Extended Family Forgetting Kids' Birthdays Vent

[jccmgla]

Just a vent...

My kids' extended family consist of my husband's parents (both remarried), my divorced mom and dad, my husband's sister (married with kids my kids' ages), my husband's single brother, my single sister, my married brother (no kids for either). The point is that there are four grandparents households and four aunt/uncle households.

The number out of those eight who remembered my son's 13th birthday four weeks ago? One...my sister who was visiting at the time. He received zero cards in the mail. Zero phone calls.

And we have good relationships with all of these family members! 

For reference, usually not ALL remember to send a card to all five of my kids every birthday. But at least some do every time until now. And, lateness doesn't bother us at all. And I'm about 90% each year for sending cards out.

I did confront my dad who said he was busy with house stuff because he just bought a new one...which is a crappy excuse to me as he doesn't work and has no responsibility except himself. And he still didn't send anything even after me telling him my son was so disappointed that he didn't get anything from anyone.

After stewing for a couple weeks, I sent out this text: 

"Hi everyone, I hope you all are well. I'm sure this was just overlooked, but **** didn't get a birthday card in the mail from any family. His birthday was Nov. *th. If you get a chance, could any of you send him at least a card? He was pretty disappointed that he didn't even get one card from anyone. ****'s birthday is coming up in a month on January *th if you want to start thinking of that too. I know we're all busy, but it's a big deal for my kids to not be thought of on their birthdays by their family. I love you all and please don't think I'm asking meanly. ♥️☺️ "

Some have texted back that they feel bad and will send a card.

I guess I had amazing grandparents who we always spent weekends and vacations with who've passed away and I hate that my kids don't have that blessing with their grandparents. 

Is this a generational thing? Do your kids have grandparents who pursue a relationship with your kids even if they live far away? Just curious if it's just my family, lol.

 

[BakersDozen]

Could be a generational thing. My kids get cards from grandparents but none of the grown siblings send cards or call on niece/nephew birthdays. Honestly I really love that no one (including me) does so because the pressure is off. We might send random letters for no other reason than to say 'hi' but we don't make a big deal out of any birthdays outside of our own children's. No expectations, no disappointment. We do the same thing with Xmas cards/gifts and again, lovely sense of relief. We don't have the relationship with each other (adults) or kids that past generations did for sure. We may see each other once/year if that...and then after a few hours we're ready for aunts/uncles/cousins/grandparents to go home, lol.

[Storygirl]

My side of the family does not do anything to recognize my kids' birthdays. My mom probably would, but she is unable (Alzheimer's). When they were younger, we would host a family party, and people would bring a little gift, but we haven't done that for some time, because they live a couple of hours away. They do not give my kids anything for Christmas, either, although if we see Dad on Christmas day, he might hand out some money. Sometimes not, though.

When my kids were younger, they did give them gifts.

DH's side of the family likes to celebrate birthdays, but we lump them together and celebrate several at once a few times per year. So they will get gifts then from grandparents and aunts/uncle. But cards or phone calls on the actual day? Nope.

I think you can't make people remember. And as kids grow older, I think people tend to think the birthdays are less important for extended family to commemorate. You may need to adjust your expectations. It may seem painful at first, but if you don't make a big deal about it to the kids, it will soon seem like normal to them. I wouldn't say or do anything to encourage the kids to expect to hear from relatives; set the expectations low. And then celebrate as exuberantly as you like within your own household, so they come to think of having just immediate family celebrating special enough.

Sorry, it's hard to feel disappointed. I used to feel disappointed, but I've accepted things as they are, and it's okay now.

[alisoncooks]

My parents and my MIL send cards to my daughters for their birthdays. My parents also call/FaceTime. My brother doesn't, nor do I send cards to his kids. (His kids are very young and still have family birthday parties, so I often see them there). 

OTOH, my FIL is a 1st class loser who's never once acknowledged my kids birthday or sent a Christmas gift or even a phone call.  So there's that. 

[Loowit]

I can see how if that is your family tradition it would be hurtful for everyone to forget to send him a card.  My family doesn't really do that traditionally for aunts/uncles, but grandparents always remember birthdays.  I think though that if mom were around dad would forget.

I have tried in the last few years to send a card to my nieces and nephews on my side of the family for their birthdays but sometimes I forget.  The worst was this year forgetting my brother's son, who shares the same birth date as my youngest.  They are one year apart.  My kids always get a card from my sister, but not my brother unless we have a party.

I don't even know my nephews' birth dates on DH's side.  I know months but not date.  We don't exchange cards or anything and never have.  I do send Christmas presents every year, but they have rarely reciprocated in the last few years except last year when we actually got together for  Christmas Eve.

[DesertBlossom]

There are soon to be 35 grandkids on my side of the family and 17 on DH's. I don't expect my siblings or ILs to remember my kids' birthdays. But I also don't want to be expected to do something for each of their kids' either. *blush* I'm not even any good at remembering/acknowledging my siblings' birthdays. And we have great relationships with all these people-- my family gets together at least monthly for a Sunday dinner. So it's not like we don't love each other. It's just a lot of people to remember birthdays. :) 

For my kids, MIL and FIL (a state away) always send late cards or gifts. And since my mom died, the only reason my dad sends anything is because I have a sister who once a month sends out cards on his behalf with some cash inside. My mom would have taken each child out shopping individually, but that was her thing. It's definitely not my dad's.

