Funerals…..does anyone else hate them?

[Ottakee]

I hate going to funerals.  Seriously.  Not just dislike, but really, really don’t like going.  Much of it is because I am a blubbering mess the entire time.

I have been to many, many funerals from great grandma to murdered brother in law, to my father and grandparents,  to a cousin who had not yet passed away, and lots of others.   I just don’t like them……at all.

 

in fact, other than wanting the gospel message shared one last time with a few friends of mine, I would prefer that there not be a funeral for me when the time comes.   Instead have a potluck, hymn sing, open house style get together outside at a park if the weather is decent.   So much cheaper, fits what I like, and avoids the whole formal funeral thing.

[Pawz4me]

Yes, I hate them. I'm one of those people who doesn't understand the need for public mourning. It does nothing but make me feel worse. I want people to go away and leave me alone and let me grieve in peace. I don't really care what my family does when I die, but I've told them that as far as I'm concerned they can do nothing. Have me cremated, scatter my ashes somewhere peaceful and be done with it.

[Rosie_0801]

I didn't go to my own son's funeral, but did enjoy my FIL's.

[stephanier.1765]

I have told everyone in my life that I don't want one. Cremate me. If it helps, you can always spread them in a place you know that I love. That's it an no more.

[Frances]

I most definitely don’t want one. But the only ones I’ve been to have been Catholic, and I don’t think they have an option not to have one if they want a Catholic burial, but I might be wrong. Now I’ve been to tons of wakes and memorial services and am going to one to tomorrow and while I don’t enjoy them, they are fine. But personally, I’m perfectly ok with nothing being done when I die. And I definitely want to be cremated.

Edited September 10, 2022 by Frances

[Kassia]

I don't like funerals but I especially hate wakes/visitation.  Seems bizarre to me to have the deceased there (even more so with open casket) while everyone stands around socializing.  I just don't get it.  And funerals are so ridiculously expensive.  

DH and I both have made our wishes known - no funerals for us and just simple cremation.  We'll be scattered together once we're both gone.  Easy and simple.  

I do like the idea of some kind of celebration of life or gathering as a remembrance or to comfort one another in certain situations.  But not a big expensive funeral where people feel obligated to come and may have to be inconvenienced with travel, clothing, lodging, work/school issues...

 

ETA  actually, I'd be fine with having my body donated to science.  I don't care what happens to it after I'm gone.

 

Edited September 10, 2022 by Kassia

[73349]

34 minutes ago, Ottakee said:

in fact, other than wanting the gospel message shared one last time with a few friends of mine, I would prefer that there not be a funeral for me when the time comes.   Instead have a potluck, hymn sing, open house style get together outside at a park if the weather is decent.

A memorial service can be this. It doesn't have to be bouquets and eulogies and everyone in black.

[Bootsie]

I find funerals and memorial services comforting.  I find the ritual brings some order at a time that feels very chaotic.  

[Pawz4me]

A few days ago 25 percent of the obits in my local paper said "no formal service." I think the expectation that there should always be a formal service was on the way out before Covid, and some of the restrictions for that really sped things up. 

[Faith-manor]

We hate them. They are often long, stuffy, and exhausting the way they are done here. My mom was so done in after my dad's funeral, burial, and dinner, that I vowed so would never do one for her. It didn't help that the pastor of their church took 45 minutes of the service to preach an apocalyptic, get saved sinners, message complete with a long rant about rape that sent three relatives into the foyer with panic attacks. Sigh.

Our current plan is when mom and mil pass, immediate family only potluck gathering, visiting with on another, sharing memories, singing their favorite songs. No pastor, noe one from their church or the wider community invited, private graveside service for mom (she pre-paid), cremation for mil. We will she a memorial card to their churches. I am sure some folks are going to be offended. However, er have been down this road many times before with exhaustive funerals, and just don't have the energy or mental bandwidth for them anymore. And of course it doesn't help that immediate family is spread out all over this country, so to do anything, there is a lot of traveling involved, and a big service means for most of them, they spend all day with strangers and not being able to visit with us because we have this huge thing to deal with. Something very private and informal sounds just right for the needs of the people who will be mourning the hardest.

