Did your child go off to college and not know a single person on campus?

[Samiam]

We dropped my oldest son off at college for the first time last week and helped him move into his dorm.   This son did attend public high school from 9th-12th.   Although he has always been a bit of an introvert, he did find a nice solid group of good kids for friends (something he always lacked as a homeschooler due to his introvertness).  His college roommate is a friend from school.  The college is a large University just over an hour from home, so there are alot of people from our general area there.  Another friend from school lives on the same floor.  As we were there moving him in, a handful of guys my son and his roommate knew, stopped by to say hi.  My son and his roommate left for a bit to go say hi to some other friends in another building. 

 

Though in the beginning of the college search, this time last year, we were encouraging him to go to a college a bit farther away, out of state, so he could be his own person, be whoever he wanted to be, and not be in that same "box" that he may have been known as within his high school.  But now that we've moved him in, I have to say I feel much more comfortable knowing he already has a community there.   For him especially, because he is a bit reserved (once he warms up he is fine but he is never one to start a conversation with a stranger).   I just don't know how he would have done if he went to a college where he didn't know a single person.    On move-in day, since everyone had their dorm room doors open as they moved in, I could see some people where it did seem like they didn't know anyone...their roommates weren't there yet....they were basically just staying in their room......it was just a whole different thing compared to the traffic coming in and out of my son's room.  I kinda felt bad for those guys.  (Maybe because I am a bit of an introvert as well....I can understand how difficult it can be to put yourself out there in a new environment.).   I did remind my son and his roommate about what others may be going through and ask that they try to include others on the floor when they go participate in campus events over the next few days. 

 

So that got me to thinking.....as of now, we don't plan on putting our two younger boys into public school...the plan is to homeschool all the way through....so they may be the one who doesn't know a single person on campus when the time comes.

 

On the other hand, I know there must be plenty of students in that position and they must survive and make a new circle of life at college.   I know my son's college has a whole bunch of events the first 5 days that are all about getting out and about, and meeting fellow students, etc...but even that I picture as difficult...imagine going to this huge student event and not knowing anyone (I guess you may have  roommate at least).

 

My own college experience was similiar to my son's...lots of local people at a college that wasn't too far from home...so I don't know much different.  It must makes me worry about ANOTHER factor of homeschooling that involves that stupid nagging socialization issue that gets even harder as they move into high school.

 

Has your child went off to college without knowing anyone else there and was able to build a circle of life?  It can happen, right?

Edited August 16, 2016 by Samiam

[Anne]

Both of my children went off to college far, far away from us, and neither of them knew a single soul on their campuses. One of mine is relatively extroverted and the other is somewhat introverted - both of them made solid, long-lasting friendships that continued past their college years. Both were homeschooled through high school.

 

It can be done!!

 

:-)

 

Anne

[Amira]

I went on a study abroad my first semester of college. I didn't know a soul and I was very far from home. It wasn't a problem at all. In fact, it was nice to not know anyone because I wasn't locked into a group of people to spend time with. When I got back, I didn't spend much time at all with people I'd known in high school even though I went to college near my parents' house.

 

My boys will almost certainly not know anyone when they leave for college next year and the year after since they've grown up overseas and always homeschooled. I'm not worried at all that they'll be able to find their place in college. There are so many people from so many different places from so many different backgrounds that they can meet. It might take a little time, but there are plenty of opportunities at college to make a new circle of life.

[Miss Peregrine]

Dd leaves Thursday. She doesn't know anyone. She and some of her roommates have connected online to figure out who is bringing what, but other than that she doesn't know anyone.

[SKL]

I think that's pretty normal.  It wasn't my situation in undergrad, because I went to a regional campus where most of my family were attending including my mom & dad.  :P  But when I went to law school, I knew nobody.  I made friends fairly quickly though.

[gardenmom5]

1dd knew no one when she went off to college 2500 miles from home.

 

2dd knew 1dd. 2dd was in freshman dorms with an assigned roommate.  1dd was a sr. in upper class housing. between her s & jr years,  she took two years off to go to south america, so all of her friends she had made, had graduated before she returned.  

 

eta: 2dd did grad school here, so she didn't know anyone at uni. she only briefly lived at home, then she was sharing a house.

boys are going locally, so live at home.

