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155 members have voted

  1. 1. your advice

    • buy some jewelry
      106
    • no, suck it up buttercup
      2
    • no, because everytime you wear it it will remind you of how miserable you feel/felt
      24
    • stop being childish
      0
    • other
      23


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So

 

 

 

If it was your 25th Wedding Anniversary

 

 

 

 

 

and your spouse didn't bother to get you a gift 

 

 

 

 

 

and you don't celebrate birthdays or christmas, only the  wedding anniversary

 

 

 

 

 

Is it OK to go and buy yourself some expensive jewelry 

 

 

Edited by Melissa in Australia
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I think the answer to nice jewelry is always yes.  But I would want to be super sure DH wasn't going to come through with something awesome and was just sidetracked with life right before the anniversary before making a purchase ;)

 

 

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yes. Buying it myself is the only way I am going to get nice jewelry. :) Dh and I just aren't good gift givers. I never know what to get him either, besides little nothing stuff. So we budget for gifts like that and talk about them- no surprises, and we are going on year 18. 

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I voted other.  Because in our family, DH and I would be having a SERIOUS come to Jesus talk.  From the description in the OP, there's really no reason for the DH not to think of his wife on such an occasion. 

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I voted other.  Because first I would have a conversation about what was going on, and then I would tell him it's time to take me to the jewelry store.

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I voted other.  Because first I would have a conversation about what was going on, and then I would tell him it's time to take me to the jewelry store.

but I don't want a fight- that will make everything 100 times worse than not being thought of

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I picked other because jewelry doesn't appeal, but a night at a hotel (or two) with no cooking, no kids, no guilt. That all would be more appealing to me at the moment!

 

ETA but I don't know that I could pull it off without hurt feelings, so just take this tongue-in-cheek.

Edited by SusanC
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Happy wedding anniversary!!!

 

My husband can’t remember our wedding anniversary and doesn’t remember anybody’s birthdays most of the time including his own. Gifts tend to come during Christmas break as belated gifts. If I see jewelry I like, I just send him the link with the size. To be fair, I like rings and charm bracelets as costume jewelry and I have “tiny†wrist and fingers.

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I don’t like your poll choices, because most of them seem negative toward you, and if anyone did anything wrong here, it was your husband and not you!

 

Also, you need another poll option: GET REVENGE FOR THE THOUGHTLESS TREATMENT.

 

Seriously, you don’t need to suck it up and you are not being childish. You have every right to feel hurt and angry!!!

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but I don't want a fight- that will make everything 100 times worse than not being thought of

Why would there be a fight?

 

Your husband should be apologizing profusely, not arguing with you!

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Neither of us remember our anniversaries so it wouldn’t be a big deal for us. But you have different traditions. I say pick out something you like.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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We had plans for our 25th earlier this month, then the state shut down for weather.  We haven't talked about what we want to do instead, but I wouldn't just take myself to the jeweler.  I guess I'd be having a heart to heart about what is going on that you haven't even discussed such an important date if that's all you celebrate. 

Edited by melmichigan
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2 boxes of chocolate -- lame I know - but I also made him his most favorite German Apple cake from his mother's recipe

 

When you gave it to him, what did he say?  Was he surprised?  Did he feel bad? 

 

FTR, I don't think 2 boxes of chocolate and a homemade German Apple cake are lame at all.  I got DH a $5 Reese Peanut Butter Cup heart for Valentines day lol.  (of course, he didn't get me anything so.....)

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2 boxes of chocolate -- lame I know - but I also made him his most favorite German Apple cake from his mother's recipe

 

If there is any left, I'd seriously think about putting them back in the oven and burning them.

 

 

 

Yes to the jewellery. Buy something so nice it drowns out any hurt memories.

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I voted other because DH and I never get each other gifts for our anniversary and I hate jewelry so it's hard for me to relate. 

 

What did he say when you gave him his gifts from you? It seems that would sway my answer depending on if he was appalled he'd forgotten and immediately apologized, or if he accepted them and said not a word about not getting you anything. 

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but I don't want a fight- that will make everything 100 times worse than not being thought of

 

I don't understand why expressing your hurt will automatically lead to a fight.  You ARE hurt.  Because he didn't think. That is what is.  He can't attempt to fix it if he doesn't understand.  And if he does understand and didn't get you something on purpose then you need to know that.

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When you gave it to him, what did he say?  Was he surprised?  Did he feel bad? 

 

FTR, I don't think 2 boxes of chocolate and a homemade German Apple cake are lame at all.  I got DH a $5 Reese Peanut Butter Cup heart for Valentines day lol.  (of course, he didn't get me anything so.....)

He said thank you, gave me a hug and said he didn't get me anything. I started crying silently 

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I don't generally care about gift-giving and am not into jewelry. But you should go out and buy yourself whatever you'd like and not have an ounce of guilt or negativity about it.

