I need people to tell me I'm not a terrible person

[PeacefulChaos]

Thank you again, everyone.  :)  You eased my mind today when I was overthinking.  

 

:grouphug:

 

Edited December 6, 2015 by PeacefulChaos

[Gentlemommy]

Not horrible. I would have done the same thing if I had that feeling. You didn't go and accuse him, he didn't even know you felt that way-you just made a minor adjustment in order to cover all your bases.

[speedmom4]

Why in the world would you feel like a jerk for wanting to protect your child???

[madteaparty]

Nope. I do not apologise for following my insticts. Further, you did not hurt anyone. Chin up mama!

[Aiden]

Your intuition was telling you something. Your brain says it was wrong. Society says you're wrong.

 

Read "The Gift of Fear." You won't care anymore what your brain or society says. Trust your intuition. Don't ruin anyone's life with unfounded accusations based on your intuition (not saying you're doing that here, you aren't), but trust it when it tells you a situation isn't safe, for you or for your daughter.

 

You did the right thing, even if it turns out to have been unnecessary.

[Ethel Mertz]

It's important to follow our Mama instincts. I would have done the same thing if I had that feeling.

[Miss Mousie]

Of course you're not a jerk!  :grouphug:   I totally understand the second-guessing, but there's no way you'd have gotten any sleep had you tried to convince yourself at the time.

 

I think you did the right thing.

[purplejackmama]

No way, not a jerk. Protecting your child (at all costs!!!) is your first priority. Also, you don't HAVE to allow sleepovers with this kid, or any kid really. You are in charge mama bear. Your intuition is a powerful tool, don't doubt yourself. Hugs!

[Valley Girl]

Aww, you didn't do anything wrong, honey. You followed your instincts. You didn't say anything or do anything to him. You just did what a parent is supposed to do--take care of your kid. But in the light of day, don't brush off that feeling. I would definitely say "no" to any future sleepovers. You don't have to give a reason. "It just won't work for us," is a fine answer. Hug Pink, hug your DH, and go bake some Christmas cookies or something fun (if that's your tradition).

[StephanieZ]

Nope. You're not a jerk. 

 

If you'd said/done something to the teen boy to make him feel suspected, that would have been awful. 

 

If you'd let your suspicions/unrest travel further than dh's ear, that'd be awful.

 

But, what's between your gut, your dh, and your sleeping young kid is 100% off the table for criticism. 

 

In the future, perhaps just don't let teen boys sleep upstairs in the house. Make it a new family rule that sleepovers need to be segregated by floor if possible. (That's what I've always done except for extremely close family/friends.) I've always banished boy sleepovers to the basement or tents in the yard (unless my girls were not at home). No non-related boys slept on the same floor as my girls. Period. (And dh & I's room is at the top of the steps on the same floor as the kids' rooms, so anyone heading up here would pass my door.)

 

 

 

 

[creekland]

Definitely better safe than sorry.  I've seen far too many instances of sorry IRL with people I know.

 

AND you didn't accuse anyone, nor did you set your dd up for fear.  You're just being a good mama.  There's an ideal world and a real world.  We live in the real world.  Bad things can happen in the real world.  

[Katy]

You handled that perfectly.  You followed your instinct, protected your DD, didn't accuse anyone or spread fear.

 

Great job!

 

I second reading  The Gift of Fear, and add Protecting the Gift to your reading list.

[Pawz4me]

You're not terrible at all.  You listened to your instincts.  Nobody was harmed at all by you doing that and taking the cautious approach.  I think you handled it perfectly.

[J-rap]

Trust your instinct on that, absolutely.

 

I had a similar experience once.  We were at a fancy, professional dinner theater.  It's a big event, and the announcer always comes on the stage ahead of time and tells the audience to please, PLEASE do not leave your seats during the performance.  Given that everyone is sitting at tables with dishes and glassware and everything is arranged just so, they don't want anyone getting up and causing a commotion and distracting everyone.  It's 95% adults with maybe a handful of kids (kids under a certain age aren't even allowed). 

