Amber in SJ Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 In 15 days we take Dd #2 several states away to the college of her dreams and I am so sad that it hurts to breathe. Don't worry that I am letting her know how sad I am and raining on her excited parade because I am keeping it to myself. I just need a place where I can express how sad I am because when I try to do so to my friends IRL I hear: "I thought you wanted her to go to college?" "Isn't this what you have been working toward for 17 years?" "She is going to be fine." "The school she is going to is perfectly safe. She will love it there." "You should be happy for her." "Christmas is right around the corner." "You already sent Dd #1 away to school. This should be a piece of cake." "What is the matter with you? Just last Summer she was missing curfew and talking back to you. You should be glad of the break." "If you hadn't homeschooled this wouldn't be so hard for you." "You are too attached. You shouldn't be sad. Every parent goes through this." "You should be focused on her feelings not your feelings." So there, I said it. My 17 year old is going to college more than one thousand miles away from me, and I am sad. I will miss her. She is going to learn how to be an adult person, make her decisions, have her consequences and live her life away from me. She is going to come home for visits like her older sister, but this is a big step toward her home being somewhere that is not my home. I want all of those things for her, and she is going to do great because she is an awesome person, but I am sad for me. Thanks for letting me feel sad for a moment, Amber in SJ 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kimberly in IN Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 (( )) x a really big number!!! I haven't been in your situation, my oldest chose a school much closer to home, but I still feel many of those feelings. More and more (( ))! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 Hugs. She will be fine and safe and it is the right thing for her to do - and still, it hurts very much. I had a hard time with DD leaving. Seeing them at Christmas is not the same. It's the end of an era. I am thrilled to have DD home for the summer but know she will leave soon. What you are feeling is normal. It is normal to grieve - many of us do. And maybe homeschooling did indeed let us be closer to our teens. Things will get better. My strategy was to find something to do to fill the hole. It helped, some. Best wishes. It's OK to be sad. Because you're a mom who loves her DD. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 I haven't experienced it yet, Amber, because my ds is only15, but I dread the day when he leaves home. I'm so sorry you are sad, but I completely understand why you are so upset. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 :grouphug: I'm already upset in anticipation. LOL 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
displace Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 I would be sad too. And a thousand miles away is far! That's a very long drive or an expensive flight, which can make it more difficult to visit. I hope you will be able to visit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FloridaLisa Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 I'll give you a hug and nod by head in complete understanding. Yes, I'm happy my kids are doing well and pursuing dreams. Yes, I love adult kids. Yes, they are maddening when they talk back. But you get to have both feelings once. You don't have to choose joy that your kids are doing great and wistfulness that their growing up years at home are over. And even if really good, it's different.They'll come home for Christmas, and you'll be exhausted with the cooking and staying up late and doing with them and their youthful energy. But then they say things like "I'm headed home." :confused1: So hugs to you. P.S. Who needs a boo-hoo breakfast when they head to kindy? I say we moms of high school graduates are the ones who need to boo-hoo and atta girl each other on. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 I completely understand. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 I know how you feel. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
No More Perfect Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 My oldest is only 12 and I am already sad about the day she will leave, even though that is 6+ years away. It's more than okay to be sad! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 Right there with you as my youngest was on a plane earlier today. :grouphug: The house is very quiet now. Hubby and I both had comfort food for supper. Homeschooling could, indeed, have made it worse at the break, but OTOH, think of the time we had that we wouldn't have had. I wouldn't have traded our homeschooling years for anything, and certainly not for slightly less pain when they fly. That's nowhere near an equal or worthy trade. More :grouphug: . 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hikin' Mama Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 I totally get it! It is okay to feel sad. My oldest (married w/2 kids) is 23 and my middle is 20. They've been gone from home for awhile, and it still makes me sad when we have to say good-bye. I feel very fortunate that these are people I really like and I like spending time with. They make my heart sing more the older they get. Hugs to you. ETA: Homeschooling has nothing to do with it. I've talked to several moms who never homeschooled but had a very hard time when their kids went to college. