Time for some serious honesty

[Audrey]

This is a completely anonymous poll.  I want to know if people will admit to having a favourite child (assuming you have more than one child).  Will people admit to playing favourites sometimes?  

​I ask because this came up in conversation and I have heard more than once that people with siblings (myself included) have often claimed that they were or weren't the "favourite child."  I can't just go ask my mom because she's dead, and I'm pretty sure that even if she had a favourite, she surely wouldn't have admitted it to me.  I tell my kid all the time that he's my favourite kid, and he tells me I'm his favourite mom.  But, that's just a little joke because he's the only kid I've ever had, just as I'm the only mom he's ever had.

 

But, what about other moms? If you have more than one child, do you have a favourite and would you admit it?  Again, the poll is completely anonymous. 

 

Edited July 4, 2016 by Audrey

[blondeviolin]

Different circumstances mean that I prefer certain children over others. But other circumstances mean I don't prefer those that were preferred in original times.

 

Some are easier to be around, but that doesn't mean that I prefer them less. It just means I have to work harder for the relationship. And because I do, I value that relationship because I've worked for it. And yet, I value the relationships I don't have to work for because I didn't have to put in the work so I can enjoy it more.

[Arcadia]

My MIL and FIL definitely have favourites among their 3 kids which is obvious even now. My SIL's husband has a favourite. My BIL and his wife has their favourite child among their 3 kids. My hubby used to have a favourite when our kids were under 5, my parents and in-laws commented on it.

[Anne]

Sometimes one child is easier than the other. Other times, it's reversed. Each child has characteristics that make him easier sometimes and harder others. I'm sure my children feel that way about my husband and me - sometimes one of us is easier to deal with - and other times, it's the other one!

 

So, no favorite child here - except for "in the moment"...

 

Anne

[Audrey]

My MIL and FIL definitely have favourites among their 3 kids which is obvious even now. My SIL's husband has a favourite. My BIL and his wife has their favourite child among their 3 kids. My hubby used to have a favourite when our kids were under 5, my parents and in-laws commented on it.

 

But do you think your MIL and FIL would admit they have favourites?  I mean... you can sometimes see it happening in others, but would those parents see it AND admit it in themselves?  I think that might be a rhetorical question.  I don't know.  I think it definitely happens that parents have favourites, but I don't know if those parents would ever see it in themselves, let alone admit it. 

[gardenmom5]

I do not play favorites.  I try to focus on making sure needs are met. (including "fun".)  I have kids I like more -because they are easier personalities.  I have kids I talk about more stuff with - because they're talkative. 

 

 

My sister posted something to FB about how she thought I was the favorite when we were growing up, and had things easier.  I responded with my own opinions - which were very enlightening to her.

[Ausmumof3]

I don't have a particular favourite but I certainly have times when one or other is easier and more pleasant to be with. It fluctuates though.

[Audrey]

I do not play favorites.  I try to focus on making sure needs are met. (including "fun".)  I have kids I like more -because they are easier personalities.  I have kids I talk about more stuff with - because they're talkative. 

 

 

My sister posted something to FB about how she thought I was the favorite when we were growing up, and had things easier.  I responded with my own opinions - which were very enlightening to her.

I think a lot of siblings have conversations like that.  I know my brother and I have.  As a parent, he has admitted that one of his children is a lot easier than the other and that he probably does play favourites sometimes, even if he wasn't trying to on purpose.  He thinks I was the favourite.  I am quite sure that isn't the case.  We both have different opinions on it, and I think both are right and wrong at the same time.  Unfortunately, we can't verify this with our parents who are both gone now, and even if we could, we both know neither one of them would ever admit to having a favourite.

Edited July 4, 2016 by Audrey

[Jean in Newcastle]

No favorites here.  I do like one child or the other more on some days just due to their behavior but that varies from day to day and probably even from hour to hour. 

[Audrey]

I don't have a particular favourite but I certainly have times when one or other is easier and more pleasant to be with. It fluctuates though.

Maybe I should add something to the poll about sometimes having a favourite.

