when your house rules keep family away

[UmMusa]

The thread about rules regarding non married couples sleeping over got me thinking about how we all have a rule or two that someone else in the family might not like or agree with.  How often do these rules keep those family members from visiting you?  Is it worth it in the end, for the people who choose not to visit?  In the bf/gf sleepover thread, would your adult child have quit coming to see you if their bf/gf couldn'tl sleep in the same room as them?

 

I'm experiencing something like this right now where DH and I have a 'no dogs in the house' rule, and a close relative (and new dog owner who is smitten with their dog and won't leave their dog with anyone else in the world) won't come visit us unless they bring sweet pooch with them.  They've asked many times and tried to coerce us in many ways which has been annoying.  They just couldn't take the 'no' the first (or tenth) time they got it.  So now... who knows when we'll see them again!  I am more limited in my schedule for visiting them, and anyway, they've come to see us about twice a year as a habit.  But now with the new darling doggie, we might not see them at all until we go to them.  FYI the dog is never left alone. She is carried in a carrier literally everywhere they go... flights, restaurants, shopping, work.

 

So, yes, I'm disappointed in how things turned out, but DH and I don't want to change our rule, and they don't want to leave their doggie.... anyone else experience this type of thing?

[Tap]

Yep, I won't allow smoking in my house.  My mom is a 2 pack a day smoker.  She used to visit once every few years and I would make a nice cushy  place in the garage, very nice covered back patio, and large covered front porch for her to smoke. She also had her car 15 feet from my front door, so she had 4 decent places to sit and smoke all she wanted.  She lives in Oregon, so indoor smoking in public places is against the law.  She is used to being in places that limit smoking to out door only. Last time she was here, it was nice weather so the accommodations were cozy and appropriate. She smokes on her own porch part of the time, so it isn't an uncommon thing for her. The last time she was here, she smoked in my bathroom in the middle of the night and proceed to lie to me about it..  It stunk like smoke in the bathroom and hallway for a week and I had to rewash all the towels. There is no window and just an old exhaust fan, so it just hung in the air.  She smokes cheap full strength cigs and they have a very foul odor.  I was not happy!  

 

I am a former smoker and so is DH so I understand the craving.  3/5 of us in my house have asthma, so I really avoid being around it, if at all possible.  Smoking in my home is a hill I am willing to fight for (maybe even die on due to the asthma). 

 

She has not been invited back and she hasn't asked either.  Had she not lied to me about it and if we could have had a real conversation about it, that would have been one thing.  But I felt that the act of doing it and then lying was something that I wan't going to let repeat itself.  Not in my home. I know she will never quit smoking, so I don't care if she smokes outside....just not in my house!! :rant:

 

If it came down to it, I would pay for a hotel for a visitor who felt that they needed to smoke indoors at night. My mom can choose to pay for her own, but for my kids, I would pay.  Even smoking hotels rooms are hard to find in our area though.

 

 

BTW.....I am the one who started the other thread.  I let dd18s boyfriend sleep over, in her bedroom, with the door locked all the time. LOL  They are college students and in a committed  relationship.  I am fine with it as long as they are polite and dare I say....discrete. LOL   The reason I was wondering how others felt, was that dd said I was middle of the road compared to her peer's parents on that rule.  I was curious if that was true, and after that thread (before it derailed) I think she is right.  

 

So, I am liberal on the other thread.....but strict about smoking. LOL  I am guessing we all have polarized issues that are very random compared to others. 

Edited July 6, 2017 by Tap

[J-rap]

If it were one of my adult children and the only way to get them to visit was to "break" a rule, I'd let them come.  (I mean, assuming no danger to anyone.)

 

Keeping up relationships is more important than a rule, even though it may be a rule that is important (but not quite critically crucial) to me.  I have an acquaintance who hasn't seen her own dd for two years because the only way their dd will visit is if she and her boyfriend can bring their two dogs.  My acquaintance doesn't allow dogs in their house.  So, they haven't seen their dd.  By golly, even if my dd was acting dumb and selfish, I'd still break that rule because keeping up a relationship would be more important than that rule.