 

Is your DH always such an ass?

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He said thank you, gave me a hug and said he didn't get me anything. I started crying silently 

 

Aw H*** NO!  Yeah, I would have been mad.  Serious come to Jesus talk would be happening.  This is a major anniversary and you traditionally get each other gifts.

 

To be honest, I probably wouldn't have even tried to hide the crying. 

 

 

 

I would not however just go out and overspend on jewelry.  DH and I discuss our budget together all the time, and I wouldn't violate that financial agreement just because he violated our gift agreement.  I would however absolutely discuss with him how hurt I felt. 

 

And I would really play up the tears while doing it.

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Yes. My dh never ever took the hints to get me the wedding band I wanted so I bought it myself.  LOL 

 

(Btw, it's our 25th this year and we are going away for the weekend for the first time EVER in our marriage so I'm not complaining too hard.  But I did want that ring for our 20th--and years before--so I just bit the bullet once our anniversary passed.)

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Happy 25th Anniversary Melissa! :grouphug:

Now go buy that jewelry,and post a picture so we can all tell you how lovely it is! :) 

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For whatever reason, DH and I are very straigthforward about gifts. We just say/agree about what we’re doing. If it were important to me, I would have already said I want this ring for our anniversar, so I’m getting it, ok? But gifts are not my love language, so it’s hard for me to get worked up about that.

 

I did buy a ring for our 15th. It was just a beautiful ring that caught my eye in the jewelry store window. I bought it and said, “I am buying this to be my anniversary gift, ok?†I love the ring. I wear it every day.

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I'm not into gifts but the fact that he wouldn't care that you're hurt would bother me more than the lack of the gift.  If you can afford it then I think you should get yourself something that will make you happy.   :grouphug:   

 

 

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I wouldn't buy myself something just because dh didn't, that really doesn't make things better and it would seem really hollow if that was the reason I bought it.  Talk to your dh and tell him how you feel.  If mine forgot, he would feel bad and apologize.

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I would not however just go out and overspend on jewelry.  DH and I discuss our budget together all the time, and I wouldn't violate that financial agreement just because he violated our gift agreement.  I would however absolutely discuss with him how hurt I felt. 

 

This. The fact that my feelings would be hurt (and they would!) does not automatically make a funded "expensive jewelry money" category appear in the budget. It sounds (based on what you got for him) like the jewelry would be more expensive than he would have spent on a gift for you usually. 

 

I'd actually wait until I thought I could have the conversation with as little crying as possible, because I hate how I feel when I am trying to articulate my thoughts and tears get in the way. I would want to discuss it with him and let him know that from my perspective, the arrangement was gifts for anniversaries (only but always), and for him to ignore that was hurtful. But I would want to find out what his expectations are - maybe in his mind it's "we don't usually do gifts for each other, well, sometimes for our anniversary." Or maybe you did discuss it long ago, but in his mind it morphed into this other thing.

 

Whether it's thoughtlessness or mismatched expectations, he can't do anything about it if you don't let him know you were hurt. 

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I'm married to someone who would never buy me jewelry. Well, if he did, I'd probably assume he was having an affair because it's so out of character.

 

But 25th anniversary deserves something more than a hug, I think. My husband doesn't respond well to tears or sadness or disappointment (thanks a lot, dysfunctional upbringing), so I can relate with not really knowing how to react in the moment. But he would want me to feel happy, and I bet your husband does too, even if he acted like a bit of a clod on this occasion. Buy yourself the jewelry; it is from him, if he were more emotionally astute.

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It seems to me that you need to clear this up with him before buying yourself something.  The real issue isn't that you were hoping for a new piece of jewelry, the real issue is that you wanted him to remember and celebrate with you.  Buying something for yourself isn't going to fix that.  Talk it over with him and tell him how you feel and I hope that the two of you can reconcile this.

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Other. I don't know what you normally do for your anniversary. Clearly, you are upset and you should talk to your husband before doing anything.

 

We didn't do anything extra special for our 25th. We did what we always do for our anniversary-we went out to dinner. One year we both forgot it was our anniversary. I think it was our 17th. That is us.

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Buy something. BUT - also get something for hubby - tie clip if he wears a tie, etc. And with humor make sure he notices your new jewelry (you are a lucky man, not only do I do the grocery shopping but I buy the anniversary gifts, too. See what you let me pick out? I love this ring/necklace/glittery thingy).

 

Oh, now I see you did get him some candy and baked his fav cake - so no tie clip for him! If he mutters about how your "gift' cost far more than candy/cake, smile sweetly "Then YOU buy me something next year sweetie. I would have been happy with a box of candy of dinner out myself, but since you didn't bother...."

