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155 members have voted

  1. 1. your advice

    • buy some jewelry
      106
    • no, suck it up buttercup
      2
    • no, because everytime you wear it it will remind you of how miserable you feel/felt
      24
    • stop being childish
      0
    • other
      23


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When we celebrated our 25th, DH was talking big about a Big Trip.

He did NOTHING to arrange this.

 

Gradually I started just doing things.  I saw a really stunning ring at the jewelry store where we had bought our wedding rings, and told him that I thought we should have anniversary rings.  He had lost his wedding ring, and had a nice ring that didn't fit any more.  And my wedding ring didn't fit either.  So we ended up getting him another wedding ring just like the old one, and resizing the nice ring.  And I had my wedding ring resized and got the new one.  None of this was really planned; it mostly grew out of the fact that I wanted that new ring.  

 

Then he said we should have the rings blessed, which was uncharacteristic of him, and which I kind of liked.  And the more I thought about that, the more I wanted hymns, and then it ended up as a whole Divine Service, but private.  Pastor, organist, DH, DD, and I.  It was really nice.  

 

Since he hadn't planned a trip, we used our timeshare points to go somewhere that we go pretty often, but for longer than usual.  We drove there after the service.

 

Point being, it kind of all evolved but it turned out to be biggish, but not big in the way that DH pictured but didn't do anything about.  I enjoy the memory of it, but if I had left it up to DH nothing would have happened.  The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.

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You've been married to this guy for 25 years. He doesn't know that you'd like some acknowledgement on your 25th anniversary? He doesn't notice that you're crying and if he does, he won't respect you? You can't tell him you're hurt because it would be an argument?

 

I'm truly sorry if this is your situation. You deserve better from your life partner. 

 

Do whatever you need to do to help yourself deal with this.

Edited by 8circles
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We got a new couch for our 25th.  

 

We considered the Big Vacation idea, but neither of us had the energy to make it happen.  I told DH that I personally, would prefer something we could use every day and I'd been wanting a new couch.  I made sure that he was also ok with getting a new couch, since it was his anniversary as well as mine.  He was 100% ok with it.

 

We drove the 2 hour round trip to get an Ikea couch.  Then we drove the 2 hour round trip to get a cushion that had been missing from our box when we got home.  He never breathed a word of complaint and merrily went about taking the new couch out to the trash and putting up the new one.  

 

So, it doesn't always have to be something super romantic, but yes, OP, your dh should have done something to acknowledge the day.  And when he/you realized he hadn't, he needed to do a do-over.

 

I'm the one who wrote you should smash all his chocolates, but really you need to sit him down and say, "I really expected we'd do something a little 'extra' this year for our 25th, since we always get each other gifts for our anniversaries. For the past day or two, I've been feeling a little confused I guess. I'm sort of hurt, sort of mad, sort of...well, not sure. It's complicated.  And I don't really want to argue or yell.  What I want is a do-over.  I'd like us to do something to mark the occasion.  I got you the chocolates and the cake, and now I'd like for us to head to X store together and get me a little X to commemorate our 25th anniversary.  And then maybe get a dinner out somewhere, just the two of us."  (Fast food is fine, if you're on a tight budget. DH and I would totally be ok with Taco Bell for a special dinner.)

 

 

My immature answer was smashing the chocolates.  My mature answer is the above.

 

I would not get the gift by myself for this one.  I buy myself all my own Christmas gifts, but in this case, a bit of repair needs to be done and you need to do this together and not separately or else you will always look back on that gift and remember that you were forgotten.  I know.  My very first mother's day, my dh didn't do anything for me.  Now, I had fully expected he would and the only reason he didn't is that we were in a very dark place that first year when the baby was born.  DH was downright hateful to me that entire year and it was a Very Bad Year.  (It's been 15 years since then and things are different now.).  

 

The only thing I got on that mother's day was a ceramic jar from the dollar store that our church gave out to the mothers.  I would get so twisted up inside every time I saw that little jar--hurt and angry.  One day, about 2 years later, it broke, and it was the best thing that could have happened.  

