S/0 graves

[Melissa Louise]

I'm curious. 

For other people ( like me) who wouldn't read or remove a grave note, how do you feel about people having a picnic in an (old) graveyard? 

I ask because ds met bonus kid at a punk picnic in a historic graveyard here. This didn't bother me - they don't disrespect the graves, they just sit there (pre-Covid) and talk punk music/politics, but they also have lunch. 

I would feel weird about it if it was a current grave site. 

Disrespectful? (It's fine of you think it is, I won't be offended). 

I'd never really thought about it, that's all. I was dragged to lots of historic graveyards as a kid but haven't really thought about them much. 

 

[Rosie_0801]

I think it is weird to have places that aren't to be lived on, but I still make my dd walk carefully between graves like I was taught.
I think I would like seeing teens picnicking in an old cemetery. How many places can teens go to get a bit of peace and quiet?

[katilac]

22 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

I'm curious. 

For other people ( like me) who wouldn't read or remove a grave note, how do you feel about people having a picnic in an (old) graveyard? 

I ask because ds met bonus kid at a punk picnic in a historic graveyard here. This didn't bother me - they don't disrespect the graves, they just sit there (pre-Covid) and talk punk music/politics, but they also have lunch. 

I would feel weird about it if it was a current grave site. 

Disrespectful? (It's fine of you think it is, I won't be offended). 

I'd never really thought about it, that's all. I was dragged to lots of historic graveyards as a kid but haven't really thought about them much. 

 

This is hard for me to answer, because we're below sea level where I live, so most of the graves are built above the ground. There's not really flat ground to picnic on. 

So they're actually sitting on the ground where someone is buried beneath them, eating lunch? That strikes me as slightly odd, but that's possibly because I've hardly ever seen that type of grave in person, and I wasn't even sure how far away from the headstone was respectable to walk, lol. Only the headstone is marked, not the end! 

I don't think it would bother me, even if they were 'on' the grave of a loved one, as long as they weren't moving anything that had been left on the grave to make more room or something. If it was a grave of someone I didn't know, I'd probably assume they knew them. 

So, I am a hard no on reading a card left on a grave, a hard no on touching things unnecessarily, and a hard no on removing things from a grave, but I think this is fine. It's really just about being respectful. If you're willing to move if someone comes up to visit a grave, it's good. 

Edited January 5, 2022 by katilac

[Drama Llama]

I would absolutely have removed the card in that situation, so I'm not the one you're asking. 

We have picnics pretty regularly on my son's grave.  If someone else was doing the same thing, even a stranger, it would make me happy, like they are keeping him company.  My father is interred in a columbarium that is right next to a playground.   That makes me happy too.  

 

[WildflowerMom]

I think it's fine.   I love being in cemeteries.   

[happi duck]

My grandparents are buried in a cemetery that encourages people to treat it like a park and even host things like 5k runs etc.

The cemetery near me where one of my sisters and bil are buried has people gathering to eat, hangout etc but it is tradition and is at the graves of loved ones.

Where my parents and other sister are buried has so many gravestones that putting down a blanket for more than a couple people wouldn't be possible. 

I like looking around cemeteries so wouldn't find it odd.  If it was raucous I would probably assume they were remembering someone.

[livetoread]

Back when my dh and I were dating, we decided to take a picnic and our bikes to a graveyard that is also an arboretum. Very large and beautiful, and they have garden tours as well as historical tours. We rode our bikes around for a bit and found a nice place near (but not directly on) several gravestones. We spread a blanket on the ground and began to eat. A woman in her 60s pulled up in her car and got out and came to the nearest gravestone which suddenly felt very close. We were horrified and apologized saying we meant no disrespect. She just laughed and said her husband, whose grave it was, would have loved to see a young couple enjoying themselves. She was so generous, and I'm very grateful that she was. Could have been bad, and we would have deserved it, though we meant no harm.

[Spryte]

This wouldn’t bother me.

