just out of curiosity - children's

[gardenmom5]

 post secondary education.  what are your expectations for them?

I've made this a poll.  I would like to know what is more typical, and how it jives with some anecdotal observations.

 it is multiple choice - but please only answer questions 1 - 6 ONE TIME.

please read all the way to the end.

eta: I meant for the skilled job training to include skilled trades.  I'm sorry that wasn't clear, and I have edited the poll to reflect that.

 

Edited March 17, 2019 by gardenmom5

[Shoeless]

Funny enough, I was just thinking about what my hopes were for DS10. 

College is fine, some sort of skilled trade/certificate program is fine, joining the military is fine.  I mostly just hope that he has a plan for his future, some sort of path he wants to travel down, that will lead to him having interesting work, good relationships, and being self-supporting. I was so very aimless when I graduated high school, was shuffled off to college without a clue, and then failed spectacularly.  I hope he does not follow my lead.

[TechWife]

Puppies are cute. 

I have a bachelors degree, dh has a masters. We expected our son to go to college. He went to a four year uni for two years and now lives at home and works as a loader at Lowe’s. It has been the best thing for him. I don’t know whether or not he will go back to college or get training. It isn’t my decision to make. Expectations are funny things. 

[Jenny in Florida]

I struggled a bit deciding between options #1 and #2 (although "puppies are cute" was a no-brainer). 

We always said that we expected our kids to achieve some kind of post-secondary education or training, whether that was vocational or a more traditional four-year college program or something else we hadn't thought of that turned out to be right for that kiddo. Realistically, though, in the absence of some specific reason otherwise and given our kids' academic abilities, we pretty much assumed each would earn at least a bachelor's. 

At this point, things are still a little in flux with our son. He has earned an associate's degree and a technical certificate but has taken off most of the last year to find a way forward, academically, that he feels good about pursuing. He does still intend to finish his B.A. (and actually has more raw credit hours than most four-year degrees require), but needs to settle into some kind of plan to make that happen.

Our daughter finished her B.A. early, took some time off, earned a non-academic credential and is now back in school doing her graduate degree.

So, on average, we're right on track.

[Pen]

 

I don’t know what my child will do.  And we are 2 years and two months away from high school graduation.  

I have college degree plus additional degree.

 I expect my child to do *something* after graduation:  college, other training, or work.

I don’t think he knows what he wants to do yet.  Figuring that out, or at least a basic direction, seems like a major goal.  

Edited March 17, 2019 by Pen

[Corraleno]

I had to click 2 of the first 6 choices, because I have different expectations for different kids. I have one who has clearly been headed for a PhD since he was about 5, and another that I am hoping will get a 2 yr degree in something practical or at least get some other kind of job training rather than assume she can support herself by working at Claire's for the rest of her life. If I had another child who wanted to go into a trade, I would be perfectly fine with that, too — in fact I would encourage it. I think the push for everyone to get a college degree is leading to a dearth of really good, skilled tradespeople, who often make more money than someone with a generic BA anyway.

(ETA: both parents have advanced degrees)

Edited March 17, 2019 by Corraleno

[Arcadia]

My kids are unfortunately as bad as us (parents) in trades so whatever job they do would have to be more mentally demanding than skill demanding. My brother has the skills and ability to be a car mechanic and the skills for basic carpentry work (homemade furniture), but couldn’t get a job in those fields so he is working as a security guard. My dad was helping in his parents family business of metalwork since he was a kid but he is not as skillful as the workers so it makes more sense for my dad to get a teaching diploma in the 60s than to work for his dad.

[alisoncooks]

Not sure how to vote. I have a bachelors, DH almost has a masters. 

For my kids: I expect some kind of secondary education or training that would prepare kiddo for employment. I don't know what that'll look like (my kids are middle schoolers). 

[sweet2ndchance]

I don't know how to vote either. I have a 4 year degree in Information Technology/Computer Science. My ex has an adult high school diploma (he didn't graduate on time but rather than go back for a second senior year, he went through a program called "adult high school". It doesn't award a GED but an alternate high school diploma). My current husband has some college but didn't finish due to health problems.

I didn't have any expectations for my kids after high school other than to find what makes them happy and figure out what they need to do to make that happen. For my oldest son (almost 21) he joined the military as enlisted. That was his dream, he made it happen and he is happy and employed. Living on his own. I'm happy that he is happy even if it isn't what I would have chosen for him. My second oldest son(19) is a fast food shift manager. I am encouraging him to look at other options and find his passion. While there is nothing wrong with what he is doing, it just really isn't the best fit for him and I think he is capable of so much more. He's not necessarily happy but he is getting by which is why I'm encouraging him to keep looking for something more. My oldest daughter graduates this year. She has been doing dual enrollment and plans to go to college to work in radiology but she doesn't know if she wants to be a tech or an MD. I will support her either way. She has the intelligence and determination to do either so I'm really interested to see what she decides. My other 3 kids still have a lot of school ahead of them still so I can't really say for sure where they will be when they graduate. I imagine my younger daughter will also go to college, not sure for what though. My youngest two boys are still in elementary school so no clue really what's in store for them.

