How to know if you're 'done'?

[Noreen Claire]

I went through recurrent miscarriages between my second and third kid. When our fourth was stillborn in the third trimester, I knew I wanted to try for one my healthy baby and then we were definitely done. My pregnancy with my fifth was brutal and miserable. I can't live with that level of terror again. I can't go through, or put my family through another late loss. So, even though I'd love a huge brood under other circumstances, I'm done.

I had 3 losses (four babies) between #2 and #3, including a 2nd trimester loss. I feel your terror. It never goes away.

[DesertBlossom]

I wish I knew. I said all along I wanted 6. #6 was born and I knew I was done. DH scheduled the big V and I about had a panic attack. I wasn't *that* done. But then I decided I was and that it was okay for him to do it. But then he changed his mind and cancelled. *sigh* I got pg again, DH was elated and just as I was starting to wrap my brain around it, I miscarried. But I am back to thinking I am done. I have told DH that when the baby turns 2 I am going to get my tubes tied. He says he'll get the get the V done, but he's not exactly making any appointments either. So....

[Noreen Claire]

Thanks, everyone for your input.

 

My rational brain and my emotional side are at polar opposites. Best to just keep talking it out with DH...

[Elizabeth86]

Thanks, everyone for your input.

 

My rational brain and my emotional side are at polar opposites. Best to just keep talking it out with DH...

I know that feeling. Hugs as you sort it out. I'm always of the mind things work how they are supposed to. Things happen all the time and they seem wrong in my idea of perfect, but it all just works out.

[nixpix5]

I'm in my 40s too and no matter how much I love those baby snuggles I know grandkids aren't far off with my oldest ones. Kids do take energy and finances and the closer one gets to retirement, the trickier that gets. It is hard to say " I am done, I will never have that again" though. I struggled with it alot. Every pregnancy I have ever have though has been a twin pregnancy with only my last one resulting in two live babies. I don't think my heart could take losing another baby and my body certainly could never do a twin pregnancy again. My cousin had triplets at 43. Poor girl :(

[Guest]

I had to be done for medical reasons, so I had to let it go and move forward. There will always be "the last one," so sometimes it's with a twinge of sorrow because he/she needs to be the last one, and other times it's with a sense of relief or peace and certainty.

 

Trying to stop when the emotions are perfectly peaceful and certain is like trying to time the stock market perfectly.

 

You sound like you know that you're done, but you want to be sure that you have the peaceful and certain feelings all lined up and ready before announcing out loud, "I'm done." The emotions may or may not cooperate, so you have to make the decision with your head, and then embrace the family that you have.

 

You will enjoy the next stage when everyone's eating independently, and out of diapers! Sounds like you need some self-care, too.

[MistyMountain]

I would love more children. When I was a kid I always pictured myself with a large family. I briefly reconsidered that after nannying but once having kids it returned. I am not having more because I do not have a strong marriage and dh does not want anymore. If I had a really strong marriage with a dh that wanted more I would have had more in a heartbeat. I definitely have times where I long for more. I would love some more personalities and younger ones in the bunch. It makes me a little sad to never get to experience it all again as each stage passes.

[momacacia]

Baby #4 is almost 2. I'm done for various reasons, but it has helped me to pause and realize what I can give my kids since we're not having more. There will be more interesting travel, a more energetic Mom, a better homeschool and more potential for one on one time with each of them. And there is always the last one, no matter what you do.

[tdbates78]

One and done.

 

That was enough for me. :)

Yep! Except my "one and done" ended up being twins :) Done and done. We are an active family. We like to do weekend trips and travel and we are always seeking out fun new things to do. It would be difficult, physically and financially, to live the kind of lifestyle we desire with a bunch of children. And pregnancy kicked my ass. Edited August 29, 2017 by tdbates78

[happypamama]

I am 40, and my last pregnancy was devastatingly complicated in a way that none of my first five were. Had we brought him home, I think both dh and I would have easily said we were done. But since we didn't, well, we are seriously considering one more. Our oldest will be at least sixteen, and there will be at least a five year gap, but I still feel like someone is missing (someone who is not Nate; obviously he is missing), someone we haven't met yet. So I guess we shall see. My doctors feel that the preeclampsia did not damage my heart and kidneys, and I was never very sick; I delivered early because the baby wouldn't stay stable, not because I wouldn't. I don't know if I will ever feel done, honestly, but at this point, I can't imagine purposely not going for another one.