Edited December 2, 2018 by DesertBlossom

[TechWife]

2 hours ago, jccmgla said:

...

And we have good relationships with all of these family members!

...

 

Is this a generational thing? Do your kids have grandparents who pursue a relationship with your kids even if they live far away? Just curious if it's just my family, lol.

 

My husband's parents died before our son was born. We visited his step-mother/aunt in another state every couple of years until she passed away. I don't remember her sending him any cards or calling him. My husband spoke to her regularly. We saw my parents at least twice per year up until they died a couple of years ago. My mom sent birthday cards every year. She didn't send gifts - that just wasn't in her budget.

I don't think aunts & uncles have ever sent birthday cards or birthday presents. My husbands family sent a Christmas present every year through the senior year in high school, then stopped according to our family tradition. Lots of aunts & uncles sent high school graduation cards and some sent gift cards for that occasion.

We have good relationships with all family members and it would never occur to me to point out that someone that they didn't send a card or gift to my child.

As an aunt & uncle, we sent Christmas gifts through high school graduation (or the drop out) and that is all. That is only for nieces, nephews, great-nieces & great-nephews. Great-great nieces & nephews won't be getting gifts from us - it could be a nightmare keeping up with that many kiddos! We see extended family on each side - well, there's no normal interval since my parents died. We think we are going to try alternating Thanksgiving between the two areas eventually. Last year we went to one side for Thanksgiving, this year we stayed home. The kids all know each other and all of the siblings get along for the most part (I have a challenging brother).

I might occasionally remember to send a birthday card. My mom was a master at sending cards - she rarely forgot anyone's birthday.

Edited December 2, 2018 by TechWife

[Storygirl]

I read your OP again, and I'm going to post another thought for you to ponder.

I think you sent your text with good intentions, to be a gentle reminder, and in order to protect the feelings of your children.

However, it is not your place to tell others how to recognize birthdays. Recognizing a birthday for an extended relative is nice, but not obligatory.

It is your place to help your children handle disappointment with grace, and you can model that for them.

[JustEm]

56 minutes ago, DesertBlossom said:

There are soon to be 35 grandkids on my side of the family and 17 on DH's. I don't expect my siblings or ILs to remember my kids' birthdays. But I also don't want to be expected to do something for each of their kids' either. *blush* I'm not even any good at remembering/acknowledging my siblings' birthdays. And we have great relationships with all these people-- my family gets together at least monthly for a Sunday dinner. So it's not like we don't love each other. It's just a lot of people to remember birthdays. :) 

For my kids, MIL and FIL (a state away) always send late cards or gifts. And since my mom died, the only reason my dad sends anything is because I have a sister who once a month sends out cards on his behalf with some cash inside. My mom would have taken each child out shopping individually, but that was her thing. It's definitely not my dad's.

 

This is similar to my family, although my parents only have 21 grand kids currently, and have dinner with my local siblings and their families weekly, if not twice a week. My parents ALWAYS acknowledge birthdays, dad gives money and mom gets a gift or does something special with each kid.  My siblings that see us weekly will acknowledge the kids' birthdays because they always see them within the week or 2.  My siblings who are farther away never acknowledge birthdays, unless they happen to be visiting during a birthday.  I also don't acknowledge the out of town birthdays unless I happen to be talking to one of those sibling around their bday.  No one is every hurt, that is just the family culture.

But I can see why it is upsetting if your family's culture is to acknowledge birthdays 

[Frances]

Nm

Edited December 2, 2018 by Frances

[mom2scouts]

My kids have never had a card, gift, or phone call from any family members other than my mom who always sends a birthday card and $5. I've never sent a card to any of my neices or nephews either.  Honestly, I'd be a bit surprised to get a text chiding me for not sending a birthday card to a nephew. I don't always do all that much for my own children's birthdays.

Edited December 2, 2018 by mom2scouts
spelling error

[maize]

I don't expect cards. My MiL when she was alive did always send a card or gift. My parents have never done anything for birthdays. I have one sister and two sisters in law who sometimes send a card but I certainly don't expect it. None of the other aunts or uncles do (14 households).

[maize]

I've always thought it was up to the immediate not extended family to celebrate birthdays. This may be a family culture thing.

[JenneinCA]

My birthday was forgotten by most of my extended family for most of my childhood.  I lived thousands of miles away and was out of sight and out of mind.  However I still would not have wanted my mom to shame her relatives into sending me a card and a present.  That feels wrong to me now and it would have then, too.

[Garga]

The grandparents remember, but the aunts and uncles don’t.    And I include myself in that.  I don’t remember my nephews’ birthdays.  And yes, it’s pretty lame.  I guess we’re all lame together in this family.  😕

Edited December 2, 2018 by Garga

[marbel]

My grandparents never acknowledged birthdays. Aunts and uncles certainly didn't, even my godparents. We were all pretty close but gifts just weren't a thing.