Like I said, my only expectation after they graduate is for them to find what makes them happy and if they don't know, then I want them to be exploring their interests to find it. I'm fine with them taking a year or even a few years of working in the real world or trying out different paid or unpaid positions to find what makes them happy.

[Bambam]

I voted - but mine are adults - one is a college junior and definitely plans to finish her BS and plans to add at least her MS, maybe PhD.

Youngest is graduating this year. She is planning to go to college. 

When they were younger, I encouraged them to consider what they wanted to do, took them on various field trips (some organized around occupations) to try to help them figure it out. I also had them take a couple of career interest surveys.

Now, because both parents had college degrees, did we make that an 'unspoken' expectation? I don't think so, but I'm not sure I would see it anyway!

The majority of their friends growing up had college educated parents so the expectation was definitely that those kids were planning on following in the footsteps of their parents. As far as I can tell, they all have. 

[Ausmumof3]

Neither of us had college and I voted skill based training but that still doesn’t perfectly reflect even with all the options.  It’s more - that’s a minimum expectation but hopefully they will follow a direction suited to their interests abilities and personalities.  One I can see doing a trade, another doing university studies.

[Zoo Keeper]

I would like all my children to seek some sort of skill training, employment, or continuing education after high school.  Both DH and I have a bachelor's, as do almost all our siblings.  But we do recognize that getting that BA or BS is not the only path to healthy, happy adulting.  Especially when attaining that degree can lead to crippling debt that actually ends up limiting future choices...

I currently have two high schoolers; one has plans for a traditional college experience, the other is looking more into a trade school/vo-tech type of path.  Good choices for both of them.

[Crimson Wife]

Like one of the PP, I have different expectations for different children. My oldest two are absolutely capable of earning a bachelor's degree at minimum. Finances are not an obstacle to the CC-and-transfer-to-a-state school route. Possibly by the time my 7th grader is old enough to attend we might be in a position to afford 4 years at a private college.

My 3rd has multiple disabilities and while it's too early to know for sure, there is a very real possibility that she won't be able to do a bachelor's or even associate's degree (as opposed to participating in one of the special programs for adults with developmental disabilities).

My 4th is an infant and while we hope he will be typically developing, it's far too soon to tell.

[gardenmom5]

I forgot how many have much younger kids who aren't even at the high school level yet.  and the fact I'm old enough to be the  mother of some members of this board...

i'm old...

55 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

My spouse has a bachelors in mechanical engineering.  He did not start college until we got married, which was 14 yrs after he graduated high school, and he graduated just about 8 yrs ago.

My DD23 was expected to get a college degree, but from the time she was like 10, her dream was to be a meteorologist.  Not a tv meteorologist, but a NWS severe storms meteorologist.  That requires a degree.  She went to college after high school and ended up changing her major, and currently, loves the job she does (GIS related.)  She is still super interested in weather and has mentioned potentially going for a masters in meteorology, but only after some.....time off lol.  If she does, that's fine, if not, that's fine.  But, we expected her to go to college because she dreamed of a career that required a degree.

 

What I expected for her and what I expect for my other 3 kids, as they proceed through high school, is that they work to create a plan to support themselves through adulthood.  That plan might include college, it might not.  For my nephew, it meant joining the navy after high school, and my DH did the same.  If any of my kids wanted that instead, that would be fine.  If they preferred instead to just seek out a job that pays the bills.........honestly, I am good with that too.  I am more concerned with them crafting a plan and achieving their goals, than I am with that goal being XYZ.  

 

I think that is more in  line with the question I was attempting to ask.  I have two who started, stopped, changed and I despaired at times they'd ever get their acts together to be gainfully employed in a manner that would pay their bills.  they both graduate in June, heading for a MS, the other a professional certification.  

reality is -  life/families cost money and you need to be able to pay the bills.

 

41 minutes ago, TechWife said:

Puppies are cute. 

I have a bachelors degree, dh has a masters. We expected our son to go to college. He went to a four year uni for two years and now lives at home and works as a loader at Lowe’s. It has been the best thing for him. I don’t know whether or not he will go back to college or get training. It isn’t my decision to make. Expectations are funny things. 

kids are different, and ability is different.  I don't know if you only have one.  I have friend with one adult son still at home, that's what he's currently capable of doing.  her other kids have done.  but that's what he needs.