 

So...do something together to reconnect to each other.  You don't have to play the role of the hurt partner, but do find a way for him to make it right between the two of you and to strengthen your bond and not weaken it.

 

And I would totally eat about 1/3 of those chocolates.

Edited by Garga
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So, it doesn't always have to be something super romantic, but yes, OP, your dh should have done something to acknowledge the day.  And when he/you realized he hadn't, he needed to do a do-over.

 

I'm the one who wrote you should smash all his chocolates, but really you need to sit him down and say, "I really expected we'd do something a little 'extra' this year for our 25th, since we always get each other gifts for our anniversaries. For the past day or two, I've been feeling a little confused I guess. I'm sort of hurt, sort of mad, sort of...well, not sure. It's complicated.  And I don't really want to argue or yell.  What I want is a do-over.  I'd like us to do something to mark the occasion.  I got you the chocolates and the cake, and now I'd like for us to head to X store together and get me a little X to commemorate our 25th anniversary.  And then maybe get a dinner out somewhere, just the two of us."

 

 

My immature answer was smashing the chocolates.  My mature answer is the above.

 

I would not get the gift by myself for this one.  

 

So...do something together to reconnect to each other.  You don't have to play the role of the hurt partner, but do find a way for him to make it right between the two of you and to strengthen your bond and not weaken it.

 

 

I totally agree with the above. If I just went out and bought myself jewelry, whenever I looked at it, it would compound the hurt... almost like a little shiny memorial to my dh's failure to love me well. Yuck. I think you need to bring it out in the open and let dh understand that he hurt you, and have a do-over. Let him make it right. 

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Do you and your dh regularly do something special for the "big" anniversaries? Did you two discuss what you would do this year?  It's hard to know how to react when we don't have any background at all. 

 

My dh and I do something special every 5 years, and the in between years we might go out for a special dinner. That's it. That might sound really bad if I told others, "We didn't do anything last year. We just couldn't find a day to go out to dinner." 

 

Sorry this occasion wasn't what you were expecting. I'm sure there is a lot more to the story.  For the purpose of the poll, I'd answer: talk to my dh before I did anything more or talked/e-mail anyone else.

Edited by wintermom

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Neither of us remember our anniversaries so it wouldn’t be a big deal for us. But you have different traditions. I say pick out something you like.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

Same.  Anniversaries are marked with a bunch of daffodils here, not jewelry (probably because I don't wear any and this year finally successfully managed to supplant my diamond wedding set with a 2mm plain gold band so I would have something I can "wear all the time without anything sticking out")

 

But I have no objection to someone whose spouse skips their 25th anniversary buying whatever present she would like that they can reasonably afford.   

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It also wouldn't be a big deal in my house necessarily. But dh and and I *always* outline expectations of each other for gift giving for holidays now. Like, hey, I'm not planning anything for this day, that okay? Or, I may do something little for you for that day, that fine? Or, hey, I'd like to really honor that day or give you a kind of splurge gift this year for this upcoming holiday, that okay?

 

I think your expectations being so different is a big issue. It's an issue way beyond whether or not you treat yourself to something to feel better. It's something you need to resolve.

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Ahh, well. I would NOT do that.  It seems to be in retaliation (even though I know you don't mean it that way).  This gesture is going to make him feel like a loser.  Why not just talk to him about it and take it from there?  (Assuming you have a good marriage)!

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I’m not usually a gift-on-a-special-occasion kind of girl so my dh probably wouldn’t have thought about jewelry. But if you want something to represent that milestone, that’s ok- tell dh that you’d like something and try to arrange to go together to shop for it, or at least sit beside each other on the couch looking at Etsy shops if you’d be ok with some jewelry from there.

One year I wanted to do something for my birthday, which was totally not typical for me. Dh didn’t read my mind and I was upset about it. After a couple of days I told him and we decided to have a do-over of my birthday a month after my birthday. By the time the day rolled around we had a good time but I totally didn’t understand why I got so upset on my actual birthday. Probably hormones. But anyway, maybe an anniversary do-over is in order.

