Are you the parent you thought you'd be?

[Night Elf]

Now that my kids are all young adults, I'm looking back at my parenting years and wondering if I ended the way I began. I actually changed my parenting style while my kids were young. I went from expecting obedience and children with perfect manners to a radical unschooling type parenting. I changed my expectations and my kids reacted favorably. They didn't become unruly or entitled. They never got the 'gimmees'. They were well behaved. It was a good change for us. I'm interested in seeing how they parent their own children.

[Southern Ivy]

Nope. I thought I'd be a whole lot better at it and that we'd have a happy little picturesque home. HAHA Not even close. We're a hot mess, honestly. 
But, I'm sure the next 6 years will see changes and growth...and hopefully, we'll slow down on some of the 'hot mess' aspects. 

[marbel]

7 minutes ago, Southern Ivy said:

Nope. I thought I'd be a whole lot better at it and that we'd have a happy little picturesque home. HAHA Not even close. We're a hot mess, honestly. 
But, I'm sure the next 6 years will see changes and growth...and hopefully, we'll slow down on some of the 'hot mess' aspects. 

 

Yeah, that is what I had pictured too.  Mine are grown and we still don't have that calm, lovely home.  

I can look back and see where I fell short of what'd I'd imagined, and where we surpassed my expectations. It's very easy to have expectations of parenthood before there are actually children to parent. That's why people without kids know so much, LOL.  So far my kids have survived and have even thrived in some areas, though there are some areas which could still use some improvement.  

[Pawz4me]

Maybe? IDK.

I've never bought into "styles" or philosophies about much of anything, and certainly not something as complicated as parenting. We were never into the obedience crap. Who wants Stepford children? Ick.  Mostly we just played it by ear, tried to treat them with respect, expected them to treat us the same, and tried to do the best we could at the moment. And likely we benefited from a great deal of sheer good luck. They're both good young men who have never been in trouble, seem to be happy (although that  can be a bit tricky to tell for sure with DS19, who is on the spectrum) and still seem to enjoy spending time with us. So . . . yeah, I guess I'm pretty darn happy with how our parenting experiment has turned out. 

[Meriwether]

Nope. I am not my mom, which is a shame for my kids.

[Murphy101]

My life in general is nothing at all like I thought it would be when I started this parenting gig.

But I don’t think I’ve done too badly by them. They don’t seem to think so either.

And I’m honest with them that my younger children don’t have the same mom my oldest ones had. It’s not good or bad.  It’s just the reality of aging.

[gardenmom5]

yes and no.

I came from a family where "sibling rivalry and favoritism" was actively cultivated. not only is it destructive of relationships, it exacerbated all the underlying dysfunctions many times.

so - yes I succeeded in motherhood as I hoped -  my adult children all love each other, and have fun together. that was actually the most important thing to me from the beginning - that they love each other.  and in those words.  (second was not repeat my childhood.)  they talk to each other because they want to, and about serious things.  they "play" together.   and despite a big age difference between dudeling and the rest - they all still love him and do age appropriate things with him.

my next one was  education.  my girls have graduated college, and own their own homes.  my boys are finishing up their jr years of college (took them longer to figure out what they wanted to do.  thought it was going to kill me at times.).  all of them with marketable skills capable of providing comfortable support for a family.

and no -in that I thought I'd have financial stability and be able to encourage my kids to music lessons, a sport, and foreign language... .then we had financial setbacks galore, I started having health problems which  sapped my energy to be functional, a child developed a health problem that took several years to resolve,  kids with learning disabilities  - all things that required adaptation to living with the reality.

my girls were the only ones who stuck with an instrument.   dd has barely touched her piano - or 2dd her viola.  2dd was my athlete - she hikes, and got 2ds to do an overnight hike last summer at yosemite.  he'll do it, just not take the initiative on his own. . .. 

I'm trying to get dudeling to persevere with swimming, and he's somewhat cooperative, but it's still pretty slow - I figure I'll encourage those things with my grandchildren.

but hey - life is what happens while you make other plans . . . . . . .

 

eta: I grew up with little to no, (my mom couldn't decide if she was agnostic or not.- I understand why she rejected my grandmother's idea of religion. technically, I did too.) to very out there religious training. - for several years we attended a unitarian congregation -  that made all the other unitarian congregations we visited during that time look downright conservative.  (it's also where my brother was introduced to pot - by adults.)

I made the choice to become LDS - raised my kids in it, and they are all practicing members because they want to be. - so that's another thing in which I consider myself successful as a mother.

[DawnM]

2 hours ago, Murphy101 said:

My life in general is nothing at all like I thought it would be when I started this parenting gig.

 

 

Yeah, that is me too. 

I have a spec. needs son who changed the way I parented more than anything else.  I am far more understanding and less rigid than I used to be.  I still have my moments, but it changed me.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Yes. But I never expected perfection of me or my kids. I have always been pretty comfortable in my skin as a mother. 

