So....

[LucyStoner]

Neither of us remember our anniversaries so it wouldn’t be a big deal for us. But you have different traditions. I say pick out something you like.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

Same.  Anniversaries are marked with a bunch of daffodils here, not jewelry (probably because I don't wear any and this year finally successfully managed to supplant my diamond wedding set with a 2mm plain gold band so I would have something I can "wear all the time without anything sticking out")

 

But I have no objection to someone whose spouse skips their 25th anniversary buying whatever present she would like that they can reasonably afford.   

[Farrar]

It also wouldn't be a big deal in my house necessarily. But dh and and I *always* outline expectations of each other for gift giving for holidays now. Like, hey, I'm not planning anything for this day, that okay? Or, I may do something little for you for that day, that fine? Or, hey, I'd like to really honor that day or give you a kind of splurge gift this year for this upcoming holiday, that okay?

 

I think your expectations being so different is a big issue. It's an issue way beyond whether or not you treat yourself to something to feel better. It's something you need to resolve.

[sheryl]

Ahh, well. I would NOT do that.  It seems to be in retaliation (even though I know you don't mean it that way).  This gesture is going to make him feel like a loser.  Why not just talk to him about it and take it from there?  (Assuming you have a good marriage)!

[Annie G]

I’m not usually a gift-on-a-special-occasion kind of girl so my dh probably wouldn’t have thought about jewelry. But if you want something to represent that milestone, that’s ok- tell dh that you’d like something and try to arrange to go together to shop for it, or at least sit beside each other on the couch looking at Etsy shops if you’d be ok with some jewelry from there.

One year I wanted to do something for my birthday, which was totally not typical for me. Dh didn’t read my mind and I was upset about it. After a couple of days I told him and we decided to have a do-over of my birthday a month after my birthday. By the time the day rolled around we had a good time but I totally didn’t understand why I got so upset on my actual birthday. Probably hormones. But anyway, maybe an anniversary do-over is in order.

[Guest]

See, I’m pre-emptive about gifts and ocassions like these. Our 25th will be next year and I am no way, no how giving him the opportunity to forget and do nothing about it. We will go on a cruise. Or to a mountain hide-away for the weekend. Or out ofr a nice dinner. Or whatever it is *I* decide, but I’m not under the tiniest illusion that it won’t have to be me. He is a bad planner. And he does not think of stuff like this. Any time I have downplayed an event and let him do nothing special, he has done nothing special and it pissed me off.

 

When I graduated with my AA, I downplayed it and said it was no big deal; yes, I wanted him and the kids to come to the ceremony, but no, he did not need to do anything special. Guess what? He didn’t. He did diddly squat. He brought the kids, but then he rushed off at the end to take a kid to sports practice and I went home alone and sat there feeling sorry for myself. When I go back for my Bachelor’s, I’m going to tell him for six months that I want a BIG EFFING DEAL. I want a cake. I want food I did not cook. I want a couple of my best friends to turn up by “surprise†and bring wine. No more ignorance is bliss. Forget subtlety; I want the party!

 

ETA: grammatical clarity

Edited February 27, 2018 by Quill

[Alicia64]

I just wanted to send support and hugs.

 

Dh and I have been together for 28 yrs. Some years we're doing beautifully and other years. . . not so much. If we were having a bad time of it, I wouldn't have expected him to do anything for an anniversary.

 

If we were doing well, then I would have teased him into "remembering."

 

We've gotten really close to needing lawyers and yet have turned things around. Can't believe I just typed those words.

 

I vote for jewelry. And I agree: you don't need to beat up on yourself at all.

 

Alley

[mytwomonkeys]

Absolutely. I would treat myself!

[Farrar]

See, I’m pre-emptive about gifts and ocassions like these. Our 25th will be next year and I am no way, no how giving him the opportunity to forget and do nothing about it. We will go on a cruise. Or to a mountain hide-away for the weekend. Or out ofr a nice dinner. Or whatever it is *I* decide, but I’m not under the tiniest illusion that it won’t have to be me. He is a bad planner. And he does not think of stuff like this. Any time I have downplayed an event and let him do nothing special, he has done nothing special and it pissed me off.