I always gave my nieces and nephews gifts but by the time I had kids, birthday acknowledgements were sporadic at best.  That was a little hurtful at times, but they had their own stuff going on so I stopped taking it personally. My husband's sister (who has no kids) is equally sporadic and probably only remembers if my in-laws tell her.

My mom always sent a card and some money and my in-laws always send some sort of gift.

But extended family?  Nope. So I agree that it's a family culture thing.

[J-rap]

I don't think it's a generational thing;  I think it's a family thing.  My own family is pretty good at this (at least when the kids were younger), but my dh's family didn't do this.  They were/are really great people.  Very kind and caring and they'd go out of their way to help me and help anybody, really.  But sending a birthday card on someone's birthday is really just not on their radar.  They do love my kids dearly and my kids know it.  I guess at the end of the day, it's more important that my kids feel loved rather than get a birthday card on their birthday for tradition's sake.  I wouldn't be making a big deal of it, nor would I let my kids make a big deal of it.  It's just setting them up for disappointment when things don't go their way, and in the end, I really don't think it matters that much.

On the other hand, if your parents aren't even pursuing a relationship...  Well, that would make me feel sad too, and I'm sorry for that.  But I guess it is what it is.  I wouldn't dwell on it because that also sets yourselves up for disappointment.  Some people are just that way and there are better ways to expend your energy.  

[gardenmom5]

My suggestion would be a family birthday calendar as a christmas gift.   that has everyone's birthday listed.

[Shoeless]

I am one of those people that never, ever remember birthdays unless you live with me.  In fact, I'm late mailing a card to my nephew for his birthday.  The only reason I know his birthday was recently is because my sister posted a video about his school party.  (Whoops!)

I don't expect my siblings to remember my son's birthday, but it's nice when they do.  I also don't expect anyone outside of this house to remember my birthday.  I've gotten to a point where I'd rather let the day pass quietly, rather than deal with other's expectations for how I should spend the day.  I do kind of think grandparents should make something of an effort for a kid's birthday.  A card and a phone call would be nice. It doesn't have to be a lavish gift. 

My dad only remembers my son's birthday because my sister nags him about it.  My mother and I are mostly estranged because she can't be bothered to acknowledge my son.  We haven't seen her in 6-ish years. 

My son has the same birthday as my MIL, but it's a crap-shoot as to whether she will send a card on time.  She never calls to talk to him. 

Edited December 2, 2018 by MissLemon

[Bambam]

I'm not good at remembering dates. We don't really care about specific days to celebrate birthdays. 
That said, my MIL (only surviving grandparent) sends cards for birthdays and anniversaries (which is good, otherwise we would probably forget).

One of my sisters sends cards (no kids of her own) but sometimes they are on time, sometimes they are late. Other sister never had sent a card. I don't think we even got a Christmas card from her last year. 

Other ILs - no cards except maybe a Christmas card.

I don't remember getting any birthday cards growing up.

But, you know, you can't control other people. You can, however, control your reactions to situations. 

ETA: Wait, I have a niece and a nephew (and they actually have kids too!). I've never sent them a birthday card or Christmas card. My sister never communicated that she had kids, so it took me a long time to realize she had children. I have no idea of their birthdays. I've seen them maybe twice in the past 30 years? Different families/different siblings/different expectations.

My dad had a saying, "If you expect the worst, you will never be disappointed." You can substitute the word nothing for the worst and it still stands. 

Edited December 2, 2018 by Bambam

[City Mouse]

My mother remembers everyone's birthday, but is usually weeks late with a card because of how long it takes her to get something mailed. My grandmother and one of my husband's aunts used to send every kid $1 on their birthdays (they both passed away a long time ago). None of the other extended relatives have ever recognized my kids birthdays (and I don't have any clues when most Of my nieces and nephews birthdays are). I take that back- I have one niece who is close in age to my DD. When the girls were little we lived in the same town and would sometimes attend the other's birthdays day parties, but that ended when my niece, who is 2 yrs older, started school and only wanted school friends at her party.

[fairfarmhand]

I'm a terrible auntie. I don't even know any of my nieces/nephews birthdays. We see these family members maybe 4 times a year.

My dad and stepmom and dh's mom send cards. 

My kids don't expect anything.

We're all okay with it.

[RootAnn]

I'm one of those people who mostly don't acknowledge birthdays. This annoys my mother (to whom birthdays are a big thing), my SiL, and others. It is hit & miss. They are on our calendar and we might talk about them before the date or even on the birthday, but remember to call or even send an email? 5% chance that'll happen.

My mom usually remembers to send a card -- but birthdays are a Big Deal to her. I could care less about my own birthday or other holidays (including my wedding anniversary which I have been known to forget) even though I know how important they are to others.

Does it mean I don't care about that particular niece/nephew/sibling or parent? No. I loved my dad ferociously and missed calling on his birthday more times than I have my mother. He knew I loved him & he's like me in that he didn't need to hear from me on that particular day to feel my love.

I tried so hard not to miss my mom's birthday one year that I called a week early.