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See, I’m pre-emptive about gifts and ocassions like these. Our 25th will be next year and I am no way, no how giving him the opportunity to forget and do nothing about it. We will go on a cruise. Or to a mountain hide-away for the weekend. Or out ofr a nice dinner. Or whatever it is *I* decide, but I’m not under the tiniest illusion that it won’t have to be me. He is a bad planner. And he does not think of stuff like this. Any time I have downplayed an event and let him do nothing special, he has done nothing special and it pissed me off.

 

When I graduated with my AA, I downplayed it and said it was no big deal; yes, I wanted him and the kids to come to the ceremony, but no, he did not need to do anything special. Guess what? He didn’t. He did diddly squat. He brought the kids, but then he rushed off at the end to take a kid to sports practice and I went home alone and sat there feeling sorry for myself. When I go back for my Bachelor’s, I’m going to tell him for six months that I want a BIG EFFING DEAL. I want a cake. I want food I did not cook. I want a couple of my best friends to turn up by “surprise†and bring wine. No more ignorance is bliss. Forget subtlety; I want the party!

 

ETA: grammatical clarity

Edited by Quill
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I just wanted to send support and hugs.

 

Dh and I have been together for 28 yrs. Some years we're doing beautifully and other years. . . not so much. If we were having a bad time of it, I wouldn't have expected him to do anything for an anniversary.

 

If we were doing well, then I would have teased him into "remembering."

 

We've gotten really close to needing lawyers and yet have turned things around. Can't believe I just typed those words.

 

I vote for jewelry. And I agree: you don't need to beat up on yourself at all.

 

Alley

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I sympathize. Dh didn't even acknowledge our 40th. In fact, he wasn't even here. 

 

I wouldn't buy jewelry for several reasons. One, I would be annoyed with dh every time I saw it, and Two, with dh's skyrocketing medical bills, we couldn't afford it.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  

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See, I’m pre-emptive about gifts and ocassions like these. Our 25th will be next year and I am no way, no how giving him the opportunity to forget and do nothing about it. We will go on a cruise. Or to a mountain hide-away for the weekend. Or out ofr a nice dinner. Or whatever it is *I* decide, but I’m not under the tiniest illusion that it won’t have to be me. He is a bad planner. And he does not think of stuff like this. Any time I have downplayed an event and let him do nothing special, he has done nothing special and it pissed me off.

 

When I graduated with my AA, I downplayed it and said it was no big deal; yes, I wanted him and the kids to come to the ceremony, but no, he did not need to do anything special. Guess what? He didn’t. He did diddly squat. He brought the kids, but then he rushed off at the end to take a kid to sports practice and I went home alone and sat there feeling sorry for myself. When I go back for my Bachelor’s, I’m going to tell him for six months that I want a BIG EFFING DEAL. I want a cake. I want food I did not cook. I want a couple of my best friends to turn up by “surprise†and bring wine. No more ignorance is bliss. Forget subtlety; I want the party!

 

ETA: grammatical clarity

 

:hurray: Yes, exactly. I wish everyone in relationships would be upfront like this. It's okay to need recognition and, yes, even gifts. But it's not okay to need those things, not let your SO know, and then be upset about it. I mean, maybe in this case it should have been clear from past history, but why worry about it. Just say what you need.

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:hurray: Yes, exactly. I wish everyone in relationships would be upfront like this. It's okay to need recognition and, yes, even gifts. But it's not okay to need those things, not let your SO know, and then be upset about it. I mean, maybe in this case it should have been clear from past history, but why worry about it. Just say what you need.

No idea if OP said anything ahead of time to her DH or not but FWIW I used to think that I wasn't being clear enough with my DH so I started being a lot more blunt, thinking my rather strong hints just weren't strong enough.  I'm sure this works much better for many.  It worked o.k. with DH for other stuff...

