How long have you gone without seeing your parents?

[teachermom2834]

I am referring to living, non-estranged parents?

 

We have not seen MIL for 2 years and no visit on the horizon. While we are not close and we do not enjoy her company I still feel badly about this. She lives about a 14 hour drive away. Getting off work and hauling 4 kids that far and then having to pay for hotels, meals etc (can't stay with her and she wouldn't help with meals) would be a huge expense and not particularly fun. We could take a nice vacation cheaper and we only do that every 3-4 years.

 

It only makes sense for her to come to us. She has no money so that means we pay for plane ticket, and all meals. Also a hotel because we have no bathroom on the main level and she needs to go up about 5 stairs to use the bathroom. She says she can't do that the several times a night she goes. Meals are an issue more than just adding her to whatever we are doing. We eat kind of haphazardly. My kids don't eat breakfast. I might have a protein bar for lunch while little kids eat plain spaghetti and big kids catch something on campus. We don't really do three squares here so doing that for a week does add to the expense and frankly the pressure.

 

I am really torn about this. We really do not have the money to do this for her and we definitely feel a little bitter about having to. We have college and homeschooling expenses, needed home repairs, dh was unemployed a while, etc. Her situation is (it appears) her own making with massive consumer debt, retiring at 62 even though she could still work, etc. we cannot stay at her home because she is a hoarder, so the situation is definitely of her own making.

 

At the end of the day, though none of us enjoy her visits, I still feel pretty crummy about it. She is all alone so far away and she is dh's mother and my children's only living grandma.

 

Anyone else in this situation? Any thoughts?

[Guest]

Five years. But that's because we lived 1500 miles away.

[Junie]

How does your husband feel about this?  Does he want to visit her?

 

I used to feel guilty about this.  This was finally something that I was able to let go.

 

My FIL lives several hours away.  We are able to stay in his house, but it is still a lot of work to go and we don't see him very often.  I decided to stop feeling guilty when I realized that I was the "least" of the adults in the situation.  I decided to let it up to my dh and his dad if/when we would visit.

 

If your husband wants to go, I would let him decide if/when to go visit.  And if your MIL wants to see him and the grandchildren, I would let it up to her to figure out how to make that happen.

 

Let go of the guilt and let them figure it out.

 

 

 

ETA:  I forgot to answer the question in the title.  I think the longest we've gone without seeing my in-laws was two years.  The longest without seeing my parents is probably about 6 months.  (They usually come to see us.)

Edited June 8, 2017 by Junie

[J-rap]

I'd probably pay for her plane ticket to come and stay nearby.  It sounds like she has made some poor decisions and isn't easy to be around, but as long as she isn't a bad person to be around (especially for your kids), I think I'd try and do that.  Would she even want to come?  At least she'd be staying somewhere else so you could have a break!  Are there less expensive hotel chain options there?  Many hotels provide breakfast, and you could pick her up late morning after your own family is settled for the day.  Maybe sandwich fixings for lunch that she could help herself to, and then dinner together as a family?  Back to the hotel immediately after dinner.  Something like that?  If you did it over a longish weekend -- Thurs - Mon, then your dh would be home for the majority of that time too, assuming he works M - F.

 

It's hard when money is tight though of course.  Is there a bus or train option in your part of the country that would be less expensive?  Maybe there's an Airbnb option with just a room that would be cheaper than a hotel?  Just brainstorming.

 

Anyway, my own parents and I have a close relationship, and are able to see each other quite often.

 

ETA:  Junie had some good thoughts too.  Maybe just leave it up to your dh to figure it out and take initiative.  And of course -- what are his thoughts about it all?  Maybe he can fly there himself some weekend, alone.

Edited June 8, 2017 by J-rap

[Guest]

Does she skype or facetime?

Does she want a relationship?

 

 

We live close enough to visit daily. Mil is not interested in having a relationship with anyone but her dc, so we feed her if she shows for someones birthday and she chats with her dc. Some years she comes, some years she doesn't, depending on if she has better offers. I don't worry about it. If she wanted a relationship, it would exist. At this point, the dc see her a few times a year, and she converses with them once a year. Her favorite gc and dc get her time. What she wants from us is labor and food.

Edited June 8, 2017 by Heigh Ho

[marbel]

We currently live about 700 miles away from my in-laws.  At times we have gone two years between visits, though we try to go once a year now.   They will not come visit us.  They do other travel, but not as far (they are 78 years old).  And, they have never liked visiting us; I think my MIL is very uncomfortable with me and/or staying in my house.   They will not fly. 

 

I feel bad about it. There is no ill-will, particularly, but visiting them in an exercise in frustration.  They live in a small, remote mountain community so all we really do is sit around their house talking about nothing.  The kids hate it. There is some passive-aggressive disapproval of our lifestyle (homeschooling, our lack of love for college football, among other things).   We tried once to meet in the middle, in a nice city with stuff to see and do, but we spent most of the time sitting around the hotel rooms talking about nothing - so it was just like visiting them at home, but with added expense (though better food). 

 

We're due for another visit in the fall.  I'm encouraging my husband to go alone.  

