12yo independence issue

[musicianmom]

Would you let your 12yo walk from the hotel lobby back to the room by themselves?

Edited May 21, 2022 by musicianmom

[regentrude]

Unless it was a crazy crowded - think convention - maze like hotel, I would have let my 12 y/o go back to the room.

 

At 12, my DD used public transit across a city to get herself to school, visit friends, do stuff. That s the age appropriate expectation in my home country where 6 year olds are deemed capable of walking themselves for 20 minutes to and from the neighborhood school.

Edited July 2, 2017 by regentrude

[Heatherwith4]

Yes

[Anne in CA]

I would have. I think that is pretty reasonable. The worst thing that could happen would be she gets lost in the hotel for a bit. Not the end of the world.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

I would and have let my DD11 (almost 12) do this. She's independent and street smart, and I felt fine with it. In fact, when she was 9 we were on a cruise, and we let her have similar freedom because she had her own room key. She bikes to the local pizzeria and convenience store to get herself snacks, she stays home alone (as long as DH or I are within 20-30 minutes drive), etc. Then again, she's our youngest, so my answer might have been different with our oldest at that age? I don't think so, though. 

 

:grouphug:  It can be hard to draw lines for this kind of stuff. I was dramatically UNDER-sheltered, so it'can be hard for me to know as well!

[Caroline]

I did that yesterday with my 12 year old dd. I also let her go get ice by herself this morning.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I would have allowed it.  But then it's not the end of the world that you didn't.  Sometimes a situation just does not feel right.  Is she your oldest?  I find that it takes me longer to let my older kid do stuff because I'm unsure.

 

 

 

 

[MEmama]

At 11, DS flew to Florida on his own. He got himself to and from sports and had free reign to go downtown by himself. Now, he gets himself to and from his volunteer gigs, his job, friends houses, goes mountain biking on his own...basically anything that doesn't require a car.

 

At 12 we left him alone in hotel rooms and apartments in Europe when he needed a break. I didn't think anything of it.

[SparklyUnicorn]

 

 

:grouphug:  It can be hard to draw lines for this kind of stuff. I was dramatically UNDER-sheltered, so it'can be hard for me to know as well!

 

Same here!  I think I've gone in the opposite direction in part because I felt like nobody looked out for me.

[Guinevere]

I wouldn't have left her. I don't like to leave ME alone in hotels.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Same here!  I think I've gone in the opposite direction in part because I felt like nobody looked out for me.

 

It's funny, I look back on my childhood and I'm thankful for it because it made me fearless and independent. But when I really think about some of the things I did from a parent's perspective, I realize how easily it could have all gone sideways!

 

When I was 8ish, I decided that I was going to get up at 6:30 in the morning before school and jog. Except that we lived in a not-so-great little town, and I decided the best place to jog was the local train tracks, which were only a block or so from our apartment, but they were also high up on a hill, so they were very quiet and remote and couldn't be seen from the houses or streets, really. I'd get up in the gray light of dawn, slip out of the apartment, go run for a half hour or so, and then slip back in without waking my parents. I did it for at least a month! My running speed improved greatly, I thought I was being very conscious of my health, and my parents never knew a thing about it. Can you believe it? That's like an episode of CSI waiting to happen  :svengo:

Edited July 2, 2017 by ILiveInFlipFlops

[freesia]

I have. My present 12 year old had trouble finding his way back, but I still did bc I felt it was good for him to work through figuring it out and an easy was to practice independence.

 

I, also, grew up in a city, walking to school mile from seven on and taking buses and subways from twelve on. It kills me my kids don't have lots of these opportunities.

 

But, I agree, that it is not a huge deal.

[SparklyUnicorn]

It's funny, I look back on my childhood and I'm thankful for it because it made me fearless and independent. But when I really think about some of the things I did from a parent's perspective, I realize how easily it could have all gone sideways!

 

When I was 8ish, I decided that I was going to get up at 6:30 in the morning before school and jog. Except that we lived in a not-so-great little town, and I decided the best place to jog was the local train tracks, which were only a block or so from our apartment, but they were also high up on a hill, so they were very quiet and remote and couldn't be seen from the houses or streets, really. I'd get up in the gray light of dawn, slip out of the apartment, go run for a half hour or so, and then slip back in without waking my parents. I did it for at least a month! My running speed improved greatly, I thought I was being very conscious of my health, and my parents never knew a thing about it. Can you believe it? That's like an episode of CSI waiting to happen  :svengo:

 

I did similar things.  And it's true I was very independent. 

