Does it annoy you when holiday meal host assigns foods?

[Ginevra]

Due to Covid in my household, we won’t be with the extended fam for TG. I’m really sad about missing all my nieces/nephews/great-nieces/great-nephews. I really wish I could get together with them. However, what I am glad to be missing is that my own, personal “Marney” is the host this year and I’m very glad I don’t have to report exactly which pie I’m bringing, nor have to capitulate to whatever other food assignments I was scheduled to bring. 
 

I do think a case could be made that it’s *good* for a control freak - I mean - detail-oriented person to host these things because, with her at the helm, we don’t endure the tragedy of two pumpkin pies yet no apple, nor does it turn out that some essential food, like sweet potatoes, is inadvertently absent. But truthfully I do find it quite obnoxious to get a long string of texts on exactly who must bring what and must arrive; I.e., nothing can arrive needing oven time. (We are in the text chain even though we can’t attend, because we need to keep the same chain going or it gets confusing.) It makes me glad I won’t be riding that crazy train this year. 
 

This is not exactly a JAWM, and I am open to encouragement on the POV that all the control freakery does ensure a smoother outcome, but OTOH, I do get a small thrill out of walking on the wild side and just letting people bring whatever kind of freakin pie they want. Reckless, I know. 

 

[ScoutTN]

My IL’s always host and are very laid back about it. Usually there’s a group text well ahead of time and everyone chimes in what they are bringing. Sometimes the hostess will ask for certain things or revise the list if some category or crucial dish is missing. All very flexible and low key. 😎

[regentrude]

When I host, I tell people what *I* will be making. They can decide to bring something that complements, something that clashes, or nothing.  I make enough food so that contributions are nice but not essential.

I do this whether it's a 10 person sit-down dinner or my annual garden party for fifty. My need for control is channeled into my *own* kitchen.

One exception: one friend has been bringing crescent rolls for Thanksgiving every year for a decade, and I will ask her to bring those again. Anyone else, it's  "whatever you like".

Eta: growing up, I don't recall guests EVER bringing food to my parents - it was understood that an invitation means the host feeds the guests. Only when we were teens and students did we start potlucks. 

2ndETA: to answer the title question: nobody ever assigned me a dish. All my friends are "bring whatever".

Edited November 18, 2022 by regentrude

[Carol in Cal.]

Yes, it annoys the living daylights out of me.  It is rude.

[Guest]

Sounds wonderful, @regentrude

[fraidycat]

I'm happy to be told what to bring, because it requires less thinking from me... As long as it is something I am comfortable making. If I was told to bring a pie, for example, it would be store bought. Nobody in my family is a Marney, though, so I might be annoyed if someone were like that - my people are more likely to make a suggestion than an edict and are open to revisions.
 

Usually I am told to bring the gluten-free dressing, gravy, etc. because I am the one who needs it. OR, I volunteer to bring those items to reduce the burden and worry on the host about "doing it right" or cross-contaminating.

[KSera]

In my family, we usually share what we each would like to bring and then see if there are any holes, but no one is assigned something. Most of the time, we host the big meals and provide all the main things and whatever anyone else wants to bring is extra bonus. I will say as the host, it can be really difficult if someone shows up with what they said they wanted to bring, but it turns out it still needs to be cooked and we hadn’t planned our oven space and timing to account for that. A large meal is complicated to get the timing of everything right. 

[cjzimmer1]

I'm not "told" what to bring but the expectation is there that I already know what I'm suppose to bring so we just skip the conversation about it.

So for any holiday get together, I am expected to bring bread/rolls.  Now I know my family all prefers the asiago bread I make so I just make it because it's simple and I don't have to think about it.  I could be adventurous and make a different bread item but if I did, I would probably still bring the asiago bread because that is what is "expected".  I'm also expected to bring a jello salad.  Specifically a version of "honeymoon salad" (The recipe we grew up with was lime jello, cream cheese, whipped cream and canned pineapple).  I'm not a fan of lime jello so I make different flavors depending on what jello and what fruit I have on hand.  I'm allowed to vary it in that matter but to make a completely different thing would be frowned on.  I'm also expected to bring the bagged Kale Salad from Costco since I'm the only one who lives close to Costco and this is the only kind of salad my dad will eat and the rest of the family all enjoys it.  

So our holiday planning is X: I'm hosting (Holiday).  Me:  Okay seen you then.

The same thing goes on to other family members.  Everyone "knows" their expected contribution.  There is no drama, no duplicates, and it's easy because we also have no conversation about it.  Even my extended family when they have their family reunion operates the same way.  Everyone has "their" thing to contribute.  We just don't discuss it.  If someone isn't there one year, well we probably won't have "their" item but no one will go hungry.

If anyone attends outside of the core group they are welcome to bring or not bring things as they like.  

