What do you tell your kids about future holidays? (Hosting/traveling/etc)

[fairfarmhand]

We’ve had so many threads about holiday dread over the years on this board. What do you tell your teen/adult kids about your expectations for the holidays once they’re grown?

i tell them that I will strive to be low maintenance and I’ll be glad to see them around the holidays but not necessarily on a particular day. And I hope they can enjoy their own little families a lot at the holidays. 
 

when the kids were small there was a lot of pressure to go and see people and stay for days and have big gatherings when really all I wanted was to be home with my little kids. ( we lived at least 2 hours from all family)

currently I host at least 2 holidays per year which is fine. I’d rather host than drive to see people. I would prefer to clean my whole house, prep for overnight guests, cook a meal for 20 and clean up the mess than be away from my home on the holidays! 
 

but I don’t want my kids to feel any of that kind of pressure, whether to host or to go. I also plan on being the grandparents who are so sweet that everyone loves to visit them.

[freesia]

I have really valued that my whole family got together twice a year. I would love that to happen with my kids. I won’t be difficult, but I would love one of those times to be a holiday. 

[Grace Hopper]

I’m with you on the no pressure. Because my kids really do like to get together for holidays, we alternate with their in-laws, our kids know that we have them for Christmas on the odd years and Thanksgiving on the even years (so in ‘22, they’ll be invited here for Thanksgiving Day/weekend). On the even years, we still do a family Christmas gathering, but we schedule it on a day everyone is available, not Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. So far this has worked for us. 
 

But it’s always an invitation, not an obligation! DH and I have made it very clear that we are flexible and won’t have our feelings hurt if they don’t see us on exact days. We spent too many of our holidays watching couples in our extended family try to see every relative on those one or two days a year, they didn’t get quality relaxed time with anyone. We tell our kids, pick where you’re spending the holiday then be 100% there! There are 365 days in a year, no reason to get hurt feelings if they can’t make it on any one. We love love love being with them, but they work hard and have limited vacation time and we will not make demands about how they choose to spend it. 
 

Lol guess I feel pretty strongly about that. 

[Clarita]

Nothing. I grew up with ever changing holiday traditions (including which holidays are celebrated). A couple years we would do something special then later that plan no longer works then we would just do something else. We just demonstrate the openness to talk about what we want and what we don't like and allow those in our families to also chose the path they want.

Our only big deal is we don't want holidays and family get togethers to be all about presents in anyway. So my husband and I don't get presents for the kids. We communicated our desire for our kids not to get presents to the grandparents and the grandparents communicated back "No we'd really like to do presents." So grandparents get the kids presents, but there is a lot of communication between the adults and children over what the presents are. Children area asked what they might like with no guarantees and presents get vetted. 

[teachermom2834]

I have made a point to tell my kids that it’s okay to change things up and that the same thing does not need to be done every single year. People in my family act like the same food on the same schedule at the same location etc is sacred and I have challenged that over the years and it has been unnecessarily dramatic. Traditions are wonderful but they are to enhance your life and bonds not to hold people hostage. 
 

I stress being flexible and giving other people grace. I have told them they are always welcome and I will always want to see them but I understand they have their own lives too. 
 

I strive to be as low maintenance as possible while being so lovely they don’t forget about me.

[forty-two]

I grew up alternating between doing three Christmases the years we traveled 1300mi to do Christmas with extended relatives (ours before we left, Dad's side on Christmas Day, and Mom's side on whichever non-Christmas-Day day everyone could come - it was so. awesome. having three Christmases as a kid, let me tell you), and doing one Christmas on Christmas Eve/Day the years we stayed home and Dad's parents came to visit us.  The idea of celebrating on whatever day you could, not just The Day, was very normal to me, and that flexibility seems pretty helpful; also, the idea of doing different things different years.  I remember wishing we could travel every year, but Mom and Dad said it was too stressful to do every year.