 

23 minutes ago, Corraleno said:

I had to click 2 of the first 6 choices, because I have different expectations for different kids. I have one who has clearly been headed for a PhD since he was about 5, and another that I am hoping will get a 2 yr degree in something practical or at least get some other kind of job training rather than assume she can support herself by working at Claire's for the rest of her life. If I had another child who wanted to go into a trade, I would be perfectly fine with that, too — in fact I would encourage it. I think the push for everyone to get a college degree is leading to a dearth of really good, skilled tradespeople, who often make more money than someone with a generic BA anyway.

general expectations - sometimes specific expectations are different because their abilities are different.

and as 1dd would say - there are degrees of which mother would not approve.  re: generic BAs.  (I kept asking her what she was going to do with a classics degree.  she'd planned on a phd in a real field, but her health prevented her.  she got computer certs and does very well.  she just talked to her classmate who did get her phd - in an obscure academic subject - and is still looking for a job.)

some kids do well with trades, and some trades pay well. -  they are marketable skills.

unless you're talking about an expectation that girls go to college for a M. R. S. degree  (I've known a few parents.  fainting emoji)...

17 minutes ago, Arcadia said:

My kids are unfortunately as bad as us (parents) in trades so whatever job they do would have to be more mentally demanding than skill demanding. My brother has the skills and ability to be a car mechanic and the skills for basic carpentry work (homemade furniture), but couldn’t get a job in those fields so he is working as a security guard. My dad was helping in his parents family business of metalwork since he was a kid but he is not as skillful as the workers so it makes more sense for my dad to get a teaching diploma in the 60s than to work for his dad.

sorry, I don't understand what "as bad as us in trades"?

different areas have different demands, specialty trade skills included.

 

[Kidlit]

I don't know what to expect anymore.  I did vote for 4 yr degree because I hold education in high esteem and higher learning means something to me.  I have a B.S. Ed. and 1.5 master's degrees.  My dh has a bachelor's, master's, and a specialist degree (between master's and doctorate). All four of my children, it seems to me, are academically capable of achieving at least a four year degree (though it may be too soon to tell about my youngest, but he appears to be developing normally with no learning challenges except for being the family pet LOL).  

However.

Lately, I've been thinking about how it would be okay, maybe even preferable at this point to me, if I (and maybe more pointedly, my dh, since he's the family breadwinner) had a "regular" job instead of a "career" and could do the job, come home, and not think about it again until the next shift. His job is not like that at all, and neither have most of the jobs I've had.  (We are both educators in some capacity or other.)  I suspect a big part of this is that my time and relationships mean more to me than anything, so the idea of more money that I have to trade hours of my life for really isn't appealing. My dad was a blue collar worker my entire life, and I see a certain benefit to the type of job he had.  It was physically demanding, but when he was off, he was really off.  He made a decent living.  

I don't know.

It's something to think about, for sure. 

[marbel]

I voted that I would expect my kid(s) to go to uni or get other job training.  I have a bachelors and my husband has a masters.

Both my kids did 2  years at CC and are moving toward transferring to finish a bachelors.  Honestly, I wish one of my kids had taken a different path, going for a certificate in a field this child is skilled and talented in.  But, the child had other plans.

Someone said expectations are funny things.  Indeed. I try to keep mine low. 

I do want my kids to have further education and have fulfilling careers that will support them and any families they may create.

[Storygirl]

DH has a bachelor's degree, and I have a BA and a master's degree. I loved college and would have anticipated that my children would attend, but I'm not sure it will turn out that way, and that's okay. I want them to be able to support themselves and pursue a career in an area of interest, but a college degree may not be required for all of them.

DD17 is a junior and has no ideas yet. I see a good path for her with a certain two-year degree, but she hasn't decided yet. If she doesn't form a plan before graduation, she can work or attend community college and live with us until she figures it out. We are not opposed to a four-year degree for her, if she has goals that require it, but with the cost of college today, we won't send her away to a four-year school just to take classes while she figures things out. It's tough to make decisions like these at such a young age. If she needs more time and doesn't go to school right away, it's okay with us.

DS14 is not likely to attend college. We'd like him to do a vocational school program or other job training before graduation, to help him find a job.

DS13 is in seventh grade, so there is a lot of time for him to change his plans. He thinks he would like to study chemistry or some kind of web design. I think he is the most likely to attend a four-year college, although if he chooses a career that does not require it, an alternate path to employment would be fine.

DD13 thinks she would like to be a vet tech, which is a 2 or 3 year degree.

I love the idea of college being a time of growth and discovery and maturity that has benefits beyond career training. It was that way for me. But whereas college was definitely expected when I was growing up, the cost of college has affected my thoughts about what might be best for my own children. If college is not needed for their career prep, an alternate path may be preferable.

[DesertBlossom]

DH and I both have degrees. My parents were of the mindset that any college degree was worth having and made you more employable, regardless of what your degree was in. 

I feel like things have changed enough and tuition rates increased to the point that not all college degrees are worth the same. 

I will encourage my kids to go to college as long as the degree they intend to pursue actually makes them employable and is worth the cost. I don't think the student loans are worth it for some degrees. I think trade schools are good options as well.