[nd293]

At one stage I did prefer one child over the other based on age and ease of parenting. It was a horrible time. Now I can say I like both equally. We have an easy relationship so I'll often tell one or the other that they're my favourite based on something silly like being ready on time or bringing me coffee, but they know it's a joke and that the winner of the "favourite kid award" changes several times a day!

[LMD]

No, I don't have a favourite. Sometimes I joke that I do but it's just a surge of love/pride/joy in a particular kid in that particular moment.

[Guest]

Sometimes one child is easier than the other. Other times, it's reversed. Each child has characteristics that make him easier sometimes and harder others. I'm sure my children feel that way about my husband and me - sometimes one of us is easier to deal with - and other times, it's the other one!

 

So, no favorite child here - except for "in the moment"...

 

Anne

That's how I feel. Each of my kids are amazing in some specific ways and complete pills in others. Depending on how they are feeling and acting that day and the circumstances we are in I might prefer one over another. But I don't really play favorites and neither does my husband, we try very hard to be equitable with time, energy, and attitudes on our parts.

[Arcadia]

But do you think your MIL and FIL would admit they have favourites? I mean... you can sometimes see it happening in others, but would those parents see it AND admit it in themselves? I think that might be a rhetorical question. I don't know. I think it definitely happens that parents have favourites, but I don't know if those parents would ever see it in themselves, let alone admit it.

My in-laws won't because it is awkward to admit. They do know though, like if they receive something nice, their favourite child gets asked first. MIL and FIL have different favourites. They were also told by relatives that they were unfair.

My hubby wasn't favoured by either parent and I am guessing his favouring one toddler more than the other was subconscious until people mentioned. His was such a mild difference and because of the age that even people who mentioned said it could be the "easier child" looks favoured. My hubby had never babysat nieces and nephews so it wasn't weird that he would take care of the easier child while I have the other child when we go to places like the San Francisco Zoo or Monterey Aquarium or Disneyland for that matter.

[frogger]

I treat all my children differently because they are different people. They have different strengths and weaknesses and yes they are all annoying and endearing in completely different ways. They see me trying to even things out sometimes but the younger ones with LD's need more of my time and the older ones need more costly things and that is just life.

[Grover]

Our relationship is such that sometimes I'l say things like "you're not my favourite any more" or "ahhh you're my favourite" - as mentioned above, it's usually over silly little things.  My son knows he is always my favourite son and my daughter knows she is my number one favourite daughter.  I often tell them they are the best son/daughter I've ever had (I tell my husband he's my favourite out of all my husbands too). 

 

Do I actually have a favourite?  No - sometimes I find one easier than the other, for SURE.  But they seem to take that turn about, so it works out about the same :-)  My mother is the only person in our family who really plays favourites, but she's got her own set of issues, so we don't expect anything different.  I try to protect my non-favoured child (and the favoured one too) by limiting contact. 

 

One of my children is harder to like than the other - a "marmite child" we call it here, you either love or hate them, but there is no middle ground.  I feel bad for that child sometimes, because I can see the good along with the challenging, but others often see just the challenge and overlook the good. 

[Rosie_0801]

Ah. I was lucky. I had a best boy and a best girl.  :001_wub:

[Pawz4me]

Overall -- no favorite. But at any given hour or on any given day or week I may be relating to one better than the other. And that can sometimes go on for extended periods of time. But so far it always eventually shifts back to an even keel or in the other direction. I guess as humans we're all in flux constantly, so depending on what any of us are dealing with (parents included) may make it easier or harder to get along with  and relate to anyone else at a given time. And I think with parenting it's sometimes easy for it to look or seem like we're favoring a certain child just because he or she is the one who needs us the most at that time. But there's a difference in someone needing us the most and in favoring that child the most.

Edited July 4, 2016 by Pawz4me

[ErinE]

I don't have a favorite; depending on the age and time, certain children are easier to get along with so it can appear like there's a favorite.

 

Growing up, I thought my parents had a favorite, but with time and reflection, I realized it was just one child being difficult. Now that I'm an adult, I'm pretty sure my parent loves us all equally though she still gets along better with one sibling in particular more than the others.