Dh is a pastor, and that means we have to be home for Christmas Eve/Day.  As a result, we have a pretty low-key Christmas Day with just immediate family that's really nice.  Then (coordinating around being home for church on Sundays) we travel to dh's family for a week, usually celebrating New Year's with them, and then to my folks for a week, usually celebrating Epiphany with them.  Before we moved back to the state we grew up in, we didn't have any extended family Christmas - the whole season was just a low-key 'us'.  I like what we do now - having Christmas Day to ourselves, but also visiting family. 

Like me growing up, my kids are used to not living near family, so we've never had to really negotiate competing holiday expectations (and growing up, my mom's family short-circuited problems by always doing Christmas *not* on Christmas Day, picking whatever day everyone had off).  The kids love getting to see extended family - it's a rare treat, like it was for me growing up.  IDK, I hope they continue to value it, and that when they grow up and move out, we can continue the family tradition of both visiting and being visited, celebrating whenever we can get together.

[Faith-manor]

We are low maintenance, low pressure people. So the kids know they can do whatever works best for them. I think because of that, they have a tendency to want to be home for the holidays. Well that and the home cooked food. It could be the food. The three bachelor's do cook, but not on the level that I and the grandmothers cook. Dd likes food that she has NOT had to prepare, and having the uncles - viewed as large jungle gyms and personal entertainment devices by the grandsons - around so she and hubby do not have to parent or fuss with them at the table. It is time off for them!

If we didn't have the kids, Mark and I would cook simply, snuggle up on the couch with books and movies, and enjoy quiet, down time, or maybe go somewhere tropical for the holiday and hang out on the beach. We see our offspring often enough throughout the year that are fine with not having a big, family thing.

[HomeAgain]

We've already had this discussion with ds23.

"We love you.  You and anyone else you bring are always welcome here for the holidays.  We also won't feel in the least upset if you decide to do something else.  Send us pictures!"

Our kids know that our holidays are not only flexible, but we will invent holidays if we want to celebrate something together.  We spent years traveling and don't want them to feel like they always have to come home, especially if they're farther away or doing other opportunities.

Love is love.  We can have our together time when it's convenient for all. 

[theelfqueen]

I tell them they should stay at home, make their own family traditions and invite others to come to them. I have always hated feeling obligated to go here and there. 

My oldest is and will be for the foreseeable future active duty Air Force and his wife's prints basically assume they will be the priority. 

My middle one is local and has a partner who is more or less estranged from parents... so that is an element to consider.

Youngest is still at home. 

Edited November 8, 2022 by theelfqueen

[Elizabeth86]

Idk mine are little. I’ll have to remember to put holidays in my notes. I’m literally writing down notes on annoying things to avoid when my kids have kids. My pregnancy hormones are wild and every single person is straight obnoxious when I’m pregnant and post partum. It is never my intentions to have any sort of expectations for them. I have hopes, but I never want them to feel pressured. I’m just try to enjoy all the things while they are little.

[Loowit]

My mom got a lot of pressure from dad's family to spend all the holidays with them, and as a result she tried to not pressure us at all.  The end result was me feeling for a few years after being married like she didn't want to spend the holidays with me at all.  It took a while for me to figure out it was her way of trying to be nice, and not her pushing me away.

Right now none of my kids are in a place that they have kids or a significant other to spend holidays with so it hasn't been a issue.  The biggest hurdle is DS being in the military.  We won't see him for Thanksgiving.  We might see him for Christmas.  He goes where they tell him to go.

I want my kids to know that as they move on to their future lives that they are always welcome here and we are always happy to find ways to meet up however/whenever works for them.  I don't want them to feel pressured to meet on a certain date or place, but I would like to see them if possible to most holidays.  Obviously this will be location dependent and stuff.

When my kids were little I did like the time at home and cherished that, but I also really enjoyed time with extended family.  I think that balance is important and working together and listening to what works for everyone involved.  So far my kids really want to be together for holidays, but I am sure things will shift as they move out into the world more and we will adjust as figure it out as we go.

[rebcoola]

We have talked about it. They have seen my half siblings be pulled in a million directions and heard other relatives complain.  I tell them they will always be welcome but we will never demand or pressure the presence. That it will be a holiday anytime we are together.

