Jump to content

Menu
Giving You and Your Child a Road Map to the Best Possible Education
The Well-Trained Mind Community

When one parent dies suddenly - moving forward

wintermom

By wintermom,
in The Chat Board

 Share

Recommended Posts

wintermom

wintermom

Posted
Posted

My father died very suddenly a week ago. I was on the plane trying to get there while he passed away. He was with my mom when he passed, and my brother and sister joined my mom in the hospital shortly after dad passed. Needless to say, we are all still in shock and just trying to process what happened. 

I know that there are many of you who have gone through losing a loved one, and you are so generous with advice and helpful brainstorming. My mom and dad didn't manage to downsize to a manageable living arrangement that my mom can go on thriving in. She doesn't want the responsibility of owning a home and she shouldn't live alone due to her physical capabilities, but the house is 2 hr away from the closest family. I was hoping to stay with her and work virtually, but it's not possible, and my siblings can't work virtually. 

My question is about timing of moving her out to either living with me, or another family member. We don't have the luxury to give her the 6 months to live in her home. I just want to bundle her up and bring her home with me, but I don't want to rip her away from the place she'd lived for 20 years. She has friends, though several of them are also aging, not healthy, moving, or have passed away. What to do and how quickly is the big question. 

What have those of you done? What seemed to work well? What was a mistake?  I'm imaging a series of changing situations as her physical or mental capacity diminishes more. I'm also connecting her with grief support, and she is appreciating this greatly already. 

  • Sad 28
Link to comment
Share on other sites
kristin0713

kristin0713

Posted
Posted

I'm so sorry about your dad. 

I can only offer experience from watching my parents and aunts and uncles care for my grandparents. Would it be possible to say, "Mom, come stay with us for now as we figure this all out." But don't sell the house right away. Go back on weekends to organize, prep, maybe have her meet up with a friend. Keep it in flux over the next few months. That way she is with you, but can go back to her home for now. And you will all have time to process and work through the next steps. It might mean a lot of trips back for a while but the gradual transition would probably help. If you have siblings to participate in this, maybe take turns hosting her, that would help too. 

  • Like 22
Link to comment
Share on other sites
fairfarmhand

fairfarmhand

Posted
Posted
5 minutes ago, kristin0713 said:

I'm so sorry about your dad. 

I can only offer experience from watching my parents and aunts and uncles care for my grandparents. Would it be possible to say, "Mom, come stay with us for now as we figure this all out." But don't sell the house right away. Go back on weekends to organize, prep, maybe have her meet up with a friend. Keep it in flux over the next few months. That way she is with you, but can go back to her home for now. And you will all have time to process and work through the next steps. It might mean a lot of trips back for a while but the gradual transition would probably help. If you have siblings to participate in this, maybe take turns hosting her, that would help too. 

This is what I would recommend. It will take time before she is able to make the decisions about what to keep, what to give to kids, what to donate. It is traumatic to do that for many many people, and I would not want to add that to the trauma that she is already experiencing.

  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Grace Hopper

Grace Hopper

Posted
Posted
2 minutes ago, kristin0713 said:

I'm so sorry about your dad. 

I can only offer experience from watching my parents and aunts and uncles care for my grandparents. Would it be possible to say, "Mom, come stay with us for now as we figure this all out." But don't sell the house right away. Go back on weekends to organize, prep, maybe have her meet up with a friend. Keep it in flux over the next few months. That way she is with you, but can go back to her home for now. And you will all have time to process and work through the next steps. It might mean a lot of trips back for a while but the gradual transition would probably help. If you have siblings to participate in this, maybe take turns hosting her, that would help too. 

This is good advice! We suddenly relocated a parent out of sheer necessity. There was no other way, there wasn’t anyone who could provide care within a 1000 miles. Almost any other way would have been better, but no one was available to be away from their job/family for several months. 
 

Kristin’s advice would provide for her care yet not force any sudden decisions about the house. It would give all of you, your mom and her helpers, time to process and grieve. 
 

I am sorry for your loss. 

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites
marbel

marbel

Posted
Posted

I am so sorry to read this. I don't have any advice, but I'm praying for your situation. I think what kristin0713 said above is great advice if feasible. If you were flying in you must be far away so weekend trips may not be workable. Is there a close, trusted friend who could stay with your mom for a while, in between you and your siblings coming in to see her and help her sort things out?  Or, if your mom came to stay with you for a while, to keep an eye on the empty house? I know that may also not be feasible for many reasons.

