who pays for a vacation?

[gardenmom5]

hypothetical . . 

parents and adult children.

Parents pay for children who live at home, make plans only for children who live at home.  Independent lives elsewhere adult child (with more disposable income) asks to come too.

this requires a larger accommodation.  Who pays the difference?

Edited January 7, 2023 by gardenmom5

[Kidlit]

My hope would be that adult child would recognize income disparity and voluntarily pay. 

[regentrude]

Depends on the family.

We would be thrilled if independent adult kid would want to vacation with us and happily pay for a larger accommodation. But we're able to. Other folks may need to ask the person to contribute because the larger place is outside their budget. No right or wrong g here.

[hshibley]

If I’m planning the vacation I pay. 

[Kassia]

1 minute ago, regentrude said:

Depends on the family.

We would be thrilled if independent adult kid would want to vacation with us and happily pay for a larger accommodation. But we're able to. Other folks may need to ask the person to contribute because the larger place is outside their budget. No right or wrong g here.

I agree.  It really depends on finances.  If we invite our kids to join us for vacation, we plan on paying.  It's so expensive - four kids and now three girlfriends plus me and DH.  We've done it several times and would like to do it again.  Our adult kids have plenty of money (other than my youngest who is finishing college) and could easily contribute or pay for themselves.  

 

[bolt.]

I think that many families use vacations as a way to keep good connections with adult kids who are independent. It's super normal for a parent to say to an independent kid, "Join us in (special place)! Our treat! Does xyz week work for you?" -- especially if a kid is newly independent and still at that age where they are meeting their own needs but not really enjoying indulgences like vacations at their parents' level (or if they are saving/paying for something more practical and would tend not to choose a vacation, or not a vacation of this type.)

Because that's so normal, it might make sense for a parent to say, "Join us! Our treat!" -- if an adult kid volunteers the information that they are available and interested in a vacation that is being planned for the at-home members of the family.

However, in the absence of such an invitation from the parents, a kid who volunteers the information that they are available and interested in a vacation that is being planned for the at-home members of the family should get the hint that they are welcome, but expected to pay their own way and/or make a contribution to joint expenses or expanded costs.

It is in the parents' hands to clearly say, "Our treat!" or to leave it hanging for the kid to say, "We can contribute, of course."

It's really similar to if you end up at a restaurant with parents and adult kids: it's awkward for a moment until someone makes the offer. People should be prepared to pay for themselves, but it's not unusual to pause for a moment to see if the parents are going to be generous.

It's different when adult kids have plenty of disposable income. Sometimes they see themselves as dependents anyways, just out of habit, but if they have the cash, they shouldn't expect their parents to actually stretch or scrimp in order to include them.

[gardenmom5]

Thank you for replies - I want to emphasize, adult child was not invited, they asked to come.  Adult child had more disposable income than parents.

[LaughingCat]

My parents always paid for place to stay and all food but not cost to get where ever (but they could not only afford it but had far more disposable income than I had at the time). 

They had a more old fashioned take on it though -- they paid while I was single, then once I got married, they paid for nothing. DH and I were even expected to pay for everyone for most meals out.  And they weren't open or upfront about the change either -- took me a while to figure out why I was the only one being cut off (siblings were still single). 

 

[Kidlit]

When I said I'd hope the kid would recognize the disparity and volunteer to pay, I was thinking about the fact that the kid "volunteered" to come along. 

[Beth S]

Our adult kids (4 of our 5 kids) know we'd discuss the $$ arrangements for a vacation. 
I'd do some research & then I'd talk with the adult kid(s) and explain the options & cost.
I really think it helps to have the conversations early, so the expectations are in line with reality.
(Dh & I *never* treat the entire family to a ticketed activity.   But we usually do free things!)

[marbel]

I think the parents could just be direct and say "sure, we'd love to have you join us. We hadn't planned on the extra cost of the additional accommodations, but I'll look into it and let you know your cost." I wouldn't hint or expect a kid to offer to pay if previous vacations were paid for by the parents. 

[regentrude]

13 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

Thank you for replies - I want to emphasize, adult child was not invited, they asked to come.  Adult child had more disposable income than parents.