[Pawz4me]

We've never discussed it, but we've always been very low key about holidays since the boys got out of the little kid stage. None of us enjoys holiday (any holiday) fuss or hoopla. So I'm sure they realize that we don't much care. We see each other frequently throughout the year, and a random day spent enjoyably together means more to me than what often feels like mandatory/expected holiday stuff.

[Carrie12345]

Since I have no idea what my kids’ situations will be in the future, I haven’t really discussed it.

They do know I want large family gatherings, but we’ll have to wait and see what scheduling will look like! (Even now, ds may or may not come up for Christmas, and dd#1 is working a 24hr shift.)

I loved my FOO tradition. We’d have Thanksgiving dinner at one grandparents’ house and dessert at the other’s, then reverse for Christmas. And complete reverse the next year. All the aunts and uncles arranged the same. But we all lives in an hour or so radius.

My kids do not have that wonderful experience (or don’t remember the first few years we tried to make it work.)

[Jaybee]

Our kids are scattered, we live away too, and we have had all different scenarios. I think we told ours early on that when they could come, we'd be delighted, but not to feel pressure because we knew they would be having to work with the spouse's family as well as their own needs. So nobody puts pressure on anybody. Thanksgiving is usually just us four and local friends, though one year dd and dsil (and their dog) surprised dh and me--ds who lives here knew they were coming. Oldest dd can't come for Christmas as she is a HCW. She usually visits us at some time early in the year. Thankfully, she has local families who include her in their festivities. If we stay home, we usually have one or two who can travel to visit us. Or we go and stay with one dd/dsil, and as many as can come, do. If we are the ones who travel, sometimes we share a meal at my sister's with further extended family. It may or may not be on actual Christmas Day.

[regentrude]

We talk to our kids about their plans. If they want to come home, we'll be delighted to welcome them and their partners, but they know it is perfectly okay with us if they don't want to come and rather stay where they live, or go visit their partners' family. We made it very clear that we are not going to be "those" kinds of parents who keep score with the inlaws who had the kids come for which holiday. 

We also reserve the right to travel for holidays and perhaps not be home at all. 

last Thanksgiving, DD did not feel up to traveling, and they stayed home, and will again this year. For Christmas, they are going to be with her boyfriend's family, and she'll come some time in January. DS is still coming home for Thanksgiving; his girlfriend is from our  town too and has her parents here, so I expect they will want to come for a few more years.

But really, holidays are just a convention. If we can be together at some other time, that is fine, too. They have enough stress in their lives without any pressure to appease two families for the holidays.

[itsheresomewhere]

I grew up having to go to multiple relatives houses for each and every holiday on that day, and I hated it. So I have always told my kids they will always be welcome here along with their friends or families but it is not mandatory.  

[Emba]

I’ve not really thought about it yet, but I really like how low stress my parents are about holidays, a stark contrast to my siblings’ in-laws. I feel like my parents sometimes get the short end of the stick because they never demand a certain day or time, they just try to find a day in the vicinity of the holiday that works for all of us. So they haven’t had Thanksgiving on the actual day in years, and very few Christmases or Christmas eves. Sometimes our Christmas has been weeks after. Which like I said, I appreciate, but I feel like the other in-laws take advantage of it and never even try to give them a turn at celebrating the actual day of Thanksgiving with all of us, and they’re alone on the day. I feel like ideally everyone should take turns, which my in-laws are perfectly willing to do. 
 

i definitely feel like no one should have to go to two or three different places in one day, especially if they are any distance apart. We did that one year with kids and it was miserable.

[gardenmom5]

I haven't said anything.  dsil didn't "do" holidays, and 2dd dragged him to family thanksgiving (he had planned on going camping by himself) when they'd only been dating for three weeks.  They did come here when they lived here, and he seemed OK with it.  They invite friends.

2dd did 'tell' me they were coming this year at Christmas, so we've chatted a few times.  then dsil called wanting to make sure 2dd had *asked* if they could come.  (apparently, 1dgs asked to come.)

I've no idea what we'll do when we are unable to host.  Haven't thought that far ahead.  My mother was never big on hosting, and we took over from my grandmother shortly after dh and I were married.

