How to know if you're 'done'?

[Noreen Claire]

DH looks at me today and says, 'Are we going to have another baby, or what?'

 

Yikes.

 

I love babies. I love nothing more than being pregnant and having a newborn at home. But...

 

I'm 43 now. (DH is 37.) I'm nursing the 10mo old, and will be for at least another 18 months. I have been nursing babies/toddlers for the last 5.5 YEARS without a break. I'm so touched out. I have been pregnant and/or nursing for the last 9 years. Also, my oldest is nearly 22!

 

I would have another in a heartbeat if I had been able to lose some (any) weight after the last baby, but I'm 50lbs overweight and the last two pregnancies were just *hard* on my body. My anxiety was through the roof the last time, too. That all being said...I would love another baby..

 

I just can't figure out if I am done. Will I look back and regret not having another, or will I get pregnant again and regret it?

 

So, how do you determine when you're DONE?

[maize]

Don't ask me, I haven't figured out the answer yet.

[Guinevere]

I'm done when I no longer can.  I think I would really regret not trying.

 

That doesn't really answer your question, though, since I've also not "felt done" yet.

 

 

[Barb_]

Hormones maybe? Exhaustion? I DO NOT regret stopping at 39 and if I'm honest, five was probably enough in the abstract. I'm happy I had the last two now that they are getting easier, but the last decade has been a beast. I noticed a big shift in what I'm able to handle kid-wise in the past 5-6 years. At 40 I still felt pretty young but now at 48 my age and hormones are beginning to conspire to make me feel my age. Do you want 18 years of schooling looming ahead of you at 50? If that doesn't bother you then you are cut of different cloth than I.

[fairfarmhand]

Remember that it's not just another baby. It's another toddler, another preschooler, another grade schooler, another middle schooler and teen.

Don't have another baby just for the baby phase. Have one because you need another member of the family.

And there will always be a last baby.

[Zoo Keeper]

My brain and the rest of my body were done.  :)

 

 

[goldberry]

We dropped of our only DD at college about 10 days ago.  I was sad to quit homeschooling last year, bittersweet to see her growing in independence and away from me. 

 

That said... DH and I are totally enjoying each other.  The "lightness" of not feeling constantly responsible for another human... I feel....so young!  Not all women look forward to that time, back to being you and your DH, back to being more free.  But if you do look forward to it, then maybe it's time to be done!  That time is out there!  Just some thoughts from the other side! :)

[KungFuPanda]

Remember that it's not just another baby. It's another toddler, another preschooler, another grade schooler, another middle schooler and teen.

Don't have another baby just for the baby phase. Have one because you need another member of the family.

And there will always be a last baby.

 

We dropped of our only DD at college about 10 days ago. I was sad to quit homeschooling last year, bittersweet to see her growing in independence and away from me.

 

That said... DH and I are totally enjoying each other. The "lightness" of not feeling constantly responsible for another human... I feel....so young! Not all women look forward to that time, back to being you and your DH, back to being more free. But if you do look forward to it, then maybe it's time to be done! That time is out there! Just some thoughts from the other side! :)

If you want to be talked out of it, talk to me. I'm 45. I just dropped my daughter at college on Friday. She took ALL of our money with her. If we started over, some kid would be taking all of our money when we're pushing 70! Also, I want to be an active, involved grandma like the one I had (and my kids and I still have) and that's probably harder to do in your 80s.

 

Eta: You're 43. You could always roll the rice and see if you get lucky :-)

Edited August 28, 2017 by KungFuPanda

[Catwoman]

One and done.

 

That was enough for me. :)

[Guest]

Nearly dying after my last one tells me I'm done. And my dh says so, too.

[J-rap]

I knew I was done when my youngest was having some serious health problems that took so much of my energy.

 

Otherwise, honestly, I don't know how I would have known!

