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amy g.

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Everything posted by amy g.

  1. I’m pretty much a lifetime Texan (I lived in Louisiana for a couple of years). When we moved to California, it took me less than a week to realize I never wanted to go back to Texas even for a visit. I sure hope I never have to.
  2. I agree with you, but I also think that how much face to face human time people get is dependent on both that person’s location and also their location. Some people need very little in person socialization. More is not better for them. We used to live pretty isolated. We had good friends across the creek in case there was an emergency, but otherwise, it was easy to go all week without seeing anyone outside of the family. Where we live now, the kids see their friends every day. Friends meet every Saturday at the coffee roaster for social time. You see your friends at the farmers market. Every single evening, there is a show or a political meeting or a museum fundraiser. None of these things revolve around technology. It is certainly a different culture from what I was accustomed to. I know that if Dh takes a different job and we move back to suburbia or exurbia, we will need to readjust. I always find it interesting how location specific some things are.
  3. My guess is that they haven’t had a quiet block of time to really look at it yet.
  4. I sympathize, OP. My son got an office job where he was to proofread contracts and do whatever extra jobs his boss wanted him to do. His boss got super busy, was always out of town and didn’t get around to giving my kid enough work. Once, executives from Germany were visiting the Houston office. The first thing that they saw was my kid sleeping at his desk. It wasn’t pretty. My son admitted that it was unacceptable and told his boss that he was making an appointment with a neurologist to rule out a physical cause since he does have a sibling with a sleep disorder. This kind of muddied the waters about firing him. Soon after, a different VP said he wanted DS in his department and he started getting interesting work that he is well suited for. Now he has been promoted several times since then, and they tease him saying, “And just think, we almost fired you!†All that is to say that understanding how to be a good employee is a learning process. I think it is pretty common for kids to have a few bumps along the way. What is important is that they learn from them. No matter what the work environment, I would not be encouraging my kid to blame the company. I’d stress that he isn’t a good fit and that he has better options available.
  5. I’m glad my kid in Austin is finishing her thesis this week. She doesn’t plan to leave the house until Sring Break is over. I’ll have to tell her not to get the mail either!
  6. My response is skewed because I hate attending birthday parties. The ones I hate the most are the ones where “too many†kids were invited. Even when I’m not invited to a function by my own friends, if I hear about it, I think, “Oh yay! They got to have fun and I didn’t have to go to a party!†I would much rather spend time one on one, and my kids have family birthday parties. They strongly resemble how we celebrate graduations-we take them out to eat. But if I had a kid who was devastated by being excluded, my focus would be on how to model maintaining a happy and open relationship with his friends. After all, the friends really didn’t do anything wrong, did they? You can only invite so many people right? So that is why I would talk to my kid about what part of a party would he really enjoy and invite his friend over to do those things. Would it be better if the friend said, “We can’t invite everyone so let’s not have a party at all? What if they didn’t invite any friends and had a family party? Would that be better? What if they had one friend over? Is that just as hurtful? Where do you draw the line? If my son enjoyed this friend so much, I’d suck it up and make nice and do my best to maintain a relationship with the family for his sake.
  7. Here is what I would do, I’d call the mom and say, “Hey, I realize your daughter had an all girl party and that is cool, but my son would really like to celebrate with her too. Is their any way she can come over on Thursday for a little get together? We will be decorating cupcakes and taking funny photos in dress up clothes. Let me know if that there is a better day for you. Love you!†Because for me, that would be a win/win and let us all move forward without awkwardness.
  8. I have had 6 miscarriages and my hpt line started getting lighter before bleeding even started. I think you should find someone to give you a US and see what is going on. I’m sorry you are going through this.