 

[pinball]

I tell them to get big heads home bc I didn’t have episiotomies when I gave birth to them just to drink Harvey Wallbangers and eat cocktail wieners with just the cats.

[Rosie_0801]

When I used to host, I cooked what I liked and people showed up and left when they liked. As long as I knew which day and who was coming so I could cater to food sensitivities, it was all good.

[marbel]

I've never had a specific conversation about my expectations for holidays, but my husband and I have shared stories of holidays with our kids so they know traditions evolve and things change when someone moves away, or gets married (or otherwise partnered up), has in-laws, etc. When I was dating my husband, before we were engaged, he invited me home to meet his family over Christmas. My mother, who was going to be alone (because my brother and sister lived too far away and my mother didn't want to travel), gave me her blessing to go. Then once married, my husband and I alternated years visiting parents. When my mother died, it changed again so that we would alternate years at home and years with my husband's family. And so it has gone. So that is probably my kid's expectation - that if/when they are in a serious relationship that involves holidays, or if they move far away and can't travel at a certain time, things will change. As they should. 

One of the stories I've told is of my first Christmas alone, when all my family was together but I couldn't travel to them because of work. I remember that was the first time I made myself a really nice meal (lamb chop, roasted red potatoes with rosemary, a vegetable I don't remember) and wine. I'm sure there was some dessert involved. I played music and read and all in all, it was a lovely day, not at all lonely, and I discovered I enjoyed cooking. So they know Christmas happens lots of different ways. 

Edited November 9, 2022 by marbel

[Indigo Blue]

I can see that the holidays have meaning to our boys. One makes it a point to fly in and be with us just for Thanksgiving, for only three days. So I try to make things feel special for them. I’ll do this for as long as I can, then I’ll tell them what I can/can’t do at some point. I’ll tell them that they can visit and make the holidays however they want them to be. They know there will never be any pressure to do anything unless they choose. Making things special for them is my choice. There will never be weird pressure on any of us to be expected to do things a certain way. I agree with OP that I want to be agreeable and nice and make their memories happy. 
 

ETA: We have such a simple dinner for them. They don’t come home for a big huge dinner and fancy desserts….because there isn’t anything fancy. It’s nice but not fancy. They just like to come home. It’s just that we have fun and no one has to worry about family drama. They get to go home having had a pleasant visit. That’s what matters to me more than anything!
 

 

Edited November 9, 2022 by Indigo Blue

[Indigo Blue]

1 hour ago, itsheresomewhere said:

I grew up having to go to multiple relatives houses for each and every holiday on that day, and I hated it. So I have always told my kids they will always be welcome here along with their friends or families but it is not mandatory.  

I remember having to do this. And sometimes if plans changed, someone would be mad because they “always did Christmas Eve” , etc. Having two different visits in one day was hard. It was always so rushed. 

Edited November 9, 2022 by Indigo Blue

[itsheresomewhere]

5 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

I remember having to do this. And sometimes if plans changed, someone would be mad because they “always did Christmas Eve” , etc. Having two different visits in one day was hard. It was always so rushed. 

Yes. And we would hear about it until the next holiday. 

[2squared]

My mom’s family has a tradition of getting together for July 4th which has been a really fun tradition. Weather is easy for everyone to travel, no competing family gatherings, and magical fireworks. 

[Bootsie]

Our children have not grown up with a particular holiday routine.  We do not expect them to come home for a particular holiday.  Our children live in different countries right now, and that is likely to be the case for years to come.  Our strategy in recent years has been considering who is most able to travel (taking into consideration work and school schedules as well as COVID restrictions) to make sure that no one is left alone.

[iamonlyone]

5 hours ago, rebcoola said:

We have talked about it. They have seen my half siblings be pulled in a million directions and heard other relatives complain.  I tell them they will always be welcome but we will never demand or pressure the presence. That it will be a holiday anytime we are together.

I love that!

