Very odd funeral related requests

[City Mouse]

My parents have both recently died. (Of old age basically). I know that my siblings and I are a bit odd in that none of us are religious at all and have no desire to follow socially acceptable funeral traditions. For my dad, the only service we had was the military honors at the veteran’s cemetery attended only by immediate family. My mom died earlier this week. We are not holding any service for my mom. She will be interred with my dad at the veteran’s cemetery, and I do plan to visit once her name has been added.There are no extended family members to attend a service, and my parents did not have any close friends.

Today I received a request that struck me as creepy and inappropriate; however, I thought I would come on here and ask for opinions from people who have more knowledge of such things. 

My mom has had a private caregiver whom she hired and paid for on her own I found the lady’s name but had never met her before she started working for my mom. The caregiver has been with my mom for a little over 2 years. This caregiver became what I feel like is inappropriately attached to parents, but describing all the things will take too long. This morning the caregiver called me and asked if she could have some of Mom’s ashes.  My first instinct was to say no way, but all I said was “I am not prepared to make that decision right now.” The woman is very emotional and upset, and I don’t know how to handle it. It seems as if she is wanting us to provide emotional support and bond with her as if she was a family member. My siblings and I have never interacted with her in that way, and we don’t want to for many reasons I won’t get into now. My plan for now if I have to talk to her again is to say something like “I know you are upset, but I cannot be your emotional support right now”. Really, I just want to ghost her and stop answering her calls at all, but that feels mean. We already gave her some person items of mom’s that she requested and a generous severance check. 

So, what do you think? Is this “normal” behavior on her part? Am I being unreasonable or going to far against social norms?
 

 

Edited September 29, 2023 by City Mouse
Fixing typos

[rebcoola]

Not normal behavior to me.  I would be very tempted to ghost her

[bolt.]

No, it's not "normal" for a non-family member to be a recipient of ashes.

On the one hand, it sounds like this woman has grown very close to your late parents, and that's an important part of her life right now. It's not super creepy or anything for her to just ask you, just in case you don't mind. It's odd, but not crazy.

On the other hand, you *do* mind. And you are hinting that not everything about the closeness of the caregiving situation was sitting quite right with you. And you have no obligation to ease this transition for the caregiver, even though you regard her as a fellow human being who deserves some context of kindness when she is upset.

My advice: Contact her by text and say, "On reflection, we've decided not to share out Mom's ashes in any way. I'm sorry to disappoint you. This has been a hard time for all of us, and I'm hoping to ask you not to contact me for a while. I know you are upset, and that you cared deeply about Mom, but I cannot be your emotional support right now. I hope you have other people in your life to help you in your grieving. Thank you again for all your service to my late parents. Their final years would not have been the same without you."

THEN ghost her with a clear conscience.

Edited September 29, 2023 by bolt.

[Emba]

That request seems to cross a line, to me. It’s definitely odd. I mean if you didn’t mind giving her some, then whatever, but if you’re uncomfortable with it at all, don’t, and don’t give it another moment’s thought.

 

[Moonhawk]

Uh, no. 

I think a basic "Thank you for sharing your condolences, and for the care you gave  our mother during the last 2 years of employment. I know you are grieving, too. We won't be sharing any more of her personal effects at this time."

I agree with your "creepy and inappropriate" description, and would ghost if she brought it up again. There's crossing a boundary and then there's taking a flying leap off a cliff, and another request would be parachute territory. 

[Junie]

I think it is quite inappropriate to ask for ashes. 

[Katy]

I would text siblings and verify they are okay with saying no, text her no, and take no more than 3 more texts from her the same day, then ghost her. 

When I was in nursing school I had one favorite resident at a nursing home I worked at. When she passed her daughter asked how she was to care for and sobbed in my arms when I told her she’d been my favorite. According to the daughter she’d been the worst and most abusive narcissist any of them had ever heard of. I’ve also heard of the most angelic women becoming extremely abusive with dementia. So I’d find it completely realistic that while you had a complicated relationship with your parents for any reason, this caregiver may have had a lovely one and both be very attached and grieving. And probably not understand anything about your parents being different in different relationships. So I’d give her courtesy and grace and say no to the ashes thing, but I don’t find it that creepy. 

The fact is she probably wants to find out why your relationships were complicated but she doesn’t really want to know. She wants to think your mother’s version is basically true. 

[Starr]

If it was me I would tell her we are keeping the ashes together and tell her where she will be interred. She can visit at the cemetery. 

[prairiewindmomma]

46 minutes ago, rebcoola said:

Not normal behavior to me.  I would be very tempted to ghost her

Same.

