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Rose in BC

My son found his birthmother on Facebook -- update

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Yes I now know his birthmother is having (and I'm not sure how to phrase this) a schizophrenic melt down. I think it's disconcerting for him. I guess her boyfriend tried to get her to hospital but she's been weeping nonstop and hallucinating.

 

My niece told him her dad could be there in two hours to pick him up but he doesn't feel in danger, just confused at what he's seeing.

 

I contacted social worker today. She is checking into things.

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Yes I now know his birthmother is having (and I'm not sure how to phrase this) a schizophrenic melt down. I think it's disconcerting for him. I guess her boyfriend tried to get her to hospital but she's been weeping nonstop and hallucinating.

 

My niece told him her dad could be there in two hours to pick him up but he doesn't feel in danger, just confused at what he's seeing.

 

I contacted social worker today. She is checking into things.

 

Prayers for your son and you.

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That poor kid, I imagine a vortex of confusion inside his head as he struggles to sort out what is solid and real and what is not. Praying for you and him and for good to come of this experience in time.

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that is so difficult for him.  I hope he is safe and remains that way. Praying that he figures this all out and comes home soon

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I think you need to have someone (not you because of your difficult relationship with him) explain how dangerous untreated schizophrenia can be. It of course is not always but it certainly can be.  And if he doesn't know a lot about it he may find comfort in knowledge and be able to make a better informed decision if sticking around while his birth mom refuses treatment is a good idea.  Schizophrenia runs in my family so I know how difficult it is to understand it when its new.

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Yes I now know his birthmother is having (and I'm not sure how to phrase this) a schizophrenic melt down. I think it's disconcerting for him. I guess her boyfriend tried to get her to hospital but she's been weeping nonstop and hallucinating.

My niece told him her dad could be there in two hours to pick him up but he doesn't feel in danger, just confused at what he's seeing.

I contacted social worker today. She is checking into things.

Rose, I know you're trying to give your ds some space, but he could be in real danger. Is there any way you can go there and be with him?

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Yes I now know his birthmother is having (and I'm not sure how to phrase this) a schizophrenic melt down. I think it's disconcerting for him. I guess her boyfriend tried to get her to hospital but she's been weeping nonstop and hallucinating.

 

My niece told him her dad could be there in two hours to pick him up but he doesn't feel in danger, just confused at what he's seeing.

 

I contacted social worker today. She is checking into things.

Birth mom is "decompensating". That's the jargon term when a MI individual begins to spiral down. Most schizophrenics are not dangerous - except those with Paranoid Schizophrenia. They can become violent because they are so afraid. Hopefully the social worker will be able to assess the situation.

 

I'm so sorry for you - and your son. But it is another dose of reality so perhaps it is a good thing.

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My mother's heart of course feels concern. I just can't explain why that won't work with this boy. As an example, I just had a congenial chat with him about nothing serious just a few minutes ago (Via messaging). He says to me school was great today and he thinks he'll give staying another shot. So I bite (he doesn't know I know) by saying good school is going well and said to him "it's been a tough week hey?" That got his hackles up. He asked me what did I mean by that. I told him he had posted on fb that he was thinking of heading back north (home) so I assumed things had transpired making him want to leave. No more response. Conversation over.

 

We could not help this boy if he didn't want it. And it would make him angry. FASD/RAD ...it's indescribable and I think incomprehensible if you haven't had first hand experience (and even if you have ).

 

But, my sister is reasonably close by and he knows they'd come whenever he called.

 

It's such a complex situation. He's such a complex boy.

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Birth mom is "decompensating". That's the jargon term when a MI individual begins to spiral down. Most schizophrenics are not dangerous - except those with Paranoid Schizophrenia. They can become violent because they are so afraid. Hopefully the social worker will be able to assess the situation.

 

I'm so sorry for you - and your son. But it is another dose of reality so perhaps it is a good thing.

But is anyone really sure exactly what kind of mental illness the bio mom suffers from? I would not even begin to assume that she isn't dangerous.