[Frances]

Do some people only do a funeral? As I stated upthread, my only experience with funerals is Catholic ones and they always have wakes too. So I’ve been to way more wakes than funerals, as we only missed school or work for the funerals of very close relatives. Otherwise, we went to the wake the evening before. So I could understand hating funerals more if that was the only option to show your respects and talk to the family. At least here, memorial services or some other type of gathering like the one we are going to tomorrow at a park seem far, far more common than funerals. I’m guessing it’s both regional and religion/denomination dependent.

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

I love funerals. But all four of my grandparents were from the same small town with three of them having roots hundreds of years deep there.  Funerals are still community events with very little actual mourning and a great deal of joyous memories, reunion with loved ones rarely seen, and food.  Lots and lots of food from the small clapboard UMC church ladies.      My great grandmother’s funeral stretched over three days and was exactly the glorious send off she’d planned(she was 98 and spent at least 70 of those years planning and adding to her funeral).  There was nothing sad about it, just the way she had hoped.  It started with her stellar hot pink casket and ended with whiskey toasts at the lowering of the casket(where a second cousin actually fell into the open grave after a touch too much, which would have very much delighted her; she had a wicked sense of humor). 

I had an uncle who had a catholic funeral that was a very different atmosphere. That one I didn’t like. 

Edited September 10, 2022 by Mrs Tiggywinkle

[Kassia]

37 minutes ago, Bootsie said:

I find funerals and memorial services comforting.  I find the ritual brings some order at a time that feels very chaotic.  

As much as I don't like them, I regret not going to my dear friend's funeral.  DH's family had a first communion on the same day and I thought it was better to go to that.  But I felt like I was lacking some kind of closure by not being there at the funeral and I wouldn't have been missed at the family event.  The funeral was very very crowded so I wasn't missed there either but I do wish I had gone.  

[KrissiK]

I like them. I find the obituary to always be interesting, I like to see who comes and I think it gives a real sense of closure. I guess, though. I should say that I like funerals of older people . Young people who die much too soon I do not enjoy.

[Ottakee]

1 hour ago, 73349 said:

A memorial service can be this. It doesn't have to be bouquets and eulogies and everyone in black.

But I don’t even like memorial services😔

[kbutton]

Generally, I like funerals. I am sure I could find exceptions. Even the tragic ones are cathartic and helpful, IMO. Similarly to @Mrs Tiggywinkle, I am from a small town (I don't live there now), and funerals have always been a homecoming of sorts. 

I don't want excessive eulogizing at mine. I think it would be better to focus on the hope of resurrection with scripture readings, etc.  

[Annie G]

I dislike funerals and avoid them when possible.  However, in May we went to the funeral of the mom of dh’s childhood bestie. She was like a second mom to him and we stayed in touch. Her funeral was delightful. All four of her boys (in their 50’s and 60’s) are very close and very laid back, so it wasn’t a teary funeral, just a genuine celebration of her life. Lots of laughter and you could just feel the genuine love. Walked out feeling so happy and grateful and glad we went. If all funerals were like that I’d like them better.  Drama is not my friend. 

[MercyA]

I'm so sorry for your loss, Ottakee. ❤️

Edited September 11, 2022 by MercyA

[StillStanding]

1 hour ago, stephanier.1765 said:

I have told everyone in my life that I don't want one. Cremate me. If it helps, you can always spread them in a place you know that I love. That's it an no more.

I have said the same thing to my family.

I have attended Catholic funerals for family members, and Methodist funerals at my UMC for church members. Loosing someone you love is always harder than loosing and acquaintance, but my first Methodist funeral was a shock. I was used to somber (what I think as respectful) Catholic funerals and my United  Methodist church does something called "Celebration of Life." Think New Orleans "Jazz" style music that includes some dancing by a few members...I am told not all UMC do this. 

I don't want a service.