[Elizabeth86]

I have been thinking the same thing. I am pregnant with number 4 and I wonder if it is our last. That thought makes me sad, but I am OVERWHELMED right now. Our tiny house is absolutely FULL and I mean just with the essentials it would be crowded. So basically I am done for a while. My kids will be 6 1/2, 5 and 2 1/2 when the new baby comes. I am sure when this baby self weans and more people are sleeping in their own bed and wiping their own butts and taking their own baths and putting on their own clothing and shoes and we get a bigger house, I might like 1 or 2 more. I am 31 so I am lucky to have a bit more time to have more. Random bit of info, my grandma and her twin sister were born when their mother was 48. Also, I added it up and I have bf for a total of 5 years and 3 months with my 3 kids. So, I guess I would really like to have 1 in my late 30s and 1 in my early 40s if God sees fit for that to happen, I would feel very blessed. I also wanted to add, I have always said if I had to have a csection I would be done. Who knows, but I am terrified of all things medical. I go for unmedicated births, so if that were to happen I might be done. Also, we do ok with affording what we need, but if we were at the point we couldnt afford fun extras for the kids I might have to be done then. Oh and pregnancy sucks every bit of life out of me, so since I am pregnant the thought of doing that again makes me feel crazy. I doubt this helped you decide, it was more just rambling. Good luck with your decision!

Edited August 28, 2017 by Elizabeth86

[LMD]

dh and I were just chatting yesterday about our growing contentment with our 4. We would've loved more but we're not going down the infertility treatment path again and my youngest is nearly 4 with nary a hint of a pregnancy. I really don't want to deal with another loss. We're approaching mid 30s and just... feeling good about our family the way it is.

I wouldn't say we've decided to be done, but we're pretty content about the possibility of no more babies.

[MEmama]

One and done.

 

That was enough for me. :)

Yup, this! :)

[Carrie12345]

I mostly knew I was done while I was pregnant with #5.  There's less than no more room in the house, the older kids' schedules were picking up, of course money was always tight but it was finally getting extra hairy, lol, and I was TIRED!  I also knew I was going to be wanting to reclaim a slice of my own life at some point. 

 

#5 will be 7yo at the end of the year, and I still get the baby bug once in a while.  Dh and I melt over the kids' baby pictures.  Dh was even asking #5 the other day if he likes being The Baby, or if he wishes he had had a younger sibling like everyone else, lol. (He's ambivalent.)  But it's more nostalgia than actually wanting to do it all over again.

 

So, once in a while, I don't "know". But 93% of the time, I DO know, and they haven't invented 7% children yet!

[Guest]

IME (anecdotally; sample of one), it seemed like something I would badly regret throughout the end of my thirties, up till about 43. I even posted on here many times about how I wanted more kids and DH did not. But when the tide turned, it turned decisively. It was like someone turned off the switch. I think a lot of this is hormonally directed. When I was 43, one of my best friends turned up unexpectedly pg and I was surprised at myself that I thought, "Glad it's YOU and not ME!"

 

So I can say that, although I was worried for years that I would regret not having more kids to raise, I now, at 46, do not regret it one iota and I am so glad/relieved that my youngest is 12 and not 3 or 4. For myself at least, the energy and enthusiasm I once had for doing all the things I did as a younger mother has fallen off sharply, and DH, who is 8 years older than I am, has lacked that energy for a while longer.

[fairfarmhand]

I knew I was done about 3 seconds after ds' birth. It was like a switch went off in my head, and never switched back on. I remember being surprised.."Oh, I'm done?" and then it was a sealed deal.

Me too! Moments after giving birth my thought was " I'm so glad I'll never have to do that again!"

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[fairfarmhand]

Also, one thing I considered that with 10 yrs between my oldest and youngest and my oldest personality, she really needed intensive parenting during the preteen teen years. I couldn't have continued homeschooling her had I kept having babies.

 

 

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[kewb]

I knew after my 2nd was born. I just felt done.