[Soror]

The kind of parent I thought I'd be has evolved from before kids until now. It is continuing to evolve. Sometimes I am a better parent than I hoped, sometimes worst. Mostly I think I do right by my kids. None of us are going to be perfect and ideals are just that, ideals, the unattainable. 

[BarbecueMom]

Not sure I even knew what I was getting into as far as parenting.

I will say that I am far, far, FAR worse with other people's kids than I ever expected.  All those people who told me, "It'll get better when you have your own kids," wow were they wrong.

[Robin M]

Not at all.  My parents were strict - Dad in the military and mom a stay at home mom. When my sisters started having kids, I thought I knew it all and momma'ed their kids.  Once I had my own child, I apologized to my sisters because I had been totally clueless.  With a special needs child, all expectations fell by the wayside and we learned as we went along.  What would work one year, didn't work the next.  I learned so much about life and how not to sweat the small stuff. What ever phase we were in, people would say, he'll grow out of it.  May have taken longer than some, but he would and we'd jump into the next fire wondering how'd we make it through. He's about to graduate high school and so much has changed.  Like Soror said, we evolve as our kids evolve. Parenting is a never ending process and there isn't a one size fits all method.  

[fairfarmhand]

No. But then I didn’t expect to have the kids I ended up with either. ?

[JustEm]

Sometimes I'm the parent I thought I'd be, other times I feel like I fall short. 

[Guest]

My philosophies have changed with time. In the very earliest time before I had kids, I did not think I would be a SAHM, let alone one of those wacky, skirt-wearing homeschoolers! Well, then things changed and I became a SAHM, then a homeschooler in the attachment parenting/unschoolish direction. But as time went by, I became more structured. I also came to believe that a lot of poor parenting was coming out of the AP and unschool camp and so, by the time my youngest was born, I couldn’t really say I followed any of the AP or unschool philosophy. 

In other ways, I think I am the parent I set out to be from the very beginning. I intended to treat my children respectfully; I planned to nurture them as they are; I planned to be very invested in them. With the caveat that the idea of being one’s children’s friend has been quite heavily denigrated, I nevertheless set out to have a strong, friendly relationship with my kids. So far, that seems to have panned out. I do not have a close, friendly relationship with my parents and I believe it is because they were always into the authority thing, so I wanted and hoped for something different with my kids. Opposite. That seems to be panning out at present. 

[wintermom]

I think I was better at being a mother to young children. My dh is amazing with teens, and thank heaven for that! I can't keep up with either the teen-boy lingo, their up and down energy levels or their appetites! ?

[Donna]

Life did not turn out at all like I had envisioned it would be when I was dreaming about parenthood or pregnant with my first...not in a bad way, though. Each of my kids needed an entirely different style of parenting. How three children growing up in the same home can be so different is beyond me!

When I dreamed being a parent prior to having kids, I don't think I ever dreamed about kids beyond the age of 10 or so. LOL  

I can say I gave my kids my all every single day and made the best choices I knew how to make. I think most parents try to do that.

Our lives ended up being much more than I could have imagined. I have enjoyed most of the twists and turns but also had some I did not enjoy. Many of them, I did not see coming at all. 

I am not the same person I was 20+ years ago. I continue to learn and grow every day. 

[lavender's green]

The first book I ever read on anything even close to parenting was actually TWTM, so that really influenced my parenting dreams. I'm not sure which edition it was, but I've since read reviews that it was a little...idyllic. And yeah, we've totally had days where the kids re-create the Battle of Trafalgar while listening to a selection of John Philip Sousa, then we wind down with poetry tea-time and homemade cookies, build an Egyptian Pyramid out of the sugar cubes and then pore over all our Ancient Egypt books while we're at it, then build things out of waldorf modeling beeswax while the kids absolutely BEG for more vocabulary work. Like, literally, we did all those things all day, one day last January. But mostly I'm overwhelmed about dealing with so many people's needs, stressed from never being alone, worried I'm not doing enough (and there are some areas where, after careful non-emotional consideration, I'm truly not doing enough). Then I start to yell, and that was never, ever, in my parenting plan. I'm concerned about the future from the number of DH's co-workers, white collar professionals, whose teens and young adults have wound up in jail. That's never part of anyone's parenting dream, and there's no reason to think we're immune.

So, I guess, yes and no. I've loosened up in some areas, and I've become more strict in others. I've dreamed and re-dreamed and even let go of some dreams. I've come to see that I have to parent the kids in front of me, not my near-perfect pre-parenting kids. I still have a long way to go.

[Targhee]

I am not, because my children are not the children I’d thought they’d be. That is t bad, just different. Oldest three are like their dad, ADHD, silly, in the moment.  The youngest is more like me - long-term thinker, pragmatic, intentional.  But I’m too far into parenting to really change much.