[Arcadia]

My late mom opt for a buddhist funeral. The wake was a typical Chinese wake and visiting hours were 8am to 11pm. Relatives and friends would drop by at the wake at their convenience. Only immediate family are expected at the funeral which takes about 4hrs. Close relatives would attend if they can but are not obligated to. My mom’s funeral was on Saturday so many cousins could come. 

[Katy]

I found my dad’s funeral helpful for my grief. I wasn’t close enough to others to have much of an opinion.

[Ottakee]

One of the best funerals I ever attended was for a cousin that had not yet passed away.  Long story short, he was removed from life support when out of state family arrived but lingered a few days.  Due to flights, the “funeral “ became a celebration of life.  Very short message by the pastor, song by his MIL, and then lots of food (potluck style) and visiting.  This was during 2020 so it was outside at a park.  Flowers were planters from a local green house that family members then took home and enjoyed for months to come.

When he did pass 2 days later it was direct cremation (sadly the guy at the local crematorium knows me by name as I I’ve arranged for too many cremations for family).

cost was a bit for food and flowers, an honorarium to the pastor and the cremation.  All told under $2000.

[GoVanGogh]

I have not been to a funeral in a number of years but have to attend one tomorrow. I actually just got home from shopping for an outfit to wear. 
When my (fairly young) neighbor passed away a number of years ago, his family had a lovely, low key celebration of life. 
My late aunt planned her services (three!) after her cancer had spread to her brain. Someone really should have stepped in and downsized them after she passed. It was awful. As was my husband’s former boss’ wife’s services when she died tragically. But the husband did have a fully catered celebration of life at his home after and that was beautiful. I have told my family that I don’t want a funeral or services, but I do love the idea of a fully catered meal and small celebration at a local park or garden. 

[fraidycat]

I had never really thought about it before. Funerals have always been just something we go to when somebody dies.

Then, Covid happened, the world shut down and my dad died (not from Covid).  It was during the time that (in our area, at least) we were not supposed to go to anywhere or co-mingle with anybody. Funeral services were limited to 10 people. We chose not to have one at that time, as our immediate family is 10 people and we could mourn at mom's house (ignoring the no co-mingling rule). He was cremated and when they opened up to 15 people, we had a small service with 1 representative from each of Dad's sisters' families - so two sisters and two nephews plus our family. Mom really needed that for more closure. But we still got asked repeatedly if we were doing a big service because Dad was a well-loved social butterfly in our town.

So, this past summer we held a Celebration of Life/Memorial service for anybody who felt the needed more closure. It was a lot of work, but in the end, I'm really glad we did it. It was more about Dad's personality, interests, and likes than a somber mournful occasion - complete with a shot of Scotch toast given by his oldest friend who was more like a brother.

So, I don't love going to funerals but, I respect, that for many people, the tradition of it is part of the letting go process. 

[athena1277]

3 minutes ago, GoVanGogh said:

I have not been to a funeral in a number of years but have to attend one tomorrow. I actually just got home from shopping for an outfit to wear. 
When my (fairly young) neighbor passed away a number of years ago, his family had a lovely, low key celebration of life. 
My late aunt planned her services (three!) after her cancer had spread to her brain. Someone really should have stepped in and downsized them after she passed. It was awful. As was my husband’s former boss’ wife’s services when she died tragically. But the husband did have a fully catered celebration of life at his home after and that was beautiful. I have told my family that I don’t want a funeral or services, but I do love the idea of a fully catered meal and small celebration at a local park or garden. 

My fil had 2 services, which I thought was too much, but 3?!  Why?  Fil’s were because he lived and worked (and was well known) in one place for over 40 years, then lived the last few years of his life in another state near more family.  Since they had bought plots in the first place, mil insisted on the 2 services.  I don’t know what the final cost was, but I’m sure it was $$.  
 

While we are somewhat discussing costs, did you know that it costs the same amount to have the funeral at a church as it does at the funeral home?  You would think that not using their facilities would get a small discount at least.

[bookbard]

I hate them. I dread them. I feel for you, Ottakee, with the loss of your friend. You don't want to go to a funeral, you want to spend time with them, not this way. I was on the ground sobbing, pulling clumps of my hair out at my brother's funeral. It's horrible.