[rose]

I just figure that when I'm biologically done I'll be emotionally done. I get so broody when my babies are about 1yo. I imagine that feeling will go away at some point.

 

One thing to consider in your position is whether or not you figure you'll regret any permanent choices in the years to come. Maybe you won't and many people mentioned things like the 18 years of commitment ahead of a baby but there are also benefits too. There certainly are 18 years of sacrifice from you but there are also many more years of another human being to enjoy. Another baby will also eventually be another person to care for you and love you in your old age. I don't know if the sacrifice is worth it for you but don't just focus on the negatives. Children really are a joy.

[Zinnia]

I had 4 c-sections, and my ob urged us to consider being done. Dh was definitely done at 4, and we had always talked of just having 4. I went along with that plan. If dh had been eager for another, we would have had had another 1 (or 2).

 

But now that the baby is almost 5, I feel like my hands are full, and this is the right number for us. I no longer have any regret over stopping. Took a while, though.

[bibiche]

Average fertility has been crashing across the planet and in most of the countries where WTM posters live, we are below replacement and facing a "demographic winter" because there are FAR more women choosing 0 or 1 child than those choosing 3+. No one should be made to feel guilty about having a medium or larger family.

 

It is not my intention to make anyone feel guilty. I am just coming at this from a totally different perspective. For me, it is not some "feeling" that determined how many children I would have but a very intentional decision.

 

And I do not view a decline in population as a negative - quite the contrary. I also don't view my genes as more necessary than those of someone else, nor do I believe in borders or "pure" populations.

[Crimson Wife]

It is not my intention to make anyone feel guilty. I am just coming at this from a totally different perspective. For me, it is not some "feeling" that determined how many children I would have but a very intentional decision.

 

And I do not view a decline in population as a negative - quite the contrary. I also don't view my genes as more necessary than those of someone else, nor do I believe in borders or "pure" populations.

 

You are putting some very ugly words into my mouth. Both my brothers are married/engaged to immigrants who are not of European heritage and I couldn't be happier since they are lovely women whose talents make America a better place.

 

The problem with the argument that below-replacement-fertility is not a problem because of immigration is that fertility rates are crashing all over, not just here in the U.S. Mexico is now just barely above replacement (2.2) and the countries in Central and South America that historically sent lots of immigrants to the U.S. are below it. Brazil is even now below the U.S. at a mere 1.7.

 

Immigration may slow the negative effects of "demographic winter" a bit but it's not going to save us because the declining fertility rates are not just a regional problem but a widespread one.

[heartlikealion]

I went through recurrent miscarriages between my second and third kid. When our fourth was stillborn in the third trimester, I knew I wanted to try for one my healthy baby and then we were definitely done. My pregnancy with my fifth was brutal and miserable. I can't live with that level of terror again. I can't go through, or put my family through another late loss. So, even though I'd love a huge brood under other circumstances, I'm done.

 

 

I had 3 losses (four babies) between #2 and #3, including a 2nd trimester loss. I feel your terror. It never goes away.

 

:grouphug:

[MistyMountain]

The only sources I am seeing for a demographic winter are very religious. Declining fertiliy rates are not a huge problem when we have been growing at such an unprecendented rate in recent history. Sure there are some kinks to work out with social security and what not but we do not need rates to keep going up. People are choosing to have less children which is fine. Infertility rates are actually on the decline.

Edited August 29, 2017 by MistyMountain

[Frances]

And while the birth rate in the US has declined, one of the major contributing factors has been a decline in teen births, which is generally viewed as a positive. And rates have actually increased among older, more educated women. It appears likely that women are just delaying motherhood. We are nowhere near facing the declining rate of Japan, as we are fairly open to immigration, and there are still plenty of countries in the world with significantly higher birth rates.

[DawnM]

I was open to adopting one more (my 3rd is adopted) but I would not have been open to actually being pregnant and giving birth again.  I really disliked being pregnant.....both times.  Well, 3 if you count the miscarriage, but carrying for 9 months, two of my kids.