 

...but not for gift giving.  It actually made things worse.  Why?  Because DH has a weird thing about buying something someone is expecting.  He hates it.  HATES it.  Therefore, if I explicitly ask for something, that is the one thing I will probably not get from DH.  Kids either.  So now the kids and I do our own thing with gift giving and have had to accept that DH will not  buy us what we have asked for/hoped for.  Discussing this with him changes his mind not one bit.  And no, he doesn't want to tell us what he wants, either.  He wants us to call the psychic connection hot line (JK...sort of) and figure out a good gift that way.  When he does actually remember a birthday/anniversary/whatever, he is going to do his own thing because he thinks that is so much cooler.  Period.  

 

But yeah, being very explicitly clear ahead of time is probably the best option for most.

 

Hugs OP.  I'm sorry you and your DH are so mismatched in this regard.  That can be all kinds of painful.   :grouphug:

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See, I’m pre-emptive about gifts and ocassions like these. Our 25th will be next year and I am no way, no how giving him the opportunity to forget and do nothing about it. We will go on a cruise. Or to a mountain hide-away for the weekend. Or out ofr a nice dinner. Or whatever it is *I* decide, but I’m not under the tiniest illusion that it won’t have to be me. He is a bad planner. And he does not think of stuff like this. Any time I have downplayed an event and let him do nothing special, he has done nothing special and it pissed me off.

 

When I graduated with my AA, I downplayed it and said it was no big deal; yes, I wanted him and the kids to come to the ceremony, but no, he did not need to do anything special. Guess what? He didn’t. He did diddly squat. He brought the kids, but then he rushed off at the end to take a kid to sports practice and I went home alone and sat there feeling sorry for myself. When I go back for my Bachelor’s, I’m going to tell him for six months that I want a BIG EFFING DEAL. I want a cake. I want food I did not cook. I want a couple of my best friends to turn up by “surprise†and bring wine. No more ignorance is bliss. Forget subtlety; I want the party!

 

ETA: grammatical clarity

This happened to me last year when I graduated. There's an ad on TV that plays sometimes, and the family on it are having this lovely party for the mom who has worked hard to get her degree while raising kids - and I really wish I'd asked for that. Because, you know, it's a pretty big achievement going back to uni and getting a whole new degree while raising kids and working. But I didn't ask and I didn't get. So yes, TELL!!!

 

(Mind you, I bet the mom on the ad didn't have to tell!)

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Melissa, sorry you didn't get a thoughtful gift for your anniversary. I think you should do something nice for yourself.

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No idea if OP said anything ahead of time to her DH or not but FWIW I used to think that I wasn't being clear enough with my DH so I started being a lot more blunt, thinking my rather strong hints just weren't strong enough. I'm sure this works much better for many. It worked o.k. with DH for other stuff...

 

...but not for gift giving. It actually made things worse. Why? Because DH has a weird thing about buying something someone is expecting. He hates it. HATES it. Therefore, if I explicitly ask for something, that is the one thing I will probably not get from DH. Kids either. So now the kids and I do our own thing with gift giving and have had to accept that DH will not buy us what we have asked for/hoped for. Discussing this with him changes his mind not one bit. And no, he doesn't want to tell us what he wants, either. He wants us to call the psychic connection hot line (JK...sort of) and figure out a good gift that way. When he does actually remember a birthday/anniversary/whatever, he is going to do his own thing because he thinks that is so much cooler. Period.

 

But yeah, being very explicitly clear ahead of time is probably the best option for most.

 

Hugs OP. I'm sorry you and your DH are so mismatched in this regard. That can be all kinds of painful. :grouphug:

I feel for you. My SIL is like this. She has all these categories in her head of which things are not correct gifts (for her to receive!), but yet she does not think she should have to *tell* a person what she wants to receive. You’re just supposed to psychically know that towels are not acceptable because they are “domestic†and cash or gift cards are not acceptable because they are impersonal, and food items are not acceptable because they are consumed.

 

I’m thankful there are not many ocassions when I need to give her a gift.

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I’m thankful there are not many ocassions when I need to give her a gift.

I would not get her gifts anymore. At all.

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I may have missed your answer to this, if someone already asked, but do you have plans at all?  