 

My kids are complete opposites in this department.  My older kid once walked out of a dance studio (he was 4), down the street and called me on a payphone to let me know he forgot to put on his tights.  I had never seen him even make a phone call let alone do something nutty like that (I wasn't aware he knew our phone number either).  People were supposed to be watching him at the studio too!  My younger kid probably wouldn't do such a thing now, and he's 12! 

Edited July 2, 2017 by SparklyUnicorn

[Tanaqui]

I actually might not, because I'm big on "we don't just sit down at a table to stuff our mouths, we do it to be together and socialize". I think it's really impolite to just get up and dash simply because your plate is empty now.

 

However, that has nothing to do with safety. In another situation, I'd be happy to let her return to the hotel room alone, and stay there or come back.

 

Here where we live, school bus service ends after the 6th grade. All students are expected to be able to travel on city buses and subways from that point on. (And many of them start doing that in the 6th grade or earlier, if they go to a school far away from home.) When my kids hit that age, they were authorized to travel wherever they like so long as they can do it on a Metrocard and let me know in advance. A hotel room? I wouldn't even blink.

[Guest]

At 12, they could go almost anywhere in a group, but no 'hanging out' in parking lots or stores. No skateboarding, as they refused to obey the rules when with friends and no adult supervision. The mall here does not allow under18s without adult supervision. No going by yourself hiking, biking, or in areas where jobless young adults congregate. No problem at hotel going to room by themselves or to/from vehicle.

[PeppermintPattie]

If my gut said no, I would not have let her go back to the room alone. (And I know my gut would have said no.) Besides, having to wait a bit is good for her character. :)

[Elizabeth86]

Dh and I go back and forth on this. My parents hovered over me until I left home and honestly still do, so I hover too. Dh was left to fend for himself in all areas of life from super early, so he finds my hovering over the top. I wouldnt have let her go, but my dh might disagree

[Catwoman]

I would have allowed it. But then it's not the end of the world that you didn't. Sometimes a situation just does not feel right. Is she your oldest? I find that it takes me longer to let my older kid do stuff because I'm unsure.

I'm a big believer in going with your gut. If you have doubts, say no. It's not going to hurt her to stay with the family.

 

We travel a lot, and when my ds was younger, sometimes I would say yes to something like that and other times I wouldn't feel comfortable with it. I didn't make it into a big deal, though, or act like danger was lurking around every corner -- I just said no, and that we would all go back to the room together.

 

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer to questions like this, because our kids' maturity levels can vary so much at that age, and also because one hotel or location can be so different from another one in terms of general safety and security. I think we need to trust ourselves enough to make whatever decision we think is best for our own families and not worry about the fact that other people might do things differently.

[Laurie4b]

I allowed a lot of independence early, but whether or not I would have allowed that would depend on the hotel and how many people were in the halls. If the halls had a number of people coming and going at that time of day, I would be okay with it. Empty halls? No witnesses? No. If I as an adult woman was alone in the hall, I'd have my radar up. 

 

 

[kroe1]

Another vote for "no" unless she was in dire need of a poop.

[nixpix5]

I'm a big believer in going with your gut. If you have doubts, say no. It's not going to hurt her to stay with the family.

 

We travel a lot, and when my ds was younger, sometimes I would say yes to something like that and other times I wouldn't feel comfortable with it. I didn't make it into a big deal, though, or act like danger was lurking around every corner -- I just said no, and that we would all go back to the room together.

 

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer to questions like this, because our kids' maturity levels can vary so much at that age, and also because one hotel or location can be so different from another one in terms of general safety and security. I think we need to trust ourselves enough to make whatever decision we think is best for our own families and not worry about the fact that other people might do things differently.

I like this.

 

 

For me it has always been "it depends". My son took public transportation to his school every morning and had a bus transfer as well starting at 13. It may sound double standard but I cannot say I would allow my daughter to do that. I do think stakes are higher for girls than boys so I feel a bit more protective and sheltering with her. Since she is only 7 I cannot say how I would handle that until we get there. I too was under protected so maybe that has something to do with it.