Again, family culture differs.

My kids would not need a specific invitation from us; they know they are welcome to join us anytime they like. Whether they are well paid or a poor grad student doesn't enter the equation. 

But again, other families handle things differently, and other finances may make it necessary to have the young person contribute. It's all only a question of clear communication. Parents should clearly articulate their expectations. 

Edited January 8, 2023 by regentrude

[Grace Hopper]

Two of our kids now make way more money than our household income, and I think they’d flat out offer to pay the difference. Or chip in somehow. The other two would likely expect to be covered by us, which we would do, but it does make planning this sort of trip tricky if we are trying to keep things fair. 
 

eta I agree with the if I invited you, I pay stance, but for us that means we can’t take nice vacations 

Edited January 8, 2023 by Grace Hopper

[City Mouse]

I think it could go either  way, so arrangements should be discussed in advance by both parties. I don’t think it is wrong of the parents to ask tye adult child to pay.

I recently got back from a family trip with my 2 adult kids. DS is 20 and lives at home. dad is 26 and does not live at home. The trip was planned a long time in advance, and I was up front with them from the very beginning as to what each was expected to contribute and why they are not expected to contribute exactly the same. 
 

[rebcoola]

In the circumstances you describe I would expect the kid to pay for the extra costs. I haven't been the adult yet but I've been the kid and we've done both parents have invited us and they paid. We have also tagged along and paid our own way.

[freesia]

In my family of origin, kids always paid their part when joining the family on our beach vacations. For my Dad, I think he felt it was respecting us as adults to let us pay our way. So, yes, families are different. I’ve always assumed my kids would pay their share if they joined us. Definitely if it would cost more and I knew they could afford it.  

[Pam in CT]

As others have noted, I think there are a number of reasonable ways to approach this, depending on family culture and frequency of other kinds of contact/connection and relative financial circumstances; no one-size-fits-all response.

Whatever the approach, *clarity* around the approach is IMO good / necessary. It is suboptimal to expect others to read minds / take hints / etc; and worse to simmer with resentment when such mind-reading fails.

[teachermom2834]

My dad always paid for stuff for adult kids even if he really couldn’t afford it. Now he is in his 70s and the kids are in their 40s and 50s and there are now grandkids that make more money and still everyone expects Grandpa to pick up the check all the time. It drives me nuts. If everyone is going out to dinner and he picks up the check that is a hefty check! What was reasonable 20 years ago when siblings and I were young parents and struggling is no longer reasonable. So with that I think it is reasonable to have some sort of end game in mind with these things. If you start out paying for young adults where and when does that end? I don’t know- just throwing it out as a consideration.

We are just starting out on this phase. Kids are 24, 22, 19, and 14. So we are scattered all over. The 19 yo is still in college but actually has way more money than the 22 yo. All the adults have serious girlfriends. All working with some resources but vastly different means. Dh and I have a lot of our own expenses. We like to treat them but dang that is alot of people! 
 

We have had one vacation in this stage. We picked up a lot of it but it was also sold as a family Christmas gift. Adult kids picked up a lot of incidentals along the way which is really nice and feels respectful of the situation. Oldest met us at destination and paid for his own flight and Ubers. So…we are still working this out but we are going to be moving people off of the fully paid family vacation probably gradually as that is naturally happening. 
 

As to the original question- if plans had been made and adult child asked to join and it required more expensive accommodations we would probably discuss that and expect him to make up the difference or the bulk of the difference. Then we would probably roll kid into meals and things such that kid wasn’t charged for every single thing. It would probably be a mix of “hey you are an adult and need to pitch in” and “here’s a burger, kid, because you are still our kid no matter how old you are how much money you make.” Our family seems to do okay with these fuzzy lines but I know some families need much clearer boundaries. 

Edited January 8, 2023 by teachermom2834

[madteaparty]

1 hour ago, regentrude said:

Again, family culture differs.

My kids would not need a specific invitation from us; they know they are welcome to join us anytime they like. Whether they are well paid or a poor grad student doesn't enter the equation. 

But again, other families handle things differently, and other finances may make it necessary to have the young person contribute. It's all only a question of clear communication. Parents should clearly articulate their expectations. 

