Paying for Young Adult Children (college graduates)

[Granny_Weatherwax]

This is a conversation I have found to be more and more common as my children and their friends are moving into adulthood.  The Boomerang generation is creating new pressures for their parents and causing a novel type of financial squeeze. No longer are parents finding themselves with increased disposable income once the final college tuition payment is made. 

 

I'm trying to make a poll about the most common types of expenses the people in my area are discussing:  mortgages, rent, & living expenses.  Student loans are the fourth but I didn't include that in the poll.

[Donna]

Once my YA's graduate college, they are welcome to continue living in our home until they have jobs and can get on their feet. Even now while in school, both ds work and pay their phone bills and car insurance and oldest pays for his books while living at home to go to college (well, one currently in college and the other taking a year to work and decide what he wants to study).

 

We will not pay their mortgages or expenses once they are out on their own. 

 

**Editing to add: They will remain on our health insurance as long as able or until they have a job that provides it and their phones and car insurance are on our plans as well…they simply pay their share of it.  We have also told them when they are ready, we would give them a certain amount of money toward a wedding or a down-payment on a home but not both. 

Edited May 23, 2016 by Donna

[Hyacinth]

My kids are still of the age where I'm legally responsible for their shelter and food, so I'm not sure that my opinion is worth a hoot. I can imagine, though, that I would be willing to help to some extent (meaning, move back into my house for a time) provided there is a workable plan in place and movement toward self-sufficiency. 

 

I will not sign nor co-sign a mortgage (or any loan for that matter).

[Luckymama]

I answered with 23 year old ds in mind. He lives in Silicon Valley, makes an obscene amount of money for someone a year out of school, but also pays an obscene amount in rent.

 

We might conside co-signing a mortgage, but it would depend on the particular situation. If he stays out there, maybe. If he moves back east, most likely not.

 

The only financial support he gets from us is a portion of our shared cell phone plan ($5/month). He has a work phone but does not do anything personal on that phone.

 

We did loan him money for moving expenses and security deposit for the apartment. His expenses were reimbursed by his company. He paid us back for the security deposit within two months.

Edited May 23, 2016 by Luckymama

[Wheres Toto]

I almost put "under the right circumstances" but in reality, I'm more likely to let them move back home than pay expenses somewhere else.  My oldest just graduated today and will be living with my mother when she returns from her summer job, while she looks for a full time position.  I guess if she HAD to take a position that was not in commuting distance of our house or my mother's house or some other family she could stay with, we MIGHT help her out with getting into a place, while she's waiting for her first paychecks. 

[Carol in Cal.]

I would not cosign a mortgage with anyone, ever.

However, I could imagine helping with a down payment, either by loan or by gift.

 

In general we would welcome our DD to live with us after college if necessary, unless drugs were in the picture.  And I'd consider that for mentally stable nieces and nephews trying to get established as well.  It's hard to get the initial stake these days.  We live in an area where real estate prices and rents are pretty high, and where jobs are fairly plentiful, so that just makes good economic sense.

 

But I can't imagine sending out an allowance to someone who has already graduated; still, I'm not in the position yet and have learned over the years that sometimes something like that just makes too much sense not to do, even if I can't imagine it right now.  So I voted 'other' on those questions.

Edited May 23, 2016 by Carol in Cal.

[FaithManor]

We would not buy a house. That said dd had a vety high risk pregnancy on the heels of another major abdominal surgery. She had to give up working as a medic and then our grandson came five weeks early and had some issues. We could not poosibly imagine how they would work out a child care arrangement so she could go back to work nor what the job would do to her body so at present we have chosen to supplement their income so she can be home with him right now.

[FaithManor]

Like Carol, we have no problem with any of our kids living with us after graduation in order to pay off student loans or save up for a home as long as they acted responsibly. Nieces and nephews also welcome.

[eternalsummer]

My kids are way too young for me to think about this yet (plus, *we* don't even have a mortgage as we rent, so I am not sure how ready we'll be to cosign on another mortgage in 10+ years).

 

However, my parents helped when we needed it (I was basically married right out of high school, so I never lived in dorms during college, just apartments).  Sometimes they spotted us part of the rent, if they had it, sometimes we lived with them, sometimes they paid the phone bill or sent a bag of groceries or just sent $200.  It was good.  In return, when we had money, we lent it to them if they needed it (or gave it, in some circumstances).

