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What a messed up system! (a long vent)

jewellsmommy

By jewellsmommy,
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jewellsmommy

jewellsmommy

Posted
Posted (edited)

I just need to complain...to yell and stomp! I will need to delete this later -sorry. Thank you for any prayer support you have to offer. 

 

We need a better system for these kids and those desperately trying to help them.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited: info removed due to ongoing sensitive situation with a minor involved.

 

Thank you everyone! Y'all have made me feel supported, a little less alone, and given me some other things to consider!

I will update later.

Edited by jewellsmommy
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ILiveInFlipFlops

ILiveInFlipFlops

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There are no words for how messed up this whole thing is. I'm so, so sorry it has all gone this badly. I really hope that somehow it all works out, for you and your family as well as for him. I can't even imagine what the rest of that poor boy's life is going to look like. And, oh,  your poor DD :(

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: to all of you.

 

Edited by ILiveInFlipFlops
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Guest

Guest

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Oh man.

 

No you do NOT sound like anything other than smart, compassionate people.

 

What's happening, shouldn't be and I'm so sorry that it is.

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jewellsmommy

jewellsmommy

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Thank you. I have started to post before today, but stopped myself. I feel like I will look like a monster (letting a child be held in an institution for 20 months sounds like torture!). I hate to admit that 8 years ago I was that type of judgemental b!*ch that would have read this with skepticism and would have had a hard time accepting that such a broken child existed that adults would need to go to court to get protection from a child. I honestly thought that enough love, enough stability, enough therapy, the right meds, plus a good church means that you can heal any child. Of course I didn't know the evils of RAD then. 

 

 

ETA: Don't worry, God cured me of that type of thinking! I don't judge any parent for anything now (short of actual crimes)!

 

 

 

Edited by jewellsmommy
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jewellsmommy

jewellsmommy

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And...as if all this isn't bad enough...in my wacky can't-make-up-my-mind nature...I cried last night for like half an hour over losing the little boy that I never got to have, that I thought I would eventually have. Yeah, I'm a little screwed up  right now.

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nixpix5

nixpix5

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This is just crazy. I have no words for what you must be going through. Wow, just wow. It is stories like this that often cause people to become fatigued from doing foster care. When we were adopting internationally everyone kept saying "there are so many kids in foster systems why not adopt in the states" and this is why. Your story isn't unique. I heard it alot as a therapist. The state ties the hands and makes villains out of people trying to be a support to children they love while providing much patience for the families who abandoned them in the first place. I truly hope you find some relief and protection for your family while continuing to be a blessing to your son *hug*

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Denise in IN

Denise in IN

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Posted

Thank you. I have started to post before today, but stopped myself. I feel like I will look like a monster (letting a child be held in an institution for 20 months sounds like torture!). I hate to admit that 8 years ago I was that type of judgemental b!*ch that would have read this with skepticism and would have had a hard time accepting that such a broken child existed that adults would need to go to court to get protection from a child. I honestly thought that enough love, enough stability, enough therapy, the right meds, plus a good church means that you can heal any child. Of course I didn't know the evils of RAD then. 

 

 

ETA: Don't worry, God cured me of that type of thinking! I don't judge any parent for anything now (short of actual crimes)!

 

I'm so sorry for all you're going through with your son.  The system is set up to help, but inevitably the rules and laws and bureaucracy will stand in the way of some families receiving true help when they need it.  You've been through so much and given so much to help your son....I sincerely hope that the process will move forward so that he can receive what he needs and you can be safe!  I will be praying for your family.   :grouphug:

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Melissa in Australia

Melissa in Australia

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Awful

 

Awful

 

Awful

 

Hugs, hugs hugs

 

Sadly I can hear you loud and clear

 

The 8 year old we had earlier this year lasted less than 5 weeks in another foster home before being placed in a residential unit...... most of the kids in Ressi units get a little older them get sent to juvenile detention centres

Edited by Melissa in Australia
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jewellsmommy

jewellsmommy

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Ugh

 

And if you did bring him home they could take your dd from you for putting her in danger!

 

Absolutely! I would be no different from his bio mother who let predators into her home and then turned the other way! I can't do that to dd. It honestly won't even help him. If being in the home over 5 yrs didn't make a difference, then a few weeks or months more won't, KWIM?  It will only hurt her, psychologically for sure and possibly physically. If it comes down to it, the plan is that dd would move to my mom's house temporarily.

 

She used to have compassion for him and a desire to see him happy. She wanted him to be her brother, but all of that is gone  :crying: . She is scared of him and I honestly think she hates him now. There is no compassion anymore. I can't stand that she lost that! She is hardened. I know he tormented her, but for her sake, she needs to find that again.

 

She is sooo resistant to therapy for herself because she associates it with him and it has this whole image for her now. She cried and shut down completely when we took her in for a consult/eval type of appt. The psychologist was very disturbed by the way dd described herself and described him and his actions. Even the normal question about her thoughts or "have you ever..." got her upset because she thought they were accusing her of being like him and she kept insisting that she was a "good girl." It broke my heart. She flat out refused to go back.

