Oh boy, I am crashing hard today.

[Jenny in Florida]

Not sure what is getting to me. I've been feeling generally down for a couple of weeks (actually had to tell my daughter that I am just not up to chatting on the phone for a little while, since that is one of the things that introverted me finds draining when I'm already at low ebb), but the last couple of days have been even worse. And today I am deeply into the self-pity pit.

Let me say up front that I'm not looking for advice here. And please -- with all respect -- know that I will freely ignore any responses that suggest I count my blessings, remind me that others have it worse than I do, expound the wonders of gratitude journaling or in any similar way tell me to "cheer up." I've been trying to dig my way out of the most difficult depressive episode of my life for over two years now, with the help of various medical professionals and multiple therapists and counselors. 

I'm doing all the right things: Trying to take care of myself physically, getting outside for exercise, exploring new interests and hobbies, seeing a counselor, etc. I have a few weeks at a time when, with a conscious effort, I can perform the part of someone whose life doesn't suck. But I seem to have just run out of energy and motivation to do it right now.

I'm trying to focus on work, but my brain just keeps tossing these little emotional grenades in my path. 

I hate this feeling so much.

 

Anybody else having a bad time and want to vent? I promise to "listen" without judgment and not to try and artificially jolly you out of it.

Edited January 26, 2022 by Jenny in Florida

[MEmama]

@Jenny in Florida I wish I could give you a big hug! Sending you virtual hugs instead…❤️

[Rosie_0801]

Life is pretty dumb a lot of the time.

[mommyoffive]

Oh man.  I am sending you some hugs.

  I am not doing well right now either.  It stinks.  It is a bunch of things not just one.  And for me I think it is the last 2 years have gotten me to such a lower point because of all the stress, sadness, and loss.  And then it is just other stuff on top of that.  I am crying a few times a day.  And I normally get down in January and Feb. because I hate winter weather.

I don't have any advice, because all the things that you are supposed to do aren't really doing anything for me either.  

[Kassia]

Big hugs to you.  I'm sorry you are feeling this way.  

I've been venting here a lot in the past 7 weeks or so and have received so much support - it's definitely been a very dark time for me.  

I wish I had something to say that would help but I just want you to know that I care very much.  I hope someone else here can contribute something wiser and more helpful.

ETA - @mommyoffive we were posting at the same time and I wanted to say the same for you as I did to Jenny.  You've been so wonderful and supportive of me - I hate that you are struggling too.  

 

Edited January 26, 2022 by Kassia

[Spryte]

I’m sorry things are so rough right now. Sometimes life sucks.

[matrips]

I find the cold, rain, and clouds here in Florida this past week or more helping to make that blah, don’t want to do anything feeling.  Maybe give yourself permission to relax/indulge for a bit, and not stress about it.  The sun will be back by next week, and maybe that will help bump you out of it.  A friend of mine with depressive episodes definitely struggles more in the winters.

[fraidycat]

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. 💕

[regentrude]

I am sorry you're having such a difficult time. Hugs.

[JustEm]

Hugs. I've been struggling just above the brink of a deep depression for a few weeks. I can't bring myself to take care of myself to try to feel better because I've been non-stop caring for sick kids since Jan 3rd. I'm just too exhausted to care

[TravelingChris]

19 minutes ago, matrips said:

I find the cold, rain, and clouds here in Florida this past week or more helping to make that blah, don’t want to do anything feeling.  Maybe give yourself permission to relax/indulge for a bit, and not stress about it.  The sun will be back by next week, and maybe that will help bump you out of it.  A friend of mine with depressive episodes definitely struggles more in the winters.

Yep. Not in Florida but in neighboring state.  I was doing so poorly w gloomy weather just adding to  my issues and laying on depression.  And since we are heading for more gloom coming, I will be there again soon.

Many hugs to you, Jenny..  Sometimes life just really sucks.  