[creekland]

Absolutely no favorites here.  When traveling, I wish they all were with us (now that they're grown and aren't).  When at home for breaks, I wish they all could be there.  I'm just as excited celebrating joys (like oldest's new job, middle son's med school app progress, youngest's on-the-job success with teens) for each of them.  I'd also be just as sad if anything bad were to happen to any of them - even breakups with their gf.

 

My sister will often tell everyone I was the favorite child.  Me.  The difficult one while she was the people pleaser.  Many of us get laughs out of that.  She never started saying it until our lives diverged a bit as adults.  I'm not sure we can trust perception from the kid's side.  As kids I firmly recall my parents trying to make things as equal as possible (presents, etc) - and my giving them many gray hair moments.  Now I might be the favored child, but as I said, our lives diverged a bit as adults.  It's also possible they still love us the same and just wish she'd make different choices.  I expect equal treatment in wills.  If it doesn't happen.  I'll see to it that it does (assuming I'm the favored).

Edited July 4, 2016 by creekland

[kewb]

My favorite changes from situation to situation. For example: The favorite will be the one who does what I ask without complaint. Or the one who is not behaving like a jerk.

 

In general, one of my kids is easier to be around. Their personality meshes well with mine. This does not mean this child is always the favorite.

 

As for my sister and I. We each thought the other was the favorite. We talked about it once when we were in our twenties. Both of us were surprised that we each thought the other was the favorite.

 

My two cents is that the perception of favoritism is really a personality match.

[Guest]

I do not have a favorite child. One thing that annoys me is when other parents insist that all people with multiple children have a favorite child. Maybe they just want to feel better about their favoritism.

 

It is true that my children have been more of less frustrating to parent at some point in their lives; one was an amazingly fussy infant, one was an unbeleivably beligerant toddler, one is the more tricky teen. But this doesn't equate to thinking one is "better" than the others. We all have our flaws and they manifest in different times and situations.

 

To me, "favorite child" means you would go to greater/the greatest lengths to secure the one child's health, well-being and happiness than the other(s). No, I would never do this.

 

I do have a memory (which may very well be a dream or a manufacturered memory) of my mother telling me, when we were alone in the car one day, that I was her favorite child. But I have no idea if this actually happened, and it is also possible she was playing a phsycological game and told each of us this.

[Caroline]

My mom once said her favorite child was the one who needed to be her favorite at that moment. I didn't understand what she meant at the time, but I do now. Sometimes one kid just needs to feel that he's the special one.

[Guest]

Ah. I was lucky. I had a best boy and a best girl. :001_wub:

Many hugs. <3.

[marbel]

I think a lot of siblings have conversations like that.  I know my brother and I have.  As a parent, he has admitted that one of his children is a lot easier than the other and that he probably does play favourites sometimes, even if he wasn't trying to on purpose.  He thinks I was the favourite.  I am quite sure that isn't the case.  We both have different opinions on it, and I think both are right and wrong at the same time.  Unfortunately, we can't verify this with our parents who are both gone now, and even if we could, we both know neither one of them would ever admit to having a favourite.

 

My mother once told me I was her favorite.  I am the youngest and I ended up being the most responsible of the 3 of us.  But even as a kid I was more easy-going, never got in trouble - because I never did anything to get in trouble.  I was quiet and preferred to read so  how could I get in trouble? :-)   I was the executor of her estate when she died.  I don't know if my father had a favorite.  I do wish my  mom had not told me that.

 

My sister thought my brother was the favorite, because our mother expended a lot of time and energy on  him.  He was more difficult to parent, while my mom felt my sister would aways be OK and didn't need as much parenting.  But she (sister) was a pretty discontented person in general.  She and my mom clashed badly during the teen years.   For a long time I thought my sister was the favorite, but that was mostly because people outside our immediate family treated her better than me, because she was pretty and outgoing, while I was homely and shy. 

 

One of my kids takes more of my energy and time, so I have taken pains to explain to my other child that it is not because I favor them, but because they simply need me more. 

 

My favoritism is definitely situational as others have said.

 

 

Edited July 4, 2016 by marbel

[creekland]

I do have a memory (which may very well be a dream or a manufacturered memory) of my mother telling me, when we were alone in the car one day, that I was her favorite child. But I have no idea if this actually happened, and it is also possible she was playing a phsycological game and told each of us this.

