What factors went into your decision to have another child or to be (permanently) done?

[MommyMegan]

We're at that "crossroads" ourselves and lots of "angles" are being considered.  

 

We're both age 41 (I'll turn 41 in July).   We have one son who turns 11 end of this month.  

 

When our son was four and about the time we were planning to try for another baby ourselves, my husband's sister and her husband were killed in a car accident when the husband rear-ended a stopped 18 wheeler going over 60 mph.   Thankfully their twin daughters were not in the car.    We were awarded full custody of our nieces and raised them from ages 13 to 18; they are now juniors in college and are doing very well; we miss them and are very proud of them.    

 

For the five years they were living with us (my son was 9 when they left for college), I had NO thoughts of having another baby as I felt plenty busy with a child and 2 teenagers, especially the first two years when they (and we all) were so bereaved/getting adjusted.    They were easy teens and never gave us a shred of trouble.   So it wasn't the STRESS of having them that kept me from having another baby, it was just the sheer busy-ness.   They were actually quite helpful and made caring for my son much easier.    He misses them terribly and they miss him.

 

Now that they are gone, my husband and I are JUST NOW having this conversation (whether to be permanently done with having children)!    

 

I feel, at my "advanced maternal age" that I should get on with this decision as if I'm going to have another baby, I need to get on with it!    but a thousand angles bombard me.    

 

My husband is more neutral about it; he said he'll be happy either way and that it's my decision.   He said if we had a baby of course he'd love him/her and be a devoted father as he's always been.  And he is a fabulous daddy.

 

There's the part of me that LOVES being at home and has NO desire to return to work when I'm empty-nested who thinks, "Why not have another precious love nugget to pal around the farm with me? (we have many cows)

There's the part of me that wishes my son wasn't the only child in the house (we homeschool); he misses his older sisters; yet I know a new baby with such an age gap isn't remotely going to be like their relationship.  Sure, he'd LOVE the child, but it wouldn't be to try to repeat/recapture/mimic the other.   

There's the part of me that thinks(knows) we don't have the energy we once had and that it'd be a disservice to a baby.    

There's the part of me that lays in the bed on a Saturday morning (the one morning I get to sleep in until 8:00 as my son goes with my husband for breakfast and errands) and I think, "I couldn't DO THIS if I had a baby!"    

There's the part of me that watches young mothers run after toddlers and I think, "Thank Heaven I'm out of THAT phase".   But then I look out at my husband and son playing in the yard and I think, " I am really going to miss seeing that when he goes in just 7 more years?" 

 

I think how nice it'd be to just be husband and wife with no distractions.

I think about how I'll likely move more and more into elder care as our parents age and having a child will complicate that.    

I think, "What if the child has disabilities from my having him/her so old?"      

I think about how much joy my children have given me over the years and how could I go wrong with adding another little person to our family and lives.       

I think there's no way my son will have much of a relationship with a child 12 years younger......

 

SO MANY THOUGHTS from both sides, so I'm torn.

 

I know I've never heard anyone say, "I sure wish I hadn't have had THAT child".    No one ever seems to regret adding another little child to their life, but that's not a reason to add a child, I don't think.  

 

I had a friend tell me, You're overthinking this".  Yes I am as, IMO, it's a big deal to "start over" at 42 years old!  It gives me pause to think about having an 18 year old at age 60!!!   I can't help but really really THINK about it.

 

I'd love to hear from you all and hear what factors went into your decision on this matter.   What was your choice?  And please provide some background like what were your and your spouse's and kids' ages then?   How'd it turn out?   Regrets?  What was great?  What wasn't?  

 

Whatever you wish to share on this would be greatly appreciated by this curious newbie who finally joined to ask this crazy question.

 

 

[Guest]

I keep waiting for that done feeling - hasn't happened yet! Sometimes you just have to weigh the choice against your goals, health, lifestyle, and finances. The rest is just what makes sense for you. I think some of us will never feel done even when we logically should be.

 

Or it's just me and I'm cracked in the head :rofl:

Edited June 3, 2016 by Arctic Mama

[Laura Corin]

We did look at our age and other practical considerations: Husband was 40 when Calvin was born and 44 when Hobbes was.  He will be 66 when Hobbes finishes university (assuming all goes to plan).  For us, this was a major consideration - our energy levels, financial situation (our own retirement and not being a financial burden to our existing children), etc.

[Arcadia]

My mom had me when she was 29, and my brother when she was 38. Infertility issues was why there was s 8.5 year gap. My brother graduated college after my dad's retirement age so my dad delayed retirement. So stopping at two make sense health wise and financial wise. My maternal aunt married in her teens to a well to do family and have four kids in nine years. Financially four kids wasn't a hardship even though she is s SAHM and her husband earns a middle income pay in a high cost of living area. There was money for her kids for college from her in-laws. My aunt is also much healthier than my mom.

 

For me, I married late and have my firstborn at 32. Both pregnancies were difficult and health wise I was worse after each pregnancy. My mom came over and stayed for months and helped 24/7 after my second was born because I was too exhausted. Financially it would have been a stretch to have a 3rd child if my health was better. Now with college costs for both kids 6/7 years away, and little retirement savings, we aren't going for more kids. We also have peers having difficulties looking for work so we are wary.

 

My brother stopped at one. They decided that is what they can afford financially. My brother had times of unemployment and underemployment.

 

My BIL has wanted many kids but I don't know how many they originally hope for. My BIL was unemployed for months after they have three kids so his wife went back to work in sales and they decided to stop at three.

