Do your husbands have a best friend outside your marriage?

[mom31257]

I am curious how many husbands have a true best friend outside of your marriage. Dh is struggling with the fact that he doesn't have one. He really doesn't have the same interests as many men in our area, and I am assuming men develop relationships through doing things together. Maybe it can be different than that, though. 

 

Thanks for any input!

 

 

[Bluegoat]

This is a funny question.  My husband had a few close friends before our marriage.  I think he would still consider them all friends, but one he hasn't seen in years - she moved quite a lot for a while then married herself - one he sees about once a year or so - and one moved but they still meet up ocassionaly and talk on the phone.

 

He has one friend who he met through me who he sees quite a lot of - we live close by, and then a few male friends from church he sees from time to time.  he has one or two friends from work though they mostly hang out at work related things.  I'm not sure he'd describe any of them as best friends, but they are people he hangs out with.

 

I agree that a lot of male friendship is activity driven.  For my dh it tends to be hunting or fishing, or he will go watch racing with one friend.

 

But I think this is a really common problem for adults in general.  It's hard to find people and have time to build a deeper relationship with them.  Where to meet them?  Where to spend time regularly?

[UCF612]

Mine doesn't, he would like to but hasn't found anyone in our area he clicks with to that extent. He has friends but they aren't local to us so he only sees them once or twice a year. There are a few local men he gets along with but mainly because I'm friends with the wife and our kids get along. None of them would he just make plans to hang out with.

Edited April 4, 2016 by UCF612

[Prairie~Phlox]

He has several friends that he does stuff with every now and then, some are single, so it's not like we all hang out often.  We are very close to our neighbors and do things with them regularly, but if you asked dh, he would say that I am his best friend, I have several friends that I would say they are my best "girl" friends. 

[marbel]

Sorry to have to use "other" but nothing else quite fit!

 

My husband used to have a best friend; he'd probably say this guy is still his best friend, but they keep in touch very sporadically and haven't seen each other in years.

 

He has several men he would call friends but I don't think they are close friends. They are mostly work related so, if they go out for a beer after work it's usually to talk about work stuff.  He doesn't have anyone he just socializes with unless I invite people over.  

 

My husband is not super relational.  He doesn't do sports.  So, it's hard for him to maintain friendships not related to work or church.

[RebeccaS]

Mine has no one here.  His best friend is a state away.  He and his wife get along marvelously with dh and I.  We vacationed together last year and had such a blast.  We visit each other several times a year.  But, day to day, nope.  Nobody.  We talk about moving to be closer again (we used to be in the same city), but so far it hasn't happened.  

[mom2att]

MIne doesn't, and thinks it weird that guys need best friends, or friends at all for that matter. We have people we are friends with as  couples, but even then he would consider the guy of the other party more of a close acquaintance than a friend. He scoffs at men's retreats and things where guys get together for community. He thinks those kind of things are okay for women, but has absolutely 0 interest as a guy thing. He wouldn't be opposed to a dad and kid thing, as an activity to bring families together, but doesn't get men-only relationships and activities.

 

He's weird like that.

 

ETA: He's also a complete introvert. That likely explains a large part of it.

Edited April 4, 2016 by mom2att

[wendy not in HI]

My husband is in the military and has friends from work.  When he's at home he doesn't do much with his friends - he is a sort of homebody, he doesn't do sports, he doesn't drink, he doesn't enjoy helping friends move or anything like that, etc.  But he recently spent a few months away for training and he had so much fun hanging out with his buddies.  He went hunting, went out to eat, even went shopping with his the guys.  Every week he was out doing something fun - it was actually really interesting to hear about.

 

He does enjoy hunting with his friends when we live in an area where that is convenient.

 

I don't think he has a best friend.  

[Lady Florida.]

Mine doesn't but it doesn't bother him. He likes and gets along with the husbands of some of my friends (all homeschool dads) but he doesn't hang out with them outside of couple activities we all do together. 

[Soror]

Best friend, no, friends- yes. Generally guys he works with or knows from Scouts. He used to do monthly poker at a friends house, not so much for the poker but for the talk time. These days it is weekly D&D night with some friends. He takes ds too (and recently dd as well) . He also enjoys doing things on his own like kayaking. He seems to be content as it is.

[purplejackmama]

Mine has a few.

 

He has his "text wife" that he chats with every morning via texts. I think it's his highlight for getting up. Kidding sort of.

 

He has his "shared hobby" friend and they spend an insane amount of time and money discussing said shared hobby.

