Menu
Jump to content

What's with the ads?

Rose in BC

My son found his birthmother on Facebook -- update

Recommended Posts

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.

Time is your ally.

 

I really really really think that he needs to see the reality over TIME. 

 

I am so ________________ on your side...with you...worried with you...sure you will be OK on this. 

 

This may be the best thing that ever happened in your relationship...but it may take time to make it happen.

 

Big hugs to you!!!

 

  • Like 14

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh, Sweetie. He loves you. He will come home. He will love you again and be your sweet boy. I've been praying for it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks...I'm tired tonight so kind of sad. I look back at our years as his parents and there's so much we cold have done different/better....we really were ignorant to his special needs FASD, RAD, ODD, until very recently. We just kept thinking we had to learn new parenting techniques...we failed him in so many ways.

 

But we told him every day that we love him and we're his forever family through thick and thin.

 

On a neat side note our dd also adopted, went on a youth trip four provinces over. The group went to do volunteer work. On her first day she texted saying "mom you'll never guess what job I got. Working with FASD adults! I was raised to do this...literally." (We have two FASD kids.). How awesome is her attitude!

 

Btw my sisters and best friend agree with your comments that the longer he's the there the more likely he'll get a taste of reality.

 

Or maybe he'll love his new reality. :(

  • Like 11

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree that it's a good idea for him to stay past the honeymoon. He isn't going to like it better. There is a reason he was available for adoption. If his Birth Mom is unstable, he'll know it. Kids long for stability.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Rose, I'm just seeing your thread tonight, and I wanted to send you some hugs!!!

 

Please, whatever you do, don't start looking for reasons to blame yourself for any mistakes you've made over the years. We have all made mistakes with our kids, but Rose, I know from your posts that you are a great mom, and that everything you have done for your ds has been done with his very best interest in mind. So please don't second-guess yourself or put yourself down. You don't deserve that.

 

Praying that your sweet boy sees past the initial excitement of meeting his bio mom and that he gets a chance to see "the real her," when she drops her guard and stops being on her best behavior. Because it's going to happen.

  • Like 21

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks...I'm tired tonight so kind of sad. I look back at our years as his parents and there's so much we cold have done different/better....we really were ignorant to his special needs FASD, RAD, ODD, until very recently. We just kept thinking we had to learn new parenting techniques...we failed him in so many ways.

 

 

 

:grouphug:

 

. We all stumbled along the way as the parents and learn from our mistake. I don't think anyone can honestly say they did everything right

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Rose - hugs and prayers for you.

 

I just want to add that if he does love the new reality - if he can function and manage amidst chaos, with people he's barely met, a long way from home - then you and your husband have done an AMAZING job raising him. Many parent hope for that in children much older. You are amazing. Keep praying. Stay strong. We're here for you!

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Rose I agree with Everyone and especially Cat and Patty Joanna. She will,show her true colors. The proof that her true colors aren't pretty is the whole way she handled him finding her on FB. If she had changed or matured or was otherwise now fit she would have respected his PARENTS enough to go through them and set the meeting up totally different.

 

He will be ok. But I really really feel,for you.

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Remember, you're dealing with RAD and FASD here. It's easy for him to swoop into a situation and just be, but to form a connection and bond, birthmom is going to have to work, just like you guys did, and my money is on that she's not going to put in the time.  Obviously, people change and grow over time, but from what you've shared about the birthmom, I don't think she's there.  It doesn't mean she won't mature enough to form a healthy connection with her birthson, which would never be a bad thing, but I don't think she's willing to invest that kind of time in him yet.  I really don't think she has any idea what it's like to deal with RAD and FASD on a daily basis. 

 

Patty Joanna (and The Beatles ;) ) really did say it best: Let it be.

 

:grouphug:

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

That update is so promising!  I am so glad he called.  I find my ds and I have a stellar relationship over the phone too, it is so weird because it will be great but the minute he is in the door the attitude and nonsense starts again.  Anyway, I am so thrilled that he called, and that he is only saying 1 more week.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Rose! Love the way you are looking for the hopeful signs to hold on to! I have been following this thread and agree with so many things others have already pointed out. That the honeymoon will end. That he's functioning well in unforeseen circumstances is a testament to all the love, sweat and tears you and your dh have poured into him. That he won't be able to deny the bond between you.

 

May the next week pass swiftly. Thanks for your updates. Your ds is a Hive Child and that gives him a thousand extra aunties who are anxious to hear and pray. Hugs to you, remarkable amazing mama!

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Rose,

 

Sending hugs to you! As an adoptive mom of a RAD ds, my heart goes out to you.  You are amazing! I have learned so much from you and I thank you for being open & sharing your experience.