[rebcoola]

I don't mind being told within reason but we don't usually have huge meals. It's just me having a chat with my mom.  My own DH is the only one attached to thanksgiving food but he just cooks anything he can't live without.

[teachermom2834]

If you’ve read my other posts …I would be open to people bringing anything…lol. So I wouldn’t dictate. I would let people take anything off my workload that they were willing to. 
 

A few times over the years I have gotten people to volunteer things like “I might bring a pumpkin pie if I get to it.” Well that’s not really helpful if pumpkin pie is crucial. So if someone volunteered “I might bring turkey. Maybe. Maybe not. We’ll see” that really isn’t going to work for me because I’m still making turkey in that case.  So those kind of loose commitments are useless. Desserts? Eh…anyone that needs a pumpkin pie can go to the store tomorrow so I would probably just roll with it. So while I like laid back and I don’t really care what people bring (see my other thread…I just make everything 😂) it really isn’t helpful to get a noncommittal “I’m thinking of bringing a ham” if they then show up with biscuits. Because those people make the host end up making everything because they just don’t know what might or might not show up. 
 

But really- life is too short! I’m at the point where I can have a stash to feed my nuclear family in the freezer and if my guests go hungry because of bad guesting so be it. 

[sweet2ndchance]

Never been to a get together, family or otherwise, where I was assigned something specific to bring. It was always either bring whatever you want or something general like bring a dessert or bring bread/rolls or bring a side dish.

If I was ever assigned something super specific, just knowing me and my personality, I'd probably find someway to bring the requested item but in a way that would drive the control freak host up a wall and never want to assign me anything again lol.

[Guest]

Even my extended family when they have their family reunion operates the same way.  Everyone has "their" thing to contribute.  We just don't discuss it.  If someone isn't there one year, well we probably won't have "their" item but no one will go hungry.
 

How did this develop, I wonder? Surely there had to be some initial conversation somewhere in the past where it was discussed, right?

 

[Bambam]

I appreciate people being specific if I ask what can I bring. I prefer that I get two choices, would you prefer to bring Sweet Potato casserole or a fruit pie? 

I'd be okay with being told to bring a specific dish - say green bean casserole - as long as it is something my family can eat - even though it might not be a favorite or something we normally eat. 

But I would like person to take in consideration how far I'm coming and how hard it might be to safely prepare and transport dish - or ask me to mix it up but let me know there is oven space there to cook it. 

But I tend to the control freak side of the equation! 

[Arcadia]

3 minutes ago, Quill said:

Even my extended family when they have their family reunion operates the same way.  Everyone has "their" thing to contribute.  We just don't discuss it.  If someone isn't there one year, well we probably won't have "their" item but no one will go hungry.
 

How did this develop, I wonder? Surely there had to be some initial conversation somewhere in the past where it was discussed, right?

 

On my husband’s side, it is just that FIL’s sisters and MIL each have their “signature dish” so everyone knows what would be brought. 
 

I was never assigned food. My “role” is to come, provide the noise and eat to my heart’s content. My parents also didn’t provide food for extended family gatherings, the host provides everything including the alcohol. 

[Pam in CT]

I have a clump of friends / relatives who regularly bring a particular signature (and terrific) dish to repeated holidays and I totally count on their bringing that particular thing.  If they ask, I say "your sweet potatoes" or "caramel-dipped matzah" or whatever, but honestly I know they'll bring it whether nor not they, or I, get around to asking.

I have a SIL and a brother (separate branches, not living in same household or generally coming to the same event) and a couple of friends who ask and MEAN "give me an assignment and I'll fill in whatever holes you foresee) and I 100% trust them to do a great job with whatever I ask

and everyone else I say something like wine / cheese / if you have time to pick up a dessert / salsa & chips or whatever.

 

And also: it's fine if you have extra side dishes or dueling pies.  Pack up leftovers and send them home; everyone loves leftovers.

 

[cjzimmer1]

1 minute ago, Quill said:

Even my extended family when they have their family reunion operates the same way.  Everyone has "their" thing to contribute.  We just don't discuss it.  If someone isn't there one year, well we probably won't have "their" item but no one will go hungry.
 

How did this develop, I wonder? Surely there had to be some initial conversation somewhere in the past where it was discussed, right?

 

You know I honestly don't know.  My guess is that people saw a "hole" in the menu and started filling it.  Growing up we never had appetizers but as kids we were always starving by the time the Turkey was ready.  Once my sister started contributing to the meal, she brought appetizers.

