Time for some serious honesty

[MomOfABunch]

It's a running joke at my house that which ever kid is cleaning is my favorite kid. In all seriousness, there are times where I may *like* (as in enjoy their company) one kid more than another given a certain situation or day or whatever, typically based on their behavior. But they are all my babies and I love them all equally. Clear as mud?

[Guest]

I think people often perceive favoritism when it really isn't there. I get so frustrated with my dh's and my siblings about this. If my parents (or ILs) do something nice for one sibling they get all upset and accuse them of favoritism. It drives me crazy. Sometimes certain children need something that the other children don't need.

 

Once my ILs bought one of their kids groceries because they were going through a rough patch and another sibling accused them of playing favorites. I had a baby when Dh was deployed and my mom helped me quite a bit (had the other kids spend the night) and one of my siblings got mad about that. I have had enough of these kind of experiences that I am very wary whenever someone starts complaining about favorites.

 

Having said that, I do think it is very hard to treat different people equally so it is easy to perceive favoritism. When my most difficult child was four, he took so much of my time and attention. I kind of resented it because it gave me so much less time for my other 3 kids. It is possible my other kids perceived him as my favorite even though at the time he most assuredly wasn't. (I still loved him but I would have preferred spending more time with the kids who didn't strip naked every time they had to go somewhere they didn't want to go).

 

My kids are all my favorites in different ways. One is so funny. One is so snuggly. One is such a thinker. One is so adventurous. It is true I have a favorite joke teller-but he isn't my favorite. I have one that is my favorite to play strategy games with-but he isn't my favorite. I have one who is my favorite to hike with, etc.

There's something with this that I wonder about, though. I wonder about financial assistance to one grown sibling who needs it where the other adult child doesn't need it, but this is because the non-needy child has had much greater financial success.

 

I know a family with two grown DDs. The one DD and her husband are very wealthy and have a magnificent house in a coveted district. The other DD has had limited financial success and was living in a (let's be frank) dumpy apartment in an undesirable location. The very wealthy parents of these two women built the poorer DD a house. *Gave* her a beautiful, nice, lovely home on a lot in the nice area near the other daughter. This probably represents a gift in the ballpark of $600-750K.

 

The other DD has told me she is not jealous or mad about it in any way; she already lives in her dream home and does not need the help. And she is happy her nephews and sister will be living in a safer area with better school. BUT, I do not think I would do this, no matter how wealthy I am when my kids are all grown. It looks so obviously inequitable to ALL outsiders. It also seems as though the accomplishments of the one DD are being almost punished, while the other DD's lack of stupendous success is being "rewarded" in a sense.

 

I think if I was dizzyingly wealthy and could afford to give an entire house to one DD, I would still not do exactly this. I would give equally valuable gifts to both kids, even if the one does not need it. I would fully fund the wealthy kid's college funds or something, or would even donate something to a charity if the wealthy DD was insistant that she doesn't need a thing.

[KrissiK]

No, I honestly don't think I do. Although some of my children are more cooperative than others, some are more affectionate than others, some are easier to get along with than others.....

[stephanier.1765]

I tell them all that they are my favorite.

[luuknam]

I do that, too. "You are the best eleven-year-old I have!" Wink, smile. They often return it by saying I'm their favorite mother.

 

This, except I leave out "I have", and they more often reply with "you're my favorite 31yo" or w/e age I happen to be. I've also on occasion said "favorite first-born son" and "favorite second-born son".

 

What's frustrating is when my wife (noticeably) *does* have a favorite, and I feel I have to compensate for it.

Edited July 4, 2016 by luuknam

[FaithManor]

I said yes, in that i have a child that I relate to so easily that it makes our relationship very, very easy. That is SUPER NICE! But, not only do I not show favoritism, I have things I absolutely adore about each of my four children, things that make my heart sing so ultimately even if the relationship is not as easy, it is also not frustrating or hard work or any of the things that can make a parent feel like they might be playing favorites.

 

Now that said, I have - at the moment - a favorite family member, and that little man rates quite high above his other relatives. That's my grandbaby boy Nathaniel who is just 6 months old. Sorry children, but Nathan takes the cake! He's the best. Hands down! You are OUT TO LUNCH KIDS!

 

:D  ;)

[amsunshine]

No, I don't have a favorite.  My dds are very different personalities and they can each drive me bonkers sometimes, but I don't favor one over the other..  I strongly dislike the idea of favorites.  My older dd was my mother's "favorite" out of all her grandchildren, to the point where she put a reference to my older dd on her license plate, and I have a very visceral reaction to the idea of favorites because of that.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

 

 

My preference varies, I think it balances out in the end.

[Caroline]

My parents have helped my younger sister financially. My older sister and I don't resent that at all. She needed it. We don't. It isn't a problem at all. And if outsiders have a problem with it, well then that's their own stupid problem.

 

There's something with this that I wonder about, though. I wonder about financial assistance to one grown sibling who needs it where the other adult child doesn't need it, but this is because the non-needy child has had much greater financial success.

 

I know a family with two grown DDs. The one DD and her husband are very wealthy and have a magnificent house in a coveted district. The other DD has had limited financial success and was living in a (let's be frank) dumpy apartment in an undesirable location. The very wealthy parents of these two women built the poorer DD a house. *Gave* her a beautiful, nice, lovely home on a lot in the nice area near the other daughter. This probably represents a gift in the ballpark of $600-750K.