 

When I graduated with my AA, I downplayed it and said it was no big deal; yes, I wanted him and the kids to come to the ceremony, but no, he did not need to do anything special. Guess what? He didn’t. He did diddly squat. He brought the kids, but then he rushed off at the end to take a kid to sports practice and I went home alone and sat there feeling sorry for myself. When I go back for my Bachelor’s, I’m going to tell him for six months that I want a BIG EFFING DEAL. I want a cake. I want food I did not cook. I want a couple of my best friends to turn up by “surprise†and bring wine. No more ignorance is bliss. Forget subtlety; I want the party!

 

ETA: grammatical clarity

 

:hurray: Yes, exactly. I wish everyone in relationships would be upfront like this. It's okay to need recognition and, yes, even gifts. But it's not okay to need those things, not let your SO know, and then be upset about it. I mean, maybe in this case it should have been clear from past history, but why worry about it. Just say what you need.

[OneStepAtATime]

:hurray: Yes, exactly. I wish everyone in relationships would be upfront like this. It's okay to need recognition and, yes, even gifts. But it's not okay to need those things, not let your SO know, and then be upset about it. I mean, maybe in this case it should have been clear from past history, but why worry about it. Just say what you need.

No idea if OP said anything ahead of time to her DH or not but FWIW I used to think that I wasn't being clear enough with my DH so I started being a lot more blunt, thinking my rather strong hints just weren't strong enough.  I'm sure this works much better for many.  It worked o.k. with DH for other stuff...

 

...but not for gift giving.  It actually made things worse.  Why?  Because DH has a weird thing about buying something someone is expecting.  He hates it.  HATES it.  Therefore, if I explicitly ask for something, that is the one thing I will probably not get from DH.  Kids either.  So now the kids and I do our own thing with gift giving and have had to accept that DH will not  buy us what we have asked for/hoped for.  Discussing this with him changes his mind not one bit.  And no, he doesn't want to tell us what he wants, either.  He wants us to call the psychic connection hot line (JK...sort of) and figure out a good gift that way.  When he does actually remember a birthday/anniversary/whatever, he is going to do his own thing because he thinks that is so much cooler.  Period.  

 

But yeah, being very explicitly clear ahead of time is probably the best option for most.

 

Hugs OP.  I'm sorry you and your DH are so mismatched in this regard.  That can be all kinds of painful.   :grouphug:

[Guest]

No idea if OP said anything ahead of time to her DH or not but FWIW I used to think that I wasn't being clear enough with my DH so I started being a lot more blunt, thinking my rather strong hints just weren't strong enough. I'm sure this works much better for many. It worked o.k. with DH for other stuff...

 

...but not for gift giving. It actually made things worse. Why? Because DH has a weird thing about buying something someone is expecting. He hates it. HATES it. Therefore, if I explicitly ask for something, that is the one thing I will probably not get from DH. Kids either. So now the kids and I do our own thing with gift giving and have had to accept that DH will not buy us what we have asked for/hoped for. Discussing this with him changes his mind not one bit. And no, he doesn't want to tell us what he wants, either. He wants us to call the psychic connection hot line (JK...sort of) and figure out a good gift that way. When he does actually remember a birthday/anniversary/whatever, he is going to do his own thing because he thinks that is so much cooler. Period.

 

But yeah, being very explicitly clear ahead of time is probably the best option for most.

 

Hugs OP. I'm sorry you and your DH are so mismatched in this regard. That can be all kinds of painful. :grouphug:

I feel for you. My SIL is like this. She has all these categories in her head of which things are not correct gifts (for her to receive!), but yet she does not think she should have to *tell* a person what she wants to receive. You’re just supposed to psychically know that towels are not acceptable because they are “domestic†and cash or gift cards are not acceptable because they are impersonal, and food items are not acceptable because they are consumed.

 

I’m thankful there are not many ocassions when I need to give her a gift.

[8circles]

I’m thankful there are not many ocassions when I need to give her a gift.

I would not get her gifts anymore. At all.