For Family reunions, my aunt (by marriage into this branch of the family) always brought this baked beans dish.  Apparently it was an old family recipe from this branch (aka not her family) and somehow she acquired the recipe and brought it to every family function I can remember.  I hate baked beans but I like that recipe.  I got the recipe from her shortly before she was diagnosed with brain cancer.  I now make it for all family reunions.  I didn't discuss it with anyone, I just made it when I knew she was too sick.  The funny part is her daughters continued to bring their normal.  It is a weird dynamic and maybe it works because people don't "fuss" if the desired item is missing but if everyone brings "their" thing the meal is covered and no one has to work very hard planning a meal.  

[lovinmyboys]

I have hosted thanksgiving several times for dh’s family. I usually make a group chat and say what I am having then everyone else says what they will bring. 
 

But to answer your question I think I mostly like it when the host tells me what to bring- one less thing for me to think about.

Edited November 19, 2022 by lovinmyboys

[kbutton]

32 minutes ago, KSera said:

In my family, we usually share what we each would like to bring and then see if there are any holes, but no one is assigned something. Most of the time, we host the big meals and provide all the main things and whatever anyone else wants to bring is extra bonus. I will say as the host, it can be really difficult if someone shows up with what they said they wanted to bring, but it turns out it still needs to be cooked and we hadn’t planned our oven space and timing to account for that. A large meal is complicated to get the timing of everything right. 

Yeah, I think it's just kind, as a guest, to ask if there will be oven space if you need it. 

57 minutes ago, Quill said:

But truthfully I do find it quite obnoxious to get a long string of texts on exactly who must bring what and must arrive; I.e., nothing can arrive needing oven time. (We are in the text chain even though we can’t attend, because we need to keep the same chain going or it gets confusing.) It makes me glad I won’t be riding that crazy train this year. 
 

This is not exactly a JAWM, and I am open to encouragement on the POV that all the control freakery does ensure a smoother outcome, but OTOH, I do get a small thrill out of walking on the wild side and just letting people bring whatever kind of freakin pie they want. Reckless, I know.

I think that's fine if the group is fine with it. As a host, you want things to go well, and you probably know your audience. If your people are going to be unhappy with surprises, you will want to be sure that people are comfortable (and I don't mean appeasing people who are picky or lazy for the sake of it). If one of your guests is happier bringing a surprise, then that guest can bring a surprise, but if the rest of the family wants some consistency, letting everyone wing it would be a disaster, KWIM? Even when I've been to a true potluck, the host almost always has two or three main items that will save the day if everyone does something flaky and weird, or everyone shows up with dessert or a million kinds of rolls. 

6 minutes ago, Bambam said:

But I would like person to take in consideration how far I'm coming and how hard it might be to safely prepare and transport dish - or ask me to mix it up but let me know there is oven space there to cook it. 

I tend to assign my MIL certain things because she does have to travel, and she is quite willing to give us all food poisoning by bringing perishable items hours in the car without refrigeration. She complains. I don't care. In fact, at this point, she is welcome at my house only if there is a gathering big enough to dilute her presence. If so, the other guests are also traveling, and it is probably harder to ask them to do something than to do it myself. I have horror stories about that side of the family showing up and me waiting on them hand and foot 8.5 months pregnant (they did offer to bring something, but alas, food poisoning considerations--I think I told them to bring pie?). My feet were so swollen that I thought my skin might actually split, and I had subclinical preeclampsia (would meet current criteria for full blown pre-e now). Then they turned around and showed up a month later when I had a three-week old baby and a yet to be diagnosed ASD preschooler. DH made them PB&J that time. They didn't bring me a Christmas present that time either. I was the only one that didn't get one.

I have a SIL that I would probably assign things to because she makes me feel like a guest in my own house, takes over, and literally takes tasks I am doing out of my hands while I am doing them.

OP, I guess you could look at it from the perspective that the host is generally doing things the best that they can with the hand they are dealt. Not everyone that assigns tasks is a Marney, and controlling behavior is not always what we think it is. My in-laws chaotic behavior and expectations are very, very controlling even though they don't assign things.

[Terabith]

I very much prefer to be told what to bring, as long as it’s something I feel comfortable making.  I’m very uncomfortable in the kitchen.  So I am often the person asked to bring fruit salad or ice or sometimes rolls or dessert.  (Baking is fine. It’s just cooking that gives me panic attacks.)

[Pawz4me]

It doesn't bother me at all, but I don't remember ever actually being told in a direct/no compromise way what to bring to any event. Instead it's a polite request -- "Are you okay with bringing a pecan pie and some rolls?" And I don't think anyone would care if I said "May I bring a pumpkin pie and mashed potatoes instead?" We're all fairly laid back people. Overall I'd much rather be asked/told what to bring than to have to guess what would work.

[smfmommy]

I usually ask a host what I can bring so don't mind if I am "assigned" something.  The point (for me) is to make things easier on the host.  

