when your house rules keep family away

[QueenCat]

I don't see why this would have to be a problem. Surely people can go without alcohol for one evening meal a week or whatever the schedule is. It ought to be a non issue, and you ought to feel completely comfortable with a no alcohol policy. Give it a try and hopefully you'll be pleasantly surprised!

 

 

It shouldn't be. We drink but if someone doesn't, that's fine. However, I'd be a little put out if I brought a hostess gift of wine, in a bag, not expecting to drink it, and the host told me that she couldn't accept my gift. I'd hope that she'd smile, say thank you, and then dispose of it after I'm gone. Of course, if I knew she didn't drink, I'd bring a different hostess gift.

[Cindy in FL.]

I agree!

 

It shouldn't be. We drink but if someone doesn't, that's fine. However, I'd be a little put out if I brought a hostess gift of wine, in a bag, not expecting to drink it, and the host told me that she couldn't accept my gift. I'd hope that she'd smile, say thank you, and then dispose of it after I'm gone. Of course, if I knew she didn't drink, I'd bring a different hostess gift.

[heartlikealion]

For the most part, I agree...... but if a couple has been living together for years, as a couple, then as a hostess, I can't imagine suggesting that they sleep apart at my house. Regardless of my belief system. For me, our rules center more around things that would truly harm someone in the home, rather than imposing our values on them. If you smoke, here's an ashtray, go out on the deck to smoke. That kind of stuff.. But you are right, it's up to the host to determine the parameters for their guests. How they go about it reflects on who they are. How the guest reacts is on the guest.

 

What if it wasn't sleeping in the same room. What if it was smoking weed or walking around the house nude? "But we always walk around nude in our home!" would be irrelevant to me. Put some clothes on. :laugh:

 

I think it would be best to have the conversation before the guests made travel plans, though. Letting them know after they arrive with suitcases would probably be worse.

 

I went to a party once where some people were inside and some were outside. I chose to stay outside because it was hosted by Japanese students and I didn't want to take off my shoes, but felt that if I went inside I should (I believe someone specifically told me that I'd need to or I witnessed others doing it). I was wearing the boots in my avatar and it was just too much trouble. Of course, I'm familiar with shoe and sleeping arrangement rules varying so none of this stuff would really faze me.

Edited July 7, 2017 by heartlikealion

[QueenCat]

What if it wasn't sleeping in the same room. What if it was smoking weed or walking around the house nude? "But we always walk around nude in our home!" would be irrelevant to me. Put some clothes on. :laugh:

 

I think it would be best to have the conversation before the guests made travel plans, though. Letting them know after they arrive with suitcases would probably be worse.

 

 

 

Definitely wrong to spring it on them after they arrive. I'd think that a couple that had been living together for years would expect to sleep together when visiting me. If I wasn't going to let them, it'd be wrong of me to not tell them before they bought plane tickets. As to illegal activity, nope, that would fall under harmful. And I promise to start a new thread here if I ever have a houseguest who wants to stay nude. Because that will be something to talk about.......

[heartlikealion]

Definitely wrong to spring it on them after they arrive. I'd think that a couple that had been living together for years would expect to sleep together when visiting me. If I wasn't going to let them, it'd be wrong of me to not tell them before they bought plane tickets. As to illegal activity, nope, that would fall under harmful. And I promise to start a new thread here if I ever have a houseguest who wants to stay nude. Because that will be something to talk about.......

 

not illegal everywhere so is it harmful to you because of the law or because of the substance?

 

[heartlikealion]

We could always shift it to smoking cigarettes. Just because people do it in their own home doesn't mean you can't ask them not to do it in yours. And probably something I'd try to find a way to warn them about in advance as well.

[QueenCat]

not illegal everywhere so is it harmful to you because of the law or because of the substance?

 

 

It's illegal here and I tend to be worried about things like dh's security clearance. I personally don't see it as more harmful than having a glass of wine so if I lived where it's legal, dh & I would have to discuss it. We personally aren't into that kind of thing but I'm not sure what our reaction would be if that came up & it was legal. Probably "no" because we don't like being around smoke and don't allow smoking in the house.

[ktgrok]

I think the way things are handled is just as important as the rules themselves. So there is a big difference between, "No you can't bring your dog, and if have a  problem with that you must not love me" and "Oh, I'm so sorry but it won't work out to have Fido stay here. Do you have someone there to watch him, or should I ask around about pet friendly hotels?"

 

You can say, "We don't allow smoking, so if you want cigarretes you need to stay home" or you can say, "I've set up a spot with an ashtray and a comfortable chair in a nice shady area of the lawn for you. Feel free to step out whenever you need to."

 

 

[heartlikealion]

That was my point, that you can still say no to people even if they do it at their house all the time. If I had adults coming over and didn't have my children in the home I do not know how I would handle it.