[Katy]

So Melissa...  did he come home with a gift for you yet?

[Ann.without.an.e]

I may have missed your answer to this, if someone already asked, but do you have plans at all?  

 

I am sorry you are going through this.  I feel like it really depends on your relationship?  What is it like overall?  I have been all over the place in my relationship with my DH. I think most marriages are like this - good times, bad times. Are you close, is the relationship solid right now?  Is your DH one to just not care about these things or is this just a rough patch for you?  What do you normally do for anniversaries?  Your disappointment and lack of desire to approach him about it - is this new or has it always been this way?  If this is how you have always functioned then maybe some help is in order?  If this is new then it is a sign that you both need to refocus on your marriage and work through some things.  Men can be completely oblivious sometimes though.  

 

 

 

 

 

Edited February 28, 2018 by Attolia

[Melissa in Australia]

So Melissa... did he come home with a gift for you yet?

 

No

 

Quite frankly I would have been happy if he had just picked a bunch of flowers.

 

 

I have actually found this thread very depressing. I know everyone has been doing exactly what I asked, giving me good advice. But it has raised so so many negative thoughts.

Edited February 28, 2018 by Melissa in Australia

[Rosie_0801]

You are a bloody good catch and he's a big, fat poopy head.

[Carol in Cal.]

I agree with Rosie.

[8circles]

No

 

Quite frankly I would have been happy if he had just picked a bunch of flowers.

 

 

I have actually found this thread very depressing. I know everyone has been doing exactly what I asked, giving me good advice. But it has raised so so many negative thoughts.

 

Melissa, I hope you're able to do something good for yourself today. I'm so sorry that this has been so hurtful.

 

Ditto what Rosie said.

[Scarlett]

You are a bloody good catch and he's a big, fat poopy head.

 

 

Very good description.

[Melissa in Australia]

You are a bloody good catch and he's a big, fat poopy head.

🤣

[sbgrace]

We don't typically exchange gifts, so in my case I would have to be clear that this year was different for me. I'm assuming, in this specific case, that you guys typically do exchange gifts for each anniversary.

 

If the expectation was there and I was hurt, I really don't think I could purchase myself something that would remind me of the hurt. But I hesitate to vote for that option, because it wouldn't deal with the hurt. Leaving it there would be toxic for me. 

 

I would try to find a way to feel better/be reconciled--which for me would surely involve telling him I'm hurt and finding out why/how it happened. After clear communication (my husband has to have that--sometimes i have to write a letter if my emotions are high because my husband can shut down when emotions are high), I would hope he would sincerely apologize and try to somehow make it up to me. That wouldn't at all make it ok for me, but it would be a step toward healing. I'm sorry this happened to you. 

 

edited to add: I didn't read replies, and I see now that the replies haven't helped but made you feel worse. I'm really sorry. I want to add something else, we have gone through some really rough things. I don't want to put specific details, but when a spouse is disengaged, so if he didn't have a reason and true remorse when he discovered my hurt in this case, I would seek therapy. I would think there are big things that we have to deal with. I hope that's not the case in this situation. 

Edited February 28, 2018 by sbgrace

[Scarlett]

Melissa my 25th anniversary went similarly.  I bought what I thought was a very thoughtful and meaningful gift.  Involved our then 9 year old son... Now XH bought me an armband to hold my IPod.  I was very hurt and disappointed but said nothing.  Well, I was also kind of amused because it was so ridiculous.  Then a week later my family and friends threw us a anniversary party and he THEN went and bought a big expensive ring for me.  The one I had always wanted.  All for show at the party. With in 6 months I had discovered his affair.  Not saying that is what is going on here....but it does sound weird.  Like he is totally disconnected.

[PeppermintPattie]

but I don't want a fight- that will make everything 100 times worse than not being thought of

But telling your husband how you feel shouldn't mean there will be a fight.

 

Did he know you were planning to exchange gifts?

Edited February 28, 2018 by PeppermintPattie

[Pam in CT]

Neither I nor my husband are much into gift-giving or -receiving, nor do we ordinarily fuss much for anniversaries (though 25th: for that one, yes), nor am I much for jewelry... so I checked "other."