[Tenaj]

This has been discussed a lot this year because my second son was just married.  He was all excited when he realized that his wife's family does Thanksgiving big and Christmas is low key which is the opposite of our family.  We've had a long tradition of declaring different days as holidays - so that will just continue.  My Dil and I decided last week that since Christmas is on a Sunday this year we will probably do our family celebration for Christmas on the 24th and flip our Christmas Eve traditions to either Friday or Sunday - we'll see.   The date isn't important to us.  I also know that it will be rare to have everyone here.  I already have kids/grandkids scattered around the world but we've always had that situation on my dh's side so we will be fine.  

[Momto6inIN]

As a kid I grew up with both sides of my family living nearby, so we'd always do my dad's side for a lunch meal and my mom's side for an evening meal on the actual holiday day. I loooooooved this as a kid, but once I became a parent I realized just how stressful that must have been for my mom.

When we got married we moved 1.5 and 4.5 hrs away from each of my and DH's families. When our kids were little we prioritized seeing cousins and grandparents over our own little family holiday plans. We have 8 siblings in between us, so scheduling is hard anyway, let alone if someone is dogmatic about their own plans. So sometimes we were at my parents' house, sometimes at my IL's, rarely at home on the actual holiday. We'd squeeze in our little family holiday into whatever day was left. We've created our own little traditions over the years, which also evolve and change as the family grows and changes. My kids were always very glad we prioritized cousin time.

So basically my kids are already well acquainted with the concept that it's the getting together that counts, not the time/date. And with the idea that time with extended family is important and desirable. So hopefully that continues, but so much depends on who they marry and what their family traditions might be 🤷‍♀️

[elegantlion]

When ds was little, we'd rotate Thanksgiving and Christmas between my family and exdh's. His family meant travel, mine did not. There were times we hosted, depending upon if my sister was coming or not. 

I've told ds he is welcome to do whatever he wants on the holidays. As it is, he lives with my mom and we do both winter holidays with them. I don't know if we'll always live in the same town together, so I'm enjoying while it's happening. I can see ds not wanting to travel on holidays. 

[TexasProud]

I hope we have modeled it. We have never dreaded holidays.  In fact, we all looked forward to seeing our extended family.  They loved MaMa and PaPa's house and going there.  They never guilted us when we couldn't go, though did express how much they missed us. We just didn't go to either my mom's or dad's very much and when we did, we didn't stay long because we didn't feel as "at home."  But again, no guilt from that side of the family either and never any human drama around holidays.

For us holidays are not big deal. 

[Ellie]

I don't think we discussed it when they were actually children. 🙂 As they are married adults now, I do not put pressure on them to visit me for holidays, as I have read too many sad, sad stories of inlaws who made the holidays dreadful because neither set was willing to do, say, Christmas Eve instead of Christmas day, you know? Currently, I'm in the middle of Texas, and both dd are in the left coast. One lives walking distance from her inlaws, the other is a few hours' drive away. I am absolutely not going to make them choose which parents to visit, but also, the weather between here and there can be so unpredictable; older dd was stuck here our first year in Texas when she came out for Christmas, and her return flight was canceled because it was coming from Colorado and was snowed in. I figure the inlaws can have them for the winter holidays, and I'll try for the birthdays in May, when the weather is much better for air travel. 🙂

[teachermom2834]

Someone upthread mentioned making sure no one was alone and I can see that guiding our holiday decisions. I usually host big extended family Thanksgiving but 22 yo ds and his girlfriend wanted us (and the three siblings) to travel to be with them. I wanted to and I am really over the big hosting gig but my 19 yo ds has to work an overnight shift on the Wednesday before thanksgiving so as I explained to my son’s girlfriend (who I am so honored really wants us to come be with them)- I’m not going to leave one of my kids behind on a holiday. Ds and girlfriend have each other and her family and they were the ones who chose to move away and they are welcome to come be with us. But I’m just not leaving 19 yo ds alone on Thanksgiving. As it turns out, my son’s girlfriend proceeded to find my 19 yo a flight that works for him to fly to her location Thanksgiving day so it is all working out. But not leaving 19 yo alone was the guiding factor in our decision making. 
 