 

And I disagree that it's a good thing because it's another dose of reality. I think it is horrible that Rose's poor ds is stuck in the middle of this nightmare. He must be so frightened and confused.

 

This isn't a dose of reality -- it's a house of horrors, and I hate the thought that he is there to witness such terrible things.

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Birth mom is "decompensating". That's the jargon term when a MI individual begins to spiral down. Most schizophrenics are not dangerous - except those with Paranoid Schizophrenia. They can become violent because they are so afraid. Hopefully the social worker will be able to assess the situation.

 

I'm so sorry for you - and your son. But it is another dose of reality so perhaps it is a good thing.

Thanks for the terminology. I googled trying to find better words to describe her state but couldn't find anything.

 

The dose of reality is good. We spoke at length about her mental illness because we/he knew before he left this was a concern.

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Thanks for the terminology. I googled trying to find better words to describe her state but couldn't find anything.

 

The dose of reality is good. We spoke at length about her mental illness because we/he knew before he left this was a concern.

I'm sorry, Rose, but I can't understand how it could possibly be a good thing for your ds to remain in a home with a woman with such severe mental illness.

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But is anyone really sure exactly what kind of mental illness the bio mom suffers from? I would not even begin to assume that she isn't dangerous.

 

And I disagree that it's a good thing because it's another dose of reality. I think it is horrible that Rose's poor ds is stuck in the middle of this nightmare. He must be so frightened and confused.

 

This isn't a dose of reality -- it's a house of horrors, and I hate the thought that he is there to witness such terrible things.

Yes we know. We knew before hand. She told him. Social services told us she's not dangerous (physically).

 

He doesn't have to be there even for one more minute. He even has his bio sister who lives within walking distance (she's an adult). It is horrible. It hurts me to think about it. He can leave. I mean my sister and dd were there a week ago. He could have gone home with her. He doesn't want to and that's the problem.

 

And even if she somehow was keeping him there under duress he could still leave. He's twice her size AND he could signal us and we'd have him out of there instantly. (He has physically moved me and I am not a small woman.)

 

But I agree, it's horrible.

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Rose, I think you are doing a great job with this whole situation. None of us are in your shoes and do not understand any of this, but God does and we have to ALL trust that the outcome are His plans.

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:grouphug:  Hoping this will all be over soon, that your son comes home, and that his birth mom gets the help she needs.

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But is anyone really sure exactly what kind of mental illness the bio mom suffers from? I would not even begin to assume that she isn't dangerous.

 

And I disagree that it's a good thing because it's another dose of reality. I think it is horrible that Rose's poor ds is stuck in the middle of this nightmare. He must be so frightened and confused.

 

This isn't a dose of reality -- it's a house of horrors, and I hate the thought that he is there to witness such terrible things.

You are correct, no one can be really sure what kind of MI birth mom suffers from. I have worked with MI residents in a long term care facility and I wanted to dispell the myth that all schizophrenics are dangerous. Most are not but it is true, some are. Hopefully the social worker has access to some of birth mom's mental health history and can educate and advise son accordingly.

 

And my choice of the word "good" was probably not appropriate. But it seems that there is nothing to be done with this stubborn, headstrong young man. I believe that if he is to return to his Mother - and if they are to have the relationship that I am sure has always been desired and dreamed of - he must come to this decision himself. If he comes to it because he sees how ill his birth mom is (and realizes her MI is why she gave him up or lost custody of him) then that ultimately could be a good thing. All he is going through at birth mom's allows him to compare to life with Mom. Sometimes you have to hit bottom or fall into the hole several times before you pick yourself up or decide to walk down a different street.

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Yes we know. We knew before hand. She told him. Social services told us she's not dangerous (physically).

FWIW, I'm not sure I would entirely trust social services. Personally, I can't even begin to imagine how social services thinks it is somehow acceptable to leave your ds in a home with a woman who is exhibiting the symptoms you have described to us. IMO, they should be removing him from that home, whether he likes it or not. I'm not sure how a 15yo boy with issues of his own got to be in charge of his own destiny.

