linders Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 Dear brother has been ill for some time, although he deliberately didn't tell the our family (except his wife) how ill - liver cancer. Four days ago I got a call from DSIL that DB had been rushed to the hospital and she told all. I got life at home reorganized and flew across country to see DB, who was moved to hospice while I was flying. 24 hours later he passed away, but at least I got to talk to him a bit first, then visit with/support my mom and other brother who live in the same city. I was gone for 3-1/2 days, missing DS12's play performance, DS15's swim meet, and several Christmas activities we had planned. I do not at all regret going or missing those things, but... DSIL has decided the funeral must be this coming Saturday. For me, that would mean flying all day Friday - again - the funeral Saturday (with her family and their friends whom I have never met), and flying home all day Sunday. (We don't live in a main hub, flying anywhere is 1 or 2 stops.) Assuming I can get tickets. All on the weekend before Christmas, a busy travel weekend. My mom and my other brother have both said "Don't come, it's fine! We just saw you!" My SIL has said "You were already here when it mattered and I needed you!" My immediate family would really like some time with me that weekend. So why do I feel guilty at the idea of not attending? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 You feel guilty because he was your brother and you feel like you should be there. But your family is right -- you were there when it mattered most -- so if it's going to be very difficult to fly back and forth again, I don't think you should feel guilty about staying home. You can remember your brother anywhere you are, and I am sure you will be thinking of him every day. The funeral is just a formality. I'm so sorry about your brother. :grouphug: 30 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 … My mom and my other brother have both said "Don't come, it's fine! We just saw you!" My SIL has said "You were already here when it mattered and I needed you!" My immediate family would really like some time with me that weekend. … :iagree: I can't help you with your question; I hope someone else can. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hornblower Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 I would stay home, light a candle, & tell your children stories of their uncle. 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 I would stay home, light a candle, & tell your children stories of their uncle. This is an excellent idea! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lmrich Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 so sorry Plan your own private memorial and tribute to your brother. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ethel Mertz Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 I totally agree with Cat. You were there when it mattered. Many can't afford to fly two trips in a row. FWIW, I spent the better part of two weeks by my mother's side before she died. My siblings (who were local) didn't have a funeral for her. They just put her ashes in a columbarium two months later. I did not fly out for that, but I did have a funeral here for my mother. Thirteen of my friends attended and I felt like I had honored my mother in a way that she would like. You could do something similar for your brother - maybe not a full blown funeral, but even a way of remembering what he meant to you - either with friends of yours or by yourself. Please don't let guilt get to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 I would go, but I don't think you should feel bad if you don't. A funeral may help you gain some closure, and you may help someone else, too. Or maybe there's another way for that to happen. It's ok, either way. You cannot make a bad decision in this one, because there is no wrong or right, only what you feel in your gut, and what you can find peace with. Remember, you are grieving, so the decision you make has to take that into account. Be gentle with yourself. I'm so sorry for your loss. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gingersmom Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 I'm so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 You did what you could, when you could. I don't think you should kill yourself to make this happen. Really. I am so, so sorry for your loss. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 I agree, stay home. It is wonderful that you were there when it mattered most and that your remaining family supports your not making a second trip for the funeral. Spend that time thinking of your brother and telling your kids stories about his life. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trulycrabby Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 I am so sorry. Stay home. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 If you cannot be there, do not feel guilty. If you feel like YOU need to be there, see if you can make it work. We buried my dad just over a week ago. Family came from different parts of the country. My mom was grateful but would have understood if someone could not have made it, especially if they had been there recently. We had over a year to prepare ourselves emotionally, but we were all so numb and exhausted that those who sent flowers or cards or called were just as welcomed as those who made the trip. Your presence does not have to be physical. Kind gestures like flowers or cards are felt just as deeply. I am sorry for your loss. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 Awww sweetie....be thankful your SIL and FOO aren't making you feel bad for not going. I am sorry for your loss. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaz Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 If you can in any way afford to go, I think you should try. You don't have peace about staying home right now. I'm sorry for your loss. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mims Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 Do you have anybody techy who can set it up so you can watch it? If you and your family can watch the service you might like that connection. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karen A Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 Everyone needs support/grieves differently, but after a very significant loss in my life several years ago, a dear friend skipped the funeral (with good reason, similar to yours) and came to visit a month later, when I still really needed love and support, and all the craziness was over. If I remember correctly, she asked what I'd rather have her do, so she did have my "permission" to skip the service. Could that be an option, unless going to the funeral would be better for YOUR grief experience? 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 Everyone needs support/grieves differently, but after a very significant loss in my life several years ago, a dear friend skipped the funeral (with good reason, similar to yours) and came to visit a month later, when I still really needed love and support, and all the craziness was over. If I remember correctly, she asked what I'd rather have her do, so she did have my "permission" to skip the service. Could that be an option, unless going to the funeral would be better for YOUR grief experience? I think going next month, when things have settled down, to maybe help your sister sort through his things, or just be there, when things are not crazy, to talk and grieve together is a wonderful idea. I do NOT think you should feel guilty. Given that he hid his illness I think it is very clear he did NOT want to be a burden or disrupt your life. Honor those wishes. I think he would want you to be with your children right now, from what his actions indicate. Maybe donate the cost of the flight, or part of it, to a charity in his honor. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 I'm so, so sorry for your loss and for the suddeness of it all. :grouphug: Listen to your SIL and your mom. I agree that possibly going later when you can be there to help your mom and/or your SIL is a lovely idea and probably gesture more meaningful than being at the funeral. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 Sorry for your loss. You would be attending for yourself and others...the others have said you don't need to be there for them. That leaves the question of *you*...what would be best for *you* as you grieve your loss? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 This happened to me with my grandmother. I was there to take care of her and she died within days of our returning home. I could not go back (overseas) but I got to talk to my grandmother and she saw me and knew who I was. I sent flowers for the funeral. Everyone knew I had just been there and nobody expected to see at the funeral. Yes, it's hard when you sit at home and you know where the rest of the family is and what is happening but your brother is really not at the funeral either, kwim? There were several excellent suggestions by previous posters, including going back in January / February to help out with anything needed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 I think you should do what makes you feel the best. Down the road you might really regret not going, or not. That's what you have to figure out. I know that for me, getting together with everyone at a funeral has a certain value to it that is important. Not everyone feels that way, and not everyone gathers the way the people I know do, and you have to judge that for yourself. It's totally worth it to go FOR YOURSELF if you want to, and it's perfectly fine not to go if you don't want to. I'm sorry for your loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
linders Posted December 14, 2015 Author Share Posted December 14, 2015 I would stay home, light a candle, & tell your children stories of their uncle. I like this, thanks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
linders Posted December 14, 2015 Author Share Posted December 14, 2015 If you cannot be there, do not feel guilty. If you feel like YOU need to be there, see if you can make it work. We buried my dad just over a week ago. Family came from different parts of the country. My mom was grateful but would have understood if someone could not have made it, especially if they had been there recently. We had over a year to prepare ourselves emotionally, but we were all so numb and exhausted that those who sent flowers or cards or called were just as welcomed as those who made the trip. Your presence does not have to be physical. Kind gestures like flowers or cards are felt just as deeply. I am sorry for your loss. I'm sorry for the loss of your dad. Thanks for your thoughts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
linders Posted December 14, 2015 Author Share Posted December 14, 2015 I think going next month, when things have settled down, to maybe help your sister sort through his things, or just be there, when things are not crazy, to talk and grieve together is a wonderful idea. I do NOT think you should feel guilty. Given that he hid his illness I think it is very clear he did NOT want to be a burden or disrupt your life. Honor those wishes. I think he would want you to be with your children right now, from what his actions indicate. Maybe donate the cost of the flight, or part of it, to a charity in his honor. Interesting, I hadn't thought about it from the perspective of what he would want. Thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