Even people I don't really care about - my MIL had a religious funeral, it was so fake and covered up who she really was. She would've liked it but it was just ridiculous. Attending was like being in a play.

[Ausmumof3]

I strongly dislike them. I don’t like being emotional in front of people much and funerals make me cry even for people I don’t know much. I wish it was etiquette to choose to attend or not.

[gardenmom5]

I don't mind funerals - but I've learned there can be a big difference out there . . . (I've been to some which were just.  . . morose . . . . )

 

One dear sweet elderly lady, didn't want a funeral. She wanted everyone to have a party with her favorite foods.  And everyone was supposed to wear pink - her favorite color.  After the grave dedication (that lasted maybe 10 minutes), everyone went back to the church and had a party.  (this woman had super soaker fights with her grandkids . . . )

[Arcadia]

My mom’s funeral and wake cost US$18,280.77 when converted to USD.  
 

While sombre colors were traditionally expected, all my living relatives have relaxed that rule so that people can just come from work without going home for a change of clothes.  The immediate family was traditionally expected to be in white and black throughout the wake and funeral but we only observed that for the funeral. For the wake, we just wore whatever we have that’s not bright colors so some were wearing clothes with some red but the matte version. 
 

My mom’s wake and funeral is definitely for the living. My mom’s siblings understand that my mom wants things as simple as possible but not having the wake would be hard on them.  My mom had a sea burial as she had said she wanted. We had a short temple praying ceremony done after the burial as her older sister wished. My aunt needs that for full closure and it hurts no one.

ETA:

My dad did wire money for his funeral expenses to me because when his time comes, he doesn’t want to burden me with paying for his funeral. It would be similar to my mom’s because his similar age relatives need that closure.

Edited September 11, 2022 by Arcadia

[kbutton]

1 hour ago, StillStanding said:

I have said the same thing to my family.

I have attended Catholic funerals for family members, and Methodist funerals at my UMC for church members. Loosing someone you love is always harder than loosing and acquaintance, but my first Methodist funeral was a shock. I was used to somber (what I think as respectful) Catholic funerals and my United  Methodist church does something called "Celebration of Life." Think New Orleans "Jazz" style music that includes some dancing by a few members...I am told not all UMC do this. 

I don't want a service.

I think the New Orleans jazz music is a specifically New Orleans funeral tradition. 

[Brittany1116]

I have only been to those for a grandparent on each side, and various elderly church friends. I don't mind them, and I go now for the people they left behind. My husband just had a 100 y/o relative pass and it took almost a month to be able to get services scheduled. I wonder how many can't afford it vs don't like it vs can't get booked. 

My only requests are that my casket is the simplest, least expensive one available but that there are flowers in my favorite color. 

[StillStanding]

39 minutes ago, kbutton said:

I think the New Orleans jazz music is a specifically New Orleans funeral tradition. 

Yes, but I am in Tennessee.

[kbutton]

16 minutes ago, StillStanding said:

Yes, but I am in Tennessee.

I wonder if someone in the family was from New Orleans. That's interesting!

[City Mouse]

One of my SILs passed away earlier this week. At her request, there will be no service. There may be some informal get-to-gethers a a later date, but maybe not. A while back when she and her husband were talking about end-of-life plans, she said she wanted to be cremated. When he asked her what he should do with her ashes, she responded “throw them in the nearest dumpster for all I care”. While I suspect that won’t happen, my own DH says he can picture his sister saying that and imagine it in her own voice even. 

[MrsMommy]

I dislike visitations, and I HATE open caskets. I don't mind the church service, though.

[Ottakee]

1 hour ago, Ausmumof3 said:

I strongly dislike them. I don’t like being emotional in front of people much and funerals make me cry even for people I don’t know much. I wish it was etiquette to choose to attend or not.

I am a blubbering mess.  I cried when I watched part of Michael Jackson’s funeral…..and I didn’t even like him or his music.    I cried when Frosty melted and at every missionary story ever told and commercials and…..my kids just buy me Kleenex packs for Christmas 

[Dmmetler]

My mother had hers planned out, complete with many songs and scriptures, and her commentary on each. Had we done the whole thing, I think it would have been hours long. I think that we ended up doing about a fourth of it. The small graveyard burial we did with just family and a long time friend as the minister was a lot more meaningful to me. 