 

The other DD has told me she is not jealous or mad about it in any way; she already lives in her dream home and does not need the help. And she is happy her nephews and sister will be living in a safer area with better school. BUT, I do not think I would do this, no matter how wealthy I am when my kids are all grown. It looks so obviously inequitable to ALL outsiders. It also seems as though the accomplishments of the one DD are being almost punished, while the other DD's lack of stupendous success is being "rewarded" in a sense.

 

I think if I was dizzyingly wealthy and could afford to give an entire house to one DD, I would still not do exactly this. I would give equally valuable gifts to both kids, even if the one does not need it. I would fully fund the wealthy kid's college funds or something, or would even donate something to a charity if the wealthy DD was insistant that she doesn't need a thing.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

 

 

There was a clear favorite in my family, and my DH was the favorite in his family.

[hornblower]

No, I don't. 

And I can't help thinking of Sophie's Choice when reading this thread.  

Because I don't know what I would have done. 

 

[eternalsummer]

I have favorite ages of kids.  I love toddlers - *love* them.  The chaos and the nonsense and the messes and the energy and the craziness and the speech you can only sometimes understand and the enthusiasm for *everything* and the constant eating and appreciation for all forms of food (and not food) and etc., I love it all.  I like kids a whole lot from about 6 months until about 3 and a half or 4.  Then the relationship is difficult until honestly around 7 or 8, then it's all easy and good again.  I have one preteen and I am afraid the teenage years might also be difficult, but I'm not entirely sure.

 

So I don't have favorite children, exactly, because they're all toddlers and then they're all 7+.  But there are times when it is easier for me to get along with them than other times.

 

[marbel]

There's something with this that I wonder about, though. I wonder about financial assistance to one grown sibling who needs it where the other adult child doesn't need it, but this is because the non-needy child has had much greater financial success.

 

I know a family with two grown DDs. The one DD and her husband are very wealthy and have a magnificent house in a coveted district. The other DD has had limited financial success and was living in a (let's be frank) dumpy apartment in an undesirable location. The very wealthy parents of these two women built the poorer DD a house. *Gave* her a beautiful, nice, lovely home on a lot in the nice area near the other daughter. This probably represents a gift in the ballpark of $600-750K.

 

The other DD has told me she is not jealous or mad about it in any way; she already lives in her dream home and does not need the help. And she is happy her nephews and sister will be living in a safer area with better school. BUT, I do not think I would do this, no matter how wealthy I am when my kids are all grown. It looks so obviously inequitable to ALL outsiders. It also seems as though the accomplishments of the one DD are being almost punished, while the other DD's lack of stupendous success is being "rewarded" in a sense.

 

I think if I was dizzyingly wealthy and could afford to give an entire house to one DD, I would still not do exactly this. I would give equally valuable gifts to both kids, even if the one does not need it. I would fully fund the wealthy kid's college funds or something, or would even donate something to a charity if the wealthy DD was insistant that she doesn't need a thing.

 

One of my siblings got a lot more parental financial help than the others of us and was favored when it came time to settle their estate.  It was needed at the time.  No resentment there, not then and not now.

 

Over the years, though, things have changed.  The sibling that got the extra help is very well off financially.  The others, not so much.   So, I'll admit that it can be a little difficult at certain moments* to shut down the voice that says "if mom hadn't given X so much...   It is easy to shut the voice down, but it does happen occasionally.  I will try to be very careful about this with my kids.   

 

*Such as, when X suggests, say, taking a trip together, and the others of us can't afford it. 

 

 

 

Edited July 4, 2016 by marbel

[DawnM]

I have favorite ages of kids.  I love toddlers - *love* them.  The chaos and the nonsense and the messes and the energy and the craziness and the speech you can only sometimes understand and the enthusiasm for *everything* and the constant eating and appreciation for all forms of food (and not food) and etc., I love it all.  I like kids a whole lot from about 6 months until about 3 and a half or 4.  Then the relationship is difficult until honestly around 7 or 8, then it's all easy and good again.  I have one preteen and I am afraid the teenage years might also be difficult, but I'm not entirely sure.

 

So I don't have favorite children, exactly, because they're all toddlers and then they're all 7+.  But there are times when it is easier for me to get along with them than other times.

 

 

Oh wow, I hated the baby and toddler years.  Once they could all strap themselves in the car and wipe their own butts, I was a happy camper.

Edited July 4, 2016 by DawnM

[creekland]

My middle son is the most difficult for me as he has a very different personality from me and sometimes I just have a hard time getting why he's upset or struggling with something. On a few occasions he has said things that show that he compares himself unfavorably with his brother. However, he's very much like my husband and he knows it. Sometimes, when he and I are struggling over some issue I'll remind him that he reminds me of his father so much and remind him of how much I love his Dad.  

 

Youngest had a really hard time perceiving himself in a good light since he was in the shadow of his really gifted/talented brother.  He's not all all as "dumb" or "unable" as he thought he was, but that's how he saw it.  It made for some rough teen years.

 

Now he's doing well and sees things as they are (and tells us such).  It's really helped that he's been able to discover his own niche where there's no perceived comparison between the two.

 

Personality wise, youngest is most like me.  Middle is most like hubby.