 

We were there as a special event with our 8-year-old son, and wouldn't you know, in the middle of the show, he absolutely had to go to the bathroom.  We were also at a table in the front and center.  We made him hold off as long as possible, and then finally had to let him go.  He was able to very quietly crawl under the table and (which is where most of the commotion would have been!) and quietly snake his way through the aisles, and out the exit door way on the other side of the auditorium.  Now, he really didn't make any noise, though some people would have noticed a little shadowy figure, and the exit door open and close.

 

But then about 30 seconds after he left, a middle-aged man at a table near the exit door suddenly stood up and walked out. 

 

Now I knew that the lobby would be completely empty, since everyone was in the theater, and all I could think of was that my 8-year-old son was in the bathroom alone, and now strangely, this middle aged man had left and he was probably in the bathroom also. 

 

I took one look at my husband and we were both thinking the same thing.  I think I said, "Are you going, or am I?"  So, my husband had to make everyone else get up from the table in order to get out (because of how it was arranged), and of course it did make a commotion and his tall figure was noticed by everyone and I'm sure it was a big distraction, but that's the way it goes. 

 

It all happened very quickly, and he was in the men's restroom within two minutes after the man had left, and our son was still in one stall and the man in another.  Nothing had happened, yet, and maybe nothing would have.  It could have been absolutely completely a coincidence, but my gut instinct in that episode was so powerful, there's no way in the world I could have just sat there and not done anything.

Edited December 6, 2015 by J-rap

[kewb]

Nothing wrong with what you did. I would have done the same. I am a believer in following your instincts.

Accusing the teenager of thinking about doing something, that would be wrong.

[Cinder]

:grouphug:   I agree with the others--not a horrible jerk just because you trusted your gut. I think it's great that your dh trusted that instinct as well.

[PeacefulChaos]

Okay, seriously, guys, you have no idea how much I needed to hear this.  I'm tearing up lol.  

 

Seriously.  Thank you.

[zimom]

I know many think I am over-protective, but I do have some background to make me this way.  My DS, DD1 and DD2 are each 6 years apart.   When we built our house we purposely put DS on another floor from  DD1 and DD2 so that when his friends spend the night they would not be on the same floor as the girls.   It is an understood rule in our house that unrelated boys and girls are not to sleep on the same floor.   

[foxbridgeacademy]

I'd have done the same, and the teen doesn't know why you had your daughter sleep with you so no one was hurt.

[JoJosMom]

I totally agree with the above.  I'm going to quibble with the "instincts" stuff, though.  Remember, your brain is taking in and processing WAY more data than just the stuff you are consciously aware of. That "creepy feeling" or "instinct" is likely your brain processing signs and saying "DANGER, DANGER!!"  Good job, mama, for protecting your baby.

 

(Edited because part of my response didn't post originally.)

Edited December 6, 2015 by JoJosMom

[38carrots]

I can't understand your logic about feeling horrible about it?  As I was reading it, I thought you were going to say you DIDN'T go and get her. That's the weirdest JAWM I've read. Is someone giving you trouble over this? Why are you so hard on yourself? :grouphug:

[momto10blessings]

Never apologize for protecting your child or following your motherly instinct.

[shawthorne44]

I wouldn't allow the teenager to stay at your house again.  Yes, he didn't do anything.  But, I completely believe that you saw something.  Maybe a microexpression of lust while looking at your DD. 

 

I was probably not the only one reading your post and had that Shouting At The TV reaction.   You know when you are watching a horror movie and you try to tell the actors what they should do.  "Hit him again"  or "Run" or "Don't open that door!"  

[tammyw]

This reminds me of Gavin De Becker's books (The Gift of Fear and Protecting the Gift). It is NEVER wrong to trust your gut, or to do something vs not doing something and having regret. That's not to say the kid is bad or that something would have happened, but you had a weird feeling in the past, and you have to do whatever you can to make sure there's not even the slightest chance something could happen or even that you would have any regrets. Imagine something did happen, and you have to relive a million times those moments when you wished you would have just gotten her. You did the right thing.

[sassenach]

Props to the hubs for following your instincts so quickly.

 

DD almost always sleeps in our room when ds has a sleepover (which is pretty rare). We tell her that we don't want the boys keeping her up, which is true, but it's also a protective measure.