 

But we had some reasons we didn't adopt and although I suppose we still could, it just feels like we are done.  We are 50 and I have a dear friend who adopted two kids after age 50, but I don't think that is for me at all.  I will just wait for Grandkids.

 

 

[EmseB]

It is not my intention to make anyone feel guilty. I am just coming at this from a totally different perspective. For me, it is not some "feeling" that determined how many children I would have but a very intentional decision.

 

And I do not view a decline in population as a negative - quite the contrary. I also don't view my genes as more necessary than those of someone else, nor do I believe in borders or "pure" populations.

 

At the same time, most of us on this thread who have talked about feelings have spoken it in the context of feelings vs. making intentional decisions. That's really the whole topic of the conversation.

 

I'm not sure how one could completely remove feelings or emotions out of the equation of expanding one's family or not. There are many who think that having children just for the joy of it is a completely legitimate reason, but still recognize their limitations.

 

Where did you get the bolded from this thread? That seems like a complete non sequitur.

[Soror]

I had health issues with my last and went from being extremely active to living on the couch, I still don't have my old energy levels and don't think I ever will although I am thankful to feel so much better than I did at my worst. My dh had his own health issues, some congenital but it was driven by stress. He is in a good place now but I don't know that he would be able to keep well if we added on another big stress. So we were both just utterly done after the last, physically and mentally. She didn't have any health issues but was so incredibly high needs and that combined with my own health issues was brutal. I would rather be able to have time and energy with the ones I have. I don't want to destroy my own health or that of my dh's anymore. Health issues are hard on marriages too, rather if they are your own or the kids, stress kills. We feel content with how many we have. I still say maybe some day I will change my mind and decide I want another (I don't foresee that but you never know) but I really am enjoying this phase of life, parenthood, and marriage.

Edited August 29, 2017 by soror

[rutamattatt]

My husband was done after our second bioDS was born.  Being "done" wasn't even a thought on my radar.  It was a rough few years navigating that.  Eventually our hearts led us to older child adoption.

 

I've come to realize I will never feel "done".  I would be the old lady who lived in the shoe.  It helped me emotionally when DH had the big V.  I stopped getting my hopes up each month (we used birth control, but I always thought about/secretly hoped for a potential fail), and I recognize that barring a major fail we are DONE adding babies and children to our family.

 

Now I get my baby fix by helping out younger friends of mine with babies.  It gives me my baby fix, and I can still remember how HARD those baby/toddler years can be and I hope I can give my friends a little break.  It feels like a win/win.  I am SO not ready for grandkids...let me rephrase that, my KIDS are SO not ready to give me grandkids.   :laugh:

[Forget-Me-Not]

We planned to be done at 4, then felt a tug for a fifth. Got pregnant and immediately thought, "What have I done?!" I would have ultimately wrapped my head around it and welcomed the baby of course, but then I miscarried at 10 weeks. I was grief-stricken but very undecided about whether to try again. Eventually we decided against it for several reasons. Every once in a while I think, "oh. . . maybe" but when I think about ACTUALLY going through another pregnancy and infancy and beyond, I just can't do it again. Plus my husband is 46 and our youngest is old enough that having another baby now really would be starting over again. So, we're good with 4 ;)

[AnnE-girl]

Number three was a surprise after several years of thinking we'd probably have at least one more, but the time was never right. And then I went low carb, and my predictable 28 day cycle that I could lazily practice NFP with went wonky. Number three is a joy, and was definitely the person missing from our family. If I had had an easier pregnancy with him, I'd almost be ready to plan for a fourth. It wasn't that bad, compared to what many others went through. But it still scares me.

 

I guess I don't really have any answers.

[bibiche]

You are putting some very ugly words into my mouth. Both my brothers are married/engaged to immigrants who are not of European heritage and I couldn't be happier since they are lovely women whose talents make America a better place.

 

The problem with the argument that below-replacement-fertility is not a problem because of immigration is that fertility rates are crashing all over, not just here in the U.S. Mexico is now just barely above replacement (2.2) and the countries in Central and South America that historically sent lots of immigrants to the U.S. are below it. Brazil is even now below the U.S. at a mere 1.7.