 

But, she has agreed to give neurofeedback a try. I told her that it would help with the dysgraphia and school/testing, which is true. It absolutely will (Dd is 2e with very high perceptional reasoning, but quite low in processing speed.) They also do some traditional talk-based therapy at the same time, and I hope she will drop some of her guard and let it in. 

 

Two children who both need and deserve a loving family, but are competing interests! It makes me feel so selfish to prioritize my own dd over him. It makes me feel like a horrible mommy to have expected too much out of my poor baby girl. I have to keep telling myself that is OK to put her safety, security, and interests first! (I just wish that someone had done that for him when he was younger!!!!!  :crying: ) 

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jewellsmommy

jewellsmommy

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Awful

 

Awful

 

Awful

 

Hugs, hugs hugs

 

Sadly I can hear you loud and clear

 

The 8 year old we had earlier this year lasted less than 5 weeks in another foster home before being placed in a residential unit...... most of the kids in Ressi units get a little older them get sent to juvenile detention centres

 

I can't "like" your post, but thank you. I followed your few posts on the matter. I'm sorry it had to happen that way. It feels like throwing a child away doesn't it? It's an awful feeling. The double whammy is when you get a twinge of guilt for being so relieved by their absence. 

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Lang Syne Boardie

Lang Syne Boardie

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I am aghast at the wrongness and injustice of this situation. I know that no sympathy expressed can really help, so I'm offering the only potentially useful thing I can imagine:

 

If it seems the worst will happen and you must either bring him home or fight the order to do so, and dd is at risk no matter which course you follow, can you remove her to a safe and loving relative's house, preemptively? So they can't take her away because she's not with you, can't put her in foster care? I don't know the legalities but I'd be researching.

 

I know this is a terrible thing, to have to come up with such a plan, and it might still have a very bad impact on dd to have to leave you, or to know she's at risk. You could still lose a lot. But maybe if you have enough time to see the threats as they're starting to come true, you can get her to safety.

 

I'm so sorry.

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jewellsmommy

jewellsmommy

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I am aghast at the wrongness and injustice of this situation. I know that no sympathy expressed can really help, so I'm offering the only potentially useful thing I can imagine:

 

If it seems the worst will happen and you must either bring him home or fight the order to do so, and dd is at risk no matter which course you follow, can you remove her to a safe and loving relative's house, preemptively? So they can't take her away because she's not with you, can't put her in foster care? I don't know the legalities but I'd be researching.

 

I know this is a terrible thing, to have to come up with such a plan, and it might still have a very bad impact on dd to have to leave you, or to know she's at risk. You could still lose a lot. But maybe if you have enough time to see the threats as they're starting to come true, you can get her to safety.

 

I'm so sorry.

 

Yes. Thank you. This is where we are:

 

1.Bio mother couldn't be found to be served. So an ad has to be run for 4 weeks in the local paper before a judge can move on without her. Bio father has a guardian ad litem because he's incarcerated and that attorney was present today (he had the nerve to admonish me for arguing with the judge! I was aghast and embarrassed. The judge can speak for himself! I don't know who he thought he was.)

 

2.I have to call SS on Tuesday and see if they received the judge's request. The primary contact person is out of town til Monday. Back in January they wouldn't work me and said that they were not the agency to help me. They sent me to the CSB. They also didn't help. This is what I was explaining to the judge when the nasty attorney fussed at me.  :glare:  I have to see what they need from me at this point and get them contact info for ds's therapist.

 

3. CHeck with the clerk of court on tuesday to see if we have to refile under a different form.

 

4. Draw up and get notarized a Power of Attorney for my mom to take dd. Dd will go to her the second that this goes sideways.

 

Ds's Therapist is supposed to tell me in early September which way Medicaid is going with their decision. At that point I will have a week-ish (may be able to get an extension) to get the group home secured. At that point we will establish dd at my mom's. 

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jewellsmommy

jewellsmommy

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I'm so sorry.  I don't know if it's a solution, but could you call Chaddock in Quincy, Illinois?   I can't post links, but they might have resources.  RAD is their specialty.

 

 

Thank you. I just left a voice mail with the admissions dept. There is one question that I will likely be asked that usually precludes ds from admission (unless I can say he has completed a specialized program and been passed by a panel-which he hasn't). This is what makes finding a group home for him so difficult. Unless they have the ability to house a child in a single room (no sharing) then the only other option is for them to have successfully completed treatment.

 

But, i am checking anyway!

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kiwik

kiwik

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It is also quite fine to cry over what might and should have been and to grieve. You have tried and will keep on trying but he needs to be somewhere else and that is not because you didn't try hard enough it is because he was too severely broken for love to be enough.

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Guest

Guest

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What a complete, unfair mess for your whole family. I'd be screaming and throwing things :(. It should not be this hard to help one child AND protect another. My heart goes out to you and I'm praying you get some relief and don't get stuck with either abandonment charges OR a danger to your daughter. And I hope she gets some relief for her anxiety too. Prayers and hugs and chocolate to you Tammy :(

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