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Rose in BC

My son found his birthmother on Facebook -- update

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I am just wondering something, is your son actually free to tell you he wants to come home? Every post says he was in the presence of a bio family member as if they do not trust him to talk to you or your family alone. Its often done in abusive, controlling families, you don't ever leave them along out of fear they will run or let out the secret. The fact he is never alone would have me sending the SWAT team so to speak. I'm willing to bet either he does not have control of his cell phone or they are closely monitoring it. I've been there, get him OUT.

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I am just wondering something, is your son actually free to tell you he wants to come home? Every post says he was in the presence of a bio family member as if they do not trust him to talk to you or your family alone. Its often done in abusive, controlling families, you don't ever leave them along out of fear they will run or let out the secret. The fact he is never alone would have me sending the SWAT team so to speak. I'm willing to bet either he does not have control of his cell phone or they are closely monitoring it. I've been there, get him OUT.

This has crossed my mind but yes he could contact us without them knowing (text message). Honestly there is no way anyone could hold him against his will ... He's a tough cookie both physically and behaviourally. And from what I can see via Facebook he has had some time alone...just not alone while visiting my niece.

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This has crossed my mind but yes he could contact us without them knowing (text message). Honestly there is no way anyone could hold him against his will ... He's a tough cookie both physically and behaviourally. And from what I can see via Facebook he has had some time alone...just not alone while visiting my niece.

 

I hope your right.

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Okay here's the latest...when I got home from work my son at home told me he had spoken with ds on the phone today. I asked him what they talked about. "Nothing" was the original response. Followed by, "Oh yeah (son) says he's not coming back. He likes it better there."

 

I'm not panicking (a) because we knew this could happen and (b) it's still early days. Still the honeymoon.

 

I'm sure he does like it better there. No pressure of school (yet), no history, clean slate and a new family who is over the moon happy to have found him. Here he was failing school, always in conflict with us and has a reputation amongst friends (of being angry, etc). It's also a beautiful, urban city....we live in a rural, northern town.

 

Tomorrow we will seek some advice.

 

(Sadly my dd said things have been so peaceful since his departure. He is such a difficult boy (remember RAD/ODD due to fetal alcohol). She was feeling guilty for feeling that way. I told her not to feel guilty...he is disruptive. I was enjoying the break too. i told her That we would take each day as it came.)

 

What a crazy life! I'm going for a long walk....in the heat...sweat out some anxiety,

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Oh, no, that is terrible.

 

I think retaining a family law attorney is critical. 

 

You need to know your options and rights. Now or later, what are your rights? Can you send a private investigator to essentially kidnap and bring him home? (I think you could probably do that in the US.) Not that you want to do that, but maybe you might someday -- like if in 6 mos you found out he was being abused or doing drugs or in a dangerous place, or whatever. You need to know where you stand legally as his parents and you need to make sure that your actions don't diminish your rights.

 

You also need to at least make sure that you allowing him to remain there is legal for *you*. He is still a minor, and I could imagine it being construed as child abandonment or neglect should you allow him to be out of your custody long term. So, I'd want an attorney's advice on how to protect yourself from that claim. Personally, I'd at least want it in writing in some legally registered way from you/dh to the various relatives that "have him" and to him that you love him, want him at home, and are ready to buy his return ticket and/or come get him personally as soon as he is willing to come home with you. You need to have that kind of statement in a verified, legally "proving" way somewhere so that no one can accuse you of bad acts of abandonment or of being "willing" in releasing his custody.

 

Finally, as possibly a note of hope, someone above mentioned that in a couple years, he'd be out of the home and off to college or whereever, so think about what kind of relationship you'd like then. Would have liked. Then try to foster that now. Send him loving notes. Send him cards. Send care packages. Send small gifts for the sister, too. I don't know, but just some ways to keep reminding him that you still love him. Trying to keep that door open so that he knows where home is when he is ready for it.

 

 

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Oh Rose :( I've been following along since the beginning, hoping for a resolution. I'm so sorry it hasn't come yet. I can't give you enough of these  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

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I am so sorry . . .

 

I think seeking advice is very wise . . . but I am guessing you also know forcing him to return would be disastrous all the way around.

 

You have insight into why this may be very appealing to him. And it is the honeymoon.

 

I am not in your shoes, but I have experience working with troubled youth.

 

I would suggest expressing my love and disappointment at his decision but I would also suggest acceptance and give well wishes. I would negotiate ongoing communication on a regular basis; phone calls, Skype. And perhaps an occasional visit. But ultimately it might be better to let him own this decision.