[Bootsie]

I let my children do this when they were younger than 12.  I would have had to have a very specific concern about something to not allow it. 

[alisoncooks]

I'm in the "probably not" camp. Maybe, if the room was just down the hall (same floor) as the breakfast area. But the hotel we most often stay in is in a sketchy area, and we mostly stay on the 2nd floor. I won't let the kids go anywhere without me in that situation.

 

That said, I let the kids run free at the Great Wolf Lodge (playing MagiQuest). I don't feel unsafe doing that there (everything is so open/visible and busy) so I'd probably feel fine if she needed to run to the room from the lobby.

[Word Nerd]

I've let my 11YO do that before, but it would depend on the hotel location, etc.

[KungFuPanda]

I would have let her go. Only six years out from adulthood, walking from one room to another in the same building doesn't seem remotely risky or age-inappropriate. Independence is a gradual process and you don't want to wait too long to loosen the reigns.

[winterbaby]

I grew up very free range and unsheltered - and being constantly, no joke CONSTANTLY, pursued and harassed by creepy men and boys, including several I'm confident meant serious harm (such as a pimp/trafficker who mistook my dad's repeated tardiness in picking me up at an inner city location where I had an activity for me having no one to look after me). My parents heard about maybe 1% of it. I'm raising my child in a very different place, but those experiences still inform my instincts and I make no apology for it.

 

That said in situations like the OP that's a gut instinct judgment call with no absolute right or wrong.

[Sneezyone]

We stayed in a military hotel last winter (DD was newly 12, DS 9) and my kids had their own room across the hall. They routinely left the dinner table before DH and I to head back to their room (which was explicitly allowed by the hotel) to play video games or listen to music. They made some hilarious videos with kids they met at the hotel. We are very big travellers and my kids have lots of experience tho. This is totally normal in mil-communities.

 

There are military guidelines and we tend to follow them. Rising 7th graders, age 12+, gain access to teen centers and more freedom. They can stay home alone for a few hrs, babysit others (not just sibs), etc. DD has her own identification card, dumb phone and bike. On her 13th birthday, she gets her own debit card too and can access her funds at the bank on base. These days, DH takes her with him in the morning a couple days/week where she meets up with same-age friends whose parents are doing likewise. The kids hit the base bowling alley, teen center, gym, food stores and mini marts, etc. and fritter away the whole stinking day. DH doesn't see her again until 5. She's having a flipping blast! It's rare anymore for kids to get these experiences but I know she'll be well-prepared when it's time to leave our nest in five incredibly short years.

 

ETA: Here's a link to the guidelines most bases use. You can always be more conservative. https://www.army.mil/e2/c/downloads/404075.pdf

Edited July 2, 2017 by Sneezyone

[Dmmetler]

I've let my DD do it, but check hotel rules. Some require all kids below 16 or even 18 be supervised by an adult. We've especially run into the at conference or convention center hotels (and ones affiliated with casinos. My DD once asked directions in a hotel restaurant to the rest rooms, which were just a small distance down the hall, in the non-gaming part of the building, and still got escorted back by security because state gaming laws do not allow unaccompanied minors in any part of a casino, and even if you're on a different floor or in a different tower, it still counts. Apparently even the restaurant staff were unaware of that rule). Usually there are minimum ages for fitness centers and pools, too.

Edited July 2, 2017 by dmmetler

[Meriwether]

At 12 it would probably depend on the kid and the hotel. I'd let younger kids go if they were together. Or mature. Or big for their age. A 12 year old immature, petite kid by themselves? Probably not. My current 12 year old who isn't very big and has an average maturity level would be allowed to go with his younger brother for company but maybe not by himself.

[Pink and Green Mom]

We were just on a 6000 passenger cruise ship.  We let our 12 y.o. come and go from his room as he pleased.  We would text him with things like "we are at XYZ restaurant on the 5th floor getting coffee" and let him come meet us.  My parents were with us and my mother (who is usually quite reasonable) was appalled that I would allow him to do that. 

[Ottakee]

I would unless the hotel was sketchy.