[Laura Corin]

 We also have peers having difficulties looking for work so we are wary.

 

 

This is significant.  We had no idea that Husband would be out of a job at 55 and earning a fraction of his wages working freelance thereafter.  One of my brothers has also been working part time (as an alternative to being laid off completely) from age 57.

 

[Pawz4me]

I was 31 (almost 32) when oldest was born and 34 (almost 35) when youngest was born.  I really didn't feel comfortable about having any more beyond that age.

 

We didn't want to be out numbered by kids.  People think we're joking when we say that, but it's true.  We'd seen too many parents juggling to get multiple kids to appointments, sports practices and other extra curricular activities.  We didn't want that type of crazy hectic life.  

 

And finances were probably the biggest issue.  We knew we wanted to be able to send our kids to college debt free, or at least with very little debt, w/o seriously limiting our ability to save for our own retirement.

[kewb]

It waa mostly a feeling of being done. We had our two fairly close in.age because we were thinking we wanted 3 children and I didn't want to have a baby in my 40s. When dd was the age that we would have started trying for number 3 dh and I looked at each other and said "2 is good. We're good."

There were other practical reasons. Our age. Job concerns. Fiscal concerns. But mostly it was the fact that I had no interest in adding another baby.

[Ausmumof3]

Nothing more than a feeling. After #2, I didn't feel done. After #3 - and I mean, seconds after his birth - that was it. It was like a switch went off. Done. And it never went on again.

That describes it for me too I think though I'm still young enough to have future regrets I guess. I think the thought of even more busyness just seemed too much. I can totally understand feeling like you'd like another child in those circumstances.

[Guest]

Our two youngest were twelve months apart. It took so long to get pregnant with #2, we didn't think #3 would be here so quickly. We definitely had wanted a third though. However people were more shocked than supportive and it was a bit overwhelming without knowing anyone with babies so close. We didn't homeschool at the time- I think that would've helped me have some support as I've realized kids this close aren't unusual in this community as they are in the public school moms, at least where I live. Anyway, when I had to have a c-section for #3 we just kind of went along with the offered tubal ligation thinking we would be so overwhelmed we wouldn't want anymore. I wish we hadn't. It hasn't been the overwhelm I thought it would be. I adore all of my kids and would love to have been able to have another one or two. I love that they are so close.

 

I think homeschooling has let me know a number of parents who actually like their kids and see the joy in raising them, and investing time in them, rather than the "career first, kids are a hindrance crowd" I ran with previously. (Not saying all parents with careers don't like their kids- I just was in a high stakes driven, jobs first kind of crowd, very few of which had kids and at that only one in most cases. )

 

My tubal isn't reversible, and at 39, with three kids we can't really justify the cost of IVF, not to mention we aren't sure about how we feel on some of the IVF issues now such as frozen embryos etc. So we will stay with three. But, could I go back four years and talk to myself I would've never had that tubal. I can tell you that without a moments hesitation.

[creekland]

God decided for us.  We wanted two and had them carefully planned pretty much exactly as we wanted two years apart.  God thought we should have a third who came 19 months after his brother.  We loved having them so close in age.  It made life easy with traveling and activities, etc.  We weren't interested in more though, so I had a TL with no regrets since.  I was 28 at his birth (our third).

 

On a different note, if you're not sure about a newborn or toddler, have you considered fostering or adopting?  It sounds like you were awesome with your nieces. 

[desertflower]

My three are really close in age. I didn't even think of having another one until late last year when my youngest was 3. That's how busy it is around here.

I'm now 40 yo and if I had another one there would be an age gap of 4 1/2 to 5 years between the last two. I don't want this last one to feel not close to his/her siblings.

We cannot afford it and a 4th c-section would be dangerous, but that's not why we are stopping. The main reason is this. I told myself if I could stay off of caffeine and take my vitamin for 2 months, then I was ready for another one. I couldn't do it. If I can't be responsible for the baby beforehand, then I wouldn't have time for it after it was born?

The realization for me is that I'm entering another stage in my life. I love being pregnant, love babies, love playing with them, and love teachinv children. But the reality is that I am past that stage. I'm welcoming this new phase.

And yes, I am getting more sleep and time to myself now. ;) I don't know if I want to give that up anymore.

Please note this is how I feel. I'm not implying that this is how all 40 year olds should feel. :)

This is something to stop and think about. I hope you find some peace soon.

 

ETA:  Btw, I didn't mean that my post is something to think about.  I was referring to your original post.  :) 

[Noreen Claire]

I had my first at 21 and then divorced. (We should have never married in the first place, but that's another story entirely.) I was a single mother until I remarried at 34. Baby #2 followed at age 35, baby #3 at 37, baby #4 just shy of 40, and baby #5 is due in October (I'm 42).

 

I always wanted 5 boys - I have 4 so far! This one is definitely the last, though, as I'll be SERIOUSLY OLD when s/he graduates from college.

 

 

 

When my mother was my age, she was a grandmother!

 

ETA: Boy #1 & Boy #2 are 13.5 years apart. The oldest *loved* having a sibling, and the younger boy worshiped the ground he walks on... until we had more. While the oldest loves each little brother, he's not really 'into' family stuff because he has a strained relationship with my husband (his step-father), so we do have to insist that he spend time with the littles. I have no doubt that if this last baby is a girl, he will dote over her because what he's always wanted is a sister!

Edited June 3, 2016 by Noreen Claire

[bettyandbob]

My third child has significant disabilities. We love him. We are so happy we had him. However, we just couldn't add more. My other DC had health issues too when he was small. We didn't feel we could attend to another all the other stuff to take care of.