 

Immigration may slow the negative effects of "demographic winter" a bit but it's not going to save us because the declining fertility rates are not just a regional problem but a widespread one.

I am not putting words into your mouth at all; you are misreading what I am saying. You discussed Japan and its negative birth rate. I replied that I don't believe in borders or "pure" populations, meaning that if a country is unhappy with their population decline they can accept immigrants. Japan doesn't have to remain ethnically Japanese any more than the US has to remain ethnically white Christian.

Edited August 30, 2017 by bibiche

[ktgrok]

Here I was thinking I'm okay with being done, and DH told me he was looking up vasectomy info this weekend and my heart just crashed. I logically am done, but the idea of purposely being done....ugh. 

 

 

[MotherGoose]

When the doctor in the middle of your third c section at age 40, which took twice as long as normal and nearly resulted in a blood transfusion says, "you know, you really shouldn't have anymore babies." And other doctors reiterate this. And I still have repercussions nearly two years later from this c section. But I do feel a bit of peace. I did feel that someone was missing before but now I don't. But I had no medical reason to feel that way before. If I did, I would probably have reached a place of peace earlier.

.

[maize]

Oh my! I felt that after one and two, but got away easy after that!

 

I don't think I could have handled seven - kudos to you for being an awesome mama of many!

I think expectations and experience make a difference--dh and I come from families of nine and ten children respectively, so seven actually feels a bit small. And sometimes I think "what if my parents had stopped at seven?" --that would have meant my youngest brother and two sisters wouldn't be in the family.

 

I don't feel like I need to have ten, but I think those :potential: children feel so real partly because in my own family growing up they were in fact real.

 

I'm mostly working on the assumption that my current baby is my last, but the door isn't really closed in my mind and heart. It is possible that one of those potentials will find their way through.

[Meadowlark]

Oh boy...this is a tough one and I know I surely don't have the answers.  I will say, that there are some women (myself being one of them) who might not actually *feel* done...as in, ever. I said we were done after #5 but I admit I had a tug on my heart. But we did sell every single baby thing and put the idea behind us. Every time the conversation came up, my husband said "no" and I asked him if he was sure because I just felt something like it wasn't over. Don't get me wrong, we were emotionally maxed out at the time having 5 kids in 6.5 years. But- It's like I knew another little human being was meant for this world.

 

Then, I got pregnant. It was a dangerous pregnancy and delivery but went remarkable well. My little Violet is here (1 month!) and she is a true gift. I cannot imagine if I wouldn't have listened to my mommy instinct and done something permanent. Having said that, we are now officially done. But I'm not at peace with it. If my heart were the only deciding factor, I'd foolishly keep having more and risk my life foolishly, risk my marriage, go into debt, etc. So just because you have that feeling doesn't necessarily mean you should go ahead and have more. I know I'm contradicting myself but hopefully you can make sense out of this. 

 

In other words, you may never feel done. Motherhood and feeling a baby inside your body is a miraculous event. It's no wonder we want to do it over and over-there's nothing in this whole world that even comes close to comparing to that experience.

[Rosika]

I spent my 20s having babies. I hit 30 with the last one and felt very "done" ... until this year.

 

Insert a surprise pregnancy in my 40s, and now that he's here I'm questioning everything. Suddenly I'm feeling like I am missing one more child. But I can't discern if that's a legitimate feeling or if it's me coming face to face with the end days of my fertility - something I've long taken for granted, or if it's me just having weird issues with {sets} and a need to wrap up my baby-making with a pair and even number. (Yeah, I know. I scare me, too, sometimes.) 

 

In honesty, until this last pregnancy I was looking forward to the end of my childbearing years. This has thrown me for a loop. My children are pushing for one more, but I'm pretty certain I'll be entering the grandparent stage within the next five years. That's typical of my family, anyway, and the path my oldest is on. Any grandchild born within the next TEN years will be closer in age to my current baby than his next oldest sibling. So maybe I just ride it out. I don't know. 