 

I'd have to evaluate other relationships.  If it's a relationship that is very important to me, then I'd probably break the rule.  If it's a relationship that is more out of obligation but not really important to me otherwise, than I might not, though I'd try and suggest ways around it to them, to make it work.

[eternalsummer]

We are strict about food that can be brought into our home, and it has caused no end of drama.  There are some other things, most of which I don't want to get into an argument about on these forums.

[Frances]

Could they come visit but not stay with you? When my husband was in grad school we lived in married family housing and no pets were allowed. We were also RAs in exchange for free housing. We had good friends come visit and their dogs were traveling with them. We had told them in advance that no dogs were allowed, but I think they thought we would change our minds once they arrived and let them bring them in when it got dark. But we could have lost our jobs as RAs and also didn't feel we should break a rule we were supposed to be enforcing. So we went hiking with them and the dogs and took them out to eat at an outdoor restaurant that allowed dogs and then they camped for the night instead of staying with us. It's probably a bit different than your situation because they were just passing through on a road trip. But maybe you can find some compromise.

[Jean in Newcastle]

It has never come up.  But we've had situations where people are allergic to our animals and can't stay with us for that reason.  There is no way that I could get our house completely fur free with dogs cats and rabbits in this house.  They stay with other family near us or a hotel and we get together at restaurants and go sightseeing together. 

[Pawz4me]

If it were one of my adult children and the only way to get them to visit was to "break" a rule, I'd let them come.  (I mean, assuming no danger to anyone.)

 

Keeping up relationships is more important than a rule, even though it may be a rule that is important (but not quite critically crucial) to me.  I have an acquaintance who hasn't seen her own dd for two years because the only way their dd will visit is if she and her boyfriend can bring their two dogs.  My acquaintance doesn't allow dogs in their house.  So, they haven't seen their dd.  By golly, even if my dd was acting dumb and selfish, I'd still break that rule because keeping up a relationship would be more important than that rule.

 

I'd have to evaluate other relationships.  If it's a relationship that is very important to me, then I'd probably break the rule.  If it's a relationship that is more out of obligation but not really important to me otherwise, than I might not, though I'd try and suggest ways around it to them, to make it work.

 

^^This.^^

 

Except I do understand rules relating to health issues.

 

I wouldn't let anyone smoke in my house, period. There's nothing beneficial about it and lots of bad, and DH and DS18 are prone to all sorts of respiratory issues.

 

Same if there were serious (not just nuisance) allergies involved.

 

But otherwise . . . well, we don't have many hard-and-fast rules anyway. Other than smoking none than I can think of, really. I can't see letting something arbitrary and not harmful stand in the way of a relationship I enjoyed and wanted to nurture.

[eternalsummer]

Oh, I'm sure there are some rules many people would be absolutely strict about, even at the cost of relationships and separate of health issues.

 

Something like, no, you cannot bring home a prostitute.  Or no, you cannot open-carry a loaded gun around the house.  Or no, you and your 14 year old girlfriend cannot make out on the couch.  Or no, you cannot wear your Klan uniform to dinner.

 

It's just that some people (our family, for one) have some imperatives that, while as strongly felt and inviolable as the more popular anti-Klan sentiment, are not as in sync with what is popular these days.  This creates conflict, unfortunately.

[slackermom]

And no, they may not play on the roof.

[bettyandbob]

We have no smoking. Dh father was a smoker. He smoked outside. He died several years ago and we don't have anyone else to apply the rule to.

 

We have a small no shedding dog. We have advised people of dhs allergies and no one has tried to bring a dog. I could see dh allowing that and regretting it.

 

We've not had anyone want to engage in illegal activity so that hasn't come up.

[Zebra]

If you want a dog free house I don't understand why you aren't allowed that in your own home.  Someone who actually wants a relationship with you with respect that.

