Jump to content

Menu
Giving You and Your Child a Road Map to the Best Possible Education
The Well-Trained Mind Community

Sensitive question---does anyone have a close family member in federal prison or on the s88 offender list

Ottakee

By Ottakee,
in The Chat Board

 Share

Recommended Posts

Ottakee

Ottakee

Posted
Posted

It is now pretty (ok ugly) public news that my x husband was just convicted on 4 counts of CSC in federal court.  He was arrested Feb 28 and convicted this past week.  Since his arrest I have divorced him and am getting ready to move.

I am just wondering if there is anyone else in a similar situation.  I am struggling with my kids as they never experienced any of the abuse, etc. and only know him as the loving father they had.  He likely will be in federal prison for 30-70 years (which is life given his age) 

  • Sad 37
Link to comment
Share on other sites
unsinkable

unsinkable

Posted
Posted (edited)

(((Ottakee)))

Im really sorry. My dad was detained and arrested quite a few times in my childhood but only spent time in local jails. It was really hard as a kid bc a few times the police got him at our house and the neighbors would have nothing to do with us.

i also have a relative on a sex offender list with the same last name as DH and the kids (my last name is different) and my kids heard comments about him growing up.

Edited to add: My mom also had an incident where her name ended up in a paper. She and my dad were out drink ing and they got into a fight, so she left him. She went to a diner and was so drunk they called police and she got ticketed with disturbing the peace and/or public intoxication.

This was in a small little East Bumblefudge type place and the story, (with her name), ended up in their weekly East Bumblefudge Town Crier. My dad had a co-worker who lived there and this guy brought the paper into work and circulated it around.

My dad then brought it home and shoved it in my mom's face, and my brother's and mine. And my mom said, "F+ck you, Tom*, you get arrested all the time!" Which was true, but that started a whole new fight.

*Not his name, but he did have a 1 syllable nickname and so many times I heard her say, "F+ck you, Tom" in that short, clipped seething rage way that marked the beginning of a battle.

I'm really sorry again.

Another Edit: I've been thinking about this and how I felt as a kid and what I wish could have happened.

Make sure your kids have a response prepared if people question them or make comments. 

It is probably best not to engage at all, and ignore the random comments from people you aren't close to, but since some people just won't shut up the kids can say, "It's none of your business." 

With close friends, it is trickier, bc maybe the kids DO want to talk about it. I'd say that with close friends, let yo ur kids know that can share how they are feeling. That it is Ok bc people who love them know they are not responsible for what their dad did.

Edited by unsinkable
  • Sad 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites
katilac

katilac

Posted
Posted (edited)

I'm sorry that I can't help more, but here's a link. 

This site looks like it has a lot of resources listed, including titles of books about prison, having a family member in prison, and so on.  I tried to link to the page that has books for teens that might help (even though yours are older); Wish You Were Here is written by actual teens about having a parent in prison:

https://www.prisonfellowship.org/resources/support-friends-family-of-prisoners/resources-for-children-of-prisoners/

I don't know if visits or letters are something that's on the table, but the same site has some practical information about stuff like how to contact prisoners and so on. 

I'm sending some positive energy your way, stay strong! 

Edited by katilac
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Mergath

Mergath

Posted
Posted

Not an identical situation, but maybe five years ago my dh's once-beloved uncle was caught by police at a truckstop with a teenage boy engaging in... well, you can imagine. The uncle was in his fifties. At the time, the uncle was also a representative in the state legislature. It made it all the way to Fox News, along with being on every news outlet in the state, and we share a somewhat uncommon name where we live, so even complete strangers (cashiers who saw my debit card, stuff like that) would ask, "Oh, any relation to <disgraced uncle>?

It was rough. My dh didn't have much of a relationship with his own father, who was an abusive alcoholic, and he was very close to his uncle. They didn't speak for a while, though he now communicates with him occasionally on FB. It's really hard when someone you care about does something like that. It's almost like you're grieving the death of the person you thought you know, because that person is essentially gone.

  • Like 9
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest

Guest

Posted
Posted (edited)

I am so sorry for this situation. <snipped a portion>

We also had a terrible situation in which an employee of ours was convicted of an unspeakable crime. That was also embarrasing even though he wasn’t family. Even with that situation, we didn’t tell people if they didn’t happen to learn. But most people in the industry did hear of it. 

Edited by Quill
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Ottakee

Ottakee

Posted
  • Author
Posted
1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

I am so sorry.  I have no experience with this, but I wanted to offer support.  Will he be in prison close to you?  Will the kids be able to visit him?  Very sad.  