I'd cut your family a lot of slack and help your kids with appreciating the attention they do get when they get it.

Like, everyday could be Valentine's Day so it isn't as important to do something on that one day because you feel the love on so many others.

[Meriwether]

I love my sister's kids very much. All 8 of them. If something happens to her and BIL, I'll be raising them. We see them fairly often for living 6 hours apart. I usually miss their birthdays. If I have an idea for a gift, I'll give it to them the visit before or after their birthday. Or maybe two visits after a birthday, if I forget. My oldest nephew had a birthday two weeks ago. I called my sister the day of his birthday, and she mentioned that it was his birthday (I don't pay a lot of attention to dates.) I said something along the lines of "Oh! I didn't realize it was ____date." A little while later I told one of my kids to call their house to ask a question and my nephew answered the phone but the phone disconnected right away. I told the kids to all gather around so they could sing him happy birthday when we called back. But I wouldn't have remembered to have them call him if he hadn't answered the phone. My sister is the same with my kids. Sometimes a gift, sometimes a phone call, sometimes nothing, but always love.

[jccmgla]

Thanks for your replies about how your extended family does birthdays, everyone. It's interesting to see how different other families do things.

It sounds like grandparents either always remember and send a card, or never send anything. 

Mostly the hurt that was felt by my son is that this was the first time one of my kids didn't receive any card from extended family. If it was normal, they would be used to it, but it's not. I don't talk bad about family, so I was honest and just told my son that they must have forgotten and I'm sorry. Of course, a 13 year old is old enough to think, "Wow, ALL of my grandparents forgot my birthday? That sucks." It's just a sad lesson in what kind of priority you are to your family. We are always sending cards and letters to family and friends, so that is what my kids think is normal.

I really don't think that it is okay for grandparents to just forget or neglect their grandkids when there is a good relationship otherwise. But other than communicate with them that they're hurting their grandchild's feelings (and likely their relationship with them), there's nothing I can do. 

 

 

[HomeAgain]

You're right to feel hurt.  And it is a sucky lesson for a kid to have to deal with.

Dh's parents have been horrid in this respect.  Youngest's birthday is very close to his cousin's, and we are the only family that moved out of the area.  His first birthday MIL forgot, but gushed over his cousin.  And then she also forgot our oldest's the next month, and then I finally flipped my lid when she forgot to tell dh his bio-dad died but felt no problem discussing it openly on Facebook.  And all of this happened within 2 months' time.  She just had the idea that 'out of sight = out of mind', and blamed us for moving so far away - it was our fault she couldn't remember.  So for the next few years we did as she asked and the kids called her on their birthdays and holidays so she could remember them.  That stopped when her behavior to them got worse.  No 7yo needs to be hurt by his grandmother.

The problem is, you can't undo something for a 13yo.  He's going to be hurt and they can't take that away or change the relationship unless they seriously work at it.  To them, it was a card.  To your kid, it was a full family rejection.

[Carrie12345]

We don't usually have extended family involved in birthdays. Well, sometimes my mom visits in the summer and will give all the kids (4 out of 5 were born between May and August) small gifts. Some years there are calls. Most years, we're so busy on birthdays that it's hard to coordinate times.  One of my sisters and I usually manage something at a later date when we ask the kids how their day went. It's all very laid back, no expectations. My kids are pleasantly surprised when gestures are made.

We do all send Christmas gifts.

[lulalu]

I am going to admit how bad of an aunt I am. I don't send cards or gifts. I have too many to remember them all. When I only had three nephews I remembered much easier. Now I have 10 and can't remember and don't have time to get cards and send them out. 

One year I did send a big package with gifts from overseas and cards for each kid all in one box per family. Telling my siblings and dh siblings to hold on to it until the kid's b-days came up. Well that didn't go over well. So now I have let myself off the hook of remembering or needing to go to every party. 

[marbel]

5 hours ago, jccmgla said:

Thanks for your replies about how your extended family does birthdays, everyone. It's interesting to see how different other families do things.

It sounds like grandparents either always remember and send a card, or never send anything. 

Mostly the hurt that was felt by my son is that this was the first time one of my kids didn't receive any card from extended family. If it was normal, they would be used to it, but it's not. I don't talk bad about family, so I was honest and just told my son that they must have forgotten and I'm sorry. Of course, a 13 year old is old enough to think, "Wow, ALL of my grandparents forgot my birthday? That sucks." It's just a sad lesson in what kind of priority you are to your family. We are always sending cards and letters to family and friends, so that is what my kids think is normal.

<snip>

I wonder if they figured once a kid hits the teens, there's no need for birthday cards anymore?  This isn't my family, but I do know of people who have a sort of age cutoff where they stop giving gifts, sending cards, etc.  I might try to spin it that way, anyway. I am sorry your kid is feeling hurt.  

[Serenade]

Last year my mom announced she wasn't doing birthday gifts anymore for anyone.  I was very hurt, and she knew it, but she did not change her mind. She has the financial means to do it, too.  She just doesn't want to.  At least she still gives cards, though.  Although she was in my house on my younger son's birthday and absolutely forget to wish him a happy day.  He was sad about it.   She is his only living grandparent.  My sister pretty much never does anything for my kids birthday, although my SIL usually remembers and sends a card or at least a text. 