 

If they don't respect that, I feel like the relationship isn't that important to them.   

 

 

 

 

[marbel]

We  would't allow smoking but no one we know smokes, so it doesn't really matter. I can't think of any house rules we have other than that.  I guess we wouldn't let anyone stay with cats, because 3/4 of us are allergic, my husband quite seriously. 

 

I guess we don't really have house rules other than health related ones.  I don't really set up rules.  In the other thread, I mentioned a relative who had a strict "no bf/gf sleeping over" and was quite loud and dogmatic about it, till one of her kids challenged it, and she decided the rule wasn't worth it.  She let a bf stay without giving any explanation for her actions. That caused a lot of resentment and confusion in the family for a while.  So, after watching that mess (I didn't have my own household then), I've not really set any rules other than those related to health/allergies.  I've not needed to, so far.  

 

ETA: On further thought... we don't have stated rules about illegal activity because that seems like it wouldn't need to be mentioned. But on the other hand, we have had discussions with our kids about illegal downloads.  Once a relative staying with us downloaded some music illegally and we had to forbid that. The person agreed though so we didn't have to kick her out.  

 

 

Edited July 6, 2017 by marbel

[Lanny]

You and your DH are correct.  The people with the dog are allowed to bring it into restaurants and into grocery stores?   Where do they live that animals are allowed in grocery stores?  They need help. 

[Guest]

Yes, I have several rules that mean certain people won't visit. Number one, I am not a servant. If you can't treat me as hostess, don't come. The rest are ordinary guest manners in a home with dc...leave your lug soles at home if you aren't replacing the flooring; don't get wasted; no smoking; don't be taking or damaging things that belong to the occupants; don't bring a weapon or pet unless you are on duty and its part of your job ; dont come if you have pinkeye, pnuemonia, etc ; no hurting others; elderly and ladies are to be offered chairs if all are occupied by teens or 20 somethng males; and if you are a child, its inclusive - everyone plays. We can meet at a neutral place instead, unless of course they want to insult me or harm the dc. Mil is currently on another six month ban, she can't keep from wishing me dead. No loss, she isn't able to converse on another subject and there are plenty of other people she can visit until she can get her issues under control.

Edited July 6, 2017 by Heigh Ho

[MEmama]

You and your DH are correct. The people with the dog are allowed to bring it into restaurants and into grocery stores? Where do they live that animals are allowed in grocery stores? They need help.

I see dogs in grocery stores/places like Target quite frequently now. They don't appear to be any sort of service animal so I'm not sure what the explanation is, but it's definitely more common.

 

I guess initially I thought it was weird and off putting, but then I couldn't come up with any actual reasons why I should care. So I don't, for the most part.

[SparklyUnicorn]

For awhile due to a no smoking rule. 

 

I'd probably have to say no to dogs as well since I have 2 cats and they barely like each other so I don't that would go down well.  LOL

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

You and your DH are correct.  The people with the dog are allowed to bring it into restaurants and into grocery stores?   Where do they live that animals are allowed in grocery stores?  They need help. 

 

I've never see this either minus a clearly marked and clearly obvious seeing eye dog.

[Guest]

I really dislike dogs. My fil spoils his dogs, let's them sit on furniture, lick plates, etc. He had zero understanding that some people don't like dogs, don't want to be licked or smelled. So, there were several years that he didn't visit us (MIL did) because we didn't allow his dog. They now have a neighbor that watches the dog so he will visit now. Oh well, if he wants the damn dog to be more important than his grandkids, that is his choice.

[freesia]

We are facing a grandma who wants a new dog, but will only get one if we allow it to visit.  It's driving me crazy.  Two of my kids have randomly been bitten by dogs and we have a cat and I don't really want a dog in my house. But more than that, it feels insensitive and a bit manipulative.  I'm not sure why dog owners make this a hill to die on sometimes.  Grandma sure can get a dog and have a neighbor watch it (as she did with her previous dogs).  I don't want to hear about how lonely Grandma is, but how she can't get a dog b/c we won't let her bring it after 13 years of previous dog ownership where this wasn't an issue. Why am I the problem here??????