I don’t have independent adult children (just the dependent kind now) but I’ve already decided any crumbs of time my child wants to throw our way will be gratefully received and if we can pay we would, no question.

 

[Arcadia]

For my side of the family, the one who issues the invitation pays. So if the child invite the parents, the child pays and vis versa. Usually we are the ones being invited and we would pay for most of the food. 

 For my husband’s side of the family, the adult children ends up paying for the parents even if it is the parents only going on vacation. If we go with them we end up paying for their food and shopping as well so we never bother to vacation with in-laws. My husband’s paternal aunts (and their children) would pay their share when vacationing with us so it is a lot more affordable and less stressful to vacation with them. 

[scholastica]

When we vacation with family, adults pay per bedroom they take up. So when we would go on vacation with my parents and sister and her spouse and kids we each paid for bedrooms used. We divided the total accommodation fee by the number of bedrooms used and then each family paid their portion. If we used two out of five bedrooms, we paid 40%. We plan to do the same when the kids are self-sufficient. It takes longer now for young people to become established, so we know we’ll be paying for a while yet.

[katilac]

It's absolutely fine either way. 

Even if the parents, strictly speaking, could pay the extra, it's fine to say, We haven't budgeted for larger accommodations for this trip. If you can pay the difference of X, we'd love to have you. Or simply, we'd love to have you, but we're not paying. 

Provided, of course, that you'd love to have them. 

My family is blunt about these things, which I like. If I want an immediate family or dh and I only vacation, I make sure to say that up front when I tell people we're going, lol. Likewise, if someone asks if they can come on a vacation, we would just lay it out. Sure, and you can bunk with us if you pay X. Sure, but we don't want to share accommodations. Or, we're doing just us for this one, but maybe next time (which we generally avoid by making those statements up front, bc we do vacation together pretty often). 

So my vote is definitely for just telling the adult children what you expect in a straightforward way. 

[katilac]

I wanted to add that of course we've still had the occasional hiccups and annoyances, even being pretty blunt from the get-go, so I plan to err on the side of more information and more discussion. 

We've actually already talked about it, and they know that an invitation to vacation with us will always be just that: an invitation, and not an expectation.  If it's going to be a jointly agreed-upon and planned vacation, we'll probably split the costs when they are older and have families. When we are inviting them on vacation as our guests, we'll be really clear about that, and we'll plan to pay for almost everything (I mean, if they go off for the day, I'n not reimbursing them for lunch, lol). 

I know this isn't the case here, actually the opposite, lol, but I think parents need to be really cognizant of vacation expectations. It's not fair to pressure adult kids to go just bc you're paying - they are also spending their vacation days, and sometimes they may want to do something with just their own families. Sometimes the vacation with parents and adult siblings and all their families can just be A Bit Much.  

Also, if you state that you are paying everything except X, Y, and Z, please make sure that X, Y, and Z are reasonable expenditures for all concerned, and not more than the total cost of the vacation they'd actually prefer to be taking. It's tough being the poor relations sometimes 😂

 

[Ottakee]

My kids are semi independent, 2 still live with me and all have special needs.

I try to be up front when planning, like I will pay for one hotel room and if we want to squish in together for a night, great.  If the married couple wants their own room (understandable) then they pay for that.  I Pay for some meals, they pay for some.

in general though my kids have more disposable income than I do and I do all of the driving and planning and prepping, etc.

[Clemsondana]

In our family, it seems like parents continue to pay until the grown kids have disposable income.  It's not age-based, it's financial, and parents usually continue to pay as long as it's not a strain even if the kid could contribute.  At some point they start splitting it amongst those who can pay, and at some point the kids start paying for the long-retired adults.  

Generally once trips involve multiple households they are open to anybody that wants to come, even though not everybody does.  My parents came when we took the kids to Disney, and sibling would have been welcome even though we knew that it wasn't practical, schedule-wise.  Beach or mountain trips attempt to accommodate everybody.  There are sometimes trips taken by a nuclear family (parents with kids) or couples that don't involve a bigger group, but it would be unusual for parents to plan a trip with just one adult kid being invited, even if it's geared around something that one kid would be more interested in.  