[freesia]

You have a lot whirling in your head. I had my last at 41 and I don't think there's a huge difference in the energy I bring to parenting her. You've handled more than 1 before, so I think you will be fine. for Dh and me it came down to realizing that even though we were just out if the baby stage we knew we could do it one more time. You seem very practical, which is great. But try to separate out the "what ifs" that you can't control but may cloud what you truly want.

 

Sometimes it helps to spend a day thinking that you've dcised one way or another and see your reaction. After we'd decided to stop, I'd feel jealous of others who were pregnant, but if I imagined being pregnant or having another, I felt panicky and at peace about not.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I wanted two and that was it.  I had a tubal the day after #2 was born.  I did not give it much thought.  One reason I rushed into that was I didn't want to be able to change my mind.  I had had two rough pregnancies and really at no point did I even want to be tempted.  My youngest is nearly 11.  I'll be 42.  I cannot imagine in 100,000 years being pregnant at this point.  I'm done!

 

I suppose part of it is looking at my family everyone had 2.  All of my aunts and uncles who had kids (some had none) had 2.  Maybe somehow I thought that was just "the" number.

 

 

[MyLittleBears]

We wanted at least four, but I had horrible pregnancies. With our first I was hospitalized, needed a transfusion and almost ended up on the liver transplant waiting list. I recovered and had two more but each of the those pregnancies was difficult and high risk with bed rest, constant doctor visits, etc. I still have never really lost the feeling of wanting a least one more but the risks outweighed it for us.  Now that they are a bit older, I am starting to feel pretty content. I love being the mom of boys and being young enough to run around with them!

[Hilltopmom]

We were done after 2.

Then we started fostering (& adopted our first Foster child). We continued fostering & adopted again, then her birth mom had a new baby who was also placed with us & his adoption should go through this summer.

Now, we're done, except- siblings... If their mom has any more children & isn't able to care for them, we'd like to keep them together if possible.

I'm your age.

 

We have a big age gap, my biological kids are 16&13. Littles are 1&2. It's crazy here often. My older kids adore the littles. The littles will be crushed when the big ones go off to college.

It IS tough juggling teen needs (lots of extracurriculars, often at night) with the needs of babies & toddlers.

But, I am SO glad life turned out this way:)

 

Most areas are desperate for good Foster parents, who may or may not want to adopt. Have you considered fostering? Local DSS usually has open house info sessions for more info before you sign up to start the class work & paperwork (background checks, etc). And often need families who can take kids in certain age ranges & love SAHMs (lots of schefule juggling in foster care).

 

Best of luck with your decision!

[TammyS]

I had my first at 20, my second at 32.  32 isn't that old, but it's a world difference from 20.  At 38 (and 54 for dh), I just can't imagine doing it, practically speaking.  Pregnancy is hard for me (not bed rest hard, but hard).  My dh is getting older.  If we had another baby next year he would be in his 70s when that kid graduated.  I can't really wrap my mind around that.

 

There are upsides and down sides to a large age gap.  The upsides are the older kid gets a chance to learn about caring for little ones, and (if it's been an only child) an opportunity to practice "the world doesn't revolve around you" (my older son was not a spoiled, bratty only child - but it's still true that there are certain ways you have to sacrifice and put your needs 2nd when there are younger children in the house that just doesn't happen for an only child).  My oldest entered his awful tween years when the baby was born.  Honestly, I sometimes think the baby saved older ds's life, because even though he was a complete snot with me and his father, he was kind and patient and sweet with the baby.  It really was helpful, to me, in those years to see there was still a decent person living in there somewhere.  Downsides are it can be too easy to set older child's needs aside as the baby's needs are more immediate.  I think that may not have happened had they been closer together and I was still in "baby mode".  Also, going back to baby mode is HARD.  I had no idea it would be so HARD.  You get used to just leaving the house whenever, without having to pack up a zillion things, and a car seat, and errands around nap time, etc, etc. 

 

Mostly, though, it's the age thing with dh and I that stops me from getting pregnant.  Really, the only thing that tempts me is the age thing and a feeling like "I'm 38, if we're going to do this, I'd probably better hurry up". Of course, it took us 12 years to get pregnant the 2nd, so it's probably a moot point.

 

But it haunts me a little and I don't feel fully at peace with it, either.

[FaithManor]

We wanted three and when our third was born, I nearly bled out from an undiagnosed blood clotting issue. We were told not to have more and that I was not a candidate for elective surgery. While we waited for our HMO to approve dh's surgery, a long and frustrating process, we used to forms of birth control religiously and still ended.up pregnant with our fourth. The entire pregnancy was touch and go, I came close to death more than once. Alexander is here, and safe and somehow defying medical odds I survived though my health took a beating.

 

There was no looking back. Permanent sterilization.

 

So for us it was decided on medical issues. I felt done at three, but can't imagine life without our fourth.

 

Due to job and insurance changes, there was a six year gap between oldest and next oldest. It was not ideal from the standpoint of sibling bonding. My sister is thirteen years younger than I, my parents thought they were done. As much as I loved her, our relationship has always been weird because we were never in the same peer group. I was in community college when she was three, left for conservatory on the same day she.began kindergarten, she was the flower girl in my wedding, and when my mom went through a health crisis sis came to live with us for an extended period thus we served as mom and dad. So the relationship has not fallen within the bell curve of normal for siblings.