 

ETA: After reading Junie's post... I agree that this is your husband's mother so you need to let him lead on this.  I've not been able to let go of the guilt feelings about my in-laws, but I encourage others to do so. It's up to your husband to manage his relationship with his folks.  I used to really try to push it, mainly because of my kids, but my in-laws don't have much interest in them, and my kids know that, so it's not like we're depriving them of fond memories of good times with grandparents.  

Edited June 8, 2017 by marbel

[Butter]

My ILs came back to the US to visit in 2004.  My FIL died a year later.  Then we didn't see my MIL other than on Skype, weekly, until 2013.  We haven't seen her in person since. (She lives in Ireland.)

 

We saw my parents Christmas 2014.  We saw my mom in 2015.  They are selling their house so they can move here, but it's a unique house with a lot of land that will take the right buyer so it's taking a while.  Since they'll hopefully be here soon there are no plans to visit.  This is the longest we've gone without seeing them. (They live 1600 miles away.)

[Laurie4b]

We tried to see all parents at least 3 times per year. That's with 8 hour drives and one sometimes two who could be unpleasant. I like J-rap's suggestions. It doesn't take much effort to have lunch meat or tuna and bread around to make sandwiches and some fruit for lunch. 

 

To take off pressure, you could prep and freeze some of your dinners. 

 

Renting something is going to be less expensive than a hotel unless there is an extended stay near you. 

Edited June 8, 2017 by Laurie4b

[Sarah CB]

I think we've only ever gone one year without seeing them. And we lived in England for two years and now we live about 7000 km (around 4000 miles) away and we usually see all of them twice a year. 

 

Our parents range in age from early 60's to early 80's. They're all in good health. We try to get out there once a year and they all come here once a year. Sometimes we'll meet one of them elsewhere - dh and I went to California a couple of months ago and fil met us there. 

 

Everyone is pretty relaxed - they'll sleep wherever we put them and they make themselves at home, which is nice because then I don't feel like a hostess the whole time. 

 

I wish I could see my sister more, but right now we only see her when we go home to visit. She has two young kids and she and her husband are realtors so it's difficult for them to plan vacations. Someday I'll get her out here.

[JFSinIL]

About two years.  I was due for a visit (both my folks live in S. Calif., neither can travel now) when had our car crash.  Took another year after that before I could travel, then I did get out to see them and prove I wasn't too mangled.  Took my four kids out there about 7 years ago - now they are all in early and mid-20s and not likely to travel (college/work etc.)   I was actually supposed to fly out THIS WEEK but turns out I need another hernia repair surgery first - thanks to crash, my abdominal muscles have several weak spots now, (kinda turning into abdominal Swiss Cheese) and my innards like to play Whack-a-Gut (mole) with me  Last week ended up in ER after nasty 8 hour abdominal pain didn't subside - oh goody, small hernia/bowel obstruction.  They whacked that "mole" back in, and I see surgeon next week to plan yet another surgery.

 

My Dad no longer remembers who anyone is (in dementia care unit now) and Mom may get there soon, too. So I may never see them again. 

My in-laws lived within an hour drive and we and kids saw them often before they died within a year of each other four years ago.

 

If you can swing flying your MIL out do so - she is only going to get older and more hoarderish.  Or have hubby fly out to see her at least.

Edited June 8, 2017 by JFSinIL

[alisoncooks]

We see my MIL 2x a year (Thanksgiving and Christmas).  I feel bad about this because MIL has poor health and can't afford to travel.  We always come to her, but  we can't afford to do it often (requires a hotel stay).

 

We see my parents every 3-4 weeks, some of those being extended visits (vacation together or a long weekend visit). They come to us more than we go to them, but it's back and forth.

[FaithManor]

Two years when we lived in Oregon and they lived here in Michigan. None of us could afford the travel.

[creekland]

Less than a year for us.  When we lived in FL our annual vacation was making the rounds with relatives.  Now that we've moved closer (8 hours and 4 hours) we can get there more often, plus my mom (used to) visit us (even in FL) and travel with us so we saw her more often.  Otherwise, we mostly visit them.  My dad has never been to our house either in FL or PA - or RI or VA in the farther past.  My in-laws have been to all but RI, but they only came once or twice.  Now they are too old (medically) to go that far so we definitely go to them.

 

In your situation, I'd see if your MIL wanted to visit.  If so, I'd probably figure out how to make that happen.  If not, phone calls are fine.  (That's how we are with my dad TBH.)

[SKL]

I live close enough to drive there for the big holidays, so I try to make it.  I usually make it there at least a few times a year.

[Guinevere]

My family is about 700 miles away, and we see them at least 3 times a year.  The longest we've ever gone has probably been 6 months.  We see my husband's parents less often, a year has probably been the longest between visits.  

[TheReader]

We see my dad least of all the grandparents, as he lives out of state (currently an 18 hr drive, not counting stops) and has for all of my kids' lives (and most of my life). We aim for once/year but it is getting more and more complicated for a variety of reasons. 

 

My mom we see a few times a year; she lives 4 hrs away. 