 

They did always cosign a lease until we were doing well financially, which was welcome. 

 

A mortgage is a bit more of an investment, though.  I dunno.

 

 

[kroe1]

While my son was in medical school, I still paid for everything until he got married. I gave the couple about 3 months of support, too. But, thereafter, his wife took over until he was finished.

[Luckymama]

Adding to my previous post:

 

My grandparents gave my parents gift money for their first house downpayment. My parents gifted (such an awkward verb) us half of our first, not very large, downpayment. I had received money through my grandmother from my childless great-aunt's estate for the other half.

 

Dh and I will give all three of our kids some money toward their downpayments. My parents are now deceased; we do not have to worry so much about our retirement savings because of my inheritance.

 

This is just part of our family culture. Other families have different cultures, needs, and priorities. There is no right nor wrong :)

[dirty ethel rackham]

Looking at this, I know my answers would have been different 5 years ago.  My plan was to allow my college graduates to move back home for a year and live rent-free, provided that they were willing to live respectfully with the other members of the house.  After a year, they could pay me rent if they wanted to live here.  But, I have a college graduate who doesn't have a job (had a temp job but that ended and he didn't get into grad school this year.)  He is not in the best place mentally - the whole rejection process was quite damaging to his confidence.  It is hard to watch a Maximum Cum Laude graduate with excellent GRE scores and lots of research experience think that he is an imposter and that he really didn't deserve to get into grad school and only deserves minimum wage!!!  Anyway, we pay his cell phone because it is cheaper to have him on our plan than for him to have his own plan.  He has use of a car (he had a car, but it was totaled in an accident and he doesn't have the money yet to replace it.) 

 

I had always expected that kids who didn't go to college should work and plan to move out.  But, then again, I didn't expect to have a mentally ill adult child.  It really changes the game.  I often feel like I am held hostage to this kid and tolerate stuff that would never fly with my other kids.  Sometimes I want to move out.  And sometimes I want to kick them out and get a job to pay for their apartment just to keep me sane.  But, then reality hits and I see that isn't a workable plan at the moment.  Frustrating. ETA:  The mentally ill adult I'm talking about is not my recent college graduate (I see him as needing a little help over the hump), but my almost 20yo.  I don't know if this kid will every be healthy enough to be fully independent. 

Edited May 23, 2016 by dirty ethel rackham

[MistyMountain]

I would never consider paying for an adult child who graduated college living expenses or mortgage. We definitely do not have money for that and I want them to learn to live within their means. There is nothing wrong with starting out simply. If they had to live at home that would be fine. There is some money for college saved but I do not plan on helping with living expenses like phone bills and car expenses in college.

Edited May 23, 2016 by MistyMountain

[Crimson Wife]

My parents allowed DH, oldest DD, and I to live with them while DH was in grad school. My mom watched DD 2 days/week so that I only had to pay daycare for the other 3 days.  My mom cooked dinner for all of us except for 1 night per week when she had an evening event & I cooked. We figured out approximately how much it was costing my parents in extra utilities, food, and household supplies and that's what I paid them out of my salary. The goal was to make having us there be a net neutral from a financial standpoint.

 

Later on, my parents helped out a bit towards the down payment of our house. They also bought a late-model used car for my middle brother after he had gotten laid off & decided to drive for Uber while doing some job training to upgrade his skills. My youngest brother I think got some amount towards his law school tuition but I'm not sure of the details.

 

My folks aren't rich but they are comfortable and it isn't a huge burden on them to provide the occasional help. They recognize that my brothers and I are responsible and generally self-sufficient.

[QueenCat]

Mortgage, doubtful...... we paid for most of his move to his first job or he wouldn't have been able to move there & start working. We co-signed the lease on the apt but after the first six months, the landlord took us off since ds had paid on time for six months. Landlord wouldn't give initial lease without a cosigner since he had no previous rentals as he'd lived with us up until then and he was just starting the first full time job, so no real employment history. Those are step-ups, not handouts. Can't imagine not being willing to do that unless truly unable.

[Carol in Cal.]

Forgot to mention--I would pay for health insurance if employer coverage was not available.  That's SO important, and I understand that it's pretty cheap for people in their 20's.

[Kareni]

My daughter graduated from college in 2013 and is now living in South Korea teaching English to adults. 