 

I am sorry you are going through this.  I feel like it really depends on your relationship?  What is it like overall?  I have been all over the place in my relationship with my DH. I think most marriages are like this - good times, bad times. Are you close, is the relationship solid right now?  Is your DH one to just not care about these things or is this just a rough patch for you?  What do you normally do for anniversaries?  Your disappointment and lack of desire to approach him about it - is this new or has it always been this way?  If this is how you have always functioned then maybe some help is in order?  If this is new then it is a sign that you both need to refocus on your marriage and work through some things.  Men can be completely oblivious sometimes though.  

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by Attolia

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So Melissa... did he come home with a gift for you yet?

 

No

 

Quite frankly I would have been happy if he had just picked a bunch of flowers.

 

 

I have actually found this thread very depressing. I know everyone has been doing exactly what I asked, giving me good advice. But it has raised so so many negative thoughts.

Edited by Melissa in Australia
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No

 

Quite frankly I would have been happy if he had just picked a bunch of flowers.

 

 

I have actually found this thread very depressing. I know everyone has been doing exactly what I asked, giving me good advice. But it has raised so so many negative thoughts.

 

Melissa, I hope you're able to do something good for yourself today. I'm so sorry that this has been so hurtful.

 

Ditto what Rosie said.

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We don't typically exchange gifts, so in my case I would have to be clear that this year was different for me. I'm assuming, in this specific case, that you guys typically do exchange gifts for each anniversary.

 

If the expectation was there and I was hurt, I really don't think I could purchase myself something that would remind me of the hurt. But I hesitate to vote for that option, because it wouldn't deal with the hurt. Leaving it there would be toxic for me. 

 

I would try to find a way to feel better/be reconciled--which for me would surely involve telling him I'm hurt and finding out why/how it happened. After clear communication (my husband has to have that--sometimes i have to write a letter if my emotions are high because my husband can shut down when emotions are high), I would hope he would sincerely apologize and try to somehow make it up to me. That wouldn't at all make it ok for me, but it would be a step toward healing. I'm sorry this happened to you. 

 

edited to add: I didn't read replies, and I see now that the replies haven't helped but made you feel worse. I'm really sorry. I want to add something else, we have gone through some really rough things. I don't want to put specific details, but when a spouse is disengaged, so if he didn't have a reason and true remorse when he discovered my hurt in this case, I would seek therapy. I would think there are big things that we have to deal with. I hope that's not the case in this situation. 

Edited by sbgrace

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Melissa my 25th anniversary went similarly.  I bought what I thought was a very thoughtful and meaningful gift.  Involved our then 9 year old son... Now XH bought me an armband to hold my IPod.  I was very hurt and disappointed but said nothing.  Well, I was also kind of amused because it was so ridiculous.  Then a week later my family and friends threw us a anniversary party and he THEN went and bought a big expensive ring for me.  The one I had always wanted.  All for show at the party. With in 6 months I had discovered his affair.  Not saying that is what is going on here....but it does sound weird.  Like he is totally disconnected.

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but I don't want a fight- that will make everything 100 times worse than not being thought of

But telling your husband how you feel shouldn't mean there will be a fight.

 

Did he know you were planning to exchange gifts?

Edited by PeppermintPattie
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Neither I nor my husband are much into gift-giving or -receiving, nor do we ordinarily fuss much for anniversaries (though 25th: for that one, yes), nor am I much for jewelry... so I checked "other."

 

But, here's the thing: if you ARE into anniversaries, and he's had 25 years to observe that... that's different.  Even despite all the stress you've both been under.  You've been under it too.

 

So my first "other" response was to go all Garga.  Which, OK, maybe #NotMyBetterAngel , lol

 

 

 

But seriously, something's got to give.  Anger has a role in this world.  To avoid even saying anything because that would be an argument?  That isn't healthy.

 

 

You've been married to this guy for 25 years. He doesn't know that you'd like some acknowledgement on your 25th anniversary? He doesn't notice that you're crying and if he does, he won't respect you? You can't tell him you're hurt because it would be an argument?