linders Posted December 14, 2015 Author Share Posted December 14, 2015 Everyone needs support/grieves differently, but after a very significant loss in my life several years ago, a dear friend skipped the funeral (with good reason, similar to yours) and came to visit a month later, when I still really needed love and support, and all the craziness was over. If I remember correctly, she asked what I'd rather have her do, so she did have my "permission" to skip the service. Could that be an option, unless going to the funeral would be better for YOUR grief experience? They are spreading the ashes a couple of months later - going with them might be a great way to support and spend time with them. I think after the funeral is over, the people are gone, there is going to be a let down and a "what now?" 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 When my brother died my dearest friend asked me if I would rather she come for his ashes-scattering (when there were going to be some other family here) or what did I want her to do? I jumped at the chance to have her come later when things were quieter, we could talk, etc. My brother died in May, and she came out in July for a visit that was wonderful. If you need to go for yourself, of course do it. But if you think you need to go for family, listen to what they are telling you. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 No - I wouldn't feel guilty about not going. you really were there when it mattered more. you were able to support your dsil when the reality was hitting the fan and everyone else was learning what had been being hid. she will have your mother, and her family there during the funeral. if you can, go visit again in jan or so. when everyone else will have gone home, and she'll still need support. call, drop notes, etc. - 30 days out, 60 days out, etc. when most offers of support start to taper off as people move on with their lives, but the need is still there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 They are spreading the ashes a couple of months later - going with them might be a great way to support and spend time with them. I think after the funeral is over, the people are gone, there is going to be a let down and a "what now?" this. the few weeks between my mother's death, and her memorial service (we delayed it so a niece could come.) I was in charge of everything, my brother was being a pita, and it was very intense. I'd been living on adrenalin. for weeks. when it was over, I wanted (needed) to collapse. I told dh to take me away, I had to go somewhere just to get the tension out. (I made the mistake of opening an e-mail from my brother the first day. sigh.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamiof5 Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 I am so sorry about your brother!! So glad you could go see him one last time. Please don't let the guilt make things harder for you. Grieve your loss at home, together with your loved ones. If you are religious, pray for his soul and your mom and other family members. As others mentioned, you really went when it mattered most. Years ago we had this exact same situation with dh's grandma... but for us the funeral was just a 7hr drive (which made it harder not to go), but we had a few littles to tag along. Family was very reassuring and made it clear we weren't expected to go, we had just made the trip to see her before she passed. We felt bad, but ended not going. Again, so sorry for your loss!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacia Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kroe1 Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 Guilt is something we feel when we make choices we believe are wrong. You must ask yourself which guilt will stay with me longest, the guilt from missing my brother's funeral or the guilt from missing a family weekend. However, with the advances in communication, can someone just FaceTime you to the funeral? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StaceyinLA Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 I have no words of wisdom, but am very sorry for your loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 (edited) Stay home. The people in your house probably need the reassurance of your presence and your SIL has excused you. Funeral manners developed in a time when families lived reasonably close by. Edited December 14, 2015 by Rosie_0801 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 They are spreading the ashes a couple of months later - going with them might be a great way to support and spend time with them. I think after the funeral is over, the people are gone, there is going to be a let down and a "what now?" Yes, this is when you should go, in my totally not worth anything opinion. You can spend time with your family then, and plan it so you can have more time than a day. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pippen Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 (edited) If you can't go I would ask someone to set up skype, facetime, streaming, etc. for the funeral so I could "be there" for the service in real time. ETA: If it were my brother--and especially if we were close--I would want to be at the funeral if at all possible. I would regret not being there, even if all the arguments in my head said it was rational to skip, and my family were all ok with my not being there. Edited December 14, 2015 by Pippen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanny Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 If you were in the same city, or nearby, I'm sure that you would attend the funeral, but under the circumstances, what you did was much better, for your brother, your family and for you. Try not to feel guilty about not attending the funeral. I hope your brother did not suffer. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 You were there when you were most needed, and everyone is understanding about your staying home. I think that's what you should do, if you're comfortable with that. You can always return later when things aren't so hectic and when your support would be just as appreciated (probably even more appreciated), or you could even invite your SIL to come stay with you for a few days once things have calmed down, and she feels a need to just get away for awhile. Do they have children? I'm very sorry. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jrn Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 I don't think you should feel guilty. But, if you can go, I think you should. Because I think in the future there is a good chance that you will regret not going. I don't know you well enough to know for sure, but I think it's likely. If you think you can skip it without long-term regret, then skip it. But if you aren't sure, I would go. Yes, it will cost, and it will be a hassle, but I think you'll be able to live with that better than not going. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeterPan Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 Alternate thought. Take the whole family. That way they get time with you, and you get to go. No, I would not stay home just on the "my family needs me" thing, because this is an unusual situation. They're 12 and 15 and will survive. If it was finances or health or something, that would be different. If you started early, you could actually drive it together maybe, have an adventure of it. It would definitely be something to remember. I missed a funeral years ago, thinking my presence didn't matter, and I later realized it would have. It's a mistake I didn't make again. Having that ash spreading time could substitute for that, absolutely. But me, I'd make the effort to go and call it a christmas present. I've heard it's common that women will redecorate their homes and make major changes after the death of a spouse, just to keep themselves busy. That "what now" feeling might not hit for a while if she goes into some frenetic activity like that. I know I've been suggesting all sorts of projects (quiet, little ones, nevertheless projects) to keep my MIL busy. I think Chris is right that your family will be fine with it either way. You might find it healing for yourself if there was a lot of emotion to that relationship. If you're close, you might be the one to stand with your SIL. It's a lonely place to be and she might not realize how much she needs that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 I wouldn't go unless you really want to. My MIL died right after we got home after being there and being told that she was going to pull through. Only DH went, but she had wanted him to speak. It was tough financially, and we had little kids then. Several of his siblings didn't come either because we had all just been there with her. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 They are spreading the ashes a couple of months later - going with them might be a great way to support and spend time with them. I think after the funeral is over, the people are gone, there is going to be a let down and a "what now?" Yes, grief comes and goes. Most people focus on right after losing a loved one, but the reality is that there will be other times when it is hard where people aren't going to be there. My uncle died in June and we finally got him buried in August (difficult situation). I cried when the VA notified me that they had placed the headstone in October, and then again when a volunteer sent me a picture of it. And I cried when I got an email that they had put a wreath on his grave Saturday. That's how grief is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
knoxinsox Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 My grandmother passed away a week ago Sunday, and there was no way I could manage a flight this time of year. I would have had to take the kids, so that tripled the cost, and hubby's work schedule is insane this time of year, he's working 7 days a week, 14 hours a day, and couldn't take off to watch the kids. I was able to conference in at the church to listen to the funeral from home. Would you have an option for something like that? It made me feel more a part of it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valley Girl Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 Linders, I am so sorry for your loss. The people in your extended family who matter the most in this situation--your mother, your other brother, and, most of all, your widowed SIL--have all said that it isn't necessary for you to fly back. To a one, they all acknowledge their appreciation for your being there when it really counted. Don't underestimate the greater value of that. I understand the feeling guilty, but it's not warranted. Hug your own little family close and take some of the good suggestions that have been made to memorialize your brother at home. Keep in frequent touch by phone, and plan a visit back later. Once the initial shock has worn off and all the sympathic friends have gone back to their lives, I'll bet your extended family will really appreciate that future visit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 My grandmother passed away a week ago Sunday, and there was no way I could manage a flight this time of year. I would have had to take the kids, so that tripled the cost, and hubby's work schedule is insane this time of year, he's working 7 days a week, 14 hours a day, and couldn't take off to watch the kids. I was able to conference in at the church to listen to the funeral from home. Would you have an option for something like that? It made me feel more a part of it. I'm very sorry about your grandmother. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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