[Knock]

I've always been intuitive, so I would answer: Yes, I'm the parent I thought I would be (owing to my strengths and weaknesses and general personality.) But that is not to say that I am the parent I could be, or maybe even the parent I ought to be. Literally, though, I'm the parent I thought I would be.

The surest way for me to answer is to say that I learned from my own parents, who had a lot, a lot, a lot of kids. I love being from a very large family, but I always knew I could not, and would not, parent a large brood of my own. I am not the best of my mother, nor the best of my father. Fortunately I am also not their worsts. I did have more children than I was expecting to, but the spacing has been enough that I'm able to mostly manage, and our careers have allowed us to remain close to family so I have a lot of support. I'm able to be the parent I ought to be because I limited my family size, because of miracle spacing, and lucky career breaks. 

I parent the same way my parents parented us, just tweaked with my own personality quirks. And so far, all of my sisters and brothers parent pretty much the same, which makes it easy to remain a close extended family. I've seen some families where parenting styles are so different that it makes family gatherings difficult or uncomfortable. We've never really subscribed to parenting theories as such, and just basically do what has always been done in our family. It seems to churn out mostly decent people.

[Katy]

I decided the kind of parent I wanted to be when I was 5.  Not like my mother.  And I am.  My methods change based on the needs of an individual child at the time, but who I am hasn't.  And I've always been pretty comfortable in my own skin, as a parent and otherwise.

[wendyroo]

Yes. 

I put my parents on a pretty high pedestal, so following their example was always my plan.  I feel that for my part I have succeeded in that goal so far. 

Unfortunately, my kids are VERY different than my parents' kids.  My mom and I (and my dad and DH and the pediatrician and the psychologist and the therapist and the outsourced teachers and on and on) often brainstorm how to handle some of my kids' most challenging behaviors and frequently none of us have any effective solutions.

Overall I think I am the parent I planned and hoped to be.  I certainly fall short in some areas (getting kids outside enough and finding the will to potty train the youngest to name two), but in more areas I feel my kids' challenges have pushed me to be a better parent than I thought I would be. 

HOWEVER, there is a huge disconnect, because my parenting has in no way led to the outcomes that I thought it would.  Before I had kids, I assumed that putting my heart and soul and elbow grease into parenting, like my parents did, would lead to strong bonds between myself and my children, a generally positive home environment, and relatively happy, cooperative children.  I now know that even outstanding parenting can only get you so far when you are dealing with children with mental health challenges, and that some things that other families take for granted are simply unattainable for us no matter how hard we work for them.

Wendy

[RootAnn]

7 hours ago, Meriwether said:

Nope. I am not my mom, which is a shame for my kids.

I'm not my mom and that's a great thing for my kids. I tell them I love them. They know I do. They love me back even when they don't like me. That's a huge win in my book.

I actually didn't think I'd be a parent (other than my young girl idea of being a surrogate) until my first serious boyfriend. But, I never got past naming my imaginary two girls and one boy.

I knew a lot more about raising kids before I had one of my own. Now that I have five kids, I realize how little I know.

Sometimes, I'm convinced that loving them is not enough. And that I'm short-changing them in some way by falling short in my parenting duties. I can tell you that I am so proud of my kids and how well they have done so far in life. I had no idea how proud I would be of my little people.

[SereneHome]

All I know is that I have never failed so badly in my life in anything as I feel I am failing at parenting.

When I was pregnant with my first, I saw a book "I was a really good mom...before I had kids".    That's pretty much me!

[SereneHome]

5 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

yes and no.

I came from a family where "sibling rivalry and favoritism" was actively cultivated. not only is it destructive of relationships, it exacerbated all the underlying dysfunctions many times.

so - yes I succeeded in motherhood as I hoped -  my adult children all love each other, and have fun together. that was actually the most important thing to me from the beginning - that they love each other.  and in those words.  (second was not repeat my childhood.)  they talk to each other because they want to, and about serious things.  they "play" together.   and despite a big age difference between dudeling and the rest - they all still love him and do age appropriate things with him.

my next one was  education.  my girls have graduated college, and own their own homes.  my boys are finishing up their jr years of college (took them longer to figure out what they wanted to do.  thought it was going to kill me at times.).  all of them with marketable skills capable of providing comfortable support for a family.

and no -in that I thought I'd have financial stability and be able to encourage my kids to music lessons, a sport, and foreign language... .then we had financial setbacks galore, I started having health problems which  sapped my energy to be functional, a child developed a health problem that took several years to resolve,  kids with learning disabilities  - all things that required adaptation to living with the reality.

my girls were the only ones who stuck with an instrument.   dd has barely touched her piano - or 2dd her viola.  2dd was my athlete - she hikes, and got 2ds to do an overnight hike last summer at yosemite.  he'll do it, just not take the initiative on his own. . .. 