 

My prayers are with you and your son.

 

Susan

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

One other thing to keep in mind..though we are all pretty sure that bio mom can't keep up the attention long term, (honeymoon phase) your son will likely be unable to keep up his own "front."  You know that he has attitudes and behaviors that are so deeply ingrained that he almost can't help it when they come out. He can control them for a time around "outside" people, but eventually they will come out.

 

Eventually, he will show his issues to his bio mom. She more than likely will not be able to handle them appropriately. He will see the difference between his adoptive parents and how they lovingly try to handle his issues and the bio mom who's thinking. "What on earth just happened here?"

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think on some level he realizes that the fact you let him go is huge. I would want a text or sign of life every day while he is living with an unstable adult but you are the wiser woman for not insisting on that and loosening the leash. He may even get a little scared if he does not feel that security line

so noticably, and I am hoping that this will bring him back to you, faster, with appreciation for what he has and now it will be HIS choice.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

:grouphug:    Thinking of you. Sorry this has been hard! I can't imagine. He'll likely realize that the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. You sound like a loving mother, try not have any regrets. Sounds like they both needed this reunion and it was courageous of you to allow it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

No real news except my (adult) niece chatted with him on Facebook yesterday. He told her he'd be going home in a few weeks.

 

I had a very busy week which effectively allowed me to bury my head in the sand :). One positive ('cause you have to see the silver lining), we've had a good week with our eldest son who has FASD and a mild intelectual disability. We've had tough days with this boy...different tough days than with our youngest son. Our eldest ds is very attached but his special needs really affect his ability to make good choices. Anyway, he's been home alone with us (dd is on a youth trip) and that's resulted in a pretty good week.

 

My struggle right now is wrestling with the thought "could it be better for ds with his birthmother?" Rationally the answer is no, but I can't help but wonder if he has peace with this connection. No real way of knowing for certain because of limited conversations. So my mind plays in overdrive.

 

It's still all quite surreal at times.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you for posting the update, Rose. I hope all of your worries are for nothing, and that your ds will be very happy to come home to you.

 

I'm not sure I understand why he gets to choose when he returns, though -- wasn't a return date spelled out in your original arrangements? I think the birthmom is being extremely inconsiderate, and I'm also wondering if social workers are checking on your ds to be sure the birthmom isn't trying to talk him into moving in with her.

 

This whole situation is very confusing for me, although I'm way too much of a control freak to have allowed an unsupervised visit in the first place, so I'm probably a bad person to comment on any of this. It's probably good that I'm not an adoptive parent, though, because I'm not sure I could handle the things you're going through with the birthmom.

 

You are such a strong person, Rose. Your ds is incredibly lucky to have you as his mom. :grouphug:

  • Like 7

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

:grouphug:  :grouphug: :grouphug:   You are handling this way better than I could.  I just keep thinking..this new reality... isn't reality.  Still prayin!  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks for your kind words. I'm not sure I'm handling anything....it's so overwhelming its hard to even think it all through.

 

We couldn't force him to come home if we wanted to....trust me when I say a child with RAD is not your typical child. Plus if we did successfully get him home before he wanted to, our life would be hell....he'd make sure of it. Honestly I've been wondering what life will be like upon his return. Will it be better or will things be worse than before (which is hard to imagine).

 

Last night I sent several "I love you and miss you" messages. Today on Facebook birthmother and adult birth sister had posts about how complete their lives are now that he's part of their lives and how much they love him. I almost wondered if he said something positive about us and they were reacting.

 

It's painful. And confusing. And honestly we don't always really know what to do. No instruction book with this situation.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A lot of "roles" are being played right now - but nobody can keep it up for long. It's hard to watch and wait. Prayers for you all.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

:grouphug:

 

You are on our minds every day here, too.  DH asks for updates periodically, too.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks for thinking about us. Our boy is still not home but I did have a pretty good conversation with him two nights ago. My favourite line of our talk...."um mom (aka birth mother), my mom wants to know.....". At least he still calls me mom. :)

 

He told me he was heading to a town two hours away from where he is with his birth sister. My sister lives there. He did make contact with my niece (his adult cousin) and told her he wanted to visit her. I think this will happen this weekend.

 

He has discovered a few family traits including the fact that all his siblings suffer from same stomach issues as he does.

 

He had a rip roaring fight with one sister....fighting is his mo for handling stress at our house.

 

He told social work he will return in time for school. (He's the only one of my kids not homeschooled.. Well he was until grade 8.)

 

So we're hanging in...some days easier than others.

  • Like 11

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×
×
  • Create New...