I walked home from school through a large cemetery when in HS. We often sat on benches, read gravestones, possibly snacked while reading and talking. (And now I have old Smiths songs running through my head — a dreaded sunny day, so I meet you at the cemetery gates, Keats and Yates are on your side ... Yep. That was my HS experience!) If we’d thought to have a “punk picnic” we might have called it that, totally would’ve fit. We didn’t deface anything, we were just walking home, talking, sometimes laughing and sometimes serious. 

Oh! And another friend, in middle school, lived in a historic house with a very old cemetery attached — confederate war age, maybe older, graves. I have no recollection of who was buried there, but think no one of note, just very old graves. She had her birthday parties there, and huge picnics. Not on the graves or anything, but it was the only “yard” area they had, so would be considered in the graveyard. It just wasn’t a big deal. 

[Faith-manor]

Around here cemeteries are strict on what is allowed. The card would be confiscated by the township volunteers because only plants that are actually planted or in a very heavy secure pot next to the headstone is allowed along with grave blankets or properly installed plaques. Nothing that is unsecured, paper/cardboard, things that will not weather well are allowed. There are strict guidelines, and usually every other months volunteers go through and grab up all the stuff that isn't supposed to be there. Picnics would NOT be allowed and especially because people so often leave trash laying around. In my part of the state, the general public tend to be real litterers.

As for how I would feel about it, I have no sentimentalism concerning graves. If anything, I regard the practice as a very poor use of land, and all of the embalming fluids are pollutants so expensive, cement crypts are required to contain the body, and well, this isn't a very earth friendly thing. So in general, I am not a big fan of cemeteries. I would prefer everyone was cremated and then memorial walls with engraved plaques provided. Preserve the land for the living, and keep it natural. All the mowing is an issue, all of the cutting down of trees because the roots can disrupt their crypts....

Therefore, it doesn't bother me. And if I am at the local cemetery and see a card, envelope, plastic items, things that are not allowed, I will pick them up and throw them in the garbage receptacle provided because the neighbor of the cemetery my grandfather is buried in gets sick of all the contraband stuff that comes loose, blows onto her property, and then she has to go fetch it and place in her garbage. People leave crap they aren't supposed to leave all.the.time. Stuffed animals that get all mold and mildewy from rain and snow melt are some of the worst.

I can honestly see my eldest son thinking a cemetery picnic would be great. He is such a family history nut. I could see him munching on cold pizza while making tombstone rubbings! I don't have a problem with that so long as he isn't violating township rules. But locally it would be a civil violation. The sexton had had enough of cleaning up crap, and one of the township police officers parks in the cemetery drive way regularly for a sneaky little speed trap. It would be one way to earn a uniformed lecture!

[Melissa Louise]

22 minutes ago, katilac said:

This is hard for me to answer, because we're below sea level where I live, so most of the graves are built above the ground. There's not really flat ground to picnic on. 

So they're actually sitting on the ground where someone is buried beneath them, eating lunch? That strikes me as slightly odd, but that's possibly because I've hardly ever seen that type of grave in person, and I wasn't even sure how far away from the headstone was respectable to walk, lol. Only the headstone is marked, not the end! 

I don't think it would bother me, even if they were 'on' the grave of a loved one, as long as they weren't moving anything that had been left on the grave to make more room or something. If it was a grave of someone I didn't know, I'd probably assume they knew them. 

So, I am a hard no on reading a card left on a grave, a hard no on touching things unnecessarily, and a hard no on removing things from a grave, but I think this is fine. It's really just about being respectful. If you're willing to move if someone comes up to visit a grave, it's good. 

No, on the grass in the graveyard. 

[katilac]

Just now, Melissa Louise said:

No, on the grass in the graveyard. 

So additional grass that is not actual gravesites? Completely fine imo. 

[Melissa Louise]

Fun fact: the woman on whom Miss Havisham is said to be based is buried there. 

