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Had a biopsy today- update good news!

lovinmyboys

By lovinmyboys,
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lovinmyboys

lovinmyboys

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I won’t get the results until later this week, but I’m pretty sure I have breast cancer. The mass is big and wasn’t there at my mammogram last year. 
 

Anyway, I am feeling a little overwhelmed with having to be strong for everyone. Only my Dh knows now, and he is great, but understandably a bit freaked out and I feel like I have to take care of him. I am not ready to also do that for my parents and kids. Can I just not tell people? How can I nicely explain to dh that I need him to just chill out until we have more info?

Update: I got great news yesterday. It is benign. They did say it will need to be removed, so I have been referred to a breast surgeon. So relieved! Thanks everyone!

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Pawz4me

Pawz4me

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I'm sorry. Waiting is hard. Yes, you can NOT tell people. There are lots of stealth cancer patients on the board I belong to. When DH was diagnosed we chose to be pretty open with just about everyone, but I don't know that I'd do the same if I had a do-over. It really depends somewhat on what type of treatment and what time frame you're facing. His involved very quickly scheduled major surgery that required weeks of recovery, so it wasn't exactly like we could keep that on the quiet. If I had a do-over I'd definitely take more time to process it ourselves before we started telling others. I think even a couple more days would have made a difference, maybe. One of the hardest things has been feeling like I have to cheer up everyone else/put a positive spin on things. It's a weird thing to deal with, and yet one feels that people expect it.

Hugs.

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prairiewindmomma

prairiewindmomma

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Hugs. 

You don't have to tell people a darn thing.  "This is my news to share, and I don't want to say a thing until I accurately understand what is going on, what my options are, and I'm ready emotionally to deal with everyone's devastation.  I need to protect my heart right now."

Keep your icepack on. It really does help with the bruising.

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Jenny in Florida

Jenny in Florida

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My husband and I have a general policy of letting the person whose body is affected be the one to decide who gets to know things and when. Occasionally, the other one will kind of poke the affected person to gently suggest it might be time to bring in other people, but ultimately, it's the individual's call.

If you don't feel ready to share more widely, that's totally your decision.

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer a couple of years ago, I did bring our adult kids into the loop as soon as possible, but I might well have made a different call if they had been younger. And I didn't tell anyone anything until I had an official diagnosis.

I do think it would be a kindness to give your husband a pass to seek support from someone, but if you want to keep this to yourself long enough to prioritize your own needs, that's absolutely legit. 

In terms of how to ask your husband to keep a lid on it for now, I would strongly suggest repeating the mantra, "We don't know anything for sure yet. Let's not worry anyone until we know something definite, and we'll figure it out from there."

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Kassia

Kassia

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I am sorry that it's likely you have cancer and have to wait a while before knowing for sure. 

I think you should be able to handle this however makes you the most comfortable right now.  You have a lot to process and I think the less stress you have, the better.  I would feel the same as you do right now and not want to share - especially if it will be an additional burden on you.  

Thinking of you and and wishing you all the best.  And sending big hugs.  ❤️

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Jenny in Florida

Jenny in Florida

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While I'm thinking about it: I can't speak for you or for anyone else, of course. Everyone is going to experience this in her own way. ("This" meaning whatever your experience turns out to be, including finding out that the mass is benign.) 

What I can tell you from my experience is that the physical stuff was the easy part for me. What lingers two years after diagnosis and treatment for me is the emotional stuff that was dredged up as a result of the medical crisis. For me, as a mom, I was very focused on everyone else and let myself get manipulated/guilted/encouraged into doing or allowing things that turned out to be very bad for me. And it's that stuff that still makes me cry much more often than anything directly related to the cancer and treatment.

So, while I'm not suggesting you treat your family and friends like garbage, I would encourage you to be a little selfish and not be shy about telling your loved ones what you need and want and then sticking to it. Try to put yourself first.

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Arcadia

Arcadia

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We didn’t tell relatives. Only our kids and a few friends knew. My husband did tell his boss as he was entitled to paid time off to drive me to all the medical appointments. His department is small and there are a few who had cancer so everyone was supportive.  Mine was a big lump but chemo reduced the lump so much that lumpectomy was possible. We did max out our out of pocket that year. 
Our relatives are all in Asia and Australia so it was easy to say nothing. My cashiers at my favorite grocery stores probably guessed since I lost all my hair but they are pretty much MYOB. My kids were 12 and 13 then, and could stay home alone. My oldest could cook well and they could eat sandwiches if they didn’t want to cook.

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Storygirl

Storygirl

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I'm sorry. When my mother had breast cancer, she didn't want to tell anyone. My dad knew, and she told us kids (who were adults), and I think she told her boss, because she needed to go to medical appointments. But she didn't want to tell anyone else, even my (paternal) grandmother or (paternal) aunt and uncle.

I lived three hours away from her, and I did need to talk about it, and so I told my friends, because my friends would never see or interact with Mom. But I needed some support for myself. If your husband needs to talk to someone about his feelings and the situation, it might be helpful to YOU to agree with him on who he would like to talk to -- a therapist or a friend? It may relieve your burden to know that he can unload his feelings on someone else and let them help him process them, so that you don't have to be that person for him, while you are working through things yourself.