[Anne]

I'm so sorry you're having a rough time - praying for you, Jenny!

Anne

[Jaybee]

I'm sorry, Jenny and all who are struggling through these difficult days. It's really hard right now, with covid and other things that have turned our lives more upside down. Thinking of you all. And thanks to you all for how you have enriched and continue to enrich my life with your provocative questions and thoughts on life. I wish so much that you were not having these dark days.❤️

[Annie G]

I’m sorry you’re having a rough time.  Sometimes even though you’re doing the ‘right’ things, your brain still misbehaves. Hope you feel better soon.

[lauraw4321]

Antidepressants keep me from feeling the way you describe all the time. So I absolutely get it. And I absolutely hate the “it could be worse” because then I get to feel guilty for feeling sad and hopeless on top of feeling sad and hopeless. 
 

Gentle hugs to you. 

[elegantlion]

I'm sorry you're having a challenging time. 

I remember the angst of February when I was actively homeschooling - we're close enough to February now. Over the years, we've had some many threads here about the perils of February. I wonder if that's just true of non-homeschooling times as well. 

Since you offered, I will also vent. In the beginning of January I was in the ER for a new diagnosis of diverticulitis. I'm still recovering after a round of antibiotics. Added to that, I've been dealing with a work issue that has left me more stressed than I've been in the last two years. Hopefully it's resolved but I've lost two weeks of time where I needed to focused on more important things. 

Edited January 26, 2022 by elegantlion

[Laura Corin]

I'm sorry things are so tough, @Jenny in Florida

[KidsHappen]

I will offer you some advice that one of my doctors gave me that I have found helpful in times of depression. I am bipolar so I just get depressed sometimes even when I am doing everything right. It's just the nature of the beast.

So my doctor has told me to just accept it and treat if the same as if were any other illness. For instance, if you had the flu you would accept that and retire to bed to rest and recuperate as much as possible. Allow yourself to do the same when you are depressed.

There have been times in my past when I just retired to my room to read, marathon watch tv, crochet or some other mindless activity to distract me. I am an extreme introvert and the pressure to be on for other people sometimes creates extra stress for me so I interacted with people as little as possible and just kind of lived my life to my own rhythm until I felt a little better.

I am sorry you are going through this and I hope as spring returns maybe that will help you turn the corner on what has been a really rough passed year.

[Jenny in Florida]

42 minutes ago, lauraw4321 said:

Antidepressants keep me from feeling the way you describe all the time. So I absolutely get it. And I absolutely hate the “it could be worse” because then I get to feel guilty for feeling sad and hopeless on top of feeling sad and hopeless. 
 

Gentle hugs to you. 

Thanks.

I tried a few different medications when this first hit hard a couple of years ago. Unfortunately, I reacted very badly and developed neurological symptoms that landed me in the hospital. Even after being weaned off the last of the meds, I experience occasional tardive dyskinesia, especially on days when I am extra tired, extra anxious or have had to talk a lot. Every now and then, my therapist suggests trying again, but I'm honestly terrified to go there.

[Jenny in Florida]

@elegantlion I'm sorry you're struggling with health issues, also. It makes everything worse when you also feel lousy physically.

[mominco]

(((hugs))) Jenny and everyone having it rough 

[Jenny in Florida]

41 minutes ago, KidsHappen said:

So my doctor has told me to just accept it and treat if the same as if were any other illness. For instance, if you had the flu you would accept that and retire to bed to rest and recuperate as much as possible. Allow yourself to do the same when you are depressed.

My therapist also encourages me to remember that depression is illness just like anything else.

Unfortunately, my life doesn't allow space for unlimited or extended sick days. I have a job I have worked hard to get/create that requires my attention Monday through Friday on a more or less traditional 9-5 schedule and other responsibilities that have to be taken care of as part of a regular routine. 