 

I'm truly sorry if this is your situation. You deserve better from your life partner. 

 

Do whatever you need to do to help yourself deal with this.

 

 

:grouphug:

 

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Neither I nor my husband are much into gift-giving or -receiving, nor do we ordinarily fuss much for anniversaries (though 25th: for that one, yes), nor am I much for jewelry... so I checked "other."

 

But, here's the thing: if you ARE into anniversaries, and he's had 25 years to observe that... that's different.  Even despite all the stress you've both been under.  You've been under it too.

 

So my first "other" response was to go all Garga.  Which, OK, maybe #NotMyBetterAngel , lol

 

 

 

But seriously, something's got to give.  Anger has a role in this world.  To avoid even saying anything because that would be an argument?  That isn't healthy.

 

 

 

 

:grouphug:

This made me giggle.

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It depends. If you buy yourself something, would you be happy or sad every time you see it? 

 

My dh once spent some money to appease an annoying relative, and I was so frakking annoyed that I went and spent just a bit more on myself, lol. It helped me quit focusing on my anger, and I was happy every time I used the item I bought. But it was perhaps not as emotionally charged as an anniversary gift - although I was both hurt and angry that he would spend money on something stupid, when we didn't often spend money on ourselves. It made me feel 'less than.' For me, spending the money was a declaration that I was indeed just as important, and that money spent to make someone happy is best pointed in my direction. 

 

 

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No

 

Quite frankly I would have been happy if he had just picked a bunch of flowers.

 

 

I have actually found this thread very depressing. I know everyone has been doing exactly what I asked, giving me good advice. But it has raised so so many negative thoughts.

 

I'm sorry.  :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

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Neither I nor my husband are much into gift-giving or -receiving, nor do we ordinarily fuss much for anniversaries (though 25th: for that one, yes), nor am I much for jewelry... so I checked "other."

 

But, here's the thing: if you ARE into anniversaries, and he's had 25 years to observe that... that's different.  Even despite all the stress you've both been under.  You've been under it too.

 

So my first "other" response was to go all Garga.  Which, OK, maybe #NotMyBetterAngel , lol

 

 

 

But seriously, something's got to give.  Anger has a role in this world.  To avoid even saying anything because that would be an argument?  That isn't healthy.

 

 

 

 

:grouphug:

Actually, avoiding an argument can be the healthy choice sometimes, especially when you are already emotionally wiped out. Melissa's had a rough year (18 months?) of it and I totally understand why she would conserve energy by avoiding the argument. Anger takes energy. It's a cost benefit thingy.

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You are a bloody good catch and he's a big, fat poopy head.

As usual, Rosie nailed it.

 

I’m sorry your husband didn’t do anything to mark such a special occasion.

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Don't get more upset. I'm sure many of us can share not so great holiday stories. I'll go first. On our 25th my dh was speaking at a convent. Yes, he took me to the convent for my anniversary. :(  It's kind've funny now but not so much then. 

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Don't get more upset. I'm sure many of us can share not so great holiday stories. I'll go first. On our 25th my dh was speaking at a convent. Yes, he took me to the convent for my anniversary. :(  It's kind've funny now but not so much then. 

 

 

Oh yeah, we have had rocky gift giving occasions in the beginning of our marriage.  Dh didn't get me a bday gift early in our marriage and it didn't really cause a fight. I just decided after that I wasn't doing any sort of gifts with him.  But he always talked up gift giving occasions like he had grand plans so I would panic and get him something.  turned out he was all talk and no follow through because I had many disappointing gift occasions in the first few years of marriage.  I don't remember what changed that but he is no longer like that.

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Actually, avoiding an argument can be the healthy choice sometimes, especially when you are already emotionally wiped out. Melissa's had a rough year (18 months?) of it and I totally understand why she would conserve energy by avoiding the argument. Anger takes energy. It's a cost benefit thingy.

 

 

True.

 

Burying anger takes energy too, but I take the point about cost benefit.

 

:grouphug:

 

I hope you find a path that makes you feel better, Melissa.  If you think jewelry might do the trick, go for it.

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