 

She was home for three months while waiting for her paperwork/visa.  During that time, we provided food; however, she did cook two nights a week and help with household tasks when requested.  She used her own previously earned monies (from prior years in South Korea) to pay for other expenses such as bus passes, movies, visa application fees, etc.

 

It's unlikely we would co-sign for a mortgage due to our own finances.  If she needs a place to stay between different jobs, we will happily provide that.

 

Regards,

Kareni

[SKL]

I answered the poll (will not), but my kids are only 9yo so I might end up eating my words.

 

But I should clarify.  If my kids want to keep living in my house, which is paid off and has enough room for them, they can do so.  I have already told them they are welcome, as long as they are not impossible to live with.  :)  I live in a place that is convenient driving distance to two big cities and more than a dozen respectable colleges.  So I don't see the point of paying for my kids to live somewhere else after they have a college degree.

 

Some people might say that letting them live in my house is the same thing, so maybe that makes my votes misleading.

[Spryte]

We don't currently pay living expenses for our son who has graduated, but he had a lot of help the first year after his college grad, while working a low paying internship fairly far away. I don't foresee co-signing on a mortgage with any kids, but would happily contribute to a downpayment. As for rent and living expenses - there's always the option of moving home.

 

ETA: I would also help on an as needed basis, happily. I think it just depends on the situation. As long as we can help, and it seems truly helpful, then we would. If it's enabling poor choices, maybe not. Case by case.

Edited May 23, 2016 by Spryte

[Guest]

I don't plan to do any of these things, but under certain circumstances, I would help as best I am able. One never knows what curveballs might arrive; FaithManor's situation is a good example. I would not subsidize a child making foolish decisions that led them to homelessness/hunger, but I can imagine MANY scenarios where it is reasonable to assist as we are able.

 

Ideally, though, I expect them to launch within a year of earning a degree/training/skills for occupation.

[LucyStoner]

I am across the board "I might under the right cirumstances."

 

Life is so variable. There are worthy professions that require long post graduate work or very low pay for the first few years out of college. There are internship opportunities that might open doors for bigger and better things later. There are health and developmental concerns that could come up. Becoming parents young might prompt me to help so that one or both of the parents can realistically finish graduate degrees or live in a safe place until their income increases with experience.

 

I come from a family helps family background so I can see lots of instances where I might help. I can also see scenarios where I might not help either because we couldn't or because it wouldn't be helping the adult child to do so.

[The Girls' Mom]

Not quite there yet, but our adult children are welcome to live here as long as they need to, with the expectation that they will contribute to the household in some way.  It is a hard world to get started in these days.  I don't foresee paying for a mortgage/rent for them, or other large expenses.  We would be wiling to help out where we could if it were an emergency, or truly a need.  

 

My oldest still lives at home while going to college, and has no plans to move out any time soon.  (although she may change her mind once her boyfriend graduates CC this fall and moves away to attend another college).  We do require her to pay for her own gas, clothes, and incidentals.  

 

 

[Garga]

Even if we wanted to, I'm not sure we'd have the money to help. Not to the degree of paying mortgages or rent. My parents don't have a lot of money, so they give us $25 for birthday and Christmas presents and that's about it. Sometimes Christmas is more than $25.

 

My in-laws have more money and they will help us buy pricey items from time to time. They paid for a couch for us. They give a hundred toward homeschool supplies from time to time. If we go out to eat, they always insist on picking up the tab. When the kids need braces, they will donate $300 or so. They give us $500 for Christmas each year. We use that $500 to buy everyone else's presents. :) We keep about $50 for ourselves and the rest goes to paying for Christmas. Throughout the 23 years of marriage, they've probably given us a couple of hundred every other year (not counting Christmas) for some sort of pricey item. I can see use being able to pull that off, but I don't see us being able to pay for monthly bills on top of our own.

 

Even if I get a job, I don't have a degree in anything, so I'll be making minimum wage, unless we put our money toward my college education. And if we do that, I won't have any money to give to my kids.

 

I will offer what everyone else offers: free rent at my home so they can save up in order to eventually move out on their own one day. Hopefully they'll continue being the kind and reasonable people they are now and we can live together in peace for a time after they're done college. I plan on giving them my favorite room that has a separate bathroom and separate door to the outside and is the size of a NYC apartment. They'd only need to come out to use the kitchen. I think that would give us all a good amount of privacy so that it would work well for us.