[Guest]

I've never see this either minus a clearly marked and clearly obvious seeing eye dog.

The restaurants and grocers here keep to the law...so many people were bringing dogs in that they now remind that only dogs helping the blind and disabled, or working military or law enforcement dogs, with their partners are allowed. Grocers here have a delivery service, so if the person can't shop without a dog, they have an option.

 

We still have several small business owners with that have a dog at work.

[Aura]

When I worked at a national chain grocery store, we had customers bring in their dogs. It was quite disgusting, and technically not allowed. But we weren't allowed to say anything because (1) they could just claim it was their "service" dog and we could not dispute that, (2) anything to avoid bad publicity, and (3) the "customer is always right" mentality.

 

ETA: it was NOT frequent. And I swear it was the same two people. It was just really irritating. And customers would complain, so you'd think the management would do something...but nope. Pretty sure they were too afraid of a lawsuit and the bad PR that goes with it.

Edited July 6, 2017 by Aura

[Joyofsixreboot]

I think we may be rule-less. Except no illegal drugs. That would be a no go.

 

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[ktgrok]

I'd like to think I could come to a compromise rather than not have family visit - assuming I want them to visit and we aren't talking about a relative no one likes anyway.

 

Smoking in the house I wouldn't break, but I'd happily sit outside with the smoker to keep them company. I can't imagine that ever actually being an issue with any of my family. My mom is missing part of her lung now due to lung cancer and also has COPD from smoking. She and my dad quit the day she got her cancer diagnosis. But even before that they had stopped smoking indoors. My BIL smokes, but always outside when he comes to visit. he's never even thought about doing it inside. I guess it helps that it is Florida so I'm not sending anyone out in a snowstorm or anything. 

 

I don't want an unmarried couple sharing a bedroom, at least while I have small children, but I wouldn't miss out on seeing my kids over it. I'd explain to my other kids that we don't approve, but adults get to do their own thing. I mean  heck, it won't be the only cohabiting couple my kids ever meet. I'd also ask for discretion from the visiting family member. Maybe I'd even pay for a hotel room for the girlfriend/boyfriend to stay there, which they might appreciate as my family tends to be overwhelming, lol. 

 

Pets, well that's not an issue in my house, lol. I love animals. But say they had a mean dog that would fight with my own animals? I guess we'd figure something out...baby gates to keep Kujo in one area and my animals in another or something. I'd also offer to pay for doggy daycare or house sitter or what not in hopes of another solution. 

 

Heck, even my aunt who is allergic and doesn't want dogs in the house has made her basement into a guest area (has it's own walk out) so that family members with pets can stay down there, with the pet, and not get dander into the rest of the house. I suppose if I were the OP, I'd offer to help pay for a pet friendly hotel (assuming this is my child or sibling, not great aunt so and so) so they could have the pet with them and yet not in my house. Then we'd hang out outside when they came to the house. 

"I'm so sorry we can't accommodate fluffy at our house, but I know you don't want to board her, so here is a list of pet friendly hotels in the area. And I've planned to barbecue on the patio and a walk at the park/farmers market/etc for while you're here so we can be together."  

 

In other words, I'd make sacrifices, even if I couldn't bend the rule, if this was my child or someone else I really want to keep in contact with. Sometimes it's better to be happy than to be right. 

[Scarlett]

Thinking about it.....it seems our life is set up in such a way that we never have any issue with rules.

 

No one who would visit our home smokes. Or would bring a dog.....well, SIL did a few times but now she leaves it when she visits. But we don't really mind if she brings it. But she did ask every time. As far as dogs I might say yes to one person and no to another....depends on the dog.

