Should I go to my high school reunion?

[kentuckymom]

My 20th high school reunion is coming up next month, and I'm really torn about whether or not to go. It's on a Saturday evening at a bar in my hometown, about an 8 hour drive away. The location means that kids aren't welcome. Spouses are welcome, but DH and Squirrelboy will be at the Webelos Woods campout that weekend, so I'd be making the trip alone with Kittygirl. My mom would absolutely love keeping her for the evening, so that's not a problem.

 

Part of me would like to go. I haven't seen most of my former classmates since the end of my junior year, because I spent my senior year as an exchange student in Sweden.

 

Part of has no interest in going because I didn't like most of them at all. In fact, most of them either ignored me entirely or bullied me. Half the reason I spent my senior year abroad was to escape from those people.

 

One of the few real friends I had just announced on Facebook that she's going, so I'm tempted to go just to see her. The last time we got together Kittygirl was a baby. I'm also curious to know how the people I remember turned out. Surely, 20 years on, they've matured and have gotten over their pettiness.

 

I also have to admit I'm a little nervous and self conscious. I won't have my attractive, outgoing husband with me to break the ice. I don't have a career to brag about. I'm just an overeducated stay at home mom. I can't even brag that I have the supreme patience and wisdom of a homeschooling mom :).

 

So what's the verdict, hive? Would you go?

[Starr]

You could meet up with your friend for dinner beforehand and go together until everyone is too drunk to talk . :D

[SKL]

Personally, I would not. 

 

• I never attend any event that is focused on drinking.  I don't drink and have zero fun in such environments.
• I went to my 5yr law school reunion and I already could hardly recognize anyone.  It was a complete waste of time.
• You don't even like those people.
• Think of all the better things you could do with that time and money.

 

I'd try to have coffee another time with the friend you do remember.

[RebeccaS]

Nope.  Sounds a lot like my memories of school.  I'd get together with my friend.  That's about it.  

[marbel]

I went to my 10-year reunion. I had been told by others who had gone before me that by 10 years people had changed enough that the clique boundaries would have been erased and it would be fun.  Well, it was awful.  All the cliques were still in place.  The people who had been popular still wouldn't talk to me.  I got stuck at a table with the few people I'd hung out with in high school.  I had changed a lot; they had apparently not.  I scandalized them all by being the only one to ask for a glass of wine. (ETA: a glass, not getting crazy drunk - just clarifying as drunkenness has been mentioned!)   After that experience, I've never looked back.

 

(On the other hand, my sister, who had been popular in high school and loved it, went to all her reunions and had a great time. Some things never change.)

[Ottakee]

Could you make a fun longer weekend out of it with your daughter and mom too? If so, then I might go if the reunion was just part of the weekend but I doubt I would go just for the reunion.

 

I went to my 20 year old and was really bored.  They had a cash bar so many people were well on their way to intoxication the first hour.  The friends I hung out with didn't come so it was a waste of my time and money.  I would love to see some of the people again..............just not in a place where it turns out to be a highschool party drunk fest

[Prairie~Phlox]

Nope, no interest in going and never will. Now I have been to dh's class reunions and have had a blast, but they are usually weekend get aways and he had a totally different hs experience as he was at an academy and lived with everyone for two years.

[Plateau Mama]

I went to my 10 and 20. I sort of enjoyed my 10, didn't care for my 20. I'm not going to my 30. With Facebook I don't see the need for reunions anymore. Anyone I'm remotely interested in I am FB friends with.

[kewb]

 

 

One of the few real friends I had just announced on Facebook that she's going, so I'm tempted to go just to see her. The last time we got together Kittygirl was a baby. I'm also curious to know how the people I remember turned out. Surely, 20 years on, they've matured and have gotten over their pettiness.

 

 

 

No, they have not matured and gotten over their pettiness.  A handful may have but the majority has not. Is an evening of your life worth sacrificing to satisfy your curiosity?  Thanks to facebook you can stalk their profiles and see what they look like now.

 

You didn't like these people then and it is doubtable you are going to like them now. Make plans to meet up with your friend.

[DawnM]

Given your description, no. Dh's high school experience was much the same and he won't go to his.

 

He much prefers to go to mine.

