Non-Functioning

[MrsWeasley]

My husband told me he wants to get divorced last night. We've struggled for a while, but I had thought we had been doing better. I've been trying especially hard to be who he wants me to be. I feel pretty blindsided. Other than taking my middle child to violin this morning, I have been completely non-functioning: pretty much crying or sleeping while the kids run feral all day. I have somewhere I need to take my eldest where I can't take my littles: he was supposed to watch them, but I have no idea what he's doing.

 

We got together as a freshman in high school. I have never in my adult life been alone, and I'm terrified.

 

I dropped out of college to raise our children. I have never worked a job that made more than a couple dollars over minimum wage, and I haven't worked at all since we had our oldest. The house and cars are all in his name. Most of the credit cards are and all the rest are in joint accounts. The house is a fixer upper that I couldn't handle by myself.

 

I am socially isolated and have no one to talk to about this IRL. IDK what to do. Just breathing is hard. I just keep praying it was a moment of insanity and he'll come home like everything is normal. But I don't think that's going to happen. I just want someone to tell me what to do.

 

So, in the days after the initial disclosure, what are the absolute most important things to maximize my chances of keeping custody of our children and being able to support us?

[goldberry]

:grouphug:  No advice, but you need hugs as well as advice..

[Jean in Newcastle]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Guest]

Do you have family you can turn to?

[nevergiveup]

I'm so very sorry.

I would think the first thing to do would be get a lawyer.

[myfunnybunch]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: :grouphug:  

 

You are strong enough to survive this, no matter what the outcome.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Guest]

Do you have access to cash? You might want to keep cash on hand in case things go really bad. I'm sorry but you have to protect yourself.

[Happy]

Know what's in the bank accounts.

Talk to a lawyer about what to do first, second, and third.

 

Have you done counseling yet?

 

Hugs. I cannot imagine how difficult this is.

[Word Nerd]

:grouphug:

[Guest]

I am terribly sorry. What a horrible blow...and your kids are so little. :( I have no BTDT experience; just (((hugs)))).

[lllll]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

[purpleowl]

I don't have any advice, but I'm so very sorry that you're dealing with this pain and uncertainty. *hugs*

[displace]

I recommend posting on marriage builders. They have a 101 forum and a divorce forum. :(

 

You saying you've been blind sided makes me wonder why he wants a divorce suddenly, as in, is there an underlying reason (or person)? I doubt you would want to post here but marriage builders can help you figure it out if you wanted.

 

I don't know much about custody but the posters there do have experience with child custody and helping during crisis to give insight, though the 101 forum gets more hits than divorce forum.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this and I wish some times of functioning through this.

[happi duck]

(Hugs)

[Pink and Green Mom]

I am so sorry. 

 

I would get to a divorce lawyer ASAP.  Call one right now. 

 

you need to protect yourself.  I do not know if this is "legal" but I had a friend in the same situation and she did this - go and take out some money from your ATM right this minute so you have some cash in case you are locked out of the house/credit cards are cancelled (I am not suggesting you take all the money, just some so you could at least get a hotel room for a night if you had to).  If things are not quite that dire (although honestly, you never know) go to the grocery store every day.  At the grocery store, buy a visa check card (that you can later use a cash) in addition to a few groceries.  Start making every purchase (and do this daily - like go to the grocery store, the drug store, etc) on a debit card and get $20, $40 whatever out as cash back and stash it somewhere safe.

 

Go to your bank and get a bank statement for every account.  Today.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I don't have advice either.  I'm so sorry.  Relationships are not about trying to be who the other person wants you to be.  That is not right.  Maybe call a crisis line to get started with help.  

[Night Elf]

Call an attorney immediately. Maybe he's still in the thinking stage or it's possible he has an attorney already lined up. You need to protect yourself and the kids. I second getting cash out. I also think you should contact family just in case you need some place to stay. Take nothing verbally. Get everything in writing. I wish I did.

[zoobie]

:grouphug:

 

Regarding this:

"I've been trying especially hard to be who he wants me to be."

 

That's not ever going to work. I'm so sorry you're in a situation where you feel that way! More :grouphug:

 

And absolutely get to a lawyer ASAP. Tomorrow.