[MEmama]

I had a friend who has a Confederate War era cemetery on her property. At Halloween they would decorate it and host a party. They meant no disrespect—what else are you going to do in the countryside on Halloween with a gaggle of kids? They also tended the cemetery regularly; I believe it’s state law here. Lots of the old houses houses have family plots attached. 
 

Picnicing is lovely. I’m quite accustomed to viewing old cemeteries as parks, many encourage such use.

[Melissa Louise]

34 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

I think it is weird to have places that aren't to be lived on, but I still make my dd walk carefully between graves like I was taught.
I think I would like seeing teens picnicking in an old cemetery. How many places can teens go to get a bit of peace and quiet?

It's in our equiv of Fitzroy. It sort of is the only space! (There is a park, but it is sporty/family). 

[fairfarmhand]

If I saw somebody picnicking where my mother was buried as long as they weren’t being destructive or weird, I’d be happy.

side note: we have an old cemetery on our property and plan to be buried there.

another side note: the cemetery is down a hill and across 2 fields from my home. I’ve told the kids th at I’ll leave money in my will to build a tall spooky iron fence (currently it’s chain link) then I want them to grow corn in the fields around it and cut a corn maze into the field leading to the gate of the graveyard . Then on Halloween, I want everyone to go through the corn maze to where there are people dressed up as ghosts from past generations giving out candy. Also, a fog machine.

[Melissa Louise]

7 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

If I saw somebody picnicking where my mother was buried as long as they weren’t being destructive or weird, I’d be happy.

side note: we have an old cemetery on our property and plan to be buried there.

another side note: the cemetery is down a hill and across 2 fields from my home. I’ve told the kids th at I’ll leave money in my will to build a tall spooky iron fence (currently it’s chain link) then I want them to grow corn in the fields around it and cut a corn maze into the field leading to the gate of the graveyard . Then on Halloween, I want everyone to go through the corn maze to where there are people dressed up as ghosts from past generations giving out candy. Also, a fog machine.

Very cool 😎

[Emba]

Considering that the cemetery in my hometown was apparently where teenagers went to make out (no, I don’t know I’m what proximity to actual graves) picnicking peacefully seems preferable. 

I think as long as people aren’t desecrating graves, and are showing respect for the feelings that others may have attached to the dead/the space where they are buried, then it’s odd (to me) but not bad.

 

 

[Scarlett]

I think local custom would need to be considered.  I have tromped around cemeteries my entire life. We were taught not to step ‘on’ a grave if we could help it…..just a few weeks ago I was far into the country with my parents at the cemetery where my infant brother is buried.  I had to tinkle….so off in to the adjoining woods I went.  And yes I carried out the tissue I took.  I am sure there are some people who would be horrified by that….but no one in my part of the world would be.  
 

I have eaten many a meal in the cemetery. It is a great gathering place….it has been.  I see the tradition fading.

[rebcoola]

Totally fine to me.  When I was growing up good family friends lived on the cemetery grounds in a caretakers house. We visited often and treated it more like a park.  Dont tromp on graves if you can help it and dont touch things leftnon the graves.  We even drove dirt bikes but only on the un-used side and when it was closed.

[kbutton]

The local cemetery where I grew up was used pretty commonly for exercise--walking, biking, etc. It has older and newer parts and lots of paved car paths. It's historic (I have Civil War era ancestors buried there and maybe some even older), but it's still used in an ongoing way.

A picnic would be unexpected, but as long as people were not littering or hauling out a barbecue grill, I don't think anyone would think much of it. 

[Elizabeth86]

Dinner on the ground 

https://digitalheritage.org/2012/04/dinner-on-the-ground/

An Appalachian thing that has pretty much died out here, but everyone I know knew this used to be a thing, so I don’t think anyone would find it weird.

[Teaching3bears]

If I remember correctly, the children in one of the Anne of Green Gables series books would play and sometimes picnic in the graveyard.  

[history-fan]

Well historically in some locations cemeteries were like the town park and church picnics were often held in the cemetery. I have heard the term "granite orchard" to describe cemeteries  too.