[shawthorne44]

I went to my 10th and I regretted it.  Even though it wasn't bad.  I talked to a few people I liked in High School.  But, no one I really wanted to spend a lot of time with.  

[milovany]

I just went to my 30th last weekend, and I say go.  I went alone also, but I only had to drive two hours, not eight. I've always gone to all our reunions.  Just for perspective's sake, I was on the outer fringe of the popular group so maybe that colors my perspective.  No bullying.  That said, I don't know, hopefully people have changed enough to realize they were jerks in high school (self included!) and are better at relationships now.  That was my experience this year anyway -- maybe another 10 years (30 instead of 20) helped.  I talked with people I didn't really hang out with in high school this time, and loved it.  Not everyone that was there, but some.  The kid who was badly bullied in our class attended, and people were SO nice to him.  We know we were jerks, and we're more grown up now and attempt to make up for it I think. Some have maybe even apologized; I wouldn't know as that'd be between him and them (I don't recall being in on bullying him). It was a small town and I went to school with these people for 13 years, and I do enjoy seeing them again.  I don't keep in touch with any of them, hardly, beyond the reunions.  Even my best friend who lives only 25 minutes from me now is someone I rarely see.  We connect at these events.  It's part of my history and I don't have a problem staying in touch with it/them. 

 

ETA -- I recall being disappointed this time at how few people attended especially because many of them still live there. We had 32 out of 107 from our graduating class there.  Many of my friends, many in my "circle," chose not to attend even though they were close by and I would really have loved to see them again.  I can only guess as to why they wouldn't come -- and all I can come to (and I'm probably wrong still!) is that they don't have good memories and think it will be more of the same.  I like to think people have changed and learned to relate better and there can be a lot of good times that come from the connecting again. 

[unsinkable]

I'm going to predict 80% of respondents will say NO.

 

I'm going to say YES, if only so you and your DD see your family and you get to meet up with your true friend.

[ashfern]

I did not go to my most recent 25th reunion. I would have gone if I had more than 6 weeks notice and it wasn't at a bar. The only notice was Facebook so a lot of people didn't even know about it. And school already started for us (eldest has an activity that it based on our county school schedule). A 12 hour drive to spend the night at a bar. No thank you! 

[Liz CA]

I should not really comment since I did not attend HS in the US but if I had been a person who had been bullying people, I should think I would be the one who would feel awkward if those came that I treated badly. I would probably spend the evening apologizing. If you were the one bullied, (and you decide to go) walk in with your head held high and don't be shy about telling people about your educational overqualifications, your wildly successful and handsome dh and your gifted children!  :)

 

Anyway, 8 hours is a LONG trip if you are not 100% into it unless you combine it with a weekend visit to grandma and plan some other activities so the reunion is not the focus but rather a side show.

[gardenmom5]

I didn't go to mine - (didn't go to my 30 either - but I was in Hawaii and the reservations were made first. not sure I would have gone though.)

 

dh enjoyed his 20 and goes every ten years.  he commented that everyone had grown up, and were just happy to see each other no matter their social standing in high school.  (it took me a few weeks, but I finally realized how I knew one of his classmates at his 20.  he was my high school econ teacher . . .  )

[mamaraby]

I've never been invited to one, though I assume they've been having them. I heard that there was a 5th for which they were apparently unable to locate me (in spite of still living in the same house I was in during high school when not at college). It's probably not surprising that I would say to meet your friend, skip the reunion.

[Janie Grace]

I went to my 20th and was so glad I did. I talked almost the whole time to the 2-3 people that I had REAL history with. I did spend a bit of time talking to some more peripheral acquaintances/friends who (for whatever reason) were really open and honest with me about hard things that had happened in their lives. Apart from that, it was just fun to see how everyone "turned out." Mine was at a bar but no one got super drunk (at least while I was there... I stayed probably three hours). I thought it was fascinating and fun. The connections I made with my best friend from elementary school and a close friend from middle school were sweet and meaningful. 

ETA: I was *not* popular but I have long since escaped that insecurity. If I were still hurt or insecure about not being one of the "in crowd" back in the day, I would probably have skipped it. But I don't get that from you. It was much less "brag about my successes" and much more "tell me about your kids!" than I thought it would be, so that was nice.