 

I know a family with two grown DDs. The one DD and her husband are very wealthy and have a magnificent house in a coveted district. The other DD has had limited financial success and was living in a (let's be frank) dumpy apartment in an undesirable location. The very wealthy parents of these two women built the poorer DD a house. *Gave* her a beautiful, nice, lovely home on a lot in the nice area near the other daughter. This probably represents a gift in the ballpark of $600-750K.

 

The other DD has told me she is not jealous or mad about it in any way; she already lives in her dream home and does not need the help. And she is happy her nephews and sister will be living in a safer area with better school. BUT, I do not think I would do this, no matter how wealthy I am when my kids are all grown. It looks so obviously inequitable to ALL outsiders.

 

This is something that might come up in our family, so we've discussed it with our boys.  Middle son is headed toward a decent self-supporting job.  Oldest already has one.  Youngest is contemplating a job that wouldn't pay anywhere near the same amount.  ALL would have respectable jobs.  Because we're the type that doesn't really think a hard working person should be struggling, we expect to help him out more if this happens.  We want him to have the freedom to pursue that type of job (teen ministry) if it's what he feels called to do.  It's ok with us if he's not a doctor or business manager.  Our other two kids fully support our thoughts.  We're a family unit wanting the best for all of us.  I don't give a hoot what outsiders would think about it.

 

It'd be totally different if he didn't have a job and mainly mooched or simply went for a lower paying job because it was "easy" or whatever.  That's not the case.  He's good at what he's thinking about doing.  We ought to have good adults in those jobs if that's where they want to be.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I see parenting as coming along side my children to mentor and teach them.  So I've worked very hard to see things from their point of view.  I think that has helped me to have better empathy for my kids even during their challenging times.  So unless someone is just being a butt (not just being challenging because they can't help it), I get along well with them.  And we all have times when we are being a butt. Those are the times when I simultaneously tell them to knock it off and give them some space (or whatever it is that they need). 

 

PS - I think that doing this consciously has helped me to not have favorites because not only do I love them both as my children, but I have a connection there with both of them. 

Edited July 4, 2016 by Jean in Newcastle

[Seasider]

I think Anne described it perfectly for me - I am devoted to each the same, but that's easier with some kids at some times depending on the moment. For one that is in a challenging phase, my dh is really good about reminding me to be sure I balance my reactions and to also initiate non-confrontational interactions to make sure said kid knows I'm not loving them less.

 

I will say that the young adult years are more challenging in this way than I expected. There's a certain amount of standing back that we have chosen to do to facilitate each child's step into independent adulthood. This has been especially hard since we live in a culture and community that indulges college aged children with new cars, new clothes, parents paying entirely for all collegiate expenses and additional recreational spending money...our kids have felt that difference when they have to count their pennies and make budget based decisions. Sometimes it translates to an emotional level in our relationship. (Rest assured they have all they truly need and would never be left to starve or lack medical care!) our oldest has come out on the other side, now has a terrific career focused job and has clearly told us that our "method" was very helpful towards his ability to support himself. But we have another right now who is struggling through the phase. I have to be intentional that this kid knows love and approval abound, but the purse strings need to shift to her industriousness and control.

 

When I sense they may be thinking I'm playing favorites, I address it in conversation. "I know it may seem like X, but let me explain..."

 

My in laws really go overboard to act in ways that demonstrate they do not have favorites. But at times their overcompensation is telling. Not sure how to feel about that, I know they are doing their best.

 

My own mom just flat out told me which grandkids is her favorite. I just smile and nod and chalk it up to her fascination with outward appearances. Sadly she has never had a true relationship with my children (or any of her other grandkids), but at least they've not fallen victim to favoritism.

Edited July 4, 2016 by Seasider

[Kalmia]

Ah. I was lucky. I had a best boy and a best girl.  :001_wub:

 

Hugs.

[Jean in Newcastle]

My mother works very hard to keep everything equitable among my siblings and me when it comes to gifts etc. Sometimes I think she's tried too hard because she stresses over the minutia of doing this.  But I do have a sister who keeps track and would be all bent out of shape if she didn't, so it is all good.  Personally I don't keep track and think that it is all a bit silly.

 

As far as personalities go, my parents have understood some of us better just due to personality.  I think that I'm the only one who really understood my dad and so we had a close relationship that the others didn't have with him.  I don't know that I would say that I was his favorite, though, because he didn't bestow anything on me because of our close relationship. 

[mellifera33]

It's a running joke at my house that which ever kid is cleaning is my favorite kid.

 

Yep, this. I often tell my kids "You're my favorite 8 y/o." Or "You're my favorite daughter." (2 boys, 1 girl.) Sometimes i joke with my dh that whoever isn't three is my favorite. Our current 3 y/o has changed my perception of 3, though. I'm not sure if she's actually less of a pill, or if by the third 3 y/o I've just relaxed a bit and have fewer buttons left to be pushed?

[Junie]

We tell each of our boys that they are "our favorite insert kid's name."  We're completely honest about it too!

 

This is what I do with my girls.  I do have a favorite son. ;)

[Guest]

Ooh, reading responses, I didn't even think about my parents and dh's parents. Dh's parents, IMHO, didn't have a favorite, though if you ask dh it's his sister. It's true that she got and continues to get WAY more of their time and attention. But they clearly respect dh more, I think. For my parents, it was totally me, which I always hated for my brother once I realized it... But I also get it. He was a more difficult kid growing up. And they were at their worst when he was at his neediest - they were divorced, my mother was in school and working, it was just a hard time for all of us.