[abba12]

Instinct is vital, and real. I personally know of two cases where random instinct protected a child. 

 

I absolutely would have done exactly the same thing. 

 

You didn't accuse the boy of anything, in fact he probably has no idea anything happened at all. All you did was take a non-disruptive measure in response to instinct. Good job protecting your little one mama (whether or not they needed it)

[Tammyla]

:hurray:  :grouphug:  :hurray:   You are an excellent mom and deserve a big hug for listening to your protective mommy instinct.  Never, never be ashamed of it.

[livetoread]

My only quibble would be in trusting that instinct too much either way. We can pick up on clues, yes, but we miss a lot also. We are very prone to misjudging people. I would simply always have my six year old sleep in my room if teenaged boys other than her brother were sleeping in the house on the same floor-especially if I had an instinct, but even if I didn't.

[T'smom]

I agree with the previous posters. You absolutely did the right thing!

[Chris in VA]

I think you are brave, really, because you followed your instinct or brain or whatever, risking appearing foolish.

Good for you!

[Zebra]

I think your solution was perfect.  You didn't accuse the kid, you didn't make a big deal of it.  And extra kudos to DH for simply sleeping in dd's room.

 

BUT, you shouldn't let this kid sleep in your house anymore.  Maybe he's totally innocent, but if it's going to make you this uncomfortable it's not worth it.

 

 I know you didn't ask my opinion on that, but there it is anyway :) !

[TammyS]

If you're not usually like that, then you would be INSANE not to go and get her.  Maybe it's about the boy, maybe it's not, but you clearly have picked up on something and that would be good enough for me.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Not a horrible jerk at all.  If you feel uneasy and the fix was something so simple, what is the harm?

 

 

[ThisIsTheDay]

Agreeing with the rest.  As I was reading, I thought you were going to say you DIDN'T go get her.  You did absolutely the right thing, you are not a horrible person at all.

 

Always better to be safe than sorry.

 

This is not a JAWM answer to your post, I'd say this regardless.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Mommy22alyns]

You are not a terrible person.   :grouphug:   I would have done the same thing.

[HRAAB]

I know this was a JAWM, but you are not a jerk in any way.

 

Our neighbors grandson used to come over to play with my girls. For several reasons (mainly feelings), I was never completely comfortable with him and would keep a close eye on him. Fast forward 10 years, and I just found out he molested his little sisters. He's back living with his grandparents until his court date. Now I have no bad feelings about saying he isn't allowed on our property.

 

Sometimes our feelings are wrong but better safe than sorry.

[Garga]

We had a thread a few months ago about all the times we (hive members as a whole) acted on a "bad feeling" and it turned out our feelings were correct and we saved ourselves trouble. 

 

Your instincts may or may not have been right in this case, but don't apologize for being on the safe side.

 

Actually, if anything, I think it's pretty frightening that you're feeling like a jerk now.  This makes me worry that the next time you have an instinct, you won't act on it because you'll convince yourself you're a jerk, when you are actually being smart all along. 

 

We're highly intelligent creatures and we have a strong will to survive. We're made to recognize danger and to protect ourselves against it.  Sometimes I think we get so cultured that we lose that animal part of our brains that shouts DANGER to us.  We forget that we do actually live in a dangerous world, even if there aren't bears and jaguars attacking.  We don't have to apologize for doing what we need to do to survive and protect our young.  It's normal and good to act on an "instinct." 

 

Someone else on the thread has probably already mentioned it, but our "instincts" about danger are usually little signs and tells that another person is transmitting.  We receive those messages in that primitive part of our brain and we correctly interpret a situation as dangerous. 

 

In the book The Gift of Fear, the author's job is to protect people (I believe he owns a bodyguard company) and he has interviewed many people after an attack from another person.  Some people have avoided the attack or just "knew" something was wrong.  When they have time to break it down and answer his questions, there are usually all sorts of little clues--facial expressions, stories not quite adding up, etc,--that make it very clear that their "instinct" was just an intelligent brain very quickly putting the clues together and shouting out DANGER before the person even realized their brain was working that fast.