Hugs to you and your mom. 

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites
footballmom

footballmom

Posted
Posted

I couldn’t read and no respond, I’m so sorry for your loss.  I don’t have any tangible advice, MIL has continued to live in the house solo and it’s not the best thing for anyone. I think one lesson we’ve learned is always try to give two options that are workable for you and give her some control: “Mom, would you rather come stay with me starting x date through y date or z date through zz date?” “Would you rather we spend time going through things in this room first or the other room” etc.  As much as you can break things down into a,Allen tasks will help while knowing grief is a process and comes in waves.  Big hugs

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites
elegantlion

elegantlion

Posted
Posted

I am so sorry for your loss. I will write more later as I have time. When my dad died, my mom knew that she didn't want to stay where she was. She made her move in less than a year (she was capable of living on her own), even that time frame felt short with everything that needed to be done. 

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
BusyMom5

BusyMom5

Posted
Posted

I haven't been in this situation,  but after my uncle passed, my aunt was just lost.  Her kids and siblings passed her around all summer, living with them z few weeks at a time.  After about 3 months she agreed to move her stuff into storage and get an apartment near one of her kids.  Its been a good change, and the kids are doing part of the year near one, part near another (the other kids aren't really able to help as much). 

Hugs to you, this is so hard.  Prayers for your family.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Bootsie

Bootsie

Posted
Posted

I am sorry for your loss. 

I experienced my father dying suddenly (dropped dead from a heart attack), so there had been no planning or downsizing.  My mother had lived within a 20 mile radius most of her life; she was an only child and the only relatives nearby were in-laws.  She did have many friends in the area and was involved in many local activities.  She remained in her home for about one year, but she visited my sisters or me often (or we visited her often) during that year.  She was the one who made the decision to sell the house and move close to me.  I helped her with logistics, but the decision to move was entirely her decision.  

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Jean in Newcastle

Jean in Newcastle

Posted
Posted

I am so sorry, Wintermom. 
 

I have helped move my parents to assisted living (and from that to more specialized care) and did the same for my ILs. But they didn’t have the added trauma of a death and grieving. 
 

So brainstorming.
 

Does your mother have funds for something like assisted living?  Places like that can provide much needed community as well as assistance with care. 

Do you or your siblings have the ability to help her with her physical and emotional needs if she does move in with someone?  Perhaps a connection to friends could be kept through things like FaceTime. 
 

How soon does her house and belongings have to be cleaned out etc?  A rental often has to be cleaned out much more quickly. Though you could possibly put things in storage until summer or sometime when things can be sorted more carefully. Or there are companies that do this but of course it can be expensive. 

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Grace Hopper

Grace Hopper

Posted
Posted
6 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

I am so sorry, Wintermom. 
 

I have helped move my parents to assisted living (and from that to more specialized care) and did the same for my ILs. But they didn’t have the added trauma of a death and grieving. 
 

So brainstorming.
 

Does your mother have funds for something like assisted living?  Places like that can provide much needed community as well as assistance with care. 

Do you or your siblings have the ability to help her with her physical and emotional needs if she does move in with someone?  Perhaps a connection to friends could be kept through things like FaceTime. 
 

How soon does her house and belongings have to be cleaned out etc?  A rental often has to be cleaned out much more quickly. Though you could possibly put things in storage until summer or sometime when things can be sorted more carefully. Or there are companies that do this but of course it can be expensive. 

This might be a good idea - put things in storage and they can be gone through a few boxes at a time as your mother feels up to it. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Janeway

Janeway

Posted
Posted (edited)

She should 100% make her own decisions without anyone pushing a particular choice. My dad wanted to stay living at home. But my oldest sister decided he would be happier at a senior living. He never was. We did not sell his house and he really wanted to move back home. The agreement was that the house would not be sold until he wanted to and he never wanted to. He wanted to move home. I think he should have been allowed to go home. My sister decided he could not live on his own. He was fine on his own. In senior living, he was not receiving assisted services. Even if he had been, it would have cost less to leave him at home than pay for that place. His cooking was so-so, not so capable anymore. He used to do all the cooking. But, for the cost of the senior living, we could have had meals delivered several times a day. 

