Jump to content

Menu

6:30. No sign of DH yet. Typical.


Moxie
 Share

Recommended Posts

I am sorry.

This said, I don't consider working until 6:30 "workaholic" - that's fairly normal for the people I know. My DH usually leaves work around now. The workaholics colleagues are the ones who keep working until midnight or 1 and skimp on sleep.

Edited by regentrude
  • Like 23
Link to comment
Share on other sites

My husband isn't even a workaholic but the nature of his job requires him to be gone several days at a time. I haven't seen him since Sunday morning. He's supposed to be back tonight but probably after we're all in bed. It definitely stinks. :grouphug:

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dh rolls in around 8 most nights but he goes to work at 8 so he's here more in the morning. He also travels about 1/2 the time. It's hard on him especially red-eye flights. It's hard on me because I have to do all the driving instead of having dh drop off GW in the morning. It's hard on GW because he loves spending time with dh. However, it's how we finance our life. An easier job would mean pulling GW from his day program and putting Trinqueta in school so that I could work part time or from home to keep an eye on him. I'd much rather deal with solo parenting a lot of the time than dealing with those changes.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What time does your husband leave for work in the morning?  Mine is usually rolling in around 6:30 - 6:45 - that's just normal for him.   There have been times I've texted him asking for his ETA and the response is "uh oh... leaving in 5."  I can tell then that he got carried away with a project!  

 

Is he truly a workaholic or is it just the nature of his job?  

 

:grouphug:  in any case.  It's not easy feeling like a solo parent, whatever the reason.  

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

My dh starts work by 7:30 everyday and typically works until at least 8:00. Once or twice a week it will be later. He also works from home. Rarely less than a 60 hour week with 75- 80 weeks in there.

 

His job is not supposed to be this way and it is not like he makes a huge salary. He just cannot get his assigned work done and there is always one more email, one more request, one more report, something he could improve. He is a workaholic. He just cannot shut down his computer and walk out.

 

He definitely feels the pressure of being the sole wage earner and wants to perform well at his job. However, he has always been this way and he has had 4 or 5 jobs in our marriage.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

DH gets up at 4:30, works a few hours and sees the kids off to school, then is usually gone by 8 am. He usually is home by 8, eats dinner, and works a few more hours until about 11:30 or so. It is completely unsustainable, but he has had this general schedule for about 5 years now. I basically don't count on him for anything.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I understand right now  DH is on a temporary assignment that means he only works 4, 10hr daysa week but he brings work home most nights.  In April he will be back to 12hr shifts 4 days on 1 day off for 3months.  At least this time it will be days when its night shift its horrible.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Mine worked 5am-8pm for years, and then got a job closer to home. It was better for awhile, and then it was just as bad. The reality is that he missed a lot of dinners.

 

And it took a toll. Mine are older teens, and they do not feel close to their father. And he basically wore himself out physically and had to retire for medical reasons. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think my oldest didn't realize what her dad looked like for the first 3-4 years...he worked SO much back then.  I never saw him, other than his sleeping self on Sundays.  Then he traveled.  A lot.  For about 15 years.  

 

Now he works at home.  I see him all. the. time.  (Is it bad that he just got a promotion that will mean more travel, and I'm kind of glad he'll be getting out of the house more?)

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I always hear stories of people working tons of hours. I read a couple of books by Laura Vanderkam last year (I know how she does it and 168 hours You have more time than you think). According to her, hardly anyone works 60 hours a week and the more hours people say they work, the farther from the truth they tend to be. So, for example, if they say they work 60 a week you can probably guess that they work 20% less than that. If they say they work 80, you could guess that they work 30% less than that. I'm not sure why that is, but according to her, when people actually track their time, very few people actually work 60 hour weeks regularly. Even fewer work more than that. I believe her sample is pretty much "professional" jobs-not people working more than one to make ends meet. Accountants, lawyers, doctors, entrepreneurs, etc.

 

Back to the OP, my Dh works a lot, and I think getting home at 6:30 is hard. It makes it very difficult for 2 kids to each be in an activity on the same night (and you can't always pick the day an activity meets). Dh misses out on helping in scouts or coaching sports. I can't ever volunteer either. My little kids stay up way too late because we are at big siblings activities. Yes, those are all choices, but I wish he were home earlier.

 

Our solution lately (that seems to be working well) is Dh comes home "early" on our busy evenings then works extra "late" on nights we are just at home. He also occasionally comes home from like 5-7 then goes back to work.