 

My mom-in-law we see roughly once/month; she lives an hour away, which around here is "local" (Houston folks know what I mean....). 

 

My FIL we see whenever he decides to come to the US; we've gone probably 4 or 5 years between visits before. He moved out of the country just after we did, and now splits his time between his work location and his wife's home in the Philippines, so is very rarely back in the US. When he does come in, we see him as much as he prefers (he splits his US time between his siblings and his children). We'd love him to stay with us, instead of with his brother, when he comes in but he never has. 

 

My grandparents we only see a couple of times a year, and I would really like to make the effort to get down there more often while we still can. They're also only an hour away, but in a different direction than MIL so we don't often go over. I really need to make that happen. (none of our other grandparents are still living). 

 

ETA: I realize I said we see my dad the least....obviously we see FIL the least, but I don't count him in that since he lives on the other side of the world entirely and we are completely unable to travel to where he is; how often we see him is completely reliant on him coming here. Of the ones we have control over/can visit ourselves, we see my dad the least. 

Edited June 8, 2017 by TheReader

[teachermom2834]

Thanks everyone.

 

Yes, MIL would love to visit. She just can't/won't pay anything. She used to make the drive (alone in a really old car so it scared us) and stay in our house. We moved an hour further south adding to the drive and our new house is uncomfortable for her so she will not drive/stay in our home again. She would happily jump on a plane and stay in a hotel if we pay for everything.

 

She is a negative and difficult person to have visit, but she doesn't know that about herself. She definitely would want to visit. My dh would fly her in if money grew on trees but he isn't anxious to do that versus replacing a shower or any variety of things we need to do. Also, I am the home and family manager so I usually take the lead on getting things done whether it be travel or paying bills or any home and family management type things. While it is dh's responsibility to deal with his folks he would let it go a long time before acting on it.

 

I think we should make plans to fly her in for a long weekend. We will have to be careful to have boundaries though. If we say three days, she'll say five. If we say we'll take her back to her hotel at 10:00 pm, she'll say 11:00. She is tough to deal with but not so much that I feel it is right to never see her again, ever. I think we need to plan to do it but have some boundaries set so that we don't end up feeling taken advantage of and so we don't set precedent for future visits. Did I say she is difficult??

[Desert Strawberry]

Five years. But that's because we lived 1500 miles away.

 

 

This, but 2000 miles. 

[vonfirmath]

We currently live about 700 miles away from my in-laws.  At times we have gone two years between visits, though we try to go once a year now.   They will not come visit us.  They do other travel, but not as far (they are 78 years old).  And, they have never liked visiting us; I think my MIL is very uncomfortable with me and/or staying in my house.   They will not fly. 

 

I feel bad about it. There is no ill-will, particularly, but visiting them in an exercise in frustration.  They live in a small, remote mountain community so all we really do is sit around their house talking about nothing.  The kids hate it. There is some passive-aggressive disapproval of our lifestyle (homeschooling, our lack of love for college football, among other things).   We tried once to meet in the middle, in a nice city with stuff to see and do, but we spent most of the time sitting around the hotel rooms talking about nothing - so it was just like visiting them at home, but with added expense (though better food). 

 

We're due for another visit in the fall.  I'm encouraging my husband to go alone.  

 

ETA: After reading Junie's post... I agree that this is your husband's mother so you need to let him lead on this.  I've not been able to let go of the guilt feelings about my in-laws, but I encourage others to do so. It's up to your husband to manage his relationship with his folks.  I used to really try to push it, mainly because of my kids, but my in-laws don't have much interest in them, and my kids know that, so it's not like we're depriving them of fond memories of good times with grandparents.  

 

Something to think about -- when growing up we went on yearly vacations to visit "family" -- THey would be two week vacations. When not staying at family's houses, we camped. We spent 2 days with my dad's parents (usually) on the way to visiting other grandparents.  They lived rural, with not much around to do. So we spent the time with them and their farm.  But it would only be 2 or 3 days. MOST of the rest of the time was spent with the Columbus, OH relatives (more relatives there, more to do in the area).  But on the way home, we'd stop and camp somewhere and spend 2 days at an attraction just us -- as a family.  Some years it was Opryland. One year it was Silver Dollar City.  Etc.  So less time visiting the family, carving out time to go and do something.

[gardenmom5]

we used to see dh's mother about once a year - she was living 900 miles away at that time.    now she lives with dh's sister about 30minutes away - so we see her more often.

[Cinder]

My mom--ten years. I know, right? We live over 4,000 miles apart and it never felt quite right for me to go visit by myself--the whole family would want to go too. So it took awhile to save up that much. (Along with the cost of airfare, we had to pay for a hotel--needed 2 rooms!--because none of my family could accomodate us. My mom visited us a couple times before that but her fear of flying has only increased over the years and she's not comfortable coming to us anymore.

 

Mil--it's been a few years for the whole family but dh sees her about once a month. (His job takes him there about that often and he's able to go for a day visit.) She lives 1,000 miles away. We haven't talked about a family visit to see her but she can't travel--health reasons.