[SKL]

If I was paying for any of my kids, I would pay for all kids wanting to come, but I'd base it on my budget.  Which may mean everyone shares a hotel room or affordable b&b, 2-3 people in a bed, etc.

If I had an adult kid who had extra disposable income, especially if more than my income, I might ask them to pay their own plane ticket.  And I'd be open to them offering to pay for better accommodations, e.g. pitch in for larger or better hotel rooms.

At some point, I can definitely see having each person pay their own way, and eventually even pay my way maybe.  😛  But it would be difficult to treat my kids very differently just because some have more money than others.  The fact that I'm already supporting Kid X would make disparate treatment (re vacation) even more uncomfortable for me.

[Carrie12345]

7 hours ago, Pam in CT said:

As others have noted, I think there are a number of reasonable ways to approach this, depending on family culture and frequency of other kinds of contact/connection and relative financial circumstances; no one-size-fits-all response.

Whatever the approach, *clarity* around the approach is IMO good / necessary. It is suboptimal to expect others to read minds / take hints / etc; and worse to simmer with resentment when such mind-reading fails.

Clarity IS the key.    
My FOO (well, origin and step) has done vacations multiple ways, depending on circumstances at the time.

Personally, I don’t imagine ever planning a trip without inviting my kids, whether I’m paying or I tell them, “Look, we’re planning to go to Place in Month. We’d love for you to join us. If you can chip in $X for space and food, we can have a nice little reunion!”

I still feel guilty that I take my kids to our favorite area amusement park without my 24yo who lives over 1,000 miles away, lol. And I feel left out when my mom plans trips with another sibling and doesn’t ask if I’d be interested.

[HomeAgain]

We just went through this last year with our adult child.  He lives at home, but that's mostly for convenience for him.  Anyhow, when we talked about the idea of going on vacation, we sat down and went over the cost increase if he and his gf went.  The hotel would have gone up about $100/night (going from 1rm suite to 2rm), and we were able to give good estimates on plane tickets, activities, and food.

Our offer was to pay for one meal a day, whichever one we gathered for as a family, and help organize the rest of the costs so they had a good budget.  Both were interested; only adult child ended up going, though, with his gf staying home to catch some hours at work.   Because everything had been discussed up front it was a pretty low-stress vacation. 

Edited January 8, 2023 by HomeAgain
Edited because I have very poor grammar at 6am.

[TheReader]

I think family culture is the main factor here, really. 

In our home, should any of our adult children ever actually move out, if we were planning a vacation with the at-home adult kids, we'd reach out to the not-at-home adult kid and see if they wanted to join. We'd pay. 

When our oldest was living off at school, we attempted to include him in anything special we did. He wasn't always able to come, but the offer was always there, and we of course would have paid (of course, at that time, he wasn't financially able to have paid, but still). 

I guess there could come a time in the future when some are home, some are not, that we might not automatically seek out the not-at-home ones to include them....so if it did happen the way you describe, where the not-at-home kid invited themself along, and could afford to do so, they should pitch in for the difference in accommodations costs, etc. 

[lmrich]

Larger like you need a bigger VRBO? Or more hotel  rooms? If the adult  child  can, he should book and  pay for his own  hotel room or cabin  on a  cruise ship. 

 

 

[katilac]

9 hours ago, SKL said:

But it would be difficult to treat my kids very differently just because some have more money than others.  The fact that I'm already supporting Kid X would make disparate treatment (re vacation) even more uncomfortable for me.

 The kid at home is generally going to be younger, though, if not still a minor. I know that @gardenmom5has at least one actual kid still at home. 

Your kids are same grade and basically the same age, so I can see where you wouldn't want to pay for one and not the other just bc one of them moved out a bit earlier than the other. But I'd be okay treating a newly-graduated 22-yr-old differently than a 26-yr-old who's been making good money for a couple of years. When you have several kids, you have to be careful what precedents you set, lol. 

[QueenCat]

17 hours ago, regentrude said:

Depends on the family.