[AimeeM]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

Get a lawyer.

 

IMMEDIATELY copy all financial statements you can get your hands on. Back up any Quicken data to a thumb drive and give the info to a trusted person for safekeeping. I would also take your jointly-held credit cards and go buy gift cards for your grocery store and/or Walmart and gas in case you no longer have access to money.

[Saddlemomma]

BTDT. 

 

• First of all.... :grouphug: . 
• Second, talk with dh tonight and see if he is firm about this.  If so, then tell him you both need to discuss the logistics of how it's going to proceed.  Try to be as calm as you can.  Being emotional (however hard it is not to be emotional) may only push him away. Take notes.  Explain that by taking notes, you are laying out the framework for the divorce so things will be clear and concise for the court.
• Third, research the divorce laws of your state so you will be ready for the fourth step.
• Fourth, get a lawyer; explain your situation, show him your notes, and ask him for financial advice.  If the lawyer gives the go-ahead, go to the bank and open an account in just your name.  You can then, if necessary, transfer some of the money from your joint accounts into your own new account.  Split the funds down the middle.  I worked in a bank (thankfully) when my ex-dh turned up, after 3 days of not knowing where he was, to advise me he wanted a divorce so he could be with his new girlfriend.  The first thing I did was move money around so I would have somewhat of a cushion, and it wouldn't be used for the "girlfriend". 
• Fifth, document everything.  Keep a notebook with times, dates, and actions.  For example, today you can list that he wasn't available to take care of the kids when agreed upon and the ramifications of that fact, if there were any.
• Sixth, see if you can find a support group for those in the process of, or contemplating, divorce.  They can have tremendous resources to help you.

That's all I can think of now. You are not doing any of the above to be mean, spiteful, or in retaliation.  However, you need to be proactive to protect your interests and those of your children.  You do not need to disclose that you are doing any of the above (other than #2 of course) to your dh unless, in your judgement, it's appropriate to do so.

 

HTH, and I'm so terribly sorry you're going through this.

 

 

[LucyStoner]

First, hugs. That's very hard to hear from your spouse.

 

Consult a lawyer. You can usually have a free consult with one over the phone or in person to pick one you click with.

 

Open up a bank account and credit card in your own name. You can list total household income for the credit card application until you are legally separated. Don't use it much, just have it. Put some money in your own bank account and start setting aside cash.

 

Get copies of all financial statements. Bank, retirement, credit, mortgage.

 

Consider your options. As a "displaced homemaker" you can probably access some job training benefits through your state. It's federally funded but what is available varies.

[kewb]

I am sorry you are going through this.

First hire a divorce attorney.

Second find out what your assets are. Bank accounts, retirement funds, etc. Make yourself copies.

Open up your own bank account and credit card.

Document everything.

When you reach the point of divorce terms make sure you get in the divorce decree that you can accept a job anywhere. You should not have to limit your job opportunities because you have to stay within a certain mile radius. Get in writing that he is responsible for half of everything you can think of and list it. Music lessons, horseback riding lessons, art lessons, sports fees, college, braces, summer camp. Everything needs to be spelled out and listed in black and white.

[Butter]

I am so sorry.  I have no advice, but I think what others have said is very good and useful.

[MommaOfalotta]

I am so sorry :grouphug:

 

 

I'm not sure if it will help or not.. but about two years into our marriage, I left dh. As I was pulling out of the driveway of our (foreclosed) home our nosy old neighbor lady stopped me to talk. I told her we were getting a divorce and she responded, "Well you never know, you may end up changing your mind." I wanted to smack her because she knew nothing about the situation. She didn't know how furious I was with dh. How I was totally convinced that I hated him and could never forgive him. I would have bet anything I'd never change my mind.. I had never felt so sure of anything in my life.. and yet, here we are. A few months later we reconciled and have never looked back. We've also never been happier. I understand that I know nothing of your situation, but I believe that it's never too far gone. We were only separated a few months but what we did to each other... whew, if we can make it back from that place, anyone can. And you never know, he may end up changing his mind.