 In a nutshell... I am inclined to encourage them towards college but will be just fine with other options if it opens up good employment opportunities for them.

[gardenmom5]

37 minutes ago, Bambam said:

 

When they were younger, I encouraged them to consider what they wanted to do, took them on various field trips (some organized around occupations) to try to help them figure it out. I also had them take a couple of career interest surveys.

Now, because both parents had college degrees, did we make that an 'unspoken' expectation? I don't think so, but I'm not sure I would see it anyway!

The majority of their friends growing up had college educated parents so the expectation was definitely that those kids were planning on following in the footsteps of their parents. As far as I can tell, they all have. 

I once worked for a woman whose father was a surgeon. she wanting nothing to do with medicine, so was pursuing an English degree so she could get that piece of paper. she loved the microbiology class she took, and thought she could be a research biologist.  her father sat her down and asked: do you want to take the orders, or give the orders? - she's a surgeon.

I think checking out different subjects is good even at the college level.  they may try something they never had supposed and like it.    2ds took one accounting class on a lark.  he gets his BA in accounting in June, and has been interning at a CPA firm for two years.

kids do change majors - only one didn't.  (she'd get mad at me every time I asked what she was going to do with a BA in classics?  I would salve my concerns that it makes a great undergrad. she wasn't healthy enough for grad school.  she went to work, but only when she went out and got a bunch of computer certs and started working in IT, and gained experience, was she  mentally stimulated.)

22 minutes ago, Dotwithaperiod said:

Dh and I have bachelors, neither of us worked in our major field.

We always assumed our son would attend college. He’s due to get his master’s this summer, then on towards the PhD.

I dont' think this is particularly uncommon.  dh's niece has a BS in microbiology.  she's a database administrator.  her husband has a degree in landscape architecture.  he's a software architect.  another niece has a degree in graphic arts... she worked as a nanny and baker.  she's now a deputy on their state patrol.

4 minutes ago, marbel said:

I voted that I would expect my kid(s) to go to uni or get other job training.  I have a bachelors and my husband has a masters.

Both my kids did 2  years at CC and are moving toward transferring to finish a bachelors.  Honestly, I wish one of my kids had taken a different path, going for a certificate in a field this child is skilled and talented in.  But, the child had other plans.

Someone said expectations are funny things.  Indeed. I try to keep mine low. 

I do want my kids to have further education and have fulfilling careers that will support them and any families they may create.

that can be a good route.  cheaper, and teachers often have more time for students.  both sons did it that way.    

and: life is what happens when you're making other plans.

[TABmom]

I have a degree and my dh has an advanced degree. My dh was the first generation in his family to go to college, but on my side, everyone has gone. (My great grandmother, grandmother, mom, and sister all graduated from the same college with education degrees!) I literally did not know that college was optional until 8th grade. I just assumed it was the next step after high school. Just like high school is the next step after middle school. I do assume/expect them to go to college. However, I will not be disappointed if they choose a trade or another path.  I am trying to raise them in a way that values life long learning. My kids are still pretty young, the oldest is 11. So who knows what could happen!!

[NorthwestMom]

DH and I both have Master's degrees. I expect my kids will find whatever path works best for each individual. 

[gardenmom5]

13 minutes ago, DesertBlossom said:

DH and I both have degrees. My parents were of the mindset that any college degree was worth having and made you more employable, regardless of what your degree was in. 

I feel like things have changed enough and tuition rates increased to the point that not all college degrees are worth the same.  -DING DING DING, we have a winner!!!

I will encourage my kids to go to college as long as the degree they intend to pursue actually makes them employable and is worth the cost. I don't think the student loans are worth it for some degrees. I think trade schools are good options as well.

 In a nutshell... I am inclined to encourage them towards college but will be just fine with other options if it opens up good employment opportunities for them.

did your parents have degrees?  though tbh: most degrees granted 50 years ago were more relevant than too many of the degrees kids are pursuing today.  I have a list of "this is not a useful degree" 

we do know a family where several of the kids pursued music degrees - they were also expected to get a degree in something that paid their bills.  I thought that was a fair trade off.

 

[Pen]

 

56 minutes ago, Ausmumof3 said:

hopefully they will follow a direction suited to their interests abilities and personalities.  

 

This.  Could it be added to the options?

 

[Scarlett]

Expectations is a weird word for me with regards to how my son leads his adult life.  My hope is that he find a way to be happy, healthy and productive.  To have strong relationships and a dignified manner of paying his bills and supporting himself and a family someday.  There are many paths to that goal.  

Edited March 18, 2019 by Scarlett

[ScoutTN]

We are still some years out from this, but I expect one to go to college. One might thrive without it. Dh and I both have master's degrees. 