[Crimson Wife]

The TSA Instagram page just posted a picture of a service duck.

 

What "service" is the duck supposed to provide?

 

Honestly, the whole "emotional support animal" thing has gotten totally out of control. I'm not a big fan of government regulation but when people are abusing the unregulated status quo, it's time for something akin to the disability parking placard where the person with a disability has to prove a legitimate need for a service animal and get a formal permit for it.

 

My daughter at some point will most likely get a hearing dog that is specially trained to help alert her to dangers she is unable to hear due to her disability. I have no problem with jumping through hoops to prove her need for a service animal & secure a formal permit for it.

 

[foxbridgeacademy]

I have rules that make if difficult for some of my family to visit.  No smoking in my house (including garage or porches- the smell still makes it's way in). No dogs, my sister brought her's years ago and in the 2 days she was there it pooped 3 times and peed 3 times on my new carpet.  I'm about to institute a limited drinking clause but then no one would visit.  I'm okay with them having a couple drinks but this isn't Cancun or Mardi Gras and they're here to visit me and the kids not go out all night drinking then sleep all day on my couch.  I have people coming next month and I'm starting to get grouchy.

[HS Mom in NC]

I agree that taking dogs everywhere is weird.  Are those dog owners unaware that some people have serious allergies?In a crowded area it can be a problem.

[Seasider]

I agree that taking dogs everywhere is weird. Are those dog owners unaware that some people have serious allergies?In a crowded area it can be a problem.

So this has me thinking. At what point in history, in what culture, has it been common to carry a pet around everywhere? And I don't mean kids running the neighborhood, or adults taking their working dogs to appropriate places.

 

I mean, the Egyptian pharaohs come to mind, but I'm drawing a blank otherwise.

Edited July 7, 2017 by Seasider

[Guest]

So this has me thinking. At what point in history, in what culture, has it been common to carry a pet around everywhere? And I don't mean kids running the neighborhood, or adults taking their working dogs to appropriate places.

 

I mean, the Egyptian pharaohs come to mind, but I'm drawing a blank otherwise.

I am curious about that too. In my extended fam, the dogs are the replacement for children. The real children are ignored as the dog owners gush about moments in the pets' lives. Then,after about 2 hours indoors, the dog fight begins and the families with dc leave.

 

What bothers me is all the scofflaws. Parks are now a place that the elderly can't enjoy, due to the numerous dog owners that refuse to obey the leash law.

[umsami]

We ask people to remove their shoes when they enter our house.  Everybody does that except my Mom and Dad.  But it's not a big deal for me, as they're my Mom and Dad, and I'd rather vacuum and mop a bit more than care.  I also know that at 84, it's not that easy for them to do so.

 

We're also a no smoking house.

 

Because of our faith, we don't have pork or alcohol in our house, and I'd really rather people not bring their own pork/wine....but so far it hasn't been an issue. If they're coming to dinner here, then we're providing the food.  All of my friends are savvy enough not to bring a slab of bacon or a bottle of wine to our house as a hostess gift. :)

Edited July 7, 2017 by umsami

[QueenCat]

We ask people to remove their shoes when they enter our house.  Everybody does that except my Mom and Dad.  But it's not a big deal for me, as they're my Mom and Dad, and I'd rather vacuum and mop a bit more than care.  I also know that at 84, it's not that easy for them to do so.

 

 

I have no problem removing my shoes....... so long as you have told me in advance so that I can bring slippers with me in the winter or a pair of light socks with me in the warmer weather. It's not nice to ask me to remove my shoes if I don't have something that I can put on my feet.

[marbel]

I'm afraid this might be an issue for us in the future. We don't allow any alcohol in our home (not even a beer or glass of wine), for various personal reasons. We want to start hosting a regular gathering/fellowship/meal time for people in our church and community, but I'm afraid that it will turn people off that we don't wish to allow any alcohol. I'm afraid they'll think we are being legalistic, when in reality our reasons are not religious or philosophical but instead based on personal background and feelings.

 

Editing to say: I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I'm also afraid we'll get the reputation as the boring/uptight house where no one can kick back and relax.

 

I would expect people to understand, though at first some folks may be confused if your general culture includes alcohol.

 

We do serve alcohol at our house, but we also have other things to drink.  I usually try to have a sort of "fun" nonalcoholic beverage, like raspberry lemonade, or a tea/juice/fruit sangria-type drink.  Something sparkly, too, like flavored seltzer.   People who generally drink alcohol sometimes don't want to for their own reasons.  :-)  I think if you provide a nice comfortable atmosphere people will enjoy it and want to come back.   And, you don't have to explain why you don't serve alcohol, but if the topic comes up, have ready a reply that doesn't sound judgmental or legalistic against people who do drink.  

