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Do you have one or more current friends about whom you would say this:


Ginevra
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"We have laughed until we could not breathe..." And\or

"Friend knows me extremely well and was with me through --------(giant turmoil/tragedy)."

 

Friendship was the theme of pastor's sermon and I was thinking about this. I used to have friends where we had laughed so hard we could not breathe, and my childhood best friend and I were so sympatico, we literally finished each others sentences. We were in perfect harmony. But I don't really have that anymore, except for DH. I sort of wish I still had a friend like that, but I'm not sure that can even be created at this point in my life, in part because I don't have that kind of time to commit to non-family people.

 

Do you have current friends like this? And are they "go waaaay back" friends, or have you managed to cultivate this well into adulthood?

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Yes, I have had 3 friends like this in my life.

 

All three were cultivated in my young adult life.

All three have changed...one moved so far away so many years ago that we just can't maintain the relationship anymore.

One is going through an unimaginably hard time in her life (it's been 3 years now), and so our interactions are mainly about her surviving this dark period. Those "lighter" days are gone now.

The other one is making choices I can't support and she has dropped out of my life as a result.

 

How depressing.  :(

 

So yes, I have had those friendships. They helped me survive my young adult years, being a newlywed, starting a family. But now as middle-age has crept up they've changed and just aren't there anymore. I think it's exceedingly hard and unlikely for me to develop that type of friendship again as an older woman.

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We did. When our kids were doing theater we found a group of 3 other couples that we totally bonded with and we were just like that- laughing until we couldn't breathe, crying on each other's shoulders when things went poorly. Then our kids had the audacity to grow up and go off to college. Yeah, we hung out for a couple of years but as the time passed we got together less often. And last year we got together twice. Once for a funeral for a friend and the other for the funeral for the mom of one of our little group.  Sure,we talk on Facebook and text occasionally but we've gotten busy and grown apart. I miss it. 

 

I have other friends but none that I'm as close to as I used to be with this group...and it was super special because it was couples. THAT is a rare find. 

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Yes, I have had 3 friends like this in my life.

 

All three were cultivated in my young adult life.

All three have changed...one moved so far away so many years ago that we just can't maintain the relationship anymore.

One is going through an unimaginably hard time in her life (it's been 3 years now), and so our interactions are mainly about her surviving this dark period. Those "lighter" days are gone now.

The other one is making choices I can't support and she has dropped out of my life as a result.

 

How depressing. :(

 

So yes, I have had those friendships. They helped me survive my young adult years, being a newlywed, starting a family. But now as middle-age has crept up they've changed and just aren't there anymore. I think it's exceedingly hard and unlikely for me to develop that type of friendship again as an older woman.

Your post makes me sad. :( I think, what you said there about the second dear friend - I think this is what happened to me when my baby died. It was just so many years before I really felt anything like joy again. I went for a lot of years without really having the capacity to "laugh till I couldn't breathe," and once I was capable of doing so again, (theoretically), I didn't have those friends anymore.

 

I'm thinking, though, my pastor is not that young, and it sounds like he has current friends this dear to him. Is it just different for men, in that there isn't as much interference on male friendships? Or is he just a terrific person, luckily connected with several terrific people? I imagine being a pastor at a great church like ours gives one a large pool of awesome people with whom to develop relationships.

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I am 41. I never had that as a young person and the college friends I enjoyed fell away after college. I have as an adult had a few such friends. One is now from about 15 years back. Life has taken us in different directions but if we had an evening together we would be right back there. Another has been in my life about six years.

 

In the sweetest turn of events we relocated and I met a friend with whom I had this immediately. I guess sometimes you just connect. I never expected it and wouldn't have thought it could happen so fast.

 

I feel very very lucky to have experienced this depth of friendship. It can still happen!

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Not now. DH is my best friend. We genuinely love each other's company and we've been through a lot that have helped us to grow closer together.