Edited by lovinmyboys
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm sorry.  :(  My dh has been gone from 6 a.m. and it's after 10 p.m. now.  He's not a workaholic, though, he just works 3 jobs just so that we can get by.  Not every day of the week, thank God!  Your post was a good reminder to me that some couples don't see each other way more than dh and I, even though they probably have more financial security.   :huh:

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

When my kids were young I came to realize a significant portion of people I interacted with assumed I was divorced or widowed. Dh was home early if he got home at 7. I went to all kid activities alone. For weekend things dh would stay home with our youngest. No one ever asked where the baby was though. One day a girl from our neighborhood swim team asked "what happened" to S and Cs father. That's when it dawned on me, dh wasn't home much.

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I always hear stories of people working tons of hours. I read a couple of books by Laura Vanderkamm last year (I know how she does it and 168 hours You have more time than you think). According to her, hardly anyone works 60 hours a week and the more hours people say they work, the farther from the truth they tend to be. So, for example, if they say they work 60 a week you can probably guess that they work 20% less than that. If they say they work 80, you could guess that they work 30% less than that. I'm not sure why that is, but according to her, when people actually track their time, very few people actually work 60 hour weeks regularly. Even fewer work more than that..

This reminds me of when people talk about working three jobs to get by. That really tells me nothing. I mean I clean an office once a week for 2 hours. And I run errands for my boss about 6 hours a week. And I work in his office 16 hours a week. Could call that three jobs but it really adds up to about 24 hours a week.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm sorry. :( My dh has been gone from 6 a.m. and it's after 10 p.m. now. He's not a workaholic, though, he just works 3 jobs just so that we can get by. Not every day of the week, thank God! Your post was a good reminder to me that some couples don't see each other way more than dh and I, even though they probably have more financial security. :huh:

Oops. My post was not in response to your post! 6-10 is a loooong day!

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well just to show you how the grass is always greener in somebody else's yard, my DH has been getting home quite early for the past several years and it gets on my darn nerves. I am still busy doing the day's activities and he comes home, which makes me feel interrupted.

  • Like 12
Link to comment
Share on other sites

6:30 is downright early for dh most of the year. Just during the winter, dh brings home more work and arrives home earlier but still works. I get home around 7:30 - rarely later but I don't leave till afternoon. Then I write my reports. We are both working until about 9pm but it's no big deal. We can still talk to each other.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It is 8pm and my husband is still in office. It is the norm during their peak season. The first company he worked for was a slave driver and a semiconductor company. My husband is not a workaholic but I am. His current company CEO has a reputation of being a slave driver but the reality is that he has a more relaxing job than similar ranked engineers in other tech companies. So what the media says is just a part of the story.

 

I always hear stories of people working tons of hours. I read a couple of books by Laura Vanderkam last year (I know how she does it and 168 hours You have more time than you think). According to her, hardly anyone works 60 hours a week and the more hours people say they work, the farther from the truth they tend to be. So, for example, if they say they work 60 a week you can probably guess that they work 20% less than that. If they say they work 80, you could guess that they work 30% less than that. I'm not sure why that is, but according to her, when people actually track their time, very few people actually work 60 hour weeks regularly.

I used to clock in easily more than 80 hrs a week but that is because I have conference calls in the early morning, late afternoon and past midnight because of three time zones (GMT-8, GMT+1. GMT+8). I had down time in the office where I can go to the office pantry and grab a snack and drink and take a break, but I can't leave the office. Once I had a conference call at 11pm and another one at 1am, I was too lazy to go home after the 1am call so just sleepover at the office.

If I was at a conference manning the company booth, my day start at 7am and ends at 11pm at the booth. Then there is the end of day debriefing or "firefighting". So a conference week is a long work week and everyone on duty jokes about using cucumber slices and Lipton tea bags for relieving eye bags and eye shadows. We did get conference allowance on top of our usual pay since we don't get overtime pay per se. Half the time is probably just standing around but I had days when clients would actually come over and discuss the new product rollouts and potential tender bids so basically like non-stop business meetings until late evening.