 

As others said in 6 years adulthood and total freedom is on the horizon. Better to start loosening the reins now.

 

I have seen so many college students that have had such helicopter parents that once they get to college they go wild. They don't know how to handle the freedom and responsibilities.

[Rachel]

It depends on the hotel and where our room was but we spent 10 of the past 21 days in a hotel. I let both my 7 and 9 year old go to the front desk on their own and up to the room on their own. In all cases they were unattended for 15 minutes or less.

 

We did stay at one hotel where bus loads of tourists were staying, I would not have been comfortable with my kids wandering the hotel alone in that situation.

 

When my son was 6 we were in Nashville. I was sick, had a puking 4 year old, and a sleeping baby. I sent the 6 year old for something (ice maybe) and he forgot which room we were in. He figured out on his own to go to the front desk and ask for help.

[Rachel]

I want to add that I know some 12 year olds who absolutely aren't ready for that. You know your child.

[EmilyGF]

My 12 year old rides the bus alone in a big city. I might have the kid tell me the way, but unless I suspected trouble from the kid, I would let the kid go. If I were nervous, I might give a time frame for getting back.

Emily

[bettyandbob]

I would have let my 12 yo do that. I also would have left a 12+yo asleep in the room while I took younger sibs to eat breakfast and returned with food for the dc that had been sleeping.

[GreenKitty]

I wouldn't have. Good way for them to learn patience. ;)

 

Only you know your child and whatever decision you made be fine with it.

[Katy]

I probably wouldn't have worried about it, but if you have a tendency to be too strict, you could go with the public school guideline:  8th grade is when a lot of schools have an overnight trip to Washington, DC.  Kids are given hotel rooms to share and their own keys.  That's age 13 or 14.

[HeWillSoar]

I grew up very free range and unsheltered - and being constantly, no joke CONSTANTLY, pursued and harassed by creepy men and boys, including several I'm confident meant serious harm (such as a pimp/trafficker who mistook my dad's repeated tardiness in picking me up at an inner city location where I had an activity for me having no one to look after me). My parents heard about maybe 1% of it. I'm raising my child in a very different place, but those experiences still inform my instincts and I make no apology for it.

 

That said in situations like the OP that's a gut instinct judgment call with no absolute right or wrong.

 

This was me as well, hence the reason I've always been protective of my kids.  Even so, they have eased into independence and are functioning just fine.   My 18 year old is living at home, will be attending college and really has his own life separate from the family.  There isn't this magic age that you have to let them do something by or it will never happen.  A friend of mine, who is way more free range, was talking about leaving her kids overnight and she said, "You have to let them do it sometime."  Sure, but that doesn't have to be a specific age or it's never going to happen.

Edited July 2, 2017 by HeWillSoar

[Junie]

Unless it was a crazy crowded - think convention - maze like hotel, I would have let my 12 y/o go back to the room.

 

At 12, my DD used public transit across a city to get herself to school, visit friends, do stuff. That s the age appropriate expectation in my home country where 6 year olds are deemed capable of walking themselves for 20 minutes to and from the neighborhood school.

 

I actually have the opposite viewpoint of this.  I would be more likely to let a 12 year old go back to the room if was crowded with a lot of people than if it was empty.  

 

I tend toward helicopter parenting, so I usually make my kids go in groups.  

 

 

ETA:  I'm not saying that regentrude is wrong; I'm just saying that we all have things that we do differently.

Edited July 2, 2017 by Junie

[MommyLiberty5013]

A big fat nope. Hallways full of people I don't know behind locking doors with beds. Yep. Bad combination.

 

I may be in the minority on this but I feel very strongly that minor age children should not be permitted to walk hotel/motel hallways alone. I think there is too much sexual addiction of all flavors about the world now, and a lone child or teen could be too much of a temptation for some person. It would not take much to grab a child and pull him/her behind a self-locking door. Also, A LOT of illicit sex activity goes on at hotels/motels. It would not take too much for someone in the "business" to coerce, coax or outright grab a child/teen.

 

A life could be ruined by one 15 minute extra freedom given to a child by a parent. It isn't worth the risk IMHO.

 

 

 

[catz]

Day time hours at a typical family friendly hotel?  Sure. 