He had no rights in senior living, even though they pretend they do. Things were stolen from him. They would not always knock on the door when they would come and go. And they would come and go when they pleased. In the end, when they shut down for Covid, they did not allow the elderly people to even go in their own yards or come and go from their own private entrances. They locked everything down, so the people could not use the external doors from their own apartments or even from the main parts of the buildings. I looked in through the windows sometimes and saw staff without masks and coming and going from the rooms and not even washing hands in between or using hand sanitizer. My dad ended up catching Covid, after 10 months of being locked away in his little apartment with little contact with the outside world, and he died. He did not get medical care until he had Covid for 2 weeks which sealed his fate. 

I told my children I will never ever go to a home and if they try, they will be out of my life. I will not be manipulated like my dad was. And my dad's place was expensive and looked very nice. It was over $6000 a month without any assisted living type add-on services.

 

I would say if your mom wants to go, then start looking at places for her. Do not completely trust reviews. I tried to leave a negative review on "A Place for Mom" and they would not allow it. Ask around and get word of mouth recommendations. But if she does not want to go, maybe start her off by asking her to come stay with you for a while, and play it off like it is because you want her company. Unless there is a financial reason to sell the house, like she just cannot afford to keep it, then do not sell it.

One last thing, do not expect her to grieve your dad outwardly and all the time. I really regret that I brought my dad treats on my mom's birthday-a couple months before he died. And my dad was thrilled with the treats and said he would share with his girlfriend (he didn't have a girlfriend, he was just joking, but he had forgotten it was mom's birthday). I actually said to him "I brought this to you because I thought you would be sad about today being mom's birthday." Oh..I so regret that! If only I could take that stupid remark back.

 

Ok..that is it for my advice. Those are my regrets. 

 

edited to add: yesterday was my dad's birthday, should have been anyway. I am so sorry for the loss of your dad.

Edited by Janeway
  • Like 2
  • Sad 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Laura Corin

Laura Corin

Posted
Posted

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.

My experience of having an unsettled old person to stay temporarily was that, understandably,  she didn't want to move on. No options that we could offer met her desires. We finally - for crucial family reasons - had to force the issue. It wasn't pretty.

So have a good think, in advance, about whether you would want your mother staying with you permanently and factor that into how to handle a possible temporary stay.

  • Like 2
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
fraidycat

fraidycat

Posted
Posted

I'm so sorry for your loss. 
 

I don't have experience with the immediate move/changes part, but I do have the experience of the suddenly widowed mom. It's hard. Widow fog brain from the trauma of loss is real and difficult, so getting your Mom's input may be difficult, and then she may not remember what she has agreed to from one day to the next.

I'm wishing you strength and peace as you navigate this difficult path. 💕

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites
J-rap

J-rap

Posted
Posted

I'm really sorry.  

Our experience was a little different because both of my parents are still alive.  But due to a massive stroke, my mother changed from a bright, lively woman (at 88 years old!) to a complete invalid with little cognitive ability overnight, so for my father, it was like a death.  He lost his best friend of almost 70 years overnight.  

They, too, were in the same home they'd lived in for years.  They loved their home, loved their gardens, loved hosting...  I think they wanted to live there forever!  But my father immediately had a change of heart.  It was too hard for him to stay there without my mom, and he knew it was time to move on.  He had handled finances wisely throughout his life but wouldn't have been able to keep the home and move into a senior apartment at the same time for very long, so my siblings and I moved fast.  We knew about the reputable senior facilities in the area already, and fortunately we all lived in the state and could jump in and handle things pretty easily.  (My sister lived just a couple miles from them, my brother 1.5 hours away and I was 3 hours away.)

After securing a nice long term care facility for my mother, we decided (with my dad's approval of course!) on an independent senior apartment on the same "campus."  It's very nice with a little patio and we were able to set up the furniture he had had in their living room in almost exactly the same way -- just more condensed.  My sister and I spent many days sorting through their things (my dad wanted us to do it, to decide what to keep, etc.),  donating things, selling things on Facebook Marketplace, etc.  We hired a realtor almost immediately so that he could give us input and he was ready to sell it as soon as we gave him to OK.  We had the house cleared and on the market in under 3 months (probably spending 4-6 days/week at the house), and it sold in 3 days.  We also secured his new apartment fairly quickly, and there was about 2 months overlap of having both places at once.  We thought my dad would want to spend more time between the two during that time (to ease out of their beloved home) but he really wanted to do it quickly and he didn't go back to the house often at all.  It was extremely difficult for him.