 

And I also wouldn't count on her not being dangerous. It's probably not something she would have admitted to you.

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FWIW, I'm not sure I would entirely trust social services. Personally, I can't even begin to imagine how social services thinks it is somehow acceptable to leave your ds in a home with a woman who is exhibiting the symptoms you have described to us. IMO, they should be removing him from that home, whether he likes it or not. I'm not sure how a 15yo boy with issues of his own got to be in charge of his own destiny.

 

And I also wouldn't count on her not being dangerous. It's probably not something she would have admitted to you.

I don't really want to go into details but we could not physically remove this boy. (He has been physically threatening to us in the past to the point of requiring police.). He is not your average kid. He has significant special needs and deep seated anger. At this point he couldn't even come back into our home directly because of the threat he poses to our family. My daughter lives in fear of his return. This is not a simple case of teenage angst. reactive attachment disorder is ...indescribable. So, if he's coming back it can't be because we forced him. Which we couldn't anyway. And if we could he'd just run a way.

 

When he wants to come home we can lay the groundwork for his return.

 

Honestly, there's no manual for what we're doing. We are doing what we think is right. Who knows? We may not be right. FASD shows its face in different ways. I have two boys with FASD it's just that in our youngest it also came with RAD.

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Your choices and boundaries make sense to me, Rose. I've worked with adopted kids with RAD. You are doing a great job of balancing the many needs involved here, including those of your other kids. (((Hugs)))

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It sounds to me like you are navigating a very tricky situation with a great deal of wisdom. I know there are no guarantees that your son will choose to come home or that things will get better. I can only imagine how stressful and heartbreaking all of this must be.

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FWIW, I'm not sure I would entirely trust social services. Personally, I can't even begin to imagine how social services thinks it is somehow acceptable to leave your ds in a home with a woman who is exhibiting the symptoms you have described to us. IMO, they should be removing him from that home, whether he likes it or not. I'm not sure how a 15yo boy with issues of his own got to be in charge of his own destiny.

 

And I also wouldn't count on her not being dangerous. It's probably not something she would have admitted to you.

Just to shed a bit of light as an adoptive mom with an FASD kiddo and friend of a RAD mom, I would like to point out that a kid with RAD is in control. It is the control that defines every move. A child like this cannot be made to obey others wishes because he/she doesn't have have the connection that gives a normal kiddo the desire to please anyone or allow a level of relationship that involves give and take. The control protects the child from the pain associated with relationship connections. Does that make sense?

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I don't really want to go into details but we could not physically remove this boy. (He has been physically threatening to us in the past to the point of requiring police.). He is not your average kid. He has significant special needs and deep seated anger. At this point he couldn't even come back into our home directly because of the threat he poses to our family. My daughter lives in fear of his return. This is not a simple case of teenage angst. reactive attachment disorder is ...indescribable. So, if he's coming back it can't be because we forced him. Which we couldn't anyway. And if we could he'd just run a way.

 

When he wants to come home we can lay the groundwork for his return.

 

Honestly, there's no manual for what we're doing. We are doing what we think is right. Who knows? We may not be right. FASD shows its face in different ways. I have two boys with FASD it's just that in our youngest it also came with RAD.

Oh Rose, I'm sorry if I wasn't clear. I wasn't talking about you forcing him to return home. I was surprised that social services is letting him remain in that home, given everything that is going on there. It's so strange to me that they are allowing him to make the decision to stay there, instead of removing him from the home.

 

I was hoping there was a way you could go and visit him, though.

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Just to shed a bit of light as an adoptive mom with an FASD kiddo and friend of a RAD mom, I would like to point out that a kid with RAD is in control. It is the control that defines every move. A child like this cannot be made to obey others wishes because he/she doesn't have have the connection that gives a normal kiddo the desire to please anyone or allow a level of relationship that involves give and take. The control protects the child from the pain associated with relationship connections. Does that make sense?