 

My best friend throughout high school even married my brother so while we see each other a lot and I love her dearly, our relationship has simmered down through the years. We can't giggle about the boys we like because ew... she'd be talking about my brother. LOL!   But I'm okay with how relationships have changed. I am crazy busy with my children and don't have the time to invest in friend relationships right now.  And that's okay.

 

ETA: On of best friends at the moment is someone I've met IRL once, but we text daily. She's somebody I can confide in and get encouragement from. It's funny to me though that we've only seen each other once!

Edited by DesertBlossom
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Absolutely.

 

If my sister counts, then yes, they go way back, lol. In fact we just laughed like that last month. She lives in town so we see each other frequently.

 

I have friends that I have made in the past 10 years or so that are like that as well.  I've had friends like that at other times in my life, childhood, college, young adulthood, that aren't as close now, but I still love them.

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I have found friends like you mention in all phases of my life, and I am so grateful for them. They have been a special blessing in my life and have sustained me through all of life's ups and downs. I am not in frequent contact with many of my friends from high school/college, but we see each other on FaceBook and when we do connect in person it's like no time has passed. I had a blast at my 20 year high school reunion last summer!

 

I have lived in the same place since I married (15 years ago) and have many close friends that have been through the newlywed and early motherhood stages with me. Our kids are friends, and we've been through a lot together. We moved last year, not far, but go to a new church congregation where I have met another friend or two with whom I have become very close.

 

I consider DH to be my best friend, and we have a good relationship. But I am very grateful for the women (and a few men) in my life who have been such a strong support for me through every phase of life. I really, truly consider them gifts from God.

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Yes, I have exactly one friend like this. We have known each other for 25 years. I have seen her through divorce and the aftermath, she has walked with me through family death, bereavement and has always been there. Just yesterday, she opened her home to us again as we visited the area to attend BIL's memorial service.

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Not currently.  I did have a very good friend.  We met in kindergarten and went through many things together.  She introduced me to my DH.  We shared everything together.  Then I started homeschooling.  She took it personally for some reason.  She is a public school teacher, and a wonderful one from everything I have heard, but she is not a fan of homeschooling at all.  I remember her trying to talk me out of it when we were driving around.  She told me that my kids would be weird.  I still tried to maintain a friendship, but she stopped responding.  It continues to be awkward as her DH is my DH's best friend.  The three of us hang out and have fun, but it is always sad for me.  I miss her, and I hope someday she will realize I didn't totally mess my kids up.  My kids are weird, but not in a bad way.  They are fun and geeky like DH and I, and DH's friend.

 

I have met a few people that I hoped would become good friends, but alas it has not worked out well.  I have noticed that I am starting to back off from people who want to befriend me due to fear of rejection.  I had a mom the other day that wanted to go to a movie with me. I guess I should take her up on it.

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I have a few close friends.  

 

One is weird in that I don't know the little things about her.....favorite foods, favorite style of music, way she likes her coffee, etc.  BUT we talk about some really deep things in her life and mine and share those openly.  We sorta skipped that "light, get to know you" friendship stage.  Other than dh she is one of 2 or 3 people I would go to in times of crisis, to share burdens, etc.  We do get together 3-4 days a week to walk during her lunch hour at work.  We walk and talk and vent and share and laugh and support.  We try to avoid the crying thing over lunch as she is a doctor and has to go back and see patients but occ. the tears slip out anyway.  We have known each other since she was about 4 and me 6 but in a very very casual way.  We then reconnected at an adoption support group that we were both at (after not seeing each other for 17 years). Then we sorta floated around in and out of casual contact until about a year ago when we reconnected and have become much closer.

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Having strong/deep friendships requires effort. It requires getting out of the house, going places, doing things, joining things... moms night out, field trips, play dates, book club, etc. It requires speaking openly and honestly with people, and being interested in their lives and getting to know them better... calling, texting, or messaging them frequently helps too.... in any given day, I've got 4-5 active chats going on on FB messenger, and I just chit chat back and forth throughout the day, if I'm home (no smartphone here...)