 

ETA - I have a dd that just turned 13.  She has looked older for the last stretch too - more like an older teen.  More importantly, she is super confident and would have no problem screaming bloody murder or reporting an issue.  Anyway, I have allowed this multiple times in her case in the past 6 months. 

Edited July 2, 2017 by WoolySocks

[foxbridgeacademy]

No, I wouldn't but not because of her age but because she'd be alone.  It always comes back to safety in numbers.  If there were an accident then the other kid could run for help.  If they got lost then there's 2 of them and they are better together.  If there were a predator type person then they are unlikely to attack and if they did the other kid could run for help (we went over that, leaving a sibling behind because staying will only get both kids hurt). 

[christusg01]

I try to follow my instincts on things like this. Some places I would have said yes, some places no. Last month we went to a large hotel/convention center a few weeks after oldest DD turned 13. I did let her go back and forth from the room to the convention hall quite a few times. She had a phone, the route was pretty direct, etc. Some places I will feel less comfortable and say no. I don't let her wander around stores alone....too many news stories of abductions.

[SebastianCat]

I let my DD, who just turned 13, do this exact thing when we were on vacation in D.C. in May.   Granted, I could see her from the breakfast area because the hallways to the rooms overlooked the hotel atrium where breakfast was being served.   

 

In general, I am more cautious in allowing my DD to do things on her own than I am with my DS (who just turned 15) because he's physically stronger and less likely to be a target.  I totally trust my DD and know I need to allow her more space to do things on her own, but my tendency is to do this in areas where she's more likely to be around other people.   My "mom radar" goes up when I think about DD walking down empty hotel hallways, getting into elevators, or going into stairwells by herself.   When she's with a friend, I give her lots of space.

[MommyLiberty5013]

No, I wouldn't but not because of her age but because she'd be alone.  It always comes back to safety in numbers.  If there were an accident then the other kid could run for help.  If they got lost then there's 2 of them and they are better together.  If there were a predator type person then they are unlikely to attack and if they did the other kid could run for help (we went over that, leaving a sibling behind because staying will only get both kids hurt). 

 

This x 100. The alone versus safety in numbers thing.

 

It takes very little for a person to grab and pull anyone just a few feet into a bedroom AKA hotel room. We are not talking about a huge open space with areas to run in a hotel hallway. Most people can be overtaken very easily, especially when they are surprised.

 

Not worth the risk.

[MaeFlowers]

I let my ds who is 12 do that. I let him at 11, too. He's a pretty responsible kiddo so I'm pretty free range with him.

 

That being said, I wouldnt consider someone a helicopter parent if they didn't allow it. To each their own.

[MistyMountain]

I would allow it even younger then 12 for breakfast but not for dinner which I treat more as a family meal.

Edited July 2, 2017 by MistyMountain

[ChocolateReignRemix]

A big fat nope. Hallways full of people I don't know behind locking doors with beds. Yep. Bad combination.

 

I may be in the minority on this but I feel very strongly that minor age children should not be permitted to walk hotel/motel hallways alone. I think there is too much sexual addiction of all flavors about the world now, and a lone child or teen could be too much of a temptation for some person. It would not take much to grab a child and pull him/her behind a self-locking door. Also, A LOT of illicit sex activity goes on at hotels/motels. It would not take too much for someone in the "business" to coerce, coax or outright grab a child/teen.

 

A life could be ruined by one 15 minute extra freedom given to a child by a parent. It isn't worth the risk IMHO.

Except from a criminal standpoint, a location with numerous security cameras and a record of your ID would be one of the worst places to commit a crime that involves snatching a child.

[gstharr]

Well yes, and no.  The issue came up last week when I was dropping the 12 y.o. off for his summer program.  The summer program conveniently  happened to be in city where I had  a business meeting.  I left for the meeting before he woke. I called him to go downstairs for the hotel's  free breakfast.  Told him to keep talking to me on the cell phone until he reached the restaurant, and then to call me before he returned to room.  I made sure he arrived safely both ways.  NO, I would not otherwise allow him to roam a hotel alone.  So simple to snatch a child into a stairwell or room.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

A few months ago my kids and I went to a resort with an indoor water park. They're 12 and 16 and were pretty much on their own all day. It was great. So yes, my 12yo went back and forth to the room often on his own.