caedmyn Posted October 12, 2018 Share Posted October 12, 2018 (edited) How much would you consider too much/often for your in-laws to visit from out of town? This is assuming that you get along with them reasonably well... Would one or two weekends a month (late Friday night to Sunday afternoon) be too often? Edited October 12, 2018 by caedmyn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted October 12, 2018 Share Posted October 12, 2018 It would be for us, but we are both very introverted and need a lot of downtime on the weekends. Also, whenever we have company, I end up not getting done the school planning and such that I do over the weekends, and that screws up the following week. Once a month is kind of maybe okay but twice a month, for a weekend, is way too much for us. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted October 12, 2018 Share Posted October 12, 2018 3 minutes ago, caedmyn said: How much would you consider too much/often for your in-laws to visit from out of town? This is assuming that you get along with them reasonably well... Would one or two weekends a month (late Friday night to Sunday afternoon) be too often? Good Lord. YES. 8 2 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmandaVT Posted October 12, 2018 Share Posted October 12, 2018 Do they stay with you or in a hotel? If we got along well enough, I'd be ok with a hotel stay once or twice a month, but it would be too much if they were staying with us. Also, do they expect you to host or go out of your way to spend lots of time with them? Or are they more self-sufficient/visiting others/sightseeing/etc? For me, it would be a lot to host and make plans solely with them twice a month. I'd feel a bit invaded. If they were staying at a hotel, and seeing us some, it'd be more doable. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rebcoola Posted October 12, 2018 Share Posted October 12, 2018 Once a month would be okay but twice would be too much. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halftime Hope Posted October 12, 2018 Share Posted October 12, 2018 I think this would call for some kind of in-law quarters arrangement nearby, perhaps a studio apartment or a cute RV parked off your property. Close, but with their own space, not part of yours. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Selkie Posted October 12, 2018 Share Posted October 12, 2018 I wouldn't mind seeing them a couple times a month, but staying at my house? Nope. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xahm Posted October 12, 2018 Share Posted October 12, 2018 If they had a dedicated space at your house and were the kind of people who can pitch in and just be part of the family while they were there, it would be more than fine with me. I mean, I've had house guests who just know how to help in the kitchen without direct instruction, how to have fun with the kids in a way that reduces my work load, and those people can come as often as they want! Most people aren't that way, though, and I couldn't deal with regular guest-y guests more than once a month. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted October 12, 2018 Share Posted October 12, 2018 I apologize if I'm confusing posters, but are you the person who was looking for more space in the house, for a growing family, but couldn't use the guest room or put DH's office in there? Was that you, and was that because his parents come to live with you for two weekends per month? If so, we are ALL on your side. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caedmyn Posted October 12, 2018 Author Share Posted October 12, 2018 (edited) 13 minutes ago, AmandaVT said: Do they stay with you or in a hotel? If we got along well enough, I'd be ok with a hotel stay once or twice a month, but it would be too much if they were staying with us. Also, do they expect you to host or go out of your way to spend lots of time with them? Or are they more self-sufficient/visiting others/sightseeing/etc? For me, it would be a lot to host and make plans solely with them twice a month. I'd feel a bit invaded. If they were staying at a hotel, and seeing us some, it'd be more doable. They stay with us and spend most/all the time with us. They're self-sufficient and help a lot with the kids which gives me a break. (These are my parents actually...I was trying to get a perspective about in-laws because of things DH has said.) Edited October 12, 2018 by caedmyn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caedmyn Posted October 12, 2018 Author Share Posted October 12, 2018 (edited) 6 minutes ago, xahm said: If they had a dedicated space at your house and were the kind of people who can pitch in and just be part of the family while they were there, it would be more than fine with me. I mean, I've had house guests who just know how to help in the kitchen without direct instruction, how to have fun with the kids in a way that reduces my work load, and those people can come as often as they want! Most people aren't that way, though, and I couldn't deal with regular guest-y guests more than once a month. Yes they are like this (helpful I mean). There is a designated guest bed...in a room that also houses our library and 2 YO. They don't care...the 2 YO still sleeps in there when they visit and they're fine with it. Edited October 12, 2018 by caedmyn 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freesia Posted October 12, 2018 Share Posted October 12, 2018 It would be too much for me. Better if it were my own parents bc I relax more with my family even though I love MIL. I just don't have the bandwidth to be "on" for handling more than my own kids, dh and our schedule. MIL would have loved to have done this and I still feel guilty I've never been able to do it. A weekend every 2 months is my limit and that is a super stretch for me. I do it bc it's the right thing to do, not bc I enjoy it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xahm Posted October 12, 2018 Share Posted October 12, 2018 2 minutes ago, caedmyn said: Yes they are like this (helpful I mean). There is a designated guest bed...in a room that also houses our library and 2 YO. I take it your husband is finding it a bit much, then. I'd try to work out what would make him enjoy the visits more (let him know you are fine with him going out on those Saturdays to pursue a hobby or just go about his regular routine when they are there, or have them come three times every two months) and then talk with your folks once you've determined how to let dh enjoy his off time, too. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SereneHome Posted October 12, 2018 Share Posted October 12, 2018 Well, I don't know anything about getting along well with IL's.... When my husband and I first got married, we lived in one bedroom apartment. My IL's would come and stay for TWO MONTHS at a time. Numerous times. Now, when they come for a week, to our much larger house, I don't even blink anymore LOL. Even though we don't get along, I wouldn't care if they came twice a month if they behaved with some courtesy and respect. But they don't. My MIL told me to my face that it is her prerogative to do what she wants with/to my kids bc she is the grandmother. I told her it was my prerogative not to want her in my house that much.... 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted October 12, 2018 Share Posted October 12, 2018 It would be too much for me. I need at least one full weekend day to be free of social obligations. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
May Posted October 12, 2018 Share Posted October 12, 2018 If your hubby feels it’s too much, then it is. I would have that conversation with my parents, as uncomfortable as it may be. 11 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted October 12, 2018 Share Posted October 12, 2018 (edited) 40 minutes ago, xahm said: I take it your husband is finding it a bit much, then. I'd try to work out what would make him enjoy the visits more (let him know you are fine with him going out on those Saturdays to pursue a hobby or just go about his regular routine when they are there I like this idea a lot if dh is feeling hemmed in by the visits. He may have been raised to think that even close family was 'company' and should be treated as such, when your parents might not be expecting that at all (and, if they're coming twice a month, they definitely can't expect it, lol). Another thing that might help is to ask your parents if they would enjoy taking just a couple of kids off to the park each time they come. They get a bit more attention and you and dh can be home with no guests and fewer kids for a while. It could turn into a nice tradition. Usually, I would give a heavy vote to the spouse who is feeling that the frequent visits are a bit much, but you have 5 kids and one on the way, so I give you the heavy vote. If the visits are positive for you, then I'd certainly look for ways to make it easier on dh but I don't think you should be expected to give up having a bit of a break once or twice a month. Edited October 12, 2018 by katilac 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kbutton Posted October 12, 2018 Share Posted October 12, 2018 9 minutes ago, katilac said: Usually, I would give a heavy vote to the spouse who is feeling that the frequent visits are a bit much, but you have 5 kids and one on the way, so I give you the heavy vote. If the visits are positive for you, then I'd certainly look for ways to make it easier on dh but I don't think you should be expected to give up having a bit of a break once or twice a month. Ditto. Doubly so if your DH is not much of a help with the kids, and/or his complaints are nonspecific or nonconstructive. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted October 12, 2018 Share Posted October 12, 2018 There are VERY FEW people I want staying in my house that often. My best friend in the world is always welcome, she is the best houseguest EVER, and there are maybe one or two more, but otherwise, nope. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted October 12, 2018 Share Posted October 12, 2018 That would be too much for me whether it was my parents or dh's. If they really want more time with their grandkids, I think I'd prefer to go to a longer visit less often. However, I totally agree with the above about how if your spouse isn't pulling equal parenting weight on the weekends, then he definitely doesn't get as much of a vote as you. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 That would be way too much for me and my in-laws are decent people that are pretty easy to get along with. I don’t like having extra people in my space but can cope with it. I could put up with once a month of people staying with me but really a couple times a year would be my true comfort level. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 My husband could deal with my parents staying with us maybe once a decade! And they like him better than they like me. It’s a non-issue though as they just don’t visit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 When my parents were alive and doing well, they had to travel “up to the city” a couple times a month for doctor appointments. They always stayed with us starting on Thursday night and would drive home on Sunday morning. It was too long a drive to do up and back in one day and it didn’t make sense to do a hotel when we had the room It was not too much for us, but it helped that they had things they were doing pretty much all day Friday and they had a focus for the trip beyond us entertaining them. If we had something going on, they were fine just hanging out at the house and catching up on their TV shows. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 That's too often for anyone other than Jesus himself to visit. 3 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hmvaughan4 Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 (edited) It would be too much for us. Could you take the kids to their house for a weekend? Completely unrelated.....can I ask the background of your screen name? It always catches my eye when I see it. It's very close to my son's name. Edited October 13, 2018 by hmvaughan4 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaybee Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 It would be too much for me no matter who it is. I need more space than that. Thankfully, both dh and I are similar in our introvert needs. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hoggirl Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 That is too often for overnight visits, IMO. How far away do they live? I feel like 4-6 times per year for overnight visits is more than enough for grandparents if they are not local. If they are local (or within driving distance for a day visit), a weekly or every other week for a day visit is fine. As in, every other Sunday afternoon for three hours or so. But, if their visiting necessitates an overnight visit - 4-6 times a year - even if they are staying off-site. How often do your husband’s parents come and stay? I ask because I am an only whose parents both died before dh and I married. Every holiday, every everything involved his parents being there. I get the “daughter’s a daughter all her life, and the son’s a son ‘til he takes a wife,” and the “leave and cleave” stuff. I really do. Daughters are typically closer to their parents. But, as the mother of a son, there needs to be some sense of fundamental fairness with grandparent visits. There also needs to be some boundaries. Too frequent. Sorry. Just my $0.02. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Storygirl Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 It would be way too much for me, but visitors, even family, cause me to feel stressed and not entirely at home and comfortable in my own home, because I feel I have to be hosting. Even if the guests don't expect me to do extra for them. However, knowing that you have so many active kids and remembering your posts before about how helpful (or not) your husband tends to be....I think you need to do what is helpful to you. Some ideas: * If your husband doesn't like it, perhaps you can list for him the things that your parents do that are helpful and say that if he will show you that he will do those things, you will ask them to come less. * Could they come for weekdays instead, so that your husband can be at work more while they are there? * Could they stay in a hotel, maybe even every other visit? And then a couple of the kids perhaps could have an overnight visit at the hotel with them one of the nights and swim in the pool, etc.? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caedmyn Posted October 13, 2018 Author Share Posted October 13, 2018 23 minutes ago, hmvaughan4 said: It would be too much for us. Could you take the kids to their house for a weekend? Completely unrelated.....can I ask the background of your screen name? It always catches my eye when I see it. It's very close to my son's name. There was a Christian band when I was a teen (maybe it still exists, who knows) called Caedmon's Call. I .liked the sound of Caedmon and named my cat that with an altered spelling, and then choose it for my screen name later. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaybee Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 I think one thing I would resent would be the hindrance to becoming our own family unit, if other family members were there so much of our "free" time (or not so free time). Granted, we have never lived close enough to our families for this kind of visiting to happen anyway. I would love to have been closer and had more time. But we have definitely had the benefit of building our own "separate" family over the years, and it has been something very healthy for our family. It seems like it would be too easy to be pulled toward your foo and away from your married family unit (or to the exclusion of the spouse). This is all said without regard for specifics of your own family that might make it different for you. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hmvaughan4 Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 1 minute ago, caedmyn said: There was a Christian band when I was a teen (maybe it still exists, who knows) called Caedmon's Call. I .liked the sound of Caedmon and named my cat that with an altered spelling, and then choose it for my screen name later. Yes! That's my sons name. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 1 hour ago, AK_Mom4 said: When my parents were alive and doing well, they had to travel “up to the city” a couple times a month for doctor appointments. They always stayed with us starting on Thursday night and would drive home on Sunday morning. It was too long a drive to do up and back in one day and it didn’t make sense to do a hotel when we had the room It was not too much for us, but it helped that they had things they were doing pretty much all day Friday and they had a focus for the trip beyond us entertaining them. If we had something going on, they were fine just hanging out at the house and catching up on their TV shows. In a case like this I could deal with it. They have their own things to do and aren’t really just visiting for the sake of visiting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caedmyn Posted October 13, 2018 Author Share Posted October 13, 2018 16 minutes ago, Hoggirl said: That is too often for overnight visits, IMO. How far away do they live? I feel like 4-6 times per year for overnight visits is more than enough for grandparents if they are not local. If they are local (or within driving distance for a day visit), a weekly or every other week for a day visit is fine. As in, every other Sunday afternoon for three hours or so. But, if their visiting necessitates an overnight visit - 4-6 times a year - even if they are staying off-site. How often do your husband’s parents come and stay? I ask because I am an only whose parents both died before dh and I married. Every holiday, every everything involved his parents being there. I get the “daughter’s a daughter all her life, and the son’s a son ‘til he takes a wife,” and the “leave and cleave” stuff. I really do. Daughters are typically closer to their parents. But, as the mother of a son, there needs to be some sense of fundamental fairness with grandparent visits. There also needs to be some boundaries. Too frequent. Sorry. Just my $0.02. but It's a 6 hr round trip for my parents, so too far for a day visit. DH's parents could come as often as they like but they don't come very often. We've lived in this house ten years and they've visited 4 times. It's a much longer trip for them and they both have some chronic health issues but it does seem like they could come at least once a year, but they don't. We typically visit them every other year. It's really not comparable because his parents are so much further away and a good bit older (10 & 15 years) than my parents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caedmyn Posted October 13, 2018 Author Share Posted October 13, 2018 Maybe I will suggest 3x in 2 months. That seems reasonable to me. It is not always 2x/month anyway...it's been two months since the last time they were here due to various circumstances. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starfish Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 We'd be totally good with MIL ( FIL is deceased ) visiting a couple of times a month. We all get along and work well as a family unit. I think if we were to do a 2x monthly visit, it would need to be more of an inviting her to join the family rather than vacation time. I could see myself being not happy if I had to entertain folks that often. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mbelle Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 I think it can be tough if people are not used to it. I grew up with lots of family visitors, but everyone knew how to be a visitor/guests. I know when dh parents visit they are here for some time. So, they find things to do or just come along with us and blend into our lives. The only thing that I would like to change is their bedtime. They stay up really late and so dh and I do not have time to talk and they are here for a month usually. OTOH he does not see them so often, so I try not to let it bother me. I think it really depends on the in-laws. If they are opinionated about what y'all do or negatively gossip about your family when they leave then that would probably drive me nuts. However, if they blend in pretty well and y'all get along at least 80% then I think it could be really beneficial. They could be extra support for activities and extra community. I think relatives can make excellent community and we can meet people through our parents friends and vice versus. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alisoncooks Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 1 hour ago, caedmyn said: There was a Christian band when I was a teen (maybe it still exists, who knows) called Caedmon's Call. Side note: I used to love Caedmon's Call! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 Two weekends would definitely be too much. One is iffy. People have lives, yard work, deep cleaning... Of course. You could put them to work.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 5 hours ago, caedmyn said: They stay with us and spend most/all the time with us. They're self-sufficient and help a lot with the kids which gives me a break. (These are my parents actually...I was trying to get a perspective about in-laws because of things DH has said.) It depends on what are the expectations on your husband and how much nuclear family time he prefers. My husband gets along well with my parents and there is no expectation on him. However my husband do see Saturday morning as couple time while kids are in class, and Saturday afternoon as nuclear family time. So he would feel “disrupted” in his “routine” during the times my parents stayed over to help. Like giving up his Saturday morning and afternoon special time because my parents are around. My in-laws do expect my husband to do things for them which is not your scenario. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 7 hours ago, Tibbie Dunbar said: Good Lord. YES. Honestly, that was my thought too. Now if ILs live down the street and pop in now and then, it's totally different because everyone goes back to their own home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 It would be too much for my own parents visiting. So it isn't just an in-law thing. It's a "I could not handle having visitors that often and for that long" thing. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 I couldn't deal with it either twice a month. Too often. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 Oh and my answer had nothing to do with having to host anyone to a vacation twice a month. Even my own children coming and doing their own thing and having their own bedroom is still a disruption. It is one I tolerate but I still have to change my routines when one of them is around. Even more so if it was my in-laws. With in-laws, I could never feel free to be myself. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bambam Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 For us, yes, way too often. We need time to be ourselves as a family (tell bad jokes, tease each other, watch movies and discuss them, do yard work, do car work, do house work, clean, help with whatever project is going on, do volunteer work, etc). If visitors came by for lunch or supper, they could do that twice a month (with notice) or possibly every week, but not to stay. We like our family/alone time. I only have my MIL left alive, and I like her, but that seems like too much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 11 hours ago, gardenmom5 said: Two weekends would definitely be too much. One is iffy. People have lives, yard work, deep cleaning... Of course. You could put them to work.... We would do all of those things with close family at the house (who visit often). And it wouldn't be terribly unusual to put someone to work, lol. They're helping with the kids, which is definitely putting them to work! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 OP, you need help and a break. Your husband doesn't provide it. Your parents do. I think the benefit to you outweighs any dislike he has for having visitors in the house. Your needs matter too. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustEm Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 15 minutes ago, maize said: OP, you need help and a break. Your husband doesn't provide it. Your parents do. I think the benefit to you outweighs any dislike he has for having visitors in the house. Your needs matter too. This was my thinking. If your dh is willing to step up a bit and provide you with the help you need, that your parents provide, then you should be more understanding of his need for them to visit less. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 Every couple of months would be fine if they're staying with us. More is fine if they're at a hotel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
73349 Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 There is no one on Earth I don't already live with whom I would want in my house for two whole weekends a month. Not my BFF, not my grandma... One weekend a month if we all got along swimmingly, and if they could accommodate changes in which week it was when we have stuff going on. Even then, I'd want them to leave by 2 or so Sunday afternoon so we could get ready for Monday. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BooksandBoys Posted October 14, 2018 Share Posted October 14, 2018 8 hours ago, maize said: OP, you need help and a break. Your husband doesn't provide it. Your parents do. I think the benefit to you outweighs any dislike he has for having visitors in the house. Your needs matter too. Yep 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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