[Danae]

I don’t find it at all surprising a person who cared for someone for two years would be emotionally attached.  That part seems normal.  The ashes would be a big NO from me, but I find it odd that people spilt up cremains at all.  

[prairiewindmomma]

This isn’t normal behavior for a paid caregiver. You would reasonably expect them to show up at the funeral, send a card later, etc. I can’t imagine them asking for personal items (though the deceased may have chosen to leave something), let alone asking for cremains.

A paid caregiver is an employee. Granted, close relationships can develop given the intimacy of personal care and the number of hours spent together, but it is fundamentally a working relationship at its core. You don’t ask for those things from your employer’s family. (I am saying this as someone whose mother’s nanny still dropped in for occasional holiday celebrations. Even when staff become framily, you don’t ask for those things.)

[EKS]

Another vote for not normal.

[Faith-manor]

Very irregular. If this was a neighbor who had been a lifelong friend and was also the paid caregiver, then maybe. This is just weird.

I would say no with few words of explanation, and then ghost the person after that.

[J-rap]

I think most socially savvy people (or whatever you want to call it! :)) would know that's inappropriate.  She likely lacks some of those skills, and obviously had grown attached to your mother.  (Perhaps she doesn't have a close family of her own.)   Although it's strange and inappropriate, I also think it's rather sweet in a way.  

I wouldn't be upset about it, but I'd gently tell her thank you for thinking of your mother and thank you for her care.  Tell her you're keeping the ashes together but she can visit at the cemetery if she'd like.

[teachermom2834]

I understand her being upset but it’s totally inappropriate. 
 

I know you are not religious but in my tradition we are not supposed to split up the ashes. So totally normal to keep the ashes all together in one place and totally weird to ask for some portion of them. 
 

I would have one final conversation (by text is fine) to indicate closure and that it would be the last conversation. No we aren’t splitting up the ashes. She will be in the location after this date in the future if you want to visit. Thank you for caring for my parents and best wishes to you in the future. And be done.

[elegantlion]

28 minutes ago, Starr said:

If it was me I would tell her we are keeping the ashes together and tell her where she will be interred. She can visit at the cemetery. 

This. 

When my ex-dh died, his girlfriend (who is a lovely person) asked if I wanted some of his ashes. I know people who do it, but personally I find splitting up the ashes a bit out of my comfort zone to put it mildly. I declined her offer. Ds didn't even want any. 

 

 

[MercyA]

My gut response was oh hell no. 

Others here are more gracious and that's a good thing. 🙂 

I think the caregiver is likely more socially awkward than creepy. 

The idea of splitting ashes at all bothers me for whatever reason.

I'm sorry for your losses. 

[Melissa in Australia]

47 minutes ago, Starr said:

If it was me I would tell her we are keeping the ashes together and tell her where she will be interred. She can visit at the cemetery. 

This

[Corraleno]

I think requesting some of the ashes is way out of line, but I do think it's possible, and even somewhat normal, for people who are employees to also become emotionally attached.

When an elderly relative died a few years ago, we had a celebration of life at the assisted living facility where he'd lived for the previous 5 years. We actually had a hard time picking a date because every person who worked there wanted to be there, so we had to work around a lot of different vacation/travel/PTO schedules. Employees came in on their day off, and even some former employees took time off from new jobs to come, and most of them were crying their eyes out. One of the people who asked to get up and speak about him was a girl who had met him while she was in HS doing required volunteer hours and she continued to visit him long after she'd completed the volunteer job. She could hardly speak she was crying so hard, and I do believe she genuinely loved him. 

So while I would definitely not be dividing up the ashes, I would be sympathetic to someone who had been caring for a loved one for a couple of years and was devastated by the death.

[Elizabeth86]

Not normal at all. Yikes.

[Elizabeth86]

1 hour ago, MercyA said:

My gut response was oh hell no. 

Others here are more gracious and that's a good thing. 🙂 

I think the caregiver is likely more socially awkward than creepy. 

The idea of splitting ashes at all bothers me for whatever reason.

I'm sorry for your losses. 

Me too. My mail gave dh some of FIL’s ashes and I hate having a small piece of fil just sitting on my shelf in our bedroom. 😭

Edited September 29, 2023 by Elizabeth86

[Beth S]

I totally agree with OPs to Just Say No.

However, Cremation Jewelry is in fact a Thing.

 

[Grace Hopper]

1 hour ago, bolt. said:

No, it's not "normal" for a non-family member to be a recipient of ashes.