Another factor is as my kids are now young adults I am navigating the shift from hosting the extended family gathering for my parent/siblings and their children to focusing the gathering on the needs of my own adult children. I’m the first of my generation to make this shift and it has left my siblings with no one to host the holiday. But it is time. I am tired of the hosting gig and it is time to begin to pass the torch for planning and arranging the details to the next generation and just be helpful and supportive and agreeable. Instead of navigating plans with my siblings and siblings in law and accommodating all their kiddos I am moving into being the matriarch of my own brood of adult people. I really don’t care about all the details and they are excited to start their adulting holiday lives. Which is working out well so far and I am beyond happy to move into the next phase. 

[SKL]

I dunno, I guess we'll do whatever feels right at the time.  I think a lot depends on when/if each child moves out (and how far away), gets married, has kids, etc.  Right now I tell my kids they can live with me as long as they want (provided they are considerate housemates), so that would obviously include doing holidays here.

I think they have noticed the changes in how my folks have done it over the years, and would realize that that'll happen in my house too eventually.

We don't really do Christmas that huge anyway.  We phased a lot out over the years, partly because we often travel at that time of year, and partly because none of us really wants or needs tons of "stuff."  Last year I quit buying stuff for most of the extended family too.  So call me lazy, but we don't have a ton to cut at this point.  😛 

As for Thanksgiving, my daughter started cooking that meal here when we stopped going over to my folks' to eat.  I assume that will continue, since she's really the only one who likes cooking, or eating for that matter.  If she doesn't cook the meal, we'll probably order in or just go out to eat.  It's honestly not important enough to me to spend a day cooking by myself.

Easter, I don't think we've done that as an extended family holiday while I've had kids.  I don't know that I'd try to extend that if my kids move out.  I like going to church, but the kids aren't fans so that's something I'll probably do alone eventually.  Same with NYE.

 

[fairfarmhand]

10 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

 

Another factor is as my kids are now young adults I am navigating the shift from hosting the extended family gathering for my parent/siblings and their children to focusing the gathering on the needs of my own adult children. I’m the first of my generation to make this shift and it has left my siblings with no one to host the holiday. But it is time. I am tired of the hosting gig and it is time to begin to pass the torch for planning and arranging the details to the next generation and just be helpful and supportive and agreeable. Instead of navigating plans with my siblings and siblings in law and accommodating all their kiddos I am moving into being the matriarch of my own brood of adult people. I really don’t care about all the details and they are excited to start their adulting holiday lives. Which is working out well so far and I am beyond happy to move into the next phase. 

My little family is the oldest of the group of siblings on my dh's side. (They're the ones who want/need the big family holidays. My family is scattered to the four winds and we try to get together from time to time, but generally not on holidays) We are the only ones with grown kids, a married daughter and a grandchild.  We have made the transition first, from focusing on extended family to actually starting to be the extended family for our own kids. The younger siblings seem to struggle with this idea, that you can have Christmas with your own family, especially when your own kids start having their own adult lives. I continue to remind people that once all our kids are adults, their focus will be on their parents siblings and their wives and children, and the extended family, aunts, uncles, and such will be less of a part of their lives, especially considering people have moved away.  They seem to have a hard time with this. I don't know if its just that they don't want to see it, or because they're in a different stage of life so they just CAN'T relate until they've been there. 

But I refuse to give my nieces and nephews guilt trips if their own holiday plans conflict with the extended family stuff. Not gonna do it. 

[Clarita]

I will say I do wish our extended families did more holiday gatherings. We would love to host but with BIL's crazy food allergies means that my in-laws have to host. (Well I don't know if they really have to but, every time I offer the response is it's just easier to eat at their house.) They don't love hosting big meals. So we are down to Thanksgiving and Christmas. My family is an ocean away now so that hasn't been an option between pregnancies and COVID. 

[Spryte]

25 minutes ago, Clarita said:

I will say I do wish our extended families did more holiday gatherings. We would love to host but with BIL's crazy food allergies means that my in-laws have to host. (Well I don't know if they really have to but, every time I offer the response is it's just easier to eat at their house.) They don't love hosting big meals. So we are down to Thanksgiving and Christmas. My family is an ocean away now so that hasn't been an option between pregnancies and COVID. 