 

And I would also suggest letting him know that the door is open should he change his mind. Because after more time passes he very well may.

 

Hugs, love and prayers to you all.

 

ETA - you and your family will need support to work through this and work through your grief . . . but it sounds as though there may be hope of enjoying your "new normal" and, while I understand that guilt (I have a son with autism and it can be so hard!) I don't think you should feel guilty . . .

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Thanks for all the caring comments and suggestions. We know legally we could force him back but we also know that won't work. He has to come back voluntarily. The police already told us that at his age he is pretty much free to do this (he's three months shy of 16.). Also he would just resent us (more than he already seems to). (He has run away within our community before so we have some experience.). Remember we're talking about a child with some special needs, not your run of the mill (is the such a thing :)) well attached child.

 

The care package is a good idea. And a note clearly saying how much we love him and that we are his forever family, is a good idea too.

 

And who knows. The honeymoon might end sooner than later.

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I was thinking about your situation and another poster had talked about what it would be like to have your son leave for college, etc.

 

As hard as this is, I think it might be a good idea to try to find a way to demonstrate your acceptance of his decision should you choose to do so. Perhaps you can all make a trip to help him "settle in". You could bring little gifts for his room or bring some of his personal things from home. I would encourage some family pictures and perhaps a letter he could read later, letting him know you love him and accept his choice and will welcome hearing from him, etc.

 

What do you think he would do with that with his RAD? If you "set him free" with love would he pursue you? I am not suggesting you do this in an effort to get that reaction. But I see that as a possibility.

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Rose, I just read the last update.  I have been praying and reading this thread.

I think you are so strong and have gone through so much!

 

Question:  If he stays there are you still responsible for supporting him?  Or does

the responsibility for buying clothes, food, doctor visit copays (insurance!),

school supplies, etc. shift to the other family?

If you do send money, is there a (legal) way to make sure it's being used

for him and not for other needs of the other family?  Like have a social worker

there to be in "charge" until he reaches adulthood.

 

I agree with a PP about you making a paper trail where it is clear that

you want him back, that your door is open, and that you did not abandon

him--that he left of his own free will.

 

Please do not feel guilty about feeling peaceful.  And tell your other children

not to feel guilty either.

 

Rose, you have been through so much.  Please be kind to yourself.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

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I worry about this same situation coming up with dd6 when the time comes.

 

You know how some migratory birds can be off track and find their way back and some just settle into a new path...I think some kids are like that.  Some kids can be adopted and settle into a new family.  But others, are pulled almost by instinct back into the lives they were born into.   I have seen it in my own family, where sometimes, no matter how kids were parented, some kids just have what seems to be a predestined life that they are determined to live out.  If they are kept from that 'migration' so to speak, they are truly miserable.  And what seems like chaos to those of us on the outside looking in...just makes sense to that person.  

 

 

DD6 is my great niece.  My niece(dd6's bio-mom)  lives in chaos, all the time.  She usually has one main boyfriend, but has a second hiding in the wings.  She has multiple felony arrests. She has domestic violence arrests.  3 kids-3 fathers and doesn't have custody of any of them.  She is pg with #4 and is married to a man with 20 arrests and unmediated schizophrenia.   Had the state not stepped in, that is the world that dd6 would be growing up in.  

 

We have a very calm house.  Fun and energetic, but also happy and calm.  DD6 is walking chaos. She is just like my niece in demeanor, physical build and emotional instability. The level of chaos she feels most comfortable in... All the time...every day..is exhausting to me.  I often wonder if when she is a teen if we will have to say goodbye to her, simply because she will return to that same life we have struggled so hard to keep her out of.  We hope that if she does, she will at least take some good skills with her, see how life 'can be' happy and dreams can come true (by hard work and not theft) and have some solid roots to grow off of.  

 

If not, I console my self with the thought that in the years that she had no control over, she was raised in a happy, healthy home.  Once she is a teen, honestly, all I can do to teach her is pretty much done.  Aside from the fine tuning of the teen years, the bulk of the heavy lifting of parenting will be done and she will have to make decisions, just like your son is, on where he feels most at home,and  what type of life she/he wants to live.  At this point in time, I expect her to choose that life of chaos for at least a while. 

 

 

Prayers to you and your family.  It is so hard to raise a RAD child!  Is so hard to be the sibling of a RAD child.  I really hope that through all of this, you and your children are getting a break and that if/when he chooses to come back, that you will have had at least a moment of reprieve and rest. 