We would be thrilled if independent adult kid would want to vacation with us and happily pay for a larger accommodation. But we're able to. Other folks may need to ask the person to contribute because the larger place is outside their budget. No right or wrong g here.

Same here. But like you, I can also see how for others, the adult child needs to contribute.

[gardenmom5]

36 minutes ago, katilac said:

 The kid at home is generally going to be younger, though, if not still a minor. I know that @gardenmom5has at least one actual kid still at home. 

Your kids are same grade and basically the same age, so I can see where you wouldn't want to pay for one and not the other just bc one of them moved out a bit earlier than the other. But I'd be okay treating a newly-graduated 22-yr-old differently than a 26-yr-old who's been making good money for a couple of years. When you have several kids, you have to be careful what precedents you set, lol. 

Yeah- we have adults all done with college (two own their homes, three have their college loans paid off), - and a teenager.   

[theelfqueen]

If my inlaws were planning a trip, they would definitely pay. If my parents were, we would definitely pay. If we were doing a trip with adult children, we would probably split it with us taking on the majority... it is about family dynamics and who has the money and what the trip entails ... if I was going to Disney and other people decided to come, I'd expect them to get their own tickets, unless Oldest DS and his family decided to come because we could all take advantage of the military discounts and that would change it all, for example. 

[Halftime Hope]

We have recently done a couple of vacations with young adults. The hardest part is their ability to get time off. Since they can work remotely, we've had a couple of "come join us, and we'll spend evenings together" vacation just to be able to have some time with them. In that case, since we were inviting, we paid the housing, and we split the "cook-in" nights in a rather remote, but beautiful location. 

Separately, we've also noticed that these young adults are doing plenty of discretionary spending, so I'm adjusting my thinking and stopping assuming that they are pinching every penny.

I'd absolutely invite the eldest to pitch in on the housing costs.

[BusyMom5]

There is no right or wrong answer.  My oldest is in college, and if she goes with us we will pay.  We'd probably even pay for her boyfriend to join us.  Later on, who knows.  I do think our first real vacation without her will be hard!  

We don't usually vacation with family, but we do take trips together for overnight.  It depends on what's going on as to who pays.  Normally we would get our own accommodations and take turns purchasing other stuff.  

[kokotg]

My in-laws paid for most of the expenses when we traveled with them for a long time...until we were well into our 30s at least, but then it's stopped at some point over the last decade and now we split accommodation and activity costs (or get our own place more typically) and pay our own way to get wherever we're going (usually they'll pay for most meals out, but we'll offer to pay for one now and then). In this case, they have significantly more money than we do and paying for us was not a hardship. I'm not sure what made them decide it was time to change things up; it's totally fine, but it did make it a little hard to budget for travel during the transitional period when we weren't sure what to expect (direct conversation would have helped, but this family's not big on that); they're very financially generous in other ways. My oldest is 21 now and a semester away from graduating from college...I don't foresee that we'll stop paying for his expenses for vacations any time soon (if he's willing to vacation with us, I'm happy to pay if we can), but it may depend on relative income levels, etc. Anyway, in the hypothetical situation, I would expect to just pay the cost myself if it were my own adult kid...and to pay the extra cost ourselves if it were my husband and I joining my in-laws. So I guess I get the worst of both worlds at this particular stage of life! 

[Hannah]

As others have said, it depends on family culture, resources available,willingness to share rooms/tents, etc.

In our family we'd probably say "sure, there's space for another mattress on the floor...or if you'd like better, go ahead and book here".  My daughter's are still both dependent, but I did recently do that with my sister who tagged along. 

Edited January 8, 2023 by Hannah

[Ottakee]

I agree so much on family culture and resources.

one caution though would be parents who pay for some but not others as the others “can afford it” can lead to hard feelings.   My MIL would pay for one grandkid everything under the sun and more but never for my kids because I could afford it.  My kids certainly show the differences though.   It would be different though if the parents couldn’t afford for all, etc.

right now my kids have to help pay for a lot of things.  Maybe not all of it but some.   I figure if they aren’t invested enough to pay some, then why should I pay for all ?    Now there are times when I want a fun family outing with everyone and I will foot the bill happily.   We though are more limited resources and do many free or very low cost things, picnic meals or Subway, etc.