[gardenmom5]

4 minutes ago, TABmom said:

I have a degree and my dh has an advanced degree. My dh was the first generation in his family to go to college, but on my side, everyone has gone. (My great grandmother, grandmother, mom, and sister all graduated from the same college with education degrees!) I literally did not know that college was optional until 8th grade. I just assumed it was the next step after high school. Just like high school is the next step after middle school. I do assume/expect them to go to college. However, I will not be disappointed if they choose a trade or another path.  I am trying to raise them in a way that values life long learning. My kids are still pretty young, the oldest is 11. So who knows what could happen!!

dh's family is similar.  a "basic education" is a bachelors degree. though that said - both of his parents received masters in their 40s/50s, and he has a masters. his sister never did a thesis.

my paternal grandmother's family were all educated and/or business owners (even had a female MD in their family in the 20s/30s), but my father died and didn't pass it on. and my mother didn't care. - but she was sent to college by my  grandmother to get a M.R.S. degree.

 

[itsheresomewhere]

My hope is that they find a path that leads them to be happy and productive.  Whether that is a PhD or a trade, as long as they are happy, productive and find their path that leads to success for them. 

[BooksandBoys]

I don’t know how to vote. DH and I both have advanced degrees. We want our children to be well-prepared for their adult lives, whatever that means for them. I have two kids on the spectrum (aspie type). I try to remember what someone, was it Jean in Newcastle, once said about wishing she’d spent more high school time focusing on on developing the skills he’d need to actually support himself in adulthood rather than acedemics. 

I mean, if my kid happens to need to live in my home for an extra decade or three and work at Target while writing code in the basement, so be it. I just want him to have a plan. If he can handle going to college, awesome. If he can handle trade training, awesome. If he wants to go to the military, and they’ll have him, awesome. If he can’t do one of those things, ok. Pick any of my 3 boys for that “he.” 

Now, voting would have been easy before I had kids. 🙂 

[JenneinCA]

How about an ‘It depends on the kid’ vote?

Kid 1 wants to be an engineer.  That is going to take going to college.  So she is going to college.

Kid 2 wants to do software programming and has taken all the classes he is interested in at the local community college.  He is going to a four year school and spending his days and nights learning programming.

Kid 3 wants to write role playing game adventures and run a game shop.  Neither of these require a college degree.  More importantly, he hates the idea of doing any more school than is required.  I don’t know if he will go to college.  And that is okay.  It is his life and while I can make suggestions I can not (and don’t want to) live his life for him.

My husband and I both have four year degrees.

[Loowit]

I really depends on the kid.  When they were little I may have been more likely to say I would like them to get a bachelors or beyond, but now that is not something I really am that worried about.  I mostly want them to be happy and self supporting no matter what they decide to do.

My oldest wants to be an animator.  She has been accepted into a specialty (very expensive, private) college that specializes in gaming, computer programing, and animation degrees.  DD is starting the Bachelor of Fine Arts program in the fall and plans to minor in computer programming.  Honestly, I am a bit concerned.  She has spent this year doing courses at the local community college and is doing wonderfully.  However, I fear that with her anxiety going to this particular college is going to be too much pressure for her.  It is a very intense program with very high expectations of the students.  I really hope that I am wrong and that she flourishes.

My middle has a 20 year+ plan.  He wants to go into the coast guard and then go to college to get a degree.  Then he wants to go into law enforcement.  Some recent medical issues are making this a bit up in the air, although he seems to be getting better.  We are going to talk to a recruiter sometime soon.  He will be a junior next year, so still plenty of time for him to change his mind.

With youngest I have no clue.  I hope he will find something that works for him no matter if that is a four year degree or skill/trade training.  He has a difficult personality, but is very intelligent.

DH and I both went to college.  I have an associates degree, several years of other college classes, and then went through a medical assistant program after we got married.  DH spent about four years in college but never finished a degree.  Most of his skills are from on the job training and getting certifications in his field.

[JustEm]

I have a BS and don't use it and likely never will.  Dh didn't go to college and he has a job he loves that pays well enough. So, my expectations are that they find a way to provide for themselves in whatever way makes them happiest.  I will encourage college because in theory it makes things more marketable but there are certainly professions that don't need it.  

[Ausmumof3]

2 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

I forgot how many have much younger kids who aren't even at the high school level yet.  and the fact I'm old enough to be the  mother of some members of this board...

i'm old...

 

I think that is more in  line with the question I was attempting to ask.  I have two who started, stopped, changed and I despaired at times they'd ever get their acts together to be gainfully employed in a manner that would pay their bills.  they both graduate in June, heading for a MS, the other a professional certification.  

reality is -  life/families cost money and you need to be able to pay the bills.

 

kids are different, and ability is different.  I don't know if you only have one.  I have friend with one adult son still at home, that's what he's currently capable of doing.  her other kids have done.  but that's what he needs.