Edited August 16, 2016 by gardenmom5

[Laura Corin]

I didn't know anyone and neither did my son.  It was fine and we made friends.

[Pawz4me]

DS already had a lot of friends, relatives and acquaintances at his university. But at the beginning of every year (this is his third) when we're helping him move I'm always super impressed by how friendly all the students are. They're walking up to kids they've never seen before and introducing themselves and just in general being very friendly and welcoming to each other. DS is kind of an introverted extrovert and he's had no problem making new friends.

[creekland]

None of my three knew anyone and all have loved their college experience. Friendships made freshman year have lasted (so far).

 

Neither hubby nor I knew anyone when we went to college and we also loved our experience.  We still have good friends too (although we rarely see them except "online").

 

At most US colleges, there are programs in place for freshmen to get to know each other.  My middle son has been an RA (Resident Adviser) for 3 years now and they work hard to make sure no one gets left behind.

 

A HUGE plus for all of us was the ability to define ourselves as we wanted at college.  Back home, people knew our family and who we had been "forever" (more or less).  At college, we could start off being whoever we wanted to be.  Granted, the main points didn't change, but, for myself, I was no longer "so and so's daughter."  I was "me."  With the baggage that came from being "so and so's daughter" it was very liberating.  My guys didn't have that baggage, but they still got to be themselves.

[Carrie12345]

I didn't know anyone.  I had spoken on the phone to my two roommates, twice with one, once with the other.  This was pre-internet-is-normal.  I didn't really click with them, and turned plenty of other strangers into friends.

 

My oldest might have struggled, but he's taken the local CC route, and isn't ready to talk transfer yet.  I don't think he's a genuine introvert, but he has Aspergers.

I think my other two teenagers would be perfectly fine dropped in a whole new environment.  (But I suspect they'll stay close to home/community.)  I consider them more ambiverts than one or the other.

[catz]

I didn't know anyone my freshman year. I admit I very intentionally have my kids do something periodically that is a littlltle out of their comfort zone with a group they don't know. A class, a new group, volunteering, etc. my son has a friend that's so quiet I've hardly ever heard him speak and his mom is always trying to sign her son up for what my kid is doing. It's fine most of the time, but I feel like I need to not have that as the situation all the time.

[Night Elf]

I'll have to let you know how it turns out because we're still at the beginning of it. We dropped my dd off on August 7th. She knew her roommate because they met through a profile match with the housing department. They met in person in the summer during orientation. She knows a handful of people at the college that went to her high school but she isn't friends with any of them. And in fact, was openly feuding with one of them, so that will make for a very unpleasant time if they meet up at school. She has met several people on her dorm hall and has been to eat with a couple of them. For the most part, however, she is lonely. She's not good at meeting new people and it may take her a long time to make friends. Even after 4 years of public high school she only had about 4 or 5 people she could call friends. I wish I could help her. She's coming home this weekend because she's having such a hard time transitioning. She needs her safe home for a couple of days to recharge.

[kewb]

We drop ds off next week for the first time. He doesn't know a soul. And we are all happy that he gets to reinvent himself as he sees fit. No one to remind him of the past and every ridiculous thing he has done.

 

However, he will be swimming for his college and I do think that makes a bit of all difference because the team comes and finds you and welcomes you to campus.

 

He and the room mate he was matched with have texted a few times. His room mate is already there because he does a fall sport. Hopefully, they get along or at least respect one anothers space.

 

I didn't know anyone when I went to college but I commuted from home. Dh knew people but it was a big campus and he never saw them.

 

I think either way the kids find their way.

Edited August 16, 2016 by kewb

[BooksandBoys]

I didn't know anyone.

I also went on a three month study abroad across the ocean in my junior year. I didn't know anyone.

I went to grad school 14 hours from home, again knowing no one.

My husband didn't know anyone when he started college either.

When he started grad school, we had just moved to the new city a few weeks before. He knew me, but that was it.

We are both introverts.

 

I'll admit, I'm not finding these cross country/no friends moves as fun now as an adult with young children (we've had two more in less than 4 years), but when I was young, it was fine. Fun even.

 

Edited to add grad schools.

Edited August 16, 2016 by BooksandBoys

[Kassia]

I didn't know anyone and my oldest son didn't know anyone.  It was fine for both of us.  We both made friends and those friendships will last a lifetime (over 30 years for me).  