[Murphy101]

On 1/7/2023 at 6:17 PM, gardenmom5 said:

Thank you for replies - I want to emphasize, adult child was not invited, they asked to come.  Adult child had more disposable income than parents.

I have questions.

Do you want them to join you or not?

Can you afford to pay for them to join you or not?

If the answer is yes, then I’d just do it. I wouldn’t even think about differences of income as part of the equation.

If I couldn’t afford it, I’d just be honest about that and say they are always welcome but they should budget the money to go with us and I’d tell them up front how much they would be and when I’d need the funds to cover it.

[Farrar]

You know, I think the only way to truly do this "wrong" would be to be awkward or secretive about it or make a lot of assumptions about how others see the situation or feel. This is really a situation for gentle honesty and strong listening on the part of everyone to figure out the right way forward.

[Clarita]

This is going to be different for every family and every relationship/person. There is no wrong if everyone is honest with what they want and where their boundaries are. I think it is OK to have a frank conversation with your adult children about how to finance a vacation. 

I know families for whom the matriarch and patriarch pays for everything on vacation with all their kids, kid's spouses and grandkids. From all I gather and know the parents have the means and really don't mind and probably wouldn't take their kids money if offered. In this situation at least some of the kids can't afford the planned vacations and some of the vacations are to properties already owned by the parents.  

I know families where the adult kids pay for it all for the parents. Generally the kids have more means than the parents. 

For our own family, everyone pays for themselves, but no one is concerned if all the costs are truly split evenly or not. (Except for BIL who is a dependent on my in laws.) We would split stuff however it is most convenient. Financially speaking in laws, my mom and we are in a similar boat and all doing fine for ourselves. 

  

[gardenmom5]

2 hours ago, Murphy101 said:

I have questions.

Do you want them to join you or not?

Can you afford to pay for them to join you or not?

If the answer is yes, then I’d just do it. I wouldn’t even think about differences of income as part of the equation.

If I couldn’t afford it, I’d just be honest about that and say they are always welcome but they should budget the money to go with us and I’d tell them up front how much they would be and when I’d need the funds to cover it.

This was a few years ago, but this kid is currently mad about a lot of things.

I was fine with kid joining us - but paying the difference between the accommodation that slept four, and upsizing to one that slept five was not in my budget.  (especially as kid would want their own room) I explained the situation, and asked kid to pay the difference.   Kid chose not to come.  (I would still have been providing food/other expenses. we were driving - so no airfare.) Even at the time, I was left with the impression kid was angry I wouldn't pay for it.  (kid knows our financial history with start-ups. Now I can afford it, and now - kid would rent their own condo.)
So - I'm just reexamining things from other angles  . .

[easypeasy]

So far, we are of the mind that if independent kid is single, we'll still pay for the basics of the family trip. We're so used to being "a family of 6" that it doesn't feel any different, kwim?

Once we have married/committed kids who have partners and kids coming along too... that'll have to change. We can cover accommodations for 6, but not for 8, 10, 12, etc. Luckily for us, each of the kids has already had conversations about that and have all discussed together how to divvy things up fairly. We'll see how that plays out in reality, but I think we have a while before any of them want to invite their sig others along on our family trips.

My hope is that they all wind up being $$$$ entrepreneurs, doctors, lawyers, engineers, musicians and will just take dh and I along on THEIR planned all-the-family trips!! 😄

[marbel]

9 hours ago, Ottakee said:

one caution though would be parents who pay for some but not others as the others “can afford it” can lead to hard feelings. 

This is also dependent on family culture and the individuals involved. One of my siblings went through a tough time and wasn't able to afford anything beyond the basics. At that time, I was doing OK though was not wealthy by any means. Another sibling made a lot of money (more than my parents) and was loud about it. So my parents would, for example, pay the "poor" sibling's airfare to go home for a visit, or go on a vacation while the other two paid our own way. The income disparity was obvious and it would have been rather silly for my parents to try to equalize things by subsidizing those of us who didn't need it when one of us clearly did.  

[Murphy101]

9 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

This was a few years ago, but this kid is currently mad about a lot of things.