 

So for me, with my experience, a gap of this size would be concerning. For you it might be fine! No right or wrong answer because families are all unique.

 

Dh will be 58 when our youngest graduates college. This is good because he would like to get out of his current job at 62 because it is very stressful. Most of the men in his family do not live past seventy years due to an aggressive cancer mutation in the males. Hopefully he and I will still have a few years together outside the rat race before I lose him. I am ever so glad we do not have children to still be putting through high school and college during that time.

[elegantlion]

I knew I was done with one. The doctor suggested I not have anymore due to complications with my own health. Instead of being agitated, I was relieved. It was a good decision for us financially and emotionally. We lightly discussed adoption for a few years, but when ds was about 7, we decided our family was complete. Ds is quite content being an only child and we were able to do things, like travel and eat out more, that would have been cost prohibitive for us with even one more child. 

 

I have enjoyed every stage of my child's life, but I couldn't go back to having a small child. 

[ktgrok]

First, a big age spread is WONDERFUL!!!! Sometimes hard, yes, when you are balancing how to get the older to a play or art gallery while dealing with a 1 year old, but it is doable. And it is SO nice to have a big kid that can help you with baby care, and even babysit when they get older!!! Having someone to watch the littles while i run to the corner to get milk is FANTASTIC!!!! Not to mention someone to fetch a diaper, feed the dogs, make me a sandwich, whatever. 

 

Seriously, I am now of the belief that everyone should have a 10 year old when they have a baby :)

 

My oldest is 16, then 6, then 3, and currently trying to conceive our 4th. I just turned 40. I am taking a few extra precautions...mainly I'm taking DHEA which is shown to reduce miscarriage and chromosomally abnormalities by about 50%. I'm taking CoQ10 for the same reason, although it has less evidence behind it, but it does have some, which is promising. 

 

As for knowing...for a long time I was on the fence. Then I held a brand new baby and i KNEW I wanted one more. I am NOT looking forward to teething...I hate teething, but I love my kids SO much and think how much fun and joy a new one will bring. They are the best things in my life, so another best thing must be good!

[HRAAB]

Nothing more than a feeling. After #2, I didn't feel done. After #3 - and I mean, seconds after his birth - that was it. It was like a switch went off. Done. And it never went on again.

This was me. After my twins were born, it was like a switch flipped. That door was closed. The family was complete. That feeling never changed. Plus dh was done. For once we were on the same page exactly at the same time. No regrets.

[73349]

I'm the oldest of 5, with big age gaps, and knew I did not want a big family. DH and I were thinking 2.

 

But after we had one, we felt that we were done. That feeling of needing a baby when I saw other people's kids was gone. Even as DS grew out of the baby and toddler stages--he was pretty high-maintenance through age 3--neither of us wanted another.

 

We could've afforded a second. We were still young enough (some people would say we still are). But we just didn't have the need.

[Momling]

I had our first daughter and my wife had our second but after a while I still felt kind of like I might like another, so we decided to do foster care. Now, after 5 years of that I am definitely clear that I am 100% done with raising small children. In fact, I just yesterday gave away all my baby stuff - the diapers and bottles and clothes and tricycles and high chairs and potty seats and everything. It felt good!

 

So... Have you considered doing some foster care? It's made me feel productive and useful and like I am helping our community. Even just doing some respite or short term emergency placements for a baby or toddler might help you figure out whether you can still tolerate the lack of sleep and diapers and such...

Edited June 4, 2016 by Momling

[lmrich]

Not that this will impact your decision... our third baby was super colicky and my husband made a 'snip' decision to make her our last. We had three in 4 years so we were overwhelmed. No regrets to be done with three. 

[Momling]

I had one baby and my wife had our second but after a while we still felt like we might want another, so we decided to do foster care.

Now, after 5 years of that I am definitely clear that I am 100% done with raising small children. In fact, I just yesterday gave away all my baby stuff - the diapers and bottles and clothes and tricycles and highs chairs and potty seats and everything. It felt good!

 

So... Have you considered doing some foster care? It's made me feel productive and useful and like I am helping our community. Even just doing some respite or short term emergency placements for a baby or toddler might help you figure out whether you can still tolerate the lack of sleep and diapers and such...

[fairfarmhand]

My three are really close in age. I didn't even think of having another one until late last year when my youngest was 3. That's how busy it is around here.

 

I'm now 40 yo and if I had another one there would be an age gap of 4 1/2 to 5 years between the last two. I don't want this last one to feel not close to his/her siblings.

 

We cannot afford it and a 4th c-section would be dangerous, but that's not why we are stopping. The main reason is this. I told myself if I could stay off of caffeine and take my vitamin for 2 months, then I was ready for another one. I couldn't do it. If I can't be responsible for the baby beforehand, then I wouldn't have time for it after it was born?

 

The realization for me is that I'm entering another stage in my life. I love being pregnant, love babies, love playing with them, and love teachinv children. But the reality is that I am past that stage. I'm welcoming this new phase.

 

And yes, I am getting more sleep and time to myself now. ;) I don't know if I want to give that up anymore.

 

Please note this is how I feel. I'm not implying that this is how all 40 year olds should feel. :)

 

This is something to stop and think about. I hope you find some peace soon.

 

My dhs grandmother was like 45 when she had her youngest.

 

Things to think about:

 

She was very old and feeble when her youngest's children were born/young. They don't remember her as the "play" and "fun" Nana. They remember her as the sewing, Nana that did crossword puzzles.

 

Not saying this to dissuade you, it's just wondering what kind of Grandma you want to be.