[Sarah CB]

IME (anecdotally; sample of one), it seemed like something I would badly regret throughout the end of my thirties, up till about 43. I even posted on here many times about how I wanted more kids and DH did not. But when the tide turned, it turned decisively. It was like someone turned off the switch. I think a lot of this is hormonally directed. When I was 43, one of my best friends turned up unexpectedly pg and I was surprised at myself that I thought, "Glad it's YOU and not ME!"

 

So I can say that, although I was worried for years that I would regret not having more kids to raise, I now, at 46, do not regret it one iota and I am so glad/relieved that my youngest is 12 and not 3 or 4. For myself at least, the energy and enthusiasm I once had for doing all the things I did as a younger mother has fallen off sharply, and DH, who is 8 years older than I am, has lacked that energy for a while longer.

 

I can totally relate to this. We had four and my health problems increased with each pregnancy. We decided not to have more simply because of how hard pregnancy is on me (high blood pressure, bed rest, hospitalizations, meds not working, early induction, etc). I was really sad. I thought I wanted a couple more and I found it really hard when people close to me were pregnant. 

 

However, I can definitively say that I am incredibly relieved that we did not have more. Very relieved. I've told dh that if I ended up pregnant now I'd find a nice childless couple to take the baby - that's how done I am. He disagrees, but luckily there's virtually no chance of getting pregnant. 

 

I am enjoying my kids and their independence. We are on to a whole different phase of life and I really like it. 

[FaithManor]

I was never healthy during pregnancy, never. I nearly died during the last one, so there was no question we were done. Now that we have a married daughter with an 18 month old grandson, I can tell you that grandparents is a million times better than parenting. I snuggle him, play with him, enjoy him to the fullest, help my Dd whenever I can - difficult due to distance but we still make sure we visit several times per year or fly them home here - and yet, hand him back, go home, live in peace. It is the best!

Our last is a senior and will enter college in fall 2018. As each one has grown up and become responsible for themselves, my health has improved as the home stress of full time parenting, full time homeschooling multiples, etc. has eased.

Now that said, I would die if I became pregnant again. There is no question. So we took permanent measures, and if those failed for some reason (I am 49 and still not menopausal), we would face the reality of having to end the pregnancy which would be pretty gut wrenching. So I am willing to admit that these issues make the feeling of being done an overwhelming feeling of "no more". There are no ambiguous emotions, it is pretty complete.

I had those feelings with number three though. I really did not want more children. We were using two forms of birth control and dh's surgery had been scheduled when I found out I was pregnant. I went into a real tailspin. The pregnancy was touch and go, and of course once he was here, I was so happy to have him, but I nearly died - more than once during the pregnancy and again during delivery - and my health will never recover fully from that. And the whole pregnancy I faced leaving Dh with three young children to single parent which sent me into a big, emotional tailspin.

Gently, having been on this end of it, I can say that once health becomes an issue, I think it is best to cherish the ones you have and not tempt fate.

My "three musketeers" - young men 20.5, almost 19, and 17 years of age - are A LOT of fun now. A couple of weeks ago I took them to Mackinac Island. We had so much fun, and they are completely independent so when my bad ankle and ds's injured leg started aching, the other two took of bicycling the island, while the 20 year old and I hung out in the book store, then got coffee and sat at the park overlooking the water, watching the ferries and sailboats, talking about all kinds of neat subjects.

A week later we had an eclipse party. Never had to worry about making sure they had their safety glasses on or not. Dh had an injured hand, and they went right to work helping him set up our two telescopes, and organizing everything. It was wonderful!

They got home and set up a three way computer game match after carrying the cargo in and putting it away for us. Later we watched a movie together and the youngest made the popcorn for everyone. Having kids this age is a bit on the luxurious side compared to the other end.

It should be noted though that while Dh loves babies, toddlers, and preschoolers, those are all stages that I just survived. I am not a baby person naturally. So that probably helps. I never was one that held someone else's baby and thought "I need one of these". I am sure that factored into my feelings of being "done" after number three even though we ended up with four.