 

No one who would visit our home would be sleeping with someone they aren't married to.

 

I don't let kids eat anywhere in my house except the table. And when they are done I clean them up or say, wait, let mommy wash your hands before you get down. ;)

 

I don't allow kids to use my mesh floaty in the pool. Friends swam here recently when we weren't home and sure enough one of the mesh floaties was ruined. I meant to put it away, but forgot.

 

We don't allow underage guests to have even one sip of alcohol in our home....but that is much more a legal issue than moral.

 

Really not many issues. Thankfully.

[ktgrok]

This is true, but in all of these cases, these are also things that would make me not want to be in a relationship with them anyway. So it wouldn't be about the house rules, it would be about who they were as a person. If they are doing something that terrible I don't want them around me ANYWHERE, not just in my house. (well, other than open carry, I think that's a safety issue not a personality issue...although I suppose someone unwilling to lock up the gun for a few hours while at my house probably WOULD have personality issues. I know tons of open carry people and none would carry as a guest if it wasn't allowed.)

Oh, I'm sure there are some rules many people would be absolutely strict about, even at the cost of relationships and separate of health issues.

 

Something like, no, you cannot bring home a prostitute.  Or no, you cannot open-carry a loaded gun around the house.  Or no, you and your 14 year old girlfriend cannot make out on the couch.  Or no, you cannot wear your Klan uniform to dinner.

 

It's just that some people (our family, for one) have some imperatives that, while as strongly felt and inviolable as the more popular anti-Klan sentiment, are not as in sync with what is popular these days.  This creates conflict, unfortunately.

 

[wintermom]

So far, no rules keep visitors away, though our cat and house full of kids does. My father has cat allergies, so when my parents visit (every 2 -3 years) they stay at a hotel. 

 

My dh's family has a reunion/vacation at a beach every summer. They all stay in beach houses and my dh's mold allergies make that very uncomfortable for him. So when we go we stay in a hotel. 

 

If this relative wants to see you and bring their dog along, they can stay somewhere else. No need for you to change your rules. You can certainly make the effort to go see them, though. That would do a lot to keep up the relationship. Mutual understanding and respect are important in any relationship.

 

 

Edited July 6, 2017 by wintermom

[ktgrok]

If you want a dog free house I don't understand why you aren't allowed that in your own home.  Someone who actually wants a relationship with you with respect that.

 

If they don't respect that, I feel like the relationship isn't that important to them.   

 

I agree. I've only once brought a dog to somewhere that I wasn't SURE it was welcome, and that was my mother's house on Chirstmas day. It was a new puppy and we hadn't been able to find anyone to watch the dog. I knew my mom didn't have allergies or anything, they in fact have their own dog, and I knew she liked dogs. I just wasn't sure she wanted a puppy in her house on Chirstmas. But I brought the dog's crate and a leash and offered to keep the dog either kenneled on the patio on on a leash indoors the whole time. I'm sure she would have RATHER not had to deal with it, but no way was she going to miss out on Christmas with her kids and grand kids over it. So I did keep the dog on a leash, she told me it was a pretty dog, and it was fine. But I did offer to keep puppy outside, and had I been able to find a house sitter I would have. So we both were looking to bend, if we could. 

[gstharr]

When I worked at a national chain grocery store, we had customers bring in their dogs. It was quite disgusting, and technically not allowed. But we weren't allowed to say anything because (1) they could just claim it was their "service" dog and we could not dispute that, (2) anything to avoid bad publicity, and (3) the "customer is always right" mentality.

 

ETA: it was NOT frequent. And I swear it was the same two people. It was just really irritating. And customers would complain, so you'd think the management would do something...but nope. Pretty sure they were too afraid of a lawsuit and the bad PR that goes with it.