 

Have you thought about fostering or adopting a younger child? Like older toddler or preschooler?

 

[Spryte]

Our last arrived when DH was 40 and I was 39. She arrived through foster care, so no pregnancies, but we knew we needed one more. We have a 20 year age spread oldest to youngest. It's honestly a bit much. It works for us, but I see the appeal of having them closer together. Add to that, we have another "kid" ... Similar to your story, I took care of my best friend's child when she died. He was 14 when he came to me, and wow, did your post bring back a lot about the first year. So, really we have a 32 year age spread!

 

We have kicked around the idea of adopting one more, we have room, we can afford it. But our (my) energy resources are at their limit. We both feel done, mostly. Once in a while, DH will call and tell me about the baby that was on the plane or I'll see a little one and feel a twinge, but it doesn't mean we need another.

Edited June 3, 2016 by Spryte

[Crimson Wife]

Genetic testing that revealed my youngest's hearing loss is due to a double recessive mutation and any further children would have a 1 in 4 chance of the same thing. I don't think it would be ethical to have another bio child unless we did IVF with pre-implantation genetic screening to make sure the baby was healthy.  As we're pro-Life, I'm troubled by what to do with the embryos that we didn't implant. Leave them frozen until such time as gene therapy can cure the deafness? Donate them to science so that their cells could help others even though that would mean destruction of the individual?

 

Way too thorny an issue plus IVF with genetic testing is very expensive since it wouldn't be covered by our insurance.

[Ann.without.an.e]

It is amazing how you guys stepped in and took care of your nieces in such a terrible time.  Kudos to you!

 

I have a friend who is pregnant at 44 and another who had a baby at 46 so if you want a baby your clock isn't necessarily done.

 

I wanted another but at 35 I miscarried and at 37 I miscarried again.  Not that it matters, but these weren't super early miscarriages and we are hesitant to try again.  I have no idea what is going on with my body but I'm only 38 and my body seems done :(

[TravelingChris]

I have chronic illnesses and some of them get better with pregnancy.  We thought we wanted three or four children.  I had my first at 26  and my third at 34( almost 35).  By the time I had my third, it was a high risk pregnancy.  After that birth, I got significantly worse and had to go on stronger medicines. I had some difficulties carrying for the my daughter since my arthritis came back so strongly.  I coped but it made me think how my diseases would affect me later in life whne the youngest would be a teen.  We never had a fourth.  My parents died in their early 60's and I wanted to try to live till my youngest was out of college at a minimum.  That was increasingly less likely as I got older.  As it turned out, I got much worse when my youngest was in high school and I am very happy I did not have a fourth.

[pinkmint]

Only you and your DH can decide. But from what you shared, I would probably try. Pregnancy is never guaranteed. 

 

For us/ me, it's a weak financial situation, ability to cope with constant vomiting the first half of pregnancy, ability to cope with mothering duties, homeschool duties, and complete lack of any extended family support system that makes up the decision process. We are ok with being done but it's not "Weee! We're free!" kind of done. It's mixed feelings and bittersweet for me. Another baby is a nice idea but reality can be very harsh and I feel like we'd pretty much be asking for trouble with another, however kinda sad that is. 

[SporkUK]

Going through that physically again, dealing with all the stuff that goes with another, the desire to push all the issues because a[nother] baby would be worth it just disappeared near the end of my last pregnancy. Mostly, I just never want to deal with medical professions like we have to do during a pregnancy ever again - it's just too much stress and we don't have the desire that would make that stress worth it. At the end of the last one something just clicked and both my partner and I were both just 'we're not dealing with them again and we're not doing this again'. He had the snip soon after, and a couple years after that I went into premature menopause/ovarian failure so we're double done and with no regrets.

 

The relief of being done with that stage, done with all of that, and moving and planning forward without a thought on it was felt by the both of us - but many other people I know who decided to be done do not have that. It's a very personal thing. 

Edited June 3, 2016 by SporkUK

[BlsdMama]

How amazing that you raised your nieces.  Good for you and them.

 

Honestly? It sounds like you want this.

 

I've had babies at 19, in my twenties, and in my thirties.  I do have a bit less energy now at almost 40 than I had at 20.  But frankly, I couldn't sit still at 20.  I am still *very* active at 39, but I have the ability to be still once in a while.  If it's genetic, this will care on well into my sixties.  My mother is one of the most active people I know, only slightly less so than our 2yo son.   :D  I also (now) possess characteristics that counter that busy-ness. I have more patience.  I know that hard things (like less sleep, a crabby baby, challenging stages) are temporary and I have a much more well rounded picture of life and what IS important and what can slide.

I really take the time to sit and read with littles and I am more focused on them than on doing everything now.  Both of my grandmothers had gaps in kids (18 years and 13 years respectively from oldest to youngest, though they had big families.)  

 

I would say that, considering your age, you will have to gauge whether or not  you are willing to have a Down Syndrome child. Our eggs, at our age, are not quite as healthy as they once were. There are things you can do (self care) to minimize the risk more, but there must be an awareness of whether or not you are willing to take that on.  

 

Our current oldest is 20 and our youngest is 2.  There is nothing so sweet as seeing your 17yo hold your 2yo or your 20 year old read to your 3yo. The relationships are very real and warm even if they aren't like traditional sib relationships where they are "playmates" exactly. 

 

God made our decision.  We turned our fertility over to Him a long time ago and this was the plan He's had for us.  I don't know what your personal beliefs are but there is a lot of security in that freedom.  