 

Many of the women I've met whom lament over not having friends are the type who never show up for MNO, or field trips, or anything.... and if they do, they usually sit quietly and barely participate in the talking... either because they are shy, or scared of being judged, or because they are silently judging everyone, lol....

 

Many of these moms can't show up for stuff b/c of a deployed spouse, or a late working spouse, or, whatever... but the ones who DO show up often have these same issues, they've just made getting out with friends a priority, and they hire a sitter, or trade off with someone, or join the bring-your-kids activities until they can figure out the childcare thing.... they just... find a way... the other group comes up with excuse after excuse after excuse for why they just "can't" get away....

 

That's what I observe anyways, YMMV...

Yeah, it does. I have no problem joining things and if I say I'm going to show up to something, I will follow through unless the house is on fire.

 

The "sharing" part...this is a weak point for me. I know that I am guarded (well, IRL; not here! ;)) and don't like putting my heart out there. I think I am hard to get close to. I don't want to be, but I am.

 

Also calling...yeah. I'm not a call-er. Text - we're golden. But phone calls...not so much. I am sure this is one readon I have more easily grown close to people I see anyway. When people are no longer in my circle, the drifting is almost certain.

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Yes. I made a friend like that last year. And another three years ago. I have no doubt that if we could have stayed geographically close, we would have stayed close and laughing forever.

 

Alas. [sadness] We move a lot.

 

Oh! But actually I recently visited an online friend! And it was this way. I thought it was so funny because even though we had only met in person one other time, she read my "looks" ykwim? So that just an offhand comment and a glance could have us in a fit of laughter. It was great. Ime, online friends really are real friends! It does not stave off lonliness for me -- I do need/want irl ppl-- but it helps.

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I had 5 friends in high school/college that were that way. Sadly, time tore most of us apart. Two of them I could get back with and it would always be the same. 
I had a room mate that was this way and I recently had a group of 3 that had a fantastic bond (though I don't feel I was as deep with them as I was with the other friends). Unfortunately, life has gotten in the way of the 3 friends. But, we still get together every so often and keep up on FB. 

 

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Your post makes me sad. :( I think, what you said there about the second dear friend - I think this is what happened to me when my baby died. It was just so many years before I really felt anything like joy again. I went for a lot of years without really having the capacity to "laugh till I couldn't breathe," and once I was capable of doing so again, (theoretically), I didn't have those friends anymore.

 

I'm thinking, though, my pastor is not that young, and it sounds like he has current friends this dear to him. Is it just different for men, in that there isn't as much interference on male friendships? Or is he just a terrific person, luckily connected with several terrific people? I imagine being a pastor at a great church like ours gives one a large

pool of awesome people with whom to develop relationships.

 

Hugs hugs hugs.

 

As for men, I think no. My huz is a super extrovert and with us moving all over hell's half acre all the time, his friend-aquiring has been as spotty as mine. I am a friendly lady introvert :-)

 

Its just luck sometimes. I mean, don't get me wring! I have met ppl that lamented their lack of friends and I've thought sell yeah duh! You treat ppl like garbage.

 

But luck is bigbigbig.

 

And different places REALLY ARE very different, people-wise. I know so many ppl that thought there was something wrong with them because could not ::click: with anyone...moved and then bam! ... a wonderful circle of friends found their way to each other!

 

All things told, life is soo so much better with a friend or two, than without.

 

Hugs to everyone feeling that particular lonliness ((()))

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I have one friend who is that sort of friend for me. We met 15 or so years ago, pre-kids but post married for both of us. They sat behind us in church one day, we introduced ourselves, and both she and I went out of our introvert comfort zone to connect. Both of us believed early on that God brought us together. I know I was praying for a friend. But we had no idea what life was going to have in store and how much we were going to need each other. We've been through multiple major life traumas and joys together and I'm just so thankful. We've maintained our friendship through multiple moves via frequent, regular calls. I think she's my friend for life. 