[wintermom]

7 hours ago, jccmgla said:

But other than communicate with them that they're hurting their grandchild's feelings (and likely their relationship with them), there's nothing I can do. 

Some things we have done in the past to include grandparents in a positive way are: invite the grandparent(s) to the family birthday celebration, speak/write about what the birthday celebration is going to be if the grandparent isn't in town, send photos of the celebration, have the child phone or write thank you cards to show appreciation and do their part to develop the relationship.

It's helpful to recognize that others have their own personal concerns and chaos going on. You mentioned that a parent was moving, but that this was not a good excuse to forget a grandchild's birthday. Perhaps this is true from your perspective, but understanding that others have stressful situations happening in their lives helps us see things from a broader perspective. Perhaps from your father's point of view, if you had been on-hand to help him out with the new house, and you invited him to a family birthday meal, he would have remembered the occasion. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

My 93 year old mom forgot my dd's birthday the last two years.  Dd is a bit sad about it - especially since she was born on my Dad's birthday so it is a date that my Mom should know very well.  But my mom is old.  She forgets things.  I did, however, send a text to my sister who provides weekly shopping help for Mom to ask Mom to sign her card with her this year.  This way Dd will be remembered and Mom won't be scolded in any way.  And if my sister forgets?  Really, it's no biggie.  Knowing that my mom's love for my dd has nothing to do with birthday cards helps. 

[nixpix5]

My mom and stepdad would never forget the little ones but my DHs parents hardly ever remember. Siblings never send cards and that is fine with me since I don't feel pressure to remember all of their kids. I am not too bothered by it and my kids aren't either. They are grateful if someone sends them a card and are fine if they don't. 

[KungFuPanda]

Omg, that email! 😳 They are TALKING about you. I don’t see that having the results you hoped. 

A tapering off of birthday acknowledgement, when you’re not WITH the kid that day, is fairly normal for extended family. It’s not the same as if the people you live with blew you off. It sounds like the household is big enough that there were lots of “Happy Birthday” greetings on the special day. It might be best to manage their expectations and explain that, as you age, the card-and-gift train slows considerably and you’ve got to learn to manage that without falling apart. 

[katilac]

If it was important to me or my kids, I would talk about their upcoming birthday or birthday plans with family right around the sweet spot of time for reminding them to send a card if they wish. "Can you believe Junior is going to be a teenager on the tenth??" 😉

[BlsdMama]

On 12/1/2018 at 5:19 PM, jccmgla said:

Just a vent...

My kids' extended family consist of my husband's parents (both remarried), my divorced mom and dad, my husband's sister (married with kids my kids' ages), my husband's single brother, my single sister, my married brother (no kids for either). The point is that there are four grandparents households and four aunt/uncle households.

The number out of those eight who remembered my son's 13th birthday four weeks ago? One...my sister who was visiting at the time. He received zero cards in the mail. Zero phone calls.

And we have good relationships with all of these family members! 

For reference, usually not ALL remember to send a card to all five of my kids every birthday. But at least some do every time until now. And, lateness doesn't bother us at all. And I'm about 90% each year for sending cards out.

I did confront my dad who said he was busy with house stuff because he just bought a new one...which is a crappy excuse to me as he doesn't work and has no responsibility except himself. And he still didn't send anything even after me telling him my son was so disappointed that he didn't get anything from anyone.

After stewing for a couple weeks, I sent out this text: 

"Hi everyone, I hope you all are well. I'm sure this was just overlooked, but **** didn't get a birthday card in the mail from any family. His birthday was Nov. *th. If you get a chance, could any of you send him at least a card? He was pretty disappointed that he didn't even get one card from anyone. ****'s birthday is coming up in a month on January *th if you want to start thinking of that too. I know we're all busy, but it's a big deal for my kids to not be thought of on their birthdays by their family. I love you all and please don't think I'm asking meanly. ♥️☺️ "

Some have texted back that they feel bad and will send a card.

I guess I had amazing grandparents who we always spent weekends and vacations with who've passed away and I hate that my kids don't have that blessing with their grandparents. 

Is this a generational thing? Do your kids have grandparents who pursue a relationship with your kids even if they live far away? Just curious if it's just my family, lol.

 

 

 

I hope my kids don’t expect this. I honestly think it’s beyond me. 

My in laws usually remember, they are both retired. My parents remember eventually. Maybe you should host cake/ice cream if you want it recognized and it’s important to you both? It could solve the problem and hurt feelings?

 

[marbel]

33 minutes ago, katilac said:

If it was important to me or my kids, I would talk about their upcoming birthday or birthday plans with family right around the sweet spot of time for reminding them to send a card if they wish. "Can you believe Junior is going to be a teenager on the tenth??" 😉

Do you mean as a hint, hoping they would get the subtext that a card/gift is wanted/expected?  

I don't know. These sorts of things are not really important to me, so it's hard for me to say, but I think a better thing to do is as KFP suggested: reset kids' expectations.  Certainly easier than trying to manage adults.