Some things are hard - I hate being pregnant and my pregnancies are pretty difficult/challenging.  I must have a surgery with each one and often they get a little dicey at the end.  I also prefer older children and teens to little babies.  However, I've found that as I get older I have a far deeper sense of appreciation for each stage.  I enjoy where they are at each moment more than waiting for when they....... whatever.  

 

Our oldest kids turned out pretty good and we'll keep them but I think I was too inflexible and lacked an understanding of kids, ages/stages, and good parenting strategy/understanding.  Things that were molehills seemed like mountains and things that were mountains I took as molehills.  I didn't know which battles to pick. ;)

 

It is interesting, in a culture where you should either be horribly disappointed OR to the mountains thrilled to be pregnant, to be content in either situation. If God sends us another little one, how wonderful.  He/she will be loved and celebrated.  If we don't (11 week loss this past December) then I am content to revel in having two babies (youngest DD is 3 and youngest DS is 2) and enjoying the place I'm in.

 

I do think I have a unique perspective.  My dad's family (11 kids) is very close.  When my grandma had dementia and died they truly nurtured her.  Moreover, my grandfather is 93 and in assisted living currently.  He gets visitors daily - so many children, so many grandchildren.  He really fostered close relationships with us when we were all young and we feel that tie that binds very, very deeply.  He assured himself of visits and company and adoration through his entire life.  Now that he is in assisted living, I think he is so grateful for his family... While hard at the time (11 in 13 years) he says it was hard but worth it.  Not only that, but the weight of having an ill or aging parent does not fall on just one or two people.  It's a bit of a reverse to view it from that perspective and perhaps selfish, I'm not sure.  But I know, personally, I saw him visit and feed and care for his mother when she was 100+ and it will be a cold day (kwim) before I don't go visit him, love him, spend time with him.  He set an amazing example, raised many children, nurtured many relationships, took time for all of us, and he is now reaping what he sowed and carefully cared for, IMO.

 

No, I'm not sorry for a single one, and even now, in the throes of many young children and a lot of POURING OUT of myself, my time, and my energy, it is worthwhile.  I imagine it will only be more so as they age and move onto their own families.  I cannot im

agine a time in which another child doesn't equal more loving relationships?

 

Edited June 3, 2016 by BlsdMama

[lllll]

I had 3 ds's followed by 3 dd's, all average kids.  Oldest ds was from my brief, first marriage.  Rest are with my dh, and we're the same age.  Had my last when we were both 37yo.  Gaps between kids were 9 years, 20 months, 3 years, 2 years, and 3 years.  My oldest loved having younger brothers and sisters, so no problems there.  He used to be very close to his brothers, but isn't now due to other stuff. 

 

None of them were 'planned'.  They just kind of .... happened.  The only regret I have is having had my oldest when I was WAY too young and immature to have a child.  I made so many lousy decisions with him ... 

 

I would have loved to have had a few more kids, even at 37yo.  But after the last one was born, I just woke up one day and thought to myself 'Yeah, I'd love to have more kids.  Just not with THIS man (my dh).'  (I'm Christian, dh is not, rough marriage.)  So she was our last.  Dh went and got a vasectomy, his idea.  And I was sad about it for a while.  I felt like I was just hitting my stride in childrearing and suddenly it was 'over'.  But our marriage being what it was  .... it was the best decision.

 

I guess if I were in your place, I'd look at factors like your and your dh's health, money and jobs, whether you have anyone who could raise them should something happen to you and your dh, stuff like that.  If all that seemed fine, I'd go for it.  I think there is truly something about having kids around that keeps you young.  ;)

[Guest]

I will say it is NOT a crazy question. It's a question that has been discussed on this board many, many, many times.

 

First, God bless you for caring for your nieces as you have. The fact that you said your son "misses his sisters" speaks volumes to the kindness you have shown to those girls.

 

My background (condensed): I envisioned six or seven kids; possibly some of whom would be adopted or foster care children. Having a big family had been in my thoughts from about age 28. But things got all wonky along the way; we were underwhelmingly fertile; we lost a baby at birth; i had an early miscarriage; I learned there are some genetic/biological reasons why this was so; my youngest child was high risk and touch/go to the last minute. Despite all this, even after I had my youngest child, I was very bugged by having only three living children. That just seemed like such a tiny family. As my youngest was growing, I kept thinking, "I don't want to be at the beginning of the end!" I could not relate to all the "Shew! So glad to be over that hump! So done!" But all this while, DH was NOOOOOOOTT on board with having another child. Losing our daughter was, of course, a horrible event in our lives and I could have died as well. He could not see tempting fate in that way EVER again. Additionally, he is 8 years older than I am and felt/feels the pressures of working to support these kids much more than I did/do. No permanent fixes have taken place, but we were not super fertile under the best of conditions, so a surprise baby has never been too likely.

 

I pined for another baby through any avenue as I turned 40, 41, 42...43. I know a dozen moms with caboose babies and I kept feeling like, "Seeeeee? It's a sign!" But my tune did start to change at 43-ish. I really think a lot of it is hormone-driven and it is common to really want that one last baby before the door closes forever. But I am getting on the other side of those hormones now; I'm 45. I don't want another baby at all anymore. My last friend who had a caboose pregnancy caused me to have that first-ever thought of, "I am SO GLAD that is you and not me!" (I did not say this; I still believe all children are lovely blessings, planned or not, and I think older moms hear enough crap already.)