I'm trying to get dudeling to persevere with swimming, and he's somewhat cooperative, but it's still pretty slow - I figure I'll encourage those things with my grandchildren.

but hey - life is what happens while you make other plans . . . . . . .

 

eta: I grew up with little to no, (my mom couldn't decide if she was agnostic or not.- I understand why she rejected my grandmother's idea of religion. technically, I did too.) to very out there religious training. - for several years we attended a unitarian congregation -  that made all the other unitarian congregations we visited during that time look downright conservative.  (it's also where my brother was introduced to pot - by adults.)

I made the choice to become LDS - raised my kids in it, and they are all practicing members because they want to be. - so that's another thing in which I consider myself successful as a mother.

 

Please PLEASE tell me how you achieved that

[alisoncooks]

I never really thought about what kind of parent I wanted to be...but my parents were pretty awesome and I'm failing miserably at living up to that standard. 

I've realized that I tend to let things slide (very much a "I'll worry about that tomorrow")...which my kids like, but I realize hasn't been the best for instilling in my kids the things that I value/envisioned. Mostly, I just feel too tired/burned out to give a !?$&, so I let it ride. And before I know it, another year is lost. 

[kiwik]

Not really.  But i pictured bringing my kids up in the environment where I grew up with extended family and free range.  And I wasn't planning to be a working, single and now homeschooling mum.

[Garga]

I vehemently, adamantly did NOT want children for 28 years.  And then suddenly I did.

I never much thought about what kind of parent I would be until I was one, because I didn’t think I would be a parent. It was really, really hard being a parent to little kids.  I loved them to pieces, but I don’t understand emotional illogic very well.  And small kids are little bundles of emotional illogic.  I was constantly struggling to figure out how best to guide them.

Now that they’re 15 and 13 I’m very pleased with how I parent, but I’ve taken a lot of time to learn different ways to parent and I put a lot of thought into it.  (And they don’t have mental health issues, which goes a long way.) 

I know a number of people who think that thinking about parenting is just silly.  They just let each day come as it comes.  But I parent deliberately and work hard on my relationship with the kids and work hard on trying to pass down what I know and to see them as real people.  I have too many friends who see their kids almost as pets or annoyances and not people.

So far, it’s working out well and I’m happy with the way things are going now, but it’s taken a long time to get here.  I have always been happy overall with how I parent, but it was hard when they were little for things not to spiral into total chaos.  

[gardenmom5]

1 hour ago, SereneHome said:

 

Please PLEASE tell me how you achieved that

hmm...

for starters - I spent a lot of nights on my knees, praying I could be a good mother.  praying I could help my children love each other.  I didn't just have to learn how to do it, I had to "unlearn" what not to do.

I treated each child as unique and of great worth to me - I absolutely didn't compare them to each other.  I treated them as individuals. I didn't allow them to put down a sibling, or fight.  (including dudeling, when he was three, screaming about how much he hated 2ds.  he wanted 2ds's name.  I'm serious.  he would tell people that was his name until he was six or seven.)  It really bothers me all the so-called experts that tell you to let kids fight out their disagreements.  what that ends up doing is teaching the less capable to express themselves child that they can be bullied by a sibling and their parent doens't care.

I encouraged them to be their best selves - and to be themselves.  they're not their sibling. 

I didn't require them to "do anything" to be loved, - they get that as a freebie.   I did take a bit too much pride of 1dd's accomplishments in front of my boys - who had learning disabilities - it did hurt their self image and probably contributed to how long it took for them to figure out how to be a successful student.   But, she was the type of student for which teachers would kill.  every subject was easy. 

every child needs, and deserves, to feel special, and cherished by their parents.

 

1 hour ago, Garga said:

I vehemently, adamantly did NOT want children for 28 years.  And then suddenly I did.

 

I know a couple women well enough to know - they didn't want children.  one finally decided to have one in her 30's, - becasue her dh wanted a child.  (he dotes on her.)  it still took her years and a couple miscarriages along the way.   when she showed up to a family get together - six months pregnant (her mother didn't know) - people were asking "what is the biggest news?" - that ___ is having twins?  or ___ is pregnant.  universally - it was ___ is pregnant.

another got up in church and announced "hell has frozen over, I'm pregnant"  (she thought that was the only way her mother would believe her) . ... it wasn't that the IVF worked, it's that she actually wanted a child enough to go through ivf after years of making it clear she didn't want any children.  (her dh has two adopted children from his first marriage.)

[Carrie12345]

No, thank goodness!

My test pancake was raised by What to Expect When Your Expecting, What to Expect the First Year, and What to Expect the Toddler Years.  This INTJ was going to raise a textbook child! 