 

I will be praying for you and your family. I've been with dh since high school as well, and never worked outside the home, so I totally understand you feeling terrified. Breaks my heart. Prayers  :grouphug:

[OH_Homeschooler]

I don't have advice either.  I'm so sorry.  Relationships are not about trying to be who the other person wants you to be.  That is not right.  Maybe call a crisis line to get started with help.  

 

The bolded is so true. And I know right now you feel nothing but grief and confusion and that will be the case for awhile, but eventually you will see how great it is to be who YOU want to be. 

[AnnE-girl]

I'm so sorry. I don't have advice to add, other than to second the recommendation to talk to a lawyer as soon as possible.

[Samm]

This is a big deal.  

 

Note (as in a notebook) today's failure of his to keep up his obligations.  You want to call a babysitter right now.  If you husband is supposed to be watching kids now but is somehow unavailable (i.e. unreachable) on such a traumatic day, his backing out of childcare  responsibilities when he knew you would be beside yourself does not paint a good picture for later.   Whether the parents are sad or not, insensitive or not, the kids need an adult looking out for their interests and I'm sorry to say that it is not him.  If it is not you today (understandable!), get another adult.  Pay them and issue a receipt.  This shows you and him in a very sobering light that you were always icy serious from the very start about putting the kids interests first. 

 

It is possible that he has already consulted a divorce lawyer or family lawyer. 

 

Do you know how to back-up (copy) computer drives?  You buy a disk from Best Buy and copy the whole thing.  If necessary, carry every computer to a disk repair place and pay them to copy it for you.

 

There will be time to feel feelings later.  This is not the time.  You also do not particularly need friends this very second.  You need cold water to drink and rinse your face with.  You need in this order, a babysitter, a family lawyer and a computer technician if you don't know how to copy drives.

 

 

[Junie]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: Hugs for you and your precious kiddos.

[SparklyUnicorn]

If it is any consolation, there are many women in your exact position who do not loose their kids.  Even mothers who are druggies, drunks, mentally unstable, etc.  It actually takes quite a bit for that to happen.

 

And the non-functioning thing is a normal reaction.  If you can, try to be motivated by your goal to make sure you and your kids have the best outcome here.  Sometimes when I'm frazzled beyond repair that is what keeps me going.  That I have a goal and I will do everything in my power and then some to make things better.  I start with something.  Any little thing.  I bug the crap out of people with questions an ask for help. 

 

I'm currently dealing with something myself and I can't tell you how damn awful I feel at the moment.  If you hear a primal scream, that's me. 

 

 

[Minerva]

((Big Hugs))

[Anne in CA]

Do not just get a lawyer, get a GREAT lawyer. It will cost more money, you will make back the money you spend in child support and alimony and your property settlement. I have worked with countless middle aged women over the years who got a cheap lawyer and were "nice" during the divorce hoping to reconcile and trying to keep things easy for the kids. They did not reconcile, the kids are mad about mom having to work three minimum wage jobs to barely  support them while dad has a great new house with his new wife. 

 

DO NOT BE NICE! This is not the time. Be nice after you get all the legally allowable alimony, child support, 1/2 of his retirement and 1/2 of the equity in your house. Until then, you need to be a B*tch. 

 

I am sorry. Really, truly, I will pray for you. This is rotten, you don't deserve it.  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Greta]

I am so sorry. I don't really have anything to add to the great advice you've already been given (I strongly agree with it: get a lawyer, procure some cash, and start documenting everything) and I know that hearing "I'm sorry" is of no help to you right now. I just wanted to say it anyway. You will be in my thoughts. :grouphug:

[gardenmom5]

I'm so sorry.

considering how many things are in his name - I would strongly urge the very first thing you do is consult a divorce attorney.  you need to protect yourself - and your children. 

[Rosie_0801]

Remember: You are not friends any more.

 

You are not even allies in considering the children's best interests any more, as he demonstrated today. BUT, and this is very important, the court expects you to be anyway.

 

Get a lawyer, obviously, and get yourself and your kids counselling asap. What the kids say to their counsellor can be used if he takes you to court for full custody. What they say to you doesn't count for much at all. Keep records of all homeschooling you do, if you don't already, including all social time. If he's going to throw a tantrum and decide he doesn't approve of homeschooling any more, socialisation will be one of the things he will try and use against you. 