On the one hand, it sounds like this woman has grown very close to your late parents, and that's an important part of her life right now. It's not super creepy or anything for her to just ask you, just in case you don't mind. It's odd, but not crazy.

On the other hand, you *do* mind. And you are hinting that not everything about the closeness of the caregiving situation was sitting quite right with you. And you have no obligation to ease this transition for the caregiver, even though you regard her as a fellow human being who deserves some context of kindness when she is upset.

My advice: Contact her by text and say, "On reflection, we've decided not to share out Mom's ashes in any way. I'm sorry to disappoint you. This has been a hard time for all of us, and I'm hoping to ask you not to contact me for a while. I know you are upset, and that you cared deeply about Mom, but I cannot be your emotional support right now. I hope you have other people in your life to help you in your grieving. Thank you again for all your service to my late parents. Their final years would not have been the same without you."

THEN ghost her with a clear conscience.

Echoing others to say this is an inappropriate request. Personally, a request I’ve made for myself is that my ashes not be divided or scattered (or compressed into gemstones, she says, clutching her pearls!).  I like the wording of bolt’s response BUT I would leave out the part expressing that you cannot be this woman’s emotional support. I think that’s something you demonstrate by your actions - rather, the lack thereof - instead of spelling it out. 
 

What I might say is that you hope she finds joy and satisfaction working with a new patient/companion. Direct her onward, iykwim. Then I would no longer reply to texts. You’ve already given her personal tokens and a good severance, which were generous and appropriate offerings. The only future contact you might think about responding to would be a potential client’s request for a reference. 
 

It’s early yet, but I’m admittedly a skeptic, which would have me looking somewhat curiously at your parents’ financial accounts and valuables for any irregularities. Gosh that seems harsh when typed out but as I admitted, that’s where my mind goes. 

[gardenmom5]

It's certainly unprofessional for someone who is being paid to caretake someone.  But she's spent a lot of time with your mom, so it's understandable she is sad - but she needs to move on.  It was very inappropriate for her to ask for any ashes. . . 

[katilac]

I thought the request was going to be to have a small memorial gathering . . . ashes?? Yikes! 

You had a great response. I do think the request crosses the line from odd to creepy. 

It's only been a week, so I'd probably not ghost or explain just yet. You can not answer calls and slow-respond to messages and texts. I'd text back even if she left a phone message, but I don't answer too many phone calls to begin with. I'd give it another week or so to see if it dies down. 

It was kind to pass on some personal items. 

[kbutton]

4 hours ago, Starr said:

If it was me I would tell her we are keeping the ashes together and tell her where she will be interred. She can visit at the cemetery. 

This. 

4 hours ago, Danae said:

I don’t find it at all surprising a person who cared for someone for two years would be emotionally attached.  That part seems normal.  The ashes would be a big NO from me, but I find it odd that people spilt up cremains at all.  

And this.

I am in the camp that thinks all remains belong together, and ideally, buried.

I have a friend that is a caregiver. She becomes very close to her people and often to their families. I think it’s unlikely that she’s ask for ashes, but I don’t think closeness is always, or even usually, creepy. 

[QueenCat]

Highly inappropriate!!! 

[SKL]

The ashes request is one I haven't heard of before.

But it doesn't surprise me at all that she got attached to your mom while working with her.  Heck, I worked in a nursing home for 7 days and became friends with some of the residents.

The way you word your post makes me wonder if it's a romantic attachment we're talking about.  It can happen, and although the concept doesn't bother me, I don't know how I'd feel if it were my mom (who was a married woman).

The other possibility, maybe it's a different culture thing?  Like my kids' nanny, who always referred to my girls as "her babies," posted pics of them in their bathing suits (without my knowledge/permission), etc.  She loves them and that's cultural for her, so I let it go.

I guess overall, without knowing more, I'd be glad she cared that much about the person she was caring for.  And since I don't tend to be sentimental, I might give her some ashes, but it's hard to know without being in the situation myself.

Edited September 30, 2023 by SKL

[math teacher]

That's very inappropriate, and you indicated there were other red flags as well. I'm not even sure I would mention the cemetery, even though she could probably learn that on her own. I don't think you owe her a response at all.

[Spryte]

That’s a bold request.

Aside from the other weirdness of that request: we have recently been involved in two parent funerals involving cremations, and I traveled to spread my dear friend’s ashes per her wishes. There is paperwork involved in crossing state lines, air travel, etc. We traveled with death certificates and some sort of permission to transport form from the funeral home for all three. I would not be passing out ashes, or ordering paperwork for a caregiver.

You can just say no. 