[katilac]

2 hours ago, marbel said:

Do you mean as a hint, hoping they would get the subtext that a card/gift is wanted/expected?  

I don't know. These sorts of things are not really important to me, so it's hard for me to say, but I think a better thing to do is as KFP suggested: reset kids' expectations.  Certainly easier than trying to manage adults.

 

I mean as a reminder, if she's sure they would want to call or send a card.  We do birthday phone calls in my family, and I would be a huge failure at it if my sister didn't remind me. We're not big on subtlety, so she just calls or texts me, "It's your father's birthday, don't forget to call him!" It's trickier if she doesn't know if they all happened to forget or if some of them are trying to get away from the tradition. I was thinking she had said they were close, but I read again and she said they have good relationships, which covers a lot more ground. 

OP, like I said, in my family we have a tradition of birthday phone calls. My brother, sister, and parents live local. My sister and mom make a deal about my kids' birthdays, my dad calls and gives his own gift for special birthdays like 13, 16, etc. and my brother generally gave gifts if we had a party for them but not if we didn't. 

dh's family is all far away. His parents send a birthday card and gift and call on the phone, always. This would be much less likely to happen if it was only his dad, lol.  His brother never does but is fabulous in other ways (and has no kids). His sister has kids and we maybe sent things back and forth a couple of times but that died out quickly and I was fine with that. We were never in the habit of cards or calls for that side of the family, except for his parents. 

When I was a child, no extended family members did anything for my birthday. It was strictly nuclear family. If you had a party, you might invite cousins and they would bring a gift if they came, but no cards or calls other than that. One side was local and one side was a few hours away. 

 

[HS Mom in NC]

Do you or your son really want a card you had to tell them to send? I wouldn't because there's no nice way to do that and it makes it meaningless if you succeed.  My bet is that text will cost you in your relationships with them in some way, hopefully it will be small. I think you and your son need to change your expectations of birthdays.  He should invite to his celebration who he likes and not spend one moment of energy on who didn't do or send what.

OP, how old are these grandparents you're talking about?  You do know there's a cognitive decline in the elderly even without Alzheimer's or dementia, right?  And when people have things like a move, which is incredibly mentally/emotionally disruptive to many elderly people, it's perfectly normal for them to let little things like a B-day card (Yes, that really is a little thing even if it's been annual up this point.) slip through the cracks whether or not they are employed.

My advice is to teach your son not to put a lot of symbolic meaning on the presence or absence of a card.  It was nice that they sent them regularly in the past.  You're clearly at a new stage now where you can't expect it. Things change. Spend a lot of time talking to your kids about change, seasons, adaptability, and flexibility so their lives go more smoothly.

No aunts and uncles have ever done birthday stuff on either my sides (my divorced parents and my step-dad) or my husband's.  So I'm really surprised anyone would label it as being a bad aunt or uncle. That's normal. Is it nice if they do?  Sure, but no one should expect it.  And grandparents?  No, not always and far less as the kids enter their teens.  One did for youngest this year. We moved a across country a couple of months before her 13th B-day, but it wasn't a big deal to her that she didn't get a card or gift.  It was a non-issue.

[jccmgla]

So I guess I didn't mention we don't live near our family (opposite coasts) so the only connection they keep is by sending my kids birthday cards and my kids sending cards and letters. That's probably why that one thing is important to us...it's the only thing that IS their relationship with my kids. There's nothing else happening for my kids to know that their family is interested in them at all. We visit them occasionally, but we move a lot for my husband's job and are exceptionally far right now so haven't visited them in over four years.

There's also five kids here, which is why I haven't really said a whole lot about when some family forget some kids. It's a lot to remember I guess. This is the first time everyone forgot the birthday child, so it was very noticeable to not only my son, but also to my younger kids as well who asked why their brother didn't get any cards from family and then wondered if they'd get any. I don't complain about family to my kids so if they ended up sending a card late, he wouldn't even know I asked them to. 

I've reminded them before, but not often and mostly my side of the family. One child not getting any birthday cards has never happened before though. It's not normal for my kids, so they did notice. They don't ever get a phone call, they don't expect a gift, a little money is exciting for them though, but the point is ALL of their grandparents didn't think of them and since it's not normal, it hurt their feelings. I know the grandparents love their grandkids, and to tell them that their grandkids were hurt that no one remembered them on their birthday doesn't seem like a horrible thing to me. We generally talk about what's bothering us in our extended family, although thankfully, that's not usually very much.

I didn't share any of this with my kids, so if he gets a card late because I said something, it would be appreciated just as much. We're a late-card kind of family as it is.

I was more wondering if it's more common now than it used to be to forego sending extended family members birthday cards and if our parents are just following the trend, kind of how less people send Christmas cards now. It seems based on responses addressing that, that it was never the norm for everyone, it just happened to be in my family. 