[OneStepAtATime]

I appreciate that you want your children to have a relationship with their grandparent and I don't have boots on the ground to really know what all the details are of this relationship but I will share some things that came to mind when I read your post.

 

1.  It doesn't sound like there has ever been much of a bond between your MIL and your family.  People don't have to actually physically see each other frequently to form a close positive bond (although it helps).  I have friends and family that I might go years without seeing but for certain people the distance is irrelevant, we are still close and the next time we DO see each other it is as if no time has passed.  There is a bond between us and seeing each other, while lovely, is not required for the bond to remain.  If there isn't much of a bond now between your family and your MIL, I don't know that forcing either party to go see each other more often will actually forge one.  A large part of having a successful relationship, IMHO, is having compatible personalities.  Since it sounds like her personality is not that compatible with your family then forcing a relationship may not net much.  I agree with you, though, if you are going to set up a visit, set some solid boundaries and stick to them but also be realistic about what is possible with this relationship and try not to resent her for not being who you would like her to be.

 

2.  Does your MIL make an effort to get to know what is happening with her son or you or her grandkids?  Does she acknowledge birthdays in some way?  How was your husband's relationship with his mother as a child?  Was she always difficult?

 

3.  Are past resentments making it hard to really genuinely put in the effort to make this happen?

 

4.  On a side note, it sounds like you are blaming your MIL for hoarding.  Please keep in mind that if she is truly a hoarder, that is a mental illness and not something she can probably control.  And once the situation got out of hand she almost certainly didn't have the ability to fix it, not without outside help.  Please try not to resent her for the hoarding.  There may be many underlying issues that have pushed her down that path.  Read up on hoarding.  It frequently isn't a choice at all so much as a compulsion due to trauma/stress/anxiety.  Spending mental energy blaming her for hoarding won't help either of you.

 

5.  It sounds like both parties are expecting more out of the other party than either is willing to give.  You and your family don't really enjoy her company but if you go visit her (since her house is full of stuff) you would have to drive a long way with 4 kids, stay in a hotel and pay for your own meals.  She will not help with meals and cannot help with accommodations.  It would be an expensive trip to visit with someone it doesn't sound like any of you really genuinely like.  Because of this you and your family do not want to make the trip.  

 

And yet you do want a relationship and it sounds like after your other post that she wants to come see all of you.  For her to come visit you would have to pay for her airfare since she apparently can't afford to fly and I guess doesn't drive anymore?  And she is unwilling/unable to stay at your house because she would have to walk up and down the stairs frequently throughout the night to get to the bathroom since she has to urinate often (as someone who has this issue I can understand why lots of walking up and down stairs through someone else's house every night would be very unpleasant but if it meant I could spend time with my child/grandkids I suspect I would be more than willing).  You don't want to have to adjust your family's somewhat erratic eating habits for her, either, and she needs normal meal times to function.  

 

In other words, both parties are sitting in their own camp unhappy that the other party is not willing to accommodate more?  At least that is what it sounds like from here.  Honestly, I don't know what any of you are going to get out of this relationship if visits are seen as burdens and everyone is resenting the other person for not being more like what they want them to be.

 

5.  If this really does matter to either party I would think people would work harder to make it happen, even if that means inconvenience/cost (unless the cost just isn't feasible).   When my paternal grandmother was still alive she reached a point where she was hoarding and could not drive.  She had also gotten somewhat belligerent and super picky in her eating habits.  Mom and Dad would make the effort to drive her 9 hours to come see the kids and DH and I at least 2 times a year.  I would also make the effort to take the kids to see her, even though the drive was very long and gas was expensive and staying with her could be challenging.  We found ways to make it work because we cared and the relationship was worth making the effort for.  Making sacrifices to accommodate was worth it.  But we all wanted to make it work because we loved each other.  There was a bond.  In your situation is either side willing to truly sacrifice to make this happen?  Is there enough of a bond to be willing to do so?

 

Seriously, this only works if people are willing to bend and put in the effort and if the relationship is worth that effort.  Instead of each side blaming the other, someone is going to have to work to make this happen (if this really matters to you).  Since it probably won't be MIL, my suggestion is if this is a priority for you and your family, try hard to stop resenting that she isn't what you want her to be and make the effort to turn this around (as long as this is not an abusive relationship).   Walk away mentally from the failed expectations and change the dynamic.  Fly her to your home (look for super cheap flights).  Maybe have her sleep in one of the upstairs rooms and someone else sleeps downstairs while she is there (when I was a kid I sometimes got displaced but Mom and Dad made it sound like an adventure sleeping somewhere other than my normal bed and they made it fun) so she can easily get to a bathroom.  Or if it would be less stressful then find her cheap accommodations.  Call around.  There may be more options besides expensive hotels.

 

6. Would it be nice if she had made better financial choices so that she could afford her own expenses now?  Yes.  But that didn't happen and you weren't in her shoes.  At the time it may have made sense in her head.  Hind sight is 20/20 and we all make mistakes.  She made the choices she made and that's that.  It can't be changed now.  If you want this to happen you need to try and walk away from the blame game.  It wastes energy.