And then I had babies 2 and 3 back to back while going through autism evaluations for #1.  I still read a ton of books (and the internet), but became more adept at finding things that made sense for me and calling BS on the rest.

My kids still consider me relatively strict/rigid/high standard, and there's definitely an element of all that in my personality but, knowing for myself how much I've changed, I think they're pretty nuts.  We have a very relaxed homeschool, they have a great deal of social freedom, my house is a disaster b/c we usually put experiences and then relaxation ahead of chores, and I have somehow come to believe that grades are inherently stupid.  We have very, very few hard-line rules, and they're mostly things like "Don't bring wild critters into the house" and "Don't paint the cat's fur."

I am a natural control freak, but I've mostly put that aside.  It does sometimes result in me blowing up for the silliest things possible, which is probably why they think I'm so strict.  I can't claim to have mastered this yet, lol.  But that's okay, because I still have 11 years before the youngest is 18!

[Guest]

7 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

hmm...

for starters - I spent a lot of nights on my knees, praying I could be a good mother.  praying I could help my children love each other.  I didn't just have to learn how to do it, I had to "unlearn" what not to do.

I treated each child as unique and of great worth to me - I absolutely didn't compare them to each other.  I treated them as individuals. I didn't allow them to put down a sibling, or fight.  (including dudeling, when he was three, screaming about how much he hated 2ds.  he wanted 2ds's name.  I'm serious.  he would tell people that was his name until he was six or seven.)  It really bothers me all the so-called experts that tell you to let kids fight out their disagreements.  what that ends up doing is teaching the less capable to express themselves child that they can be bullied by a sibling and their parent doens't care.

I encouraged them to be their best selves - and to be themselves.  they're not their sibling. 

I didn't require them to "do anything" to be loved, - they get that as a freebie.   I did take a bit too much pride of 1dd's accomplishments in front of my boys - who had learning disabilities - it did hurt their self image and probably contributed to how long it took for them to figure out how to be a successful student.   But, she was the type of student for which teachers would kill.  every subject was easy. 

every child needs, and deserves, to feel special, and cherished by their parents.

 

I know a couple women well enough to know - they didn't want children.  one finally decided to have one in her 30's, - becasue her dh wanted a child.  (he dotes on her.)  it still took her years and a couple miscarriages along the way.   when she showed up to a family get together - six months pregnant (her mother didn't know) - people were asking "what is the biggest news?" - that ___ is having twins?  or ___ is pregnant.  universally - it was ___ is pregnant.

another got up in church and announced "hell has frozen over, I'm pregnant"  (she thought that was the only way her mother would believe her) . ... it wasn't that the IVF worked, it's that she actually wanted a child enough to go through ivf after years of making it clear she didn't want any children.  (her dh has two adopted children from his first marriage.)

I really love everything you say here. I couldn’t agree more with not comparing the kids. I have also had the exact same scenario of having one child who garners academic honors easily and two children who struggle in that area. It is a fine line to walk, giving her due recognition for her hard work but not leaving the boys feeling inadequate. There were a few years in there when DS18 seemed to have a hard time with this, but he is much more confident and comfortable with himself now. 

It’s interesting; DS18 was recently having a philosophical conversation with me that went like this: “When I was born, what did you think were the things you hoped I would do. Were there things you hoped I wouldn’t do?” (I got the sense he meant like interests, not behavior.) I said that I never had a notion like, oh my son has to be great at sports or I hope my son would not be a quiet artist; for all my children my main goals were that they would be good people, that they would love to learn, that they would be kind and happy. I didn’t tell him this, but my own parents were the opposite and it harmed us all. My mom especially had definite ideas about what we should do and not do (interests, not behaviors). I agree that some sibling rivallry can come directly from this, as each kid tries to make him/herself look better than the others, competing for the parent’s acceptance and love. 

When it was time for my son to enter high school, I had a hard time swallowing what would now be paying tuition for two students at a private school. But the number one reason I wanted DS to attend the same school as DD for high school was that I wanted them to have that shared experience. I imagined them sitting at the table together, laughing and joking with each other like, “Oh, Mrs. K—-, she makes it her mission in life to make sure no girl’s skirt is above her knee!” And, “Mr. C——, if you write a paper on the negative fallout of slavery, you’ll get an A no matter how good or bad the paper is!” 

A few years later, after a meal, this exact scenario was happening between them. They were talking about all the funny things about that school and different people there. It almost brought tears to my eyes, honestly. It was exactly why I wanted them to have this in common. 

[fairfarmhand]

14 hours ago, StellaM said:

I was much more the parent I thought I'd be when the kids were little.  I was warm, I cultivated an atmosphere of education, I worked hard at providing all sorts of experiences and resources, I read to my kids so much, we snuggled a lot, I cooked them nourishing foods, I made sure they had plenty of time to play and create, I had firm boundaries around media.