 

Bet he remembers next year.

Edited by JFSinIL
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Given what I remember about your history with your dh, I would say something along the lines of, "I'm thinking of buying myself a ring in remembrance of our anniversary. Unless, of course, you have some objection." Said with as much equanimity as can be managed. If I am reading the situation right, a direct statement of hurt feelings might send a "needy" message, while calmly attempting to rectify the situation might communicate strength, which would garner more respect.

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It depends. Can we afford it? If yes, then I would definitely probably tell my dh, hey, since you forgot about our anniversary, I'm going out to get a nice something to mark the occasion. I'd also try to find something to get him that he would appreciate.  

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I would seriously consider lining the walkway to the front door with his chocolates...smashed. And burning the cake, like Rosie said.

 

Some men don’t respond well to women’s tears and sadness so I would go all Angry Spanish Woman on him. I say Spanish and I hope it doesn’t sound horrible, but in the movies it’s always the Spanish woman who is firey and showing her anger. I think there must be something wonderful about being allowed to show that anger like they do in the movies.

 

It reminds me of that song Bitch. Lyrics:

 

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover

I'm a child, I'm a mother

I'm a sinner, I'm a saint

I do not feel ashamed

I'm your hell, I'm your dream

I'm nothing in between

You know you wouldn't want it any other way

 

So take me as I am

This may mean

You'll have to be a stronger man

Rest assured that

When I start to make you nervous

And I'm going to extremes

Tomorrow I will change

And today won't mean a thing

 

Maybe it’s time for your DH to have to be a stronger man and learn to deal with how his actions (nonaction) has affected you. A 24th anniversary or a 26th isn’t as big of a deal, but everyone on this planet knows that 25 *means* something. And not to even say, “Gee honey, you got me these nice chocolates...I should have gotten you something...let’s get you something right now (or tomorrow night),†well...that was cold.

 

So...smashed chocolates. Let him deal with the angry woman.

 

 

ETA: Ok...it’s been a few minutes since I posted this and I’ve had time to reflect. I guess it’s pretty immature to smash the chocolates. Maybe. Part of me is thinking this is the silliest post I’ve ever written and another part of me would still be seriously considering smashing those chocolates. Seriously. Mostly because if you have a dismissive husband who will not respond to sadness, then maybe (as a man) all he’ll understand is anger. It depends on the man. Some men really get extra defensive around “hurt†people because they feel like “being hurt†is a manipulation and they Will Not Be Manipulated. But they can understand anger and will roll their eyes at it, but then make it right.

 

But mostly, I think this is one of the silliest bits of advice I’ve ever given. I suppose an adult response isn’t to smash all his chocolates.

Edited by Garga
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If my dh had done that to me, i would tell him I was hurt that he didn't get me anything and that I planned to get myself something special to celebrate our anniversary. But if also say I was disappointed that I had to be the one buying the gift.

 

It doesn't have to be a fight to express your hurt feeling. I would think it would be worse for him to notice the jewelry and hear you bought it for yourself for your anniversary after the fact than being honest now. That's assuming he'd notice it, which my husband would because I almost never wear jewelry, not even my wedding band.

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I'd say get whatever you want just because you want it. I told DH before we got married to never, ever buy me any gifts or try to surprise me. I hate that stuff. We don't get each other gifts. And honestly, I forget our anniversary more often than DH. 

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I responded to the poll: buy the jewelry, if that's what you wanted/expected.

 

If this thread was a JAWM, stop reading there. :)

 

Your family has been under a bunch of stress recently, right?

 

My DH can't multitask/handle family stress like I can.  I'm stoic; I get things done.  I may be stressed, but I'm still mommy-teacher-housekeeper-cook, and I remember when it's Valentine's Day.  (Because I like presents and acknowledgement of special days.)

 

DH could care less about presents, plus he seems to only have the brainspace for one thing at a time: work, home, eat, talk.  Special things (like Valentine's Day ;)) don't even get a 2nd thought.  It can annoy me but I don't hold on to it.  I don't wear jewelry....but I do have a new coffee maker coming my way (that I bought myself and I'm alright with that).

 

25th anniversary is a big deal. BIG.  Even if he forgot a gift, he needs to compensate with kind words or extra help at dinner or a card or something. (And the promise of whatever you want to make it right.)

Edited by alisoncooks
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I don't think I would buy myself jewelry because it would just remind me of what a jerk my husband was on my 25th anniversary. But I would demand a redo in some way. Be clear that you are hurt and you wanted to mark or celebrate your big anniversary in some way. If your love language is gifts, then I would let him know you need a gift. If you want jewelry be specific that this an important anniversary and you want jewelry. Offer to make a date of it together to a jewelry store if it helps him.

 

A lot of men need you to be super specific and direct.

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