  9. We took them out for a nice meal at a restaurant. We do the same for college graduation.
  10. For us, we modify our plan depending on the child. My older children all had smart phones and SM accounts by the time they were 13. My oldest just uses her SM to post pictures of her art work. She texts photos to her sisters and all of her emails are about school. I know because once our phones got linked and I got all of her content. I thought, “Girl, do you even think about anything other than school? “ Ds had to be monitored more. He had a Runescape account at 10 and then got pretty involved in LEGO forums because he was buying guns, adapting them and then selling them for a profit. He briefly had a FB account, but shut it down and deleted it because of his desire for privacy. Looking back, I wish I had asked them to use fake names for their FB accounts even if it is against the rules. My middle daughter has more social needs than the rest of us. We were in a pretty isolated place, but I made sure she had homeschool classes several times a week. She never bonded with those kids. We also sent her across the country to art camp every summer. That is where she made her friends. She relied on texting and Skype for almost all of her social life because her friends were all over the world. Everything was fine until this one friend.... She loved to stir up drama. Dd has an issue that she wants to take care of everyone and solve everyone’s problems. If she had been born in my generation, she would have been sneaking the land line and staying on the phone all night or sneaking out of the house to be stay with a friend who was having a crisis. She crossed my line by being grouchy to her siblings (lack of sleep) and lying to her dad about where her iPod was so he wouldn’t take it away. At that point, I figured my kid was crying out for help, so I took away all screens for 18 months. I talked to her teachers and she had to hand write all of her papers and do all of her research with the card catalog. This only worked because she was physically very far from her friends. When she earned her screens back, she was much better able to set limits. And I gave her one uninterrupted hour each evening to talk to her friends. But here is the thing, her underlying problem is the same. She is in a dorm and a close friend on her floor attempted suicide this semester. That is the kind of thing that sends her spiraling. She is tempted to not leave his side, stay up all night taking care of him, miss her exam the next day.... Instead, she called the authorities, let him know she was there for him when he got better, went to sleep, went to class, took her test.... I think the only reason she did that was because she KNEW if she let friends interfere with her school work, I’d drive up there and jerk her out of school in a heartbeat. But how could she know that if we hadn’t gone through all of the challenges and learning opportunities with her friends when she lived at home? Really, I feel like SM is inherently neutral. I remember when I first got internet at home and my grandmother thought it was only for porn. She couldn’t figure out why I would want that. Instead, I made great friends and learned things that I never would have learned in my own little neighborhood. I think alcohol is neutral too. It can be used for good and for evil. But my own family has a tendency towards alcoholism so our policies are going to look different from another family’s. That doesn’t make either one wrong. My 11 year old has an iPhone. She uses it to take pictures to send her sisters. She listens to audiobooks. She can’t really even text her friends much because most of them don’t have phones and if they do, they are only allowed to use them a couple of hours each weekend. I’m not too worried about this kid yet. Asked her to look up something for me, and she didn’t even know how to get to the internet on her phone. She also has a sport that takes up a huge amount of time. She only watches movies when she is sick. Otherwise she is reading a book or playing outside. I don’t see any reason to limit her screen time, but I absolutely would if she shows signs of needing help. So for us, our policies look different depending on the kid and the time.
  11. This is 100% how I personally feel. I hope for the very best outcome for everyone in second marriages and blended families but the odds are so stacked against a happy ending that I would never choose that for myself. We suffered horribly when our mother remarried. I once asked my dad why he didn’t intervene. He said that honestly, he was just so happy that my stepfather had to deal with my mom instead of him and really, from the outside things looked okay.
  12. I think there is some truth to the idea that there are trade offs for walkability. When I lived in suburbia, I was researching places to move. We ended up getting a little acreage outside of town. I remember reading that places with higher tick and snake populations tend to have lower crime rates. It was a good move for the time, but I got tired of driving 30 minutes to the grocery store, 1 hour to swim practice or piano lessons or a friend’s house. We spent a lot of time in the car, but we lived somewhere inexpensive and safe. Now we live where we can walk to restaurants, grocery stores, the library, the dentist, art galleries, the theater, and more, but there is definitely a high crime rate. At 7:00 last night, an unarmed man was killed by the police in an alley a couple of blocks from our house. Gun shots and high speed chases are daily occurrences. You get used to it. We carry fox repellent (pepper spray) and the kids have to at least go in pairs and I prefer it if they also take a dog with them to walk. My middle daughter lives in a town that is both walkable and low crime. The trade off there is affordability and diversity. I know it is a great place for her, but I wouldn’t want to live there. I find the trendy, yuppie whiteness unappealing. I think it is great that people have options to live where they get what they value most. I just think we would be hard pressed to find a place that is walkable, safe, affordable and has good jobs available. You might be able to get a couple, but there will always be a trade off. As far as food and obesity I do what works for my own family, but I have no idea how you could make these improvements on a national level. One thing I have done in my own neighborhood is to teach kids to cook during the summer. During the week, each kid picks something from my cookbooks to learn to cook. We practice make each thing once during the week. Then on the weekend, we have a dinner party for their parents with China and placecards and cloth napkins. This summer I’m teaching the neighborhood kids to sew and to spin. I should see if this next batch is interested in cooking too.