I am pretty ambivalent about my parenting now. I don't think I do a terrible job, but I don't have an inner sense that I'm doing a great job either. I think it's because the challenges are greater, and my energy is less - partly because I'm older and more burned out on life, partly because I split my time between parenting, work and study. 

I second guess myself a lot more than, say, a decade ago.

I actually feel I have failed to be a good parent to teens and young adults. I feel they should have models of success to follow, and I can't say that I've been all that successful, other than getting my last degree.

I suppose I don't feel all that good about myself and my life, and that makes it hard to feel like you are the parent you want to be. Fat, ugly mommy who is patching together $ from various casual jobs, and no longer has a vocation of any kind is very different from pretty, slender mom who still has a hope of resuming her career, but chooses to lavish her life energy on full time mothering and schooling.

Well, that was cathartic, lol.

 

 

This is totally me. I will say that I’ve beem pleasantly surprised at how well I’ve been able to relate to and enjoy my teens and their friends. We have so much fun together! But I am still uncertain about how good of a mom I am. 

[Mimm]

No. I think when you are young, it's common to think you'll do everything perfectly. That it's possible to live up to your ideals. I had good ideals. I failed and failed to live up to them.

But still. I did ok. I probably did better than ok, but I'm dealing with challenges I never thought I could be dealing with and it's taken a toll on my self esteem and how I view myself as a mother.

I have a four year old. I'm a very good mother to her. But still not ideal.

[hippiemamato3]

No. I was a pretty perfect mom (lol) to my son at age 24 when I had him. I was confident and loving, attachment focused and joyous as his mother. 6 years later we adopted from foster care a 10 year old child who ended up having multiple mental illnesses and developmental disabilities. We knew none of this when we adopted him and it changed everything. We also adopted our DD from foster care the same year at age 1. I struggle as a mom now. I have regrets. I am still doing the best I can, but that "best" is nothing like what I had hoped, and nothing like what I planned. 

[Lecka]

My biggest unexpected thing has been the need to compromise with my husband as well as to have there be some things I would never choose, but that are his preference.

I didn’t realize to what extent my mom called the shots in my home.  

We had a situation where I was much younger than my siblings, and they would not accept any decision from my step-dad unless my mom backed it up.  Then that was just how it went, even though I was young enough I probably would have listened to him.  

However we went to marriage counseling and the marriage counselor told us nothing we disagreed about was a big deal at all, and we would cause more problems by arguing and not being on the same page than we would by anything we disagreed about.  

He thought all our areas of disagreement were ones where it was within normal parenting and wouldn’t matter whether it was one way or another.  

My husband’s parents were always rocky so he is similar, he didn’t have a lot of compromise and agreement modeled, but he wanted our kids to have parents who got along, so he compromises on a lot of things he does not like to compromise on, but with a low level of conflict it doesn’t seem to come up very much, which is what the marriage counselor thought would happen.  

Edit:  just for example with my step-dad, I have no memory of him ever telling me not to do something or to stop doing something.  He would say things like “I don’t think your mom would like that,” and I would think “well I don’t want him to go get my mom.”  She would not like it if I didn’t listen to my step-dad and then she would lecture me.  But I always would listen to my mom!

[Ausmumof3]

On 5/20/2018 at 3:12 AM, Southern Ivy said:

Nope. I thought I'd be a whole lot better at it and that we'd have a happy little picturesque home. HAHA Not even close. We're a hot mess, honestly. 
But, I'm sure the next 6 years will see changes and growth...and hopefully, we'll slow down on some of the 'hot mess' aspects. 

This!  So much this...

[SeaConquest]

I didn't want children until I was in my 30s, so I never grew up with dreams of being a parent. I wanted to be Secretary of Defense, and that didn't seem very compatible with motherhood. But, after I became disillusioned with legal practice, and biology kicked in, I entertained the idea of kids for the first time in my life. I guess, going into it at an older age, I really haven't had a lot of expectations for myself. I just try to go with the flow -- much more so than in my rigid younger days. At 43, and with a 9 and 4 year old, I know myself and my limits. Yeah, I'd love to be the fun, crafty, hands-on project kinda mom, but that just isn't me, and no sense beating myself up over it. We all have our gifts. 

I'm much more lenient than my parents, and I choose to pick my battles. But, I'm also much more focused on academics than my parents were. They're not intellectuals, and were too busy making money to take much of an interest in my schooling.

I wish I yelled less, and was less intense at times, but overall, I think things are going well with my kids. We will see once adolescence hits if they remain close to me. I was very secretive growing up, so it's hard for me to imagine kids actually talking to their parents about the big stuff. I hope they will, and I hope I handle it well. Little kids and big kids seem hard to me; I'm kind of in the sweet spot agewise at present, so I don't want to count my chickens and pat myself on the back too soon.