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I worry about this same situation coming up with dd6 when the time comes.

 

You know how some migratory birds can be off track and find their way back and some just settle into a new path...I think some kids are like that. Some kids can be adopted and settle into a new family. But others, are pulled almost by instinct back into the lives they were born into. I have seen it in my own family, where sometimes, no matter how kids were parented, some kids just have what seems to be a predestined life that they are determined to live out. If they are kept from that 'migration' so to speak, they are truly miserable. And what seems like chaos to those of us on the outside looking in...just makes sense to that person.

 

 

DD6 is my great niece. My niece(dd6's bio-mom) lives in chaos, all the time. She usually has one main boyfriend, but has a second hiding in the wings. She has multiple felony arrests. She has domestic violence arrests. 3 kids-3 fathers and doesn't have custody of any of them. She is pg with #4 and is married to a man with 20 arrests and unmediated schizophrenia. Had the state not stepped in, that is the world that dd6 would be growing up in.

 

We have a very calm house. Fun and energetic, but also happy and calm. DD6 is walking chaos. She is just like my niece in demeanor, physical build and emotional instability. The level of chaos she feels most comfortable in... All the time...every day..is exhausting to me. I often wonder if when she is a teen if we will have to say goodbye to her, simply because she will return to that same life we have struggled so hard to keep her out of. We hope that if she does, she will at least take some good skills with her, see how life 'can be' happy and dreams can come true (by hard work and not theft) and have some solid roots to grow off of.

 

If not, I console my self with the thought that in the years that she had no control over, she was raised in a happy, healthy home. Once she is a teen, honestly, all I can do to teach her is pretty much done. Aside from the fine tuning of the teen years, the bulk of the heavy lifting of parenting will be done and she will have to make decisions, just like your son is, on where he feels most at home,and what type of life she/he wants to live. At this point in time, I expect her to choose that life of chaos for at least a while.

 

 

Prayers to you and your family. It is so hard to raise a RAD child! Is so hard to be the sibling of a RAD child. I really hope that through all of this, you and your children are getting a break and that if/when he chooses to come back, that you will have had at least a moment of reprieve and rest.

(( hugs)))

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:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

i so understand your daughter's comments about peace. 

hopefully, she can enjoy the interlude/new reality.... and hopefully, you can, too.

always there are sad bits, mad bits, hard bits, duty bits.... but there will also be moments of joy and love .... and peace.

 

:grouphug:

ann

 

 

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Rose, I've been praying for you and your dear ones and for your son. 

 

Oh, sweet lady, I'm so sorry!  May you be comforted and strengthened today.

 

:grouphug:

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Rose, I've been silently following this too.   I love the idea of a care package.

 

my prayers and thoughts go out as you seek the best way to proceed. :grouphug:

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I promise I'm not a troll (I've been around for a long time so I hope that gives me some credibility.). I just can't believe some of the things that are happening in our life.

 

So here's an update.

 

At ten o'clock last night ds phones. He is bellowing into the phone telling me he needs a dentist ....NOW! Now I don't know if it's because it is very hot here and I was tired but I was able to respond in a very non-emotional way. i began by asking him to describe what his symptoms were. I then told him his dentist was here (in our home town). He says "I knew you were going to play that card." I told him it wasn't a card, it was a fact. I also told him I didn't know any dentists where he is and told him he needed to tell birth mom to take care of it. (I also wasn't even sure if it was a tooth problem or ear problem.)

 

Anyway that somehow evolved into a conversation about everything I've done wrong to him over the years and that the family he was with now is "blood". I told him that I had heard he was planning not to come home. He said he hadn't made up his mind but that he liked it there. I didn't argue with him.

 

It was a sixteen minute call. The longest call since he left. It ended with "I've got to go,the phone is dying."

 

Ten minutes later..."mom I'm desperate." (Inside I wanted to fix the problem but realized this was a learning experience. Also I'm too far away to really fix anything. It might be fun there but they can't take care of basic needs. So I suggested to take some Advil (which they didnt have).

 

So this morning I messaged him to see how things were. He didnt respond until,afternoon. Said things were worse. Dr (i guess they went to hospital last night) gave a prescription but they don't have money to fill it. I told him to phone me. I haven't heard back.

 

I hope he sees how foolish this is. He belongs here. First trouble and he needs us....which is the right order of things.

 

(I actually think he also really just wanted to talk to me.)

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:grouphug: I can't imagine how you must feel but it seems positive that you are the person he turned to when he was upset.