So for us, moving quickly, and surrounding my dad with family, friends and love is what got him through it.  When I or my siblings couldn't be there, our (adult) children were often there helping with the transition.  

Now that he's all settled in (has been for about two years now), we are so glad he's close to family because we are the light in his day.  For others, it might be good friends, but most of my dad's good friends and relatives of his generation have died.  (He's 94.)  My sister is one mile away from him, and my dh and I are now just 20 minutes away.  One of us is there spending time with him, joining him for dinner (at our place or his), etc., probably 4 days out of 7.  At some point he'll need care himself, but not yet.  But, it'll be on the same campus he's on now so he's familiar with it.

 

  • Like 8
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Grace Hopper

Grace Hopper

Posted
Posted
32 minutes ago, J-rap said:

I'm really sorry.  

Our experience was a little different because both of my parents are still alive.  But due to a massive stroke, my mother changed from a bright, lively woman (at 88 years old!) to a complete invalid with little cognitive ability overnight, so for my father, it was like a death.  He lost his best friend of almost 70 years overnight.  

They, too, were in the same home they'd lived in for years.  They loved their home, loved their gardens, loved hosting...  I think they wanted to live there forever!  But my father immediately had a change of heart.  It was too hard for him to stay there without my mom, and he knew it was time to move on.  He had handled finances wisely throughout his life but wouldn't have been able to keep the home and move into a senior apartment at the same time for very long, so my siblings and I moved fast.  We knew about the reputable senior facilities in the area already, and fortunately we all lived in the state and could jump in and handle things pretty easily.  (My sister lived just a couple miles from them, my brother 1.5 hours away and I was 3 hours away.)

After securing a nice long term care facility for my mother, we decided (with my dad's approval of course!) on an independent senior apartment on the same "campus."  It's very nice with a little patio and we were able to set up the furniture he had had in their living room in almost exactly the same way -- just more condensed.  My sister and I spent many days sorting through their things (my dad wanted us to do it, to decide what to keep, etc.),  donating things, selling things on Facebook Marketplace, etc.  We hired a realtor almost immediately so that he could give us input and he was ready to sell it as soon as we gave him to OK.  We had the house cleared and on the market in under 3 months (probably spending 4-6 days/week at the house), and it sold in 3 days.  We also secured his new apartment fairly quickly, and there was about 2 months overlap of having both places at once.  We thought my dad would want to spend more time between the two during that time (to ease out of their beloved home) but he really wanted to do it quickly and he didn't go back to the house often at all.  It was extremely difficult for him.

So for us, moving quickly, and surrounding my dad with family, friends and love is what got him through it.  When I or my siblings couldn't be there, our (adult) children were often there helping with the transition.  

Now that he's all settled in (has been for about two years now), we are so glad he's close to family because we are the light in his day.  For others, it might be good friends, but most of my dad's good friends and relatives of his generation have died.  (He's 94.)  My sister is one mile away from him, and my dh and I are now just 20 minutes away.  One of us is there spending time with him, joining him for dinner (at our place or his), etc., probably 4 days out of 7.  At some point he'll need care himself, but not yet.  But, it'll be on the same campus he's on now so he's familiar with it.

 

I am sorry your mother had such a sudden change, but I love the way your family handled this. Well done to you all. 

  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
DreamerGirl

DreamerGirl

Posted
Posted (edited)

First of all, sorry for your loss @wintermom.  Gentle ((Hugs)) as you process this.

In my case, though both of my parents are alive, the long and short of it is my brother and I moved them from an apartment built on our ancestral land to something further away. They went from a neighborhood my dad lived his entire life and my mom most of hers to where everything is new. They went from living independently though next to my brother to now living under one roof.

9 hours ago, wintermom said:

My question is about timing of moving her out to either living with me, or another family member. We don't have the luxury to give her the 6 months to live in her home. I just want to bundle her up and bring her home with me, but I don't want to rip her away from the place she'd lived for 20 years. She has friends, though several of them are also aging, not healthy, moving, or have passed away. What to do and how quickly is the big question. 