 

I overthink. And over plan.  :svengo:

 

I enjoyed reading Suzanne in ABQ's post. It gives me a glimpse into what could be. The baby isn't even a year old yet but I can already see me parenting very differently in the way she described. My older kids are trying to guilt me into homeschooling this baby, but I see myself "retiring" before this one sees kindy. His next oldest sibling will have graduated high school the year before, and in that year I may start the great American novel ... or find a second career ... or just enjoy not teaching for the first time in 25 years!

 

All that to say: OP, I wish I knew.  :D

[EMS83]

I wasn't, I'm not, but we are.  But it's a completely 100% different situation to yours; I'll likely be an empty-nester at 45.  Hope you come to a consensus with DH.   :grouphug:

[Zinnia]

I spent my 20s having babies. I hit 30 with the last one and felt very "done" ... until this year.

 

Insert a surprise pregnancy in my 40s, and now that he's here I'm questioning everything. Suddenly I'm feeling like I am missing one more child. But I can't discern if that's a legitimate feeling or if it's me coming face to face with the end days of my fertility - something I've long taken for granted, or if it's me just having weird issues with {sets} and a need to wrap up my baby-making with a pair and even number. (Yeah, I know. I scare me, too, sometimes.)

 

In honesty, until this last pregnancy I was looking forward to the end of my childbearing years. This has thrown me for a loop. My children are pushing for one more, but I'm pretty certain I'll be entering the grandparent stage within the next five years. That's typical of my family, anyway, and the path my oldest is on. Any grandchild born within the next TEN years will be closer in age to my current baby than his next oldest sibling. So maybe I just ride it out. I don't know.

 

I overthink. And over plan. :svengo:

 

I enjoyed reading Suzanne in ABQ's post. It gives me a glimpse into what could be. The baby isn't even a year old yet but I can already see me parenting very differently in the way she described. My older kids are trying to guilt me into homeschooling this baby, but I see myself "retiring" before this one sees kindy. His next oldest sibling will have graduated high school the year before, and in that year I may start the great American novel ... or find a second career ... or just enjoy not teaching for the first time in 25 years!

 

All that to say: OP, I wish I knew. :D

We have 4. If we have a surprise 5th, we would have to have a 6th, too, because even numbers. I totally get that.

[Carrie12345]

The only sources I am seeing for a demographic winter are very religious. Declining fertiliy rates are not a huge problem when we have been growing at such an unprecendented rate in recent history. Sure there are some kinks to work out with social security and what not but we do not need rates to keep going up. People are choosing to have less children which is fine. Infertility rates are actually on the decline.

Use search terms like "decline" instead of "winter". I haven't figures out how to link FB links from my iPad, lol.

 

Having taught Human Geography to a class of non-Christians (as a non-Christian) I absolutely see cause for concern.

 

(And if I use that to justify my family size to myself, that's my business, lol)

[ktgrok]

We have 4. If we have a surprise 5th, we would have to have a 6th, too, because even numbers. I totally get that.

 

I don't have an even number issue, but my middle two are close in age, and I do find myself wishing this little one would have a sibling close in age as well. 

[Guinevere]

I spent my 20s having babies. I hit 30 with the last one and felt very "done" ... until this year.

 

Insert a surprise pregnancy in my 40s, and now that he's here I'm questioning everything. Suddenly I'm feeling like I am missing one more child. But I can't discern if that's a legitimate feeling or if it's me coming face to face with the end days of my fertility - something I've long taken for granted, or if it's me just having weird issues with {sets} and a need to wrap up my baby-making with a pair and even number. (Yeah, I know. I scare me, too, sometimes.) 

 

In honesty, until this last pregnancy I was looking forward to the end of my childbearing years. This has thrown me for a loop. My children are pushing for one more, but I'm pretty certain I'll be entering the grandparent stage within the next five years. That's typical of my family, anyway, and the path my oldest is on. Any grandchild born within the next TEN years will be closer in age to my current baby than his next oldest sibling. So maybe I just ride it out. I don't know. 

 

I overthink. And over plan.  :svengo:

 

I enjoyed reading Suzanne in ABQ's post. It gives me a glimpse into what could be. The baby isn't even a year old yet but I can already see me parenting very differently in the way she described. My older kids are trying to guilt me into homeschooling this baby, but I see myself "retiring" before this one sees kindy. His next oldest sibling will have graduated high school the year before, and in that year I may start the great American novel ... or find a second career ... or just enjoy not teaching for the first time in 25 years!