[FloridaLisa]

I wouldn't drive 8 hours just for curiosity. If you only think one or two friends that you really want to see will be there, I would just plan to meet them separately. 

 

Lisa

 

ETA: I actually did go to my high school reunions and I really enjoy them. It just seems based on your post that you are pretty conflicted. 

[Paige]

I went with an old girlfriend and had a good time. It was nice to see everyone and we preferred not to bring our husbands. It was expensive! I'd probably go again. I was kind of average in high school- I wasn't popular or an outcast, so I can't speak to any negative feelings being drudged up, but I think people were friendlier than they used to be. My family still lived there so it was easy to plan a visit home with the reunion. i probably wouldn't go if I had to rent a hotel room or something. I liked seeing how everyone had changed and how they were doing.

[Annie G]

I wouldn't go. I don't think a bar is a good place to talk and catch up- it's too noisy and people tend to get in groups and stay that way. 

It also sounds like you might be a bit introverted-and that probably means you're not going to want to work the room and meet and greet everyone. So you might feel nervous and self conscious all night.  

 

On the other hand, since your mom lives in that town, you could go, stay long enough to reconnect with a few people, and invite them to get together the next day- smaller group, at a much more conversation friendly venue.  

 

But if you do go, don't feel that you're not doing anything with your life- everyone I reconnected with from high school envied me being able to stay home and teach our kids- while they were off trying to juggle a career and family.  Very few really seemed to love their career- to them it was just a job to pay the bills.  And hold on for a few more years- I'm at the 'it's been 35 years since high school' stage and NOBODY cares what anyone did for a job because we're all either retired or preparing to retire.   So there's virtually no talk about jobs now. 

 

 

[FaithManor]

I did not enjoy high school so I have never attended these events. Though we loved college, dh and I still have never gone to a college reunion. For us, we have to weigh spending all of that money - hotels, food, gas, or during some years, flights - in order to reminisce with people that we do not normally keep close contact with vs. spending that money on family vacation. Only recently would we be in a position to do both in a year. It was not worth telling the kids we would not be going on vacation that year.

 

If money were not an issue, I would consider spending the money to go see your friend and hang with her for a couple of days but not put in an appearance at the reunion.

 

 

[Garga]

Sometimes it helps me to make a decision if I think of myself after the event.

 

Two weeks after the event, will I be glad I went?  Or will I be kicking myself for missing out?  

 

That's how we decided to host some Chinese students for two weeks.  Ahead of time it seemed like a big hassle--buy new sheets (ours were old and ratty), come up with food ideas, take them who-knows-where, plan when everyone can take showers, etc..  But then I imagined myself a month after they would have gone home and I knew that if I didn't host them, hassles and all, I would look back and think, "Why!?  Why didn't I just do it?  It would have been worth the hassle!"

 

Do you best to imagine that there was some mistake and you thought the reunion was next month, but it was actually last month. Are you glad you didn't go?  Are you wishing you had?

 

Even if it turns out you have a terrible time, would you rather go and *know* what it was like, or not go and always wonder?

 

 

[Stacia]

Will you regret not going?

 

If so, then go. If not, don't.

[plansrme]

I would not cross the street to attend my high school reunion, much less drive eight hours.  If I had wanted to stay in contact with any of my classmates, I would have.  And I had eleven people in my graduating class, so it is not like no one would know me.  I was not bullied, but I was not in the clique.  I have nothing but disdain for the quality of my high school education or, for that matter, the quality of my classmates and, therefore, have zero desire to revisit any aspect of high school.  I was valedictorian and gave a speech that touched on how much I would miss high school.  I was wrong; I have not missed it for one single minute since I started college three weeks later.  It sounds as if I am bitter; I am not.  I am just really good at moving on.

[Annie G]

Sometimes it helps me to make a decision if I think of myself after the event.

 

Two weeks after the event, will I be glad I went?  Or will I be kicking myself for missing out?  

 

That's how we decided to host some Chinese students for two weeks.  Ahead of time it seemed like a big hassle--buy new sheets (ours were old and ratty), come up with food ideas, take them who-knows-where, plan when everyone can take showers, etc..  But then I imagined myself a month after they would have gone home and I knew that if I didn't host them, hassles and all, I would look back and think, "Why!?  Why didn't I just do it?  It would have been worth the hassle!"