 

Then there is his "this guy has seen me through a bunch of crap" friend that he touches base with weekly. He has 2 of these.

 

He's also really close with his dad. :)

Edited April 4, 2016 by purplejackmama

[NoseInABook]

He has a couple of friends who used to be closer than they are now yet he still sees about once a month.

[myfunnybunch]

Other. Mine did, but he passed away several years ago. Dh grew up without a father, and this man took him under his wing. Once dh reached adulthood, a genuine friendship formed. They spent quite a bit of time together.

[BigMamaBird]

I voted no, I'm his best friend.  And he is mine, although there are days I just want to shake him!  

[Jean in Newcastle]

Yes.  Dh has a number of close friends and two of them are in the "best" category.  He doesn't do things with them.  Or I should say, he doesn't do anything outside of talking to them.  Sometimes over the phone and sometimes they go out to a restaurant.  When our kids were little, they would say "Dad is out on a date with ________".  Some of his close friends don't even live in our state. 

[SproutMamaK]

My husband has a few other men that he's close to, two in particular. I don't know if he would call them his "best friends" because I don't think it would ever occur to him to try to label relationships in that way, but they're comfortable talking about anything and everything and get together just to chat and hang out at least once a week, so... I guess so?

[Annie Elle]

My dh is very social and male friendship is important to him. He has several friends that's he gets together with on a regular basis over coffee (or beer) to discuss the deep things in life: philosophy, theology, politics, music, etc. These friendships fulfill something that I can't give him. To be honest, I'm not that deep and more of an introvert. I've only got so many words I can hear in a day. He's an extrovert. I'm not if he would describe these friendships as "best friends" though, maybe good friends.

[PrincessMommy]

my dh have several friends.  I'm not sure I'd completely describe it as "close" but that's the option I chose to vote.   He does not have any one person who is his best friend.  There was definitely a time when he was closer to his friends, but life and raising a family (plus moves by some friends) make it hard to keep that same closeness.

 

 

[JustEm]

I put other because 2 applied. I am dh's best friend but he also has multiple close friends none of which he'd consider a best friend. He used to but that person did something dh can't get passed, he abandoned his child, and dh has chose to no longer associate with him.

[J-rap]

My dh says he never had a best friend, besides me.  I mean, he had lots of good friends in high school and while growing up, and several good ones from college and graduate school that he shared some interests with.  But I'd say there isn't one person who connects with every segment of his life.  He has his intellectual friends from grad school days (who live in different parts of the country and world now), his "couples" friends who we do stuff with because we all 4 get along quite well, his faith-based friends from various past experiences, a great boyhood friend who he shares a lot of ideologies with and ironically lives in the same small town as we do now and our children even went to prom together :), his business friends, etc.  But they all connect with only segments.  That's fine with him.  He only gets together with them all occasionally and has never desired more than that.  The one in our town he gets together with more but it's not to just hang out, unless it's hanging out as families.  The two of them might get together to work on common community projects, etc.  As far as best friends though, I am his very best friend and our kids come next.

 

Interestingly, we recently met up with an adult mentor of his from childhood but who has been just a very good friend for many years.  He is about 25 years older, and probably matches up with the most "segments" of his life out of all of his friends.  He is a Christian brother, a real academic, and has done a lot of amazing things in his life -- helping the poor and needy.  He lives across the country so they get together only once or twice/year.  (Sometimes I'll join them.)  What struck me as interesting was still how little, personally, my dh knew about him.  I'd ask my dh questions about him, and he wouldn't know.  That's so different from my long-term friendships.  We always end up sharing quite personal thoughts and know each other very well, all around, whereas even in this friendship of my dh's they only share certain parts of their lives.

[Wheres Toto]

Dh has a best friend but it's someone he grew up with and they don't see each other often since we live in different parts of the country.  They talk on the phone and text but see each other live maybe once or twice a year.

 

He has other friends that are more local.  He plays darts and horseshoes at our lake and is friends with the other guys on the team.  Some are closer friends then others but I don't think any of them are "best" friends.

[strange_girl]

Yes, DH has a best friend, male. They started going to 2nd grade together and have been friends ever since.

 

DH is also an extrovert, so I think that's part of it. He just likes having friends.

[bettyandbob]

Dh is introverted. I would call the man who served as best man at our wedding 25 years ago "best friend" for him. This some he's known since age 11 (47 years). However, dh only sees him a couple times a year.