 

All that to say: OP, I wish I knew.  :D

 

I'm the youngest after a big gap, and I always wish my parents had had one more so I could have had a sibling close in age to me.

[FaithManor]

I am 40, and my last pregnancy was devastatingly complicated in a way that none of my first five were. Had we brought him home, I think both dh and I would have easily said we were done. But since we didn't, well, we are seriously considering one more. Our oldest will be at least sixteen, and there will be at least a five year gap, but I still feel like someone is missing (someone who is not Nate; obviously he is missing), someone we haven't met yet. So I guess we shall see. My doctors feel that the preeclampsia did not damage my heart and kidneys, and I was never very sick; I delivered early because the baby wouldn't stay stable, not because I wouldn't. I don't know if I will ever feel done, honestly, but at this point, I can't imagine purposely not going for another one.

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Audrey]

 

So, how do you determine when you're DONE?

 

I think you just know it.   If you're still asking questions and debating it, you're probably not really, mentally done.

 

For me, it was one and done.  Same for dh.  It was just never a thought or a point of discussion again after that.  No regrets either, and he's all grown up now.  :)

[La Condessa]

I definitely feel not done.  I have vivid dreams where there is another child, but I never see the kid's face.  I regularly will be out and about with my kids and suddenly have a panic moment that I've lost one--at a park, crossing a parking lot, at the beach, even sometimes when I am calling the kids for dinner or something--but they are all four there.  My dh is also baby hungry, but he doesn't want me to be pregnant again.  During my last pregnancy, when they were talking about trying to get me to 37 weeks before induction, but why they might need to induce earlier, he asked what exactly they were worried about happening.  When the doctor said the word stroke, in that instant he was absolutely done with pregnancy. 

 

We would love to adopt, but adoption is so stinking expensive.

[BusyMom5]

I thought 4 would be the perfect number- long before we ever even started having kids.  I wanted 2 sets of 2 closely spaced kids, with a break inbetween.  We had 4 kids in less than 5 years ;)  Life was crazy!  I had my number, I had 2 boys and 2 girls- two sets, just like I had always pictured.  SOmeone was still missing, and I wanted another girl!  We had #5- a girl!  I felt I was done, I love the dynamics, I think it's the pefect number for us, it just felt right.  I've been done for 6 years, l felt like we entered a new phase of life- no more babies, strollers, naps, ect.  We are expecting #6.  I no longer know what to feel.  There is a big part of me that feels badly for this baby not having a closer spaced sibbling.  If we have another, it will be to give this one the gift of a sibling close in age- I still have time- I'm 36, I could have a few more if I wanted to.  I'm hoping that our parents don't have big medical issues in the next few years (that will be something that will eventually happen, ubt we hope much later).  We don't have more room in our cars, our house is okay size-wise if kids keep doubling up.  MOney- who knows how thats going to hold up, but I'm not worried too much about that (YET- college is in the future).  I'm most concerned about having time for me- I just got that back, and I'm reluctant to give it up.  I do think I will parent this one a little differently in some ways, I'm way more laid back, I feel like we sort of figured this thing out.  I do worry a bit about having a 'baby of the family' so much younger- and hope that we aren't too lax by the time she's a teenager!  I also think her life will be different having so many much older sibblings- they will probably have kids before she leaves home!  We were hoping to travel as the kids left, so this one may get to travel more.  I don't know.  I'm still trying to figure out what it will be like.  So, I guess, I was done.  It felt good to be done.  Now I'm not, I don't feel that settled about the decision anymore, and hope for clarity in the coming months.  

 

 

[MotherGoose]

I don't have an even number issue, but my middle two are close in age, and I do find myself wishing this little one would have a sibling close in age as well.

Me too, but I'm 42. I've had three c sections, and pregnancy totally exhausts me the older I get. The only way I survived the last one was by NOT having a toddler while being pregnant. 😄 If someone would hand me a baby without the pregnancy part I would totally do it.