 

Do you best to imagine that there was some mistake and you thought the reunion was next month, but it was actually last month. Are you glad you didn't go?  Are you wishing you had?

 

Even if it turns out you have a terrible time, would you rather go and *know* what it was like, or not go and always wonder?

 

That's a really good way to look at events. I think I should try that on lots of things- not just things like this, but other events that cost money/take significant time. 

[Ravin]

I plan on going to mine, which will likely be some time next summer--unless they schedule it too close to the bar exam. Mostly because I don't like most of them and can smugly throw my life in their faces and make them uncomfortable.

 

Plus, can visit family at the same time in my hometown.

 

There will be golf, though, and I do not understand the obsession of my former peers with golf. There will also be a family-friendly part of it, there was at the 10th and the organizers seem to be SAHM's who have time for that sort of thing...so of course they're going to be accommodating.

 

If I was you I'd go. Stay the weekend and spend some time with your mom, so that if the reunion is lame, it doesn't set the tone for the whole trip.

[Joyofsixreboot]

You could meet up with your friend for dinner beforehand and go together until everyone is too drunk to talk . :D

Exactly what I and a group of friends do every time.

[unsinkable]

Once I went to one reunion that was $50 at someone's house!

 

I guess they used some of the money for a class gift. A school rep was there and was telling us about work being done on the grounds "by the grotto" and one girl said in a stage-whisper, "We had a grotto?"

 

:lol:

[texasmama]

In your situation, I would not go.

[texasmama]

(I am on the planning committee of my 30th reunion next year, and I am completely on the fence about attending because I did not enjoy the 25th.  I'm one of two people on the bank account from the last reunion so I agree to FB pm's but will attend no meetings.  Ain't nobody got time for that. )

[Hannahs4]

Facebook kills reunions. You already know who married who, how many kids they have, and what they look like.

I went to my 20th because someone begged and said I could go for free. It was lame. I wouldn't waste the time next time, instead, meet up with the friends you want to. 20 years and there was still weird clickiness. Ugh.

[Closeacademy]

I just went to mine and had a great time.  I was the loner girl in high school and jr. high wasn't that great.  But now that everyone is older, they miss each other.  It's kind of like going to a family reunion (my class was only 55 people).  Everyone is so happy to see each other and I haven't been hugged that much in I don't know how long.  My school was also very rural so a lot of my classmates aren't on facebook or even have a computer.  

 

I think it's worth going just for closure.

[kiwik]

How about go and visit your mum for the weekend and invite the people you want to see who are attending the reunion to dinner? Personally I have no desire to see anyone I went to school with though.

[sewingmama]

No...but I hated high school ...it gives me PTSD to think of those people who bullied me.

 

I saw pictures of the last one my school had....lots of drunk people doing dumb things and everybody looking exactly like I imagined 10 years later ...depending what they were like as teens. Very non inspiring.

[goldberry]

I was shy and nerdy in high school, so I went to my 10 year to show everyone how I "bloomed" - no glasses, nice haircut, sexy dress, etc.  I got the comments, etc, but in the end I realized I didn't care anything about these people.  Really.  No interest in going again.

[Trish]

I've had fun at all of mine. I talk to different people every time.

[Luckymama]

Dh and I went to my 30th this summer. It was so much fun! Almost everyone had moved on from the stupidness that was high school. I talked with my old friends who attended, with people who had been in my classes, and with others I barely interacted with (I was "stuck up" because I was shy. I was a "geek" because I got all As. Blah blah blah). None of that mattered. I learned that some people have incredibly interesting careers. I met a fellow homeschooler who was in band with me. I ate some really bad food :lol:

 

One friend didn't go. She was certain everyone would be "just the same". They weren't. We really missed her presence.

 

Btw I am not on Facebook so I didn't already know everyone's story.

[kentuckymom]

Despite the majority of naysayers here, I'm now leaning towards going. Whichever PP said to think about whether I'd regret not having gone if I found out it had already happened had good advice. I do think I'd regret it. Not because I have hopes that a former classmate is suddenly going to be a good friend or because I want to show off that I managed to become a successful, happy adult, but really because I'm curious to see who shows up and what they're like now. Yes I'm friends with a few people on Facebook, but I presume that more than the half dozen people I'm Facebook friends with will show up.