[elegantlion]

I would have no problem with it. The cemetery where my dad is buried is very rural,  you can hear cows and see wind turbines in part of the landscape. Beyond that it's quiet and one of the most peaceful places I go. It's definitely worthy of a picnic. 

[Melissa Louise]

I'm glad it's not seen as disrespectful.

[DawnM]

If anyone wants to go have a picnic with my mom, let me know, I will point you to her grave.   She would love the company.

[MercyA]

My grandma has lived near our town's cemetery for 70 years, and I spent many summer holidays of my childhood playing in the cemetery. We rode bikes through it, found our favorite headstones, walked and chatted. My dad and his brothers hunted ground squirrels there with their dog, played pranks on teenagers visiting the cemetery at night, and sat on top of the mausoleum looking at the stars. When someone shot fireworks out of the cemetery cannon, everyone thought it was my dad and uncles. (It wasn't, and they know who did it!) 🙂 

I have such fond, happy, peaceful memories of cemeteries and I still love walking in them now. I would have no problem with anyone picnicking in one, including our small town's, which is still used for burials.

[Idalou]

The towns here have cemetery cleaning days and many stay to have lunch in the graveyard. When my parents bought their burial plots they were so pleased that we would often go there to sit and picnic. I was still very young.This was decades before any death. I have a wacky family for sure. My mother had me take a photo of her and my pop sitting with their backs against the headstone. Years later she told me that I was conceived in a patch of wild strawberry plants in an old abandoned cemetery in Pennsylvania.

[Drama Llama]

13 minutes ago, Idalou said:

 I was conceived in a patch of wild strawberry plants in an old abandoned cemetery in Pennsylvania.

Now we know why you are so sweet!

[barnwife]

Both my dad and my FIL are buried overlooking rivers (different rivers). They'd be nice places to picnic. 

I mean, I'd hope people take any garbage with them, but as long as they are respectful, have at it. Being respectful in this case (to me) would include not moving decorations that are there and being willing to move if someone comes to visit a particular grave. I guess it would also mean aborting there plans if they arrived and a burial is taking place.
 

[Pam in CT]

I puffy heart loooove the Dia de los Muertos concept. Bring the whole extended family to the graveyard with a mondo picnic with all the favorite foods of all the dead loved ones, and sing or play their favorite songs, and bring them up to date on all the new spouses and babies, and share all the juicy gossip, and dig in to the idea that they still live in the hearts of the family they left behind.

HOW AWESOME IS THAT?

THAT is the content I'm looking for, when I am dead.

So, yes, respectful picnics are fine.

 

 

(which reminds me of the fourth best Disney movie of all time, for anyone who managed to miss it:

)

[Terabith]

When my kids were little, we went to cemeteries ALL the time.  The paths were perfect for scooters; it was great for running around when we wanted less crowds than playgrounds.  Bikes and such were good, too, but I had some issues with getting them in my trunk.  No issues with teens picnicking or hanging in cemeteries.  Where would we be if Mary Shelley hadn't done so?

[Terabith]

Also, my husband and I play Pokemon Go, and cemeteries are great places to play.  Except for the time it closed early and we got locked in and had to hop the fence, abandoning the car, and hike till we could get someone to come pick us up.  

[Melissa in Australia]

1 hour ago, Teaching3bears said:

If I remember correctly, the children in one of the Anne of Green Gables series books would play and sometimes picnic in the graveyard.  

Wasn't it in one of the Anne of Green gable books that someone was grazing their cows in the cemetery and the cows were stepping on the gravestones and cracking them. 

Edited January 5, 2022 by Melissa in Australia
Oh my, I just realised I forgot the e

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

As a teenager, I used to have picnics on Catherine Beecher’s(sister of Harriet Beecher Stowe and famed educator and feminist in her own right) grave.  Not because of any particular sentimentalism towards her, but because it’s a nice section of flat area in that cemetery. Mark Twain’s grave isn’t far away, but I never hung out there because it’s a weirdly designed family plot and no good place to eat sandwiches.