 

 

 I am greatly bothered by this new dog trend. The dogs are everywhere. last flight I was on had two.  Just have to claim emotional need, and have a doctor sign off.  http://emotionalsupportanimals.org/2010/10/07/how-do-i-get-my-dog-certified-as-an-emotional-support-dog/

[Guest]

When I worked at a national chain grocery store, we had customers bring in their dogs. It was quite disgusting, and technically not allowed. But we weren't allowed to say anything because (1) they could just claim it was their "service" dog and we could not dispute that, (2) anything to avoid bad publicity, and (3) the "customer is always right" mentality.

 

ETA: it was NOT frequent. And I swear it was the same two people. It was just really irritating. And customers would complain, so you'd think the management would do something...but nope. Pretty sure they were too afraid of a lawsuit and the bad PR that goes with it.

In our town, a guy was recently filmed with a large snake in a restaurant. The woman who filmed him asked the owner to ask the man to leave. The owner told her he could not ask the man to leave since it was a service animal. The news report said that only dogs are legal service animals and only specially trained dogs. Emotional support animals (which is what the snake was) are not protected by law.

[DawnM]

I don't think we have any that keep people away, at least they haven't said anything.

[PrincessMommy]

We are facing a grandma who wants a new dog, but will only get one if we allow it to visit.  It's driving me crazy.  Two of my kids have randomly been bitten by dogs and we have a cat and I don't really want a dog in my house. But more than that, it feels insensitive and a bit manipulative.  I'm not sure why dog owners make this a hill to die on sometimes.  Grandma sure can get a dog and have a neighbor watch it (as she did with her previous dogs).  I don't want to hear about how lonely Grandma is, but how she can't get a dog b/c we won't let her bring it after 13 years of previous dog ownership where this wasn't an issue. Why am I the problem here??????

 

 

This is my sentiments exactly in so many situations.  Why is the person saying "no" the problem in most situations?

[PrincessMommy]

 I am greatly bothered by this new dog trend. The dogs are everywhere. last flight I was on had two.  Just have to claim emotional need, and have a doctor sign off.  http://emotionalsupportanimals.org/2010/10/07/how-do-i-get-my-dog-certified-as-an-emotional-support-dog/

 

 

I am too.  I really dislike it.  

[happypamama]

It hasn't been an issue, and I can't imagine it really ever would be, but I absolutely would not allow smoking in my house. Absolutely not, no way no how.

 

And if you want my WiFi, I'll happily give you the password, but it has a p*rn filter on it. We don't do that here. Use your cell service if you really want to look at something nasty.

[regentrude]

In our town, a guy was recently filmed with a large snake in a restaurant. 

 

Better than dogs. Fewer allergies, don't bark, and don't jump up and slobber on people.

[regentrude]

For us, this has never come up. I am not even aware of having house rules - but I would not allow smoking. None of our friends and family smoke.

 

[Bluegoat]

I don't think this has ever come up for us.  If something did, I would try and be flexible.  We don't smoke in the house, and no one has ever tried - it generally seems to be assumed these days that people go out to smoke.  But, if say my old uncle came for an evening, I might stick him next to a window and live with it.  It's never happened in 15 years, so I wouldn't anticipate it being an ongoing thing, we can deal with the evening.  If he were staying a week, that would be a different story and a different solution.

 

If someone came with a gun (can't imagine! you can't walk around with a handgun here and who brings a rifle or shotgun to a party?) I'd offer to put it in the safe.

 

But of course, it's possible something like this would happen.  I guess my feeling is, try to look for solutions and be practical, rather than making it a matter of principle to dig heels around.  The principle of a loving community is going to be more important than most others.

[Guest]

Better than dogs. Fewer allergies, don't bark, and don't jump up and slobber on people.

True, but honestly, I would vomit if I tried to eat with a snake in the booth next to me.

[JustEm]

Well my sister has a philosophy that has made visiting her impossible for me. It sucks. I used to drive 15 hrs to visit her twice a year. The kids had an awesome relationship with their cousins and my sister and I had an even closer one than we do now. But the last time I visited her something happened that made me feel unwelcomed and she completely backed the person who did it. So now I know who she'll back if something comes up again so I won't be visiting her again. Even staying in a different house, which we have because my parents have a house 3 doors down isn't worth it because she lives somewhere where there is nothing to do. So to drive 15 hrs to only see them a small amount of time isn't worth it.