  13. I see absolutely no indication that the girl is trying to look sexually attractive. I think she just wants to look nice, look pretty. There is nothing wrong with a 13 year old, girl or boy wanting to look nice. There is nothing wrong with a 2 year old, 8 year old, 20 year old, 85 year old wanting to look nice. In fact, we often view it as a sign of healthy self esteem. What is wrong is sexualizing a completely natural and benign, maybe even positive desire because it makes an adult uncomfortable.
  14. And her hair was so pretty in the before picture. Who would do this to a child?
  15. I’m pretty extreme by choosing not a sip of caffeine or alcohol during pregnancy and no medication during pregnancy or birth. But my infertility doctor told me there was absolutely no reason to abstain during the “two week waitâ€.
  16. This is my 7th day stuck in bed with it. Hopefully I’ll be fever free tonight and come out of quarantine tomorrow. My husband said he has never seen me sick like this in 32 years. So yes, I think it is legitimately a very nasty virus, but I try to ignore the media as much as possible so I don’t really know if they have over hyped it.
  17. We had some friends visit us for a few days. The husband has Parkinson’s and they brought their service dog. When we were out, doing sightseeing, I always called ahead to each museum or restaurant and said that we were planning to come with a service dog, Is there anything we needed to do when we got there. They all said just come on in. A few weeks after that, we were in the process of moving and the kids were starving. We were going to walk down the street to eat when I remembered that I had my big dog with me and her crate was at the other house. My Dd called the restaurant and asked if well-behaved dogs were welcome. At that moment, my dog started barking and the guy on the phone laughed and said, even poorly-behaved dogs are welcome. I chose to eat on the patio, but the server said we could eat anywhere we liked. I was pretty surprised, but when we got there, my dog just lay down under the table and didn’t move or make a sound. In fact, it wasn’t until the server was clearing our table that he even noticed her. He said, “Whoa! Big dog under the table.†She was still fine, but when he said that, a group of kids jumped up from another table and wanted to pet her. I kept saying. “Please leave her alone. She is doing a good job and doesn’t want to be bothered. Of course, the parents ignored it all. They were happy to be rid of the kids for a few minutes even if they knew their kids were bothering other diners. Even though my dog did a great job, even though the restaurant welcomed her, I don’t just take her with me when we go eat there. I know how much she sheds. I know how easy it would be for a breeze to blow a tuft of hair onto someone else’s plate. Just because I can do something doesn’t mean it is the most considerate thing to do. My sister is afraid of dogs. When she visits, my dog is locked in her crate or on a leash the entire time. There is no jumping or sniffing going on. It is kind of funny but the last time she was here, I heard her saying, “Whose a good girl?†As in so many situations, the solution lies in everyone being a little more respectful and considerate. Unfortunately, some people just don’t care how much they ruin for other people.
  18. I don’t understand the idea that 20 somethings are never going to be able to buy a house. I really think what they mean is, “I’m not willing to do what it would take for me to be able to buy a house.†And I think that is a perfectly fine choice. But it is a choice. My son is 21. He didn’t finish college, but he makes more than either Dh or I did out of college. Dh was almost 30 before he hit that pay level. And that is his base salary. He is hourly, so he works every hour of overtime that he can. At the end of the year, he was working 30 hours, sleeping in his car for a couple of hours and the going back in to work some more. He eats once a day. He ran the numbers and it is cheaper to go out to eat for that meal than to buy groceries and cook because that takes time that could be used working. He saves almost every dollar he makes. He is investing some of his savings into a a company he has started with a friend. He has one account of money for recreation. He uses that for day trading. He drinks free coffee at work. I bought him a Stanley french press travel mug for Christmas so he can have caffeine on the drive in. I don’t necessarily think he has a healthy lifestyle. He can’t play piano anymore because he is getting carpal tunnel from all of the hours at a computer. He doesn’t date because who has time for that. I have no doubt that he will continue to be financially successful. Does he live in a difficult time? Are their stressors and challenges? Yes, but he doesn’t use that as an excuse to give up. It just makes him get creative, think up a back up plan and keep trying. And in the end, the people who make it are the ones who keep trying.