I love cemeteries though and find them fascinating.  I always wonder what interesting stories never got told.

[maize]

We have picnicked next to MiL's grave.

I don't personally think graveyards need to be solemn. I wouldn't, say, play frisbee in one but sitting and chatting and eating doesn't bother me. 

[LMD]

7 hours ago, Spryte said:

This wouldn’t bother me.

I walked home from school through a large cemetery when in HS. We often sat on benches, read gravestones, possibly snacked while reading and talking. (And now I have old Smiths songs running through my head — a dreaded sunny day, so I meet you at the cemetery gates, Keats and Yates are on your side ... Yep. That was my HS experience!) If we’d thought to have a “punk picnic” we might have called it that, totally would’ve fit. We didn’t deface anything, we were just walking home, talking, sometimes laughing and sometimes serious. 

Oh! And another friend, in middle school, lived in a historic house with a very old cemetery attached — confederate war age, maybe older, graves. I have no recollection of who was buried there, but think no one of note, just very old graves. She had her birthday parties there, and huge picnics. Not on the graves or anything, but it was the only “yard” area they had, so would be considered in the graveyard. It just wasn’t a big deal. 

I had almost exactly the same experience in highschool. Sometimes walking alone, sometimes with a friend. Just a nice, interesting walk.

I think a picnic would only bother me if it was in a newer part of the cemetery with the likelihood of bumping into regular ceremonies or mourners.

[SKL]

I think it is possible and OK to be in a graveyard doing things other than grieving, and simultaneously respecting the graves.

I don't know what a "punk picnic" is, so I am not opining specifically on that activity.

[Eos]

7 hours ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

I love cemeteries though and find them fascinating.  I always wonder what interesting stories never got told.

Me too!  I sometimes try to figure out what year there were epidemics and such by going through the dates on siblings' graves.  I love reading the poems. I take my kids grave-rubbing every year (we are very careful not to get crayon on the stones.)  The carvings and their meanings are fascinating, and I like to feel that my presence is welcomed.

https://www.thoughtco.com/photo-gallery-of-cemetery-symbolism-4123061#:~:text=A hand with the index,human beings and with God.

https://www.boston.gov/departments/parks-and-recreation/iconography-gravestones-burying-grounds

[Farrar]

Totally don't think it's disrespectful. And obviously some cultures even have specific traditions around visiting graves with food. But there are some cemeteries here that have very specific rules against it, so I would follow those. 

[TechWife]

Generally, this sounds fine to me as long as they are respectful, don't engage in vandalism and leave the area if there is a family visiting a nearby grave or if there is a burial occurring.

 

[73349]

It sounds fine to me, as long as there's no damage or littering going on.

I would like to throw out there, too, that any land where people have lived for a long time might be someone's unmarked grave. So even if we deliberately pick a park rather than a current/recent graveyard, there's no reason to think no one was ever buried there. For all I know, every playground in town could have been a burial place 500 or 5000 years ago.

[Navymom]

Google the term "cemetery etiquette" There are many lists that come up and most are similar to the one below.

I think a picnic, especially in a historic cemetery, would be fine as long as it was quiet and respectful of others.

