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Asking for prayers today.

dirty ethel rackham

By dirty ethel rackham,
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dirty ethel rackham

dirty ethel rackham

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I am asking for prayers as I am fighting back tears. Today, my niece is getting married. This is the one who only invited some of her aunts and uncles, but not me.

 

This was a difficult Christmas as I am still adjusting to the change in my family since my mom died 3 years ago - December 2, 2009. Up until then, I had spent every Christmas Eve with my side of the family - my mom, usually 4 of my 5 siblings, nieces and nephews, etc. It was always a boisterous good time, filled with love, joy, a little bit of family drama, but the biggest thing was a sense of belonging. I looked forward to it every year, despite some of the over-imbibing that would go on, despite my need for introvert cave for several days afterwards. Mom was the glue that held all of this together. I had a sense that things were going to change after she died, but I had no idea how much. That Christmas 3 years ago was the last Christmas eve that I spent with my family - the last one where I saw any of my family for the holidays. The following year, my brother who lives 5 hours away, decided to host Christmas Eve. We couldn't go because my FIL didn't have any place to go for Christmas and we didn't want to leave him. He is in his mid 80s and we never know if it will be his last. So, we stayed home. Last year, my sister hosted Christmas at her home 10 hours away. We couldn't go for Christmas for the same reasons, but we planned on going the day after Christmas. We worked out our plans to travel with the dog (my one brother always brings his dogs and we did ask and they said OK), we planned food, etc. The night before we were supposed to leave, we were uninvited because my sister was too tired from hosting Christmas (translation, she was too hung over.) I was very hurt and sad.

 

When I had my son's graduation party last June, only one sibling showed up, even though there were others were close enough to come. Nobody else called or sent a card. I was crushed for him, but kept up a good face for him so as not to spoil the day. I can't tell you how many graduation parties I went to for my nieces and nephews. It made me sad that my siblings decided that these things were unimportant once their own kids passed these milestones.

 

Last spring, my brother announced his daughter's engagement and we were all thrilled. We were in the midst of making plans to attend the wedding - my one sister was in the process of making hotel reservations for all of us, I was just about to click the button to get my plane tickets. Then we found out that some of us were not invited. Her reasoning was she only invited the aunts and uncles she was still in contact with - meaning those she chose to friend on facebook because she was friends with those cousins (and she was supposedly closer to them.) Never mind the fact that she ignored my facebook friend requests and address requests - that I had gone to everyone of her birthday parties, recitals, graduation parties, etc. So, most of my family went out of town for this wedding, so I didn't see them again this Christmas. I saw facebook posts of them having fun together. They didn't even call - something they have always done for any siblings who weren't with them for our get-together.

 

Well, I have tried to put a better face on Christmas by choosing to do things with close friends and enjoying my husband's family. One of my long-time homeschooling friends has, for the last 10 years, organized a bunch of us to go Christmas caroling at a local nursing home on Christmas eve morning and hosted an open house afterwards. We have looked forward to it every year and I usually work hard to help her with this. I consider this group my "chosen" family. This year, due to some issues in her own family, she couldn't host her open house afterwards. We were disappointed, but understood. I had thought of hosting it myself, but, after being off of thyroid meds for 2 months and my SAD, I knew I would not be able to pull it off. It really hit me hard. My head tells me that I should be making new traditions and doing more to help others, but, it is really hard when I have so little energy (even though I have been back on meds for a couple of weeks.)

 

So, this was my longwinded way of saying that I am really lonely this Christmas - that I am missing family and friends. As I saw many facebook posts from other nieces and nephews about today's wedding, it really hit me how disconnected I feel. I feel so marginalized and unimportant. I just ask for your prayers as I adjust to this new reality and as I try to figure out how to make things better.

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readinmom

readinmom

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Praying for you... I am so sorry that this happening in your life right now. It stings most at the holidays, doesn't it? We had a similar situation after my dad died. Only my sister and I are still close. The others are upset that we have a close relationship with our mom. They are the ones that chose to move far away, to not call, but always feel they have been cheated out of something. My oldest sister had the gall to e-mail me a few months ago saying that I had stole her inheritance and God basically "had plans for me".

 

I am trying to make my own memories with my own children right now. It's hard, but we get through it. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone! Wishing you a joyous day today, and many blessing in the coming new year.

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Cassy

Cassy

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:grouphug: That's really hard, I'm so sorry you've been treated so shabbily.

 

I've also been feeling lonely. The last of 'my' family, my mother's brother, died at the end of November, and somehow having all of DH's family here just made me feel more alone and lonely.

 

But, yes, I do think that creating new traditions is the right thing to do. I hope your broken heart heals, and that your health and energy returns. There will be many more Christmases with your family, and before long son- and daughters- in law, and grandchildren. I do think that families are constantly evolving, moving on as people pass on and children grow into adults; sometimes it hurts, sometimes it's helpful to realise how precious the family we still have are to us.

 

You will be in my thoughts and close to my heart; it's a difficult time of year to struggle with feelings of loss.

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CyndiLJ

CyndiLJ

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I understand and have been in a similar position of having to make new traditions, of feeling as if I am the outsider, etc. It is a hard, hard adjustment. Congratulations to you for recognizing what you need to do to move forward in a healthy manner, even if it will take awhile to actually DO it!! Give yourself time, be intentional early next year and have no expectations of anything with your family so create family with others. It may take several years, but I echo the other comment about eventually having sons and daughter in laws, and happier holidays spent with others. It is a season in your life that is no fun to get through, but get through it is exactly what you must do. Reaching out to help others ALWAYS helps me when I am feeling lonely, left out, etc.

 

Hugs your way

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Desert Rat

Desert Rat

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It's a year of new traditions for our family, too.

Your neice was very mean to exclude you. I just have to say that.

Hugs and prayers to you. I hope you can build those new traditions and find some comfort in the people who do want you in their lives. (Easier said than done though, so extra hugs and prayers.)

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I talk to the trees

I talk to the trees

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:grouphug: I know it's a small comfort, since the Hive is your "imaginary" group of friends, but you're NOT unimportant here- you're VERY important! I always enjoy your posts, and your pirate name always makes me grin. :grouphug: (And I totally understand where you're coming from! My extended family- cousins, not siblings, since I'm an only- has been slowly flaking out in the past few years. Sometimes I'm actually glad we live so far away, since it keeps me from being pulled into the drama!)

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dirty ethel rackham

dirty ethel rackham

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Thank you for all your prayers and good thoughts. Today is a much better day. I was even able to see pics on facebook without feeling any ill will toward anyone. Hubby was very understanding and supportive, despite his own family issues (a sister who all of the sudden stopped coming to family events and is barely speaking to any of us and we don't know why.) I have always struggled with feeling a little out of the loop with my own family. That on top of feeling a disconnect with many of my long-time friends and not having any "couples friends" with my husband - I feel pretty isolated. I am making my husband come to a get together of some of my climbing friends tonight just to get out of the housel

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KrissiK

KrissiK

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:grouphug: I know it's a small comfort, since the Hive is your "imaginary" group of friends, but you're NOT unimportant here- you're VERY important! I always enjoy your posts, and your pirate name always makes me grin. :grouphug: (And I totally understand where you're coming from! My extended family- cousins, not siblings, since I'm an only- has been slowly flaking out in the past few years. Sometimes I'm actually glad we live so far away, since it keeps me from being pulled into the drama!)

 

I agree, and I have to say that your pirate name is the best. I love good names.

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