 

 

[umsami]

I did.  Not a soul.  Both undergrad and grad school.  I was 17 my freshman year.

 

Studied abroad in high school and college, didn't know a soul.

 

I'm extremely shy and introverted, too. 

Edited August 16, 2016 by umsami

[FaithManor]

Yes. Both of the older ones knew no one, and this is about to happen to boy number three. It happened to me way back in the day as well. Pretty common I think and especially for kids like mine coming from a rural area, small school district, going to big schools like U of Mich and such since most of the local kids do not even apply there.

[EKS]

My son didn't know anyone.  I didn't, and I don't think that my husband did.  I thought that was normal.

[J-rap]

None of us knew a soul -- my dh, me, our four kids who went to college.  Actually, my kids always half-jokingly held that as a prerequisite for the college they chose.  They didn't want to know anyone.  It always worked out fine.

 

One of my dd's is quite an introvert.  She really struggled at her first college.  Her roommate was very sweet but was an athlete and that pretty much consumed her life, so my dd was often alone.  My dd just could not gain a foothold there.  (For a number of reasons.)

 

She transferred to a second college the second year, but again, even despite her first year's experience, she wanted to go somewhere where she knew no one.  It was hard at first!  She had days where she never left her room (on weekends) until I challenged her to sit in the library in a public area and read or draw or whatever, even if she didn't talk to anyone!   :)

 

It took a long time, but eventually she and her roommates (she had 3) became best friends (they were ALL introverts!) and the rest of the year went really well.  This year she gets to return to college for the first time (as a junior) knowing some people, living with her same 3 roommates, and much more confident and excited.  But she STILL would never have changed starting college where she knew no one.  She really wanted that experience of doing it alone and feeling like she was starting fresh, and like it was a real adventure.

[Cinder]

I went thousands of miles away to school and knew no one. Fortunately my roommate and I hit it off. On our first day her parents invited me out to dinner with them which really helped break the ice. We became great friends and roomed 3 of 4 years together; the one year apart she was an RA. I was also in AFROTC and quickly made most of my good friends there.

 

Ds1 also went off without really knowing anyone even though he went to a local college. He'd gone to a small private school for high school and had one good friend there but that guy went to a different college. There was one guy from church who went to the same college as ds1 but they weren't good friends. They went to different high schools and were more akin to acquaintances than friends. Ds1 commuted and at times I felt bad for him because all during his first year he didn't have any new friends. I wondered if things would be different if he lived on campus. Anyway, ds1 and church guy have a couple mutual friends from church that occasionally did things together so they stayed in touch and have since become better friends. Ds1 still doesn't have friends at school--except this guy--but he recently started a co-op job and has already made friends there.

 

Both ds1 and I are introverts and don't make friends easily. But in the right situation we have each been able to develop good friendships.

Edited August 16, 2016 by Cinder

[Bluegoat]

I only lived in at school my second year, but at that point, I actually knew no one.  My first year, I lived at home and knew a few people I went to high school with.

 

Despite being a shy introvert and somewhat prone to social anxiety, it was actually much better when I didn't know anyone and was living in. 

 

In my first year, I pretty much hung out with the few people I did know, who weren't necessarily people I was close to.  They were also day students, and we all went home at the end of the day.  I didn't get to know anyone else well, and those friendships didn't really change either.

 

In my second year, I had to get to know people, I had to make a little effort to find things to do, go places in the evening, even if it was just a book group.  I got to know the girls on my floor, and some other people, just from being together so much.  I met a lot more people who I shared real interests with.

[Hilda]

Knowing no one at college was not a problem. It was easy to make friends because almost everyone was in a similar situation (and the Residence Life Program means that there are people who were paid to basic ally make sure students had a social life!)

 

It was much much much more difficult when I got my first job/apartment. There was no movies on the green, or picnics at the presidents house to go meet people, and the people around me were in so many different stages of life.

[regentrude]

DD did not really know anybody at the college.

She attended a meet&greet of admitted students in the city 100 miles from us and met a girl with whom she decided to room.

She joined the facebook group for incoming freshmen the summer before starting and met one guy in person over the summer.

She became friends with neither of those people, and it took her a few months to develop close friendships.