I am hosting Thanksgiving this year.  I asked all my daughters and mil what they would like to be in charge of.  I suggested cranberry sauce and sparkling cider to one since she is working the night before and I want her to be able to sleep for as long as possible.  After they responded I planned the rest of the meal.  One email sent and done.

As with most things, I think the attitude of the host can make assignments part of a nicely organized dinner or a narcissist nightmare.

 

[marbel]

For the most part, yes, I like to be told what to bring, or asked what I'd like to bring from a couple of choices. "Would you bring a salad, or a dessert?" "Sure, I'll bring some brownies, does that work?" People around here assume that pretty  much all dinners are somewhat cooperative. I used to try to truly host a meal and not have guests bring anything (as my parents used to do) but it just doesn't work. (My theory is that in my parents' day, people reciprocated and so if the Joneses came to our house for dinner, within a month my parents would be invited over to the Jones home. Doesn't seem to work that way anymore, at least where I live.)

As far as oven space - everyone has finite oven space, and some have more than others. In my last house, I would have been hard put if more than 1 guest had to use the oven for something, as I had a very tiny oven and a tinier warming oven. So yeah, that would be something I'd need to control in order to serve food hot and in good time.  Similarly... refrigerator/freezer space. I was once asked to bring dessert, no specification made, and I brought ice cream. The host tried to hide her distress when I arrived, and opened her completely packed freezer compartment. It took a bit of work to cram my offering in, and it had never occurred to me that it might cause a problem. Would she have been a control freak if she'd specified not to bring ice cream because she didn't have the space for it?

I don't get the Marney reference but in my experience most hosts are doing the best they can and some are more stressed out than others. As a guest, I want the hosts to be relaxed and enjoy the party they invited me to, so I can better enjoy it. If bringing a specific dish helps the event go more smoothly, well, that's to my advantage too. 

[Kassia]

8 minutes ago, Terabith said:

I very much prefer to be told what to bring, as long as it’s something I feel comfortable making.  I’m very uncomfortable in the kitchen.  So I am often the person asked to bring fruit salad or ice or sometimes rolls or dessert.  (Baking is fine. It’s just cooking that gives me panic attacks.)

same!  

[Faith-manor]

1 hour ago, Carol in Cal. said:

Yes, it annoys the living daylights out of me.  It is rude.

This. I normally ask, "Is there anything specific I can bring or help you with?" because that is who I am. But only if we live within an hour drive. Longer than that, and a bottle of wine might be what I show up with or flowers for the hostess. I think these long email and text chains trying to micromanage everything is really off putting.

 

Edited November 19, 2022 by Faith-manor

[Jaybee]

In most my circles, the hostess states what she will be providing, and then everybody else jumps in and says what they will bring. Sometimes the hostess asks for general items like rolls, salads, desserts, etc., but doesn't get specific. We've been invited to an early Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow where some things on the sign-up list were specific (sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, etc.), and some were vague (salad, dessert). Most meals we participate in have everybody pitching into provide it. Nobody has the means to cover hosting the whole thing unless it is a very special occasion. For family, at least on dh's side, it was awkward for me for a few years, because we usually lived far away, so I wasn't there often enough to know what to bring. But now I am usually asked to bring macaroni and cheese (it's very popular), and I also often take a fruit salad that has a cream cheese topping (can really be as a side or as dessert), which has also been a winner. I don't particularly like to be "assigned" a specific dish unless it is one that people know I make and they want my recipe.

[teachermom2834]

As a perpetual host - I literally spend hours trying to work a plan of how to get things in and out of my oven. I write out a schedule of when things go in at what temperature. I have figured out what can go in while something else rests and what can hold awhile and what dishes can cook at the same temp and what pans will fit in what configuration with what rack heights. I don’t enjoy that. Not even a little. But I don’t know how else to get dinner on. If someone shows up with a dish that needs to go in at 375 for an hour - yeah that’s going to take some juggling. Does that make me a control freak? 
 

We did have that issue last year as my brother wanted to bring a special dish for his vegetarian dd. I was like that sounds great - here is the challenge. He put it in a small enough containers to fit in my toaster oven in shifts. It was progress in communication in our relationship 😂 I suppose he thought I was a shrew but we really did need to work out the plan and him not just show up with a big pan to go in the main oven. 

Do people really not understand a hostess might only have one oven? I have one oven to feed 20 people. I cook two turkeys. I can only do so much. I don’t want to buy a bunch of stovetop appliances just because someone might show up with a pan unannounced. 

[Faith-manor]

9 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

As a perpetual host - I literally spend hours trying to work a plan of how to get things in and out of my oven. I write out a schedule of when things go in at what temperature. I have figured out what can go in while something else rests and what can hold awhile and what dishes can cook at the same temp and what pans will fit in what configuration with what rack heights. I don’t enjoy that. Not even a little. But I don’t know how else to get dinner on. If someone shows up with a dish that needs to go in at 375 for an hour - yeah that’s going to take some juggling. Does that make me a control freak? 
 