[marbel]

I have no problem removing my shoes....... so long as you have told me in advance so that I can bring slippers with me in the winter or a pair of light socks with me in the warmer weather. It's not nice to ask me to remove my shoes if I don't have something that I can put on my feet.

 

Yes!  I am really uncomfortable if I have to be barefoot in someone else's house.  I am used to no-shoes houses now though, so if I am wearing sandals I put a pair of socks in my purse and if asked to remove my shoes (or if not asked but I see most people are not wearing shoes), happily slip off my sandals and put on my socks.   

 

ETA: I can't say that it looks great.  Fashion is not my strong area.  :-)

Edited July 7, 2017 by marbel

[StephanieZ]

I guess at the end of the day . . .

 

The person who wants to be with their gf/bf or dog . . . is choosing between love (for their partner or pet) and love (for the person they want to visit).

 

The person who wants to protect their house rules . . . is choosing between love (for their potential visitor) and their pride in their home (in case of not wanting a dog) or desire to enforce their own morality on others (bf/gf) or simply their desire to be king/queen of their castle (pride, pride, pride).

 

I think being hospitable is important. I don't go so far as the Ancient Greeks, but I think the general concept of the host going to significant effort to make their guests comfortable is a good one. The whole "my house, my rules" thing is possibly appropriate when we are raising kids, but not fine when we are dealing with adult guests, IMHO.

 

So, in my mind, the whole concept of house rules is a little sketchy. I have rules for my own kids, but I really don't have rules for visitors. Essentially, if I want to host someone, then I love them enough to be hospitable, which pretty much, to me, means letting them do what they want to do and making them as welcome and as comfortable as possible.

 

If I had a significant health/safety reason for having a house rule, then that'd be different. I.e., if I had a family member with fragile health and a severe pet allergy, then, OK, no visiting pets. I'd explain the reasoning to a potential pet-bringing-guest, so they'd know I was making a choice between protecting my loved one's life-threatening-health-concern and their love for their pet. Hopefully, they'd get it. (That said, I have asthma and am allergic to both cats and dogs . . . This doesn't stop us from owning quite a few house-cats and house-dogs and welcoming a dog visitor regularly). 

 

I think the essential question boils down to: what are you & your guest choosing among . . . If it boils down to I'm the boss because I own the house . . . then, to me, that's pretty ugly and selfish. 

 

 

 

Edited July 7, 2017 by StephanieZ

[Cindy in FL.]

My youngest is allergic to dogs. He will break out in hives and have an asthma attack just being near a dog or in a house where dogs live even if the dog is not present. It doesn't seem to matter what breed it is either. If he takes Benadryl ahead of time he can last maybe two hours before starting to cough and wheeze. It really upsets me that people bring their dogs to public places where they simply do not belong. Actual trained service dogs excepted, of course.

 

As someone who suffers from pretty significant GAD and panic attacks, I understand the desire to have someone/something comforting with me when in situations which are stressful, but as a nation we have taken that way too far.

 

I agree that taking dogs everywhere is weird. Are those dog owners unaware that some people have serious allergies?In a crowded area it can be a problem.

[QueenCat]

Yes!  I am really uncomfortable if I have to be barefoot in someone else's house.  I am used to no-shoes houses now though, so if I am wearing sandals I put a pair of socks in my purse and if asked to remove my shoes (or if not asked but I see most people are not wearing shoes), happily slip off my sandals and put on my socks.   

 

I encounter it rarely now, so do not normally carry socks in my purse. If I knew, I would.  But to have that added to an already overweight purse that I'm trying to downsize, just in case, no thanks.....

[slackermom]

We have friends with a strict no shoes in the house policy. They buy slippers in bulk and keep them in a chest by the door, available to anyone who wants them. The wife is an infectious diseases specialist, and will happily share germ horror stories. They don't have any rugs/carpets either.

[Carrie12345]

Lol, pretty much the same here. My MIL lobbied hard against us getting a dog. How dare we when she visited us here once a year and thought it was just a terrible idea. Apparently our cats were bad enough, but the dog was just a bridge too far!

 

Lady, you live three states away and your son is in his 30s. In what workd do you think you get a say? Heh, she's never visited since and I can't say as I'm sad about it.

 

And then there are people who are offended if you won't visit their home where 20 German Shepherds live.  I mean, why would anyone NOT want to be trapped in a box with tons of giant, barking, shedding, smelly beasts? Breathing is overrated, right?

[mamaraby]

And then there are people who are offended if you won't visit their home where 20 German Shepherds live. I mean, why would anyone NOT want to be trapped in a box with tons of giant, barking, shedding, smelly beasts? Breathing is overrated, right?