 

7. For that time she is with you and your family, cook meals and freeze them ahead of time so there are things you can pull out to feed her.  See if where she ends up staying they might offer free breakfast so you don't have to worry about that meal.  And I agree with you, set very clear boundaries and pleasantly but firmly stick to them.   If she argues, stay firm.  Plant a smile on your face and firmly drive her back to the hotel when it is time.  

 

8. If this truly matters to you and your family, if you truly want this to happen, make the effort to make this one visit a pleasant experience for your whole family.  Will it take lots of effort?  Yes.  Sounds like it absolutely will.  But if this matters to you and your family then you do it anyway.   Don't just go through the motions while you resent her for this that and the other thing.  Genuinely try to make this a pleasant experience for all involved.  Try hard every single day she is there to focus on something positive about her visit, even if it is something tiny.  Make the effort to mentally walk away, at least for that visit, from the issues you are unhappy over.  After that visit, reevaluate.  If it ends up being an unmitigated disaster, then o.k. you tried but this isn't going to work out.   At least you genuinely tried.

[teachermom2834]

I appreciate that you want your children to have a relationship with their grandparent and I don't have boots on the ground to really know what all the details are of this relationship but I will share some things that came to mind when I read your post.

 

1.  It doesn't sound like there has ever been much of a bond between your MIL and your family.  People don't have to actually physically see each other frequently to form a close positive bond (although it helps).  I have friends and family that I might go years without seeing but for certain people the distance is irrelevant, we are still close and the next time we DO see each other it is as if no time has passed.  There is a bond between us and seeing each other, while lovely, is not required for the bond to remain.  If there isn't much of a bond now between your family and your MIL, I don't know that forcing either party to go see each other more often will actually forge one.  A large part of having a successful relationship, IMHO, is having compatible personalities.  Since it sounds like her personality is not that compatible with your family then forcing a relationship may not net much.  I agree with you, though, if you are going to set up a visit, set some solid boundaries and stick to them but also be realistic about what is possible with this relationship and try not to resent her for not being who you would like her to be.

 

2.  Does your MIL make an effort to get to know what is happening with her son or you or her grandkids?  Does she acknowledge birthdays in some way?  How was your husband's relationship with his mother as a child?  Was she always difficult?

 

3.  Are past resentments making it hard to really genuinely put in the effort to make this happen?

 

4.  On a side note, it sounds like you are blaming your MIL for hoarding.  Please keep in mind that if she is truly a hoarder, that is a mental illness and not something she can probably control.  And once the situation got out of hand she almost certainly didn't have the ability to fix it, not without outside help.  Please try not to resent her for the hoarding.  There may be many underlying issues that have pushed her down that path.  Read up on hoarding.  It frequently isn't a choice at all so much as a compulsion due to trauma/stress/anxiety.  Spending mental energy blaming her for hoarding won't help either of you.

 

5.  It sounds like both parties are expecting more out of the other party than either is willing to give.  You and your family don't really enjoy her company but if you go visit her (since her house is full of stuff) you would have to drive a long way with 4 kids, stay in a hotel and pay for your own meals.  She will not help with meals and cannot help with accommodations.  It would be an expensive trip to visit with someone it doesn't sound like any of you really genuinely like.  Because of this you and your family do not want to make the trip.  

 

And yet you do want a relationship and it sounds like after your other post that she wants to come see all of you.  For her to come visit you would have to pay for her airfare since she apparently can't afford to fly and I guess doesn't drive anymore?  And she is unwilling/unable to stay at your house because she would have to walk up and down the stairs frequently throughout the night to get to the bathroom since she has to urinate often (as someone who has this issue I can understand why lots of walking up and down stairs through someone else's house every night would be very unpleasant but if it meant I could spend time with my child/grandkids I suspect I would be more than willing).  You don't want to have to adjust your family's somewhat erratic eating habits for her, either, and she needs normal meal times to function.  

 

In other words, both parties are sitting in their own camp unhappy that the other party is not willing to accommodate more?  At least that is what it sounds like from here.  Honestly, I don't know what any of you are going to get out of this relationship if visits are seen as burdens and everyone is resenting the other person for not being more like what they want them to be.

 

5.  If this really does matter to either party I would think people would work harder to make it happen, even if that means inconvenience/cost (unless the cost just isn't feasible).   When my paternal grandmother was still alive she reached a point where she was hoarding and could not drive.  She had also gotten somewhat belligerent and super picky in her eating habits.  Mom and Dad would make the effort to drive her 9 hours to come see the kids and DH and I at least 2 times a year.  I would also make the effort to take the kids to see her, even though the drive was very long and gas was expensive and staying with her could be challenging.  We found ways to make it work because we cared and the relationship was worth making the effort for.  Making sacrifices to accommodate was worth it.  But we all wanted to make it work because we loved each other.  There was a bond.  In your situation is either side willing to truly sacrifice to make this happen?  Is there enough of a bond to be willing to do so?