 

And I hope I can help them out like my in-laws do from time to time with buying items like couches or dishwashers, etc.

Edited May 23, 2016 by Garga

[LMD]

I answered based on our family culture and what my parents/in-laws did for us.

 

I would probably be garantuer for a home loan, I would probably let them live at home paying minimum rent to allow savings for a loan. I would possibly buy a home and later sell it to the child for a good price. All of these have happened within our immediate family.

 

I would likely not be responsible for ongoing support/bills for a child living out of home. I would want to hold strong boundaries. I would likely gift money or groceries regularly, just as a kindness (we couldn't get away with visiting dh's grandparents without them stuffing notes in our pockets...)

 

We have a decent amount of land and our kids are always welcome to come back. Being able to offer them a safe place to fall was very important to us.

[Jenny in Florida]

We don't have enough disposable income to make things like paying/co-signing a mortgage even a realistic possibility. Even if we did, I don't think we would actually plan to do so, although we would (if we could afford to do so) help out in an emergency.

 

We didn't really make a plan for how we would handle the post-college years. However, it just kind of worked out that our daughter moved home for a couple of years after graduating. She was very young, still, and we told her that, since we would have been prepared to support her until she finished her degree if she had gone to school at a more traditional age, we were happy to have her stay at home for a couple of years as long as she was actively working toward something meaningful. As it worked out, she lived with us for just about two years, working and saving so that, by the time she was ready to move out, she had a nice nest egg to get her started.

 

It seemed like a good compromise between enabling potential "failure to launch" and "Congratulations! Now, get out."

 

We've offered the same basic deal to our son, letting him know that he's welcome back home for a reasonable period (no more than one or two years) after graduation as long as he's using that time to save/plan/prepare for a definable next step.

 

So, yes, we kind-of-sort-of pay some living expenses for college grads, but under very specific, limited circumstances.

[SKL]

Interesting to see how people answer this based on what their parents did.

 

I have had the opposite situation with my parents - while they did let me keep my bedroom until my 2nd year of law school, they weren't in a financial situation to pay for any significant living expenses out of pocket.  Once I started earning enough money to more than cover my monthly bills, I started helping my parents.  Last time I counted, I had given my parents as much money as I now have in my kids' combined education fund.  :P  I've also helped my siblings a lot. 

 

Sometimes I think ahead and kind of hope my kids are willing and able to help me in my declining years, since I will probably spend all my savings on their education.  Maybe that sounds awful.  I guess if I'd had parents who didn't need help from me, I'd be rolling in dough and feel very secure about my future.  :)

[maize]

A healthy, capable young adult I would expect to manage all of these things on their own. If I could afford to help with a down payment for a house I would, but that seems unlikely given our finances and number of children. 

 

Exceptional circumstances might require additional help and I would provide what I could; a child with health challenges or a disability, for example, may not be able to shoulder everything themselves.

Edited May 23, 2016 by maize

[J-rap]

My answers are mostly no, but we'd be available to help (not completely support) under certain specific circumstances.  For example, our dd and her dh moved to the USA a few months ago (her dh immigrated) and hadn't had a chance to build up a record here for anything.  (My dd was going to school in another country, and her dh worked there.)  They both got good jobs here almost immediately, but still no credit background or rental background in the USA.  So, we offered to co-sign on their apartment rental and car loan if that helped, knowing that we could trust them to be 100% responsible.  (They eventually were able to do it all on their own so didn't need our help.)

 

We may consider co-signing (and help pay rent) on an apartment for another dd, because it's in a city we visit very often and would be nice to have an apartment to stay in when we visit.

 

Also, our adult children know they are welcome to move home anytime they need to.  We always love having them around, and I think they have all moved back for short periods (1-4 months) between major moves and changes.  But, they are always very helpful too, and it's just fun to have them around.  If they were lazy and had no plans, we would probably have to change that!

 

ETA:  I earlier said mostly no, but we also know that life is hard sometimes and you just never know.  We would always be willing to step in and help our kids financially if we felt it was really necessary and we had the means.

Edited May 23, 2016 by J-rap

[Arcadia]

My parents and in-laws make a cash gift towards our downpayment. We would do the same for our kids, the amount being whatever we could financially afford to gift.