Edited August 30, 2017 by FaithManor

[ktgrok]

Hmm. I don't know. I think maybe I feel done now? Mainly, my lady bits say they are done, lol. I'm pretty sure I now have a rectocele and possibly a cystocele and I hate to think of what another pregnancy would do to them.

 

I also had prenatal depression last time, a first for me, and would rather not have that again. 

 

I'm 41, and due to risks with older women I'd want to actively be taking DHEA and CoQ10 for at least 34 months before conceiving. In fact, I'm taking them now just in case we have an oops. Another factor to consider.

 

Now, would I adopt another child? Yes, I think I might, but DH is done. He feels the weight of the financial issue that come with raising a family more than some men, and as much as he loves our kids another might kill him. 

 

So at this point, although I'm sure I'd always love just one more baby, I love my husband's mental health more, and I'm willing to say that it wouldn't be worth more wear and tear on my body and on my marriage.

 

However, if my DH wanted another? Yeah, in a heartbeat. But I may be one of those people that never feels done. Had life circumstances (divorce) not happened, I would have happily had at least another 2 kids in the 10 year gap between DS18 and DD7.But I don't have a time machine or any way to go back and fill that gap in.

 

So, maybe your anxiety is your body telling you it is done. I don't know. 

Edited August 28, 2017 by ktgrok

[mom2scouts]

I had my youngest at 42 after years of secondary infertility and miscarriage. At the time, I would've liked to have another and couldn't imagine never having another newborn. I didn't believe I'd ever get to a point where I'd feel done. Now, ten years later, I'm so thankful that we didn't try again. I have an energetic 10 year old and I'm tired. I often feel bad that I just don't have the energy I had with my older kids. My husband is five years older than me and he was already starting to feel that he was moving into a different phase of life. I really didn't understand. It's not like I'm old and decrepit, I'm still quite active, but it's different being an older parent. Having a baby is always exciting, but from your post I'd say you're probably feeling done.

[desertstrawberry5]

If I had another, it would 100% be sick, and may not live a full and healthy life. Facing that with Luna completely broke me, I am exceptionally grateful for the ones I have and I cannot face it again. 

 

I still have wistful moments when I think about baby kicks and newborn snuggles, but keeping Luna alive was so hard. My last two pregnancies were not enjoyable in any way. The births were not pleasant. It would not be the fun, special, sweet time that I remember. It would be grueling and emotional, and possibly tragic. 

 

I never thought I would feel done. I thought my body would wear out before my heart was full. But everyday I look at my precious girl, and I still can't believe she's here, she's healthy, she's alive, and she's staying. I just can't believe it. And of course, I know that I am incredibly blessed with my boys. I always wanted a houseful, and I have it. I cannot ask for more. 

 

I take comfort in knowing that I can adopt later, after my older boys are gone. I can foster babies. I can volunteer in the NICU. I can do so many things, give and receive in so many ways. I have never been available to do those things, because pregnancy, childrearing take so much of me. 

Edited August 28, 2017 by desertstrawberry5

[Scarlett]

DH looks at me today and says, 'Are we going to have another baby, or what?'

 

Yikes.

 

I love babies. I love nothing more than being pregnant and having a newborn at home. But...

 

I'm 43 now. (DH is 37.) I'm nursing the 10mo old, and will be for at least another 18 months. I have been nursing babies/toddlers for the last 5.5 YEARS without a break. I'm so touched out. I have been pregnant and/or nursing for the last 9 years. Also, my oldest is nearly 22!

 

I would have another in a heartbeat if I had been able to lose some (any) weight after the last baby, but I'm 50lbs overweight and the last two pregnancies were just *hard* on my body. My anxiety was through the roof the last time, too. That all being said...I would love another baby..

 

I just can't figure out if I am done. Will I look back and regret not having another, or will I get pregnant again and regret it?

 

So, how do you determine when you're DONE?

In your situation I would be done. You gave several good reasons to be done.