 

Seriously, this only works if people are willing to bend and put in the effort and if the relationship is worth that effort.  Instead of each side blaming the other, someone is going to have to work to make this happen (if this really matters to you).  Since it probably won't be MIL, my suggestion is if this is a priority for you and your family, try hard to stop resenting that she isn't what you want her to be and make the effort to turn this around (as long as this is not an abusive relationship).   Walk away mentally from the failed expectations and change the dynamic.  Fly her to your home (look for super cheap flights).  Maybe have her sleep in one of the upstairs rooms and someone else sleeps downstairs while she is there (when I was a kid I sometimes got displaced but Mom and Dad made it sound like an adventure sleeping somewhere other than my normal bed and they made it fun) so she can easily get to a bathroom.  Or if it would be less stressful then find her cheap accommodations.  Call around.  There may be more options besides expensive hotels.

 

6. Would it be nice if she had made better financial choices so that she could afford her own expenses now?  Yes.  But that didn't happen and you weren't in her shoes.  At the time it may have made sense in her head.  Hind sight is 20/20 and we all make mistakes.  She made the choices she made and that's that.  It can't be changed now.  If you want this to happen you need to try and walk away from the blame game.  It wastes energy.

 

7. For that time she is with you and your family, cook meals and freeze them ahead of time so there are things you can pull out to feed her.  See if where she ends up staying they might offer free breakfast so you don't have to worry about that meal.  And I agree with you, set very clear boundaries and pleasantly but firmly stick to them.   If she argues, stay firm.  Plant a smile on your face and firmly drive her back to the hotel when it is time.  

 

8. If this truly matters to you and your family, if you truly want this to happen, make the effort to make this one visit a pleasant experience for your whole family.  Will it take lots of effort?  Yes.  Sounds like it absolutely will.  But if this matters to you and your family then you do it anyway.   Don't just go through the motions while you resent her for this that and the other thing.  Genuinely try to make this a pleasant experience for all involved.  Try hard every single day she is there to focus on something positive about her visit, even if it is something tiny.  Make the effort to mentally walk away, at least for that visit, from the issues you are unhappy over.  After that visit, reevaluate.  If it ends up being an unmitigated disaster, then o.k. you tried but this isn't going to work out.   At least you genuinely tried.

Thank you for the long and thoughtful reply. Tons of truth.

 

I agree with what you are saying about past resentments and letting things go and moving forward. I guess I have felt like I had to get closer to that before bringing her here and maybe I am getting closer.

[heartlikealion]

Like 9 months? That was when it was too hard for either of us to travel for Thanksgiving and Christmas (my in-laws came over that December to see the baby and exchange gifts). But we live in the same state a few hours away from both sets of parents. I do think about if we moved how it would be really hard to see them. My parents cannot easily travel and for us it would be very difficult with the cost of 4 if we had to take a plane or even just if we had a very long drive.

 

In your case, did she ask to come see you? Hint about it? How do the kids feel? Do they remember her? Do they want to try to have a relationship? Could they skype or facetime with her? Will you have regrets if you arrange something?

Edited June 8, 2017 by heartlikealion

[OneStepAtATime]

Thank you for the long and thoughtful reply. Tons of truth.

 

I agree with what you are saying about past resentments and letting things go and moving forward. I guess I have felt like I had to get closer to that before bringing her here and maybe I am getting closer.

Hugs and good luck.

[teachermom2834]

She has not directly asked for us to pay for her to come in but it is the general understanding that if she ever comes again we will have to pay for it. She didn't say anything about the stairs at the house when she was here but after she got home on the phone she said she couldn't stay here again. Dh mentioned the hotels within a mile of our home and she said "who will pay for that?". Also, she said the extra hour on the drive just makes it too far to drive. I don't fault her for that because it truly is a long drive to make alone and she has a very old car. It was basically left that she could not ever return driving and staying at our home and that she can't afford any other way.

 

She did make the trip every 18 mo- 2 years until this last time 2 years ago so she did make the effort. We would pay for all meals and entertainment once she got here and other help. Once her car broke down and we paid for a rental to get her home. We paid for a hotel when we were in a house with no room for her to stay. So she has made an effort in the past and we have contributed financially even when it really hurt. So effort has been there on both ends. She does call and acknowledge birthdays with a card. Dh makes the effort to call on holidays, her birthday, and mother's day. So while there isn't warmth both sides have kept up the relationship.

 

I feel more and more all the time that we need to do this. She is absolutely all alone. She has another son with a family that she seldom sees and they are only six hours away. While she can drive that distance easily issues remain there with where she will stay and who will pay for meals, etc. She pays when she goes there so she just doesn't go there more than every year- 2 years. They also cannot visit her for the same reasons we cannot. Regardless of the choices she has made it is a sad situation that she is in now. I just struggle with how best to respond to that.

 

Thank you all for your thoughts.

[Jaz]

Five years. But that's because we lived 1500 miles away.

 

 

This, but 2000 miles. 

 

Eek! No wonder I feel like we should try to visit my inlaws next year - it'll be 5 years since the whole family was together. My dh and dd did travel to see his parents and family in 2015. 

