My update

[Denisemomof4]

Oh my goodness, you all are so nice!!!

 

My update won't be changing much from the last one, which is actually a good thing, but I am not going to candy coat our situation by saying everything is fantastic, which for the most part it is, without telling you the lengths to which we have to go to keep things fantastic.

 

My RAD daughter continues to do well. She will be a TEENAGER in just over a week and I have feared this time for many, many years. I hear that age 12 is the most difficult and we mostly just breezed right on by that, but certainly not unscathed. We still go months without issue, I still enjoy her much of the time, she is by far the easiest homeschool student out of all the kids (although she is strictly doing online school) (actually, that isn't fair to say - my oldest son was a breeze as well) and she is a tremendous help around the house. She does most of the barn chores herself - ALWAYS closely supervised. Yes, I still have to keep her in my eyesight at all times. I will do this until she is 18 and no matter what our relationship looks like, when she is 18 she will move out, likely that day. I want her to have a job and a room to rent or a plan for college - it will all be planned out ahead of time because I am counting down the years when I can live freely in my house again. Just to go to the bathroom without her present will be a blessing I rarely enjoy unless she is in her room. It is my way of life, it is my normal life, but every now and then, thankfully not often at all, I truly resent her because I feel like a prisoner in my own home. Thankfully, this feeling happens rarely and passes quickly.

 

I do plan for the worst case scenario - just in case. I have a boarding school picked out which has the option of year round schooling AND they have experience with RAD.

 

She has DRASTICALLY improved, and I have had to make peace with a lot of things nobody should ever have to make peace with, like her spooking my horse when I was in his stall so he would hurt me - TWICE this past year. I'm not even affected by it anymore. I didn't understand why she did it because we are all doing so well, but she still has RAD. That's my only explanation to that. The other thing? I am sure you all remember how she has to sabotage GOOD things. That doesn't really happen much anymore because I've finally accepted that presents are a trigger for her. Every birthday and Christmas was eventually sabotaged so this Christmas, for the first time and with the advice of many experts in the field (who I speak to on various FB groups I am on) she got no presents. And we had our very first peaceful January since we adopted her! January - March are always her worst time of the year and it was a breeze this year. Some of you may think it mean. I look at it as not setting my daughter up for failure. I also am thankful for the PEACE our family got to experience with the absence of presents for her. it took me a long time to get on board with that one. I wanted our other kids to experience a normal Christmas. Now that I only have the two girls at home, it was easy to give it a try.

 

In June we experienced our first runaway. It was such a shock because absolutely nothing happened to cause her upset. BUT - it was my birthday and she knew I was looking forward to mimosas with my eldest son outside while dh made our breakfast. She had been planning this for a long time. She had gotten her hands on a barret and had slowly worked the screws off the latch to her loft. We kept her loft locked, blocking access because we knew she would turn it into her toilet. She got that latch off and crawled out the other side and jumped out of a second story window, running away without shoes. We called the PD and Fish and Game, Search and Rescue and the fire department were all here as I sat outside in my pjs with bedhead hair and no make-up. I was totally numb. We had 17 men in our yard at one point, or was it 27? 4-wheelers combing through our woods and the surrounding conservation land. It was a high priority case because they didnt know if she was hurt. The police put her picture on FB and she was caught within hours. One of my best friend's went and sat with her as a family was driving along and the husband had just seen her picture on FB and they found her walking on a road not too far from my friend. She said she just wanted to go for a walk but we all knew she just wanted to sabotage my day. I was devastated for my kids - they were so upset. I was just numb to it all. This is what life with a RAD does to you. You just adjust to the craziness of it all. The police really reamed her out that day and I think it scared her, but we will never know because she never talks about what's going on inside her head. The police were completely baffled when we all tried to explain that no, there was no argument, nothing happened, she just wanted to sabotage my birthday.

 

Those are the only things I remember happening in this entire past year. Some RAD families are thankful for a peaceful few hours, so I am thankful we have come so far. It may sound horrendous to some of you but I look back to the days where she was trying to kill my animals, vandalizing my house, constantly trying to cause upset with the family. She really rarely causes problems now and we live mostly peaceful lives. We regularly go out as a family and can enjoy ourselves. The girls have a bond which comes and goes - mostly because the scars in my older daughter (in all of us) run so deep and are never forgotten. E truly have fun together - REGULARLY. She doesn't sabotage the fun times anymore because she knows she will just be sent to her room. I have a ZERO TOLERANCE for ANYTHING, big or small, and although it took years, she has done away with most of her antics.