 

general expectations - sometimes specific expectations are different because their abilities are different.

and as 1dd would say - there are degrees of which mother would not approve.  re: generic BAs.  (I kept asking her what she was going to do with a classics degree.  she'd planned on a phd in a real field, but her health prevented her.  she got computer certs and does very well.  she just talked to her classmate who did get her phd - in an obscure academic subject - and is still looking for a job.)

some kids do well with trades, and some trades pay well. -  they are marketable skills.

unless you're talking about an expectation that girls go to college for a M. R. S. degree  (I've known a few parents.  fainting emoji)...

sorry, I don't understand what "as bad as us in trades"?

different areas have different demands, specialty trade skills included.

 

I think maybe she means they aren’t very good at hands on stuff?

[maize]

Bachelor's was the presumed minimum in my own family growing up; all 10 of us kids achieved that and nearly all have or are currently pursuing (some of my siblings are still in their twenties) graduate degrees.

I kinda expect the same for my kids but my primary concern is that they have some kind of decent career prospects.

[DawnM]

It was always an expectation that my kids would go to college, but then I had my son with LD's and Asperger's and I changed my tune.  But he is now in college, at a 4 year school, so I have eaten my words there.

DH has an MA and I have two MAs.  I have instilled in my kids that college is important to us.  Oldest two are now in college.  I will admit I would be disappointed if they didn't finish college, but it would still be their choice.

I came from a family that valued education.  My dad went to medical school and my mom has a BA.  DH's family did not.  Neither of his parents went to college.  He was the first in his family go finish college.  

Edited March 18, 2019 by DawnM

[Tap]

Five years ago I would have answered differently.

I told my kids I expect them to get at least an associates. I considered that to be the equivalent of a current high school diploma.  Beyond  that I expected a 4 year (or more) degree, technical training, or some specialty training that would allow them to at least live independently.  I would hope they would get a graduate degree of some kind.  Both of my older kids really value education and knowledge so I thought these were attainable goals. My expectation of an associates is also so that if they decided to go for a bachelors later, they were primed to do it. They didn't have to start at scratch to go back to school. I financially support my kids during college, so I don't have goals for them, I am not willing to back up with my own wallet.

DS24 has 2 full BA, and a Masters. He is getting ready to go back to school to become a Psychologist and maybe a psychiatrist. Goal met :0)

DD22 was thinking about becoming a doctor. She LOVES school and at the end of high school was an honor student (we ignore grade 10 LOL).  She got sick and school is now permanently off the table. She has about 6 hours of upright time per day and with her brain fog, can barely eek out a B or C in simple community college online courses (she tried 3 times). She can't work and will be filing for disability this year.  She is devastated that she can not seek an education now.  It is unlikely that she will ever finish her AA, let alone get a 4 year degree.  

DD12 has an IQ of 70. She will likely not graduate with a regular high school diploma. She is in 6th grade, but her IEP goals are at 2nd -3rd grade.  Even with those goals, she is not making much progress. Each school year, takes her about 3 years to complete. I am hoping she can learn a trade, but quite honestly, she will likely be a grocery checker or other highly repetitive job that  doesn't require and education to excel at. She can be a great person to talk to, she has a cute personality, so I can see her in the service industry where she doesn't have to remember a lot of new material, and can function with about an 8th grade education. 

 

3 kids, and 3 very different lives. 

 

Edited March 18, 2019 by Tap

[elegantlion]

I voted puppies are cute because ds is now in college and I didn't have a bachelor's yet when he graduated from high school. *MY* expectation is that he will finish his BS and then find employment. He's currently struggling in school with motivation and what life is supposed to look like after graduation and some other issues not of his doing. He MAY take a year off to reevaluate. He's pushing himself to finish this semester. He's very much like his mother and has overthought this so much it's giving him anxiety. His dad, (the ex) is mad that ds is considering quitting school, but ex doesn't have a degree and really forget that ds is technically an adult with mature thought processes of his own. 

I'm currently toying with doing a graduate certificate once I finish my master's or even going all the way for a PhD ( I found a program that would work for my situation). So while part of me is irritated with ds, he does have some sound reasoning for taking time off. My expectation was different but I love my kid enough to let go of my dream for him and allow him to craft his own life. 

[gardenmom5]

I appreciate everyone's response.  I know families with multiple kids may have kids who have needs that may require other choices.  dudeling certainly is an "other path" kid.  but even my boys didn't go directly to college, but went when ready to CC and transferred.

 

I've known/chatted with some families of late that just made me wonder about how I am perceiving things.   how do parents with college degrees perceive their own children seeking degrees.  I don't have one, and deeply resent the overt discouragement from my foo.  

I'm interested in what i'm seeing because I came from a very dysfunctional family, and there is a need to know what is "healthy".  or it may be these are the ones that just catch my attention (I know families where kids are expected to continue education/training).  my mother was pushed to college for a m.r..s degree.  she was disdainful of  education towards us. My brother spent eight years just to get a BS - but thinks if he'd have had actual support, he'd have an advanced degree in engineering. (just like I think if I'd had family support I'd have a BSN. - I have dudeling. I do NOT have time.)  but us siblings have all been much more expecting/encouraging of education with our own children.  of her 10 grandchildren, six have at least a bachelors, two more graduate in june, #9 in another couple years - then there is dudeling - who is 14, with special needs and marches to his own beat.   we'll see what happens there.