[maize]

I knew I was done about 3 seconds after ds' birth. It was like a switch went off in my head, and never switched back on. I remember being surprised.."Oh, I'm done?" and then it was a sealed deal.

See, this is what I keep hoping for!

 

I had the opposite experience after #5 was born. Lying there in the hospital thinking about how hard the pregnancy and birth had been and wishing I could just know that I was done--and instead having a distinct impression that there were more children for me. Children plural.

 

Which is why I now have seven!

 

No strong feelings either way at the moment.

[bethben]

#1. We couldn't fit any more in the car. #2. Dd made sure to have such exhausting behaviors that another child seemed like way too much

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Edited August 28, 2017 by bethben

[Zoo Keeper]

If I had another, it would 100% be sick, and may not live a full and healthy life. Facing that with Luna completely broke me, I am exceptionally grateful for the ones I have and I cannot face it again. 

 

I still have wistful moments when I think about baby kicks and newborn snuggles, but keeping Luna alive was so hard. My last two pregnancies were not enjoyable in any way. The births were not pleasant. It would not be the fun, special, sweet time that I remember. It would be grueling and emotional, and possibly tragic. 

 

I never thought I would feel done. I thought my body would wear out before my heart was full. But everyday I look at my precious girl, and I still can't believe she's here, she's healthy, she's alive, and she's staying. I just can't believe it. And of course, I know that I am incredibly blessed with my boys. I always wanted a houseful, and I have it. I cannot ask for more. 

 

I take comfort in knowing that I can adopt later, after my older boys are gone. I can foster babies. I can volunteer in the NICU. I can do so many things, give and receive in so many ways. I have never been available to do those things, because pregnancy, childrearing take so much of me. 

 

:grouphug: Strawberry.  You are blessed, and so are your children.

[Hilltopmom]

We were done.

Then started fostering & adopted 3 more.

Now, almost a decade later, I'm really done. Really.

 

I'm exhausted from toddlers. I'm ready to go back to work.

And as it is, we'll still have teens at home when we're in our 60s.

 

If we wanted more, we could have them here tomorrow, our area is that desperate for foster homes, but we're closing our home. (Well, except for siblings.. If I get a call for a new sibling of my adopted kids, it will be really really hard to say no)- so, I'm done. (Mostly)

[Scarlett]

I wants a second child so bad I was obsessed with it. But I couldn't get xh on board.

 

Oh how I suffered. The day I knew I was going to be divorcing him somethng clicked in my head and heart and I have nver wanted another once since.

 

I am very glad I didn't get another when I wanted one. I would have been 52 with an 8 year old instead of a 17 year old.

[desertstrawberry5]

:grouphug: Strawberry.  You are blessed, and so are your children.

Thank you. 

My boys have had their own challenges, some that will be with them forever. I'm not sure how we had the courage to keep having more. I'm an optimist, I guess.  :tongue_smilie: But you can only tempt fate so many times. 

 

If my children and I were healthy, and we hadn't struggled so much financially, I'd have a dozen. Well. Maybe 7. But definitely more. 

Edited August 28, 2017 by desertstrawberry5

[PrincessMommy]

No one can really answer that but you.  Since you have a 22yr old you know what is in store for you in the next 10-20yrs regarding raising a teenage/young adult.    Honestly, those have been the hardest on me than dealing with babies and preschooloers.  I'd love to have another *baby*, but I don't really look forward to teaching another one to drive or dealing with school/friends/boyfriend/girlfriend issues.   I watch my 2 grand kids 2 days a week and I really don't have the stamina or patience I had when I was younger... besides, I'd really like MY life back a bit.  I'm still juggling little kids with my schedule. 

 

For me, looking back, I'm glad I was done at 37.  I'm beginning the driving process with our 16yr old.  I'm 53 and I can't imagine doing this in my 60-70s... but I guess lots of people do it. 

 

Your baby is still pretty young.  Enjoy this stage with him/her...it doesn't last long

[EmseB]

See, this is what I keep hoping for!