 

I think making friends as an adult is hard. We moved here and maintaining some friendships I thought would last has been hard. Making new ones even harder. I do think luck is involved much of the time. But I'm pretty guarded until I know someone well. I'm sure I don't send out friend material vibes to most people, even though I try to be friendly and genuinely enjoy most people. Maybe it's easier for certain kinds of people.

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I am very fortunate to have several friends like this. I have had them in the past, and I have them now. I try hard to cultivate friendships and it pays off.

I think you hit on a key thing, Quill--the willingness to share one's heart. It is at the center of my deep friendships. Takes a lot of trust.

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I can still have moments like that with my college roommate, but we see each other rarely, and it only happens if we're reminiscing or otherwise avoiding serious topics, because some of the choices she's made recently make me sad.

 

I have one friend in town with whom I think I could potentially have that type of friendship, but we're not quite there. Our daughters will start kindergarten in the fall at different schools, which means much less time for playdates, so I hope we don't grow apart even if they do. This did happen with a good friend I made through my son.

 

I have another friend in the "really close laugh till you can't breathe" category, but I've only seen her three times since she and her husband moved away 10 years ago, so she barely counts at this point.

 

I'd love to have a friendship like that that wasn't connected to my kids, but those kind of friendships seem to be hard to find when you're past young adulthood.

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I have 4 friends like this.

1. BFF from childhood, we were college roommates.

 

2. Met her 10 years ago at a MOPS meeting. We only lived in the same town for 6 months but we text daily and I've been known to pee my pants (4 children bladder) often when I read her texts or we talk on the phone.

 

3. She's from a Bible Study 8 years ago. Again, we don't live near each other but we Laugh our heads off every time we are together.

 

4. I met her 5 years ago. Oh this one saved me from a dark dark place I was in a few years ago. She pulled from the pit with her sense of humor.

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Yes, and I feel fortunate.

 

Two are old friends from high school. We don't see one another often, but when we do it's as if no time has passed. If any one of us needed the others, we'd be there in a heartbeat. When we're together we giggle like the school girls we once were.

 

Two are current friends, cultivated in later adulthood.I met one when we started homeschooling 13 years ago and we joined the local hs group at the same time. I met the other a few years later when she pulled her son out of school. We laugh until we cry, and have been with each other through difficult times.

Edited by Lady Florida
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"We have laughed until we could not breathe..." And\or

"Friend knows me extremely well and was with me through --------(giant turmoil/tragedy)."

 

Friendship was the theme of pastor's sermon and I was thinking about this. I used to have friends where we had laughed so hard we could not breathe, and my childhood best friend and I were so sympatico, we literally finished each others sentences. We were in perfect harmony. But I don't really have that anymore, except for DH. I sort of wish I still had a friend like that, but I'm not sure that can even be created at this point in my life, in part because I don't have that kind of time to commit to non-family people.

 

Do you have current friends like this? And are they "go waaaay back" friends, or have you managed to cultivate this well into adulthood?

 

Yes.  

 

I have had many good friends in my adult life, some who have been closer than others, some who were close for a time and then grew apart, etc.

 

Probably the longest close friend I've had is my SIL - she and BIL started dating in 2001, the same year DH and I got married, but we didn't really start becoming friends until we moved here in 2002 (when I was 19 and she was 15 :lol: ).  By the time BIL graduated high school we were pretty close (2003) and by the time she did, even more so (2005).  Then we only got closer over the years.  It's a friendship that I've had unlike any others, where we go through periods of change and difficulty and sometimes we're a bit 'distant', but not in a real 'distant' sense - more like 'distant' = not texting each other daily.  :lol:  She left for college, they got married in 2006 (I hate the term matron of honor btw :lol: ), and since then have had 4 kids, a big move from her university town back here, etc, etc.  