[Seeking Squirrels]

I said other. Technically, yes. I know who he would name as his best friend and they've been best friends since high school (maybe even jr). BUT, they never do anything or hang out. Last year they did a bowling league together for a season so he saw him once a week for that. Besides that, for several years now we've seen them only at our kids' birthday parties and the very occasional time another friend is back in state and gets everyone together. 

[Guest]

I think he'd be reticent to use the phrase "best friend" (might be projecting lol) but yes certainly dh maintains friendships with people other than me.

 

As do i. Lonliness is nothing to shake a stick at.

[Ravin]

DH has a best friend. They've been friends since long before DH and I met. He's about 10 years older than DH and a confirmed bachelor; they have certain predictable traditions together (such as sitting in his best friend's driveway passing out candy at Halloween, and going out to birthday dinner together, sometimes including other friends with birthdays around the same time--their birthdays are just a few weeks apart). They first met through work, decades ago. There have been years where they didn't see much of each other, and other years when they hang out quite regularly.

[Tap]

Yes, he has 3 best friends.  I think it would be hard for him to put them in any kind of preference order, they are all very close to him.  He has known all 3 since he was a teenager.

 

One lives in town, and he sees him 4 or 5 times per month at least.  He lives on a sail boat and dh and he go sailing quite a bit during the year, and for at least a week long trip most summers.  They work on cars together and just hang out.

 

One lives a few hours away and they talk on the phone at least 5 times a week or so, if not more often.  Dh helped him build a house, and dh has worked for him several times over the years doing side jobs (friend is a contractor). 

 

One lives a 10 hours away.  He and dh have the most similar personalities.  The enjoy wine and having fun together (vacations, spending time at the lake, etc). They don't talk as often as the others, maybe 2-3 times per month, but when they do talk, it is for 1-2 hours at a time.  He is getting married this year and dh will be the best man. Dh takes a weeks vacation to spend time with him as well. 

 

 

Honestly, I am the one who gets lonely.  I don't have friends like this, and he spends so much time with them, that I am the one who gets left out.

Edited April 4, 2016 by Tap

[Guest]

We both have our own same sex friends from both before we were married and now best friend couples we are super close with. My husband cannot satisfy every need of friendship I have and vice versa, some of that only seems to come from a best guy friend and a best girl friend. But the truth of the matter is that while hose friends fill a real and abiding need in our lives and are a joy, we are not in the same universe of closeness or emotional intimacy as spouses. They're two different types of relationships and in many ways my husband *is* my best friend. He is the one I want to tell about my day. Hang out with. Share my concerns and dreams. No friendship has been as deep since he became my best friend and then husband.

 

So my answer is a little of both - we maintain outside friendships and they're great, but if we never had anyone else but one another we would do just fine. There are still some things I'd never mention to him and vice versa - some things require a best friend of the same sex - but while we could be happy without those friends I'm glad we have them :)

[rocassie]

Mine does have a best friend (known him since freshman in high school) and is fairly close to two of his brothers.  However none of them live close to us.  DH sees them about once, maybe twice a year.  Occasionally they will play online games together.  He does not have a lot in common with other men.  In fact, he generally gets along with women better.  He enjoys talking about food and family, and that is not something most men he knows like to converse about.  It's either sports or work which DH has no desire to talk about.

[HS Mom in NC]

My husband has had 2 different best friends over the 23 years we've been married.  Both were colleagues he met through work. My husband is an extreme introvert. 

Current best friend has been subcontracting with my husband for about 6 months now.  Before best friend worked for my husband he worked for the company my husband used to work for.  Husband started his own business about 3 years ago, but even then my husband worked from home most of the time.  He and best friend got together every month of two for drinks.  Now they talk to each other every day (video chat) about work during work hours. They get together for drinks a couple times a month.

Edited April 4, 2016 by Homeschool Mom in AZ

[JennyD]

 

I voted other -- does a brother count?  DH is very close to his younger brother and that relationship has pretty much always occupied the space of 'best friend' for both of them.  

 

 

[Pam in CT]

Mine remains very close to his best friend from nursery school... I dunno that either would use the term "best friend" (I associate that more as a girl term, for some reason I can't quite put my finger on) and the guy lives over an hour away, but they definitely both call each other to set up a dinner if they have some specific thing they need to talk out... and several other friends he's accumulated from subsequent school and work that he sees (without me) socially a few times a year.  He also does a poker game, vaguely associated with work, once a month.  Once in a blue moon he'll play golf or squash.  