 

One other thing. We could no longer tolerate the stench in the house and made her a bedroom in the basement. She has plywood walls and every inch of her room is covered with..... Is it called Kilz? Its completely waterproof. RAD kids pee and poo in their rooms regularly and now we dont have to live with the smell. A nationally well known therapist I once counseled with recommended this, and I am so thankful she did. She doesn't seem to have this issue in her room now, but when we removed her carpets from her old rooms? The pee had saturated through to the sub floor beneath. Poop smeared under all the baseboards. We are all happier now that we live in a clean house again. My older daughter also decided to take a room in the basement, which I will never understand, so RAD is not down there alone. BUT, we have door alarms, sensors, and cameras around RADs room and will be buying a door alarm for my other daughter to put INSIDE her room and window alarms for all her windows. Every RAD family I know lives under surveillance.

 

This is simply the life of a RAD family.

 

She has not started her period yet so I am nervous about that, but I have had very honest discussions with her and told her that she has come SO FAR and that if she starts to have hormonal issues, I want her to go on BC. She seems to agree so far.

 

Also, to make peace with everything, I look at my role as her caretaker. I have detached and I don't try to have a loving mother/daughter relationship with her. My heart can't handle that again. But being the honest person that I am, I have told her numerous times that if this is something she wants to work on, I will be here for her. But I can NOT do it while she is living under this roof. I do tell her I hope we can enjoy a relationship in her adult years, meet for lunch, go shopping, etc. we do all those things now but I always try to have someone else with us to make it less threatening to her so she doesn't feel she has to sabotage a good thing. And aometimes I do take her out on a special day alone - and she has never sabotaged these, either.

[Denisemomof4]

My older daughter is doing very well. She is 16 now and her health issues are mostly gone. I say mostly because she got sick of her Lymes teeatment and stopped it, as did my husband, but I am going to be forcing this issue shortly and I will be the medication police. We thought at one point she wouldn't be able to drive because of her health issues, but everything seemed to clear up with her Lymes treatment. Although still very thin, she im ediately started to put on weight with her treatment! She gained 50 lbs in ONE YEAR!!! She is now 5'11 and a VERY healthy 132 lbs. still skinny but she looks good and healthy! Because of her difficult siblings, she is considering a career in law enforcement. This TERRIFIES me and I hate the thought of it.

 

My oldest son has a great job as an engineer but has not completed his degree yet. He actually tells me homeschooling ruined his ability to enjoy learning in a classroom setting. Mhe said that his homeschool classes were even meatier than most of the college classes he took. He really just wants to get his degree over with but needed a mental break. In the meantime he has a fantastic job and is doing well.

 

My you ger son, the one filled with rage towards RAD and our family - we don't hear from him. I will forever feel that we sacrificed our bio son for our adopted daughter. I dont hold RAD at fault for that, I will carry the guilt of that to my grave.

 

So this is a very realistic snapshot of our life. P,ease dont get the wrong i,pression. We are truly happy and at peace now that we have learned how to cope - and RAD's behaviors are only a tiny reflection of what they once were.

 

Hugs to you all!!

[goldberry]

May God bless you and keep giving you strength Denise....

:grouphug:

[Pink and Green Mom]

I am amazed and in awe of your inner strength and fortitude.  Well done, Denise!  I know it is not an easy road. 

Edited February 26, 2016 by Pink and Green Mom

[Anne]

You are an inspiration!

 

Anne

[clementine]

Wow - you have truly been through so much.  It's great to hear that you're happy and coping - that is huge with everything you've endured.  

[myfunnybunch]

Thanks for the update, Denise. I've wondered how you and your family have been. I want you to know that the stories that you've shared have had a lasting impact on me. They have reminded me to be kinder and less judgmental toward families facing all kinds of parenting challenges, and to advocate for kindness and grace when talking to others. I wish you peace and continued progress.

[Laurie4b]

Glad that your overall trajectory is better, but still sorry for the pain, especially for your son. 