My sister had a German Shepherd and was incredibly offended that we all wanted her to put her dog in the kennel when we came to visit with out children. That both my sister and I put our vastly better behaved dogs in the kennel when people came over all the time was totally lost on her. She figured since my parent's dog (a small dog whose health issues means she spends the entire visit lying under an end table in my parent's bedroom) wasn't kenneled that meant her giant, jumpy, not well trained GSD could be out, too. Then again, at the time she lived with my parents so the dog was definitely kenneled, but she was pretty unhappy about it.

 

I'm totally not offended that my MIL refuses to visit. To me, it's a happy side effect. Her insisting she got a say in what we did at our own home was what was most irksome, but also not strictly limited to our getting a dog. She has serious boundry issues. Always has, always will.

[Seasider]

I guess at the end of the day . . .

 

The person who wants to be with their gf/bf or dog . . . is choosing between love (for their partner or pet) and love (for the person they want to visit).

 

The person who wants to protect their house rules . . . is choosing between love (for their potential visitor) and their pride in their home (in case of not wanting a dog) or desire to enforce their own morality on others (bf/gf) or simply their desire to be king/queen of their castle (pride, pride, pride).

 

I think being hospitable is important. I don't go so far as the Ancient Greeks, but I think the general concept of the host going to significant effort to make their guests comfortable is a good one. The whole "my house, my rules" thing is possibly appropriate when we are raising kids, but not fine when we are dealing with adult guests, IMHO.

 

So, in my mind, the whole concept of house rules is a little sketchy. I have rules for my own kids, but I really don't have rules for visitors. Essentially, if I want to host someone, then I love them enough to be hospitable, which pretty much, to me, means letting them do what they want to do and making them as welcome and as comfortable as possible.

 

If I had a significant health/safety reason for having a house rule, then that'd be different. I.e., if I had a family member with fragile health and a severe pet allergy, then, OK, no visiting pets. I'd explain the reasoning to a potential pet-bringing-guest, so they'd know I was making a choice between protecting my loved one's life-threatening-health-concern and their love for their pet. Hopefully, they'd get it. (That said, I have asthma and am allergic to both cats and dogs . . . This doesn't stop us from owning quite a few house-cats and house-dogs and welcoming a dog visitor regularly).

 

I think the essential question boils down to: what are you & your guest choosing among . . . If it boils down to I'm the boss because I own the house . . . then, to me, that's pretty ugly and selfish.

Your paragraph on health and safety reasons - perhaps because you don't have these issues - makes it seem like a very small number of people face them. But, these are common. So it's biting when you say the choice is between love for a guest and pride in a house. Often times it's a choice between love for a guest and love for a resident family member's need to breathe! Edited July 7, 2017 by Seasider

[marbel]

We have friends with a strict no shoes in the house policy. They buy slippers in bulk and keep them in a chest by the door, available to anyone who wants them. The wife is an infectious diseases specialist, and will happily share germ horror stories. They don't have any rugs/carpets either.

 

I have heard of this before and it makes no sense to me.  People wear the slippers while visiting, and then they leave, and other people come and wear the same slippers?  People who might have warts, or athlete's foot, or other foot maladies - maybe that they don't even know about?    Or do they send the slippers home with people and just replenish?   

 

Not trying to be snarky or provocative here.  I don't see how that's a good thing (unless they are one-use slippers which seems unbelievable). 

 

I don't think I have a phobia about foot diseases, but maybe I do... I think I would be very uncomfortable wearing general-use slippers.  It seems like the opposite of what an infectious disease specialist would suggest?   

 

ETA: OK, after reading BarbecueMom's post (just after this one) I looked up disposable slippers.  Looks like that is a real thing and makes more sense.  I was picturing "real" slippers.  

Edited July 7, 2017 by marbel

[BarbecueMom]

I have heard of this before and it makes no sense to me. People wear the slippers while visiting, and then they leave, and other people come and wear the same slippers? People who might have warts, or athlete's foot, or other foot maladies - maybe that they don't even know about? Or do they send the slippers home with people and just replenish?

 

Not trying to be snarky or provocative here. I don't see how that's a good thing (unless they are one-use slippers which seems unbelievable).

 

I don't think I have a phobia about foot diseases, but maybe I do... I think I would be very uncomfortable wearing general-use slippers. It seems like the opposite of what an infectious disease specialist would suggest?

I think single use, that's why they are bought in bulk? Unless I misread that.

 

I don't ask people to remove shoes because I'm incredibly lazy, but my grandmother died from a respiratory infection that comes from a bacteria found in pigeon poop. Probably tracked in the house on someone's shoes. It's a pretty easy way to track in germs from public bathrooms, too.