We did have that issue last year as my brother wanted to bring a special dish for his vegetarian dd. I was like that sounds great - here is the challenge. He put it in a small enough containers to fit in my toaster oven in shifts. It was progress in communication in our relationship 😂 I suppose he thought I was a shrew but we really did need to work out the plan and him not just show up with a big pan to go in the main oven. 

Do people really not understand a hostess might only have one oven? I have one oven to feed 20 people. I cook two turkeys. I can only do so much. I don’t want to buy a bunch of stovetop appliances just because someone might show up with a pan unannounced. 

It doesn't make you a control freak. The issue here is the crowd you are cooking for and their unwillingness to be reasonable. They should either be arriving early enough to help you, and they shouldn't be planning to show up with a food that still needs to be cooked. That isn't right. Bring a cold dish, bring a bowl of fruit, bring something cooked that can be popped in the microwave. But don't expect one hostess to cook all of the main elements of a huge meal for a large crowd and then invade her kitchen expecting to be able to cook on arrival. It is just a demonstration of total thoughtlessness. People coming from a long distance shouldn't be worrying about bringing food, but should then be looking for ways to be considerate of the person doing the work. They can bring the wine or a centerpiece for the table, or something similar. I feel so sorry for you because it seems like the people you feel you have to host are really thoughtless, inconsiderate people which makes your holiday miserable, and makes the work load burdensome.

[regentrude]

16 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

As a perpetual host - I literally spend hours trying to work a plan of how to get things in and out of my oven. I write out a schedule of when things go in at what temperature. I have figured out what can go in while something else rests and what can hold awhile and what dishes can cook at the same temp and what pans will fit in what configuration with what rack heights. I don’t enjoy that. Not even a little. But I don’t know how else to get dinner on. If someone shows up with a dish that needs to go in at 375 for an hour - yeah that’s going to take some juggling. Does that make me a control freak? 

Nope. I find it mindboggling that people bring a dish that is not ready to eat, unless that is requested by the hostess (or is a desert that bakes while the main course is eaten). How  does that make sense?

[EKS]

I hate potlucks.

[KungFuPanda]

I love the ideas of someone who isn’t me organizing everything. If you’re hosting and I only need to cook one thing and bring it, you can assign me any dish you need. I don’t think the problem is 2 pumpkin pies. It’s more like three berry pies and no pumpkin or apple show up. If the hostess knows what’s coming she can fill in those gaps. 
 

I’ve been to a Thanksgiving where it was potluck and there was no organization. There were cauliflower potatoes and no stuffing. I would have brought potatoes and stuffing had I known. For any other meal it doesn’t matter, but for Thanksgiving it’s nice to have the basics. 

[Terabith]

I think it should go without saying that 1) people who are traveling over an hour should not be asked to bring anything, and 2) people should know better than to bring things that need to go in the oven unless it's been specifically stated by the host.  I don't know anyone with more than one oven, and some people have very small ovens.  

[Annie G]

1 hour ago, Quill said:

Even my extended family when they have their family reunion operates the same way.  Everyone has "their" thing to contribute.  We just don't discuss it.  If someone isn't there one year, well we probably won't have "their" item but no one will go hungry.
 

How did this develop, I wonder? Surely there had to be some initial conversation somewhere in the past where it was discussed, right?

 

This is how it is where I live in the south. People are known for certain dishes and that’s what they bring to reunions, potlucks, family dinners. I never even thought about how it starts except that as people age someone younger takes over their dish.  For example, when my mom passed away I ‘inherited’ the job of making the chicken and noodles. My oldest is nearly 40 and has been working on them and will likely take that job when my hands can no longer roll and cut noodles.

Nephew’s longtime girlfriend wanted to have a signature dish and really wanted to claim deviled eggs, which is one of mine. I let her bring them but after two holidays I have them back. Because you can’t come into a family and start adding avocado and jalapeños to the deviled eggs! 

[teachermom2834]

I’m actually fine with something going in my oven if we’ve discussed it before. But I do have to have a plan. 🙂

[Ausmumof3]

I like some general guidelines like bring a salad or bring a dessert or bring drinks or bring a nibbles platter but I would get annoyed by anything more specific I think.

[Storygirl]

In my family, guests ask what they should bring. Sometimes the host is specific, and sometimes they ask, "what do you have in mind?" I'm not bothered if someone asks me for something specific. No one in our family tells anyone what to do.

As the hostess, I've had people show up with things for the oven after I said there would be no oven space. I also had people (not family but friends) decide at the last minute not to come to a gathering, when they had signed up to bring something, leaving me scrambling to figure out how to provide the missing elements.