I'm seeing families where at least dad has a degree, and adult kids don't/aren't' pursuing any additional education or training of any kind.  (or a they're doing degree that makes you wonder how they're going to pay their bills with it.)  frequently adult kids are working retail. 

if they were saving money for college/training program/figuring out where they want to go from here/gap year - that would be one thing, (the boys had to figure out what they were doing to the point I worried they'd ever progress, but they got there.)  …… but I'm not seeing that (according to the parent when asked what kid was up to.)  

that doesn't include the families where kids are pursuing marketable skills, and another kid who is home because of other reasons specific to that child.  and I'm not talking about dysfunctional families, but otherwise functional ones.   and I don't think any of these are families that view girls as college is only about the m.r.s. degree. (gag me with a spork)

 

 

 

 

[PeterPan]

6 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

my mother was pushed to college for a m.r..s degree.  she was disdainful of  education towards us.

I see this a LOT.

8 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

frequently adult kids are working retail. 

If you're having to ask, maybe they're not telling you everything. This would be a pretty common outcome for a kid who has some differences. You can google and find it, but the stats on college education (what % americans graduate from college) are still really low. It's why it's a BIG DEAL to get to do that and make it through successfully. Those parents also may have had some value calculations on whether it's timely for a student to go through or whether they need bloom time and to be ready to want it.

If people have the *money* to be a little more relaxed, it's easier to be a little more flexible. Like in our family, I tell my dd find a way to give to the world, we've got your back. But not everybody is saying that. Pretty much the norm is going to be get your butt in, get a job, return on investment, lol. So I wouldn't assume too much about that family and why they're doing what they're doing. They may be wrangling with it and working things out their own way.

[LMD]

I just want my kids to find something useful to do with themselves rather than be a nuisance all their lives! 😉

I care more that they continue to be interested in stuff and self educate.

Neither dh or I have a degree. He has diplomas. I dropped out half way through my bachelor's to work.

[gardenmom5]

28 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

my mother was pushed to college for a m.r..s degree.  she was disdainful of  education towards us.

I see this A LOT

 

which - women pushed to college for a m.r.s. degree - or do you mean women who were, are resentful of college and it affects how they treat their kids education?

28 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

 

If you're having to ask, maybe they're not telling you everything. This would be a pretty common outcome for a kid who has some differences. You can google and find it, but the stats on college education (what % americans graduate from college) are still really low. It's why it's a BIG DEAL to get to do that and make it through successfully. Those parents also may have had some value calculations on whether it's timely for a student to go through or whether they need bloom time and to be ready to want it.

If people have the *money* to be a little more relaxed, it's easier to be a little more flexible. Like in our family, I tell my dd find a way to give to the world, we've got your back. But not everybody is saying that. Pretty much the norm is going to be get your butt in, get a job, return on investment, lol. So I wouldn't assume too much about that family and why they're doing what they're doing. They may be wrangling with it and working things out their own way.

well, the most recent dad i asked did complain about the child not having any other plans and how he wished she would consider at least something.  he doesn't think she's capable of a 4yr, but he'd be thrilled if she did some certificate or even an associates.

I'm familiar with the bloom time.. 1ds certainly took it, and that was after having a ccna when he graduated high school - and letting it lapse!!!!!

 

 

 

Edited March 18, 2019 by gardenmom5

[Lori D.]

We've always strongly felt that  future of each or our DSs is up to them, and while we've been happy to support/encourage them in their post-high school endeavors, AND we are honored that they include us in their adult lives, we don't believe that it is appropriate or healthy for us to put our expectations on them about what they should do about career / education / relationships / etc. 😉

[SKL]

Oops, I chose 2 choices for questions 1 to 6, and it isn't letting me change it.

I chose that I expect my kids to pursue 4 year degrees AND seek employment, and I have at least a 4 year degree.

My reason is that they both express interest in careers that require higher education.  I would be fine with a kid going into a reasonably lucrative trade if that was what they chose as a career.  One of them might end up doing this if something makes her first choice unattainable / unattractive.

I don't have a spouse, so that part didn't have an applicable answer for me.

Edited March 18, 2019 by SKL

[Melissa in Australia]

none of those options. Here in Australia there is the option of other types of Tertiary education  https://www.teqsa.gov.au/australian-qualifications-framework

 it is expected that all my children  will have some form of tertiary education that will lead to employment- I have a 4 year bachelor degree

Child one - a 4 year degree with honors - Aerospace Engineer

 child 2 and 3 - 2  1/2 year diploma of Conservation and Environment

Child 4 currently studying 4 year degree Industrial Design ( she is in second year)

 it is expected that child 5 will do a Diploma  at TAFE level OR a trade

 

 the Twins , because of their disabilities, don't have these expectations

 

Edited March 18, 2019 by Melissa in Australia

[Carrie12345]

I voted for puppies. My husband has a 4yr degree. I do not.