Edited December 6, 2015 by Garga

[JumpyTheFrog]

Good job. I also third the idea of not letting him sleep over again. Perhaps part of your brain has noticed microexpressions from him that indicate something bad, but your conscious part can't say why you feel uncomfortable.

[momacacia]

Good job, Mamma! I'd have done the same.

[Mergath]

My only quibble would be in trusting that instinct too much either way. We can pick up on clues, yes, but we miss a lot also. We are very prone to misjudging people. I would simply always have my six year old sleep in my room if teenaged boys other than her brother were sleeping in the house on the same floor-especially if I had an instinct, but even if I didn't.

 

:iagree:  I don't think the OP did anything wrong, but it's good to keep in mind that you never know what subconscious prejudices your intuition might be based on. Maybe you (general you) feel a person is creepy because you picked up on a microexpression. Or maybe it's because you watched a horror movie ten years ago and he looks exactly like the killer in the movie, but your conscious mind has forgotten it and you're left with a vague, unsettled feeling. Instinct is a useful tool, but it's not infallible. I'm not a big fan of "The Gift of Fear" because it seems to make people believe any kind of behavior is justified if it's based on instinct. 

 

Like I said, I don't think the OP did anything wrong at all, but I hope she doesn't ban the kid from her house because of a squicky feeling.

[freesia]

Your intuition was telling you something. Your brain says it was wrong. Society says you're wrong.

 

Read "The Gift of Fear." You won't care anymore what your brain or society says. Trust your intuition. Don't ruin anyone's life with unfounded accusations based on your intuition (not saying you're doing that here, you aren't), but trust it when it tells you a situation isn't safe, for you or for your daughter.

 

You did the right thing, even if it turns out to have been unnecessary.

Exactly.

 

I always listen to those types of feeling. Don't feel badly for a moment.

[Denise in Florida]

Your intuition was telling you something. Your brain says it was wrong. Society says you're wrong.

 

Read "The Gift of Fear." You won't care anymore what your brain or society says. Trust your intuition. Don't ruin anyone's life with unfounded accusations based on your intuition (not saying you're doing that here, you aren't), but trust it when it tells you a situation isn't safe, for you or for your daughter.

 

You did the right thing, even if it turns out to have been unnecessary.

 

 

I have not read "the Gift of Fear" but now I am going to look it up.

 

I have told my girls (age 22 and 24) many times to listen to their feelings if they are uncomfortable, and not let fear of seeming rude get them into situations they don't like. 

 

Instincts are important, you don't need to explain them to anyone else. It doesn't have to be a 'judgement' of anyone else in particular just 'no, thank you, I don't xyz"

[PeacefulChaos]

I appreciate everything you guys are saying a lot.

 

 

 

Last night I felt good about doing it.  I fell asleep knowing that I was doing the right thing, even if just for my own peace of mind.  

Then, you know, daylight comes and I couldn't help but think Was I judging him?  Was I putting too much emphasis on my own feelings?  Should I have just left it alone?  I'm sure it would have been fine... etc, etc.  

 

It was like my 'mom' self was thinking it's okay, nothing was hurt by it but my overly-logical self was chiding mom me for being mom me.  If that makes sense lol.  :lol: :lol:

 

 

I have thought about reading the books mentioned in the thread.  I'm not someone generally given to suspicion or fear or anything like this (we've had other people stay and I've never had anything like this happen), and I have a gift card for Books A Million that I'm needing to use, so I may get them and read them.  

[PeacefulChaos]

No idea why it double posted.  :)

Edited December 6, 2015 by PeacefulChaos

[Denise in Florida]

We had a thread a few months ago about all the times we (hive members as a whole) acted on a "bad feeling" and it turned out our feelings were correct and we saved ourselves trouble. 

 

Your instincts may or may not have been right in this case, but don't apologize for being on the safe side.

 

Actually, if anything, I think it's pretty frightening that you're feeling like a jerk now.  This makes me worry that the next time you have an instinct, you won't act on it because you'll convince yourself you're a jerk, when you are actually being smart all along. 