 

Now we see them once a year and it just isn't the same. I'm thankful my kids have tons of other cousins to form close relationships with.

 

My family has no house rules that would keep people away.

[Alice]

I guess we have a no smoking rule, but we don't know anyone who smokes so it's not an issue. We don't have any family members who visit who would bring pets so that hasn't been an issue either. We have a dog so I guess if someone asked, we would consider the idea but I wouldn't be thrilled about it. Ds is allergic to cats so we would have to say no on that. 

 

I agree in general that the rules of the house should be respected. Someone who is visiting is a guest, even if it's family. In an ideal situation both host and guest should do what they can to compromise but it seems unreasonable to expect people to completely change a house rule (like no dogs) for someone who is visiting and who has other options (hotel, kennel the dog, get a dog sitter, etc) 

 

We have had the unmarried couples issue come up in our extended family. SIL is single and lives in a very large house. She is strongly opposed to unmarried couples staying together in bedrooms in her house.  We have several nieces and nephews who are living with their partners. SIL has made a stand that they cannot stay with her. One niece is getting married this fall to her long time boyfriend (who she lives with). He has relatives (including his Mom and her long time boyfriend) coming to the wedding who are in unmarried relationships and they asked SIL if they could stay at her house since it's very large. (As an aside she bought the house from her siblings when their father died, primarily in order for it to remain a "family house" where big events could be held and where she could host guests. She routinely hosts people from out-of-town, including people who are acquaintances or families of friends. So asking her if someone could stay there was not in itself an issue.) She said they could only stay at her house in separate bedrooms.

 

We share SIL's personal beliefs about sex being something that should be in a married relationship. So she asked us what our thoughts were. Both dh and I agreed that we would be fine with them staying here, and would be fine with our other family members in unmarried relationships. We felt like we would prefer to offer hospitality than to be strict about our own personal morals. And I felt like it was easy to explain that to our kids. 

 

To me it is easier to compromise on something like a personal belief or moral than on something like smoking.  If an unmarried couple is having sex in our house it doesn't personally impact me but if I'm breathing in smoke or my house now has dog hair all over it, that does impact me directly. 

[Carrie12345]

I can't think of any special rules that have kept visitors away.  Relatives have dropped by and left their dogs in the car. (Shaded, crated, all doors/trunk open, food and water provided, taken out to do their business and maybe play with the kids outside for a bit.)  It's not a rule that we have.  We have and have had dogs (and cats) this whole time. They weren't asked to be brought in, but they were also just short visits, not long stays.  

My sister and I have asked to bring our small dogs to others' houses for all-day visits.  We're craters/carriers happy to stash our babies in other rooms, but neither of us would have taken issue with being told that wouldn't work for the homeowner.  

 

Everyone expects to smoke outside.  Most smokers I know don't smoke inside their own homes.

 

We did have difficulty with long-term guests.  Keeping food in the dining area and not having kids run around the (tiny) house past 10pm were apparently very offensive expectations.  Short-term, I could have ignored it, but not for weeks on end.  Also, using a preschooler to try to manipulate me into keeping a stray cat in my house was a pretty big problem.

[Zebra]

I am too.  I really dislike it.  

 

I don't understand why human beings who have a fear of dogs, a dog allergy or simply don't like dogs are given absolutely no consideration.   Their feelings or needs are completely disregarded.

 

FWIW, service dogs should always without exception be well trained.   I don't think that is asking too much.  Emotional support animals should have to be trained just like dogs for the blind.

[Pink and Green Mom]

True, but honestly, I would vomit if I tried to eat with a snake in the booth next to me.