 

My kids know they can stay rent free while they build up their savings during and after college but I don't think we would be financially able to help with rent as we would need to build our retirement savings at that point as we would be in our late 50s. We are hoping to be able to foot their cost for college when the time comes so that they have no student debt.

[ThisIsTheDay]

Interesting to see how people answer this based on what their parents did.

 

 

I asked my dad to loan us money for a down payment when my then-fiance and I bought our first house 25 years ago. He could afford it but declined.  I wasn't too surprised, and I ended up taking a loan out on my 401(k) and repaying it.

 

Even at the time, I appreciated that my dad wanted me to be resourceful on my own. If I couldn't somehow make it work financially, then maybe I needed to make more changes or try harder--just like he did when he was in his early 20s just out of the Air Force, or as a young married father, getting by with one car with no one to help bail him out.

 

What he did do was often slip me cash when I'd visit a few times a year. We were in different states, and he knew just how much I'd appreciate the $100-$200 he'd offer up. He's also pretty generous with birthday presents.

 

I expect I'll do the same for my now-college aged kids. I don't ever want them to think they need to be financially dependent on parents. I don't expect life to be that hard out there on them where they can't figure out a solution.  (Caveat: I'm talking about usual things in general, not job loss, serious illness, or other major events.)

[JFSinIL]

Rents here are just too high (Illinois has the highest property taxes in the nation, lucky us, and landlords pass it on to the tenants). We had to co-sign for oldest dd to get an apartment, and ended up having to gift her $300 a month to make ends meet. Once we had our settlement (from car crash) we were able to help her get into a house with enough bedrooms to have roommates to share expenses. We wanted to buy a place and rent it to her and her friends, but ended up giving her a mortgage from the "bank of Mom and Dad" instead. Still comes out cheaper for them than paying rent, and they have more space.  Oh, and we are charging interest (the smallest amount we can before the IRS would look on the mortgage as a "gift" - it is certainly not a gift!)   Had to invest some of the settlement money somewhere, and the interest on a mortgage is higher than anything we'd get from a CD etc.  She and her three roomies have to pay us $1,100 (in total, not per person!!!) each month to cover mortgage and property taxes.  This is two hundred less than just dd and her boyfriend were paying for a dark basement hovel, er, apartment before. 

 

Helping her like this has happened instead of paying any EFC for college, as she has no interest in a four-year degree.  She did do some classes at the local cc, but after getting hurt and having to drop out, then later just blowing off classes, we decided to NOT invest any more $ in her that way. She has paid for and completed, on her own, classes towards a certificate in pastry making.  Seems when she has to pay, and is taking what she is interested in, she does finish classes and get good grades.  Stinker ;-)  

She would rather work five and a half days a week (and those five full days are 6am to 4:30pm to get overtime) than do any college full-time.  So we help her get into better living situation.  Her siblings get college tuition help.  Her older brother with autism gets a special needs trust.  Just trying to be fair all around.

Edited May 23, 2016 by JFSinIL

[gypsymama]

We will not be co-signing for any loans, paying rent/mortgage or paying living expenses for the kids at any age. We will always allow the children to live with us though as long as they are responsible, decent roommates. I helped raise my siblings and while my brother is married with his own family now, my sister still lives at home with me. She spends most of her time in the main house with us but we have a camper set up as a small private quarters for her. She pays for her own bills although her phone is on my plan to save money. She also gives an amount each month to help cover groceries and utilities. This saves her a lot of money and helps us a small amount as well. We like having family around so it works well for everyone. I would be more than happy to do the same with my kids as long as they want. I would be willing to help with other situations on a case by case basis. 

 

Considering my mother kicked me out as soon as I started college at 17, I won't be following family traditions.  :glare: Good news about having bad familial relations is that we won't have parents + kids to deal with if we help our adult children. I know that is a factor for a lot of people trying to help adult children as well as elderly parents. We are not fortunate enough to have decent parents but on the upside there will be no elderly parents to care for so we only have our children to worry about. 

[ondreeuh]

I would have said no, but not every adult child uses time living with mom and dad to prepare to live on their own. Sometimes they have to actually LIVE alone to learn how to be resourceful and independent. I'm considering subsidizing an apartment for my kid and helping with a car to push her forward. Never thought I would do that!

[Audrey]

This is a conversation I have found to be more and more common as my children and their friends are moving into adulthood.  The Boomerang generation is creating new pressures for their parents and causing a novel type of financial squeeze. No longer are parents finding themselves with increased disposable income once the final college tuition payment is made. 