 

I had the opposite experience after #5 was born. Lying there in the hospital thinking about how hard the pregnancy and birth had been and wishing I could just know that I was done--

 

This is how I feel.  Pregnancy is not a sweet time for me, or really anybody in the family, lol.  But after number four, and every minute of every day of that pregnancy saying I was never going to do it again...the minute she was out it was like I couldn't imagine never having more.  And I wanted so badly to *feel* done.

 

Right now I'm kind of in a place of trying to ignore the feeling that I should have one more baby.  It doesn't help that DH would love another one, and my kids keep saying things like, "Well, Mom, if you do have another baby..."

 

And also part of it is that I'm finding I'm having some anxiety about getting older (don't laugh since I'm only in my 30s, it's just this acute sense of time passing sometimes) and passing into an age where I can't bear children is part of that. But I probably shouldn't have another baby just out of anxiety, ha ha.

 

In short, if I could answer the OP's question, I'd be much more at peace with myself.

[Mimm]

Some people just feel done. Some people never feel done.

 

For me, it just made sense for us to stop at two. There were times I wished I had enjoyed my children's babyhood and toddlerhood more but mostly I didn't want another baby. I was done for more logical/logistical reasons than feeling reasons. Then I got one accidentally, and I adore her and can't imagine life without her. And now we're done. I hold other people's babies and they are all cute and squishy and I have no desire to have another of my own. I'm done, emotionally. After Middle, it took me years to get rid of all the baby stuff. With Youngest, I get rid of things almost as soon as I'm done with them.

[bibiche]

I knew because we made a conscious decision to do our share to not overpopulate the planet.

[Laura Corin]

Our first one was a surprise, as we thought we couldn't have children.  After that we chose to have one more.  We were choosing positively the number we wanted, not assuming we would have as many as came until we were 'done'.  For us it had to do with our age (Husband is 7 years older than I), financial situation, emotional energy, etc.

[Spryte]

I didn't wait for a feeling, or a sense that we were done.  But, then, I didn't give birth, so my perspective is different.  Possibly not relevant to this thread.

 

We have 3, with a 20 year spread, and that's enough for us.  We obviously actively chose to adopt (or foster-adopt), so there was no element of chance or luck or just seeing what happened.  With our youngest, due to my health issues, I found that the overnights with an infant were very difficult.  DH did all the overnights.  I would not ask that of him again, at this point, though we sometimes discuss fostering more - we do have room, and we often want to do it.  I don't know if it's because we are in our late 40s, or if we have just reached the point at which we are spread too thin (we are caring for elderly parents as well, have a 25 year old who is not fully and completely well-launched, due to his own mental health issues, homeschooling health-challenged 13 and 6 year olds at home, plus my extensive health issues), but I just know we are done.  I know another child would be loved, I know there's always room in our hearts, but I simply can't spread myself thinner at this point, and feel that I'm giving my current kids what they need and deserve.  So, we are done.

 

By the way, I'm not opposed to having kids at an older age, either.   I was almost 40 with our youngest.  My brother and sIl just had a baby, at 52 and mid-40something, and our next door neighbors are 51 and 40, expecting soon.  I fully support them.  I just know that DH and I have our hands as full as we can handle, at this point.  

[Crimson Wife]

I was on the fence until we got the results of the genetic testing that said any future bio kids would have a 1 in 4 chance of the same kind of progressive hearing loss that our youngest has. Plus we never did get an answer about what caused her autism.

 

If someone could promise me that #4 would be typically developing, I would go for it in a heartbeat. But I simply don't have the time, energy, or financial resources to deal with another special needs child.

[heartlikealion]

I am trying to figure out why you are contemplating another if you're already touched out. That's not meant to come out rudely, just wondering. Also the word "yikes" in your post.