[Valley Girl]

Denise--

I followed your story as a lurker for a long time. You are, quite simply, an inspiration. I admire your fortitude in the face of overwhelming difficulties and keep you in mind when my own child's far more minor struggles threaten overwhelm me. I pray that your family will enjoyed continued peace and that your younger son, someday, will be able to heal his own hurt and know how much you love him. God bless you.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Denise, thank you for the update.  I am glad that you are at peace and pray for you with the challenges that remain. 

[maize]

Thank you so much for the update and for the glimpse into your world.

[Rosie_0801]

Ah Denise. You guys are so much tougher than I ever want to be.  :grouphug:

[Caroline]

Thank you for the update, Denise. I always think of you whenever someone on here mentions RAD, or I see my neighbor who is dealing with RAD, or someone gets a concussion. I am glad you are ok. I hold you in my heart. You have provided so much knowledge to me over the years.

[fairfarmhand]

Thanks for the update, Denise. I've wondered how you and your family have been. I want you to know that the stories that you've shared have had a lasting impact on me. They have reminded me to be kinder and less judgmental toward families facing all kinds of parenting challenges, and to advocate for kindness and grace when talking to others. I wish you peace and continued progress.

 

Me too. I used to be "love can fix everything." And now, I know that's not always true.

 

Sometimes people are just doing the best they can. And its still not enough to fix broken people.

 

[Halftime Hope]

Denise, I'm so glad to hear from you.  I have often wondered how you are doing, and it's a joy to hear how well and how strong you are, and that your family is experiencing so much more peace.  I wish you and yours well, and hope that time will bring much more healing to you and your children.  Thank you, too, for the example of fortitude, and the insight you've given me over the years.  We have a RAD child in our extended family, and I've been able to have more empathy and be a better friend to the mom in that family because of what you've shared.  Thank you! 

Edited February 26, 2016 by Halftime Hope

[dirty ethel rackham]

Thank you for sharing your update.  What a strong, incredible woman you are.  I'm glad that things in general are doing better.  I hold your family in my prayers, especially healing for your son. 

[Mimm]

Thank you so much for your honest portrayal of such a horrible disorder. I hope your son can work through his anger and that he'll come back into your life. You do sound like you are more at peace with things now.

[Stacia]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[38carrots]

Thank you for your update. You are an inspiration.

[TravelingChris]

I am so glad to see your update becaue I have thought about you a number of times on how you were doing.  I am happy to hear that the RAD problems have diminished so much.  I am very sorry about your younger son and hope he comes back as he matures.

[Cinder]

:grouphug:

[Ottakee]

Happy to hear your update. Glad you are seeing progress.

 

A friend of mine with a RAD child (milder than yours) said that once her son moved out of the house she is actually starting to enjoy him and build a relationship.

 

You need to write a book. All the clinical books out there aren't a match for the in the trenches parenting stuff.

 

We currently have 2 fosters, one of which is a 15 year old felon....certainly changes your ideas of "ideal" parenting techniques.

[Tammyla]

:grouphug:

Edited February 27, 2016 by Tammyla

[Lilaclady]

So glad to read this update. Hoping that things continue to get better with your family. You are all so strong.

[catz]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Thank you for the update.  You're an awesome mom!  :hurray:

[Jaz]

Thanks for sharing an update, Denise. Your openness has helped me to be a more understanding friend to those in similar situations. Praying for your family, especially your son.

[bluemongoose]

Wow! I cant even imagine! Keep up the good work! and I will pray for your son.

[Twigs]

Thanks for the update.  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

Best wishes.

[Eliz]

You are indeed an awesome mom!!

[Barb_]

Oh Denise. I have nothing to add except to thank you for coming back to share your sucesses with us. I've missed your voice.

[mominco]

:grouphug:

[Mom25girls]

In agreement that you're an awesome mom.  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Garga]

Thank you for the update. I think of you often and wonder how you are doing.

[Grover]

Thank you for updating.  I hope your relationship with younger son improves with time and space for all of you.  I am sorry you have to live the way you do, and I am glad you have managed to come to peace with it.  I wish you boring teenage years.  You are stronger than I can ever imagine.

[Scarlett]

Ty Denise. Heartbreaking but you sound good.

[Malory]

Thank you for the update, Denise.  Hope the next year will be even less eventful.  You are in my prayers.