 

At this point, I do think there is a lot to enjoy about having "only" three kids. I can shower these kids with attention instead of being stuck in management mode. I KNOW DH and I have a lot less patience than we did twenty years ago. I feel like I have just enough patience to squeeze it out for my youngest and I feel very relieved that I don't have to face another fifteen-plus years of trying to be a great mom. I'm tired of homeschooling, too, and feel like I have gotten DS11 to a point where sending him to school wouldn't be the worst thing, but if I had another little child, I would have to figure out whether or not to grind theough nine or so more school years at home, or just send that kid to school straight off.

 

All that to say, of course only you can make this decision, but for myself, it worked out fine, even though I deeply wanted more kids for a solid decade. You said:

 

I know I've never heard anyone say, "I sure wish I hadn't have had THAT child". No one ever seems to regret adding another little child to their life, but that's not a reason to add a child, I don't think.

Yes, I think this is important. I would have happily added more kids to my life, and if that had happened, I'm sure I would be so happy we had added another child or three. ;) But, it didn't happen, wasn't in the cards or whatever and now I have contentment in the children I do have. I was so afraid, years back, that I would have such regret in not having more kids to raise, but now that I'm pretty much on the other side of that question, I am quite content. I look forward to a time when I may have grandchildren and may be able to do some of the things that I miss now, but I also just really enjoy having grown/growing kids with whom I can have real conversations, with whom I can share adult books and movies, and who I can just see what people they grow into. I am grateful for the children I do have and nowadays, don't spend any mental energy thinking about what could have been, beyond missing not seeing my baby girl grow up.

 

Tangentially, I also think that having lost a baby factored in to wanting another. Though it is true one child does not replace a lost child, there is still a sense that having another child would patch up some of what I missed. But at some point it was necessary to just focus on what I DO have and no longer worry about what I missed, which is not to say I can ever be "fine" with losing Lydia, but just that I shifted my focus to the three children I have been graciously given to raise. None of us knows what tomorrow will bring. We need to love deeply the gifts we have now moreso than pine for what we don't have.

[amy g.]

Age was the only factor for us. I simply got too old for a 6th baby.

 

We had our first 3 with less than 2 years between each one. I was done for 8 years, then I wanted to start all over. Dh did have some comments about how long he would need to work to support what would be almost 2 families, but he readily agreed.

 

I didn't want just 1 more baby at that point because I didn't want her to be lonely when the older kids grew up and moved out so I had #4 at 40 and #5 at 43.

 

The spread in age really is fantastic. I love everything about it except that few years when both my teenagers and my infants wanted 100% of me. Fortunately,we are past that stage now.

 

Finances didn't end up being an issue. Dh really does love his job. I don't see him retireing in the next 20 years, so he doesn't feel like the younger kids cost him his early retirement. In fact, now that the older kids are basically grown, he tells me at least once a day how thankful he is that we had the last 2.

 

Since having my last, I've had quite a few miscarriages, I feel ok with being done now. Dh surprised me a few weeks ago by mentioning that his work has great adoption benefits and he would look into it if I wanted to go that route. I assured him that I don't mind having a few years of rest before the grandkids start being born. Besides who lets 50 year olds adopt?

 

I'm happy with our family and how everything turned out, but I really did underestimate the demands of raising infants in a house full of teens.

 

Best of luck with your decision!

[SparklyUnicorn]

We wanted at least four, but I had horrible pregnancies. With our first I was hospitalized, needed a transfusion and almost ended up on the liver transplant waiting list. I recovered and had two more but each of the those pregnancies was difficult and high risk with bed rest, constant doctor visits, etc. I still have never really lost the feeling of wanting a least one more but the risks outweighed it for us.  Now that they are a bit older, I am starting to feel pretty content. I love being the mom of boys and being young enough to run around with them!

 

Whoa that's really rough!

[Prairie~Phlox]

I have not read all of the replies, but I am going to be 42 and my youngest is almost 15.  I'm ready for them to be done and out of the house so I can work and we can travel.  Love my kids, but after three preemies, I told DH that was it.  I'm glad we had them young and so close together, dd just graduated high school and ds is 16 1/2 & then almost 15 yo.  We want to enjoy things without being tied down.  Everyone needs to decide for themselves what is best though.

[sassenach]

This will probably not be helpful at all, because I was DONE at 24.

 

My factors- 4 kids, 3 in diapers, a VERY active 3rd child, and probably the biggest factor was that my 2nd is severely disabled and I felt like there was no more bandwidth without him getting the short end of the stick. 

 

I'm 36 now and in a million years I would not want to start over with a baby. I love babies, but I have fully embraced this new stage of parenting. Having a baby now would feel like landing on the big slide at the end of chutes and ladders.

[redsquirrel]

It wasn't the decision we wanted, we both would have had more kids. But it was the logical decision. 

 

We had difficulties conceiving our second, but there was no guarantee I would have had the same issues with a third.  However, the prospect of that was not something we looked forward to.  But, even if there hadn't been those issues, but then I was in my late 30s, and getting and being pregnant at that age can be more difficult. 

 

And then there were all the other things, like our house is small and we had no idea where we would put a third child. We would have to move up to a bigger car. Affording a third child was not looking easy. By keeping it to two, we can come much closer to giving the boys the life we envisioned. We can take vacations and they have music lessons and ballet. I'm not sure how that would have worked with three.

 

And it's nice to know that DS 2 is 11 and I can return to work soon. He will probably attend the local public high school in 4 years.  I like the idea of DH and I being empty nesters, each with our own job.  I like that they will be out of the house and on their own while DH and I will be earning an income and will be able to help them get established. Dh and I can live off his income and I can be putting my income away for our retirement and help the kids with their student loans.