In my family it is my brother who gets the time and help and attention, but his life is kind of a mess on multiple levels. He needs the parental involvement in his adult life more and I don't, so they don't expend the energy on me and my family. In some ways from the outside he probably looks like the favorite, but it's really not that way. I'll never forget the day by dad said he was so grateful that I had it all together and he never had to worry about me. Because that's what's happened - they worry about my brother and his kids constantly.

 

I think some kids (and adults) just need more energy put into them and more attention and love, for their various individual reasons. As a kid I'd say that looks like a favorite child but as an adult I can see the truth of it.

[Seasider]

As far as personalities go, my parents have understood some of us better just due to personality. I think that I'm the only one who really understood my dad and so we had a close relationship that the others didn't have with him. I don't know that I would say that I was his favorite, though, because he didn't bestow anything on me because of our close relationship.

Great observation! I see that in our family dynamics, too.

[fairfarmhand]

I have favorite kids for different things.

 

One child is my favorite to work with because she is more cheerful about such things.

 

One child is my favorite to joke around with and be creative and silly with.

 

One child is my favorite to cook with.

 

One child is my favorite to watch as they play imaginatively.

 

Sometimes as a kid it is easy to see the connection between parents with compatible personalities and think "favoritism" and with some relationships it is that. But often it's just that a certain personality style meshes better with that parent's.

 

One day, I whispered secretly to each of my kids that they were my favorite. Don't tell the others.

 

But after a day or two they compared notes and all went "HEY!"

[Desert Strawberry]

I have one kid who I connect with more, because we have similar personalities. He is also the most difficult and the most work and sometimes the most baffling. 

D also has one kid who is his clone. They have all the same interests, the same quirks, even the same handwriting. All of the kids are welcome to share in whatever he is doing, but only one consistently takes him up on it. He makes time for all of the kids, and spends time doing something special with each one, but I do think it's easier with one.

I don't love one kid more. I don't think you can really measure love. I would like to think I don't favor one over the others. Except Luna, because she is a baby. She is everyone's favorite. 

My kids are far enough apart that I have treated them differently. Sagg was an only child, with Aries, I was a working mom. Gem got all of my attention, Taurus had to share, because gem was so needy. Luna is ridiculously spoiled by all of us. Different relationships.

[AK_Mom4]

I never had a favorite child.

 

However, they all became my favorites once they hit about 14 and turned into real human beings.  Sorry, I'm not a baby-lover particularly (mine were OK) and find children annoying on a long-term basis, but I have so much enjoyed my teens and young adults!

[myfunnybunch]

My "favorite" seems to rotate pretty evenly from kid to kid. I don't really think of it as having a favorite, though. It's more about how we're relating, and what's going on with them: I might worry more about one and spend more time and energy shoring him up, or thoroughly enjoy a particular activity or interest with another, or be relieved that the preteen is still easier than his teen brothers. Right now, I'm enjoying them all. They're pretty cool guys.

 

My parents both favored my tiny cute adorable sister. So I was trying to decide if I have a true favorite. But I couldn't pick...I appreciate different things about each kid.

[Farrar]

In my family it is my brother who gets the time and help and attention, but his life is kind of a mess on multiple levels. He needs the parental involvement in his adult life more and I don't, so they don't expend the energy on me and my family. In some ways from the outside he probably looks like the favorite, but it's really not that way. I'll never forget the day by dad said he was so grateful that I had it all together and he never had to worry about me. Because that's what's happened - they worry about my brother and his kids constantly.

 

I think some kids (and adults) just need more energy put into them and more attention and love, for their various individual reasons. As a kid I'd say that looks like a favorite child but as an adult I can see the truth of it.

 

Yeah. I wouldn't say sil's life is a mess by any means - it was for a little while when her dh left her, but she's strong and pretty together and has since remarried and had another kid and is on very solid footing. But she has just always taken more time from her parents - wanted more, expected more, and they've given more. Dh has always wanted more independence, more leeway, more space, and they've responded to that. Which, you could argue makes them good parents to know their kids' needs.

 

I like the way Fairfarmhand put it above about how different kids can be favorites for different things.

 

I don't think "favorite" has to be a dirty word. As long as everyone's getting what they need, it's okay for a parent to have a kid that they relate to the most or who they spend more time with or whatever. It's only when it fosters resentment (and thus, someone isn't getting what they need) that it becomes an issue IMHO.

[Corraleno]

I love them equally, and try not to show any favoritism, but I am probably closer to one because we are more alike, although that one is also the most difficult, intense, and exhausting of the two. The other child has always been, quite blatantly, Daddy's favorite. My Ex has never made any attempt to disguise this and has always showered one child with presents and attention, while ignoring or criticizing the other. Makes me furious.

 

In my own family, my younger sister was the clear, explicit favorite — the Golden Child of an NPD mother. Unfortunately for me, I was the scapegoat. My brothers were mostly ignored, so in many ways they got the best deal.

[Mimm]

Eh. My favorite is the toddler. It's a little hard not to "play favorites." If the 15 year old is fighting with the 2 year old, and they're both being unreasonable, well, yeah, I side with the two year old. I have higher expectations of the 15 year old.