Edited August 16, 2016 by regentrude

[OneStepAtATime]

My kids aren't old enough yet but I went off to college not knowing anyone. Took until my sophomore year to find a group I solidly connected with but most of us have remained friends all these years. They are a great group of people. And the people I got to know my freshman year were fine. I just didn't click with them as completely as the group I met the following year.

 

My brother is an introvert but when he went off to college several states away and knew no one at all he still made friends and loved his time at that school.

[Jane in NC]

Personally I think it is far better to know no one than to room with a friend from high school.  Young adults are often redefining themselves in college.  Finding new friends is part of the deal.

 

My son attended college in a different region of the country.  Within a month or two he had not only found a friend group but someone who has become his best buddy. 

[Dmmetler]

I deliberately picked a college where I knew no one and no one had any preconceived notions about who I was. The reason was that I'd grown up in a relatively small college town, and had been in school with many of the same kids since kindergarten (and at that, I was the "new kid" because I'd moved in just before K. Most of the other kids had been together since preachool or earlier-my next door neighbor's best friend had been in the hospital nursery at the same time!). When I started taking college classes locally, most of the professors were people I'd known equally as long-they'd been Sunday school teachers, Girl Scout leaders, field trip chaperones, and friends' parents.

 

The result was that every interaction was based on that knowledge. I'd been the special Ed kid through school, mainstreamed, but different. If I'd gone to one of the local colleges/Unis, as many of my classmates did, that baggage would have been there. And whether it really would have been present or not, I had the same fear about pretty much every other college in the region-that it wouldn't be a clean start.

 

I wanted to leave that behind. So, I took a scholarship at a school 3/4 of the way across the US, where no one from my high school had ever attended before. There were hiccups, but by being so far away, I had the chance to spread my wings a bit and make decisions and choices, and just plain grow up a bit, while still having the support of a dorm, meal plan, etc. And yes, I made friends-many of which I'm still in contact with.

 

 

FWIW, three years later, my brother selected a university closer to home, although not in our hometown. The first thing his RA said when he met my brother was "OH, I was in all state band with your sister". Definitely validated my choice to go far away!

Edited August 16, 2016 by dmmetler

[Guest]

..

Edited August 20, 2016 by Heigh Ho

[Ravin]

I attended a dual-enrollment program 6 hours from home my junior year of high school. Despite being introverted I still made friends. Ditto 3 duty stations in the Navy, and college after the Navy (both in my home town years after anyone I'd gone to high school with had graduated, and in Arizona where I knew no one but DH).

 

The key for me was connecting with people through common interests/hobbies.

[TranquilMind]

Mine knew no one.  One was in another country, so also had the language issue (fluent, but you miss idioms and expressions if you aren't a native).

 

Yes, they can make it work out.  They have to sink or swim and it is all on them. 

[JustEm]

I didn't know anyone and I went to the University in my town! All my friends went away for college. I lived in the dorms the first semester just for the experience. The first day I felt incredibly lonely and scared. It took every ounce of my being not to simply walk home, it took 10 minutes, to be with my family. I went to an event for freshmen and felt completely out of place because it seemed like everyone either knew someone or had no problem meeting people. I left the event early and went back to my dorm to cry, still forcing myself not to go home. At 11pm my roommate came home and I already knew I wouldn't enjoy spending time with her so I went to the basement. 6 girls were sitting in a circle on the floor of a rec room just talking. I sucked it up and decided now was the time to step out of my comfort zone. I'm still best friends with 2 of those girls. One is my son's godmother. She will always be in my life. I'm so thankful I stuck it out and didn't run crying to my family. I'm also so thankful I didn't know anyone because it forced me to find some that night.

[Matryoshka]

I knew no one when I went to college (even though it was state flagship, about 2 hrs away from home).  Actually, I did 'know' some people there, but they were acquaintances, and I was way too shy at that point in my life to just seek someone out or drop in or 'bug' them.  It took me about a semester to meet people, and then I was fine.

 

One of my twins will know no one at her university.  It's only a bit over an hour away, but it's not the flagship and most people are from down that part of the state (weird, north and south of the state don't mix much here, small as it is...)  But I have no worries about her and friends.  She's an extrovert and makes friends like breathing.