Plus, I don't know, I don't actually find resting to be terribly helpful. One of the things I've discovered and that I'm working with my therapist to accept is that most of the things about my life that make me unhappy are not things I can control or change. And they are all just lurking there waiting to intrude any time I'm not busy enough to ignore them. 

I've also tried over the last several years to explore what "self-care" or recuperation looks like for me. So many of the things that fed my soul in years past are over or, for one reason or another (including health stuff), no longer available to me, but I haven't yet discovered anything to take their place. So, when I'm not busy with responsibilities, I often just don't know what to do with myself. I end up with free time on my hands, and, well, see above.

Edited January 26, 2022 by Jenny in Florida

[Melissa Louise]

Depression sucks.

Sorry you are in a bad place. 

[Carol in Cal.]

I’m sorry you feel this way.  I wondered when I saw your cherish post.  Hugs to you.  I wish there was something I could do to help.

[wintermom]

I'm sorry you're in this funk (for lack of a better word). It must be especially frustrating knowing that you are doing all the right things and things are still not great. 

I understand (at least partially) the balance of resting and still working. I had to do that during my recovery from Covid (still am to a certain degree as this drags on). There is only so many hours one can "veg" before boredom and other stuff makes you feel even worse. However, I wasn't able to work to full capacity, and now some deadlines are looming and I hope I can reach them. Oh, and the stinkin' cold weather doesn't help my mood. I can't escape outside to my "happy places" for long.

 

Edited January 26, 2022 by wintermom

[aggie96]

Just know you are not alone. I'm in the throws of grief-driven depression that is feeling alot like postpartum depression that I needed medical help to overcome years ago. Only now, I have no medical help, no family (who are all grieving also), more responsibility, an even worse marriage, and kids that can tell (putting lots of pressure on trying to "appear" ok). Plus I need to nurse them through their grief (especially DD16). And my mom through her grief. And my brother through his grief. And take over lots of responsibilities from the deceased. Etc Etc etc etc etc etc...

And I finally in desperation reached out to DH an hour ago to just get a hug or sympathy or a reassuring word, or something. Instead I got, we should just hire someone you can supervise to do your job. Great...thanks...not helpful or needed. Through tears (which very out of norm for me) I gently remark that that is not what I meant and I'm left with "wish we could have a grown-up conversation". Yep...I wish we could have a kind one...so here I am.

Your post clearly resonated. I'm thankful for that.

[Harriet Vane]

So sorry, Jenny. Warm hugs.

I enjoy your presence here. 

[Jenny in Florida]

@aggie96 I'm so sorry. You've got so much on your plate when you are already trying to cope with your own sadness. I know how much worse it can make things to allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to ask for help and get exactly not what you need.

If a virtual hug from my part of the world would help, you are more than welcome to one.

[ktgrok]

Could it be the weather? It has been SO gloomy lately! Have you tried a light box?

Other indications of it being a symptom of SAD are craving carbs and a shift in sleep cycle - insomnia at night and sleepy during the day. 

Edited January 26, 2022 by ktgrok

[aggie96]

I'm really sorry for all those struggling, too. 

 

[Jenny in Florida]

7 minutes ago, ktgrok said:

Could it be the weather? It has been SO gloomy lately! Have you tried a light box?

Other indications of it being a symptom of SAD are craving carbs and a shift in sleep cycle - insomnia at night and sleepy during the day. 

I'm sure the drippy, grey weather isn't helping, but this bout started to settle in a couple of weeks ago. (Insomnia is pretty much chronic for me, has been for probably a year. That hasn't changed.)

[Ditto]

2 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Life is pretty dumb a lot of the time.

Well isn't that the truth!   I never thought of it that way but you are spot on.

[Ditto]

I hear you @Jenny in Florida.      I feel this all in my bones.    

[Ditto]

15 minutes ago, ktgrok said:

Could it be the weather? It has been SO gloomy lately! Have you tried a light box?

Other indications of it being a symptom of SAD are craving carbs and a shift in sleep cycle - insomnia at night and sleepy during the day. 