 

Between my two teens, I am closer to the 13 year old. But I try very hard not to play favorites and I articulate often that I love them the same. This involves intentionally giving more attention and time to the 15 year old so she doesn't feel unloved. She has higher needs and she realizes how much better I get along with her sister. My toddler is adorable and sweet and a bit spoiled. I don't treat her any different than I treated the first two when they were little (except that I'm a more patient mature mom, and she's a much less stressful toddler than the first two were.) They don't remember, obviously, all they see is me doting on my littlest one, but they adore her as well and I don't think this causes any resentment. But you never can tell I suppose.

 

My MIL has a favorite between her two sons but she very carefully treats them the same and I know she loves my husband as much as my BIL. She just gets along with BIL better and he was easier to raise. My husband is like his father, and my BIL is very much like MIL. FIL, I believe, has no favorites.

 

My family is a lot more messed up. I have five brothers and the oldest two were my dad's favorites, followed by the next two, and the youngest isn't speaking to my father if that tells you anything. Not sure where we girls rated on the scale. My mother's favorites were me, youngest sister and middle brother.

 

I joke about favorites with my kids. One kids does something for me and I tell her she's my favorite for the next few hours, things like that. I tell one child, "You are my third favorite child." Other child laughs triumphantly. Then I say, "The dogs are my first and second." I'm probably causing some people to clutch at their pearls but seriously, we're just joking. :)

[Greta]

I only have the one, so yeah, she's my favorite.   :001_smile:  But in observing parents of multiple children, I would say the vast majority either don't have a favorite or don't show it. I mean, sure, parents will interact differently with children of different personalities.  That's perfect natural.  But as far as getting a sense that there is more love or concern or care with one child compared to the others?  No, I've only seen that once.  And I have to admit, it was absolutely painful to watch.  

 

I was a Girl Scout troop leader for a few years, and one of the moms very clearly favored her sons over her daughter, who was in my troop.  That poor girl could do nothing right, while her brothers could do no wrong.  She wasn't allowed to have anything that was truly hers, whether it was her toys or books, or time to do things on her own.  The mom insisted on the little brothers joining in on every single GS event that the girl participated in, even overnight events, even when we told her it was scouts only, no siblings allowed, she would bring her sons anyway.  But the same wasn't true in reverse:  the girl did not co-own the boys possessions, and she wasn't allowed to go to Boy Scouts events with them.  And you could just see it on the mom's face and hear it in her voice when she talked to her daughter versus her sons:  the daughter got constant disapproval and disgust, the sons got smiles and joy and encouragement.  It was awful.  And, just to be clear, it wasn't that the mom was frustrated with a difficult daughter.  The daughter was super sweet and gentle and creative, a really neat kid, and one of the "easier" and more pleasant kids in the troop to deal with.  She didn't deserve the way she was treated.  It broke my heart.   :(

 

 

ETA:  And I want to say that the kind of favoritism that I was complaining about above is to me in an entirely different category than some of the other things people are talking about (treating kids of different personalities differently, responding to kids with different needs differently, having different expectations for the behavior of older kids versus their younger sibs, etc.)  I find all of those things quite understandable, and in fact to not do that would seem strange.  So I just wanted to say, I promise am not judging anyone in this thread!!!

Edited July 4, 2016 by Greta

[AimeeM]

I have a favorite child - and they have all been my favorite at different times.

 

At 2 am, when I can't sleep and I'm lonely, DD14 is my favorite "let's turn on Alexa and dance to your old people music" kid. She's my favorite daughter and teenager, as I tell her frequently.

 

In the middle of the night, DS7 is my favorite "Mommy, will you hold me tight?" kid. He's my favorite sensitive soul, and I tell him that often.

 

When I'm feeling down and need a smile, The Marvelous Flying Marco seems to intuit that - and he is my favorite "Ma, hugga me?" kid. He's my favorite liver-of-life-to-its-fullest, and he doesn't give a hoot if I tell him or not :)

 

 

Sometimes none of them are my favorite, lol.

Edited July 4, 2016 by AimeeM

[ktgrok]

In my family it is my brother who gets the time and help and attention, but his life is kind of a mess on multiple levels. He needs the parental involvement in his adult life more and I don't, so they don't expend the energy on me and my family. In some ways from the outside he probably looks like the favorite, but it's really not that way. I'll never forget the day by dad said he was so grateful that I had it all together and he never had to worry about me. Because that's what's happened - they worry about my brother and his kids constantly.

 

I think some kids (and adults) just need more energy put into them and more attention and love, for their various individual reasons. As a kid I'd say that looks like a favorite child but as an adult I can see the truth of it.

 

Yeah, same here. My mom and dad babysit for my sister ALL THE TIME, my mom does my sister's laundry, cleans her house, etc. I suppose one could see that as her being the favorite, but I don't need that help. My sister does, or at least my mom thinks she does. I'm much more self sufficient. 

 

On the other hand, there was a time, when i was first divorced, that they let me move in with my 5 year old son and 3 month old pit bull. No questions asked. So I know very well that if you need help, you get help. It's not about favorites. 

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Different circumstances mean that I prefer certain children over others. But other circumstances mean I don't prefer those that were preferred in original times.

 

Some are easier to be around, but that doesn't mean that I prefer them less. It just means I have to work harder for the relationship. And because I do, I value that relationship because I've worked for it. And yet, I value the relationships I don't have to work for because I didn't have to put in the work so I can enjoy it more.