[desertstrawberry5]

You and your DH are correct.  The people with the dog are allowed to bring it into restaurants and into grocery stores?   Where do they live that animals are allowed in grocery stores?  They need help. 

it's not uncommon for old ladies to have a small lap dog in their shopping basket, here.  I think old ladies have done this for a long, long time. My mom had a chihuahua just before she died. She took her a lot of places. 

 

In california, a lot of restaurants have outdoor spaces that are dog friendly. People pop in while out walking the dog. It's not really weird at all. 

[StephanieZ]

Your paragraph in health and safety reasons - perhaps because you don't have these issues - makes it seem like a very small number of people face them. But, these are common. So it's biting when you say the choice is between love for a guest and pride in a house. Often times it's a choice between love for a guest and love for a resident family member's need to breathe!

 

I have asthma and pet allergies, so it's not that I don't understand the issue. :) I also have a life-threatening allergy to poultry meat, so I'm totally understanding that some allergies are more severe than others. This is exactly what I was thinking about when I wrote an entire paragraph noting the exception for health/safety issues. 

 

It so happens that the majority of discussions I've seen on this topic are not related to significant health/safety issues:

 

+ Bf/Gf sleeping over

+ pets visiting with no mention of health concerns

+ alcohol or pork consumption

+ no shoes in the house

+ etc.

 

Personally, I choose to have people in my life who are both loving and respectful of others. This means that folks visiting me wouldn't bring pork or alcohol if they knew I was opposed. It also means they'd understand if a health issue precluded their pet visiting. It also means no one would dream of smoking in my house, nor of flagrantly using illegal substances on my property -- as they wouldn't dream of stinking up my home (ALL smokers know that smoke stinks up a home) nor of exposing me to legal problems. 

 

Personally, I also choose to be respectful of those who I love or otherwise have as guests. This means that when folks visit me, I accept their gifts graciously. It also means I don't tell them what to eat, smoke, or drink, so long as it isn't significantly damaging my property or someone else's health. It also means I wouldn't dream of telling them who to sleep with. It also means I will tolerate their pet, so long as it isn't pooping or peeing in my house . . .

 

I make choices like investing in hard flooring throughout my house to minimize allergy issues. And having a HEPA filter in each guest space along with keeping the doors closed 24/7 when not in use to prevent my own pets from going in and filling the space with allergens . . . And keeping my fridge stocked with things I know my guests might like . . . etc. I can make choices that both make my guests comfortable and make my family comfortable . . .

 

My family generally removes shoes when we are indoors. This is a "family rule" for the most part. My house is pretty nice, and guests often think they should remove *their own* shoes when they see us in bare feet or socks. I always tell them, no, no, do whatever makes you comfortable. I'd much rather get some extra dirt/wear/tear in my house than make a guest uncomfortable. When I go to someone's no-shoes house, I take my shoes off . . . When I go to a Mormon household, I don't bring alcohol . . . I make efforts to be a good guest, as we all should, and I also make an effort to be a good host, as we all should. IMHO.

[slackermom]

I have heard of this before and it makes no sense to me.  People wear the slippers while visiting, and then they leave, and other people come and wear the same slippers?  People who might have warts, or athlete's foot, or other foot maladies - maybe that they don't even know about?    Or do they send the slippers home with people and just replenish?   

 

Not trying to be snarky or provocative here.  I don't see how that's a good thing (unless they are one-use slippers which seems unbelievable). 

 

I don't think I have a phobia about foot diseases, but maybe I do... I think I would be very uncomfortable wearing general-use slippers.  It seems like the opposite of what an infectious disease specialist would suggest?   

 

Believe it or not, they have dozens of clean fresh pairs of slippers in that chest. Lots of them are still in wrappers. Most of them are cloth, and washable as needed, like you might see in a spa or hotel. 

[StephanieZ]

For the record, I contracted Lyme Disease 2 months ago, and it was *very* severe involving multiple hospital visits, excruciating pain, and now visits with specialists and ongoing problems. There is a good chance that our frequent doggy-house-guest helped give it to me, as she *loves* to hang out in our mostly-wooded yard most of the day, and may well have brought in a "hitchhiker tick" that then infected me. 

 

My inappropriate-guilt-ridden friend whose doggy we often babysit was distraught to think her dog might have played a part in my illness. When we pet-sit her next month for 3 weeks . . . We have brain stormed together, and my vet-husband has come up with a plan . . . and said doggy (who we love) will be on double-tick-protection including one that repels ticks (to minimize hitch hiker ticks) in addition to her standard one that kills them after some hours . . . I was forthcoming about my concern, and my friend was /is *eager* to make sure that I am both protected from illness as well as *comfortable* in my home . . . 

 

I think that people who care about each other should be able to communicate and solve problems together. This works for me. Essentially, we don't have guests who aren't considerate people . . . If you have to have asshats for guests, then clearly this won't work as well. 