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He's learning some very difficult lessons right now.  You are doing an amazing job, momma.  Hang in there!

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I've been following this too and praying for you and your family Rose. With this current situation, have you considered contacting the social worker and asking her to stop by to assess the situation? But I would first get legal advice. Praying!

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Again, thanks for the gracious comments. I think I handled okay but tonight I'm stewing a bit over what's happening on his end since he's not responding to my message. But I can't change anything so fretting is pointless.

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"its all fun and games until someone gets hurt"  LOL  Don't know why but that just fluttered through my head.  

 

Well I guess this is the pressure he may need to start seeing  the situation for what it really is.  Either bio-family will pony up the cash to get him treated or not.  Honestly, it is good for him on many levels, to feel a bit of pressure and to see how both families react.  Like it or not, you are in a competition in his mind. This situation moves the hypothetical "what if something happens" that can be very hard for a teenager to understand, to the reality of what 'providing basic care' means.

 

1.  Lets assume the best and hope that they are seeking out and paying for appropriate medical treatment for him.  That is a good thing, in case he does decide to stay there.  You will at least have a glimmer of home that his basic needs will be met and he will be taken care of.

 

2. He knew to call home for help.  He sought you out for care.  That shows he understands that YOU are the one who will make sure his basic needs are met no matter what.  He also felt the inadequacy in the care he was being provided.  That doesn't meant they didn't rise to the occasion, just that they faltered at some point.  EVEN if that just means that he came to you, before them.  He chose to seek you out. 

 

 

 

Now, you are in a difficult position. The way I see it, you have 3 obvious decisions, and a million variations LOL>

 

1. Tell him to come home to get care.  If you use this to levy him coming home, you could have it back fire on you.  He will feel like he is coming home because you forced him to (I know that isn't right, but it will be how he sees it).  

 

2. Let the bio family help him get care and hope that it goes well.  Unless he ends up in an emergency situation, don't step in.  Let them do, what they do.  

 

3.  Help him get the care he needs.  Help him find a doctor or dentist to see.  Make insurance/payment arrangements and get records sent home.  Help him get his prescriptions paid for and follow up appointments scheduled.  

 

 

 

I don't think any answer is wrong but personally I would lean toward number 3.  Just like if he was away at college, you would make sure his basic needs are met.  This will show him that you will be there for him, thick or thin....even if you don't really agree with what he is doing.  Eventually, if he did decide to stay, I would look into your legal options and ramifications and go from there on future care, but today and right now...make sure he is taken care of. 

 

The hard thing to figure out is how he will perceive events.  I know from my own family life that there were times that while I saw things one way with my parents decisions, they saw them radically different.  I don't think that can be avoided, but no matter what you need to know that you did the right thing in your heart. 

 

I really hope you are not going to end up with an unexpected bill out of this!  make sure you get the information on where he was treated so you don't end up in collections in a different state.  Tell them that you need the information so that you can make sure what ever care is done, you have the chart notes sent to his regular doctor.

 

If at anytime he says "I want to come home" I would get a commitment from him that he is actually coming home, and get in my car (or jump on a flight) and pick him up.   I would not let them be the ones who put him on a flight home, so they can't talk him out of it.  

 

Honestly, it is also a good wake up call for them too.  They may get to see his true colors a bit and they see what it is like to have another to care for. 

 

I hope you find peace in whatever decision you.  You know you have my continued prayers and well wishes though all of this. 

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When it comes down to it he knows who his momma is, he knows who will take care of him when it really counts.  Having fun etc is great, feeling like you belong is fabulous, but it means squat if they can't provide for your basic needs.  He is still on the defensive about it but it appears to me to be part of the RAD.  I mean the fact that he called you like that and it appears he simply wanted to talk likely scared the snot out of him in that way having that attachment does in RAD kids and he lashed out at you (like is normal with RAD) and you handled it beautifully. 

I would contact the social worker that checked on him before and give the update and ask her to check in on them to be sure they are handling his medical needs.  If they are not then I would see if the relative that is closer could find a dentist for him, or fax over the insurance information to a pharmacy for his prescription or whatever.  If they do not pick up the Rx that is already covered, or call the dentist that nearby relative finds(I recommended her because she may know of who is best in the area), then I would arrange for him to come home simply because his health comes first. If they follow through either now, or after you help with those details then I would let the visit continue.  I know my ds9 had to go to the dentist when he was with gramma last year due to a sore tooth. She had no idea who to call, she didn't know I had a dentist in her city, she was just not sure because we don't live there.  I called and made the appt then called back and told her, she got him there.  Anyway, the bio family may want to help him properly but don't know what to do, after all they have not been raising him.  So if I they would follow through I would find a dentist, and contact that dentist to get them whatever information they needed and then expect the bio family to take him for treatment.  The same for Rx drugs, I would contact the pharmacy directly with whatever billing information or payment was needed for the meds and then expect them to pick them up for him.  If they do nothing, or if he gets worse then I would haul his butt home.  In this case it's not merely you missing him etc, it is a health issue, and as his mom you have an obligation to ensure his medical needs are met.  I don't want it to be used against you by the bio family claiming you left your ds there with this issue etc.  Given the way they are behaving I can see them playing that game.