 

I agree. One of my kids is much easier for me to be around and get along with simply because our personalities mesh well, but I don't consider her a favorite in any way. My other kid is harder for me to be around, but she delights and inspires me in so many ways that her sister doesn't. So I can truthfully say I don't have a favorite. 

 

Now, I know that my youngest would probably say that my oldest is my favorite because youngest and I clash a lot more. She actually asked me the other day about why I "bust" her more than I do my oldest, and I told her it's because she does more "bustable" stuff (e.g., sneaking off with a device to avoid a time limit, doing something I specifically told her not to do, etc.)!

[PeacefulChaos]

I don't have a favorite.

I do like some others - I have a 'favorite oldest son', 'favorite youngest son', and 'favorite daughter', on occasion. 😊

One has been noticeably more strong willed and has therefore taken more attention to parent, while one has (up to this point, anyway) been very laid back and not taken that attention. The thing I've had to be sure of is that the laid back one doesn't just get ignored or forgotten. He never has been.

The youngest has a whole host of things that I try to keep in check with her being 1. The youngest and 2. The only girl. :lol: She turned to me one night and was like 'Am I your favorite?' And I could just tell she believed my answer would be yes... I was like 'My favorite what?' She said, 'Kid.' I was like, 'Nope, there's no such thing. But you are my favorite daughter.' :lol:

 

In our FOO, I am often viewed as a favorite but the circumstances are unusual - Grandparents raising their grandkid after all their kids had moved out and away. I don't think I am the favorite though. I honestly don't think there is one.

My MIL and FIL I don't think have favorites. I've never seen anything to suggest so or heard anything to say it was ever the case. The older brothers tease that my youngest BIL had life the easiest, of course, and that may be. MIL has spoken before of how easy DH was as a baby and kid. But overall there's never been a sense of inequality or favoritism.

I do think they have favorite grandkids though. :D None of them are mine, and it doesn't bother me. There is one grandson that is particularly attached to them (not that they all aren't, they're really good grandparents!) - he spends a lot of time over there, etc, and I think he's a favorite. I think it's good, though, because he's one in the middle of several kids and it probably is nice for him to get that extra attention. NOT saying his parents are leaving him out at ALL!

The other one is one of the youngest granddaughters, and she was born when her parents were living with my ILs while they closed on a house. So FIL used to rock her and hold her while her mom/my SIL was making dinner, etc. So she just kind of has that special spot lol - and she ADORES my FIL, too.

And I'm not gonna lie, I've had favorites out of the nieces and nephews, too. One is now 14 and when he was little I took care of him a fair bit, and up until he was about 7 (this was well after I was taking care of him often) he would search me out on a cookout day when he was tired, to rest next to me, etc. Even now he comes around more.

The other is one niece. I adore all of her siblings, too, but this girl... She's the youngest (of all the kids, not just her siblings) and she knows it. :lol: Last night my SIL was like 'oh, yeah, she's definitely spoiled, but not by me!' I was like 'Nope, it's me! And DH! We own up to it!' (And Astro, too, actually - he adores her and its mutual - as of last night she had claimed him as 'her man'. He's 10, she's almost 2. :lol: )

[frogger]

You know inequity doesn't bother me at all. Love doesn't work like that. Corb Lund had a great line in a song, "Sometimes life isn't equal, sometimes equal isn't fair." We are a family and we work together. Heck, sometimes all the kids are pitching in to help each other.

 

I have a little brother 32 whom received a home from my parents. They help him a lot. They built the house on their own property. They provide money for his vacations and go with him. Should I be totally jealous? I think not.

 

 

My little brother has Down Syndrome. To treat us exacatly equal just wouldn't be right and it wouldn't benefit the whole family. Everyone works to the best of their own ability and loves and helps each other it works better.

[EmseB]

I don't have a favorite. But I don't work to make things fair either, and I don't plan to try. With four kids of differing needs and personalities there's no way things could ever be equal.

[StaceyinLA]

I picked the last one, mainly because I have "favorites" for different reasons.

 

One I've always had a soft spot for since she was little because my first husband (my kids' father) and his parents favored the first child so much. She was the second, and I just felt protective toward her because they showed favoritism so much. She was also born at a time when I was able to focus a lot on her and the oldest (started keeping other kids later and my life just got so much busier I didn't get to really enjoy time with my babies as much), and she was my first VBAC and all natural birth, so I think I just bonded to her a little differently. As an adult she has been a fantastic mom, and we have a lot in common when it comes to birth, breastfeeding, etc., so we have that going as well.

 

The oldest is, well, the oldest. She was a wonderful baby/toddler and I enjoyed her so much. As an adult, we have the most in common, so I enjoy time spent with her in a different way than the others. We have the birth/breastfeeding stuff in common, but we are also similar in our diets and how we think about food, as well as other things. We spend a good bit of time together.

 

The third daughter is probably the daughter I have the least in common with. As a child she nursed the longest and was pretty needy overall, but I enjoyed her very much, and focused on her a lot since my older two spent plenty of their time playing together. She has always enjoyed being the center of attention, and, to this day at 23yo, reminds me often that I don't do anything for her like I do for the ones with the kids (which, of course, is very untrue). She's a super hard worker and for sure the most motivated of all my girls. I admire that so much about her. I just don't know that we will ever have the "friend" relationship I have with my other 2 girls. I do hope that will change when she has kids and maybe views me a little differently, but who knows.