I was fine with kid joining us - but paying the difference between the accommodation that slept four, and upsizing to one that slept five was not in my budget.  (especially as kid would want their own room) I explained the situation, and asked kid to pay the difference.   Kid chose not to come.  (I would still have been providing food/other expenses. we were driving - so no airfare.) Even at the time, I was left with the impression kid was angry I wouldn't pay for it.  (kid knows our financial history with start-ups. Now I can afford it, and now - kid would rent their own condo.)
So - I'm just reexamining things from other angles  . .

Hmm.  In that scenario I would have said they have to pay for the room that only they want and will use too. BUT I’d have been willing to get a roll away or whatever to include them in our room at no cost too.  I wouldn’t have any hard feelings about them wanting their own room or them deciding this vacation was not one that interested them.

Some kids go through some phase of angry at grown up realities and changing parent/child relationship.  Where they seem to be angry that parents treat them like grown ups that aren’t dependent children  at the same time as they want to enjoy being treated like a dependent. Hopefully they grow out of that phase.

[Farrar]

9 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

This was a few years ago, but this kid is currently mad about a lot of things.

I was fine with kid joining us - but paying the difference between the accommodation that slept four, and upsizing to one that slept five was not in my budget.  (especially as kid would want their own room) I explained the situation, and asked kid to pay the difference.   Kid chose not to come.  (I would still have been providing food/other expenses. we were driving - so no airfare.) Even at the time, I was left with the impression kid was angry I wouldn't pay for it.  (kid knows our financial history with start-ups. Now I can afford it, and now - kid would rent their own condo.)
So - I'm just reexamining things from other angles  . .

Is this one of those circular situations? Because I've got one of those with my brother and I've learned not to ever engage or re-examine because it's not a real complaint, it's a trap. I would only consider doing it in a therapy situation, though that won't ever happen.

What I'm talking about is when you have an issue now but instead of being willing to solve it or discuss it, every conversation touches on past things, dredging up older and older issues, refusing to focus on any solutions or be in the moment. If that's what it's like, then you can't fix that. No matter how much research you do to find that the way you handled things was normal, common, acceptable to society - it won't matter. He has to be willing to see a different viewpoint.

[Carol in Cal.]

I think that a lot of times what happens is that parents become more well to do later in life, and the kids who are still at home at that point can get a lot of privileges that the older ones did not—better trips, a generally better lifestyle, less criticism for wanting things or lessons, that kind of stuff.  And I think it’s nice when parents then try to equalize that a bit.

[teachermom2834]

This is an interesting discussion. Looking at my kids right now as young adults (and one still at home young teen) I would anticipate kids #1 and #3 to have way more means than kids #2 and #4 based on career choices and personalities and life choices. Dh and I will never be of means to take four kids and their families on vacations. I have thought alot about how my kids will end up in very different places and what that will look like in the future and trying to figure out how we navigate that as parents. As well as the weirdness of young adult kids having more money than their parents. Not quite there yet but it’s a foreseeable reality. 
 

Precedent setting is important, as is flexibility and communication. All easier said than done sometimes! 

[gardenmom5]

1 hour ago, Farrar said:

Is this one of those circular situations? Because I've got one of those with my brother and I've learned not to ever engage or re-examine because it's not a real complaint, it's a trap. I would only consider doing it in a therapy situation, though that won't ever happen.

What I'm talking about is when you have an issue now but instead of being willing to solve it or discuss it, every conversation touches on past things, dredging up older and older issues, refusing to focus on any solutions or be in the moment. If that's what it's like, then you can't fix that. No matter how much research you do to find that the way you handled things was normal, common, acceptable to society - it won't matter. He has to be willing to see a different viewpoint.

Not really.  I know some of the things kid is mad about, this (nor anything like it) has never been mentioned.   I'm just reexamining things.

I think kid is *finally* (FINALLY) exerting teenage independence and just pushing super hard to 'break free' (not realizing, their own actions were keeping the attachment to mom.  and there were times I wanted to scream at them to act like an adult!)

Other adult kids - shake their head and roll their eyes.  (though they've also told me things that make me continue to worry about kid's emotional wellbeing.)