[Melissa in Australia]

thank you so much for the update. so nice to hear that it is slightly easier as RAD daughter gets older.

 

 

 We now have 2  moderate  RAD and PTSD darlings .  The thing I find the hardest is my own anger.

[Guest]

Thank you for the update, Denise. I have wondered about you and your family. Many hugs to you.

[Minerva]

:grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

thank you so much for the update. so nice to hear that it is slightly easier as RAD daughter gets older.

 

 

We now have 2 moderate RAD and PTSD darlings . The thing I find the hardest is my own anger.

[Denisemomof4]

Melissa, I had a lot of anger for many years. There are a few things that helped me to get beyond it, but it took conscious work and patience

to see results.

 

First, an awesome mom here once pointed out that I was the one doing all the work, and why should I do more work than her? Total lightbulb moment. That day my life changed. I held her accountable for all her actions and stopped doing all the work. I could still be doing all the work but unless they truly want to change, there is NOTHING we can do to facilitate change.

 

Also - VERY important, I had to let go of all my dreams and accept our ugly reality. I learned to expect the worse and be pleasantly surprised when it didn't happen - which was rare for years. During this time is when I had to detach. I had to let all mother/daughter ideals go and take on the role of caretaker. This was absolutely essential for MY survival.

 

I started to ignore all her antics and purposeful hurtful/button pushing behaviors. It was hard, it took a LOT of deliberate action on my part like pushing thoughts out of my head, not allowing them back, never show I was struggling. In the midst of her worst behaviors, no matter how I felt inside, I had to show her she had NO affect one whatsoever. This was HARD WORK but I was able to eventually master it.

 

I remember one time as I sat with a small smirk on my face, reading a book, showing her that she was NOT going to get to me, I realized my book was upside down. LOL!!! But the longer I did this, the easier it got. My kids laugh at me now because they will be talking to me and I don't hear a word they're saying. My husband once snapped at me because my boys were arguing on the couch beside me and I didn't hear a thing. Dh couldn't understand why I sat there and did nothing. It became a very important coping skill for me. Sometimes I would actually laugh to her face, because all u wanted to do was scream or cry. Once she wasn't getting the reaction from me that she wanted, it just was no longer rewarding to keep up with the behaviors. Even sitting down and having a heart to heart about it only fed into the issue.

 

I had a LOT of anger and I'm sure many remember it here. Some were certainly happy to point out what a terrible person I was because I could speak of my child in such a way.

 

So I get it.

 

If you need to vent, feel free to message me. Nice been a part of RAD groups for so many years that there is likely nothing you would say that I haven't already heard. It's torture during the midst of it all.

 

Sending hugs to you!

[Anne in CA]

I am really glad to hear things are mostly going so well. I am sorry about your younger son, but he may be protecting himself and hopefully the lost years will be made up for later. I have kept you in my prayers off and on and continue, because I believe that your struggles are shared by many and you are a great example.

[Melissa in Australia]

Melissa, I had a lot of anger for many years. There are a few things that helped me to get beyond it, but it took conscious work and patience

to see results.

 

First, an awesome mom here once pointed out that I was the one doing all the work, and why should I do more work than her? Total lightbulb moment. That day my life changed. I held her accountable for all her actions and stopped doing all the work. I could still be doing all the work but unless they truly want to change, there is NOTHING we can do to facilitate change.

 

Also - VERY important, I had to let go of all my dreams and accept our ugly reality. I learned to expect the worse and be pleasantly surprised when it didn't happen - which was rare for years. During this time is when I had to detach. I had to let all mother/daughter ideals go and take on the role of caretaker. This was absolutely essential for MY survival.

 

I started to ignore all her antics and purposeful hurtful/button pushing behaviors. It was hard, it took a LOT of deliberate action on my part like pushing thoughts out of my head, not allowing them back, never show I was struggling. In the midst of her worst behaviors, no matter how I felt inside, I had to show her she had NO affect one whatsoever. This was HARD WORK but I was able to eventually master it.