 

 

[history-fan]

Sorry for the loss of your parents.

The request is inappropriate and my first thought was that her employer needs to know. Not to cause her to lose her job but that the employee may need some help from their employee assistance program. You had said "calls" - I would say no, this is a family matter not one that concerns my mothers employees. and contact her company. 

My Mom  had a private caretaker and a housekeeper. The private caretaker sent a condolence card in the mail, the housekeeper attended the wake and probably got the information from the newspaper obituary.

I did have 2 neighbors call and ask for pieces of furniture and a birdbath for free which I thought was weird and declined.

[Halftime Hope]

Through an odd ministry situation, I became the custodian of a retiree-aged lady's ashes. She had died of an illness that took her before a long lifetime. She had zero family, so I had a plan to take her ashes to be dispersed in a beautiful wilderness spot the next time I traveled in that direction.

Several months after her funeral, an adult biological child of hers turned up, and from looking at the person, it was obvious they were indeed related. This person wanted to know about her -- it was really a tragic situation, as the adult child had not been willing to look for her until after the adoptive parents could no longer be hurt by the knowledge of the adoptee making the connection, and the bio-mom, our older, middle-aged church member, had already passed away. At the end of the bio-child's meeting with several of us that knew her, we offered them her ashes, but they were not sure about taking them. We told them what our plan was, so they would know that even that detail of her life would be taken care of with dignity and care, should they not want the ashes. The next day, they returned for the ashes, and I was glad, because while I cared for her, they were her family, as close as could be had.

My heart still hurts for Mrs B. for the circumstances that led her to such a lonely life. I guess that attachment could be called creepy, but it's hard to explain the ways in which hearts find commonality: I'm so grateful my adoptive brother found and drew his birthmother into our extended family 20 years ago, and that my mother treated his bio-mom as a beloved friend while she was still alive.

Perhaps there is some connection between this carer and the OP's parents that has not come to light. It's not always based on creepiness. 

That said, for the OP, feel free to draw boundaries wherever they are comfortable for you all.

 

[KungFuPanda]

It’s weird and unprofessional. She’d get a compassionate “no” from me. I can imagine a situation where a person can be a wonderful, dedicated, and attached caregiver but much less adept in social situations or having a sophisticated sense of professionalism. I wouldn’t ghost her or stress about the conversation. I’d just say that “we appreciate how much you cared but we will not be dividing the ashes.”

[Janeway]

The answer is no. No way. That is not okay. I just tell her, kindly, as she is clearly grieving too, that it is not what the family has decided to do. I am very sorry for your losses!

[Longtime Lurker]

On 9/29/2023 at 3:50 PM, City Mouse said:

  “I am not prepared to make that decision right now.”

 

I think her request was strange, but I'm really replying because I love your response so much and I plan to remember it for the future.

[City Mouse]

Thanks for everyone’s input. It does help me to know that the general consensus is that I should not feel obligated in any way to honor her unusual request. I think I will just wait and see if she contacts me again. 

[Ausmumof3]

Totally normal to get attached. Asking for the ashes is totally not normal.  Eek 😞 

 

[DawnM]

My cousin kept trying to get me to take some of my favorite aunt's ashes (her mother).   It felt weird to me, although now, I think I would have liked to have done one of those glass art pieces you can get made with it.   But maybe not.  

But that was something SHE asked me, not the other way around.   

I don't think I would be as nice as some here.   I would say, "You want to take a piece of my mom? Which piece did you want?"

My own mom wasn't cremated though.

[katilac]

10 hours ago, City Mouse said:

Thanks for everyone’s input. It does help me to know that the general consensus is that I should not feel obligated in any way to honor her unusual request. I think I will just wait and see if she contacts me again. 

I would go ahead and reply no to the ashes request, because I do think it's polite to answer even very odd questions  from people I have a quasi-relationship with. And you can end it with a good-bye that doesn't invite further messages. 

"We've decided to keep mom's ashes all together and not share them out in any way. Thank you for caring for her these last two years, and best wishes for the future." 

Bonus, I think that makes it less likely that she texts again. 

[*****]

A definite no.  It also seems that in the position that she is in, that the training should involve some discussion of 'not getting too emotionally close' to clients.  I would think this would be a general understanding, that while one can grow very fond of their clients, there is a definite line not to be crossed.  I think this is a very strange request, but you are handling it nicely.   

[HS Mom in NC]

I know several people who divided ashes between loved ones-usually the surviving spouse and adult child(ren) combinations.  Not what I would do, but also not weird at all.

It's very odd for a hired caregiver to request them.  Getting attached isn't strange.