[LMD]

Oh gosh, I'm so very sorry. Have you got someone IRL you can talk to? Maybe your family doctor?

[gardenmom5]

I don't have advice either.  I'm so sorry.  Relationships are not about trying to be who the other person wants you to be.  That is not right.  Maybe call a crisis line to get started with help.  

 

 

:iagree:   this struck me as well.   that's a big red flag.  (along with everything in his name, and not both your names)

 

and do document.  go through his papers - you don't know what he has hidden.  it is unlikely this was a spur of the moment thing to him, but that he has been planning this.  people who plan this sort of thing often hide money/commodeties so it looks like they have fewer assets to split.  if all of his papers have already been moved out - you can bet your bottom dollar he has already thought through all these things and that is a bad sign.

 

document *everything*.  especially bills, bank accounts, phone records, etc.  I have an aunt who received a bill for a safe deposit box after her dh unexpectedly died.  she had no knowledge of it - and he had squirreled things away in it.

[Elvis and Miss Kitty]

This is a big deal.  

 

Note (as in a notebook) today's failure of his to keep up his obligations.  You want to call a babysitter right now.  If you husband is supposed to be watching kids now but is somehow unavailable (i.e. unreachable) on such a traumatic day, his backing out of childcare  responsibilities when he knew you would be beside yourself does not paint a good picture for later.   Whether the parents are sad or not, insensitive or not, the kids need an adult looking out for their interests and I'm sorry to say that it is not him.  If it is not you today (understandable!), get another adult.  Pay them and issue a receipt.  This shows you and him in a very sobering light that you were always icy serious from the very start about putting the kids interests first. 

 

It is possible that he has already consulted a divorce lawyer or family lawyer. 

 

Do you know how to back-up (copy) computer drives?  You buy a disk from Best Buy and copy the whole thing.  If necessary, carry every computer to a disk repair place and pay them to copy it for you.

 

There will be time to feel feelings later.  This is not the time.  You also do not particularly need friends this very second.  You need cold water to drink and rinse your face with.  You need in this order, a babysitter, a family lawyer and a computer technician if you don't know how to copy drives.

I agree, it is a very big deal.  My ex-husband did the same thing to me last year.  

  

When you can think straight start writing down everything that you think you and your children will need to survive.  Write it down no matter how insignificant it may seem.  Because at some point it will be.

 

I am very sorry that you are having to go through this (and I really hope you and your husband can work things out). But if you don't, protect yourself.  

[catz]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

I'm so sorry.   I think you've gotten some good advice.  Dig deep to find yourself some people to lean on in person.  Family?  Church community?  Friends?  Lawyer up immediately for sure.  If you need to enroll your kids in school, simplify activities, or whatever, don't sweat it.  Your kids are young and they'll be ok.  Do what you have to do. Give yourself time.  You WILL feel better. 

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

I agree with get a good lawyer asap. Also, I would never leave your home unless advised by your lawyer or some other dire situation like safety since even though the house and other things are in his name you may be entitled to half or more depending upon where you live. Try to get copies of all bank and financial statements. If you are close to being married for 10 years, avoid finalizing the divorce before then since you will entitled to his social security checks if you hit the 10 year mark. Obviously ask a lawyer all these things and do not agree or sign anything for your husband without your lawyer's approval. :grouphug:

[Arcadia]

:grouphug:

Get a lawyer and document all assets. Make copies of all the income tax returns and property tax bills. If the house is not paid up, make a copy of the recent mortgage bills too.

 

Not sure if he would want to put kids in PS but be prepared mentally for that.

 

If your username is your real lastname, you might want to change your username.

 

(along with everything in his name and not both your names)

When we bought our house here, the bank mortgage officer thought my name can't be on the house because the loan is in hubby's name only. After the mortgage officer made lots of phone call to clarify, both our names are on the house but only hubby's name is on the mortgage.

 

For our family car, only hubby's name is on the car. The car loan was in his name only at time of buying and is already paid off now. I can't drive so it is pointless in our case to bother adding my name to the car deed.

 

The bank accounts are joint as well as OP having supplementary credit cards so I won't assume evil intent on the house and car.