 

We tell each of our boys that they are "our favorite insert kid's name."  We're completely honest about it too!

[Guest]

We tell each of our boys that they are "our favorite insert kid's name." We're completely honest about it too!

I do that, too. "You are the best eleven-year-old I have!" Wink, smile. They often return it by saying I'm their favorite mother.

 

 

ETA: the "memory" I have of my mother saying this was (if it happened) a manipulation tactic and would have been meant for me to believe I am the best/easiest/most loveable child. Because thinking one is this makes behavior tend to line up; i.e., "well I better do this right because mom said I am the favorite." This *IS* something my mom would do. It matches her other parenting techniques. But I still think it probably did not happen and I manufactured that memory.

Edited July 4, 2016 by Quill

[Alice]

We tell each of our boys that they are "our favorite insert kid's name."  We're completely honest about it too!

 

 

I say this to my kids too. 

 

I don't have a favorite. My oldest is very very similar to me in personality so I worry that sometimes my second son perceives that the oldest is my favorite. He's just easy for me to parent because I completely get him. He's easy to teach because our learning styles are different and it's easy for me to understand why he's upset if he's upset.

 

My middle son is the most difficult for me as he has a very different personality from me and sometimes I just have a hard time getting why he's upset or struggling with something. On a few occasions he has said things that show that he compares himself unfavorably with his brother. However, he's very much like my husband and he knows it. Sometimes, when he and I are struggling over some issue I'll remind him that he reminds me of his father so much and remind him of how much I love his Dad. 

 

My daughter totally has the youngest child, only girl, princess thing going despite all efforts on our part to not foster that. So I don't worry about whether or not she feels favored. I'm sure in her mind she's everyone's favorite. 

[JustEm]

I don't have a favorite but I certainly have a most difficult child. They are not my least favorite because I work very hard at making myself focus on the good and ignoring the bad. They could easily be a least favorite if I allowed myself to lower myself to those thoughts.

[ktgrok]

I often joke (when kids are not around) that my youngest is my favorite. And he kind of is, seriously. He's sweet, tender hearted, and the only one that snuggles me of his own accord and tells me he loves me. He is just so snuggly and loving. None of the others ever were. So in that way, sure. But I don't play favorites. I'm sure my 6 yr old DD would say she was the favorite, if you asked, lol. And sometimes she is, she's the most helpful out of all them for sure. But she's daddy's girl if anything. 

 

And the oldest....well, it is what it is. I love him, but no one is going to think he's the favorite. 

 

So in some ways, the baby of the family IS the favorite, but it doesn't effect my parenting, what they are allowed to do, rules, etc. And he can get into TONS of trouble. 

[Joyofsixreboot]

I really don't. They are all so different and I've been blessed and lucky to have an individual relationship vibe with each one.

Edited July 4, 2016 by joyofsix

[momacacia]

No. One may be making me crazier than the other at any given moment, but I don't ever prefer, like or love one over the other at any given time.

[Angie in VA]

Mine seem to take turns being rotten, or at the very least, aren't both rotten at the same time, for which I am grateful. 

 

I don't have a favorite, but I often tell each of my children that he is my favorite. I do this when the other is in ear shot. They know it's a running joke.

[Xahm]

Growing up I was one of 4 and the only girl, so I was favored in some ways and my brothers would say I was the favorite. The oldest was favored in some ways, as was the youngest. My middle brother was a bit left out by my parents, but more so by extended family. To combat this, I made him my favorite. Now with my kids I'm more worried about avoiding that. I don't want a "difficult child" to be labeled "the bad one" by others. My difficult brother was the sweetest boy unless his sense of justice had been violated. Now he's a great responsible adult, too.

[elegantlion]

Growing up my parents each had a favorite. I was my mom's, my sister was my dad's. It was spoken and very apparent, although kind of tongue-in-cheek. My mom and sister have personalities that clash to this day. It worked out good when when we would go on vacations.. Mom was in charge of me, Dad in charge of my sister. 