Thank you, Jvander! That was very helpful. :)

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:grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

After having a very difficult night with dd6 last night, this morning I stumbled across a series of articles that was talking about adopted children being given away on the internet due to the overwhelming needs they require.  It is horrible and sad, and the article compared the process to 're homing a dog'.  The adoptive parents are just signing away guardianship rights to strangers (in some cases- I am sure others are handled differently) and passing the kid off to another family.  

 

After a stressful night and another hole in a wall (she kicks holes when she gets mad), the articles left me in a funk of a mood all day.  There have been so many times that I have regretted getting involved in her care, but I could never imagine being at the point to just passing her off on a street corner to some stranger.  The part that really struck me,  is to think that these families did try and try and try to make the world right for their adopted children.  Many paid expenses well over $20,000 to adopt internationally and committed the time and effort to adoption. On top of that, these parents likely paid as much, if not more, after they were home, to get room and board, medical/mental health care, family support and more set up and going.  And then at the end of it all, it was just.too.much.  They just couldn't do it.  They make a desperate choice in a desperate situation.  I went to work around noon and my boss asked why I seemed so quiet today (I am known for being a chatterbox) and what I didn't have the heart to say....is that I wonder just how bad things will get for us.  IT is unfathomable where we have already been, I can't imagine where we are headed. 

 

It just makes me so sad to see how RAD and mental health needs of many adopted children are beyond our current scope of treatment.  I think about You and Denise and Tara and all the other families who have allowed families to see just a small glimpse into that world of RAD and mental illness in adopted children.  A glimpse into the world of the adoptive parent...the world of chaos and heartbreak, anger and forgiveness. The world that, even after every single thing your son has put you through this year, you are still willing to work with him coming home and still love him deeply and honestly.  

 

You know from the outpouring of love on this board how much support you have here, but I wanted you to know that there are some of us out here, who do understand the commitment it takes to continue loving and caring for a RAD/MI child.  It is a choice made every day.  It is a war torn love and not one that comes without tears.  It is living in a dichotomy of hurt,anger and frustration with rare moments of pure joy, elation, and love.  But those moments...those rare fleeting moments make so much of the negative forgivable and we all hope that one day these children can find a spouse or have a child of their own, who they finally let in and in return give back all that they have missed themselves.  

 

From you son, I will say thank you.  It isn't my place to do so, but for him, on this night, I say thank you for trying so desperately to give him a normal life, and even after this summer, still loving him so much that we can see the hurt inside you being apart from him. 

 

 

ETA:  I do not compare your sons visit with his b-mom ANY WAY similar to the stories I read.  I was only mentioning that as a reference to my own mood today.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Just passing along a hug and a prayer, Rose. I know you are doing your very, very best with a terribly difficult situation that most can't fathom. Talk about trial by fire!

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My mother's heart of course feels concern. I just can't explain why that won't work with this boy. As an example, I just had a congenial chat with him about nothing serious just a few minutes ago (Via messaging). He says to me school was great today and he thinks he'll give staying another shot. So I bite (he doesn't know I know) by saying good school is going well and said to him "it's been a tough week hey?" That got his hackles up. He asked me what did I mean by that. I told him he had posted on fb that he was thinking of heading back north (home) so I assumed things had transpired making him want to leave. No more response. Conversation over.

 

We could not help this boy if he didn't want it. And it would make him angry. FASD/RAD ...it's indescribable and I think incomprehensible if you haven't had first hand experience (and even if you have ).

 

But, my sister is reasonably close by and he knows they'd come whenever he called.

 

It's such a complex situation. He's such a complex boy.

 

My heart goes out to you. You are making what seem to be very painful but wise choices. Most schizophrenics are not dangerous even when they are going downhill, though some can be.

 

The ones who are dangerous usually make threats first. Any threat should be taken very seriously. (ie Call both police and social workers. )

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:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

After having a very difficult night with dd6 last night, this morning I stumbled across a series of articles that was talking about adopted children being given away on the internet due to the overwhelming needs they require. It is horrible and sad, and the article compared the process to 're homing a dog'. The adoptive parents are just signing away guardianship rights to strangers (in some cases- I am sure others are handled differently) and passing the kid off to another family.