 

Honestly, any comfort I might have gotten from the big service was subsumed by the fear that "this is going to end up being a super spreader event, isn't it?", Especially since the average age in attendance was probably in the high 60's if not 70's. 

 

 

 

 

[Ottakee]

OP here…..I would love a low key get together where people just came as they are.  If you are my hiking buddy, wear your hiking clothes.  We if kayaked together shorts and a t shirt are great.   I would love a graduation style open house party…..maybe a graduated to heaven party????    A few good hymns belted out (everyone knows I can’t carry a tune but I try to make a joyful noise) and a prayer and then lots of good food and fellowship.     Even at one of our local parks where people could take a hike, sit outside and enjoy the beauty, be inside and come and go as they wish.

[Scarlett]

5 hours ago, Bootsie said:

I find funerals and memorial services comforting.  I find the ritual brings some order at a time that feels very chaotic.  

Me too.  I don’t exactly like funerals but I need them. 

 

And I would be very sad if no one cried or was sad when I died.  I mean, limits of course…..but yes mourn me, be sad, miss me…..while you remember me with fondness and laughter ( I hope). 

[Bootsie]

4 hours ago, StillStanding said:

I have said the same thing to my family.

I have attended Catholic funerals for family members, and Methodist funerals at my UMC for church members. Loosing someone you love is always harder than loosing and acquaintance, but my first Methodist funeral was a shock. I was used to somber (what I think as respectful) Catholic funerals and my United  Methodist church does something called "Celebration of Life." Think New Orleans "Jazz" style music that includes some dancing by a few members...I am told not all UMC do this. 

I don't want a service.

I grew up in South Louisiana (but not New Orleans), and attended many Catholic funerals, which I would not classify as "somber".  My family was United Methodist and we never had Jazz style music or dancing.  so, it is very regionally dependent. 

[Bootsie]

When people talk about the cost of a funeral, what is being included?  I would consider the cost of things like embalming, a casket, and a cemetery plot as burial costs--which would be incurred if there is a burial whether or not there is a funeral.  

[StillStanding]

4 minutes ago, Bootsie said:

I grew up in South Louisiana (but not New Orleans), and attended many Catholic funerals, which I would not classify as "somber".  My family was United Methodist and we never had Jazz style music or dancing.  so, it is very regionally dependent. 

I attended the Catholic funerals in Spain for family members, so it could be that (cultural/ regional ?). My UMC has done several " Celebration of Life" type funerals for several congregation members that have included the Jazzy ( what I call New Orleans style funeral, for a better definition, based on what I  have seen in movies ...I don't have any experience with Catholic funerals in Lousiana) music, including the dancing and the clapping with the happy music. I am not opposed to people celebrating the life of a departed loved one (each person/family, can choose whatever service they want),  it is just not something I had experienced before I became a member of this church and it is not be what I would choose for my loved ones. 

[Arcadia]

34 minutes ago, Bootsie said:

When people talk about the cost of a funeral, what is being included?  I would consider the cost of things like embalming, a casket, and a cemetery plot as burial costs--which would be incurred if there is a burial whether or not there is a funeral.  

Embalming, casket, rental of the room for the wake, prayer services, transport of casket from the place of wake to the crematorium, transport of guests to and from the crematorium by chartered bus, sea burial services.

The niche for the urn in the columbarium is not included in the funeral expenses and is usually prepaid. My parents paid a long time ago because my mom’s sister wanted her siblings to be in the same section of the columbarium so the only way to guarantee that is to prepay for their niches. My in-laws paid around $5k this year for two niche in the same columbarium as FIL’s late sister. Each niche is less than 30cm/1ft tall and less than 25cm wide.

Edited September 11, 2022 by Arcadia

[Melissa Louise]

I don't hate them, but I don't need them, in the same way I don't need a gravesite to visit etc. 