[SproutMamaK]

I don't have favourites. I do have kids whose personalities are more suited to what I might need at that moment. One loves to have deep conversations about serious issues. One is very responsible and loves to help. One is silly and ridiculous. etc, etc. They all have different qualities that I appreciate at different times, which may to them feel like favoritism, I suppose. I hope not, but goodness knows people can feel a LOT of things with less provocation than that!

[Noreen Claire]

I don't have a favorite, per se, but...

 

...I've always been partial to the baby-of-the-moment (obviously); and I tend to spent a great deal more energy/worry/caution/concern for my oldest, because he has multiple medical/health issues, he was an only child until he was 13, he doesn't really have anything in common with my husband (his step-father), and he's an adult while the other boys are little so he can be easily forgotten about in the day-to-day of life...

[lovinmyboys]

I think people often perceive favoritism when it really isn't there. I get so frustrated with my dh's and my siblings about this. If my parents (or ILs) do something nice for one sibling they get all upset and accuse them of favoritism. It drives me crazy. Sometimes certain children need something that the other children don't need.

 

Once my ILs bought one of their kids groceries because they were going through a rough patch and another sibling accused them of playing favorites. I had a baby when Dh was deployed and my mom helped me quite a bit (had the other kids spend the night) and one of my siblings got mad about that. I have had enough of these kind of experiences that I am very wary whenever someone starts complaining about favorites.

 

Having said that, I do think it is very hard to treat different people equally so it is easy to perceive favoritism. When my most difficult child was four, he took so much of my time and attention. I kind of resented it because it gave me so much less time for my other 3 kids. It is possible my other kids perceived him as my favorite even though at the time he most assuredly wasn't. (I still loved him but I would have preferred spending more time with the kids who didn't strip naked every time they had to go somewhere they didn't want to go).

 

My kids are all my favorites in different ways. One is so funny. One is so snuggly. One is such a thinker. One is so adventurous. It is true I have a favorite joke teller-but he isn't my favorite. I have one that is my favorite to play strategy games with-but he isn't my favorite. I have one who is my favorite to hike with, etc.

Edited July 4, 2016 by lovinmyboys

[saw]

I have a matrix that my kids fit in. There's the difficult to easy axis and the competent to less competent axis. There's four kids, one who is easy and competent, another easy and less competent (think forgetful and spacey), and two who are difficult, one of whom is less competent and the other of whom is extremely competent. The easy competent child is a breeze to get on with most of the time, while the difficult ones can be so ... difficult. This is speaking generally and somewhat tongue in cheek, so don't take it too seriously. I don't have a favorite child but I have a much harder time ensuring that I relate well to two of the children than the others (likely because "difficult" here means takes after me personality-wise and so we butt heads way too often). One difficult child told me today that I'm always in a bad mood and that she resented pitching in with a bit of clean-up. The easy ones voluntarily cleaned the bathroom. 

[zoobie]

I joke about it: who wants to be my favorite kid? Sometimes I'm offering a hug or sometimes I need the dishwasher unloaded. We all joke that the baby is our favorite. She's 2 now and not as cuddly as she was, but she has one of those melting smiles and is just a happy, happy girl. My one son gets called my favorite boy all the time. I voted for the last one, but I mean it in a lighthearted manner. I don't play favorites to manipulate the kids. They do get treated differently because of different needs and ages.

 

Edited just so it's clear: I have one boy and three girls. I don't mean I'm calling one of multiple sons my favorite. ;) My girls get "favorite" pet names too.

Edited July 4, 2016 by zoobie

[BigMamaBird]

I don't have a favorite child.   However, each child has their moments where they are easier to get along with, more fun to hang out with, etc.  On the flip side, each child also has their days where I seriously consider selling them to gypsies.    I'm sure that my family would say the same thing about me.  It's just part of life.

 

Right now my 11 year old Dd is giving Dh and I fits.  Puberty is going to be a rough road.

[DawnM]

This is a very hard question to answer.  I almost put I have a least favorite, but I don't LOVE him any less, he is just VERY difficult sometimes and I admit to wishing he weren't my son on occasion.  But he can't help a lot of it.  He has Asperger's and honestly, he has made ME a better person.  I have become kinder, gentler, and more longsuffering, even though it would be easier not to be any of those things.  My human nature is to get upset and yell at him.  I have changed.