 

After a stressful night and another hole in a wall (she kicks holes when she gets mad), the articles left me in a funk of a mood all day. There have been so many times that I have regretted getting involved in her care, but I could never imagine being at the point to just passing her off on a street corner to some stranger. The part that really struck me, is to think that these families did try and try and try to make the world right for their adopted children. Many paid expenses well over $20,000 to adopt internationally and committed the time and effort to adoption. On top of that, these parents likely paid as much, if not more, after they were home, to get room and board, medical/mental health care, family support and more set up and going. And then at the end of it all, it was just.too.much. They just couldn't do it. They make a desperate choice in a desperate situation. I went to work around noon and my boss asked why I seemed so quiet today (I am known for being a chatterbox) and what I didn't have the heart to say....is that I wonder just how bad things will get for us. IT is unfathomable where we have already been, I can't imagine where we are headed.

 

It just makes me so sad to see how RAD and mental health needs of many adopted children are beyond our current scope of treatment. I think about You and Denise and Tara and all the other families who have allowed families to see just a small glimpse into that world of RAD and mental illness in adopted children. A glimpse into the world of the adoptive parent...the world of chaos and heartbreak, anger and forgiveness. The world that, even after every single thing your son has put you through this year, you are still willing to work with him coming home and still love him deeply and honestly.

 

You know from the outpouring of love on this board how much support you have here, but I wanted you to know that there are some of us out here, who do understand the commitment it takes to continue loving and caring for a RAD/MI child. It is a choice made every day. It is a war torn love and not one that comes without tears. It is living in a dichotomy of hurt,anger and frustration with rare moments of pure joy, elation, and love. But those moments...those rare fleeting moments make so much of the negative forgivable and we all hope that one day these children can find a spouse or have a child of their own, who they finally let in and in return give back all that they have missed themselves.

 

From you son, I will say thank you. It isn't my place to do so, but for him, on this night, I say thank you for trying so desperately to give him a normal life, and even after this summer, still loving him so much that we can see the hurt inside you being apart from him.

 

 

ETA: I do not compare your sons visit with his b-mom ANY WAY similar to the stories I read. I was only mentioning that as a reference to my own mood today.

Well now I have wrecked my makeup before work because this brough tears to my eyes. Thanks for understanding.

 

We love our boy so much and want the best for him. It's a day by day journey getting there.

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Oh Rose, I'm sorry if I wasn't clear. I wasn't talking about you forcing him to return home. I was surprised that social services is letting him remain in that home, given everything that is going on there. It's so strange to me that they are allowing him to make the decision to stay there, instead of removing him from the home.

 

I was hoping there was a way you could go and visit him, though.

Thanks for the clarification. Honestly, I think social services is sometimes as much at a loss of what to do with some kids as we as parents do. Worker did say she was going to connect with him yesterday. I will follow up with her today.

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Thanks for the clarification. Honestly, I think social services is sometimes as much at a loss of what to do with some kids as we as parents do. Worker did say she was going to connect with him yesterday. I will follow up with her today.

Workers can sometimes come up with unique solutions that haven't been tried yet, but honestly there really isn't a solution that really works with these kids.  If you do find a solution that works, just give it sometime, and they will adapt themselves right out of it.  

 

I think that is part of the exhausting part of raising these kids.  What seems like a comfortable routine to us, makes them Uncomfortable.  I don't think they want to be uncomfortable, but they can't handle the alternative, so they keep everything in an uproar All The Time.  Parents of RAD kids are always having to stay One step ahead.  It is like having a toddler who just started walking.  The crashes are coming, we just try to point out the sharpest corners and hope they don't aim for them on purpose.

 

There are a lot of great solutions to their problems, but they can't handle that.  They need the chaos to feel normal.  Sometimes, I think that is why solutions that are outside-the-box work (often from experienced caseworkers or non-family members) best because the RAD kid doesn't see what behavior you are trying to modify.  LOL  It is also why the most obvious solutions Do Not work.  They see them coming a mile away and just keep doing what they are doing despite any common consequences. 