 

We're highly intelligent creatures and we have a strong will to survive. We're made to recognize danger and to protect ourselves against it.  Sometimes I think we get so cultured that we lose that animal part of our brains that shouts DANGER to us.  We forget that we do actually live in a dangerous world, even if there aren't bears and jaguars attacking.  We don't have to apologize for doing what we need to do to survive and protect our young.  It's normal and good to act on an "instinct." 

 

Someone else on the thread has probably already mentioned it, but our "instincts" about danger are usually little signs and tells that another person is transmitting.  We receive those messages in that primitive part of our brain and we correctly interpret a situation as dangerous. 

 

In the book The Gift of Fear, the author's job is to protect people (I believe he owns a bodyguard company) and he has interviewed many people after an attack from another person.  Some people have avoided the attack or just "knew" something was wrong.  When they have time to break it down and answer his questions, there are usually all sorts of little clues--facial expressions, stories not quite adding up, etc,--that make it very clear that their "instinct" was just an intelligent brain very quickly putting the clues together and shouting out DANGER before the person even realized their brain was working that fast.

 

 

Think about the advice you will give your dd when she heads off into the world. :)  You will tell her 'go with your instincts' and you won't care two hoots if she feels 'rude' or 'weird' about it.  

 

Actual quotes to my college age dds  "If you don't want to get in that car, don't do it!"  "I don't care if you offend your friend!" and yes I have had calls at midnight that her friends went somewhere she would not go and I went and picked her up. 

Edited December 6, 2015 by Denise in Florida

[MercyA]

Wow, 100% agreement from the Hive? I think it's official that you're not a terrible person.  :)

 

*Absolutely* you did the right thing, but I would go further and make it an official policy every time there is a sleepover.

[J-rap]

Don't overthink it.  You did the right thing.  Get used to trusting your gut (even if you're wrong sometimes!), and your children will learn to do that as well.

 

I'm from a Scandinavian environment where no one wants to offend anyone.  It's hard.  I've had to work hard to get my kids to have an "I don't care, I'm going to do what I think is right no matter how it appears" attitude.  Being too polite can be harmful sometimes. 

 

I appreciate everything you guys are saying a lot.

 

 

 

Last night I felt good about doing it.  I fell asleep knowing that I was doing the right thing, even if just for my own peace of mind.  

Then, you know, daylight comes and I couldn't help but think Was I judging him?  Was I putting too much emphasis on my own feelings?  Should I have just left it alone?  I'm sure it would have been fine... etc, etc.  

 

It was like my 'mom' self was thinking it's okay, nothing was hurt by it but my overly-logical self was chiding mom me for being mom me.  If that makes sense lol.   :lol: :lol:

 

 

I have thought about reading the books mentioned in the thread.  I'm not someone generally given to suspicion or fear or anything like this (we've had other people stay and I've never had anything like this happen), and I have a gift card for Books A Million that I'm needing to use, so I may get them and read them.  

 

[Halftime Hope]

When I was a kid, I took piano lessons from a teacher who taught in her home.  My mother, unlike most of the other moms, stayed while I had lessons.  Thirty or so years later, we found out that many of the teacher's students were molested by the teacher's spouse while at their home for lessons.  (No, I don't know how exactly it happened--kinda boggles the mind--but there was a significant trust level with the couple and the community the students came from.)

 

I don't know what triggered my mother's protective instincts, but I'm forever grateful to her. 

 

I'm a firm believer in acting on the warning signals and also in taking appropriate, "reasonable person" precautions, and then relaxing and enjoying the new situation/event/surroundings.

 

I'm impressed with both your actions and your dh's.  Well done, mama!

 

From the voice of experience--I've already raised my kids--the only thing I'd have done *in addition* would be to ask your dh to also check on the boys.  Dh and I have peeked in on many a group of teens over the years--me taking a quick look if it was a group of girls, and him if it was a group of boys--and I've almost always rested easier afterward. (Quirky things can happen with even good-hearted teens--ha--but that's a different story!)

[Seasider]

Well, no one has said this and I will probably actually be the one labeled jerk for mentioning it, but... I would be observant of the interactions between this young man and your son, as well. Especially if the visitor has a strong personality, stronger than your son's.

[Kareni]

I think you absolutely did the right thing by following your instinct.

 

Regards,

Kareni