Cemetery Etiquette

1. Please stay in the designated walkways, off cemetery lots and do not touch any memorials or decorations.
2. Appreciate the memorials as they are. Do not add to, take away from, or modify a memorial in any way, even if you have exceptionally good taste. If it's not yours, don't touch it.
3. Show respect for the dead and for their surviving families and loved ones. Do not intrude on funeral or memorial services. Do not bring alcohol, firearms, or entertainment items into cemeteries.
4. Keep the volume of your music at a level you alone can hear. Always be considerate of others.
5. Well-behaved children under the direct supervision of responsible adults are welcome. Teach your children to respect cemeteries. Running, playing, and noisy activities are not appropriate in cemeteries. Touching, pushing or climbing on memorials is unacceptable and can be hazardous.
6. Keep your pets under control on a leash away from cemetery memorials and decorations. Clean up after your pets.
7. Enjoy the natural peace and serenity of the cemetery. Do not litter (this includes cigarette butts) and do not interfere with the plants and wildlife that inhabit the site.
8. Keep your vehicle on designated roadways or in parking areas. Idling vehicle engines can be harmful to historical structures. Please do not block cemetery roadways, allow room for another vehicle to pass by. Take your keys and lock your vehicle when visiting a loved one's grave.
9. Know the cemetery rules and regulations and abide by them. Respectful group activities, tours, and special events must be registered in advance. Promptly report any suspicious activities to management.
10. Rubbing of cemetery memorials, as well as products used to enhance the readability of time worn inscriptions, is prohibited due to the damage it causes to the memorials.

 

Edited January 5, 2022 by Navymom

[MEmama]

5 hours ago, Eos said:

Me too!  I sometimes try to figure out what year there were epidemics and such by going through the dates on siblings' graves.  I love reading the poems. I take my kids grave-rubbing every year (we are very careful not to get crayon on the stones.)  The carvings and their meanings are fascinating, and I like to feel that my presence is welcomed.

https://www.thoughtco.com/photo-gallery-of-cemetery-symbolism-4123061#:~:text=A hand with the index,human beings and with God.

https://www.boston.gov/departments/parks-and-recreation/iconography-gravestones-burying-grounds

Re the pointing index finger in your first link: DH and I recently stopped at a small roadside plot and were looking at dates (I also look out for epidemics) and so on. It appeared to be a former family plot of some ship captain from pre Revolutionary times up to the civil war, iirc. Anyway, one headstone had a pointing finger and both of us saw it as a middle finger—I even sent a photo to my family and that’s how they initially interpreted it as well. Lol. I just figured the deceased had either a really tough life or an excellent sense of humour. 🤣

[SKL]

I also enjoy exploring cemeteries.  The way I do it is to just walk through on the paths and read the inscriptions.

As a young city kid, I did find the nearest cemetery to be a nice place for a picnic.  I hope I behaved well, though I can't say I recall for sure.  We never got kicked, out if that means anything.

[Janeway]

17 hours ago, Melissa Louise said:

I'm curious. 

For other people ( like me) who wouldn't read or remove a grave note, how do you feel about people having a picnic in an (old) graveyard? 

I ask because ds met bonus kid at a punk picnic in a historic graveyard here. This didn't bother me - they don't disrespect the graves, they just sit there (pre-Covid) and talk punk music/politics, but they also have lunch. 

I would feel weird about it if it was a current grave site. 

Disrespectful? (It's fine of you think it is, I won't be offended). 

I'd never really thought about it, that's all. I was dragged to lots of historic graveyards as a kid but haven't really thought about them much. 

 

What do you mean by historic grave site? If dead bodies are still there, it is a current grave site, even if it is also historic. 

I worry that the theme of the punk picnic was to bring the grave factor to the picnic rather than the history. In which case, I don't think that is actually respectful. If it were about the history and showing respect, then it is fine. 

[Corbster98]

When I attended an all girls boarding school for high school, I would study in the historic cemetary across the street. It was beautiful, peaceful and relaxing. Just my blanket, books and notes.....

My parents are buried in a beautiful cemetary in NC...I would  love to go sit with my Mom/ Dad and would picnic there regularly if I lived close again.

Edited January 5, 2022 by allySW

[Melissa Louise]

4 hours ago, Janeway said:

What do you mean by historic grave site? If dead bodies are still there, it is a current grave site, even if it is also historic. 

I worry that the theme of the punk picnic was to bring the grave factor to the picnic rather than the history. In which case, I don't think that is actually respectful. If it were about the history and showing respect, then it is fine. 

I mean that people are not being buried there in the present day. 

By picnic, I mean not that it was themed, but it is where the alternative youth of the suburb meet to chat/eat on a weekend.