[sassenach]

I think part of the blessing and curse of being a teen mom is that I really didn't have elaborate visions of what I would be like as a parent. I think some of the principles we started with, we stuck with. We always wanted to have a parent home with our kids- both dh and I were left to our own devices too much, especially in high school. We set out to always be present with our kids and I think we accomplished that. Our approach has shifted a bit over the years. I think we choose our battles much more with the younger kids than we did with the eldest. But overall, I don't think the parents we are now are unrecognizably different than the parents we were at the beginning. 

Now the thing that's crazy different is what the experience *feels* like. I think we used to make it much more about us and a reflection of who we are. Now we realize that these kids are each their own humans, with their own junk, just like us. Our job is to muddle through together. 

[sassenach]

On 5/19/2018 at 10:47 AM, happysmileylady said:

I am a different parent as different children and ages require me to be.  I have a 22yr old a 9 yr old, a 7yr old with a diagnosis, all of them girls, and also a 5yr old boy.  They all have different needs and I adapt and adujust as I can.  One child may need a “sink or swim” sort of approach to something, whereas another might need two life jackets and to go into the water an inch at a time, a little bit each day.  It’s all different.  I don’t really have a philosophy of parenting to guide me, unless you consider “just do what needs to be done” counts as a philosophy

 

ETA: I got pregnant at 17.  At the time, I wasn’t spending time imagining what my life would be like as a parent...shoot, I wasn’t even imagining much beyond high school lol. Like most 17 yr olds.  So, when I got thrown into parenting, there was no “kind of parent I thought I would be.”

3

I said something close in my response!

[learning123]

On 5/19/2018 at 4:49 PM, StellaM said:

I suppose I don't feel all that good about myself and my life, and that makes it hard to feel like you are the parent you want to be. Fat, ugly mommy who is patching together $ from various casual jobs, and no longer has a vocation of any kind is very different from pretty, slender mom who still has a hope of resuming her career, but chooses to lavish her life energy on full time mothering and schooling.

And yet you know your children will always need a mama who loves them.

That's a comfort to me as my children age out of the littles and into the bigs, and there are no more chubby baby snuggles or preschool paint-a-thons.

Mamas are always beautiful for their love. As a wise old woman told me, "Love them! Oh, love them! Love them! How you must love them!"

What a wise mother! 

[learning123]

21 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

I treated each child as unique and of great worth to me - I absolutely didn't compare them to each other.  I treated them as individuals. I didn't allow them to put down a sibling, or fight. 

 

21 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

I didn't require them to "do anything" to be loved, - they get that as a freebie. 

Whistles and applause!

 

Sigh.

[learning123]

42 minutes ago, StellaM said:

In my heart of hearts I blame myself for my child's illness,

I do the same thing and then a voice in my heart says, "You proud snot. You think you are so important as to be the cause of all ills?" Can't win for losing can I? After all, it would be unsufferable snobbishness to blame anyone else. I don't think there is any winning in the blame game.

[gardenmom5]

1 hour ago, StellaM said:

 

Mental health crap does a real number of how we see ourselves as mothers.

I can tell other moms not to blame themselves till the cows come home; the fact remains that we will, and that self blame will often be reinforced by the blame coming from the medical profession, and parents who haven't had to deal, or who have dealt in different circumstances and in different ways.

In my heart of hearts I blame myself for my child's illness, and that not only colors the now, but changes my perception of the past. The good things I did as a mom of small people seem very insignificant, compared to the harm I assume myself to have caused in some way as yet unclear to me. 

I saw a meme the other day that just - yeah - showed what people really think. Something like 'you know you've done your job as a mom if your adult child is healthy and happy.'  Well, sucks to be a mom then if your adult child is not healthy and not happy. Fail.

Beeswax modelling and weekly storytelling sessions, and always making the soup from scratch and choosing the best books ? Pretty meaningless in the scheme of things.

 

 

 

those have been the worst for me.   the parents who have double income and a *very* comfortable life - and worked opposite shifts so there was no daycare (or else - very doting grandma, who lavished gifts on them.)   and the message I needed to buy "nicer" stuff. great people - I know their siblings and parents, but . . .please, get a clue.  we were dealing with layoff and prolonged unemployment - and being sent the message from real live people we needed to buy "stuff" - when we were waxing creative on how to buy basic necessities.

worse - I had multiple people repeatedly telling me my undiagnosed aspie's behavior was all my fault.  one would tell me I needed to take parenting classes at a particular place - at least once a week, for months . . . .   mind you, he was my fifth child - and my fourth child was older than their oldest!    I don't know what happened - but one of them, one day instead of telling me to take __ parenting classes - told me I was doing a great job.

the other one . . .. I vividly remember the day I was chatting with her husband (very nice guy, not nearly as judgmental as she) and told him of dudleing's aspie diagnoses, and the battery of tests at the major medical center to get it. . . he kept repeating "i didn't know that" - he looked shell shocked.  I know he told his wife, as she was very polite and nice always asking about him afterwards, - as though she was sincerely interested as opposed to telling me I was the source of all of his problems.  (in those words)  she never apologized - but her attitude certainly changed.