It makes me cringe slightly to think of a funeral being held for me. 

[Frances]

2 hours ago, Ottakee said:

OP here…..I would love a low key get together where people just came as they are.  If you are my hiking buddy, wear your hiking clothes.  We if kayaked together shorts and a t shirt are great.   I would love a graduation style open house party…..maybe a graduated to heaven party????    A few good hymns belted out (everyone knows I can’t carry a tune but I try to make a joyful noise) and a prayer and then lots of good food and fellowship.     Even at one of our local parks where people could take a hike, sit outside and enjoy the beauty, be inside and come and go as they wish.

Hopefully you can put these wishes in writing now, so that they will be honored when your time comes. Both my dad and my FIL died of cancer and had everything planned in advance, right down to the smallest details. It made it so much easier on our moms and us when the time came. Not just because we didn’t have to make very many decisions, but because we knew we were doing exactly what they wanted. There was great comfort in that. My mom’s is already completely pre-planned and at least where they live in the Midwest, it seems common for people to have special savings accounts for funeral expenses. So all of the money for hers is already in place also.

[Kassia]

3 hours ago, Dmmetler said:

 

 

Honestly, any comfort I might have gotten from the big service was subsumed by the fear that "this is going to end up being a super spreader event, isn't it?", Especially since the average age in attendance was probably in the high 60's if not 70's. 

 

 

 

 

This is how I felt at my FIL's funeral (July 2020 before vaccines either).  Average age was probably 70s.  No distancing at the funeral home and people thought they were masked but either wore them under their noses or pulled them down to talk.  Lots of hugging.  And there was a tiny room off the main room where there was food and drinks so everyone hung out there with no masks on to eat, drink, and socialize.  I was so horrified and worried that I couldn't focus on the service at all.  We had to be super careful not to get sick because we were leaving soon after to take dd OOS to move her into her dorm for freshman year at college.  

[Jean in Newcastle]

Funeral services (or memorial services in some cases) come in all shapes and sizes.  While I do think that the deceased should make their wishes known (obviously before they are deceased), I do think that there is also some merit in doing what will give the most comfort to the family and what will help them to have closure and feel at peace.  I would never try to tell someone else's family what they should do, even if I personally don't find comfort in some traditions. 

I do remember a Filipino funeral where people started throwing themselves in grief on the body in the open casket.  We were supposed to go up row by row to see the body, but when it came time for me and my young children, I just respectfully stayed in my seat for that part of the service.  I felt like it was a good compromise and no one seemed to take offense.  I have also stayed home from some funerals and have just sent my condolences - not because of any animosity or anything but because at the time it was the best way for me to grief and to find closure.  Again - as far as I know, no one has taken offense.  (This wasn't for close family members though.  I do feel an obligation to go in person for those.) 

[Carrie12345]

I’m mostly okay with family funerals/memorials, but I feel extremely uncomfortable and awkward at funerals for people I’ve known, but didn’t really know their family well  

My grandmother didn’t get a funeral over 2 years ago, and I do feel like I’m missing some sort of closure, for lack of a better word. 
I couldn’t attend my aunt’s funeral, but something about knowing there was a formal event makes it feel different. I may not have been there, but it took place. 

[Indigo Blue]

I’m with you, Ottakee. This thread shows that I’m not the only one that feels this way, and that it’s not just me having another backward, weird, or “socially against the grain” attitude. 

[Laura Corin]

21 hours ago, Frances said:

Do some people only do a funeral? As I stated upthread, my only experience with funerals is Catholic ones and they always have wakes too. So I’ve been to way more wakes than funerals, as we only missed school or work for the funerals of very close relatives. Otherwise, we went to the wake the evening before. So I could understand hating funerals more if that was the only option to show your respects and talk to the family. At least here, memorial services or some other type of gathering like the one we are going to tomorrow at a park seem far, far more common than funerals. I’m guessing it’s both regional and religion/denomination dependent.

Open casket, embalming, visitation or wakes are uncommon in my culture. All I have been to are short services plus cremation or burial, then buffet after. 

Edited September 11, 2022 by Laura Corin