 

Or die.  :svengo:

[Valley Girl]

I had extended family refuse to set foot in my new-to-me house for several years because I would not allow smoking in it. Eventually, they relented and all was fine. My close family members who smoke never once complained or made a negative comment about it. They simply smoked outside without issue. My compromise was not complaining about the smoke smell on clothing, etc. Both sides value the relationship. (I do realize that the lingering odors can cause problems for some people. I'm grateful I didn't have to make an issue of that because these family members were already doing what they could to respect my wishes.)

 

ETA: The family who willingly smoked outside surprised me (pleasantly) by continuing to do that when I visited THEM. I never had to ask or hint. They just did it.

Edited July 6, 2017 by Reluctant Homeschooler

[zoobie]

Aside from things we have never had to deal with (no Klan uniforms? Wouldn't be an issue because no member would ever be invited to my home!), no smoking has been the only rule that maybe has kept people away. My mother and her husband have smoked off and on. She doesn't know that we know she is back to smoking (insert eye rolls here). She smoked all the time when I was growing up and knows it gives me migraines, and she knows it isn't allowed around the kids. She hasn't come over reeking of smoke so is very careful. Sometimes the tissue paper in gifts smells like smoke.

 

The dog would irritate me. I don't know what I would do. We have inside dogs. One of mine can be territorial, and we have cats, so a dog that didn't get along with my animals would be a no go. My dad doesn't like inside animals but allowed my inside cats to visit when I came home to get married. They offered to cat sit while we were on our honeymoon even (broke law students). If we were out with one of our dogs and wanted to stop by, I highly doubt we would be refused entry, but I wouldn't ask if I knew it was something that really bothered him versus something he just doesn't "get." Our dogs are inside dogs, no fleas, clean and fresh smelling, and housebroken. And when he's here, he invariably has one dog with her head in his lap getting petted nearly constantly. I wouldn't get offended if he asked us to hang outside with the dog either or come by another time. We very rarely go anywhere with our dogs so it's never been an issue.

 

It would depend on the rule, why I have it (is it a boundary representing a larger issue?), why the person needs to break it, and my relationship with that person.

[ktgrok]

  I guess my feeling is, try to look for solutions and be practical, rather than making it a matter of principle to dig heels around.  The principle of a loving community is going to be more important than most others.

 

Yes, this. 

[trulycrabby]

How often do house rules keep a guest away? Not often enough, unfortunately. ;)

[AngieC]

No smoking would be a rule I wouldn't bend, but we don't have any smokers who would visit, so it's a bit of a moot rule. I also wouldn't allow anyone to open carry or knowingly bring a weapon of that sort into my house, but again, we don't know many/any gun-toting people, so I doubt it's a rule I would ever have to enforce.

 

Otherwise, I value my family, especially my kids, over arbitrary rules, so I would do my best to make any situation work.

[Murphy101]

Oh, I'm sure there are some rules many people would be absolutely strict about, even at the cost of relationships and separate of health issues.

 

Something like, no, you cannot bring home a prostitute. Or no, you cannot open-carry a loaded gun around the house. Or no, you and your 14 year old girlfriend cannot make out on the couch. Or no, you cannot wear your Klan uniform to dinner.

 

It's just that some people (our family, for one) have some imperatives that, while as strongly felt and inviolable as the more popular anti-Klan sentiment, are not as in sync with what is popular these days. This creates conflict, unfortunately.

For me, our "rules" are there to preserve and create healthy relationships or a healthy environment for our family. It's not even some dramatic black and white rule really. It's just... life. So far, it hasn't created any conflict whatsoever.

 

I'm sure it does affect some relationship interactions, but that's not because of our rules. Those relationships were shaky long before we ever had kids or rules.

[Murphy101]

How often do house rules keep a guest away? Not often enough, unfortunately. ;)

I know? That's my house too. Given how often someone is walking through my door, whatever I'm doing must not be off-putting enough.

[Selkie]

I allow dogs to visit, but not people.  ;)