Chris in VA Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 So for whatever reason, son did not ask other son to be in the wedding party. Do you think it'd be ok (or is it meddling or controlling or something negative) for me to ask dh to suggest to ds that he ask other son to read the scripture at the ceremony? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThisIsTheDay Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 I think it would be fine to ask your ds that. Everything is so chaotic, getting everything done in a week, and hopefully there will be no hurt feelings over anything. :) 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wonderchica Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 Sure! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Tick Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 You should bring it up. I was so clueless about weddings when I got married, I could have used a little more of "hey, here's what to expect", "often people do this", "have you thought about", and particularly "you don't have to empty your wine glass every time they fill it" 24 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halftime Hope Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 I think that would be fine. If there is a specific reason he was not included, that would come out and could be discussed. Given the speed with which this has all come together... I hope it is a marvelous, delightful, joyful day for all the family. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 Do you think it'd be ok (or is it meddling or controlling or something negative) for me to ask dh to suggest to ds that he ask other son to read the scripture at the ceremony? No, I wouldn't do it. This could create problems between your sons as well as a variety of problems with the bride. And you're putting your husband right in the middle of it, too. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reefgazer Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 I think it would be fine to broach the topic. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 I think suggesting it is fine. Any more than that, not fine. He may have a zillion perfectly reasonable reasons for not asking his brother to be in the wedding, but suggesting that he read Scripture sounds nice. What about your DD? Would that then leave her out, and would she mind? If so, maybe the two of them could both read together? 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annandatje Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 So for whatever reason, son did not ask other son to be in the wedding party. Do you think it'd be ok (or is it meddling or controlling or something negative) for me to ask dh to suggest to ds that he ask other son to read the scripture at the ceremony? I would stay out of wedding planning entirely unless asked for advice or to perform a specific task. Without delving into detail, my decision turned out to be the right one for the situation. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanny Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 I believe it would be "meddling or controlling or something negative" and is not OK 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 I would not get in the middle of a relationship between 2 adult siblings or offer unsolicited advice to an adult mature enough to decide to get married in 2 weeks time. With that turn around, things will fall through the cracks. It's ok. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom-ninja. Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 I think you can ask the groom about it BUT do not ask the brother to be in the ceremony without asking the groom. My mom did that to me. She asked 3 women to be bridesmaids and made my sister maid of honor without asking me. I'd had no intention of those 3 women being in the ceremony. However, my mom informed me they would be bridesmaids after they had accepted. What was I supposed to do? Call them and tell them that I had not planned on asking them and my mom asked them without asking me first? Just don't do that! 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
barnwife Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 I see both sides of this. A little background of my wedding: I asked both of my sisters to be in my wedding party. Both said yes. The sister that I'd always had a rocky relationship with was...completely unsupportive of, well, everything wedding related. She complained about each and every decision I made. Eventually I told her "being in my wedding party means you are willing to support me. Your complaining shows you can't do that. IF you complain again, I will take that to mean you have decided that you can't be in the wedding party after all." The very next thing she said was a complaint about yet another wedding thing.I told I was sad she wouldn't be in my wedding, as she is my sister, but I didn't want negative, unsupportive people surrounding me on my wedding day.Long story short, I let the rest of the family bully me into allowing her to stand up. I absolutely, completely regret that. Said sister and I are now completely estranged. That part of me says "stay out of adult sibling relationships."The other side says broaching the topic is fine, as long as you let it go if informed it's not happening. If you can't accept either answer happily/with grace, don't broach it at all. I am not a regular enough poster here to know the background of this, so I can't say what I'd do in your situation. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 I just finished all our wedding festivities for 2dd. I would stay out of it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 From another angle, maybe he thought he was doing brother a favor? Especially if there is travel involved. Telling someone they need to be somewhere, have huge responsibilities, and need to have appropriate dress clothes next weekend IS quite a bit to ask of someone. Even a sibling. ETA - My real point being, there may be good and valid reasons they made this choice. Or maybe there's not, but it doesn't really matter. If you question their judgment, they may be put on the defensive. This is a good opportunity to practice being a parent to an adult and an in-law. Smile and wave. Pass the bean dip. :D 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 I can see both sides. But especially considering the quick planning, I'd stay out of it. It's not a big deal to ask, but neither is it a big deal if DS observes rather than participates in the wedding--unless you make it one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 It depends. If you think ds is clueless about stuff like this, maybe ask him. If there's any possibility that he doesn't want your other ds in it, you have to respect that. And it might be as simple as the bride has a sibling she doesn't want to include and it makes it 'easier' for each of them to exclude a sibling. I suspect with the wedding prep happening so fast that ds just didn't think about it. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 Okay to mention it briefly and casually and then drop it. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loowit Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 I would stay out of it completely, but that comes from a personal experience with a couple of weddings where there were a lot of hurt feelings from family being pushy about who was involved in wedding ceremonies. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LisaKinVA Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 I would ask the groom about it...and then pretty much leave it alone. The "Have you thought about...or I was wondering about your brother X" I've had people make assumptions about what I would or would not do, and simply not ask me. It was a bit hurtful to be the one person left out -- without a clue as to why. And then you show up to the wedding, and everyone wonders why you're not part of it...it was beyond awkward. Yes, I was busy...but I wasn't so busy I couldn't make time for the wedding! I've had people PLAN things for my wedding without asking me, and yeah, that majorly ticked me off -- because there was no asking, I found out about plans because I received an invitation to the said, planned event. Making plans for the bride and groom goes well beyond a simple query. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 I would stay out of it completely. These are adult young men and if one son cares enough about it to ask his brother about being in the ceremony, that's up to him. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Junie Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 Is your other son upset that he is not participating in the wedding? Some people are very shy or might not want to participate. Just something to consider. If your other son is upset, I think it would be ok to mention it to your son who is getting married. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 Knowing your history, there's probably some history between your dss. Reading scripture is side role your older ds probably has not thought about. I would suggest it and then leave it alone. I would never suggest a bridesmaid/groomsman role in any situation. That's too personal. However, reading scripture is a low key role. the older son can make the offer and its low key enough that the younger son can decline and no one should feel pushed either way. ETA I'm sure there are specific reasons older brother didn't ask, but often people don't think about other roles beyond groomsman. So, suggesting it may give older brother something he's comfortable offering that he had not thought of. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greta Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 So for whatever reason, son did not ask other son to be in the wedding party. But that reason makes all the difference. In your shoes, I would have to have some indication of the reason before deciding whether to say anything. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 You should bring it up. I was so clueless about weddings when I got married, I could have used a little more of "hey, here's what to expect", "often people do this", "have you thought about", and particularly "you don't have to empty your wine glass every time they fill it" Yeah, that's how I see it. Most young people aren't savvy about weddings. I had been to maybe four in my entire life before I got married. I had no clue how it was "supposed" to be. I would make the request yourself, not put your dh up to doing it. And I would say, hey, I don't know if you were meaning to exclude other ds, and you can make whatever choices about your day that you want, but it would nice and maybe expected that he be included. If he protests at all, say, sorry, really just bringing up a suggestion and then really drop it with zero more pressure. But I would bring it up. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 I would stay out of it completely. These are adult young men and if one son cares enough about it to ask his brother about being in the ceremony, that's up to him. :iagree: The BROTHER could bring it up to the marrying brother if he wants. I think that would be fine if he brought it up in a non-accusatory way. "Brother, I'd love to help in some way on your wedding day. What could I do?" And possibly throw in a couple thoughts. If the non-involved brother brought it up to me as a parent, this is what I would suggest that he do. It's THEIR relationship and they are both adults. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crimson Wife Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 From another angle, maybe he thought he was doing brother a favor? Especially if there is travel involved. Telling someone they need to be somewhere, have huge responsibilities, and need to have appropriate dress clothes next weekend IS quite a bit to ask of someone. Even a sibling. This is the reason that DH was not a groomsman at either of his siblings' weddings. We live on the opposite coast and DH works a demanding job that made taking time off to even attend the wedding at all problematic. His brother got married on a Friday night and DH came straight from the airport to the rehearsal on Thursday. DH was just doing a reading so if he'd missed the rehearsal it wouldn't have been a big deal. Missing the rehearsal as a groomsman would've been much of an issue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 I would only do that if the brother was young. If he is an adult, then no. Let your son choose who he wants. Then again, I don't know your family so I guess it depends on your family. If you are having doubts about suggesting it, maybe there is a reason for that. KWIM? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 I don't think there is anything wrong with making a suggestion or offering it as an idea. i don't see that as meddling, especially if you are helping out in other ways. Someone has to read it, and he can say no if he wants. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 I would stay out of anything related to planning someone else's wedding unless the bride or groom specifically asked me for my input. Then I would only answer the question asked. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 Does other son care? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 Does other son care? I wondered the same thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 I would just ask my son why he doesn't want his brother to be part of his wedding. You don't have to be judgmental about it, but I think you should find out what is going on. It might be a simple oversight on the groom's part, but sometimes things like this can lead to long-term resentment, so if this is a simple misunderstanding, I think it would be best to clear it up immediately. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Florida. Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 I think it's okay to ask the groom if he thinks it might be something they might want (the bride gets a say too) but not to outright recommend it. Approach it gently then back off and be willing to accept whatever answer comes. I wouldn't put dh in the awkward position of bringing it up. If you're the one who thinks it's a good idea you should be the one to ask. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamaraby Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 I think it's perfectly acceptable not to involve one's sibling one's wedding. I do not, however, think it's cool to find some token way for the sibling to participate just so they have some sort of title or specific role. If he doesn't want his brother as a groomsman, the he doesn't want him as a groomsman. Scripture reader (or usher in a specific instance I know of), imo, isn't the same thing and it might cause fewer hard feelings for the sibling to be able to attend without feeling tacked on in a "special" role beyond brother of the groom. Mostly, though, I think the best plan is to stay out of it unless specifically asked for your opinion. It's entirely possible for family members to swoop in to try and "save" the situation and only end up making things worse. Weddings are stressful enough. :0) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SereneHome Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 I would ask the getting-married son myself. And leave it at that. I can't see doing the high school stunt of asking my husband to ask my son about my other son. I am pretty sure somewhere between popping them out and raising them to adulthood, I will earn the right to ask my children certain questions. However, I am really not a fan of unsolicited opinion, suggestions and advise. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted May 3, 2015 Author Share Posted May 3, 2015 Thank you for coming thru yet again with good things to think about. Some responses to questions-- Ds 1 (getting married) has never been to a liturgical wedding. He may not even know there is scripture read. Dh is doing the wedding, so he is going to ask who will be doing the readings (and which readings they are picking--the Episcopal prayer book service has one Old Testament reading, one New Testament reading, and an Psalm. You get to pick from a list. It's not really a "token way" to participate, it's really important in the service. I am not positive it is the only one, but one reason ds1 did not ask ds 2 to be Best Man is because he wasn't sure ds2 could come. His intended did tell me yesterday that ds1 told her he really hoped his brother could come. Intended did want to ask dd to be a bridesmaid, but she ran it by ds 1. Ds1 said he thought dd was too young. LOL--I think he sorta froze her in time, and doesn't realize how grown up she is now. Intended agrees with me. But it's fine. I was thinking maybe she could read, too. I'm not pushy. I'm not planning anything. I'm only doing what is asked of me. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 I'm not sure why your ds didn't ask his brother to be his best man, and let him decide whether or not he would be able to do it. I also don't understand why anyone would think a 15yo is too young to be a bridesmaid in her own brother's wedding. Sounds like there are some communication issues here! 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted May 3, 2015 Author Share Posted May 3, 2015 I do think part of it is lack of experience. None of ds' friends are married yet (or at least, he hasn't gone to any of their weddings--there may be some folks in Asheville in his circle of newer friends that are married, but that was before he met them). We've only been to a few weddings of family, and I don't think he came. But it doesn't matter. We are going to have a great time, and I love both my son and his intended (she's really really great). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crimson Wife Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 Intended did want to ask dd to be a bridesmaid, but she ran it by ds 1. Ds1 said he thought dd was too young. LOL--I think he sorta froze her in time, and doesn't realize how grown up she is now. Intended agrees with me. But it's fine. I was thinking maybe she could read, too. The early adolescent years are tricky for finding appropriate wedding roles. Too old to be a flower girl and too young to be a bridesmaid. My 12 y.o. was given the job of herding the flower girls and ring bearers down the aisle at BIL's wedding in January. I bought her a dress to coordinate with her little sister's flower girl dress but in a teen style. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 Dh is doing the wedding, so he is going to ask who will be doing the readings (and which readings they are picking--the Episcopal prayer book service has one Old Testament reading, one New Testament reading, and an Psalm. You get to pick from a list. It's not really a "token way" to participate, it's really important in the service. Bolding by me. I just wanted to highlight this part of your post and agree that asking someone to do a reading is not a token gesture at all. It is a visible and important role. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRAAB Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 Based on my family's dynamics and how my children interact, I would do so. Your family may be different, though. Why not discuss with dh - what's is opinion? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vonfirmath Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 I would ask the groom about it...and then pretty much leave it alone. The "Have you thought about...or I was wondering about your brother X" I've had people make assumptions about what I would or would not do, and simply not ask me. It was a bit hurtful to be the one person left out -- without a clue as to why. And then you show up to the wedding, and everyone wonders why you're not part of it...it was beyond awkward. Yes, I was busy...but I wasn't so busy I couldn't make time for the wedding! I've had people PLAN things for my wedding without asking me, and yeah, that majorly ticked me off -- because there was no asking, I found out about plans because I received an invitation to the said, planned event. Making plans for the bride and groom goes well beyond a simple query. Agreed! My SIL is getting married in October. She's asked us to do nothing. Fine, she might not want kids in her wedding. But my husband is pretty hurt that she doesn't think enough of him to want him to participate in her wedding. She was one of my bridesmaids in our wedding because family is an important part of weddings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Incognito Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 When I was in the throes of wedding planning, my dad came to me with a similar observation. I was grateful for the idea, because it was unintentional to leave out important people on my part. FWIW, it sounds like you may have discussed this with his fiancee on some level already? The dynamics of that make me slightly hesitant to agree your DH should say something, but otherwise (and depending on what your relationship is with your dil2b), it might still be fine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 See, this is what happens when people stop inviting entire families to weddings. Kids grow up without having attended, and they don't know what to expect or what to do. Then they make up their own stuff. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Chris, isn't one of your sons an Aspie? If the Aspie is the groom, he may need someone to point out that it's ok for him to ask his brother if he can come etc. without just assuming. Of course this may not apply. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tess in the Burbs Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 It seems you are talking with the son getting married and the girl. It seems that he assumed the brother wouldn't come, and that left him to not even asking. He should call and ask. If the other brother can't commit to the big job, he should be offered another job. Same with the DD. My sister got married...I was across the country. Never asked to be in the wedding. I heard about it a month before it was to happen. I decided 48 hours out to take my newborn and jet overnight to the wedding as a surprise. She was shocked but happy I came. But she never asked me to be in it. It hurt. I had given her a role in mine when I had others I would have preferred. It's family. You ask. They can say no. But you at least ask. I had a distant cousin who was hurt I didn't ask her....she ended up doing programs(teen girl). I hope they can communicate about this soon. So no one gets hurt over little issues of never asking! 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redsquirrel Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 If brother cares, then maybe ask...it really depends on what the reasons are. Or, maybe the jobs haven't all been assigned yet? Maybe they are not having reading and no one is doing that job. How much do you know about the wedding ceremony. It says in the OPs sig that her boys are 23 & 25. I tend to think of this as a matter between them. Neither of these are men, not boys or teenagers. FWIW, I didn't have my brother do a reading at my wedding, there just weren't enough jobs to go around. I wasn't going to add a reading or something just to give the poor boy something to do, lol. He was a college student so he was happy to get sent home with a cooler of left overs. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 I know a lot people said to stay out of it, but honestly, I have seen enough family relationships go sour just because of little things that pile up over the years. Sometimes, all it would have taken was one small action to set things on a better path. I would encourage your getting-married son to ask his brother to be a reader. Sure, he's an adult and he's getting married now, but that doesn't mean you (his parent) can never step in to offer a wise suggestion. I would do everything I could to help my children build a peaceful relationship between themselves. You can't force a close relationship, but at least you can help set the platform for a peaceful one, which then has the potential to grow into a close one over the years. What I'm trying to say is, I don't think there's any harm in making this suggestion, and it could do a world of good. Even if they are adults. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 I guess I wouldn't broach it as "will you have your brother read scripture?" but as "do you want to include your brother (or siblings) in your wedding in any way? Have you thought about how they might feel to be excluded?" Then leaving the ball in their court. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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