 

But, here's the thing: if you ARE into anniversaries, and he's had 25 years to observe that... that's different.  Even despite all the stress you've both been under.  You've been under it too.

 

So my first "other" response was to go all Garga.  Which, OK, maybe #NotMyBetterAngel , lol

 

 

 

But seriously, something's got to give.  Anger has a role in this world.  To avoid even saying anything because that would be an argument?  That isn't healthy.

 

 

You've been married to this guy for 25 years. He doesn't know that you'd like some acknowledgement on your 25th anniversary? He doesn't notice that you're crying and if he does, he won't respect you? You can't tell him you're hurt because it would be an argument?

 

I'm truly sorry if this is your situation. You deserve better from your life partner. 

 

Do whatever you need to do to help yourself deal with this.

 

 

:grouphug:

 

[Miss Peregrine]

Neither I nor my husband are much into gift-giving or -receiving, nor do we ordinarily fuss much for anniversaries (though 25th: for that one, yes), nor am I much for jewelry... so I checked "other."

 

But, here's the thing: if you ARE into anniversaries, and he's had 25 years to observe that... that's different.  Even despite all the stress you've both been under.  You've been under it too.

 

So my first "other" response was to go all Garga.  Which, OK, maybe #NotMyBetterAngel , lol

 

 

 

But seriously, something's got to give.  Anger has a role in this world.  To avoid even saying anything because that would be an argument?  That isn't healthy.

 

 

 

 

:grouphug:

This made me giggle.

[katilac]

It depends. If you buy yourself something, would you be happy or sad every time you see it? 

 

My dh once spent some money to appease an annoying relative, and I was so frakking annoyed that I went and spent just a bit more on myself, lol. It helped me quit focusing on my anger, and I was happy every time I used the item I bought. But it was perhaps not as emotionally charged as an anniversary gift - although I was both hurt and angry that he would spend money on something stupid, when we didn't often spend money on ourselves. It made me feel 'less than.' For me, spending the money was a declaration that I was indeed just as important, and that money spent to make someone happy is best pointed in my direction. 

 

 

[Garga]

This made me giggle.

 

 

Me, too!

[Katy]

No

 

Quite frankly I would have been happy if he had just picked a bunch of flowers.

 

 

I have actually found this thread very depressing. I know everyone has been doing exactly what I asked, giving me good advice. But it has raised so so many negative thoughts.

 

I'm sorry.  :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[happypamama]

You are a bloody good catch and he's a big, fat poopy head.

As usual, Rosie nailed it.

 

I’m sorry your husband didn’t do anything to mark such a special occasion.

[Starr]

Don't get more upset. I'm sure many of us can share not so great holiday stories. I'll go first. On our 25th my dh was speaking at a convent. Yes, he took me to the convent for my anniversary. :(  It's kind've funny now but not so much then. 

[hjffkj]

Don't get more upset. I'm sure many of us can share not so great holiday stories. I'll go first. On our 25th my dh was speaking at a convent. Yes, he took me to the convent for my anniversary. :(  It's kind've funny now but not so much then. 

 

 

Oh yeah, we have had rocky gift giving occasions in the beginning of our marriage.  Dh didn't get me a bday gift early in our marriage and it didn't really cause a fight. I just decided after that I wasn't doing any sort of gifts with him.  But he always talked up gift giving occasions like he had grand plans so I would panic and get him something.  turned out he was all talk and no follow through because I had many disappointing gift occasions in the first few years of marriage.  I don't remember what changed that but he is no longer like that.

[Pam in CT]

Actually, avoiding an argument can be the healthy choice sometimes, especially when you are already emotionally wiped out. Melissa's had a rough year (18 months?) of it and I totally understand why she would conserve energy by avoiding the argument. Anger takes energy. It's a cost benefit thingy.

 

 

True.

 

Burying anger takes energy too, but I take the point about cost benefit.

 

:grouphug:

 

I hope you find a path that makes you feel better, Melissa.  If you think jewelry might do the trick, go for it.