 

My husband is in the quality control aspect of R&D so he work nature is different from what mine was. He is supposed to be at work at 8am but everyone is late unless boss calls for an early meeting. During busy seasons he works until 6:30pm then comes home and have conference calls with China until 11pm. On Sunday evenings, China office sometimes call because they forgot US is still Sunday. During off peak season, he is basically idling in office half the time and he can leave at 5pm and there are no conference calls. So we can go do something fun from 6pm if we want to. If you count actual work done off peak season, he is paid for 45 hours but works 20 hours and relax 25 hours. He doesn't get overtime pay though so the off peak kind of balance the peak season.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

When my kids were young I came to realize a significant portion of people I interacted with assumed I was divorced or widowed. Dh was home early if he got home at 7. I went to all kid activities alone. For weekend things dh would stay home with our youngest. No one ever asked where the baby was though. One day a girl from our neighborhood swim team asked "what happened" to S and Cs father. That's when it dawned on me, dh wasn't home much.

 

Me too. Dh is almost always the parent who stays home with GW when the others have activities. It think most acquaintances think I'm divorced.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

What types of jobs are these?  DH and I are now self employed and it's feast or famine ... we have some months where it seems like we work non-stop and then some where it's pretty balanced.  Neither he nor I have had a job that works from 6 am to 8 pm.  Is this a regional thing?  Is this a certain type of job?  In our circle of friends we have teachers, computer programers, software technical sales people, technical writers, engineers, scientists, business consultants, and accountants.  Nobody works any hours like that!  I don't think it would be sustainable.  

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think my oldest didn't realize what her dad looked like for the first 3-4 years...he worked SO much back then. I never saw him, other than his sleeping self on Sundays. Then he traveled. A lot. For about 15 years.

 

Now he works at home. I see him all. the. time. (Is it bad that he just got a promotion that will mean more travel, and I'm kind of glad he'll be getting out of the house more?)

After years of working in an office he couldn't talk about, DH is working from home and can talk about anything. It's generally too technical to be interesting, but he tells me anyway. He's always home. It's a bit much. I DO prefer it to having him gone all day. There really are perks, but I enjoy the once or twice a month he has to go into an office for the day. It's quieter here without his meeting and/or background noise. Also, dinner conversation is more interesting when we don't have the exact same day.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

What types of jobs are these?  DH and I are now self employed and it's feast or famine ... we have some months where it seems like we work non-stop and then some where it's pretty balanced.  Neither he nor I have had a job that works from 6 am to 8 pm.  Is this a regional thing?  Is this a certain type of job?  In our circle of friends we have teachers, computer programers, software technical sales people, technical writers, engineers, scientists, business consultants, and accountants.  Nobody works any hours like that!  I don't think it would be sustainable.  

 

My dh used to work for a small computer software company where he routinely would work 7 to 7, come home to work some more, get up in the middle of the night to talk to clients in different time zones, and carry a pager on the weekends to help clients who were stuck, averaging 6-10 hour weekend on-call days. I am so relieved that he now has a government job where they kick everyone out at 4:59.  :lol:

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

6:30 would be early here, too, and he usually leaves before I even roll out of bed at 6:30am. Seventy snd eighty hour work weeks are common and if something big happens then we don't see him at all for a few days. Just another government beurocrat, though, wasting tax payers money. (Sorry, couldn't resist the sarcasm. I get so upset at the persistent image of our diplomats overseas being lazy and wasting money. I know no one who fits this definition.)

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm not sure if it's helpful, but I can throw in the "working parent's" perspective. DH lost his job last year in the spring and didn't find a job he wanted. I ended up going back to work, as we just needed someone to be working. The company I work for likes me, and the position morphed from part time to a very full-time position. I left this morning at 6:30 am and got home at 6:30 pm, with a 15 minute commute each way. I ate lunch at my desk while I was on a conference call. It was relentless (they all are).

 

When I got home, DH was tired and burned out from dealing with the kids, which I get (I was the stay-at-home parent for years, so... I really get it). He left at 7 to get some quiet time. But... I worked a solid 11.5 hours and am now dealing with the kids. I have three more hours of work after I get the kids to bed, so... that's fun. I don't feel like I have a meaningful choice to work less, and we can't afford another unemployment stint. 

 

On days like today, I'm not quite certain why I was so focused on "growing up"!

  • Like 6
Link to comment
Share on other sites

My husband gets up at 4:45. I'm happy if he is home by 7:00. We usually get home from swim practice around 7:00 so we have time to have a glass of wine together while he eats before he goes and reads to the little girls at 8:00.

 

Some weekends, he does work from home. I support his doing whatever he needs to do to excel at his job and continue to climb the ladder at work.