When I'm hosting, I really need to have a general idea of what people will bring, so that I can plan to have the rest of the meal. I expect that to be the same for others when they are hosting, so I'm not offended by people who ask for specific things.

[Murphy101]

Yes.  I dislike it so much that my default is to not attend such functions OR I will say when asked or invited, “Oh I’d love to bring ___ or _____ dish to that.”  I swear it never fails that I’m asked to bring food we never eat or I hate making.  It really stresses me out!

When I host - I don’t feel comfortable asking guests to bring anything. It feels like demanding a particular gift to me.  Instead, I state what foods will be there that I am aware of and say that I genuinely do not mind if they bring anything or nothing they’d like to have in addition. This is especially true for holiday events. If someone just doesn’t feel like it’s a holiday feast without their grandma’s version of deviled eggs vs mine? I genuinely don’t care if they bring it and we two versions of deviled eggs.  

In terms of holidays I just don’t understand all the stress. Who cares if we end up with 4 side dishes of yams? Obviously we must all like yams then so yay - now there’s plenty. It’s not like we have holiday meals every day, I bet we’ll survive it.

But I’m also the opposite of everyone else. The only time I ever use paper plates is for the big 3 holidays.  The point of feasts days is a time of celebration and sharing time of joy and food with loved ones.

[Farrar]

I think it's nice to have some guidelines. Two of the same pie isn't a tragedy but a Thanksgiving meal that consists of the turkey and eight different dressings isn't exactly ideal and I've been at potluck meals where something along those lines occurred. It's a balancing act. I think the host should collaborate and respect the traditions of the family/guests and approach the whole thing with good humor and positive assumptions and lots of flexibility.

I'm a little surprised by the level of vehemence in the thread about being told what to bring. But I've also honestly never been told beyond "oh, we love you ___, would you bring that?" or "we're trying to divide it all up, dessert and vegetable dish are the two that are left, could you do one of those and decide what you'd like to contribute" or something along one of those lines, which I feel like is actually fine.

[busymama7]

So this year the host handled it a little differently.   She asked everyone to bring a pie but that's stressing me out because I would like to know what's still needed because I could make just about anything.  But then she said what she was making (turkey and gravy) and listed the rest of the main items needed like mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, rolls, veggies etc and everyone chimed in for what they would bring.   For this kind of meal I'm not ok with everyone just bringing whatever because it's the kind of meal that everything essential needs to be there . Like I would be so sad not to have anyone decide to bring stuffing or mashed potatoes.  Now the host could have provided all the essentials but she is hosting almost 30 people and many are actually staying with her.  We are all fine contributing and this way was simple and easy to go along with.  

[gardenmom5]

TELLING someone what to bring: would have me rolling my eyes.

when we hosted dh's family (30 people, there are more now) - dh would send out a sign up email, so people could sign up for what they wanted to bring.

somethings were generic of "side dish", or appetizer.   or whatever else someone wanted to bring.  their choice.  single males tended to bring a box of chocolate.  The chocolate turkey was fun the few years costco had them.

[catz]

I don’t mind at all being given a category.   Like bring a green salad, or a veggie side, or potatoes, or a fruit pie.   I actually like that.   It is nice to have a mix.   
 

But my SIL does go full Marney at times.  Once I was assigned potatoes and I’m like cool.  I said I’m bringing twice baked potato casserole in a crock warm so I don’t have to battle in the kitchen.  Well that was the WRONG kind of potatoes so I was fired.    For a bunch of holidays in a row I made challah bread from scratch and brought honey butter.   Well one of her adult kids like pillsbury crescent rolls from a can better.  So fired from homemade bread.  I was once specifically assigned very specific jello for Christmas.   I don’t eat jello, I was hosting my mom Christmas Eve, there is no way I am stepping away to make something none of us will eat.   I offered to double anything I was making for the 24th.   I’m sure she thinks I’m a problem child.   That family eats so much bland highly processed stuff I don’t really enjoy holiday meals with them.   

Edited November 19, 2022 by catz

[Dianthus]

This post makes me feel badly, was I wrong to ask, but they ask me and I did ask, not tell. And it's normal for us.

 

I asked one SIL to bring mashed potatoes and an appetizer. And told her if they wanted green bean casserole to bring it because I wasn't making it. I don't like that casserole. I usually make green beans Amandine. She is having one of her DIL make the casserole. I told her if the other DIL wanted to bring something, she could bring rolls. They are bringing 8 big eaters and I don't feel badly about asking for that.

I asked the other SIL to bring roasted vegetables and an appetizer. She is an ok cook but just not our tradition so I felt this was something that wouldn't get messed up 

Asked a friend who loves to make turkeys to bring a turkey. I hate turkey.

