DaisyDay Posted February 28, 2016 Share Posted February 28, 2016 Fellow RAD mom here. My son is also 12, adopted at 6. He rocks our world. I can relate to what some of you mentioned--the absolute craziness of it all, the things we come to accept as normal in our home, and the anger--it's pretty much constant. I'd like to send him to public school but I know that would open up a huge new array of headaches. I, too, am counting the years til he turns 18. I did a little research yesterday and learned that you can sign a kid up for the military at 17 with parental permission. He would thrive on the rigid structure the military offers. Hugs to all the moms of RADlings out there! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted February 28, 2016 Author Share Posted February 28, 2016 My daughter would have ABSOLUTELY gotten much worse had she been put in school. I believe homeschooling her has been THE most important part of her recovery. She absolutely would have failed with all that freedom - undoubtedly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valley Girl Posted February 28, 2016 Share Posted February 28, 2016 Thank you so much I have many people ask me how I can be so calm- if only they could see in my head. they will see that I am the most disgusting, angry, mean person in the whole world. I know that I am meant to remain calm- disengage myself etc. I wrote a long post but are so ashamed of myself that I deleted it all. I hate myself sometimes and spend lots of evenings silently weeping inside. Twins have now improved so much that they can appear like normal to outside peoples now- which is terrific. I've never dealt with RAD, so take what I'm about to say for what it's worth (which may not be much). You're human. Knowing the reasons why children with those issues respond the way they do doesn't magically make it not hurt when all your mother-love is turned back on you. Frankly, I don't think you'd be normal if you weren't angry, even REALLY angry, at times. But the thing is, you still remain calm. You keep the anger in your head--it doesn't spill into your actions. You still love them. You still fight for them. You still do your best for them so that they have a chance in life. What an amazing, strong, loving person you must be! I hope you have some real-life support and someone you can talk to. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMV Posted February 28, 2016 Share Posted February 28, 2016 thank you so much for the update. so nice to hear that it is slightly easier as RAD daughter gets older. We now have 2 moderate RAD and PTSD darlings . The thing I find the hardest is my own anger. Hugs! Definitely address the PTSD aggressively. It will be difficult, if not impossible, to address the attachment issues until you have effectively treated the PTSD. Additionally, parsing out what is due to PTSD and what is due to RAD can be difficult (and really not necessary) so you may find that once the PTSD is treated the RAD is much less severe (or in some cases not actually diagnosable). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted February 28, 2016 Author Share Posted February 28, 2016 Last time I researched PTSD, EMDR was the treatment which yielded the best results. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaisyDay Posted February 28, 2016 Share Posted February 28, 2016 I have many people ask me how I can be so calm- if only they could see in my head. they will see that I am the most disgusting, angry, mean person in the whole world. Melissa, I can definitely identify with this. I often feel that way, too. People are always praising me, telling me what a good mom I am, how patient, etc. but I feel if they knew what I was thinking or what I said, or almost said, to my child that day, they'd be so disgusted, they'd walk away and never look back. Probably call the authorities. But the nature of the RAD child is such that it's MEANT to make you feel that way. When they get you to that point, that's a score for them. They don't feel remorse for pushing your buttons or making you cry or want to throw things. They could drive the pope himself to physical violence. That's what they DO. That's the nature of their disorder. Some of the things my RADling has done would justify an adoption disruption in some people's books. But we go on. We get up the next morning and we do it again. We RAD parents are the normal ones, with normal emotions and normal tolerance levels of abhorrent behavior. Our responses to our child(ren)'s behavior is what normal people feel. No one who has walked in your shoes judges you. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted February 28, 2016 Author Share Posted February 28, 2016 Excellent post, DaisyDay. So true!!! Melissa, if you don't have any support, you might want to check out some of the online groups. It really helps to talk to the only people who will ever understand - other RAD parents. Message me if you're interested in hearing about some. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted February 29, 2016 Share Posted February 29, 2016 Excellent post, DaisyDay. So true!!! Melissa, if you don't have any support, you might want to check out some of the online groups. It really helps to talk to the only people who will ever understand - other RAD parents. Message me if you're interested in hearing about some. We have different issues here. Once we got a good handle on the PTSD and bipolar the attachment stuff got much easier. Now we have a host of other issues that come with having 5 teens with IEPs (all with IQs below normal), mental health issues, PTSD, Fetal Alcohol, and one on probation. The support group thing though is SPOT ON. I meet 1-4 times a week to walk with a friend who has been there, dine that, is doing it. We can vent, share, support, etc and recharge our batteries. I don't get the severe RAD stuff but can certainly relate to the difficult parenting stuff and feeling like you just dont know what to do, etc. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted February 29, 2016 Author Share Posted February 29, 2016 Ottakee, I can't imagine doing this with five special needs kids! It is wonderful you have a friend nearby who is a support to you. Unfortunately, many don't have anyone nearby. The second best thing IMO is support online. I have made many friends through my RAD groups and have met some of them and we speak pretty much daily. A group of us moderate a group and we are so close that we keep a chat going 24/7 and someone is always around during a crisis. We have planned several dates to meet up IRL. I can't imagine my life without them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted February 29, 2016 Share Posted February 29, 2016 Ottakee, I can't imagine doing this with five special needs kids! It is wonderful you have a friend nearby who is a support to you. Unfortunately, many don't have anyone nearby. The second best thing IMO is support online. I have made many friends through my RAD groups and have met some of them and we speak pretty much daily. A group of us moderate a group and we are so close that we keep a chat going 24/7 and someone is always around during a crisis. We have planned several dates to meet up IRL. I can't imagine my life without them. I am very blessed to have her. Her challenges with her 4 adopted and 2 BIOS are different than mine in many ways but we are supportive of each other. An on line group though is great as well and I have used those in the past but not needed as much right now. Support though is critical. Very often my friend and I will comment that , " they never covered THIS in our foster/adopted training" when the "this" is something most parents just never have to deal with. Even though I have 5 that are more difficult than "normal" it isn't bad at all....at least most days. The worst part most days is that none of them can drive, we are 12 miles from town, and no public transportation. Wish I could afford taxi service or my own personal chauffeur for them. Also 4 of the 5 are in public school so that is a break for me and the 5th is older than school age. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted February 29, 2016 Author Share Posted February 29, 2016 Good to hear. Maybe I was imagining worse, but you did say you don't really deal with RAD behaviors so that is huge. We had a first this weekend. My RAD daughter slept in bed with me and our four dogs and did absolutely fine. My dh was shocked I even tried this, and I really knew in my heart she would leave the dogs al9one. We then went out to breakfast. No sabotage! We truly live normal lives most of the time and I am so thankful for that. Early on when I had no support at all, other than friends without RAD experience, this is mostly where I vented. I am thankful there are so many online resources for parents now. Because I moderate a group, I regularly see parents, mostly moms, crying out for help with such desperation. It is heart breaking. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted February 29, 2016 Share Posted February 29, 2016 Last time I researched PTSD, EMDR was the treatment which yielded the best results. I have a good friend who was suicidal from PTSD before EMDR. She credits it with saving her life. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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