 

It sounds like your worker is doing a pretty good job.  Just letting it unfold and playout without too much interferance.  Prayers to you and her, to be able to ignore the BS and just see the root of the issue.

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So I it looks like ds will move in with my niece and her family next week at least for the moment. She lives two hours away from his birthmother. I think ds has realized he can't live with her. She quit her part time job last week because she told him he could provide for him. It's bizarre.

 

My niece and her husband invited him into their home. Honestly I don't know how that will work. She knows everything about him but thinks she has a report with him. My sister lives in same community. Oh and so does ds's bio sister. For the immediate it's a good choice and I'm very happy he'll be out of birthmom's craziness.

 

My niece has told him she is looking for counciling for him (and a dentist...I guess his teeth are bad...how does that happen in two months)?

 

If only the boy could see how much we (my dh and I and all our extended family) love him.

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Glad he will be in a more stable home. Sounds like Birth Mom was showing her true colors (ie wanting your son to "support" her. It was all about money and what she could "get").

 

Will the social worker be involved in this move? I'm thinking it might be good for your niece and her dh to have a behavior contract with your son so expectations are very clear (ie school, homework, how he is to help around the home, etc.). It might help to spell things out very clearly for everyone going into this. Just a thought.

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My niece is very loving. She's had some challenges in her own life including tumultuous teen years. So I think she thinks she can relate to him. She does have three children herself. (I'm the second youngest of seven kids so I have a mess of nieces and nephews that are in their thirties, including this niece,)

 

I don't know how it will work but they are considering it for the long haul.

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She sounds like a truly wonderful person . . . praying this is a positive move for all. Interesting to see he is planning to go to one of YOUR relatives instead of birth sister. ETA in spite of his difficulties I bet your son can see who has the more "stable/safer" home!

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Glad he will be in a more stable home. Sounds like Birth Mom was showing her true colors (ie wanting your son to "support" her. It was all about money and what she could "get").

 

Will the social worker be involved in this move? I'm thinking it might be good for your niece and her dh to have a behavior contract with your son so expectations are very clear (ie school, homework, how he is to help around the home, etc.). It might help to spell things out very clearly for everyone going into this. Just a thought.

Social worker will absolutely be involved. And yes I agree about contract (although its hard with FASD kids).

 

It's just tough all around. I hold out for hope that this is the answer but the reality is, my boy has huge issues. But in the moment, it's a huge relief for dh and I.

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I'm looking at this on my phone, and can't seem to post responses that quote things.

 

I clicked the check mark on the post advising you consult an attorney -- I hope that is the method to "like" it. I strongly feel this is necessary. Do NOT send your son there unchaperoned. This feels quite suspect, and you son, being a minor, has fewer resources. A relative 2 hours away isn't much if a safety net. That's 2 hours in which they can disappear with him, if they so wish.

 

If your son is adamant about meeting them without you arrange for a TRUSTED third party to supervise the visit.

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And lots and lots if hugs to all of your family.

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Sorry for my previous post -- I didn't realize how old the OP was, or how long this thread was. I see know from reading further that the situation is further along, and a bit different from what I feared. Still not an easy situation for any of you.

 

LOTS more hugs to you all.

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His making the decision to move along is a great testament to him and you.  It took him a few months, but he finally saw the situation as something he didn't want to be a part in.  That says a lot about the quality of life you have show him to expect.  I am not talking about the financial part, but the stability.  Adults who provide loving, unselfish care for the children.  He realized that the situation wasn't appropriate and worked to find a different solution.  

 

Him accepting help, is a wonderful sign of maturity in him.  He accepted help from an stable adult who loves him and knows his situation.  He is moving on from what he thought he wanted, to something else.....but it is an upward move....it easily could have gone the other way (accepting a couch surfing life style from friend to friend or a new acquaintance from his bio--mom's world). 

 

 

I pray he continues to move forward and that you can sleep better tonight.  

Hold strong little mama, all your hard work has paid off today!  Lets hope there are more of these good days going forward and lots fewer bad ones.

~Tap.

 

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