 

I'm trying to make a poll about the most common types of expenses the people in my area are discussing:  mortgages, rent, & living expenses.  Student loans are the fourth but I didn't include that in the poll.

 

 

Things happen in life.  If my kid needed help, I would do what I could, if I felt it was appropriate.  I think most parents would do that.  IMO, it isn't obligatory, but if a parent can help and they want to help, then it really isn't anyone else's place to comment on that decision.

[Tap]

I don't really know how to answer.

 

Ds21 lives at home, and we pay all of his household expenses, insurance, cell phones etc.  We bought a 3rd family car when he was a teen and over time, he bought it from us. The car is his now, but we pay for all maintenance. He works full time and keeps less than $50 week out as spending money.  The rest of his income is paying off his student loans.  He is also a full time college student (masters program), but even if he wasn't, as long as the overwhelming bulk of his wages were going towards his loans, I would allow him to live here, expense free.   He does all of the kitchen cleanup chores, sweeps and mops all the hard wood a couple times per week.  He babysits his sister often and is always generous with anything we ask.  (I am typing on his extra laptop right now).  He is very, very appreciative of all we do for him, since he sees what a hard time his friends have it financially, trying to pay for college and make a living. 

 

 

We don't pay for our kids college tuition, but we will support them to make sure they get through school and start life without huge debts if we can help it.  When dd17 goes to college, she knows to look close to home first and if the program is offered here and a solid program, then we would expect to her to stay here to save on living expenses.  If she moves away we may not pay her expenses. We live in a city with many colleges within driving distance. It is one of the reasons we moved to this city. 

Edited May 23, 2016 by Tap

[hornblower]

I live in one of the most expensive cities in the world.

 

We expect to have our kids live with us as long as possible and to need help with housing costs if they stay in the area. Honestly I think it's financially foolish in our area to not co-house with family as much as possible...

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Edited May 23, 2016 by hornblower

[Tsuga]

My kids are not this age. But I am, apparently.

 

I paid for everything--car, moves, housing, college degrees--100% myself. After being on this board and examining options elsewhere, I realized that a huge part of wealth (and this has been backed up by studies in recent years) that my peers supposedly earned was in very large part given to them by parents, generally by way of cars, phones, and down payments.

 

Some of the most repeated advice on here was to ensure your kid had what they needed to get and keep a good job in a great social circle to attract a great spouse who knew they were marrying into a good family.

 

When my mother later offered to help with a down payment (I'm under 40 but have a career under my belt) by way of a gift that would be 'repaid' by helping with her retirement--I would have said no in past years but I said yes.

 

It enabled us to buy when others were still saving. I'm convinced she has basically allowed us to secure her grandkids' college educations.

 

My thinking has done a 180 on this.

 

I now believe that the best way to secure happiness and safety for my family is through shared housing responsibilities, from cradle to grave, and while I will demand some skin in the game (rent for a college student at below market prices, earnest money with the down payment, whatever) I am now completely determined to make sure that our family all has someplace to live. I'm going to give back to my mom and my kids.

 

I used to be thinking this would be a "no way, do it yourself!" But since I have not seen a single person I have ever met, including doctors, lawyers, and executives, do it 100% themselves, not even ONE person without ANY inheritance or help with college or mortgage (at least one of those two) I have changed my thinking.

 

If I meet anyone who did it 100% on their own, I will let you all know. I used to wonder how the hell this was all working. Now I get it.

[Tsuga]

Margaret, I am so sorry for your DD's loss. I might have already said it--so many people on here. But I forgot.  :grouphug:

[Anne]

It always Depends....on our finances, on the kid's situation, health, behavior & attitude. There's always the ideal, and then there's reality.

 

One thing we did was keep them on our health insurance policies until they definitely had good health insurance of their own. I figured that that was as much self protective for ME as it was a benefit for them. If anything terrible had happened to them, I would have beggared myself to see that they got good medical care if they didn't have it.

 

Also, I kept them our family cell phone plan until they could afford their own, because I wanted them to be able to phone home…

 

Anne

[Anne]

It always Depends....on our finances, on the kid's situation, health, behavior & attitude. There's always the ideal, and then there's reality.