 

My son is my baby. He was born shortly after his dad moved out, and 4 weeks before my dad died. He is probably the reason I stayed sane that year; just having that new little life to protect and care for. He was such a joy to have around as a small child, and he has grown to be a wonderful young man (21 in 2 days). He definitely makes me laugh and I enjoy his company, but I don't spend as much time with him as with the girls. He's a guy, and he's trying to make a life for himself so one day he can make a life for a family. I'm proud of that.

 

I think I have moments where each one has been a "favorite," depending on what has gone on that has pushed us closer at a given time. All in all I am very thankful that God has blessed me with such awesome children.

 

I know this was WAY more info than anyone asked for. ;-p

Edited July 4, 2016 by StaceyinLA

[dancingmama]

My in-laws definitely had a favorite, my husband, but he never saw it. They were extremely difficult parents and had high expectations of their youngest son but we're so very proud. He just felt constant criticism. But as an outsider, I could see the pains they took for him. They would never admit it though.

 

My parents also have favorites. My father will admit it but it's so glaringly obvious. My mother would not but we all know. Also, they have favorite grandchildren and same dynamics. My father will tell you but my mother would never although she definitely can tell you who aren't her favorites.

 

 

I have a favorite son and a favorite daughter. But I only have one of each. I am also in the camp that some days/times one child is more a "favorite". I get along with them differently and they both have their own quirks. My husband prefers one over the other right now but I think that may be more testosterone then anything. The teen years are hard.

[Guest]

One side of my family definitely does favor their youngest daughter so much. And it has come down in the grandkids. We all noticed, but what can you do? These things are somewhat self reinforcing. The youngest daughter and her kids spent more time with the grandparents because they were more liked and comfortable there, and every year the gap free as that relationship strengthened and all the rest of the family bonds remained cordial but distant. It's a cautionary tale for sure.

[bettyandbob]

I don't know how to respond. I have one 2E ds, one ds who has intellectually disabilities, and a mostly neurological dd. 2E ds has cost us the most financially and emotionally and we continue to pour what we can into him hoping he can become an independent adult. Other ds will have to be cared for always. I just spent an hour on the floor of a grocery store trying to calm him from i don't know what. That doesn't happen a lot but it does happen and it's really hard to take when the child is adult sized. And because those two, especially the first one just suck attention I've really worked at setting aside time for dd.

 

I live them all and I am completely drained today.

[Annie G]

My kids all joke that another one is my favorite- it works well because they each pick a different sibling. In reality they are all very different and that means we connect in very different ways.  Son loves to be beside me doing renovation work...the others don't care a bit about it. One loves to watch movies with me. But probably the one I connect with the most is the oldest because she has the same hobbies (quilting) and she's just a younger version of me- a SAHM with four kids. And as the oldest, she's been out on her own for a long time and is stable and settled. The other three still worry me at times.  

 

My parents had favorites that rotated. It was annoying because we all knew who was currently favored. However, since Mom passed away, Dad has ranked us and it remains constant.  I realize just how much Mom was moderating his awful behavior.   Mom and Dad used to try to hide their favoritism but without Mom, Dad makes no such effort. 

[Ewe Mama]

I have a child I "get" more than the others. We enjoy the same humor, react to things similarly, like and dislike similar things. It would be easy for outsiders to think this child was my favorite. This child would have been a dear friend even if we weren't related.

 

My boys always tell me I like the girls better. In a way I do. They are tidier, more helpful, and more willing to pitch in without my "mean mommy voice" or giving them "the look." I have to fight with my boys to get them to do anything around the house. I am so over the drama. I just do not understand my boys at all. Their humor, games, and imaginative play are so foreign to me. I try to understand what they are playing and the characters and plot, but it gets so convoluted that I always feel like asking them questions makes me look dumber in their eyes. "Boyisms" are a foreign language to me.

[Desert Strawberry]

My parents swore they didn't have a favorite, but they definitely, absolutely, obviously did. Denying it didn't make it less obvious.

[Tap]

My older kids are night and day different from one another.

 

They are both well mannered and bright, but their similarities end there.

 

DS has always been an old man in a little persons body.  He is wise, gentle, cautious, patient, thoughtful, and I can count on one hand the few times he got in trouble. The worst offences in 21 years.....going past his boundary line on the road (he was a few hundred feet farther away), and lying that his homework was done when it wasn't. 

 

DD17 has always been one to explore every inch of her boundaries, going right to the edge, but not crossing it.  But her attempts to explore every inch, is exhausting.  She is the one who will ride the highest roller coasters, go on hikes that your have to wade though chest high water to cross a stream, para-sail,etc.  She has a healthy amount of fear, but she is the person who will push past it and love every minute of it.   She is a ton of fun to be around because of it, but exhausting as a parent. 

 

DD9 (my great-niece). Is special needs and is like raising 4 kids.  She requires a ton of effort. but she has a vibrant personality and a very funny sense of humor.  She is one of those people who draws people in and loves to be with others. 

 

It really depends on what I am doing at any given moment. DS and I are more intellectual when we are together. He is an amazing person to have a conversation with.  DD17 loves to shop and just wander around places (like city areas).  She feeds that part of myself that likes to keep in motion.  DD9 always wants to help.  She likes to cook and clean and can do so with the quality of an adult helping out.