[nixpix5]

5 years for my dad. We had gone to California to visit him in 2007 but shortly after that visit we began an adoption process and then I ended up having two pregnancies back to back. Of course after that we had 3 babies/toddlers which did not lend itself to an 18 hour car ride. Unfortunately he passed away unexpectedly in 2012. It feels surreal that it had been 5 years since I had seen him (and this summer will be 10 years!) My dad and I were incredibly close and talked on the phone weekly but still, it is painful to think about.

[abacus2]

I don't think we've ever gone longer than 2 months without seeing both sets of grandparents. They both live less than 1 hour away and are in good enough health to come to us regularly.

My sister, on the other hand, lives in Germany. I haven't seen her in two years. I am very excited that her whole family is coming to visit in December for our brother's wedding. We went to visit her once. $6,000 in airfare makes that likely a one time deal. My mother makes it a priority to go see her at least once year, with dad going about every other time. She's actually there visiting her now.

[Lorien]

We see my in laws every day - we currently live with them! My parents live on the other side of the world and we've not seen them for 14 years and counting. 😕 We have a good relationship with both sets of parents, the issue is the cost to visit.

[Loowit]

I am not really sure, maybe a month for my parents.  They don't live very far away, but we stay really busy and my parents don't make a huge effort to visit.

 

We used to see my in-laws several times a week, so the longest would have been pre-kids when we lived 40 minutes away and saw them once or twice a month.  The kids have always seen them at least once a week, usually more.  But they recently sold their house to go traveling so we won't see them again for a couples months.  It has been hardest on youngest, but they meet up over Skype at least once a week.

[catz]

About 8 months.  But both sets of parents live in the same metro as us.  One set was leaving for the winter for about 8 months at a time.  Sometimes we'd go there as a winter destination but sometimes we couldn't and then we wouldn't see them from early fall to late spring. 

 

That said, I think this should 100% be in your DH's ball court.  If he is feeling ok about it, I would let it go.  If he wants to go visit alone, I'd let him do that.  If he really felt we should spend the money to bring MIL occasionally, I'd be ok with budgeting for that if it was not killing your working day to day budget.   I could get over the other stuff but having to pay for both airfare and a hotel is a bit over the top. 

 

Does she have other kids closer to her?  I'd just be worried about her future needs if your DH is the only child. 

[Ravin]

2 years for mom, maybe 3 or 4 for dad? I only made it out there once during law school. 

[wintermom]

We live over 2000 miles from my parents, and with 4 dc we don't travel to them very often. We have made the drive twice, and I've flown out alone or with a kids or 2 over the years. They come to use every 3 years or so. In all, we see them about every 2 years. 

 

We do our best to stay in touch with phone calls, e-mails, mail, etc. 

[Arcadia]

In your scenario, I would make the effort since your MIL has tried to make the effort. My late paternal grandma is kind of self centered and domineering when she was alive. She wasn't mean to me because I ignore her but she can be mean. My late maternal grandfather doesn't like to move much but he is a wonderful babysitter.

 

Is there an affordable vacation where your family can just pay her share? For example, when we did a road trip to Oregon, I arranged the trip to be when my mom was here helping us. My mom doesn't eat much and paying for my mom's tickets to all the attractions my kids wanted to go wasn't a financial stretch. My mom had fun watching my kids made snowmen at Crater Lake and playing at OMSI.

 

I haven't seen my parents for 5 years while my in-laws came for a visit in January. My parents and in-laws are in Asia so we have to fly at least 16 hrs (9 + transit + 7) to get there. We do Skype my parents weekly.

 

My mom has trouble walking during to rheumatism so it is harder for my parents to fly here while my in-laws love to travel. My in-laws however would ask their kids to pay for travel expenses even for their vacations so it is a good thing my husband is not an only child. That is why we never vacation with my in-laws, too much complaints, expectations and expenses.

[foxbridgeacademy]

I've gone 3 years without seeing family.  It's my sister's kids I miss the most though.  I talk to my mom, dad and sisters via phone and that's enough but it's hard to have a convo with a 4 year old and you can't cuddle them via skype.

[Pam in CT]

Aside from two intervals when I lived overseas, I've never gone more than ~6 weeks without seeing my parents (they live 2.5 hours away).  

 

My father-in-law lives a little over an hour away and we see him perhaps a little less (it was a little more often when my MIL was still alive, as she often initiated the scheduling).

 

My parents are far enough that visits tend to be a weekend or longer; with my FIL it's often shorter (i.e. just for a meal).  We've also often done vacations with them on both sides.  Neither side is much into Skype.

[Junie]

My mom passed away 39 years ago. She came up for our wedding, but was gone a year later. My parents-in-law lived next door for years, but they weren't really interested in seeing the kids unless she could get work out of them. Then my fil became unstable and they moved to town. My mil got a vicious dog so we didn't see her for awhile. The dog finally died, so we saw more of her. And then she started attacking my ds, so we went years only seeing her in groups so she couldn't get to him. We didn't see her for close to a year before she died. She was all of 5 miles away.

 

We saw my dad and stepmom every few months. They were about 4 hours away, but could no longer come up here because of the altitude. We rarely all came--just too much for them. I didn't see my stepmom for 2 years before her death, but there was no point--she had no idea who anyone was. My kids always made a point of seeing my dad when they went through Denver. Navy girl would always wear her uniform because it made my dad smile. 