 

I had one friend who was very close during about 2007-2010 or so.  She and I met for coffee regularly, had kids similar ages, had similar views and likes/dislikes (though not too similar, that could get boring lol), and she was a HUGE support for me when Pink was in the NICU.  She was who I sent any pertinent info to, and she sent an email to others in the church so they wouldn't be texting me 24/7 for updates.  Somehow, with that one, we just sort of grew apart.  But when they moved away in...2013?  2014?  ... one of the things that she mentioned was the times spent with me, the memories of that month of Pink's life, and the other things we did.  In the end, the lack of longevity in our close friendship didn't mar what we had.

 

Since then, I've become really close with a fellow homeschool mom.  She's probably my closest friend now - we started homeschooling the same year, and hit the homeschool convention together that first time, and have been sticking together ever since.  Since then we've done a lot of other things, both homeschool-related and not.

 

One other very close friend moved to another state, and I'm pretty bad at keeping up with her.  So that may be one that was for a time, also, though I still love seeing her and spending time with her when they're in town.  

 

 

 

So, long answer was all that ^^^... short answer is yes.  Definitely.  I feel very happy in my friendships that I've had these last several years.  There was a time in my life - in my early 20s, mainly - when I didn't have many close friends.  I'm very glad to have many friends now.  :)

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"We have laughed until we could not breathe..." And\or

"Friend knows me extremely well and was with me through --------(giant turmoil/tragedy)."

 

Friendship was the theme of pastor's sermon and I was thinking about this. I used to have friends where we had laughed so hard we could not breathe, and my childhood best friend and I were so sympatico, we literally finished each others sentences. We were in perfect harmony. But I don't really have that anymore, except for DH. I sort of wish I still had a friend like that, but I'm not sure that can even be created at this point in my life, in part because I don't have that kind of time to commit to non-family people.

 

Do you have current friends like this? And are they "go waaaay back" friends, or have you managed to cultivate this well into adulthood?

I do have friends like this now. Most were made in adulthood in my late twenties and through my thirties. I do make time for them. I believe relationships are like plants. You can get low maintenance ones, but there is a level of minimal care required to prevent death.

 

ETA: I believe "not having time" for friends is like "not having money" to invest in retirement. I think friendships are especially critical for women. I don't want to rely solely on my daughter for adult companionship and I'll likely outlive my husband. Putting all of my social eggs in my family basket seems unwise for my long term happiness. I'm not an introvert. A few days in my own company is grand, but I need regular peer contact to look forward to.

Edited by KungFuPanda
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Yes, they are the friends I made the first night of college waaaay back in 1993. We all live in different states now but try to get together once a year for a girls weekend. We may not even speak for months besides a quick text or message on facebook. But once we are back together, its like we are living on the same hall in college again. They were with me on a girls weekend when I miscarried our very much wanted and long awaited miracle baby. I will never, ever forget how they sat in the waiting room of the ER for over 4 hours just to be there for me. One came in the ER room with me (hospital only allowed one) and cried and prayed with me. I wish we lived closer so our kids could play together or we could grab a quick coffee. But as far away as they are, I am still so grateful we are still friends. I hope we always make it a priority to be in each others lives, even if its just one weekend a year.

 

Our girls weekend is coming up next month and I can't wait. We may not do anything the entire time but drink coffee, eat and talk but none of that matters when we are together. I know that it is rare to have this type of friendship and I am very thankful.

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No, I'm not very close to anyone now except DH. I am also a guarded person, and I tend to regret sharing anything about myself beyond surface facts. For instance, I recommended a book recently to a friend and stupidly mentioned that it was one of my favorite books. I was extremely attached to the characters, and now it feels, I don't know, a bit violating to have someone else know that. I don't always share with DH what I'm reading or listening to, let alone anyone outside this house. Hard to laugh with someone when you don't open up enough to find things mutually funny.

 

I'm too weird for other people, I think, and maybe at the same time too normal/boring. Good think I married another boring weird person.

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I have one. She's awesome. We see each other weekly, now that she started homeschooling! We met in highschool. We've had drifted apart times, but we've both made an effort over the years to stay friends. We're both introverts and 1 is enough. I do have other friends but not quite that level.