Anyway, I hope you get a hold of ds soon, and call that social worker in the am to check on him again.

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I have been following silently.  I am amazed at your composure.  Obviously, this all hurts a LOT.  But your composure and clear-eyed facing the multiple realities has been impressive.

 

Interesting situation now.  I can see a few different options for how to handle it, but I can't possibly speak to what is right for your situation.  I can't even figure out what is right for MY situation half the time.  God (continue) to give you grace and add peace to your life. 

 

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Our plan was to phone pharmacy and pay for meds but he never responded to me until tonight. Turns out sister's boyfriend went to social services demanding they pay for prescription and they did. I will follow up with a note to them saying what we were planning to do to help.

 

He also told me they took a blood test and sent it away for analysis...for suspected......wait for it....MUMPS! Oh my, what next. He would have had to have contracted it there (he's been gone almost four weeks). I'm sure he was immunized....except I can't remember if he skipped school (he's our one child that has attended ps since grade 8) on grade 9 immunization day (he was a terror in school and often skipped).

 

I asked him to give me a quick call. "Nope", was his response.

 

My two 17 year olds are behind in their vaccinations. Yikes! I can't wait to give them the good news, they're getting a trip to the health clinic this week.

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Oh goodness.  Well A) I am so happy with the sister's boyfriend, I mean I know you intended to pay, but good on him for getting your son what he needed.  At least someone there is trying to make sure he is cared for and his items paid for.  But B ) I really hope it is not mumps, that would suck.  And I know I would be beside myself with not being the one tending to him to make him feel better, but perhaps this is perfect if he does have it.  Talk about your pressure test when it comes to see if bio family has what it takes to take care of him while he recovers from an illness like that.  Definitely get the others immunized just in case, I am sure you want some grandbabies one day.  Oh yeah and C) I want to be just like you when I grow up, because I don't think I could do what you are doing, I don't have it in me to allow my son to go even if that is absolutely what is best for him and the rest of you, nor could I keep so calm about it all.  You are really amazing and I hope that if I had to face tough situation like this I would have the wherewithall to respond in such a manner.

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Our plan was to phone pharmacy and pay for meds but he never responded to me until tonight. Turns out sister's boyfriend went to social services demanding they pay for prescription and they did. I will follow up with a note to them saying what we were planning to do to help.

 

He also told me they took a blood test and sent it away for analysis...for suspected......wait for it....MUMPS! Oh my, what next. He would have had to have contracted it there (he's been gone almost four weeks). I'm sure he was immunized....except I can't remember if he skipped school (he's our one child that has attended ps since grade 8) on grade 9 immunization day (he was a terror in school and often skipped).

 

I asked him to give me a quick call. "Nope", was his response.

 

My two 17 year olds are behind in their vaccinations. Yikes! I can't wait to give them the good news, they're getting a trip to the health clinic this week.

I am glad that social services helped!  And the mumps.....oh man, that is horrible.  Honestly, with social services, feel free to write the letter, but really they are pretty good at separating bio-family's actions from the social service family's.  You have cared for him through some nightmarish years.  They are not going to think for one minute that you would abandon him now when he just needed some simple medical care.  

 

Just like your son, families who lose their children to social services just don't make great decisions. Of course there are exceptions to this rule, but it is the norm none-the-less.  They are in their particular situation for a reason.  Social services are pretty adept at seeing through their games.  

 

I am glad that whoever sought out help, did so!  That is wonderful news.  They saw a need, and found a way to fill the need.  They didn't just blow it off or seek out illegal care.  They found a legal, healthy way for his situation to be addressed.  That is promising for his future health if he does stay or even visit periodically. 

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Rose, you amaze me. 

 

You love the tar out of this kid AND that means that your actions are a LOT different from what you would have expected them to mean.  And a lot different from what most people have to deal with. 

 

I'm sending you a PM. 

 

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