 

:001_wub:

[73349]

I think our max was 4 years with one side. Travel is expensive and difficult with a demanding job and/or young kids, especially when family/friends don't live close to major airports/on train routes/etc.

 

ETA: My parents and ILs are all still working full-time and my mom still has a high-schooler at home..

 

Edited June 11, 2017 by whitehawk

[bookbard]

It's been years for FIL, but last time we suggested visiting, he said he didn't want to see us. So I think that's it.

 

In your situation, I'd plan a vacation at a nice place and invite MIL along. That way your focus is on the vacation and not providing meals etc. And while expensive, it could be a great memorable family experience. 

[scoutingmom]

About 6 years for my Mom. She had plans to come a couple of times but something messed it up (last time she was in the hospital). She just visited this last week.

 

I think we are at 17 years for my dad. We aren't exactly estranged... but I would never have let him see our kids anyway. But that said, I can't afford a trip home, and he has never ever suggested coming to visit us anyway.

 

My mil and fil are both deceased.

 

Sent from my SM-T530NU using Tapatalk

[LucyStoner]

Pushing 1.5 years for my MIL but she's coming to visit at the end of this month. We skipped our vacation out that direction last year due to cost.

 

My dad? We see him regularly but he lives 1/2 hour away and depends on us for many things.

 

My FIL and mother are both deceased.

[DawnM]

When I went to college in the US, my parents were still in Africa.  I didn't see them every year.  I think the longest was 3 years though.  I haven't seen them now for 2 years, but we are driving out this summer.  They live on the West Coast and we are on the East Coast.

 

We have gone longer without seeing DH's parents, but they refuse to visit us.  It is our DUTY to visit them...... :confused1:    But we did go out last summer so we are good for a while.  We will go up sometime in the next year.

[luuknam]

I think the longest has been about 2 years, but there's an ocean in between us. Also, my mom is not a special snowflake (neither is my dad, fwiw). She stayed with us in our 17ft tiny camper when Celery was born, and stayed on our couch some other time (both times she stayed 2-3 weeks, iirc). As long as I have bread and a couple of toppings (e.g. jam and cheese - not to be used at the same time, lol), she's good for making herself breakfast and lunch when she's hungry - maybe oatmeal or something if she wants to shake things up for breakfast (these are the things she normally eats for breakfast and lunch, and the things she fed us when we were kids, and the things that are normal in NL). And, while I haven't had a need to ask this, I'm pretty sure she'd be okay with using a bucket if she couldn't handle 5 stair steps to get to the bathroom in the middle of the night and she couldn't afford a hotel. She'd be over the moon if we'd pay her plane ticket for her to come here.

 

Anyway, long story short, I'd do the above... but if she wants to be a special snowflake, I'd feel no guilt over telling her that she can pay for her own hotel room and her own fancy meals, and it'd be none of my problem that she can't afford that. 

[Garga]

They moved 2000 miles away for 8 years and I saw them twice in that time. Then they moved back into the area.

 

But then they moved 2500 miles away for 12 years and I've seen them 4 times in that time.

 

So, I guess it averages out to once every 3 or 4 years, though it was really probably a long slog of 6 or 7 years and then a few visits back to back for a couple of years sometime in that 20 years they've been away.

 

If they lived within a day's driving distance, I'd make a point to see them 3-4 times a year, but we get along really well. If we didn't get along, then I'd only do once a year and probably try to push it to once every 18 months.

Edited June 10, 2017 by Garga

[Garga]

It's been years for FIL, but last time we suggested visiting, he said he didn't want to see us. So I think that's it.

 

In your situation, I'd plan a vacation at a nice place and invite MIL along. That way your focus is on the vacation and not providing meals etc. And while expensive, it could be a great memorable family experience.

That's a good idea. Meet somewhere in the middle and have touristy things to do when you get there.

[The Girls' Mom]

I think it has been 4 or 5 years since I have seen my bio-dad.  We aren't really estranged, but have a kind of indifferent relationship.  We basically keep in touch through FB.  We see my in-laws about once a week, but they only live less than a mile away.

[EMS83]

On DH's side, I think it's however long he was in boot camp.  For me, I guess...a few months?  

 

 

Edited for attitude.  ;)

Edited June 11, 2017 by CES2005

[lynn]

My parents worked up to seven years ago. 3 years was the longest because 13 hour drive away, kids schedules, dh travel schedule, mom having knee surgery and was not up to company etc. But now they are retired and only live 3 hours. I try my best to visit every other month.

[happypamama]

Maybe two months, since we've lived four or fewer hours away from them for the past seventeen years. Maybe we've gone three or four months. But we often see them for a couple of weeks at a time or several times in something like four out of eight weeks. They are retired and have an RV and travel a lot. They love our area and are often staying fifteen minutes away, so if they're around for a week, we might see them four or five times.

 

My ILs we usually see about six times a year, but we might go five months without seeing them if health or weather get in the way. We have only seen them once since last July or August, I think, but that's unusual.