[ktgrok]

Me too, but I'm 42. I've had three c sections, and pregnancy totally exhausts me the older I get. The only way I survived the last one was by NOT having a toddler while being pregnant. 😄 If someone would hand me a baby without the pregnancy part I would totally do it.

 

I'm 41 and I hear you! That's where I am. I'd love another baby, but no pregnancy. 4 times was plenty. 

[Meadowlark]

I'm 41 and I hear you! That's where I am. I'd love another baby, but no pregnancy. 4 times was plenty. 

 

I agree. I just turned 40 and all of a sudden, hitting that number just did something to me. My 6 pregnancies have been awesome-no problems. But this last one was a lot of fear. I found out on the operating table that the fear was mostly just nonsense spewing from a doctor's mouth, because things "miraculously" were fine when I thought I was surely going to die on the table. (my point being-doctors often try to scare you!)

 

But-I WAS exhausted and according to my husband, pretty crazy hormonal and well, unpleasant to live with to say the least. But not having a toddler was a Godsend too, and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be surviving having a newborn if I had a toddler too.

[Rosika]

We have 4. If we have a surprise 5th, we would have to have a 6th, too, because even numbers. I totally get that.

 

I feel totally comforted! I read that to my husband and said, "Hey! See! I'm not the only one!!!"  :willy_nilly:  :hurray: and he said a silent prayer for your husband.  :lol: I choose to believe that these little quirks are part of our natural charm!

[Rosika]

I'm the youngest after a big gap, and I always wish my parents had had one more so I could have had a sibling close in age to me.

 

This is how I think I'd feel, too. I come from a really big family, and while I've chosen to keep my family smaller ... I know that I'd have never wanted to be an only child, or a child with more than a five year gap between myself and the next sibling. That's just my personality.

 

I asked my baby sister what she thought, and she confessed that she always wished she was an only child. Harrumph! So I crossed her off my Christmas list started to consider that individual personalities definitely matter here, and there's no way to know right now whether my current baby is like me or like my sister. 

 

And like any good planner, I've come up with a Word doc of pros and cons  :rolleyes: My 17 year old has generously informed me that babies aren't made via spreadsheet, and that if I waste what's left of my fertile years trying to plan ... the baby will definitely end up without that caboose sibling. He just took all the kids with him to drop my daughter off at soccer practice and said he was taking them out for pizza after. Not so subtle hinting there! LOL

 

I'm glad you chimed in. I do worry about this. 

[MotherGoose]

I agree. I just turned 40 and all of a sudden, hitting that number just did something to me. My 6 pregnancies have been awesome-no problems. But this last one was a lot of fear. I found out on the operating table that the fear was mostly just nonsense spewing from a doctor's mouth, because things "miraculously" were fine when I thought I was surely going to die on the table. (my point being-doctors often try to scare you!)

 

But-I WAS exhausted and according to my husband, pretty crazy hormonal and well, unpleasant to live with to say the least. But not having a toddler was a Godsend too, and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be surviving having a newborn if I had a toddler too.

I was an insane person with pregnancy #3. I cannot even imagine how I'd be with number four.

[maize]

I feel totally comforted! I read that to my husband and said, "Hey! See! I'm not the only one!!!" :willy_nilly: :hurray: and he said a silent prayer for your husband. :lol: I choose to believe that these little quirks are part of our natural charm!

And I prefer odd numbers!

 

 

I really like the number seven, nice and uneven. Better than five too because five is half of ten and just too much of a square box number.

 

If I had to pick a number above seven that I like it would be 11.

 

Now that's a great number!

 

Definitely not having 11 though, unless I have a surprise quadruplet pregnancy.

 

I don't think I could have felt happy about any number lower than seven, 1-6 are all pretty boring...

 

:tongue_smilie:

 

I will say having more boys than girls feels a bit odd to me, I grew up with five sisters and only four brothers.

Edited September 2, 2017 by maize

[Barb_]

And I prefer odd numbers!

 

 

I really like the number seven, nice and uneven. Better than five too because five is half of ten and just too much of a square box number.

 

Of I had to pick a number above seven that I like it would be 11.

 

Now that's a great number!

 

Definitely not having 11 though, unless I have a surprise quadrupled pregnancy.