 

One thing we did was keep them on our health insurance policies until they definitely had good health insurance of their own. I figured that that was as much self protective for ME as it was a benefit for them. If anything terrible had happened to them, I would have beggared myself to see that they got good medical care if they didn't have it.

 

Also, I kept them our family cell phone plan until they could afford their own, because I wanted them to be able to phone home…

 

Anne

[eternalsummer]

My kids are not this age. But I am, apparently.

 

I paid for everything--car, moves, housing, college degrees--100% myself. After being on this board and examining options elsewhere, I realized that a huge part of wealth (and this has been backed up by studies in recent years) that my peers supposedly earned was in very large part given to them by parents, generally by way of cars, phones, and down payments.

 

Some of the most repeated advice on here was to ensure your kid had what they needed to get and keep a good job in a great social circle to attract a great spouse who knew they were marrying into a good family.

 

When my mother later offered to help with a down payment (I'm under 40 but have a career under my belt) by way of a gift that would be 'repaid' by helping with her retirement--I would have said no in past years but I said yes.

 

It enabled us to buy when others were still saving. I'm convinced she has basically allowed us to secure her grandkids' college educations.

 

My thinking has done a 180 on this.

 

I now believe that the best way to secure happiness and safety for my family is through shared housing responsibilities, from cradle to grave, and while I will demand some skin in the game (rent for a college student at below market prices, earnest money with the down payment, whatever) I am now completely determined to make sure that our family all has someplace to live. I'm going to give back to my mom and my kids.

 

I used to be thinking this would be a "no way, do it yourself!" But since I have not seen a single person I have ever met, including doctors, lawyers, and executives, do it 100% themselves, not even ONE person without ANY inheritance or help with college or mortgage (at least one of those two) I have changed my thinking.

 

If I meet anyone who did it 100% on their own, I will let you all know. I used to wonder how the hell this was all working. Now I get it.

 

I went to college for free, have had and will have no inheritance, and don't have a mortgage (we rent).  We are just fine.

 

However, as I wrote earlier, my parents definitely did what they could.  Mostly what they had to offer was an unfinished basement room and free food during hard times, and the occasional couple hundred (or $50) to make ends meet.  We returned the favor pretty often, and my mom is living in our (finished) basement now :)

 

I agree that larger family groups have more cushion and work better.  With just me and DH and kids, we only have 2 potential earners (and one of those is almost always pregnant or has a nursing baby, hah).  With me and DH and my mother, the number of useful adults is increased by 50% - huge!   When my dad was alive we had two households most of the time (mom and dad in their house, DH and I in various places) but still helped each other out when one household or the other had a lean time.

[Catalytic]

We would not buy a house. That said dd had a vety high risk pregnancy on the heels of another major abdominal surgery. She had to give up working as a medic and then our grandson came five weeks early and had some issues. We could not poosibly imagine how they would work out a child care arrangement so she could go back to work nor what the job would do to her body so at present we have chosen to supplement their income so she can be home with him right now.

 

In a situation like this, we would absolutely help.  For an everyday thing?  No, not a chance.

[Laura Corin]

I answered 'other' to each.  If the YA was healthy, I might provide a downpayment for the mortgage, but would not co-sign. 

 

If the YA was not well, I would help with rent or other expenses if it would help them towards health and independence.  For a healthy YA, I might cover a month or two of expenses to get them through a difficult patch.

[DawnM]

I honestly don't know.  My kids aren't there yet, but they know they are welcome to live with us indefinitely, provided they follow our rules, but they have never given us reason to think they wouldn't.  I think our rules are pretty reasonable.

 

I have a special needs son.  He may need some additional help, even if he wants to live on his own.  We have talked about an apt. above the garage someday, or a tiny home, etc...but possibly even a condo or townhouse nearby that we could assist with once he has a decent job.   We have 2.5 acres, so a Granny pod or small home would be doable to add to our property.

 

As for the other two, honestly, they are pretty capable of taking care of themselves some day and want to do that.

 

We are encouraging a couple of things that might allow us to help with a downpayment:

 

1. lower cost college

2. lower cost wedding 

 

We talk to them about the outrageous debt people go into in college and the outrageous amounts people pay to have a wedding.  Both are a means to an end and not the end itself, which should be the greater focus.  

 

So, in truthful answer, we don't know.

[Carrie12345]

Way too many variables to count.