No idea.  Federal prisons are all over the nation.  Very tough situation .

Link to comment
Share on other sites
amyx4

amyx4

Posted
Posted

I'm sorry.  My advice might not be exactly what you're looking for...but a long time ago I read a book written by Carol Kent whose son went to prison for murd*r. (We had something in our extended family going on and that book was suggested to us)  If I remember correctly, I didn't agree with all of what she wrote.  However, I do remember she wrote a bit her son's stepkids visiting him in prison and that part of the book has always stuck with me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
ktgrok

ktgrok

Posted
Posted

I don't have any experience, but I'm so sorry. And although I know you know this, just in case it helps hearing it again, remember - none of this is a reflection on you, or in anyway your fault. 

Also, perhaps Kairos Outside would be of help to you? It's for women that have relatives in prison, as well as some women who have formerly been in prison. There is a retreat as well as continued peer sharing and such. I've heard good things about it. http://www.kairosprisonministry.org/kairos-outside-womens-program.php

  • Like 9
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Annie G

Annie G

Posted
Posted

When Dd was 15 her best friend’s dad did a pretty awful thing with a 13 year old girl and will be in prison for the rest of his life. It was very public and his then wife and two kids felt on display, even though they had no idea what was going on until the situation blew up.  

11 years later his ex wife and two kids are doing well. It took a lot of time to heal and for people to stop talking about it (the guy groomed a girl through a youth theater program and flew her to California and...well, you get the idea- so it was definitely something that was talked about).  But it was hard. Hard to know who their real friends were, hard to grieve, hard to move forward. 

‘In this case both of the kids decided to cut ties with their dad and haven’t spoken to him since his arrest (and for dd’s friend, who is a guy, that brings up all kinds of internal conflict) - but I’d probably let a therapist help the kids work through it.  

I’m so very sorry.  You have a lot of emotions to sort out and it sucks that you and the kids are also victims. You didn’t do anything wrong but here you are, trying to put your life back together.    (Hugs)

 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites
unsinkable

unsinkable

Posted
Posted

I put this in my other post, too.

I've been thinking about this and how I felt as a kid and what I wish could have happened.

Make sure your kids have a response prepared if people question them or make comments. 

It is probably best not to engage at all, and ignore the random comments from people you aren't close to, but since some people just won't shut up the kids can say, "It's none of your business." 

With close friends, it is trickier, bc maybe the kids DO want to talk about it. I'd say that with close friends, let yo ur kids know that can share how they are feeling. That it is Ok bc people who love them know they are not responsible for what their dad did.

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Slache

Slache

Posted
Posted

I didn't know what an s88 offender was or what CSC stood for so I had to Google it. You might not be visiting him or including him in your life. My dad was an active part of my life.

I would counsel the kids to say that you are divorced and he is not a part of your life. It's nobody's business.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Lecka

Lecka

Posted
Posted

My husband has been to visit someone in a federal prison, but it’s a military prison, so it’s a separate system (I think).  We used to send him money for his prison account.

It was fine for my husband to visit, they had a game room with board games and he could sit and talk to him.  

He was going to be a barber, it was considered one of the best jobs.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites
G5052

G5052

Posted
Posted

I agree with developing a stock answer. I've done that because I prefer not to tell the story of our separation and DH's mental illness. Who really wants to hear that anyway?

Some friends know the whole colorful story, but it doesn't need to be common knowledge. Bottom line is that we are doing OK.

All three of us went for counselling separately and periodically have a check-up. I joined a local support group that I'm finding helpful.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
sheryl

sheryl

Posted
Posted

Just wanted to say I'm sorry to hear about this!  No, I haven't experienced.  Didn't y'all just buy new property in the last 3-4 years or so?  I thought I remembered see a thread on this.

How will this work out?  I mean, will you be close enough for your kids to see him even if it's once a year or more?  They weren't mistreated.  Will they suffer worse not seeing him?  

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Faith-manor

Faith-manor

Posted
Posted

I am so sorry, Ottakee. I don't have personal experience with this, but an extended family member does. Not the same charges though.

Her adult son was convicted of killing someone when he was high on meth. He was given 25 - life.

What helped her and the younger children in the family was that they did move just to get a fresh start. They developed a stock answer for inquiries and made it clear that they would not discuss the convicted son. She and the children did not confide in anyone except in a support group they found for families of convicts. This group was lead by social workers and professional therapists with experience in the area. That support group was her life line, and helped her teens A LOT. So I highly recommend trying to find something like that.