 

My youngest is almost always in a good mood.  He is helpful and kind and easy to love and be with.  

 

My middle is very kind and gentle.  He l likes to laugh.

 

My oldest is often in a bad mood (Aspie), often grumpy, complains a lot.  

 

Sigh, you asked for brutal honesty.

 

 

Edited July 4, 2016 by DawnM

[Reefgazer]

No, I really don't have a favorite.  I love them both equally, but for different reasons and in different ways, because they are such different kids.  But I couldn't pick a favorite because I honestly don't have a favorite.

[Valley Girl]

As many others have said, each child is different. Each child needs different things. Each is the "easier" and the "more difficult" child at different times and for different reasons. But there are no favorites here.

 

I will say that if you asked them, each child would say the other is the favorite. I figure that means I'm either doing something right or doing everything wrong.

[meena]

Sometimes one child is easier than the other. Other times, it's reversed. Each child has characteristics that make him easier sometimes and harder others. I'm sure my children feel that way about my husband and me - sometimes one of us is easier to deal with - and other times, it's the other one!

 

So, no favorite child here - except for "in the moment"...

 

Anne

This is exactly how I feel. We openly discuss this with our kids, from the point of view that we are different personalities functioning together as a family unit. There are some times and circumstances where one or more of us can be easier or difficult. We need to seek forgiveness and/or a change of attitude when we are the one being difficult, and we need to be gracious to the one who is having a difficulty to help that person out. We also have used it to show that loving relationships have ups and downs, hopefully to help them better negotiate future relationships. We feel it's better to talk about these things than have our kids silently resenting us or each other because they think we (or they) have favorites.

[BooksandBoys]

We tell each of our boys that they are "our favorite insert kid's name." We're completely honest about it too!

I tell my boys this all the time (with their name). I also say, "You're my favorite oldest son (middle son, youngest son). I've occasionally commented that a child was my favorite green eyed child, blue eyed child, or blue and green eyed child because they all know that they do not share eye color.

 

I have different children who are easier than others in different ways, but no favorite. Rght now, I'm feeling a strain in my relationship with my oldest son (ASD) because life has me too busy to focus on everything that I have to do to maintain closeness with my boy who doesn't make eye contact or engage in much back and forth conversation, but as we emerge from this crazy period, I know I'll be able to repair our connection because we've always had a good one.

 

My mother didn't have favorites. My father didn't like girls and, of my brothers, preferred his oldest son.

 

OP, I appreciate the option of 42, though I didn't choose it. ;-)

[barnwife]

I'd say my parents definitely had/have favorites.

The eldest was an overachiever in everything. The middle child pretty easily followed in that path. By the time I came along it was expected and no one seemed to celebrate/care when I did things well.

Furthermore, the middle child treated me horribly. Frankly, she was verbally abusive. And yet I have never (not once!) felt that my parents had/have my back. I still resent this and it clearly plays a role in my feeling less favored.

However, were I to ask my parents, they would deny it all.

I, like many pp, get along better or worse with each child depending on the circumstances/day/hour. We all have good days and bad days. We have strengths and weaknesses. Sometimes these things mesh; sometimes they don't. 

DH and I do try to make sure we treat them equally (or at least, as equally as we can.) 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I don't like either of my kids really.

 

 

 

 

:lol:   I just wanted to be different.  I honestly don't have a favorite. 

[Farrar]

It changes for me. There are definitely months (even maybe whole years) when it's been one or the other, but then I find it will switch, which is funny. Dh agrees that this is sort of the case for him too. But since my kids are twins, I find they do this whole yin-yang thing constantly - where they trade off being the "difficult" one and the "helpful" one. So I'm sure that's playing into that feeling as well.

[Farrar]

Ooh, reading responses, I didn't even think about my parents and dh's parents. Dh's parents, IMHO, didn't have a favorite, though if you ask dh it's his sister. It's true that she got and continues to get WAY more of their time and attention. But they clearly respect dh more, I think. For my parents, it was totally me, which I always hated for my brother once I realized it... But I also get it. He was a more difficult kid growing up. And they were at their worst when he was at his neediest - they were divorced, my mother was in school and working, it was just a hard time for all of us.