[Crimson Wife]

 

I think being hospitable is important. I don't go so far as the Ancient Greeks, but I think the general concept of the host going to significant effort to make their guests comfortable is a good one. The whole "my house, my rules" thing is possibly appropriate when we are raising kids, but not fine when we are dealing with adult guests, IMHO.

 

So, in my mind, the whole concept of house rules is a little sketchy. I have rules for my own kids, but I really don't have rules for visitors. Essentially, if I want to host someone, then I love them enough to be hospitable, which pretty much, to me, means letting them do what they want to do and making them as welcome and as comfortable as possible.

 

You're tacitly condoning behavior if you choose not to speak up against it. If a guest started in on some racist, misogynist rant, would you allow them to continue or would you ask them politely to refrain from that kind of speech?

 

Allowing unmarried couples to sleep in the same bed while visiting is similar for those of us who believe in traditional Biblical morality wrt s*x.

 

[regentrude]

You're tacitly condoning behavior if you choose not to speak up against it.

 

Allowing unmarried couples to sleep in the same bed while visiting is similar for those of us who believe in traditional Biblical morality wrt s*x.

 

What if an unmarried couple wanted to bring their out of wedlock child to your house?

Would receiving the child be "tacitly condoning behavior"?

Would your traditional biblical morality require you to refuse to have the child in your home?

[zoobie]

What if an unmarried couple wanted to bring their out of wedlock child to your house?

Would receiving the child be "tacitly condoning behavior"?

Would your traditional biblical morality require you to refuse to have the child in your home?

Or letting in divorced people? Remarried people? People who had affairs or commit other sins?

[Frances]

Or letting in divorced people? Remarried people? People who had affairs or commit other sins?

And do you need to serve bad food in order to discourage gluttony?

[Lady Florida.]

I don't know who some of you know or are related to but some of the situations are ones I can't even imagine. Walking around nude? Smoking weed or even cigarettes in the house? Bringing a dog without asking? I can only hope that some or all of these situations are either rare or hypothetical. 

 

We don't have house rules. It's not something that's ever come up.

 

Politics - The only one I know who would bring up politics would be my 90 yo FIL but most people we know wouldn't even bring it up unless they knew everyone else in the house was of the same mind. That has happened before where we've had guests we know think like us and we did talk politics. But that wasn't a debate - more like a commiseration. 

 

Sleeping arrangements - I don't think it's my place to manage the sex lives of other couples. If two people I know who are a couple will be staying with me, they'll be offered one room. Yes, even when my son was young. I thought it important for him to know there are many kinds of couples. He was 11 when his brother (half-brother, dss) got married. He knew they had been living together for almost 3 years and had even spent the night at their house several times.

 

Cigarettes - I don't know many smokers anymore but the ones I do know would never presume it's okay to smoke in someone's house. The last smoker who was a house guest here never even asked if she could smoke inside the house of a family of non-smokers. She just asked if I had an ashtray or something she could use as an ashtray to take outside. She even asked if the outdoor porch was okay (it was) or if I preferred she go all the way outside. When I was a smoker I would never have smoked in someone's house unless it was a fellow smoker who I knew was okay with it.

 

Dogs (or other pets) - I can't imagine someone who would spring their dog on us when coming to visit. Everyone I know with a dog would ask first, even though they know we're dog lovers. We used to travel with our dog and would have never done that to anyone. If it was someone we knew didn't really care for dogs but would probably say yes just to be polite we wouldn't even ask. We would just say something like, "Hey, we're going to have Dingo with us so we booked a room at <nearby pet friendly hotel>." thereby letting them off the hook.  We both come from families of dog lovers. At holiday gatherings, no matter who was hosting, several family members (including us) would bring their dogs and a travel pack of food so no one would have to leave early to go home and feed their dog(s). And still we'd ask before bringing a dog to spend the night at each other's homes.

 

We don't have house guests who are strangers or that we don't know well. They're either family or very good friends. We know what is and isn't okay with them. They know what is and isn't okay with us. And all parties are comfortable enough to ask if there's something don't know. The whole idea of "house rules" seems foreign to me. 

Edited July 7, 2017 by Lady Florida.

[Frances]

You're tacitly condoning behavior if you choose not to speak up against it. If a guest started in on some racist, misogynist rant, would you allow them to continue or would you ask them politely to refrain from that kind of speech?

 

Allowing unmarried couples to sleep in the same bed while visiting is similar for those of us who believe in traditional Biblical morality wrt s*x.

 

So would you not even allow a gay couple into your home because the fact that they are a couple is sinful to you? Or would you welcome them and then share your biblical beliefs on homosexuality with them?

[Crimson Wife]

What if an unmarried couple wanted to bring their out of wedlock child to your house?

Would receiving the child be "tacitly condoning behavior"?