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Loowit

Loowit

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I am sorry you are going through this.  I would take time to know what is going on before decided who, if anyone, you want to tell.  I will say that when DH had cancer, I needed someone to talk to.  He is a very private person and didn't want to tell very many people.  We discussed it and decided together, with his lead, who to talk to about things.  Our kids didn't know anything about it until the surgery was scheduled.

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Guest

Guest

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I’m sorry. I was dx’d in Oct 2018. I had a lumpectomy only without reconstruction, plus radiation and Tamoxifen. 
 

You definitely can keep it mostly quiet and you can decide when and if you want people to know. But I was happy I shared it when and to whom I did because I had a LOT of practical support that was tremendously helpful. 
 

I was very judicious about whom I asked for help. There are some people in my life I didn’t expect I could count on and so I expected nothing from them whatsoever. They would once in a while vaguely ask if they could do anything, but I would just smile and say I’ll let you know. I asked for help directly from people I knew from past experience would actually be helpful. And happily, I don’t think I misjudged anyone in either direction. 
 

Hugs to you.

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lovinmyboys

lovinmyboys

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Thanks everyone. 
 

I am a private person, despite posting on a public board. Dh is definitely much more of an open book (although I can’t imagine him ever posting on the internet). I mostly am worried about telling my kids and my mom, but once they know I am fine with whoever finds out. 
 

I know it is irrational, but I feel like I brought this on myself by being so grumpy and mad at the world the last couple of years. Also, I have pretty openly said that I am not looking forward to parenting teens and I feel like this is my punishment or something. 
 

Ds15’s friend’s mom died of cancer a few weeks ago and ds was pretty shaken up by it. I am not looking forward to having this conversation with him.

Hopefully this is getting ahead of myself and it all turns out to be nothing, but that wasn’t the impression I got today. I am trying to get the house and meals organized, so there are some things off my plate later this week. 
 

Thanks again for all the encouragement, prayers, and suggestions.

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East Coast Sue

East Coast Sue

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I had a medical issue in which my doctor pretty much told me I had cancer and need surgery right away. Turned out that it wasn’t cancer but while I waited to find out, I had similar thoughts of guilt- very much the thoughts that you expressed about deserving a bad diagnosis  or being guilty. Seriously, I put myself on trial and was found guilty. Please know that you’re definitely not responsible for causing any of this. I’ll keep you close in my thoughts & prayers. Many gentle hugs. 

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J-rap

J-rap

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I will be praying for you.  I know at least 10 women (including my mother and grandmother) who had breast cancer, and they all survived, some even twice.  (Just to give you positive stories!)  Two of them especially were the same as you..  it grew very fast and big.  They are all fine now, all are years beyond it.  Waiting is so hard though and yes, life really sucks sometimes. 

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melmichigan

melmichigan

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I have no advice but many hugs and good thoughts for you.  I'm the type of person that doesn't share medical information well.  You get to decide who you share with and it makes sense to have a good understanding of what you are dealing with, and have come to terms with it, before sharing it.

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Guest

Guest

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Telling my youngest was difficult because the people he knew with cancer at the time had died from it. So he thought I was telling him I am going to die (soon; I mean, of course I am going to die eventually but hopefully not soon). I had to quickly back-pedal and explain that my cancer was treatable and I would almost surely not die (yet). 
 

And BTW, I think a lot of people think they jinxed themselves. I had “reasons” I brought it on myself too, until my doctor said, “If that were true, everybody would have cancer.” 
 

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Kassia

Kassia

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29 minutes ago, melmichigan said:

I have no advice but many hugs and good thoughts for you.  I'm the type of person that doesn't share medical information well.  You get to decide who you share with and it makes sense to have a good understanding of what you are dealing with, and have come to terms with it, before sharing it.

Same.  I've had major (and minor)  surgeries that I was able to keep from some family members because I just didn't want to deal with them.  Not everyone has the opportunity to do that, though.  

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freesia

freesia

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22 hours ago, J-rap said:

I will be praying for you.  I know at least 10 women (including my mother and grandmother) who had breast cancer, and they all survived, some even twice.  (Just to give you positive stories!)  Two of them especially were the same as you..  it grew very fast and big.  They are all fine now, all are years beyond it.  Waiting is so hard though and yes, life really sucks sometimes. 

I have also known many women (including mom and grandmother) who survived breast cancer. I’ve only known one who did not and she lived overseas. 

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Granny_Weatherwax

Granny_Weatherwax

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23 hours ago, lovinmyboys said:

<snip>

I know it is irrational, but I feel like I brought this on myself by being so grumpy and mad at the world the last couple of years. Also, I have pretty openly said that I am not looking forward to parenting teens and I feel like this is my punishment or something. 

<snip>

I just wanted to acknowledge that I hear you, I feel you, and I hope you tell that little voice to hush.   ((lovinmyboys))

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ddcrook

ddcrook

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I'm sorry that you are in this situation. Many women who have had breast cancer will tell you that the waiting is the hardest part. Over the next few days give yourself permission to do whatever you need to do to get through the wait- take walks, binge watch your favorite shows, play games with your family, whatever works for you. 

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