Edited July 4, 2016 by Tap

[RootAnn]

My kids will swear up & down that I have a favorite, but which kid they think it is differs from kid to kid. (Eldest would say it is #2. #2 says it is #4. Etc.)

 

Some are more helpful around the house. Some are snugglier. Some are easier to sit down & have a talk with. I might have a favorite-for-a-moment, but usually don't have a favorite.

 

My mom had a favorite that changed depending on who made her look the best when she would brag. Because I turned out better than several of my siblings, I'm currently on the favorite list (right under big sis). I've been on the Least Favorite list many times. Most family members would say that I was Dad's favorite when he was alive, but I think that if ANY of the boys would have spent time with him, they would have been ahead of me by a mile. He so wanted his boys to spend time with him working on things (mowing, fixing stuff, or just sorting coins). Since I was the only kid who did that sort of thing with him, I was the default favorite. (I think I'm the one who still misses him the most, but I can't be sure because my family doesn't talk about things like that. Except, well, me.)

[Guest]

This is something that might come up in our family, so we've discussed it with our boys. Middle son is headed toward a decent self-supporting job. Oldest already has one. Youngest is contemplating a job that wouldn't pay anywhere near the same amount. ALL would have respectable jobs. Because we're the type that doesn't really think a hard working person should be struggling, we expect to help him out more if this happens. We want him to have the freedom to pursue that type of job (teen ministry) if it's what he feels called to do. It's ok with us if he's not a doctor or business manager. Our other two kids fully support our thoughts. We're a family unit wanting the best for all of us. I don't give a hoot what outsiders would think about it.

 

It'd be totally different if he didn't have a job and mainly mooched or simply went for a lower paying job because it was "easy" or whatever. That's not the case. He's good at what he's thinking about doing. We ought to have good adults in those jobs if that's where they want to be.

But here's what bothers me about this, at least with the family I was mentioning above: the extravagant assitance to the one daughter seems to me like a showing of lack of confidence in the adult child's abilities. It's sort of patronizing; i.e., "There, there, Jane. We know your husband can't seem to get his act together and earn a substantial income and you're certainly not killin' it, what with taking care of the kids. We'll just buy a house for you! We have the money and why wait until we die?"

 

It also gives the parents a kind of power over their fully adult daughter that personally, I would not want. A nice house would not be worth feeling beholden to my parents forevermore, not would it do my confidence a scrap of good.

 

Additionally, it feels like the parents don't want the less-affluent daughter tarnishing their own success in life. It's fixing up the outside appearance and this is a nicer reflection for the folks.

[RootAnn]

It also gives the parents a kind of power over their fully adult daughter that personally, I would not want. A nice house would not be worth feeling beholden to my parents forevermore, not would it do my confidence a scrap of good.

 

This is one reason why I'm glad my family doesn't offer to help. I was hoping to have help with child care occasionally when we moved within an hour and a half of my family. I can count on two hands the number of times my family has watched the kids (including one doctor's appointment that turned into an emergency surgery & surprise overnight stay) in over 10 years. On the other hand, my mom & sister used to help out daily at my SIL's house. They felt like they could tell her how to keep house and rule the roost because they each babysat one day per week and my sister got the older kids ready for school everyday. No, thank you! 

 

I do think that some kids have a different take on your 'lack of confidence' point. I know people who think if their parents (or siblings) are well off, those well-off should share the wealth with the rest of the less well-off family. "You won't even notice the cash missing from your checking account so that I can have a new car" type of entitlements. Or, "Just because you were LUCKY enough to have picked a college major that gives you a shoe-in for a good paying job doesn't mean the rest of us don't work hard! You don't NEED the money, so why do you care if Mom gives us money for rent every month?" 

[Greta]

You know inequity doesn't bother me at all. Love doesn't work like that. Corb Lund had a great line in a song, "Sometimes life isn't equal, sometimes equal isn't fair." We are a family and we work together. Heck, sometimes all the kids are pitching in to help each other.

 

I have a little brother 32 whom received a home from my parents. They help him a lot. They built the house on their own property. They provide money for his vacations and go with him. Should I be totally jealous? I think not.

 

 

My little brother has Down Syndrome. To treat us exacatly equal just wouldn't be right and it wouldn't benefit the whole family. Everyone works to the best of their own ability and loves and helps each other it works better.

 

 

I don't have a favorite. But I don't work to make things fair either, and I don't plan to try. With four kids of differing needs and personalities there's no way things could ever be equal.

 

 

Yes!  My parents are very sweet, and they go out of their way to treat all three of us (me and my two brothers) equally.  I appreciate it, but I kind of wish they would stop!  :lol:  They do things for my brothers that my brothers genuinely need, and that is great.  I celebrate that.  Then they feel like they have to do the same for me, even though we all know that I don't need it.  I accept graciously, because that seems the right thing to do.  But I kind of wish they just wouldn't, because I feel like I'm getting more (since it's something I don't need) even though what they are giving is the same.   

 

The funny part is, they didn't treat us equally growing up, and they've since apologized for always being so much harder on me than they were on my brothers.  Which is fine, all is forgiven.  But now I guess they are going out of their way to make sure they are fair, and I wish they wouldn't.  So I guess the problem here is me - I'm just never happy!  :lol:

[abcmommy]

I tell my kids all the time that they are my favorite.  But I tell them all that frequently and usually it is which ever kid is helping me do a chore I would prefer to avoid.  LOL