Would your traditional biblical morality require you to refuse to have the child in your home?

 

Babies are blessings regardless of the morality surrounding their conception. Children should not be punished for the mistakes of their parents.

 

I might very well choose to not invite a homewrecker who knowingly slept with a married individual into my home as a guest. Being friendly with such an individual *WOULD* be tacitly condoning the adultery.

[Crimson Wife]

So would you not even allow a gay couple into your home because the fact that they are a couple is sinful to you? Or would you welcome them and then share your biblical beliefs on homosexuality with them?

 

I most likely would not invite them to stay with us, but if I did, I would place them in separate rooms just like any other unmarried couple (regardless of their legal status under civil statutes).

 

[ktgrok]

So would you not even allow a gay couple into your home because the fact that they are a couple is sinful to you? Or would you welcome them and then share your biblical beliefs on homosexuality with them?

 

In her defense, I think she would socialize with and allow a couple in her home that breaks her view of biblical rules, but not allow them to actively break them in her house. 

 

Same with having a person over who eats pork when it is against your dietary rules. They can come over, but not eat bacon in your house. Unmarried couple can come over, but not have sex in your house. Pot smoker can come over, but not smoke pot in your house. It's not my line, but it's a logical one. 

[StephanieZ]

You're tacitly condoning behavior if you choose not to speak up against it. If a guest started in on some racist, misogynist rant, would you allow them to continue or would you ask them politely to refrain from that kind of speech?

 

Allowing unmarried couples to sleep in the same bed while visiting is similar for those of us who believe in traditional Biblical morality wrt s*x.

 

 

 

I wasn't aware of any Biblical teaching that required a believer to impose their views on unmarried sex on others. 

 

I wouldn't be friends with someone who made racist, misogynist, homophobic or similar rants. I wouldn't have them in my home, period. 

 

Do you similarly impose your beliefs on someone who'd overeat in your home? Would you take away their dinner plates after their second serving? Refuse their request for a second or third helping of dessert? Confiscate their bags of candy?

 

Do you similarly impose your beliefs on someone who doesn't choose to go to any church, let alone your church, on Sunday when they are visiting you? Or at all? I'd guess that you're sane enough not to insist that your houseguests pray with you, go to church with you, or otherwise practice your religion. 

 

I impose my religious and moral beliefs on myself, not others. If others have beliefs I find reprehensible, I don't associate with them, period. 

 

 

Furthermore, it is none of my business what others do in the privacy of their bedrooms, whether that bedroom is in a hotel, their own home, or my home. I would not want others to police my sex life, and I'm not about to police others sex life. Nor do I police whether they eat 2 pounds of Reese's cups in their cars, bedrooms, or my own home. Their body, their choice, their life. Not my circus, not my monkeys. I encourage you to consider this concept, and just disengage your mind from regulating others' morality/religion.

[HS Mom in NC]

Are people with a strict no shoes policies aware of plantar faciitis issues?  There are plenty of people diagnosed with it whose doctors tell them to never, ever go without built in arch support when they walk because it's brutal pain. They're told not to even get up in the night and walk to the bathroom without arch support shoes on.  Yes, they do make slippers for that but they're very expensive, so you'll probably not have those on hand for guests. If they don't know about your policy and don't have theirs with them, you should understand you're expecting them to be in serious pain at your house if you want their shoes off.

And what about people with chronic, severe foot odor?  Do you have a towel and place for them to wash their feet when they get to your house?  It's really hot here.  Wearing shoes for any length of time makes people's feet sweaty.

[Laurie4b]

We have friends with a strict no shoes in the house policy. They buy slippers in bulk and keep them in a chest by the door, available to anyone who wants them. The wife is an infectious diseases specialist, and will happily share germ horror stories. They don't have any rugs/carpets either.

 

I think wearing slippers that others have worn is super gross. I know there are certain cultures where it's the norm, so for them I can anticipate and bring my own. For other people, I'd appreciate advance notice. 

[Cindy in FL.]

It wouldn't be a problem for me, even though I believe sex should be within marriage. I wouldn't view that child any differently than any other child. I think the difference for some people would be the actual committing of the acts in their home that they believe to be sinful. Being alive doesn't constitute sin in my book!

 

What if an unmarried couple wanted to bring their out of wedlock child to your house?

Would receiving the child be "tacitly condoning behavior"?

Would your traditional biblical morality require you to refuse to have the child in your home?

[Cindy in FL.]

I really don't think that having rules for behavior within your own home is regulating others morality or religion. And, yes, i think there is a Biblical basis for "me and my household" which would incorporate those staying in my home. I would not make someone attend my church. I would not police someone's eating habits (I don't know anything about their dietary needs or medical history), but I wouldn't allow unmarried couples to sleep together. Too bad. I also wouldn't go to someone else's home and expect them to go against their beliefs. I would be the one to moderate my behavior while a guest in their home and I wouldn't think badly of them because of it.