 

I don't think I could have felt happy about any number lower than seven, 1-6 are all pretty boring...

 

:tongue_smilie:

 

I will say having more boys than girls feels a bit odd to me, I grew up with five sisters and only four brothers.

Yes! We like odd numbers too :) Our family has always felt most settled with odd numbers. I could be busy with one child and everyone else had a buddy to play with, no odd one out.

[xixstar]

With kids 2 and 3 -- closely spaced ages -- I was miserable but also really wanted more kids but not really because I was miserable.

It was hard having two close together, I couldn't make sense of the feeling that I was so overwhelmed but I still wanted more kids. We didn't have more right away because we were both drowning and DH was pretty done.

But then life got easier and I still wanted another and so my youngest is here and now I am soooo freaking done. Apparently infancy and toddlerhood means that I am miserable, but this time, I'm miserable with no desires at all, not an ounce, for another child. Done! Done! Done!  I could not say that before -- before, I could say I was exhausted and miserable and couldn't image having another, but I didn't feel done. So - people would say that when you're done you feel it and now I agree.

However -- that's not to say that there is not also the point of when you decide to have no more, that can be a totally different feeling. It's not a feeling of being done, but simply a feeling that you're not going down that path anymore. I kinda wish I could have understood that more before and also accepted it more because then I could have given myself permission to want something so much but also permission to tell myself that it was no longer the best choice for our family. 

I'm also one of those people that says the taboo thing that you can totally have a child and regret that choice -- socially we don't seem to give people space to do that. I guess because people can't grasp the idea that someone can wish they didn't have a child and still love that child with all that they are. But hey, that's okay, to each their own.

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

I don't agree that there may come a moment when you are ABSOLUTELY DONE!  I know I am done, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't like more kids.  Dh is definitely done.  I am so sure I'm done that I finally got my abdominal hernia repaired, which is not a great idea if a person thinks they might have more kids.  

 

Now, my absolute baby fever that I used to have is gone, so that helps me accept our "doneness".  Baby 4 was a surprise, and that was pretty stressful for us, and that also helps me see that numbers 5-infinity would just be increasingly stressful on our marriage.  So again, I accept our doneness and don't begrudge it at all.  

 

And now that we're done, here are some advantages I have found:

 

- Baby is 3 years old.  This is the first time in 11 years that I had not been pregnant or nursing, and the first time in 11 years that I am getting consistant sleep.  Wow, what a difference this makes for me in terms of energy, mood, productivity...

- I feel like I can take time for my own health now.  I got an operation that I'd been putting off for 10 years (got the hernia during pregnancy with first kid) and that has made it possible for me to exercise more strenuously.

- I started exercising again- running and lifting weights- which I was previously too worn out to do and/or couldn't do because of hernia pain.

- I changed my look- new haircut, updated clothes.

- I feel a bit younger than I have for probably the last 5 years because of the improved sleep, energy, and attention to myself.

- I am really enjoying my big kids because I don't have a laser focus on baby's needs.  

 

I want things out of life that I didn't know I wanted until now.  I want a career after kids, including going back to school.  I want to regain some serious fitness and maintain it well into my senior years.  I want to be an active grandparent.  It would be incorrect to say I will love those things more than I would love another child.  But it is correct to say that at this point, I want them more than I want another child.  

[Lisa R.]

 

I'm also one of those people that says the taboo thing that you can totally have a child and regret that choice -- socially we don't seem to give people space to do that. I guess because people can't grasp the idea that someone can wish they didn't have a child and still love that child with all that they are. But hey, that's okay, to each their own.

I do think this is a hidden secret some moms carry. I've had some friends hint that while they love their youngest, they had more children than was optimum for their family. Everyone has a different capacity, and it's hard to predict the pressure and effort all the kids will take. I've seen large families stretched almost to the breaking point taking care of teens in crisis while still caring for toddlers and babies. Many (most?) are surprised at how much time the average teen takes as we tend to think it gets easier after the toddler years. It does get easier, but then it can get harder as people ride out some rocky teen or young adult years. (Hint: if our teens don't take a lot of time, we're probably not doing something right.)

[Barb_]

Yes! I adore my last two children, but I wish they were my grandchildren 😋