Do you have/know of a light box that isn't sky high expensive but is effective?

[lauraw4321]

1 hour ago, Jenny in Florida said:

Thanks.

I tried a few different medications when this first hit hard a couple of years ago. Unfortunately, I reacted very badly and developed neurological symptoms that landed me in the hospital. Even after being weaned off the last of the meds, I experience occasional tardive dyskinesia, especially on days when I am extra tired, extra anxious or have had to talk a lot. Every now and then, my therapist suggests trying again, but I'm honestly terrified to go there.

I hear you. I'm so sorry. I hate some of the side effects I have. I hate that if I skip a dose I get so dizzy that I have to lie down. I hate that I'm likely stuck taking pills for the rest of my life. I wish there were better solutions. It feels like we basically have the medical equivalent of leeches at this point. 

Maybe you can find a really distracting book or tv show. That sometimes helps me. 

[regentrude]

14 minutes ago, Ditto said:

Do you have/know of a light box that isn't sky high expensive but is effective?

I and DD have this one:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07TD96K5T/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1

I do find it helps.
However, I found reorganizing my workday/workspace to have massive amounts of natural light and direct sunshine, plus spending as much time as possible outdoors, even more effective.

Edited January 26, 2022 by regentrude

[Jenny in Florida]

22 minutes ago, regentrude said:

I do find it helps.
However, I found reorganizing my workday/workspace to have massive amounts of natural light and direct sunshine, plus spending as much time as possible outdoors, even more effective.

Sun/natural light are important to me, too.

I have my desk set up right next to/under the window in my home office, and I keep the sheer curtains open pretty much always. I walk for 45-60 minutes outside every morning, unless the weather interferes. I take the dog outside and, when I have time, go around the block at least a few times a day. Weekends I do even more outside time. 

Edited January 26, 2022 by Jenny in Florida

[happi duck]

Many (hugs)

[Eos]

2 hours ago, Jenny in Florida said:

And they are all just lurking there waiting to intrude any time I'm not busy enough to ignore them. 

This.  I'm so sorry.  

[livetoread]

I've been struggling the last few days. The world, and in particular our country, feels dark and threatening to me right now. I feel more hostility when I'm out in public and notice more people running red lights and honking at each other. I don't want to read the news because it feels bad, and as a news junkie, that's very strange for me. Almost any business I interact with screws something up. The grocery store is often missing something. It's not like everything is crumbling - more like everything is just wobbling a bit.  It could very well be that it's my perceptions in some cases that have shifted, not reality, but I don't like it. I'm generally a realist tilting optimistic, but I'm not sure I am anymore. I am not depressed but I do think my lens through which I view things has clouded, and I feel off kilter. I hope it shifts back to my normal soon and I hope you can bob back up from this wave pushing you under soon as well.

[regentrude]

40 minutes ago, livetoread said:

I've been struggling the last few days. The world, and in particular our country, feels dark and threatening to me right now. I feel more hostility when I'm out in public and notice more people running red lights and honking at each other. I don't want to read the news because it feels bad, and as a news junkie, that's very strange for me. Almost any business I interact with screws something up. The grocery store is often missing something. It's not like everything is crumbling - more like everything is just wobbling a bit.  It could very well be that it's my perceptions in some cases that have shifted, not reality, but I don't like it. 

No, I don't think it is just your perception. Many, many people are sick. Businesses are short staffed. The people who are working are more stressed because they have to pick up the slack. And that extends into every field. Stores have supply chain issues. People are tense because they are constantly in danger of being infected by somebody who doesn't give a crap. This pandemic is bringing out the worst in people, and I don't like what I see. 

[Elizabeth86]

Feel free to vent all you want. 
 

I have been lazy AF and unmotivated lately and I HATE how I’ve not been using my time wisely. Hate it! I just can’t get it together. I’m making bad choices daily. 🤪My house is chaos, school never goes as planned, never know what’s for dinner.