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 (Hugs) and more (hugs)!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Supertechmom Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 MIne has been gone a couple of weeks and I still tear up . It is grief for sure. I am excited he has started this new chapter. He has such a great future laid out for him and is so excited to be going. We did a good job and raised a great son. The reality that he may not even have summers to come back due to internships and co-ops means this break is pretty much his launch on his own. It is exciting to hear how his classes are going and how much he loves his new life. I still get the right to grieve over losing the day-to-day and adjust to our new normal while enjoying the newness and excitement he is experiencing. One feeling doesn't negate the other. And I agree that we college moms need a boo-hoo and atta girl lunch. We raised these kids and we know how awesome they are. IN kindergarten they were cute, sweet, and darling,(what 5 year old isn't precious) the real them was still in progress. At college, they are beginning to mature into their adult lives. And they are pretty cool people to know. It is sad that they leave now when they are so interesting on an adult level. So ignore your IRL peeps. you can be sad and happy all at once. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ErinE Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementine Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 I'm in the midst of it right now. Day 5 to be exact. It's hard. It's sad. You said it perfectly. I think it's harder on us than it is them. Hugs to you!!! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Minerva Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 You're such a sweet mama. Big hugs for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pawz4me Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 I'm in the midst of it right now. Day 5 to be exact. It's hard. It's sad. You said it perfectly. I think it's harder on us than it is them. Hugs to you!!! It definitely is. I never understood why my mom shed tears when she dropped me off at college. I mean seriously, it was a great day in my life. How could she be sad??? Five years and a couple of days ago we dropped our oldest off. Three years ago it was middle. Last year it was youngest. I definitely get it now (and did after oldest). I wonder why I was so clueless before... Ever since I've made sure I've included my mom in as much as I can - esp phone calls, and when she can, trips - since we live 8 hours apart. I also work hard to remember how I felt going to and back to school and try my best to remain upbeat and happy for my guys - living their life to the fullest with proud mama watching. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 The pain is suffocating in spite of the happiness for them. It somehow gets better. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Our children don't remember their lives thus far like we do. Their childhood is ours to treasure. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merry gardens Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 (((Hugs))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Homeschooling could, indeed, have made it worse at the break, but OTOH, think of the time we had that we wouldn't have had. I wouldn't have traded our homeschooling years for anything, and certainly not for slightly less pain when they fly. That's nowhere near an equal or worthy trade. AMEN. :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmyontheFarm Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Hugs. I'm 12 days from dropping dd#2 off. I keep telling my husband I'm very anxious and he just doesn't get it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halftime Hope Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 P.S. Who needs a boo-hoo breakfast when they head to kindy? I say we moms of high school graduates are the ones who need to boo-hoo and atta girl each other on. All of this was fantastic, but the above was :hurray: . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I talk to the trees Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halftime Hope Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 I thought you'd enjoy a cute story, but grab your tissue box first. I just helped my youngest (ds20) move in at his college 3 hours away last Wednesday. That was really hard--he is my bud. We had a great day, me following him around on his campus errands and helping him get things situated in his dorm room. After the "parents say good-bye" moment, I squeezed him quickly and spun to leave before the tears started. I made it home and didn't have a chance to check my FB page until the next evening, only to find he had posted this on his FB page with the caption, "My feelings exactly!" https://www.youtube.com/embed/Fd0nDH993UY Darn kid. Pass the Kleenexes. P.S. Why are IRL friends so lame?!? I can count on two fingers the ones that really understand the concept of empathy and listening. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 I'm right there with you. I heard many of those same things and found other people to be quite dismissive. The joy and relief of knowing that I did my job well and my kids were doing was they were supposed to be doing does not negate the fact that there is a loss. I have struggled mightily with dd chosing to go to high school part-time. She is my baby and the others are at college. I didn't stop her. I didn't guilt trip her. But I am still grieving that old life - especially since I'm not at the point where I can start building a new life (she isn't driving independently yet.) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 I was so depressed the summer before my dd left for college that I thought I needed prescription meds. She only went an hour away to college so I could drive to see her any time. Because of this, I missed that launching our children to college is not about them changing their addresses. It marks the end of their childhoods. It was like the scene in The Giver in which the young people were assigned their permanent job and each of them were told, "Thank you for your childhood." <gulp> I recall cleaning out dd's room in preparation for her to leave. She was present but not helping too much. I felt compelled to do it, but as I got closer and closer to being "done", I got sadder and sadder. At the end, I crawled into her bed with her, laid across her, and sobbed. She cried, too. We moved her into the dorm, and I cried. I waited until she would let me come for a lunch visit (two months), and it felt like I had dropped her off on an ice floe in Siberia. (Are there ice floes in Siberia?) I don't mean to seem like I am using hyperbole because I am not. I was devastated. And I never homeschooled her. It does get better. I'm okay now, and she starts her junior year next week. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halftime Hope Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 And FYI, this can happen to dads, too. I'll never forget, maybe 15 or 20 years ago, Dr. James Dobson describing his absolute devastation when his youngest, Ryan, left home. He was completely blindsided by the immensity of how much he missed his kids. He described it much like Tex did. When dd left home six years ago, I got teary for weeks before she left and then was pretty good once we actually moved her onto her campus. It helped seeing how much fun she was having and how right this step was for her. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 And FYI, this can happen to dads, too. I'll never forget, maybe 15 or 20 years ago, Dr. James Dobson describing his absolute devastation when his youngest, Ryan, left home. He was completely blindsided by the immensity of how much he missed his kids. He described it much like Tex did. My hubby gets it as bad as I do. We've already been discussing our feelings. To some extent, it's not "just" missing them. It's the realization that so much of life has flown by. We loved it, and no matter how much we want to, we can't get it back. Saving time in a bottle is only a wishful song. Meanwhile I just finished watching Fiddler on the Roof's Sunrise, Sunset because it just so perfectly and melodically catches my thoughts (even if it is a wedding vs college drop off - my oldest is already married, so I know how quickly one can become the other). "Is this the little boy at play?" "I don't remember growing older, when did they?" I am happy for my guys. I truly am. I love watching what they do and where they go and listening to all their dreams. But at the same time I still mourn losing what was. I'm saving it "up" on my computer because I know hubby will enjoy the reminisce too. If anyone wants a quick link to it rather than google... 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bzymom Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: My youngest dd is a high school senior this year. Just the thought of next summer's preparations for college take my breath away. And she's my fourth. But my only girl. My baby girl. My teeny tiny peanut girl. She's just a baby... When you need to, come by here and yell it out! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizzie in Ma Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 It was like the scene in The Giver in which the young people were assigned their permanent job and each of them were told, "Thank you for your childhood." <gulp> Oh, gosh, now I'm crying. I'm not watching any videos! I definitely can't handle that. I was fairly unemotional about DD leaving until we left to come back home. DH has had enough emotion for the 2 of us. DD has been, honestly, hard to live with for the last year, so in many ways I've been ready for her to spread her wings. I still am ready. However, now that the giant to-do list is done, I am finally a little sad. I have felt really weird about my lack of sadness about this. This is also something that friends don't tend to respond well to. We're all supposed to be just the right amount of sad. Well, hugs all around, I say! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 ((((Amber))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom22ns Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Thank you for saying this. I dropped ds off at college almost two weeks ago. Every breath was painful for days. Everything was a thought of him. Of course I want him to go. Of course I'm happy for him. It didn't mitigate how painful it was for me at all. Two weeks later, I'm doing much better. It is still hard. Yesterday when I went grocery shopping I nearly lost it seeing food that I normally buy for ds, but didn't need. I tell you all of that just to say, I get it. I feel like I'm not allowed to say it, but I get it. :grouphug: 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 It's perfectly natural! (((Amber))) PS And it doesn't mean you don't want what is best for him. Sheesh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GinaPagnato Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 I am right there with you. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CAMom Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: I just took my dd back for her sophomore year 2800 miles away. I was so glad she asked me to come with her again. At the beginning of the summer she said she didn't need me to come but then she changed her mind and asked me to come. I was able to meet lots of her friends. One of them told me that I'm the "coolest mom on Twitter." I'm not even on Twitter but, apparently, dd posts about me all the time on there. :D It's hard to let them go but so exciting to see what their future has in store. I understand and offer :grouphug: :grouphug: 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Penguin Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 I was so depressed the summer before my dd left for college that I thought I needed prescription meds. She only went an hour away to college so I could drive to see her any time. Because of this, I missed that launching our children to college is not about them changing their addresses. It marks the end of their childhoods. It was like the scene in The Giver in which the young people were assigned their permanent job and each of them were told, "Thank you for your childhood." <gulp> I recall cleaning out dd's room in preparation for her to leave. She was present but not helping too much. I felt compelled to do it, but as I got closer and closer to being "done", I got sadder and sadder. At the end, I crawled into her bed with her, laid across her, and sobbed. She cried, too. We moved her into the dorm, and I cried. I waited until she would let me come for a lunch visit (two months), and it felt like I had dropped her off on an ice floe in Siberia. (Are there ice floes in Siberia?) I don't mean to seem like I am using hyperbole because I am not. I was devastated. And I never homeschooled her. It does get better. I'm okay now, and she starts her junior year next week. Gosh, I remember when we were talking about sending our kids off to college, and now they are going to be juniors. I didn't homeschool mine either, and it was still terribly traumatic. It took me two weeks to be able to walk into his room. :grouphug: :grouphug: to you, OP. What you are going through is tough. It is OK to be sad. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amira Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 :grouphug: My oldest ds is 16 but has already moved out. He's staying with my sister rather than moving 2 more times before he graduates. I know it's for the best, but I miss him so much and I wish he weren't gone. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 I tell you all of that just to say, I get it. I feel like I'm not allowed to say it, but I get it. :grouphug: On here it's ok to say it too. :grouphug: 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndyJoy Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 My parents dropped me off at college 15 years years ago, on their 25th wedding anniversary. My dad sobbed as they left; my mom kept the tears in longer. I cried too. I was thrilled to go, but I knew the happy life I'd had with them would never be the same. I think it's a sign of a healthy bond to be sad when your kid leaves and no trite saying can fix that. This article popped up in my FB feed today and I thought of you: http://www.bostonglobe.com/metro/regionals/south/2015/08/13/was-sun-and-kids-were-planets/rIZt6ftorNQpeHcv1og3fL/story.html#skip-target-related-box 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justkeepswimming Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 I'm a year away from this experience and already agree with every word you said, OP! I watched the Sunrise, Sunset video... I shouldn't have. :crying: :crying: :crying: I've found that recently I've started pushing dd away-trying to separate the two of us and minimize the eventual pain when she's gone. DH is the total opposite, clinging to her every free moment the two of them can muster. *sigh* We are both going to be a solid mess when the first one leaves the nest!!! Might not be able to let the other three go! :wacko: 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenn- Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 *hugs* I remember my mom having a hard time when my brother left for college. I'm sure it was bad when I left as well. I was very independent by that time though, and I think that helped her a bit more with the separation. I'm a few years away from my first one heading off and I can already tell that it will be my DH that has the letting go issues. He's ready for her to go to the local college and live at home and I'm eyeballing schools that are far enough for her to be in dorms (unless she hits a full ride somewhere out of state she will be in state no matter what). I've seen enough kids around here that did it DH's way that are still living with their parents in their 30's because they had a failure to launch after high school. You should be proud of the job well done, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be upset to see her go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amber in SJ Posted August 27, 2015 Author Share Posted August 27, 2015 You guys are the best. Thank you for all the understanding. I was beginning to feel like I was nuts for being so sad. Amber in SJ 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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