 

ETA:

The divorces in my extended family were amiable with regards to custody and finances.

[NoseInABook]

I'm so sorry. Praying for you and the kids. 

[Seasider]

This is a big deal.

 

Note (as in a notebook) today's failure of his to keep up his obligations. You want to call a babysitter right now. If you husband is supposed to be watching kids now but is somehow unavailable (i.e. unreachable) on such a traumatic day, his backing out of childcare responsibilities when he knew you would be beside yourself does not paint a good picture for later. Whether the parents are sad or not, insensitive or not, the kids need an adult looking out for their interests and I'm sorry to say that it is not him. If it is not you today (understandable!), get another adult. Pay them and issue a receipt. This shows you and him in a very sobering light that you were always icy serious from the very start about putting the kids interests first.

 

It is possible that he has already consulted a divorce lawyer or family lawyer.

 

Do you know how to back-up (copy) computer drives? You buy a disk from Best Buy and copy the whole thing. If necessary, carry every computer to a disk repair place and pay them to copy it for you.

 

There will be time to feel feelings later. This is not the time. You also do not particularly need friends this very second. You need cold water to drink and rinse your face with. You need in this order, a babysitter, a family lawyer and a computer technician if you don't know how to copy drives.

This advice sounds quite cold hearted BUT considering you must act in the best interest of providing for your children, it is very wise.

 

I would consult an attorney before having any further deep conversation about anything other than reconciling. No agreements about separating or dividing assets. Just reply that you need time to think about things if he asks.

 

I'd also be careful about the money. You need someone with expertise (lawyer) to advise you what to do.

 

So sorry you have to deal with this. Remember what others have already told you: you are who you are, you do not have to be who he wants you to be. Also, ceasing to be a husband does not automatically absolve him of parental responsibilities. Absolutely document every instance of his reneging on commitments to watch the kids and in the end, your case for custody will be strengthened.

[PrairieSong]

I have not been in your shoes, and you've already received a lot of advice in this thread. I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It's completely normal to be non-functioning at the moment. Take good care of yourself. {{{{HUGS}}}}

[momacacia]

Yes lawyer up asap (without giving him notice if possible) and keep copies of tax returns, all account statements, etc. as suggested above. Keep good records of everything. Is your lawyer has to hunt down assets you want to make it as easy as possible for them.

[plansrme]

Do not be afraid that you are going to be homeless because the house is in his name.  You are entitled to at least half of the equity in the house, and whose name is on the title is completely irrelevant.  Do not move out.  But, next time--don't do that!

 

 

 

 

[ajfries]

If it were me...I'd get my hands on some cash. NOW. I'm not saying clean out the accounts but....as of right now that money is yours and his. All it takes is for him to go to the bank, close the account, take the cash, and start an individual account. I'd beat him to the punch.

 

Second, get a lawyer. Even if it was a 'moment of insanity', sweetie, you're not going to just bounce back from this. Going forward you need to get your name on the assets, too.

[MamaBearTeacher]

Hugs to you!

[linders]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  I'm so sorry.

 

But pull yourself together enough to find all records, especially financial, and get them copied. Tax returns, credit card bills, bank accounts, retirement accounts, house and car info. Tonight.

 

Tomorrow, call a lawyer.

[elegantlion]

:grouphug:  Start documentation, see a lawyer, breathe, eat, sleep, shower occasionally. 

 

You are a whole person, just you. It may seem like you cannot do this on your own. You can, with some help from a lawyer, a support group (formal or informal), and focusing on the next thing. 

 

I would also check all bills and make sure they are paid up in case he's been neglecting anything in consideration of his announcement. 

 

Apply for food aid if he moves out, they will consider separated but not divorced women. 

 

Try not worry about long-term right now, not today anyway. 

 

I paid a small fee for a lawyer consultation. She was able to tell me what to expect, what her fee would be, how long the process might take, and somehow she helped me feel empowered. 

 

Do NOT start thinking about all you might have done wrong. Do NOT beat yourself up. If you pray, pray. Cry. Hug your kids. Go for a walk to clear your head. 

 

You get through this one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time. Regardless the direction your life takes in the next few months, you will be okay.