Edited December 3, 2018 by jccmgla

[SKL]

In my family's tradition, birthdays outside the nuclear family are optional to remember.  Most people do zero.  My mom does try to remember to call, but honestly I would not feel badly if she forgot one of my kids' birthdays.  The two aunts (one with kids, the other without but who used to babysit my kids a lot in the past) have always remembered so far.  Uncles, no, and that's OK.  I tend to be good about remembering birthdays, so I believe I've always either given a gift or sent a text or facebook message for my siblings' kids.  I don't really do birthday cards by mail.  If I am invited to a birthday party, I bring a gift and card; otherwise, for little kids, I try to get them a gift somehow, and for older kids just a brief message.  Not sure how long I'll continue doing even that if the kids don't carry part of the relationship as they become independent adults.  I mean, I doubt they know my birthday, but seeking me out for a chat at family get-togethers, showing an interest in my kids, something.

When I was a kid, birthdays were almost strictly limited to nuclear family.  Occasionally my mom's mom would give a gift, or my dad's mom would make me a new dress, but even that was not consistent from year to year.  Aunts, uncles, nothing - ever.  So the birthday bar was set pretty low in my mind.  I am actually super lucky if my brothers remember my birthday, let alone my kids'.  😛

I think it's wise to set the bar low and tell your kids not to expect anything from most people.  Then they won't be disappointed, but may be delighted if someone does decide to send something.

[KungFuPanda]

I’d also be cautious about claiming that someone broke family tradition because everyone used to remember Johnny’s birthday and now very few people do. A lot of times, the first few grandchildren enjoy a consistent run of gifts and attention for their birthdays. Fast forward a decade and now that family has 20+ grandchildren/cousins. A gradual fading of aunts/uncles doing something for EVERY birthday is normal unless you host a big gathering. It’s a constant job to stay on top of that and when people can wish a happy birthday via Facebook or text. Putting a card in the mail seems like overkill. You’re lucky if even the grandparents can keep up that juggling act well into their second decade of grandparenthood especially when the great grandchildren begin to arrive. 

The logistics of this HAS to be easier in very small families. Even in a small family time spent together and communication are the things to be valued more and more as the child matures. 

[Hannah]

My siblings and I live on 3 (used to be 4) different continents, and where we are, mail gets lost or seriously delayed - we've had birthday cards and packages arrive 7 months late before.   We've agreed that cards are not practical and have resorted to WhatsApp and Skype for birthdays and holidays.  We have a family group where we post updates on the 11 grandkids for my parents to enjoy and for us to keep up with each other.  There will be one family member who posts a 'happy birthday you' that reminds all the others as well - and elicits a frenzy of private texts to the birthday person!

[wintermom]

10 hours ago, jccmgla said:

So I guess I didn't mention we don't live near our family (opposite coasts) so the only connection they keep is by sending my kids birthday cards and my kids sending cards and letters. That's probably why that one thing is important to us...it's the only thing that IS their relationship with my kids. There's nothing else happening for my kids to know that their family is interested in them at all. We visit them occasionally, but we move a lot for my husband's job and are exceptionally far right now so haven't visited them in over four years.

There's also five kids here, which is why I haven't really said a whole lot about when some family forget some kids. It's a lot to remember I guess. This is the first time everyone forgot the birthday child, so it was very noticeable to not only my son, but also to my younger kids as well who asked why their brother didn't get any cards from family and then wondered if they'd get any. I don't complain about family to my kids so if they ended up sending a card late, he wouldn't even know I asked them to. 

I've reminded them before, but not often and mostly my side of the family. One child not getting any birthday cards has never happened before though. It's not normal for my kids, so they did notice. They don't ever get a phone call, they don't expect a gift, a little money is exciting for them though, but the point is ALL of their grandparents didn't think of them and since it's not normal, it hurt their feelings. I know the grandparents love their grandkids, and to tell them that their grandkids were hurt that no one remembered them on their birthday doesn't seem like a horrible thing to me. We generally talk about what's bothering us in our extended family, although thankfully, that's not usually very much.

I didn't share any of this with my kids, so if he gets a card late because I said something, it would be appreciated just as much. We're a late-card kind of family as it is.

I was more wondering if it's more common now than it used to be to forego sending extended family members birthday cards and if our parents are just following the trend, kind of how less people send Christmas cards now. It seems based on responses addressing that, that it was never the norm for everyone, it just happened to be in my family. 

I think that you may need to put in effort all year to develop and maintain an actual relationship between your children and their grandparents. You can't realistically expect one card a year to be enough for a quality relationship. It's very telling that this child didn't even notice there were no cards. There is very little contact both ways, and if you want it to be more solid you're going have to figure out how to do this.

[teachermom2834]

Birthdays are so hard for me. Growing up my mom might ask what we wanted for dinner and we would always have cake. But that is it. I think we all had one or two childhood birthday parties. My mom never sent cards. It just wasn’t a fuss. 

I am super challenged to acknowledge birthdays at all and I certainly can’t do them to the level of society’s expectations. My own children don’t get gifts from us. They do get a cake or special dessert and a chosen dinner if the scheduling works out. 

It is always someone’s birthday! It never ends. I would be the slacker relatives in this case. It would have zero to do with my feeling for the child. 

My MIL is a big Hallmark card person. We have been married 22 years and I have never sent her a card. It still bothers her. I have to call and thank her for every Hallmark card she sends me. So even my birthday is a burden for me.  