Her son was not in a prison nearby but it was in a somewhat reasonable commuting distance. He was kept out of the general prison population on a suicide watch and was not allowed phone calls, letters, or visits for quite a while. When he could finally be visited, she did make the commute to see him on the designated day. She determined that it was really not a good situation with that particular prison for any of the siblings to come visit. Some prisons have fairly nice, homey lounge type facilities for visits so that the family feels more at ease, but some do not. He was only in that facility for one year, and was transferred to a facility three states away. She has not seen him since then, and his siblings have never visited them. It is very, very sad. But that said, it has also allowed her younger kids to move forward and heal. She did tell me she was certain that her letters to him are opened and read before being given to him. 

I know that your adult children are special needs so I guess my recommendation would to try to find a family therapist with experience in this kind of situation in order to determine if it is appropriate for your children to continue to have any kind of contact with their dad or not.

I hope you can find some time for self care, and will seek counseling.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Ottakee

Ottakee

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thanks for all of the support.  My friends/family have been nothing but supportive.  I even have to say that one of the victims family has been incredibly supportive as well.

We did move to this place 7 years ago.  It was great then and will be great for another big family but now it will be me and the 3 kids for a few months and then just me and 2 of the kids after that.  It is more than I need or want to upkeep.

 

  • Like 8
Link to comment
Share on other sites
rebcoola

rebcoola

Posted
Posted

((Hugs)) Dh has an Uncle that molested his daughters friends and it was very public in a small town it was hard on the kids who had to move in with an Aunt.  They all left the area as soon as they were adults.  We lived 2000 miles away so no practical advice for you.  The uncle is now out and has very advanced cancer and it is very hard for the family to agree on how to deal with him and how much to contact him.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Liz CA

Liz CA

Posted
Posted

Are you wondering what kind of conversations to have with the kids / adult sons & daughters? 

If this is what you are asking, I heard someone suggest that when something traumatic happens in a family, people tend to think that everything was bad. It sort of colors all your memories - even the ones that have been good memories as you said your family remembers him as a loving Dad.

It's important, I think, to acknowledge that someone's choices / conduct leading to charges like this are reprehensible but things are not always all good or all bad. A person can make bad choices but also behave well / be good in other areas. It's a difficult kind of "split" to process. I suppose I would work toward validating the good memories while acknowledging that he also did bad things. 

So sorry you had to go through this. I am glad to hear you have IRL support.

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites
unsinkable

unsinkable

Posted
Posted
6 hours ago, Liz CA said:

Are you wondering what kind of conversations to have with the kids / adult sons & daughters? 

If this is what you are asking, I heard someone suggest that when something traumatic happens in a family, people tend to think that everything was bad. It sort of colors all your memories - even the ones that have been good memories as you said your family remembers him as a loving Dad.

It's important, I think, to acknowledge that someone's choices / conduct leading to charges like this are reprehensible but things are not always all good or all bad. A person can make bad choices but also behave well / be good in other areas. It's a difficult kind of "split" to process. I suppose I would work toward validating the good memories while acknowledging that he also did bad things. 

So sorry you had to go through this. I am glad to hear you have IRL support.

I think this is important stuff. My parents hurt each other, and our family and my dad (in particular)  hurt other people. But I love(d) them, and still do.

It is so hard to come to grips with that...that I love someone who hurt other people, and other people I also love. 

but my dad was often kind, (he was an assh*le mostly when he was drinking) always generous, he'd help anyone who needed it, he was a physically strong tireless man and was the first person called when something needed to be moved or cleared or cleaned. 

And yet, and yet...

Then when my parents died, they lost and WE lost an earthly chance at reconciliation and forgiveness. I was so young and we were in the middle of the chaos of a violent alcoholic family, then BOOM...they were gone.

I think it is similar to what you and your kids are dealing with...you have a husband and dad who  you is loving and kind to you, then BOOM, that man is gone (physically to prison  as well as that person you thought he was), and you learn that he has hurt other people.

He is still alive, and he and you have a chance at earthly reconciliation and forgivness. I'm not saying to do it or that you have or that you should, just that it might be possible. And maybe some of you want it and some of you don't. It is just a thought I'm putting out, with no opinion other than it exists (I hope that makes sense. I am NOT saying...oh, he is alive so forgive him, blah blah blah, etc).

But if you don't or your kids don't I still think it is important to come to grips with that idea of a loving husband and father who hurt others that you might still love.

  • Like 1
  • Sad 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...