 

Similarly I have a handful of friends I mostly see without him.  Sometimes it's just nice to get out of the house alone, and also some couple-couple dyads work better than others (if one person is single, or kids' ages don't align, or somebody likes one spouse but the other can be a bit of a PITA, lol)

 

I agree with AM's point above that friendships fill a different emotional space than marriage.  When kids are little and life revolves around them, it's natural for adult friendships -- particularly those at a distance or those which don't align so easily family-to-family -- to get less airtime for a while... but as I age out of that phase of life I'm increasingly conscious of how important it is to re-cultivate and nurture friendships.

[Scarlett]

Mine has a best friend but in reality they don't do much together. Our families get together a few times a year....they text silly stuff and pics back and forth...

 

I am definitely who Dh calls whenever something good or bad happens. I think that makes me one kind of best friend.

[Scarlett]

dp

Edited April 4, 2016 by Scarlett

[Loowit]

Yes.  DH met his best friend in high school youth group.  They don't hang out a lot together any more, but used to.  Life has just taken them in different directions.  However, there have been a few changes that have made it so they can see each other more often, which is good for DH.  His friend has moved closer to where we live and we have started to attend friend's church.  So we see him once a week.  They also play online games together sometimes.

[redsquirrel]

Yes, DH has at least one person I think of as his 'best friend'. DH is a musician and there are a couple people that he has been in a couple bands with. Those are his buddies. I think everyone should have friends outside their relationship, so I never sigh or roll my eyes if he wants to go out to see some live music with them on a Saturday night.  But sometimes it isn't easy, lol. And TBH, he is never anything but accommodating for me when I want to see my friends.  

 

DH is also a gamer and maybe twice a year he goes out to some all night game thing. Whatever, lol. Most of those guys are friends since college, so who am I to discourage that? He also makes time to game with his sons every single weekend (not my thing at all), so sometimes he deserves a grownup night out.

 

There are also a couple dads of DS1's friends. Sometimes they get the boys and dads together to do an activity, like all go see a movie together. But, usually, dh is the dad who can be counted on to be the 'invisible chaperone' for the teenage boys. He's very happy to drive them to a superhero movie and sit by himself in the back, lol. But sometimes the other dads also go and they make a night of it.

[6packofun]

Yes. And it's highly annoying that when he does those "soul mate" quizzes on Facebook, this friend shows up instead of me.  LOL!!  I'm kidding, I think it's great.  I actually went to high school with my dh's best friend!  I had no idea he was going to the same college as me until my dh--only a friend at the time--said, hey you need to meet this guy I work in the computer lab with...  hehe  They are now doing a very geeky podcast together that they just started.  Well, it keeps him out of my hair at least.  :P

[sbgrace]

I don't know how he would answer that.

 

He has had close friends in the past. But he doesn't regularly, as in weekly or even generally monthly, keep in contact with those people now that we have moved.

 

I'm closest to him for sure. He's an introvert. I don't think he's lonely. But he doesn't tend toward lonely/has always been happy by himself if that makes sense. My husband does like sports and such, but really he makes connections on an intellectual, conversation basis. And that can be hard to find with men. My husband's intellectual interests are way outside the norm, and yet he has managed to find others who share those connections. How he found them, I don't really know now that I think of it! I should mention he found others like himself before we moved. He doesn't have those connections here, and he doesn't do anything to find them either.

 

I think your hubby would have the best chance making connections if he joined groups who share particular interests.

 

I also think a lot of men are isolated relationally, no matter how your poll comes out here.

[heartlikealion]

I put other. He has an old high school friend that he used to be really close to that he touches base with once in a while (lives out of the area) and some gaming buddies online, but no one that I'd really consider his best friend. I don't consider him my best friend, though he might consider me his if asked. This sorta came up recently when we watched the episode of Black-ish about best friends. On the episode the best friends (girl from childhood and main male character) did everything together like clothing shopping and pedicures. For us that was over the top. You know that movie I Love You, Man? Where the groom didn't know who to have as a best man? That was us. We asked BIL to be best man. 

[Melissa in Australia]

other

 

I really don't know if there is one considered his best friend.

 

 He has several friends, mostly in Canada. when he goes to Canada he spends just about every day with them. When he is in Australia he doesn't contact them at all. He has one friend who immigrated to Australia at a similar time. He comes and visits for about a month every year. I cannot stand the person ( bad influence on DH plus a complete moron).

 

 

 

 

DH is mostly my best friend. I don't really have friends outside of this forum. acquaintances yes but not real friends- though I have just met a lovely lady who has many similar interests.... so maybe we can cultivate a friendship...........