 

The other one is my introvert.  She's going much closer to home.  Her best friend (homeschooled) will also be attending the same university, in the same major.  But the friend will not be living on campus (commuting), and will not be taking any of the same classes because this is my one dd who went to ps for high school, and her friend did CC and is taking sophomore level classes even though she's younger.  But they'll see each other on campus, I'm sure.  And dd has met her roommate, who lives about 1/2 hour south of us.  She just invited dd to a concert last week, and dd slept over and met her cats and roommate's twin sister (they're both twins!).  

 

 

[OH_Homeschooler]

Another one who went off to college all by myself. I was shy, and I was homesick, but it was the best thing I could have done. I didn't even get to go home until Thanksgiving my first year of college, but that turned out to be really good for me. It forced me to find friends, and of course, they're still the best friends I could ask for.

[maize]

College is an easy place to make friends for most kids.

[chocolatechip]

I think it's more common to not know anyone than the reverse. It comes with the territory. Everyone feels awkward and a little (or a lot) uncomfortable, but it will be okay, people will meet each other and make friends. 

[dirty ethel rackham]

My oldest didn't know a soul when he first went to college.  He is an introvert and I worried about him making friends.  I did encourage him to go to his dorm meetings and make an effort to meet people and I encouraged him to attend the activities fair and all of the orientation activities.  He did fine.  His roommate made my kid look gregarious in comparison.  He ended up rooming with his first roommate his entire time there (2 years in a dorm and 2 years in an apartment with 2 other people.)  

 

My next kid is also an introvert.  This kid didn't know anyone on campus either, but managed to make some friends online through the school's incoming freshman facebook group.

 

[HSmomof2]

We dropped my oldest son off at college for the first time last week and helped him move into his dorm. This son did attend public high school from 9th-12th. Although he has always been a bit of an introvert, he did find a nice solid group of good kids for friends (something he always lacked as a homeschooler due to his introvertness). His college roommate is a friend from school. The college is a large University just over an hour from home, so there are alot of people from our general area there. Another friend from school lives on the same floor. As we were there moving him in, a handful of guys my son and his roommate knew, stopped by to say hi. My son and his roommate left for a bit to go say hi to some other friends in another building.

 

Though in the beginning of the college search, this time last year, we were encouraging him to go to a college a bit farther away, out of state, so he could be his own person, be whoever he wanted to be, and not be in that same "box" that he may have been known as within his high school. But now that we've moved him in, I have to say I feel much more comfortable knowing he already has a community there. For him especially, because he is a bit reserved (once he warms up he is fine but he is never one to start a conversation with a stranger). I just don't know how he would have done if he went to a college where he didn't know a single person. On move-in day, since everyone had their dorm room doors open as they moved in, I could see some people where it did seem like they didn't know anyone...their roommates weren't there yet....they were basically just staying in their room......it was just a whole different thing compared to the traffic coming in and out of my son's room. I kinda felt bad for those guys. (Maybe because I am a bit of an introvert as well....I can understand how difficult it can be to put yourself out there in a new environment.). I did remind my son and his roommate about what others may be going through and ask that they try to include others on the floor when they go participate in campus events over the next few days.

 

So that got me to thinking.....as of now, we don't plan on putting our two younger boys into public school...the plan is to homeschool all the way through....so they may be the one who doesn't know a single person on campus when the time comes.

 

On the other hand, I know there must be plenty of students in that position and they must survive and make a new circle of life at college. I know my son's college has a whole bunch of events the first 5 days that are all about getting out and about, and meeting fellow students, etc...but even that I picture as difficult...imagine going to this huge student event and not knowing anyone (I guess you may have roommate at least).

 

My own college experience was similiar to my son's...lots of local people at a college that wasn't too far from home...so I don't know much different. It must makes me worry about ANOTHER factor of homeschooling that involves that stupid nagging socialization issue that gets even harder as they move into high school.

 

Has your child went off to college without knowing anyone else there and was able to build a circle of life? It can happen, right?

My children aren't college age, but I went to a large university (40,000 students) where I didn't know anyone. It was lonely and terrifying for the first couple months. But, yes, I did make new friends and had a nice social life there. Met dh there right before our senior year.

[Guest]

I went to college in a state where I didn't know a single soul, no anyone for about 2000 miles in any direction. It worked out just fine, and the separation was actually a good thing. I do make friends easily though :)

[Amy in NH]

Yes.  My introverted homeschool graduate went to college 10 hours from home in a large state where they didn't know a single person.  They love it there, and are still attending.