I'm making ham, dressing, yams, salad, 2-3 appetizers, cranberry sauce and at least 9 pies though I may add to the list. And I'm doing drinks. And I have the youngest kids by far and a toddler. My mom will be with me helping me too.

I haven't hosted Thanksgiving in several years because my house is smallest. I usually am asked to make all the pies. My SIL actually texted me at the beginning of October acting like she was hosting and said "we need to start thinking about Thanksgiving". When I responded that it was too early, she said "Usually I am last minute.
What I am asking is, would you want to host this year? "  So maybe she was sharing the opportunity to host, but I felt it was a bit pushed on me. Talking through this now, I don't feel too badly i asked them to bring food. Ha.

 

[Shoeless]

I'm fine being assigned to bring something except when I have been assigned the "F.U." dish, aka the dish you tell someone to bring when you really don't want to eat their food, so you assign them something that no one will eat. 

The "f.u." dish is a tossed green salad with my people. The first year, I thought "Huh...green salad for Thanksgiving? Ok, if that's what they want...", and then no one other than me and DH touched it.  And I'm pretty sure the only reason DH ate any of it was because he knew I felt embarrassed. He kept saying "Doesn't anyone else want any of this delicious salad?!" until I kicked him under the table.  I called my sister afterward to ask if I was a terrible cook and no one wanted to hurt my feelings by telling me. She swears I am a decent cook. 🤷‍♀️  My people are just really rigid about their food options and opt for a narrow band of highly processed foods.  I once made a roast chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, and frozen corn, (I thought this was a fairly tame dinner option for picky people!), and they just pushed it around their plate like it was roadkill. 

Man, I'm so glad I'm not dealing with this crap any more! 

 

    

[Clarita]

I'm OK with it. It usually shows who has kept up with my family though depending on what they ask us to bring. People who know us have their preferences on what they would like us to bring (brisket, Brussel sprouts, ice cream, cobbler...). People who don't ask me to bring napkins. Apparently my family gives off the we don't know how to cook vibe.

[teachermom2834]

While I do host my family events I am not Marney because it isn’t a team effort. I clarify what I am having in case someone wants something additional they can bring it and I give everyone the opportunity to confirm they will bring what they usually do. My siblings bring the same traditional desserts they usually do and someone might say if they are bringing something extra so it isn’t duplicated. If someone is bringing something that does need to go in the oven that is discussed and worked out- I don’t just say no. But something might need to be moved to a crock pot or something that requires planning. Because I am really happy for people to bring whatever their family wants to have. If the SIL that does pumpkin pie says she wants to try a cheesecake this year that is great! But it is good for everyone to know so the mom of 7 yo that doesn’t eat the meal but looks forward to the pumpkin pie wants to bring it. Don’t we want everyone to be happy and comfortable? Having expected foods in adequate quantities is part of that. While adults absolutely should roll with someone bringing sweet potato casserole instead of mashed potatoes with gravy, it also isn’t wrong for the host to know what people are bringing. (No one in my family likes sweet potatoes, btw. Not a substitute. I would hope everyone would behave but we’d wish someone knew so I could have the mashed potatoes. I wouldn’t demand anyone bring them). 

As someone who has done all the hosting I can see how Marney became Marney. In my case I just ended up doing it all myself. But you know, that makes people mad too. Maybe my family feels like they have tried to help and I’ve been a Marney. 
 

I have seen where someone says they will bring something and then they don’t or bring something different but not equivalent. So when the person who says the will bring ham brings fruit salad, wine, and brownies then volunteers for ham the next year the host makes extra ham. Then the guest actually brings ham and finds it isn’t needed and is offended or feels like the host was a control freak or didn’t trust them to make the ham. Guest doesn’t even remember the change up she pulled the year before. Especially if the host was kind and did not call them out on it. 

 

Gracious. Why is everything so complicated? 

Edited November 19, 2022 by teachermom2834

[Carrie12345]

I would be delighted to be told what to make… with caveats, lol.

I would hope the host knows what I am good at, includes a decent cost distribution across participants, gives a realistic serving time, supplies plenty of room for dishes and safe access to plugs, and they should be a pleasant person with good managerial skills and laid back final expectations, lol.

Beloved friends of ours never tell us what to bring to parties. “Oh, whatever you want to bring!” It stresses me out. After about 6 years of this, I have a better idea of what regulars bring, so it’s not too bad. Except that time a new person brought deviled eggs and put them out right away. Of course I brought deviled eggs that time. 😛 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, teachermom2834 said:

As someone who has done all the hosting I can see how Marney became Marney. In my case I just ended up doing it all myself. But you know, that makes people mad too. Maybe my family feels like they have tried to help and I’ve been a Marney. 