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My family is like that, including my partner, my mom, my sister, and my sister-in-law. My cousins are really fun, too.

 

Not friends, per se, but I moved around a lot.

 

My partner is my best friend. He is hilarious. I love him.

 

We are pretty quirky people, though.

 

And to Sparkly Unicorn... yes. :) You count for sure.

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Current friends that you actually see face to face? No. I have a friend that I stay in touch with via facebook and we were close in college, but it's been some time where we actually hung out like that. We don't even live in the same state any more.

 

One of my sisters might be the closest I have to that type of friendship.

 

I don't think it's impossible to make that kind of friend later in life. I just don't see it on the horizon for me anytime soon. I like to think it's possible.... I used to watch Cougar Town and I loved how the neighbors became close as adults.

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I am with my friend of 28 years at the moment.

 

Our friendship began with the laughter that is so consuming you can't breathe.

 

I am with her and her children (my godchildren) now in the untimely death of her 54 year old dh two days ago.

 

And we've seen it all in the middle.

 

So yes. And it is a great gift from God. Total gratitude.

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In the past: yes. Especially with the laughing. These people have now become more like acquaintances, though. I let the relationships go when I realized I was putting 100% of the effort in to "keeping in touch" once we got in to adulthood and I moved away.

 

Currently: no, except for DH. I have current friends, but only one that I'd consider as a BFF type who I would let "know me so well", if she had more time. She's the busiest person I know.

Edited by fraidycat
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I am still best friends with my high school best friend, and we definitely meet your requirements.  

 

I went through a dry spell as a young adult when I moved to Switzerland- no close friends, and my BFF and I had drifted apart as we both dealt with big moves across the globe (her to Guam, me to Switzerland).  

 

Then, I had kids and started making mom friends, then I started homeschooling and started making homeschool friends.  Some of those friends have remained "chatty acquaintances"- People I'm happy to see out at the park or at a HS gathering, but not people I seek out to spend time with.  But over time, I have become close to 2 neighborhood moms (now Godmother to one of their kids), 1 other ex-pat mom, and 2 homeschool moms.  With these women, we make efforts to get together without our kids, to send texts and emails and otherwise keep in contact.  

 

All of these are people who I can and have called on for help in emergencies, and had wonderful deep conversations with.  We aren't *quite* as close as high school BFF and I, simply because we haven't shared our childhoods, but still, very close.  

 

I feel very blessed with my friends.  I know it's not always that we can find so many adult friends.  I tend to be very shy, so I am particularly lucky to have managed to create this network!  

 

I wish you the best of luck in finding close friendships.  It's one of those things that we don't necessarily notice we are missing until we have it and then think, "Ahhh, this is so nice!"

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Hubby is that person for me.  It's been that way since college a little bit after we started dating (about 28 years ago) and hasn't changed.  We really are perfect for each other.  I don't want anyone as close to me as he is.

 

My mom is probably second at this point in my life, but that started sometime after my kids were born.  

 

I have a couple of closer friends who know more about my life than others, but we don't get together all that often, 'cause hubby and I spend most of our time together.  We see each other at work or church and catch up.  We have new neighbors who moved in about 4 months ago and they are quickly becoming good friends - far closer than most get, but usually we get together as couples to play games or eat dinner and talk.

 

Anyone who enters my circles of friends had better be able to laugh.  Humor is a major part of our everyday lives.  People who are close to us say it's one thing they love about being with us.  Even kids/teachers at school notice.  Hubby went in one day for a "Math Careers Day" as a presenter since he's a local very well respected engineer.  I haven't stopped hearing comments about how "he's so cool" or "you two are perfect for each other," coupled with "he was so funny with his presentation - it was very, very good."  Humor is a great way for controlling a classroom too.   :coolgleamA:   It's difficult to keep acting up when you're laughing.

 

Those without a sense of humor will not want to be in our circle of friends for long.

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