 

Plus, I'd get to have a weekend with my parents and Kittygirl has been asking all week when we're going to Michigan next. As an added bonus, my best friend from college now lives in my hometown. Would it be weird to bring my friend who didn't go to our school since my DH can't come? Some people would inevitably think we were lesbians, but if someone who doesn't bother to talk to me leaves the reunion thinking I'm in a happy relationship with another woman it's no skin off my nose.

[PrairieSong]

I went to my 30th and had a better time than I thought I might. If you don't mind the long drive, I'd go at least this once. Then you can decide whether it's worth it to you to attend future reunions.

[PrairieSong]

Despite the majority of naysayers here, I'm now leaning towards going. Whichever PP said to think about whether I'd regret not having gone if I found out it had already happened had good advice. I do think I'd regret it. Not because I have hopes that a former classmate is suddenly going to be a good friend or because I want to show off that I managed to become a successful, happy adult, but really because I'm curious to see who shows up and what they're like now. Yes I'm friends with a few people on Facebook, but I presume that more than the half dozen people I'm Facebook friends with will show up.

 

This is why I wanted to go. I just wanted to see what had happened to people..what they were doing now. I really enjoyed chatting with people.

 

I wouldn't hesitate to bring a friend along if you want to. Didn't you say your husband couldn't be there? Just tell people that.

[Word Nerd]

I enjoyed my 20th, but I had a good experience in high school and got along with most of my classmates. In your shoes I probably wouldn't unless I went with my friend.

[Seasider]

I wouldn't drive 8 hours for that. If it were in town, and you could connect with your friend to make sure she didn't have plans to spend the evening with others, maybe. But not under the circumstances you describe.

[Hikin' Mama]

Based on what you said, I wouldn't go. I only go to mine because it's a half hour away. I'm only close to one person that I graduated with, and we still get together occassionally (she lives 2.5 hours away).

[G5052]

I went to my 10th, but I was still in the area.  It was fine, but not a biggie in the long run.

 

For my 20th, I was hugely pregnant and had no interest. We were also broke, so that was that.

 

I got the notice for my 30th right after returning from my father's funeral and dealing with my mentally ill mother for two weeks in that town.  I couldn't stomach going back again.

 

Maybe for my 40th.  Who knows how I'll feel then.  Maybe?

[Excelsior! Academy]

I would not cross the street to attend my high school reunion, much less drive eight hours.  If I had wanted to stay in contact with any of my classmates, I would have.  And I had eleven people in my graduating class, so it is not like no one would know me.  I was not bullied, but I was not in the clique.  I have nothing but disdain for the quality of my high school education or, for that matter, the quality of my classmates and, therefore, have zero desire to revisit any aspect of high school.  I was valedictorian and gave a speech that touched on how much I would miss high school.  I was wrong; I have not missed it for one single minute since I started college three weeks later.  It sounds as if I am bitter; I am not.  I am just really good at moving on.

 

:iagree:

[Momling]

I did not particularly like high school and have kept no connection to anyone from high school. I did go to my 10th reunion out of curiosity, but I realized I still have nothing in common with most of my old classmates. Going to my reunion helped me to firmly close that chapter in my life. I did not go to my 20th and have no intention to go to any others.

 

I did like college but haven't gone to those reunions either. I'm fine with that.

[kentuckymom]

I've decided to go and bring my outgoing best friend who lives in my hometown as a stand in for my husband. I asked the organizer and she said that would be fine. I appreciate all the comments for and against. I decided if I didn't go I'd always wonder what it was like. If I hate it I won't go to any more. At the very least, I'll have some time with my friend without our kids in tow.

[bobbeym]

I didn't go to my 10 year reunion because it was held at a bar and I don't regret it.  I don't even know if they had a 20th. If they did, I didn't know about it.

 

Most of the people I hung out with in school were a year ahead of me and wouldn't be at my reunion anyway.  The 2 people I considered to be close friends I'm still in contact with anyway.  Neither of them went to the reunion either.