 

Watching our parents' experience with grown (not just young) adults has shown me how easy it can be to create an unhealthy, co-dependent situation.  Of course nothing HAS to wind up that way, but I'm sure it will be a primary concern as my kids get older and we actually face our options and their realities.

 

Assuming we have the means, I'm always going to want to help my kids.  In the meantime, my goal is to teach them good decision making skills so that, hopefully, they won't NEED any help, and whatever we do help with is just icing on their purdy little cakes.  ;)

 

Health insurance is a whole separate ball of wax, also subject to circumstances.

[Pawz4me]

Assuming one has the financial means, I think it's foolish to rule out the possibility of ever helping your children with any of the things listed.  Because no one knows what situations we might find ourselves in.  There are economic issues that none of us can control, as well as the potential for accidents or physical/mental health issues to pop up.

 

My family culture is that families help each other and there is no arbitrary age at which that stops.  I've personally seen a little bit of help ("little" being relative to ones financial situation) go a very long way toward ensuring financial stability.  My parents gave me a good sized chunk of change as a down payment on my first home when I was 22.  Being able to buy a house that young and already have a good amount of equity in it really helped set me (and eventually DH) on the road to financial stability.  As my parents have now passed on and we have inherited from them, there's no way I could say that I'd never help the boys no matter the circumstances.  As the saying goes -- Grandma and Grandpa would be rolling over in their graves!

Edited May 23, 2016 by Pawz4me

[Sarah CB]

I would not cosign a mortgage with anyone, ever.

However, I could imagine helping with a down payment, either by loan or by gift.

 

In general we would welcome our DD to live with us after college if necessary, unless drugs were in the picture.  And I'd consider that for mentally stable nieces and nephews trying to get established as well.  It's hard to get the initial stake these days.  We live in an area where real estate prices and rents are pretty high, and where jobs are fairly plentiful, so that just makes good economic sense.

 

But I can't imagine sending out an allowance to someone who has already graduated; still, I'm not in the position yet and have learned over the years that sometimes something like that just makes too much sense not to do, even if I can't imagine it right now.  So I voted 'other' on those questions.

 

This is how we feel, too.  We hope to give our children each a down payment for a house at some point. 

 

As for living expenses, once they leave the house they are on their own.  Dd (20) who is still in university, is experiencing that right now. She could live at home while doing her degree, but she chooses not to so all of her living expenses are her own responsibility. Well, maybe not all - we did buy her a car this year and we paid for one year of insurance.  She takes care of rent/groceries/utilities/personal spending. She has a small trust fund that pays for her tuition and books.

 

I am encouraging the kids to live with us while they go to school. I don't even mind the idea of someone living with us after they've graduated, if they're trying to get on their feet or working hard to save for a house, but there's no way I'm paying for anyone's general living expenses once they move out - college graduate or not.

[LisaKinVA]

Regarding the mortgage, we wouldn't co-sign.  If we can, we might help with down-payment through a gift. 

 

Paying rent, not on a long-term basis, no.  I would hope my children wouldn't take a job somewhere if they couldn't afford to live in an area (roommate, rent a room, live with friends/family).  That's just nuts.  I could see helping out on a short term basis (loss of job, for example, but there would be a limit).

 

Living expenses?  If they were living with me, yeah, we'd cover utilities, food (nothing out of the ordinary than what we'd be eating), etc.  But, kiddo had better be working, actively looking, or combination thereof.  Not playing video games all day!  Not living with me?  Not on a long-term basis, but maybe in a pinch (loss of job).

 

I have no idea what my oldest is thinking about.  I know Pony Girl is currently planning to live at home after she graduates and work locally (unless she' gets married -- at which point she and her dh would still be welcome to live with us for a time).

[Night Elf]

Oldest dd is out on her own. Before she left our home, DH cosigned a car loan with her. We do not give her money on a regular basis now that she's out but she has borrowed money from us a couple of times. She's always paid us back even though I told her she didn't need to do so. I expect to help her again in July when she has to move again. Moving can get expensive and she hasn't been able to save as much money as she had hoped to.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

 

 

 

As an adult child needing a great ton of help currently. Yes I would help my kids to get them on the best footing possible. We were never fully on solid ground (we were trying) and life happened.

 

Circumstances may change what kind of help I can provide, but yes I'll help significantly if needed. I know what it's like to struggle to pay for anything necessary and to be looking at possible homelessness.

 

So yes.