[The Girls' Mom]

I don't know if HE would call him his BFF or anything, but he spends almost as much time with his uncle (who lives next door) as he does with me.  They do everything together.  

 

He did have a best friend, that he actually called that, but he was killed in a motorcycle accident. They went to high school together, parted ways, but then caught up again and were really close for about two years.  When he died, it wrecked dh.  

 

For the most part, though, he mostly just has people that are good friends.  

We've never considered each other BFFs.  We just don't really click that way.  We think WAY too differently.

[Tsuga]

Though we are extraverts at work, both of our best friends are our close family. I guess in his case it's his sister, and in my case, my sister, and then we keep in touch with our cousins.

 

We talk to our sisters when we can't talk to one another.

 

I put "other" because I don't know if that counts.

 

He does have male friends though. But they never call. :D

[texasmama]

No, I'm it.  He's fine with this.  He does have some friends, but I am the person he confides in and looks to for advice, even when I'm probably not the best person to give it.

[Lolly]

I answered yes for him. He might answer that I am his best friend. And, he is right. I am his best friend. But, he also has a male best friend. The have breakfast on Friday and lunch at least once a week. They used to ride bikes together (as adults) and run together. He is also a business client. We have dinner with him and his wife occasionally. It used to be every week or two, but we wives don't really care that much for each other. On the other hand, I really don't have any close friends. At this point in my life, my kids are becoming my friends. And, quite honestly, I am not sure that I actually have time to maintain any other friendships. That sounds kind of lame, but I really don't have the time or energy to put into other friends...

[MomatHWTK]

My DH's best friend is one from his college days and they stay in touch via phone. They don't do things together because of distance and time constraints. Both of them have jobs, families, etc. They talk about "guy" stuff and keep track of each other's lives. So I would put this guy in the "If we needed him he would come running" category.

 

DH has lots of other people that might be categorized as casual friends, but he doesn't necessarily call them "friend." His social guy interaction takes place mainly online at a casual level- I would compare it to the guys hanging out at the coffee shop of my dad's generation. You know them, you greet them, you know about them, but they aren't best buds.

 

If your DH likes geek-stuff he can "play" online with my DH. DH hosts a Twtitch feed, has a geek website, and chats about science and tech stuff on Google+.   :rolleyes:  

[LMD]

MIne doesn't, and thinks it weird that guys need best friends, or friends at all for that matter. We have people we are friends with as couples, but even then he would consider the guy of the other party more of a close acquaintance than a friend. He scoffs at men's retreats and things where guys get together for community. He thinks those kind of things are okay for women, but has absolutely 0 interest as a guy thing. He wouldn't be opposed to a dad and kid thing, as an activity to bring families together, but doesn't get men-only relationships and activities.

 

He's weird like that.

 

ETA: He's also a complete introvert. That likely explains a large part of it.

My dh to a tee. Super introvert. He has friendly colleagues and acquaintances, and his dad and brother. And his sons, especially as they're getting older. That's more than enough for him!

He did have a group of friends when we met but they all drifted apart and weren't especially close anyway, he doesn't really feel a great loss about it (one was a groomsman at our wedding!)

[nd293]

I put 'other' just because 'best friend' isn't how I'd describe my husband. We're partners and family but not 'friends'. It's just not a word I'd use.

 

Aside from that, no, he doesn't have a 'best friend' neither do I. Our friendships are situational. At the moment his work situation doesn't lend itself to that. In his previous job there were a group of guys who would go out for coffee every day and have a drink after work on Friday. He does still see some of those guys occasionally, either for drinks or a dinner with ex work people or some of the guys get together and take their kids fishing or to the zoo or science museum on the weekend.

[alisoncooks]

My DH would call his college roommate his best friend.  Said friend was DH's best man in our wedding 16 years ago.  They see each other 1-2x a year and chat on the phone an hour or two every few months. :)

[HRAAB]

No, my dh doesn't have a best friend. He says I'm his best friend. And he is okay with that. He doesn't seem to need friends. He's a likeable person, gets along well with co-workers, but doesn't have any need for friends. He's more of an introvert than I am. He can socialize when he needs to, but if he had a choice, he would rather not.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I just asked dh and he rattled off six names.  I was one of them.  The rest are men who he trusts and has deep friendships with.  I would not want to be his only close friendship.  Too much pressure!  I have a number of very close female friendships as well.  I cannot give dh a male perspective on things and he can't give me a female one.  We both appreciate having close same sex friendships.