I fired my ped of 25 years . . . .who had a hissy and refused to examine a child who was terrified of the scale (it moves) becasue he wouldn't stand on it.

my aspie could make me feel like a failure a dozen times a day - he didn't need anyone else's help.  didn't matter what my other kids were doing.

[gardenmom5]

it was many years ago - I believe there are three types of kids.

those who are influenced for good or ill by their environment.

those who have something within themselves that will persevere through difficult times

and those . . . . . .

 

who will give the very best parents in the world a run for their money.

I think if we've sincerely, generally, done the best we can, we need to cut ourselves some slack.  I know I keep telling myself "i shoulda" this or that.

[gardenmom5]

1 minute ago, StellaM said:

 

"Cut self slack" - does not compute, lol

Just goes to show how influential parents can be...this is the legacy of years of (forgiven) verbal and physical abuse from my parent, which pretty much convinced me that no matter what I did, it was going to reflect my deep inadequacies as a person. 

I was the parent I wanted to be insomuch as I did not physically or verbally abuse any of them. So there's a tick.

I hear you.  my grandmother  was given much influence over us.  and nothing was ever good enough for her.  I'm where I am despite her.  took me decades to be able to believe God could love me - because of her.   my mother - was like a rebellious teenager, especially after my father's death when I was 12.  

neither grandmother stepped in to make sure their only grandchildren (I have zero cousins on either side) were having their needs met,or giving my mother regular respite - despite both living here.  my paternal grandmother blamed my mother for my father's dead, - and cut off her own grandchildren.  I can't imagine not supporting a widowed child with their minor children.  parenthood really is a two person job.

[Scarlett]

I have avoided this thread until now because hey with a kid graduating high school things are fresh and difficult and everything I ever thought or planned or did as a mother is now manifested in this kid.  

I had a chaotic life with an amazing resilent mother. I wanted non chaotic.  My life has been very different than my moms.  I thank her for that bcause she did a lot to pull us up and out of that mess. I could never have been the mom she was.  But I did ok.  My mom had 2 kids.....I am fairly stable....my brother is not.  She beats her self up for that....but really she did amazing things and she should,not feel guilty.  

I have a few deep deep regrets about my mothering.  Mostly in regard to my own failings and my lack of kindness and patience.  My son is ok though...so does that mean I did ok?  I hope so.  I think so.  He is a good kid.....good morals and good sense and smart and funny. He is a little high strung and a little intense....but hey so am I.  

There are a few situations I wish I could do over......but overall I did things the way I thought I should.  I am very happy that I went to great effort to continue as SAHM to him and that I protected him until he could protect himself.  

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

 

I’m not the exact parent I planned to be. I had to adjust my plan to parent the kids I have.  Over all, I like the parent I am.  I made some early choices I wish I hadn’t, but I learned and did better.  

[klmama]

4 minutes ago, PinkyandtheBrains. said:

 

I’m not the exact parent I planned to be. I had to adjust my plan to parent the kids I have.  Over all, I like the parent I am.  I made some early choices I wish I hadn’t, but I learned and did better.  

Yep.  I had to adjust my parenting plan, too.  The kids didn't fit into the tidy plan I envisioned, and I'm SO glad they didn't!  I am a better parent for accepting them as they are.  

[SKL]

Nope.  I thought I would be more strict and have more energy.  I was going to make sure my kids had excellent manners and lots of responsibility.  I was going to expose them to so much wonderfulness that they couldn't help being brilliant and talented.  My kids were definitely not going to have McDonald's for dinner multiple times in the same week.  (I more or less managed the above until my kids were school age.)

I don't have the energy to discipline every bad behavior out of existence, nor to fight about every nutrient and calorie, so I let a lot of things go ... and at the moment I can't say it looks pretty all the time.  But it isn't so bad that I don't have hope for the future.

[Tap]

No. Because my kid's needs outweighed my abilities. I had to choose one child's needs over another child's so often, that I think I royally screwed up one childhood, to protect the other.  There have been soooooo many sacrifices.  So much hurt and tears. So much emotional devastation.  I have often said that living in our home was like living in an abusive marriage. It was just a child inflicting the abuse, not the adult.  I have been diagnosed with PTSD from raising this child.  So no.....I am not the parent, nor even the person I thought I would be.

My older kids understand.  But it doesn't change the reality. I have often wondered if this constant turmoil and stress is part of the root of DD19s neurological, chronic health issue.