 

I wasn't aware of any Biblical teaching that required a believer to impose their views on unmarried sex on others.

 

I wouldn't be friends with someone who made racist, misogynist, homophobic or similar rants. I wouldn't have them in my home, period.

 

Do you similarly impose your beliefs on someone who'd overeat in your home? Would you take away their dinner plates after their second serving? Refuse their request for a second or third helping of dessert? Confiscate their bags of candy?

 

Do you similarly impose your beliefs on someone who doesn't choose to go to any church, let alone your church, on Sunday when they are visiting you? Or at all? I'd guess that you're sane enough not to insist that your houseguests pray with you, go to church with you, or otherwise practice your religion.

 

I impose my religious and moral beliefs on myself, not others. If others have beliefs I find reprehensible, I don't associate with them, period.

 

 

Furthermore, it is none of my business what others do in the privacy of their bedrooms, whether that bedroom is in a hotel, their own home, or my home. I would not want others to police my sex life, and I'm not about to police others sex life. Nor do I police whether they eat 2 pounds of Reese's cups in their cars, bedrooms, or my own home. Their body, their choice, their life. Not my circus, not my monkeys. I encourage you to consider this concept, and just disengage your mind from regulating others' morality/religion.

Edited July 7, 2017 by Cindy in FL.

[StephanieZ]

 

And your comment about the poster being "sane enough" not to insist they practice her religion is downright rude and uncalled for.

 

 

And, here, I'd thought that line was an acknowledgement that the poster was a reasonable person who wouldn't require guests to practice their hosts' religion (per my clear examples of praying and church attendance). I've seen enough of that poster's posts over the years to believe/expect that she's a reasonable and sane person who would not require those sorts of clearly religious acts from her guests. 

 

You're taking it out of context and inappropriately turning it into an insult. It was not intended as such. That is rude and uncalled for.

[Valley Girl]

In her defense, I think she would socialize with and allow a couple in her home that breaks her view of biblical rules, but not allow them to actively break them in her house. 

 

Same with having a person over who eats pork when it is against your dietary rules. They can come over, but not eat bacon in your house. Unmarried couple can come over, but not have sex in your house. Pot smoker can come over, but not smoke pot in your house. It's not my line, but it's a logical one. 

 

What you wrote says it well. I may or may not have the same "rules" as Crimson Wife, but the inevitable grilling and pile-on that happens when someone says they don't want unmarried people sleeping together while under the homeowner's roof--especially when that reason has a religious basis--is getting pretty tiresome. People have the right to determine what standards apply in their own dwelling whether the "general you" approves of it or not. Non-residents have every right to say, "No thanks, that's not for me." I'm pretty sure that if CW were to stay with the cohabitating unmarried couple, she would not attempt to dictate their sleeping arrangements in their home. Mutual respect.

[Tangerine]

I think I may never visit, nor invite anyone to visit ever again.  I don't think I could remotely anticipate all the things I'm expected to.

[Cindy in FL.]

Maybe it doesn't come across to everyone the way you intended. I am willing to accept your explanation of the comment, though, and will edit my post. I apologize for any offense to you.

 

I probably wouldn't go so far as to consider someone insane if they were trying to insist a houseguest pray or go to church with them. Over zealous, misguided, pushy, inappropriate, trying to assume the role of the Holy Spirit in someone else's life? Yep.

 

And, here, I'd thought that line was an acknowledgement that the poster was a reasonable person who wouldn't require guests to practice their hosts' religion (per my clear examples of praying and church attendance). I've seen enough of that poster's posts over the years to believe/expect that she's a reasonable and sane person who would not require those sorts of clearly religious acts from her guests.

 

You're taking it out of context and inappropriately turning it into an insult. It was not intended as such. That is rude and uncalled for.

Edited July 7, 2017 by Cindy in FL.

[Carol in Cal.]

Are people with a strict no shoes policies aware of plantar faciitis issues?  There are plenty of people diagnosed with it whose doctors tell them to never, ever go without built in arch support when they walk because it's brutal pain. They're told not to even get up in the night and walk to the bathroom without arch support shoes on.  Yes, they do make slippers for that but they're very expensive, so you'll probably not have those on hand for guests. If they don't know about your policy and don't have theirs with them, you should understand you're expecting them to be in serious pain at your house if you want their shoes off.

 

 

I had a friend who enforced this, and it WAS brutal at the time because of my PF.  

But she had a nice yard and I mostly stayed outside when I was there.  And I wore Fit Flops or Danskin sandals so that I could easily get them back on whenever I went out the door.  It made me see the 'no shoes in the house' thing differently, for sure.