 

I remember one time as I sat with a small smirk on my face, reading a book, showing her that she was NOT going to get to me, I realized my book was upside down. LOL!!! But the longer I did this, the easier it got. My kids laugh at me now because they will be talking to me and I don't hear a word they're saying. My husband once snapped at me because my boys were arguing on the couch beside me and I didn't hear a thing. Dh couldn't understand why I sat there and did nothing. It became a very important coping skill for me. Sometimes I would actually laugh to her face, because all u wanted to do was scream or cry. Once she wasn't getting the reaction from me that she wanted, it just was no longer rewarding to keep up with the behaviors. Even sitting down and having a heart to heart about it only fed into the issue.

 

I had a LOT of anger and I'm sure many remember it here. Some were certainly happy to point out what a terrible person I was because I could speak of my child in such a way.

 

So I get it.

 

If you need to vent, feel free to message me. Nice been a part of RAD groups for so many years that there is likely nothing you would say that I haven't already heard. It's torture during the midst of it all.

 

Sending hugs to you!

 

Thank you so much

 

I have many people ask me how I can be so calm- if only they could see in my head. they will see that I am the most disgusting, angry, mean person in the whole world.

 

I know that I am meant to remain calm- disengage myself etc.

 

I wrote a long post but are so ashamed of myself that I deleted it all.

 

I hate myself sometimes and spend lots of evenings silently weeping inside.

 

Twins have now improved so much that they can appear like normal to outside peoples now- which is terrific.

Edited February 27, 2016 by Melissa in Australia

[Rosie_0801]

Thank you so much

 

I have many people ask me how I can be so calm- if only they could see in my head. they will see that I am the most disgusting, angry, mean person in the whole world.

 

No.

 

You are trying to help some kids, not destroy them. People trying to destroy other people are the worst in the world.

Edited February 27, 2016 by Rosie_0801

[OnMyOwn]

Thank you so much

 

I have many people ask me how I can be so calm- if only they could see in my head. they will see that I am the most disgusting, angry, mean person in the whole world.

 

I know that I am meant to remain calm- disengage myself etc.

 

I wrote a long post but are so ashamed of myself that I deleted it all.

 

I hate myself sometimes and spend lots of evenings silently weeping inside.

 

Twins have now improved so much that they can appear like normal to outside peoples now- which is terrific.

Melissa, I'm sorry you are having such a hard time.

[Sharpie]

Long time lurker here.  I had never heard of RAD until you shared your story.  You changed how I viewed families that didn't fit the box.  I have far more compassion and understanding than I ever had prior.  Thank you.

 

You are truly changing the world and I pray that your youngest son comes back.  You are a warrior with profound strength!  I truly mean that. 

[Liz CA]

Just wanted to remind you that some kids need some distance for a while (your bio son) but this does not mean they will never reach out again or that you cannot reach out to him. The pain of living in close proximity with RAD craziness can eventually heal and you and your dh can have a conversation about those difficult years. Relationships re-form and re-align. I hope you will not "take any guilt to the grave with you." This comment of yours just hit me right between the eyes.

[Denisemomof4]

Just wanted to remind you that some kids need some distance for a while (your bio son) but this does not mean they will never reach out again or that you cannot reach out to him. The pain of living in close proximity with RAD craziness can eventually heal and you and your dh can have a conversation about those difficult years. Relationships re-form and re-align. I hope you will not "take any guilt to the grave with you." This comment of yours just hit me right between the eyes.

[Denisemomof4]

Just wanted to remind you that some kids need some distance for a while (your bio son) but this does not mean they will never reach out again or that you cannot reach out to him. The pain of living in close proximity with RAD craziness can eventually heal and you and your dh can have a conversation about those difficult years. Relationships re-form and re-align. I hope you will not "take any guilt to the grave with you." This comment of yours just hit me right between the eyes.

Thank you so much for this.

 

When my mom lingered on Hospice, in my home, longer than anyone thought she would, one nurse asked me if she had something she had to make peace with. I always think of that. I fear that.

 

I would love to see our entire family happy together, but he is moving clear across the U.S. and at this point he has no intention of reconnecting.

[Denisemomof4]

Melissa, sometimes appearing normal to outside people is the most painful part because of how they treat us when nobody else is around.

 

You can't be ashamed for how you feel, and I'm certain I've probably felt all that you have. I am in close contact with many RAD moms who share the same feelings I do. Sometimes having another RAD mom to talk to makes ALL the difference. Please - message me. I will never judge you and will always support you.