I think, in my case, what I react to is (perceived or actual) rigidity and the ordering around of other adults. My Marney person said, “Let me know how many are coming from your group so I can give you your assignments.” Is it grade school? She also said the thing about the oven in a way I found abrasive.  I found it abrupt in a “solve your own problems” kind of way; I’m going to dictate what you bring but you have to work out how to bring something fully cooked in the afternoon, which will not be eaten for two hours. 
 

She has also assigned seating before in a way I find controlling. When I host, I make sure there is table and chair space for everyone; beyond that, sit where you like. If a young niece with a toddler sits in the dining room next to old Uncle Fred - I couldn’t care less. I don’t think toddlers have to all sit at the kitchen table, for instance. The only exception I make here is for a disabled/elderly person to have the most accessible seat. But that’s it. 
 

I don’t think it’s controlling to say, “We’re making the ham, noodles and one pumpkin pie; we need sides and more desserts so state on this chain what you can contribute.” And then if I see that nobody else is offering X, and the meal will not be complete without it, I will make that thing too or buy it or whatever. 

[Momto6inIN]

It's so interesting the differences in family/cultural expectations re hosting a meal! My mom taught me that if you invited someone to your home, you made all the food. The end. It never occurred to me that this wasn't universal.

So when we got married and moved out of state I invited a bunch of new friends from our new church to our home for New Year's Eve and I had fun planning out all the appetizers I would make just like my mom always did. The people I invited kept asking me what they could bring and I started to get my feelings hurt. Did they think I couldn't cook???

It turns out that in my new church community (similar to Mennonites) it's culturally expected to take a dish or two everywhere you go. Meals are almost always a community effort. They thought I was weird and a control freak for not letting them.

I've learned to adapt and I definitely prefer their way now, after having tried it both ways several times.

Having hosted a meal where 60+ people are served, I can honestly say that I can see where Marney is coming from, although I dislike her tone 😉 Serving large groups of people in your home is stressful, whether you do the whole meal yourself or it's potluck, and so I always grant a little extra grace to the person willing to serve it, even if I'd do it differently myself.

[teachermom2834]

I’m definitely not ordering anyone around! They wouldn’t do what I ordered them to anyway. Lol. 

We kind of bend over backwards for a couple people in my family who are not hosting. So they tell the host when they will arrive and the host flexes to them. Haha. And where they want to sit. And makes sure they have their favorite foods. And room in the oven.  Etc. So my frustrations with hosting (which my posts over the years have moved from being really upset to how can I just make this easier because my people are nutty?) 

But honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if my family thinks I’m Marney and I think I’m hosting Marney. Lol. But we always have plenty of food. Hot and ready on time. I’m just exhausted. 

[teachermom2834]

Kinda off topic but related because some people have mentioned it- I actually would be okay with providing every dang thing for the whole meal and truly hosting. Easier and more fulfilling in a lot of ways.  But then I feel like the next year or holiday someone else needs to do that and allow my family to be the guests. I cannot cheerfully host every holiday meeting everyone’s every need with no reciprocation. Not just for me but my family. My oldest kids have some memory of holidays at other people’s houses but my teen dd has known nothing of holidays but the cleaning, cooking, playing hostess, and then cleaning up. Dh taking a vacation day to run errands. My boys bringing in all the spare tables and chairs set up/take down, etc. Running out for ice, maintaining coolers, etc etc. It just is a lot of work on the whole family. They lose their mom for days not to mention $$$$$$
 

I wouldn’t mind truly hosting and not asking for any contribution. But you have to take a turn and let me just show up and eat sometime. If you aren’t willing to do that, you can help out. And even bring something you don’t want to (but I don’t take it that far).

[Soror]

41 minutes ago, Momto6inIN said:

It's so interesting the differences in family/cultural expectations re hosting a meal! My mom taught me that if you invited someone to your home, you made all the food. The end. It never occurred to me that this wasn't universal.

My mom leans this way. She doesn't make everything but there is usually nothing anyone is bringing that we have to have--- except my brother who fries the turkey.  She is the one that took over hosting when my grandma (her mom) passed. Honestly, it has hurt my feelings many times. I feel incompetent as other women my age contribute many items to family meals or host and I don't do any of the above. I love to cook and cook all the time. But I'd cook things a bit differently. Most of the traditional food I can't eat or don't love and it is all about the same things for her. I've been working on just going with it and not being hurt. Making what I want for myself and bringing that. Letting her do it her way and enjoy the company. When she passes I will not take on the torch of the family get togethers and will start working on my own traditions with my own kids. (we've had a few holidays where we weren't able to get together with our families and it was kinda nice to make the meal myself with the kids but that is a pretty rare occurrence)

as to the op- I think it depends on how it is said and who says it whether I'd be offended- I could see it being helpful and I can see it being real jerky

Edited November 19, 2022 by Soror