I have 5 children, each with their own interests, talents, and dreams. I expect them to follow the path that’s right for them. I currently have a child aiming to finish a 4yr music degree (after much more than 4 years, but beginning at 16.) I have another aiming to get a year of community college done by high school graduation and her 2yr degree after that. Her plan could kind of be lumped in with the trades, I suppose. I have another considering nursing. No idea about the youngest two yet.

If my kids want to pursue their goals, they’re expected to take the steps needed to get there. Different goals take different paths.

[Carrie12345]

5 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

I've known/chatted with some families of late that just made me wonder about how I am perceiving things.   how do parents with college degrees perceive their own children seeking degrees.  I don't have one, and deeply resent the overt discouragement from my foo.  

I’m sorry that happened to you.
I was pushed pretty hard to get a 4yr degree. I was given a full scholarship for a local 2-yr business school, but was pressured to take the smaller scholarship for a 4-yr school. I *really* wasn’t ready, and doing poorly did a number on my self-esteem. (I also didn’t know I had ADD until I was 30.) I think I could have managed the executive functioning of commuting to a streamlined program much better.

What it did teach me was that shoving young adults into a mold (whichever one that might be) isn’t rational. They’re their own people.

[gardenmom5]

56 minutes ago, Carrie12345 said:

I’m sorry that happened to you.
I was pushed pretty hard to get a 4yr degree. I was given a full scholarship for a local 2-yr business school, but was pressured to take the smaller scholarship for a 4-yr school. I *really* wasn’t ready, and doing poorly did a number on my self-esteem. (I also didn’t know I had ADD until I was 30.) I think I could have managed the executive functioning of commuting to a streamlined program much better.

What it did teach me was that shoving young adults into a mold (whichever one that might be) isn’t rational. They’re their own people.

I'm sorry you were pushed to go where you weren't ready.

I do see a difference between encouraging - and  shoving/pushing, that is more than just semantics, but very much how the child is treated and how much respect is accorded to them.

 

[DawnM]

6 hours ago, LMD said:

I just want my kids to find something useful to do with themselves rather than be a nuisance all their lives! 😉

I care more that they continue to be interested in stuff and self educate.

Neither dh or I have a degree. He has diplomas. I dropped out half way through my bachelor's to work.

 

I remember the first time we met with the Psychologist re: our son with Asperger's.  My husband kept saying, "We just want him to be a productive member of society."  I honestly was a bit horrified.  He must have said it 3 or 4 times.  The truth (at that time) was, that I didn't know if he would ever fit DH's vision of becoming a "productive member of society."  And at that time, I had come to terms with that.  It took DH quite a bit longer to finally realize that may not work.

He is far exceeding our expectations now, and we are very thankful. 

[PrincessMommy]

I was a little confused on how to vote since you said to vote only one time.  But, I voted for multiple things...  All our kids except one are adults.  The expectation when they were little was that they would at least go to college (or trade school).. always talked about it.   We were pretty insistent that they get a useful degree (no art history or philosophy majors please).  They could minor in something like that if it was their passion.   My dh has a Masters, I am now working to complete my AA.  

As it's turned out, two opted for career paths that needed PhDs.  Two are now currently working on their Masters.  One is getting a 4+1 degree that include a certification in teaching.  

[Library Momma]

12 hours ago, TABmom said:

I have a degree and my dh has an advanced degree. My dh was the first generation in his family to go to college, but on my side, everyone has gone. (My great grandmother, grandmother, mom, and sister all graduated from the same college with education degrees!) I literally did not know that college was optional until 8th grade. I just assumed it was the next step after high school. Just like high school is the next step after middle school. I do assume/expect them to go to college. However, I will not be disappointed if they choose a trade or another path.  I am trying to raise them in a way that values life long learning. My kids are still pretty young, the oldest is 11. So who knows what could happen!!

My Experience is similar and I have parents and grandparents with college degrees.  It wasn't until I was older that I realized that People chose not to go to college.  I thought it was just the track you were placed in.  After middle school kids who weren't serious academically always went to one of the vocational high schools.  Every person who works in a trade that I know graduated from a vocational high school program of some sort.  Those that remained in the public high school or went off to an expensive prep school went to college.  I've never met someone who went to any sort of a trade school school after high school. 

I expect my kids to go to college because I know that they need a degree to get a job that will adequately support them.  I would have been fine with them going the trade route but they are in public high school now, not vocational high school, so they are past that decision in my eyes.

[Library Momma]

13 hours ago, TABmom said:

 

 

Edited March 18, 2019 by Library Momma
deleted duplicate post - Not sure why that happened