Gifts are not my love language and cards fall even lower than that. I do sometimes send a “thinking of you” card to an adult friend who I think would appreciate the thought and I send condolence cards. Both of those speak of an extra effort and love. Obligatory birthday cards? Nah...and I could never keep up with the expectation.

I know I offered nothing to the conversation here. I just feel so challenged by birthdays and the societal expectations attached to them. I know and love a lot of people and they all have birthdays every stinking year!!! 

[marbel]

Families can be so weird and baffling.  My sister sends me a card every year for my birthday.  But she does not really respond to my efforts to keep in touch. The other day she sent me a text letting me know about a death in extended family.  I noticed that prior to this, the last text had been in August, from me to her, asking how everyone in her family was. She had never responded, nor did she call to chat about our families. But she thinks she is better at keeping in touch with me because she sends a card on my birthday.  

Related but not exactly:  I don't have my birthday listed on facebook, but sometimes my sister will post on my wall about it. So that starts others sending birthday wishes. A cousin with whom I have zero contact (I don't count being friends on facebook as contact) said "why don't you include your birthdate on facebook so we are reminded to send you happy birthday wishes?"  Because I don't really care to have a flood of birthday wishes from people who only think of me because Mr Facebook reminds them to?  LOL.

I realize we are talking about a kid here, not adults, so it is somewhat different. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think that family culture is important and certainly can include things like cards. I also think that coming up with ways to keep in touch is important. And some families attach more significance to birthdays.  But- trying to control other people is not the best way to do it in my opinion. 

What we have done:  emails and phone calls from our end even if it me calling and then putting the kids on for a few minutes. To me, establishing those relationships over time is what is going to make a difference in the long run.  

I teach my kids that their reaching out to elderly grandparents is more important than the grandparents reaching out to them. Have you and your kids been sending cards to the grandparents ?  It makes both sets of  grandparents so happy when my kids talk to them or email or send a card or photo. No, they don’t always reciprocate. My mom has mentioned how incredibly expensive cards are now for her living on a widow’s pension. There are also logistical challenges to getting that card in the mail. As I mentioned up thread, I did put a bug in the one sister’s ear that I know always sends dd a card to include our mom’s signature. I did not ask my other sister who never contacts my kids but yet has a warm relationship with them every four years when we see them. (As an aside, the aunt with a continual relationship with my kids is not limited to cards and she’s the one my kids feel closest to). 

[AFwife Claire]

3 hours ago, teachermom2834 said:

Birthdays are so hard for me. Growing up my mom might ask what we wanted for dinner and we would always have cake. But that is it. I think we all had one or two childhood birthday parties. My mom never sent cards. It just wasn’t a fuss. 

I am super challenged to acknowledge birthdays at all and I certainly can’t do them to the level of society’s expectations. My own children don’t get gifts from us. They do get a cake or special dessert and a chosen dinner if the scheduling works out. 

It is always someone’s birthday! It never ends. I would be the slacker relatives in this case. It would have zero to do with my feeling for the child. 

My MIL is a big Hallmark card person. We have been married 22 years and I have never sent her a card. It still bothers her. I have to call and thank her for every Hallmark card she sends me. So even my birthday is a burden for me.  

Gifts are not my love language and cards fall even lower than that. I do sometimes send a “thinking of you” card to an adult friend who I think would appreciate the thought and I send condolence cards. Both of those speak of an extra effort and love. Obligatory birthday cards? Nah...and I could never keep up with the expectation.

I know I offered nothing to the conversation here. I just feel so challenged by birthdays and the societal expectations attached to them. I know and love a lot of people and they all have birthdays every stinking year!!! 

Are we the same person?!?  I have 10 children, and I am expecting to have a lot of grandkids.  But I feel like I will be such a failure in this area!  Gifts are so not my love language either, and I *rarely* buy cards, except, as you said, if I want to encourage a friend.  I am hoping that I will be able to establish a relationship with my grandkids (and daughter-in-laws--I'm particularly concerned by this) in other ways than by sending cards or the perfect gift.

I have worked to diminish expectations for birthdays and holidays.  You really can't control what a spouse will do, for example, and I don't want to set my kids up for disappointment.  And then you can be pleasantly surprised if there is something more than you were expecting!

[katilac]

On 12/3/2018 at 8:04 AM, wintermom said:

 It's very telling that this child didn't even notice there were no cards.  

 

The OP stated that the child did notice and was disappointed. 

On 12/3/2018 at 6:29 AM, HeighHo said:

We have one gp who does cards for the five gcs, but as the years went by the budget didn't allow for the stamp. I suspect once the ten cent card shop goes out of business,they won't be doing cards.  Phone calls are reserved for their children.  That is similar to their in person life -- gc get hello/goodbye, conversation is reserved for their children.

 

Can't anybody give the gp a book of stamps for Christmas? 

[Shoeless]

15 minutes ago, katilac said:

Can't anybody give the gp a book of stamps for Christmas? 

1

Maybe it's the case that the grandparent *can* afford the stamp, but chooses not to budget for it because it's "only" the grandkids.