Edited August 16, 2016 by Amy in NH

[mommyoffive]

I went away to school and didn't know a soul.  Hard adjustment.  But by christmas I didn't want to come home.

 

I wanted to go some place I didn't know anyone.  I don't know why though.

[NancyNellen]

Yep. Twice.

[Pam in CT]

I didn't know a single person at the college I went to, or my masters' degree program later, and made friends easily and quickly both times.  My eldest didn't know a soul at either the first university she went to (in the UK), or the second into which she transferred (in New York), and made friends easily and quickly both times.  All three kids have gone off to residential camps and summer programs at which they knew no one, and did fine.

 

The vast majority of people at most residential colleges, are in the same boat.  Everyone's looking to form friendships at the same time.

[Guest]

I don't think it's a big deal or even unusual. That scenario will also likely repeat in many other settings, such as moving to a new city, starting a new job, joining a club/organization/house of worship. I am an introvert, but I have had many instances of beginning afresh somewhere new in which I did not know a soul and/or had no idea what to expect. It is a healthy thing to learn to navigate.

[Farrar]

I didn't know anyone. Neither did dh. That doesn't seem weird to me at all. Isn't that the norm if you go away to school? I know that for kids who attend their nearest state school or local cc, they're likely to know several people, but for anyone who heads off to a traditional four year liberal arts college away from home, it's unlikely we'll know a single soul except maybe a roommate that you "meet" via email beforehand (I exchanged one letter with mine before I got to school).

[lllll]

nm

Edited August 19, 2016 by ~ d9n

[Ali in OR]

I went to a college full of people who didn't know each other! This is probably the case at colleges that pull students from across the nation and are hard to get into. It was a lot of fun getting to know everyone (and I'm an introvert too). Loved my freshman dorm. I was just telling my dd yesterday that I loved going off to a college where no one knew me and no one had a preconceived notion of what I was like..."oh, that's the shy one."

[Guest]

I went to a college full of people who didn't know each other! This is probably the case at colleges that pull students from across the nation and are hard to get into. It was a lot of fun getting to know everyone (and I'm an introvert too). Loved my freshman dorm. I was just telling my dd yesterday that I loved going off to a college where no one knew me and no one had a preconceived notion of what I was like..."oh, that's the shy one."

Yes...there was a young student at the CC when I was recently taking classes and she said she wanted to move to another state, even if she would still be in a CC, not a four year school. When I asked why, she said, "This place is like high school on repeat. I know so many kids here and it's like I have to still stay in this mold I had from high school. I want to be somewhere nobody has ideas about what I'm like. Somewhere with no baggage."

[AK_Mom4]

I went to college where I knew no one. Then I did graduate school where I knew no one.

 

DS24 knew one person that he met a few weeks before leaving for college.

DD22 had met a professor at the school one time. She knew no students.

 

We all had good experiences and met new people and made new friends.

[Peaceful Isle]

My daughter already has her plans on which college she wants to go to, and it's far away :'(

 

She is trying to convince some friends to go there too, lol, but most likely she will be a lone lonely loner. All alone. ;) It doesn't seem to phase her at all. She went to camp this last summer, all alone, and had tons of friends by the time the week was done. I'm not worried. Kids are so flexible and can make friends so fast, unlike us oldies :)

Edited August 17, 2016 by Peacefulisle

[Bluegoat]

I don't think it's a big deal or even unusual. That scenario will also likely repeat in many other settings, such as moving to a new city, starting a new job, joining a club/organization/house of worship. I am an introvert, but I have had many instances of beginning afresh somewhere new in which I did not know a soul and/or had no idea what to expect. It is a healthy thing to learn to navigate.

 

In my experience of those scenarios, people going away to school really have it easiest.  Lots of other people of similar age, in similar programs, all kinds of activities, social gatherings, sports, many people with no social group or spouse - and often you are living and eating with the same people every day as well.

 

I think when people get into working or moving to new places as adults they often have a much harder time building close friendships.

[Spryte]

DS didn't know anyone.  

 

I moved 1,500 miles, and didn't know anyone.  I didn't live on campus either.  But met one of my lifetime best friends at orientation - huge required event.  We laughed at the ridiculous bonding exercises they had us do.  

 

It's common not to know anyone at college, I thought.