  19. This is not across the board, but a couple of feelers I know believe that their emotion takes the place of action. They have so much empathy for their fellow humans, but do they ever do anything to help? I really couldn’t empathize with my neighbor who is a single parent with no child support. I have no idea about how hard that would be. But rationally, It makes no sense for her kid to have to go to the crappy public school when I’m teaching my kid the same grade level right next door. It only made sense for me to fold her kid in. And since I was already making dinner for a big family, it just made sense for me to send him home with dinner for the 2 of them each evening. I didn’t need to feel some emotion about it to take action.
  20. I wanted to tell you that one of my daughters accommodations include being able to register for classes before they open up for other students. If you go to the disability office, I’d ask if that is an option.
  21. I do run into this type of person and I have to be cautious of what I say around them. On the other hand, I enjoy conversations with people who are on the thinking versus feeling side of the spectrum. I like discussing how we believe very strongly that A is true, but look at how B is also true. I don’t like having conversations with people who just assume anyone who would comsider B is selfish and evil. The world is just more complex that that. Interestingly, my kid with Autism told me that she thinks empathy is actually arrogance. How can you claim to know how another person feels? Yet, she is very service oriented. She is always helping others. She just doesn’t think that she has to understand what it is like to be them or have some emotion to do so. I am very far over to the T side of the T and F scale. I know that makes some people see me as cold. I’ve been ghosted by friends who rely more on feelings. I don’t even get hurt about it. I just say, “Oh, we aren’t compatible. They made a great, logical decision about how to handle it.†My best friend is a big feeler. I love her more than life, but I know I can’t actually ever live with her. I’d drive her too crazy. I do have to be careful around her. Our kids are at rival colleges. She posts all the time about how much better her kid’s school is. It really isn’t, but it’s a good match for him. I know that if I posted anything about my kid’s school it would hurt her feelings. I don’t even care but stuff like that means I can never fully relax and be spontaneous like I can around less sensitive friends. I think it is interesting that my more feeling friends want to be with me in a crisis because I don’t get rattled and I can just keep doing what needs to be done. I’ve had several friends who lost a parent come spend the night at my house before flying home to be with the other survivors. It is like they need a place that is safe from emotion for awhile. I can see how important all different personality types are. I don’t enjoy it when either side shuts down the other and it happens a lot, both ways. I think people are threatened by the idea that more than just one position might be reasonable and have some truth and value to it.
  22. We put our name on it so there was no way they could sell it and buy something we didn’t want them to have. When they became adults with clean driving records and no tickets or accidents, we changed the titles into their names.
  23. I read a once that the number one thing you can do to keep your child safe is to not give him/her a stepfather. I could never find it again, so it was probably made up. Still, I wonder about risk factors for abuse. Is the homeschooled child living with both biological parents who are married more at risk than the PS child living with one parent, or in a blended family or with mom and her latest boyfriend? Is there even a way to find out? I know some stepdads who are amazing. They really make a bright future for their stepchildren, emotionally, physically, financially, even when mom herself isn’t so hot. But daily, we read about the ones who are abusive. Is it a good idea for every adult not still with the other parent of their kids to give up on future relationships if it could prevent just one stepkid from being beaten to death? Is it selfish to put a parent’s happiness over the life of a stranger’s child? I don’t take my kids to well-child check ups. The last place I would want a well kid is in a building full of sick people. I selectively vax and do not do any academic testing. And just like those families with awesome stepdad’s, it works for us and the results speak for themselves. But is it selfish not to want regulation preventing me from doing what is working and what makes us happy because if I willingly gave up my freedom to parent and educate as I see best, it *might* save one child from being starved and chained to a bed for decades. Furthermore, we do not eat sugar. I know that most families enjoy it with no ill consequences whatsoever, but due to the childhood obesity epidemic, shouldn’t we all give up sugar. Shouldn’t we pay more taxes to establish a new government agency that ensures no one under 21 is given sugar? Isn’t it the right thing to do? Sure some parents will ignore the law, and of course, you will really miss your birthday cake and Thanksgiving pie but isn’t that a small and obvious sacrifice to make if it keeps just one stranger’s child from developing diabetes?
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