 

And, while I agree (or hope ) that no parent says they regret a particular child, not having that third one has been the right decision. Do I sometimes wish for that third baby? yes. But I can live with it. You don't always get what you want.

 

[ktgrok]

Oh, DH was on the fence until we watched the old Lucille Ball movie, Yours, Mine, and Ours. For whatever reason, seeing the way the big kids helped the youngers, and everyone came together, had a HUGE impact on him. He agreed to another baby a day or two after watching it. 

[MotherGoose]

mine are 10, 7, and infant. I'm 41. I always sort of wanted that third child, although I put it off due to my loathing of pregnancy, and other issues. At about 38-39 we decided to let God decide if we needed another one. (Could not bring myself to actually TRY, but you hear so much about infertility and such as you age that I didn't really think it would happen--in fact, the month I got pregnant with him I'd decided that if it didn't happen that month, I was done.) in some ways I'd like to have a young sibling for him, but this last pregnancy was so hard on my body, and I've had three c sections, that I'm done. I will say that having an infant with the older two (girls, which probably helps), is easier in many ways than having two littles or a single baby. And they will soon be old enough to babysit! I'm more relaxed with this one--we recently all went on an international trip that I would've never tried with the others. When we stood in lines other moms of only one commented on how nice it was to have the entertainment committee for the baby. :) I'm very glad to have him, but we are done.

[hornblower]

I loved being pregnant, loved birthing, loved breastfeeding, loved attachment parenting, attachment learning, still love homeschooling ...  but I'm DONE.  

 

Give me puppies and dogs but no more kids.  

 

I want to spend my 50s and 60s doing other stuff, not hands on parenting of young kids. 

[J-rap]

Our #5 had health problems as an infant/toddler that we couldn't get to the bottom of and that were quite draining, so we decided to stop there.  (Besides, our minivan wouldn't have held anymore.  :))  Some years later, we did consider adopting an older child, but then my dh had his own health event.  We are very happy with what we have!  I wouldn't have minded having one or two more if it had worked out.

[AFwife Claire]

After we had #10, I realized that it's getting harder and harder for me to straddle such wildly different ends of homeschooling--nursing/sleepless nights and college applications--along with everything else in between (potty-training, teaching reading, all the other homeschooling, teaching people to drive, everything!).  So we made the decision to be done permanently, although dh never went back in to get a final all-clear or anything--because if he wasn't, and we did have another baby, we would totally be fine with that.  Obviously it would have been what the Lord wanted.  I can't wait for grandchildren!  All my kids are sad for our last baby, because she'll never get to be a big sister, although as I pointed out, there's always a last one, lol.  But hopefully there will be grandchildren before she is grown up!

 

I had my last when I was 41, and it was a fine pregnancy and delivery.  All mine have been, really.  I did have gestational diabetes for the last 3, but I think that really watching my diet and being faithful to exercise allowed me to feel better for those pregnancies than the ones right before.  I'm sure I have less energy now, but you know, it really doesn't matter.  Now I am mentally more tired from teaching high school science and Latin classes, which was a factor in us stopping.  Physically, though, I never was the kid of mom who took her kids out to a bunch of activities.  In fact, maybe having a big family was an excuse for me, lol.  Even for my first grandchild, I'll probably be the grandma who reads to them and does crossword puzzles! 

 

I agree with other posters--I LOVE seeing my older kids with my babies.  It is so heartwarming, and really, it makes having a baby a completely different thing now than it was when all I had were littles.  My older ones are so very helpful (and my first 4 are boys, so it's not like they are naturally little mother hens or anything).  It is SO nice to be able to leave them with the littles and run out to doctor appointments or to get groceries without dragging everyone along.  They don't feel burdened because the younger ones all entertain themselves and play by themselves really well.  They're just around in case something happens, or if a squabble breaks out, lol.  

 

I will say I have been glad to start getting rid of baby stuff.  For so long, we have never gotten rid of any stage of anything; we've only added more things as older kids got older.  And for the last few babies, we kept thinking, "We're not going to buy another [baby bathtub/bouncy seat/exersaucer/whatever] for #8 or 9 or 10, since s/he might be the last one . . ."  So we've been making do with things that it has given me great pleasure to finally throw out after all these years!  I've been a bit sad--but all the new space in our storage room makes me very happy!  (Well, not that happy, since any new space seems to immediately get filled up again . . . how does that happen?!  We've gotten rid of a LOT!)

[SKL]

Age.  My kids were born when I was 40 and I am not up to adding any more.  :)

 

I'm a single mom, so no shared duties.  Possibly shared duties might make a difference.  But maybe not.

[ErinE]

Nothing more than a feeling. After #2, I didn't feel done. After #3 - and I mean, seconds after his birth - that was it. It was like a switch went off. Done. And it never went on again.

Same for me. I see babies now and I can hold them, but I'm happy to give them back.

[Misha]

I broke my pelvis and had some internal damage after getting hit by a car right when I graduated high school. That led to issues and I was told I'd likely never be able to get pregnant and if I did, that I probably wouldn't be able to carry to term. 

 

I had three and went into early labor with all of them and was put on medication and bed rest. I didn't "do" pregnancy well. After my youngest was born I had a tubal. It was the healthiest option for me. 

 

 

[Georgiana Daniels]

Quite frankly, we were out of room.

 

I wish there was something deeper and more profound that went into it, but there you have it. Practicality.