 

I would like to say we're done, but if we have an unplanned pregnancy I will do my best to manage. I just cannot imagine going out of my way to try for a third. I am overwhelmed with these two. The nursing went on 21 months and it was a huge struggle given the fact that she couldn't even nurse adequately with her tie. I had to do so much pumping. I am also overweight now. I was considered underweight before I had kids.

[Lawyer&Mom]

We have two, 2 and 4. Dh is 50 and he is done, done, done. I would love to be pregnant again, would love to meet another child. But, I'm accepting that I'm done. Since the second kid I've learned I'm autistic, and I've also learned how much the stress of parenting triggers my autism. I also very likely have Ehlers-Danlos, aging might be more difficult and painful than I expected. So two is good. This is what I can handle. And my two are just the best, so things worked out pretty well!

[Guest]

I struggle, I'm not going to lie! And I only feel done because I'm overwhelmed and sick, but I guarantee when the baby is older and my health has been dealt with a bit I WILL get that baby itch again!

 

So quite frankly, we don't go by my feelings as a litmus for whether we should have more. We are literally doing a cost benefit analysis in a few years, because I'll always want more whether it's a good idea or not. We are reasonably certain we are done, at least with bio children, but are open to more in a few years if it makes sense for both of us. But just going by my feelings we'd already have ten. And I'd probably be bedbound or dead.

Edited August 28, 2017 by Arctic Mama

[medawyn]

I'm pregnant with number 4, and I've felt done since the test turned pink. We're thrilled for this pregnancy, but I can't really see myself doing this again. In contrast, I knew at 40 weeks and miserable with #3 that we weren't done.

 

I will be 36 when this one comes, and DH will be 40, so there are limited years we would want to add more. I love babies but struggle with toddlers, and I'm already imagining the amount of time and energy having 4 teens in the house will require. DH doesn't really do babies or toddlers, so he's honestly not much help. With 4 under 5, my hands are full, and I am pretty certain I'll be at my limit.

 

If we had started 5-8 years before we did, I could imagine taking a break and then adding a few more. But we didn't, so it's lots of littlest all together and really no bigs, so I think that contributes to my sense of "no more".

 

If that baby itch ever returns (I love babies!!), I can imagine that it will be pretty well balanced with the business of four older kids, and I'm not sure I would be able to handle going back to the dependence of littles.

[Crimson Wife]

I knew because we made a conscious decision to do our share to not overpopulate the planet.

 

Average fertility has been crashing across the planet and in most of the countries where WTM posters live, we are below replacement and facing a "demographic winter" because there are FAR more women choosing 0 or 1 child than those choosing 3+. No one should be made to feel guilty about having a medium or larger family.

 

[scrapbookbuzz]

Honestly, it sounds to me like you ARE done, you're just having trouble admitting it to yourself.

If the last two pregnancies were that hard on your body you NEED to be done. I have two kids and with 

each one, I had pre-eclampsia. Pregnancy, while a natural process, is just harder for some people than others.

You said with the last two pregnancies it was really hard on your body, you are 50 lbs overweight due to last pregnancy

and haven't lost it, and during the last pregnancy your anxiety was through the roof. Give yourself a break, woman!

Your dh asked, so answer, "No more babies. We're going to enjoy the kids we have and be thankful for them."

HE is not the one dealing with the stress on his body for 9 straight months at a time. YOU are. Enjoy the kids you have, my friend.

And give your body a chance to be REALLY healthy.

[rainbowmama]

I went through recurrent miscarriages between my second and third kid. When our fourth was stillborn in the third trimester, I knew I wanted to try for one my healthy baby and then we were definitely done. My pregnancy with my fifth was brutal and miserable. I can't live with that level of terror again. I can't go through, or put my family through another late loss. So, even though I'd love a huge brood under other circumstances, I'm done.

[maize]

Average fertility has been crashing across the planet and in most of the countries where WTM posters live, we are below replacement and facing a "demographic winter" because there are FAR more women choosing 0 or 1 child than those choosing 3+. No one should be made to feel guilty about having a medium or larger family.

 

Thank you for saying this.