 

I will say that when he is with us, he is completely engaged. That makes all of the difference. He isn't watching sports, or pursuing his own hobbies.

  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I lived with a bona fide workaholic for a few years. It totally does suck. Especially because they recieve so much approval for their 'addiction'. Honestly, I'd take an alcoholic over a workaholic, that's how toxic I found it. 

 

YES!

 

Dh isn't the workaholic he used to be.  He still works long and crazy hours when that's what the job calls for, but now he's much less likely to do so when it doesn't.  Last night, he worked until 6:30 from home.  If he had needed to be in an office or on a job site, he wouldn't have gotten home until much later.

 

It definitely stinks whether it's a choice or not, but it stings a little less when I can see that it's just what needs to be done.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

My husband is an accountant.  I used to not even see him from about Jan 15-April 15, and often it was like this from Sept 1-Oct. 15.    He would go in at 6am and get back after 10pm.

 

Thankfully, a little over a year ago, his work agreed to let him work from home 3 days per week (LONG story), and that has helped tremendously.

 

But he is still in his office and not able to truly participate with the family.

 

It was really hard when the kids were younger.   

 

Things DO get easier as the kids get older and more self-sufficient.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

My DH usually leave around 6 and gets home around 5:15. But he might come home early if he's got a meeting at a nearby site, or he might stay late if something needs to be finished. I had him mostly home for eleven weeks. It was great! He caught up on sleep (even with everything going on), and now I miss him.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't envy those of you posting.  I'm a time person (love language).  My guy is a workaholic - meaning always working at something, usually his job - but he works from home and is flexible, so was (almost) always able to be there for the boys and our family activities.  He did the parenting job while I was at work at school - even while continuing to do is own job.

 

His usual work hours start at 8am (sometimes earlier) and go to midnight, but again, we take breaks together to eat, walk, talk, play a game or whatever.  It's good for him to have the breaks.  He takes Sunday off, but that's the only regular day off he takes.  However, when the kids were home we also (both) usually took Tuesday off for our "Family Day" when we'd go hiking and/or geocaching or some similar activity.  That was an awesome time in our family life.

 

I feel pretty fortunate and wouldn't want to change a thing.  I wish many of you could have the same circumstances.  (All of you who want it.  I can't relate to those who prefer having their hubby away from home, but we all have our preferences.)

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I always hear stories of people working tons of hours. I read a couple of books by Laura Vanderkam last year (I know how she does it and 168 hours You have more time than you think). According to her, hardly anyone works 60 hours a week and the more hours people say they work, the farther from the truth they tend to be. So, for example, if they say they work 60 a week you can probably guess that they work 20% less than that. If they say they work 80, you could guess that they work 30% less than that. I'm not sure why that is, but according to her, when people actually track their time, very few people actually work 60 hour weeks regularly. Even fewer work more than that. I believe her sample is pretty much "professional" jobs-not people working more than one to make ends meet. Accountants, lawyers, doctors, entrepreneurs, etc.

 

Back to the OP, my Dh works a lot, and I think getting home at 6:30 is hard. It makes it very difficult for 2 kids to each be in an activity on the same night (and you can't always pick the day an activity meets). Dh misses out on helping in scouts or coaching sports. I can't ever volunteer either. My little kids stay up way too late because we are at big siblings activities. Yes, those are all choices, but I wish he were home earlier.

 

Our solution lately (that seems to be working well) is Dh comes home "early" on our busy evenings then works extra "late" on nights we are just at home. He also occasionally comes home from like 5-7 then goes back to work.

During my husband's workaholic days, he regularly put in 15 hour days, 6 days a week.  Sometimes with an 8-10 hour 7th thrown in.  That is over 80 hours a week.  We literally never saw him during daylight hours.  He was a generator technician, and often worked those hours outdoors in the cold and rain.  Now he's 43 with the body of a much, much older man.  It isn't sustainable.  

 

Now he is salary, so he doesn't really keep track of his hours.  But it is more like 40-50 counting all the time he spends on work related calls.  More if he has a travel week.   

Edited by The Girls' Mom
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

:grouphug: Hugs to you.  I know how it is to be DONE with taking care of the children and managing everything at home, to work hard at putting together dinner, and then see it growing cold on the table.  DH has an unpredictable work schedule, and it helped when I just let go of expectations for when he would get home, and assuming he would be there for dinner.  If he was home for dinner, that was great.  If not, leftovers were packed up in the fridge, and he was free to heat them up when he came home.  There was no sighing or complaining, just happiness to see him, and an explanation of what he could find in the fridge.