Kind of related, I was going to post about this anyway, so I’m just sending you a hug. I know it’s a pain to be related to food allergy peeps. But I’m sure they appreciate the accommodations you make! Probably more than you can know. You’re giving him the gift of being able to let his guard down. You are so kind to do that, to go there. 

Allergies + holidays are just so stressful. It’s like facing death at every turn. My kid that has a huge list of anaphylactic allergies is really cool about just not eating at holiday gatherings. He eats the food we bring, and that’s it. DD has only 3 allergies, but her reaction is just as bad. She also just says no to food. They both have to be vigilant even without eating, though, holidays are the worst time. 

Nevertheless, we spent years and years going to alternate extended family gatherings on Thanksgiving. I found it absolutely harrowing. First, I’d need to cook an entire Thanksgiving dinner for DS and DD (and me, for Celiac), and pack portions into containers. We’d arrive and there’d invariably be a kid with nuts or something smeared all over his hands running around touching everything. Avoiding one’s little cousins because they are covered in poison doesn’t feel good. The tables would be full of allergens, the kitchens, just everywhere. Constant vigilance — it was exhausting. I’m a little nauseated remembering it, right now. It wasn’t joyful to see my kids eating out of Tupperware, away from everyone else. The best part was getting home late at night and eating a plate of our safe leftovers together.

Then came Covid, and we decided to stay home that first Thanksgiving. We made the food together, and sat down to our crazy full table just for us, and there was this palpable joy. The kids asked what was safe on the table, what could they eat, and we told them that they could eat everything! Anything they wanted! Wow. It was cool. And not once did I feel for the epipens, or review in my head the directions to the hospital in a strange area. 

So here we are. We have always celebrated at home for Christmas, and now Thanksgiving is at home, too. Anyone and everyone we know is welcome. It’s driving our extended family a bit batty, and I know they would commiserate with anyone else dealing with a family like ours.

Maybe your BIL just hit that awful wall, too, the wall of “I just want to enjoy the holiday without fear” wall. Maybe. 

What I’m suggesting this year is a variation of Pie Saturday. I’m telling everyone we are hosting outdoor games and fun on the weekend, and we will have safe desserts. If they want to bring anything, they can bring games or drinks.

Maybe you could suggest that you’d like to host something like that? Tell him you will wipe everything down, and help him feel comfortable bringing his own food. Only have safe-for-him foods out, that kind of thing? Find out what you need to do to host a minimal food gathering that he’d feel comfortable attending?

Ok, that was a tangent, and a long way to say thanks for accommodating a food allergy peep! (Now is the time to say, hey, BIL is allergic to the wool in carpets or something and none of that applies! 🤣 I just assumed he had food allergies, sorry if that was wrong!)

As for the original question, we just work on building good memories at home (feeling safe is part of that) in the hope that when the kids are out of the nest they will *want* to come home. But no worries, no pressure, we can make any day a holiday. Our adult kid doesn’t always come, sometimes he goes to his bio mom’s family, and that’s fine. The important part is that he knows he always has a home waiting, when he wants to come.

 

[teachermom2834]

9 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

 They seem to have a hard time with this. I don't know if it’s just that they don't want to see it, or because they're in a different stage of life so they just CAN'T relate until they've been there. 

 

In our case it is because going to the cousins’ house for a big family gathering/meal is what they have always done and my not hosting the traditional event means they don’t have that and it is just another day with their nuclear family. Which I understand is a let down. Related but not irrelevant is that I do all the cooking and clean up etc so it has been pretty stress free and enjoyable on their end and now it is just another day for them and they have to figure out how to make it special. So they kind of feel like their holiday has been ripped out from under them (lesson there to be more of a participant, as an adult, in making holidays happen so you aren’t so dependent on other people to make it a holiday).  So, along those lines, my kids also have an understanding of the basics that go into making the holidays happen in our family traditions and actively participate - not leaving it to one person. 

[Clarita]

5 hours ago, Spryte said:

Maybe you could suggest that you’d like to host something like that? Tell him you will wipe everything down, and help him feel comfortable bringing his own food. Only have safe-for-him foods out, that kind of thing? Find out what you need to do to host a minimal food gathering that he’d feel comfortable attending?