 

Demographic decline is posing huge problems already for countries such as Japan. Birth rates below replacement rate are not something our society and economic systems are prepared to deal with. I sure hope we figure it out because it is definitely where we are going!

[maize]

I know this is a sensitive topic for many. Clearly every woman needs to make her own decision about when to stop having children--and then there are those who have the decision taken out of their hands because of infertility etc.

 

I don't think any woman should be or feel judged because her family is a different size than someone else's.

[Selkie]

We had tossed around the idea of having four kids, but once #3 was on the way, I knew we were done. One of my mantras is "only do as much as you can do well", and three was my limit of doing it well. I wanted to make sure I had time and energy and patience for each child, and I knew with four I would be stretched too thin. Some moms can handle having lots of kids with ease, but I'm not one of them! 

 

Our three were born within three and a half years of each other and it has worked out perfectly for us. I loved going through the baby and little kid stages, but was happy to move on from it after a few years. I'm 48 now and just can't imagine changing diapers and chasing after little kids at this stage of my life. Our kids are all teens and dh and I are enjoying the increased freedom that comes with the kids getting older. 

[Suzanne in ABQ]

I had a late-in-life delight at 42.  I am a much different mother with her, and she is a much different child than her older siblings.  Interestingly, dh is a much different father.  

 

I was much more tired with her as a baby.  Breastfeeding felt like she was sucking the life out of me, so I quit when she was 18 months old (I had gone 2 1/2 years with her brother, so it felt at the time like I was cutting her off.  Looking back now, I see it differently).  I am less involved in her education (she goes to school).  I don't micro-manage everything she does, like I did her siblings.  She is much more independent and doesn't need my assistance.  She is a lot more mature than her sibs were at her age.  I don't know if this is the result of different parenting, or if she is just more inclined to self-management, or she just had the example of her older siblings and the adults around her, and she's following what she's observed.  It doesn't matter to me why it's like this, but I like it.  My husband has been home a lot more with her than he was with her siblings.  His work changed when we moved (right about the same time we had her), so he's been more involved from the start with her.  They have a very close relationship, and he's always been there to take her places and involved her in his "stuff".  This has made a huge difference.  

 

So, would I have chosen to have her?  No.  I was "done".  Our older two were way past the baby stage at ages 7 and 9.  I had no desire to start all over with another.  When we figured out I was pregnant, I cried.  Dh was delighted!  Am I sorry we have her?  No way!  She brings life and light to every room she enters.  She is amazing.  Sometimes I just sit and stare at her, wondering how this perfect child-nearing-womanhood came from me.  (Based on the way she reacts, I think it freaks her out a little when I stare at her this way).   :001_rolleyes:

 

Of course, you need to make your choice based on your family and your physical ability to do it again.  Older children can be a help (that's the only way families with many children can do it, from what I've seen).  How available will your dh be in providing day-to-day care?  Those are important considerations.  If you will likely be the sole caretaker and nurturer, that will play heavily on your decision.  Also, how are your parents/in-laws doing?  Are you providing any of their care?  If so, you need to consider that.  

 

I wish you well.

 

 

 

Edited August 28, 2017 by Suzanne in ABQ

[Noreen Claire]

Honestly, it sounds to me like you ARE done, you're just having trouble admitting it to yourself.

If the last two pregnancies were that hard on your body you NEED to be done. I have two kids and with

each one, I had pre-eclampsia. Pregnancy, while a natural process, is just harder for some people than others.

You said with the last two pregnancies it was really hard on your body, you are 50 lbs overweight due to last pregnancy

and haven't lost it, and during the last pregnancy your anxiety was through the roof. Give yourself a break, woman!

Your dh asked, so answer, "No more babies. We're going to enjoy the kids we have and be thankful for them."

HE is not the one dealing with the stress on his body for 9 straight months at a time. YOU are. Enjoy the kids you have, my friend.

And give your body a chance to be REALLY healthy.

You sound just like my best friend!