 

I worked as a corporate attorney before having children, and I know what it is like to have to stay late at work.  It doesn't mean that you want to.  That's just what being a professional is.  Some of my colleagues had spouses who would constantly call and complain and want updates on when they would be home -- and I could see that it backfired.  Many of them actually seemed to want to stay at work later because their friends were there, and we were working on interesting things -- and maybe home wasn't such a pleasant place to be.  In those days, I was often home a lot later than DH, but he never made me feel like a workaholic.  He was just happy to see me.  Sometimes we had dinner together at 10pm.

 

 

 

 

 

  • Like 6
Link to comment
Share on other sites

6:30 is pretty standard around here, and DH is not a workaholic.  He does have an hour commute so that is an additional factor.

 

I really, really, really don't want to go out and work for pay, either, so I figure my flexibility on this end is sort of a reciprocity for his salary taking care of all of us.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

Yup. BTDT. It sucks!

 

Mine's deployed right now and that is almost easier because then I have ZERO expectation of him, so it's much harder for him to disappoint me or the kids by not being available when he's "supposed to be".

 

DH has been offered a job with travel and he was saying no, because of the travel. And I was like, you know...gone totally 2-3 days a week isn't that different than home past the kids' bedtime 3-4 days a week. So....don't say no out of hand..how would the hours be when you are in town?

 

As it is, he works his regular job..leaves around 8:15 to get there at 9am, gets home around 7pm after leaving around 6 or 6:30. Then two nights a week he teaches (2nd job) at a local college and those nights he doesn't get home until around 10:30pm or 11pm. Then once a month he has an event that keeps him out at least that late. Then there are vendor dinners a few times a month, etc etc. 

 

The few times I saw him around 6:30 I worried something bad had happened. 

SaveSave

Link to comment
Share on other sites

According to her, hardly anyone works 60 hours a week and the more hours people say they work, the farther from the truth they tend to be.

 

Maybe this is true for blue-collar workers but for white collar ones, 50-60 is the minimum expected by the typical employer. 80+ is not uncommon.

 

My DH has had 1 day off in the past month, and that includes weekends. :glare:

 

  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Maybe this is true for blue-collar workers but for white collar ones, 50-60 is the minimum expected by the typical employer. 80+ is not uncommon.

 

My DH has had 1 day off in the past month, and that includes weekends. :glare:

 

 

I agree.  This is the norm for most people I know.  

 

Growing up, my dad was home at exactly 5:15 every night.  There were good parts to that, of course, but I know that my mother resented his lack of ambition and drive (and thus, lack of $$).  It's a trade-off, for sure.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, in our case it's the commute.  Dh has been trying to be home by 6pm, but then he's working at home at night.  Which isn't idea b/c if you speak to him he's grumpy.  I would rather he just stay at work!  In the past he would have never joined in with the workaholics, now he uses them as his reasoning for working more...he's still less than they are.  Uh huh.  Dh has always preferred to avoid leadership positions, but in this job he's the leader and he's taking on the responsibility well.  Which means working all the time.  I have noticed all his jobs in this metro area require more working hours than he ever had on the east coast. He likes the work better, so nothing will change.  I considered moving closer to his work for the commute but then I realized he would just work even more...it's not like he would actually be home more.  it's a phase and I'm just enjoying my time with my teens.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Maybe this is true for blue-collar workers but for white collar ones, 50-60 is the minimum expected by the typical employer. 80+ is not uncommon.

 

My DH has had 1 day off in the past month, and that includes weekends. :glare:

 

 

 

We used to attend a very conservative church with a lot of blue-collar workers.  When DH couldn't attend a Wednesday evening service or volunteer event with me, the other wives would always cluck about my "workaholic husband" with disapproving sympathy and offer to pray for us.  I was always baffled and couldn't understand where they were coming from until I realized that their husbands had very regular jobs with set hours.  Mine was an executive at a tech company, and was just doing his job.  Sometimes it required working late.

SaveSave

  • Like 6
Link to comment
Share on other sites

With being in the mil, my husband is either here or gone.

 

If his "gone"  80% of the year, as it was for a few years, was by choice I don't think I could handle it.  :gnorsi:

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I think most people understand that working a lot of hours because that's the job and could come home, but don't== the distinction OP is making by using the word workaholic.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...