They don't want us hosting for good reason. We have two little kids and it would just be an added layer of hard. No one wants to have to talk to the 4 year old about how she can't help because she is not careful enough, so it's best to be in a completely gluten-free home. We try to alleviate as much work as we can from MIL because it's not her joy to host. We make the turkey because that just goes in the smoker which is absolutely gluten-free, then we carve it at their house. I know things are the way they are I just wish BIL didn't have crazy food allergies and we can host to alleviate things for MIL. 

[Katy]

I have a rule that kids wake up in their own beds on Christmas Day. Christmas Eve & Morning are spent at home. I hold that sacred.  Every other extended family celebration must flex around that rule.  They can create their own rules for their families, but I hope they do something similar.

Thanksgiving has never been a stay-home holiday in my mind, but they are free to do whatever is best for them.

[Eos]

Never discussed it when they were kids.  Traditions mean a lot to us.  They never got expensive gifts but we always did the exact same things that we all loved and they have all told me how much they love what we do.  I'm excited to see what they do when they have their own families but I anticipate feeling sad when it's not all happening here.

We generally don't travel for Thanksgiving or Christmas, the three younger kids are always here and oldest does holidays with his in-laws then comes here for New Year's.  We make as many dishes of what we've grown or gathered as we can plus a turkey from a nearby farm and it's pretty low-key.  We used to invite various young people or young families who didn't have anyone else to eat with but as people got married and started their own holidays that has faded.  Now we have a very dear friend who is a widow who comes with her grown son, which is a new phase of life for our generation.

So!  drumroll please...this year we are traveling en masse to oldest ds' house where he will do almost all of the cooking!  He cooks for himself and ddil, and has always cooked their holiday feasts.  It's a bit of a cross-cultural mash up with the other parents- they are lovely but we are very different so the day will be very different and that will be just fine.  I'm excited to watch ds in action and will bring the gallon of cranberries I picked with dd yesterday as our contribution.  It's possible we will still come home and do another feast because we love leftovers 🙂 

Edited November 10, 2022 by Eos

[EmilyGF]

21 hours ago, TexasProud said:

I hope we have modeled it. We have never dreaded holidays.  In fact, we all looked forward to seeing our extended family.  They loved MaMa and PaPa's house and going there.  They never guilted us when we couldn't go, though did express how much they missed us. We just didn't go to either my mom's or dad's very much and when we did, we didn't stay long because we didn't feel as "at home."  But again, no guilt from that side of the family either and never any human drama around holidays.

For us holidays are not big deal. 

I think this is what we had growing up, and I hope what we have now. I never felt like the holidays were stressful for me or my parents. We all looked forward to the extended family around, and left when we were tired. Now, I think my kids and I feel the same way.

My maternal grandmother lived alone and did not like a lot of hubbub. My paternal grandparents were the life of the party and had a huge extended friend network that my parents stayed friends with until that generation died off. So, we spent Christmas with the paternal grandparents, in our home town, with them and their large friend set and New Year's with the maternal grandmother. She lived in Pasadena, so we went to the Rose Parade every year after staying at her house. (There were many essays I wrote on the 6-hour drive home in the backseat of the car!)

It was hard for me when I got married to not have the large family gatherings, but we did things with local friends. We didn't go visit my parents much at holidays because we knew holiday travel was the worst, but we spent time with them when it made sense. Now they live within driving distance, and the kids (as well as the parents) eagerly look forward to holidays and any other time we can make it to their house.

We're visiting other friends for Thanksgiving and my parents said, "That sounds like a great trip!" I think they would say they love having us, but they have lots of friends and connections and are fine if we're not there. 

Emily

[KungFuPanda]

My daughter has been married a little over a year, so this is the second holiday season where we have to share her.  Last year we had her for Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve.  This year we will see her on Christmas Day and will have to plan a family meal on a day that isn't Thanksgiving. We're flexible and just do not care as long as we see them.  Our household is now Dh, Ds22 and me.  We're flexible.