Timing to me is very much dependent on some of these factors. 

Questions we asked were.

How independent are they ? How cognitive are they ? How is their health ? . Can they have support to help them live independently longer.

The most important question though and the decider was this 

How much effort would be expended by a caregiver to help them day to day vs if they became ill

 

9 hours ago, wintermom said:

What have those of you done? What seemed to work well? What was a mistake?  I'm imaging a series of changing situations as her physical or mental capacity diminishes more. I'm also connecting her with grief support, and she is appreciating this greatly already. 

In my parent's case, for a long time they were independent with a domestic help lady who would come. They were able to walk and maintain their health. With the pandemic all changed. My brother lived right next door, I spoke everyday with them. But there was a decline in both cognitive and health that was not apparent at first. They were adamant and worked towards living independent their whole lives. But in the end, my brother could not give the kind of support that was needed without it being a strain on him even right next door especially at night and that was a major deciding factor. It began to affect his health and that was line we both drew. He was reluctant to do it because it would mean ripping them out from something familiar and not giving them the one thing they wanted above all. But it simply was not working any more.

Timing wise, the mistake we made was putting it off. There is an instinct to not take them from something familiar and I think pretty much all of us want to die if we can in our own house and bed. But we had to recognize this situation was not working.

Second was under estimating the strain on the caretaker. My brother tried his best to be everything to everyone. But he could not and in the end it took a warning from his doctor for him to recognize he needed to do it. 

It was not easy, they fought us every step of the way because they wanted to die in their own house. But we had to do it. It came down to their emotional needs vs quality of life for them and care takers.  But we had to be objective about it and look at it with what we wanted vs what was needed.

It has been a bit over 6 months. It has mostly been a positive change for all. Their health has improved rather dramatically. It is easier to care give. They have more independence than they thought they would have. But emotionally, change is hard for them. 

There is no right or easy answer and lot of second guessing. My brother and I knowingly put physical needs before emotional of theirs and there is an element of guilt there. My brother also felt he was selfish for uprooting them, he could have managed if he had just done more. But truth is it was taking a toll on him which is not fair to him. 

You can approach this with all the best intentions and yet it may just be good enough and will not meet what they most want. But it is what it is and sometimes you have to recognize you can only do so much. 

Take care.

Edited by DreamerGirl
  • Like 3
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
LifeLovePassion

LifeLovePassion

Posted
Posted

I'm so sorry. Be gentle with yourselves. Decision fatigue is real. Grief is bizarre and strikes in odd ways. You are going through a lot. 

The short version for my parents was that my mom had to move into emergency assisted living when Dad was hospitalized before he passed  We found her a permanent spot within a couple of weeks. (She would have benefited from AL a few years prior as well, stating this because it sounds like this is not the case with your family) I can share more if it would be helpful to you or others. 

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Clarita

Clarita

Posted
Posted

I only have one piece of advice. Seek help for you. With a therapist to just process it, with someone who has gone a similar circumstance, and with the practical process of it all (documents, moving, funeral, etc.).

We did not have to seek assisted care because my mom is able to take care of herself. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
DawnM

DawnM

Posted
Posted

So sorry about your dad.

I don't know what will work for your family, but when my mom died, my dad took about 6 months to go through his things and pack up what he wanted to bring.   He moved 2,000 miles from AZ to NC to be where I am.   He did have friends help him somer too.

I would ask her what her thoughts are, maybe go over and work from her house when you can, help her go through things as needed, hire someone to help with the lawn or whatever she can't do for the time being, and have a goal of whatever time frame you think you could handle to get the house ready to sell and move.

Does she want to stay in town and live alone?   Does she want to come live near you?

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
wintermom

wintermom

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thanks again for all your thoughts and suggestions. It feels like everyday is a war zone, and the goal is just to get through it as best you can. I'm so happy my mom is sleeping well. I need to figure out how to do this better. 

Today was a great day for mom and I. We went out to see a friend with 10-week old puppies. We just sat in the sunshine and cuddled with the furry bundles of love for an hour. It was a precious moment to share with her. 

There's still no firm plan in place for where and when mom is moving, but the initial shock and urgency to do everything all at once was eased up a little.

  • Like 7
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...