[BlsdMama]

Jenny,

I ache for you. 😔 Praying. 

[Pam in CT]

I'm sorry.

 

6 hours ago, Jenny in Florida said:

... I have a few weeks at a time when, with a conscious effort, I can perform the part of someone whose life doesn't suck....

Yes, this.

(( hugs ))

[Loowit]

I am sorry.  I wish I could help.

I am having a really hard time right now with depression.  It is hard to get out of bed every morning.  I have two kids with severe anxiety that need my help, so my energy goes into that.  My other kid has joined the military and is at boot camp and we can only communicate by letters.  I worry so much about the current tensions with other countries.  I am so proud of my son, but I don't want him to have to go to war.

[Scarlett]

7 hours ago, Jenny in Florida said:

 

I'm trying to focus on work, but my brain just keeps tossing these little emotional grenades in my path. 

I hate this feeling so much.

 

Anybody else having a bad time and want to vent? I promise to "listen" without judgment and not to try and artificially jolly you out of it.

Yes.  Yes I am.  Unfortunately it is not something I can vent about.  But the grief is so intense that if I don't stay ahead of it  I become completely overwhelmed by it.  I literally feel like I am trying to out run it.  
 

So I am sorry.  I know it sucks.  

[mum]

36 minutes ago, Loowit said:

I am sorry.  I wish I could help.

I am having a really hard time right now with depression.  It is hard to get out of bed every morning.  I have two kids with severe anxiety that need my help, so my energy goes into that.  My other kid has joined the military and is at boot camp and we can only communicate by letters.  I worry so much about the current tensions with other countries.  I am so proud of my son, but I don't want him to have to go to war.

Marine momma here. I remember those letters-only day. So difficult. We were travelling at the time and I remember going into random churches and cathedrals and lighting a candle and just sitting there. The Marine community is a good one, and we all understand deep in our bones. Upholding you today.

Jenny in Florida I, too, am feeling low. Thank you for sharing how you feel. It encourages me that I'm not alone. And I don't know how to make your username appear in blue like I see others can. And I'm too tired to figure it out. But hugs and best wishes to you. 

[Catwoman]

3 hours ago, mum said:

Marine momma here. I remember those letters-only day. So difficult. We were travelling at the time and I remember going into random churches and cathedrals and lighting a candle and just sitting there. The Marine community is a good one, and we all understand deep in our bones. Upholding you today.

Jenny in Florida I, too, am feeling low. Thank you for sharing how you feel. It encourages me that I'm not alone. And I don't know how to make your username appear in blue like I see others can. And I'm too tired to figure it out. But hugs and best wishes to you. 

If you want to tag Jenny in your post, all you have to do is type the @ symbol, followed immediately (no space) by her username, and as you're typing, a little pop-up list will appear and you can choose her name from it and click on it. As soon as you do that, it will look like this: @Jenny in Florida

Let me know if that doesn't make sense, and I'll try to do a better job of explaining it to you!  🙂 

[mum]

10 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

If you want to tag Jenny in your post, all you have to do is type the @ symbol, followed immediately (no space) by her username, and as you're typing, a little pop-up list will appear and you can choose her name from it and click on it. As soon as you do that, it will look like this: @Jenny in Florida

Let me know if that doesn't make sense, and I'll try to do a better job of explaining it to you!  🙂 

Thank you!

[Grace Hopper]

I am sorry you are having such an extended difficult season. I have followed your posts and want to tell you that I admire your level of self-awareness. To follow through with doing all the right things takes energy and effort - that’s good work on your part. I hope that one day soon you will find yourself walking in the sun again. 
 

Right now I have one adult child that my heart hurts for. This one is a terrific person but struggles with things that I cannot fix. I am hurt, sad, frustrated and simply pissed off all at the same time. Does being a parent ever cease to be exhausting?