TheApprentice Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 I'm thinking the ages of 11-14. I have mixed views. In general, I don't have a problem. But at this age, it could be a slippery slope and that friendship turns into something more, like "girlfriend", and that I'm not comfortable with at this age. I do think my son needs help talking with the opposite sex, but how to make it happen safely is the crux of my concern. Help me wade my way through. If you've BTDT, I'm all :bigear: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiwik Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Mine are too young. I understand your concern but healthy friendships with both sexes are a good thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Lulu* Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Yes, one of Punk's best friends is a girl that is a touch less than a year older. He also gets along/is friendly/plays happily with girls that are friends with his younger siblings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aelwydd Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 My ds has friends and teammates who are girls. IMO, separating sexes lends itself to a mentality of "us vs. them" and an often unhealthy emphasis on differences leading to fetishization of body parts. I'm tired of the obsessions different societies have hot housed regarding male and female relations. For our family, it boils down to this: respect and empathy are gained by increasing contact through sport, through play, friendship, and shared experience. It is more difficult to objectify someone you know and respect as a friend and playmate than it is a stranger, with whom you share little common experience. That's why I reject the alienation that comes with segregation of the sexes. So, my simple answer is yes, ds has friends who are girls, and as a result, he sees them as peers and equals, and not as weak, vulnerable, and "other." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renthead Mommy Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Yes and I do not see that changing. His best friends are boys currently, but most of his life he has had more friends that are girls than boys. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Lulu* Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Ack, hit reply too soon. I have seen this play out in my own life, and so it does not freak me out for my kids. My sister had male bridesmaids mixed in with her sorority sisters when she married. Those male/female relationships spanned a decade or better and had never been anything but platonic. She and I both had close friendships with people of the opposite sex all through adolescence. Only twice did I have a male friend push for something more; once was in the tween stage and ended badly but the second was when I was 15 and he and I are still on friendly terms. Wait, there was a third close friendship that turned into a thing when I was 18......I married that friend when I was 21. :) I would never have met him if it wasn't for the fact that he was best friends with one of my college girl friends, so I am a fan of boys and girls developing friendships. :P Edited because autocorrect hates me today! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 No, but they really don't have many friends that are similar age. The only son that has heaps of friends of mixed gender is ds19 and he basically lives in residence at university. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 My boys fall in this age range, and they have friends who are girls. However, they have been friends since childhood. So they'd have to stop being friends, which doesn't seem nice. Also, they are in the habit of talking to girls as people/friends, so I wouldn't want to discourage that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Three of my 13 year dd's best friends are boys. They are invited to each others' parties (unless a sleepover) and they all text a lot. It's been this way for almost two years, and there's never been a problem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chiguirre Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Yes, Geezle has friends that are girls, but they're on the spectrum. I think the autism issues trump the gender issues and they get along well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hikin' Mama Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Both of my sons had/have friends who are girls. My daughter doesn't really have boy friends that she spends time with. She knows several, mostly brothers of her girl friends, but prefers to spend time with her girl friends. I'd say she spent more time playing with the boys when she was younger, because she would have play dates with a girl friend and the brothers usually joined in the fun. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Yes, and I had friends who were boys at that age. In fact, most of my friends were boys. You can't keep young people from "liking" each other just by keeping them apart. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Yes, and I had friends who were boys at that age. In fact, most of my friends were boys. You can't keep young people from "liking" each other just by keeping them apart. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 My guy's only 9.5 so he's younger than your age range, but he has lots of friends that are girls, and I don't see that changing. I always had guy friends. Many of them are long-term friendships that have lasted my life. I don't think it has to be a slippery slope. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 See my son has always wanted to be friends with girls. He was never a rough and tumble boy so he often preferred what a lot of girls were doing. The parents wouldn't go for it though. I tried to set up play dates with girls he met at dance, and the parents didn't want their little girls playing with a little boy. People are very bizarre like that. Not all are. My son has lots of friends that are girls. He is too old for sleepovers with girls now but they still hang put with us alot. The way I approach it is to keep reminding him that he is too young for a gf but that he needs lots of friends--boys and girls-- because it helps him broaden his interests and helps him see what kind of people he likes and that like him which will be a very useful thing when he is old enough to date. I remind him often that he must be responsible in his words and we have a strict no touching rule....difficult for my super touchy feely boy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clarkacademy Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 My kids have friends of all ages and sexes. They may not all do the same things exactly but they all still hang out together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 1ds did. mostly did things with them at school. I only realized the depth of the situation when he was the only boy at a birthday party with 30 girls when he was 11. in high school - silly girls chased him. the girls whose company he enjoyed the most spoke computerese, and the silly one's he pretty much ignored. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jann in TX Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Well, my tween girl (11) has a best friend that is a tween boy (also 11). They have been best friends for years. They both have other friends of the same sex--but if something exciting happens I know exactly who dd will choose to call (and same goes for the boy). DD is 'blossoming' and we (her parents) have been keeping an eye on the situation--to see if/how it will change the dynamics of their friendship. Luckily dd is a modest dresser by choice (her friend's parents are grateful for that too!). DD has other friends that are tween boys too. She actually prefers tween boys to tween girls-- "way less drama"! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LostSurprise Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 I think female friends are an important step before/after/during dating. Our culture spends too much time saying the only reason men and women should be together is for romance or sex, that there's no reason for them to enjoy each other for personal qualities. I think relationships would be stronger if couples realized how important it is to be friends as well, (not to mention there would be less awkwardness when dating starts because the sexes would understand each other better and have a wider variety of viewpoints when they need advice). That all said, no, my boys don't have any female friends. Acquaintances, yes, or casual friendships, but we're an all male (except me) geeky household in a small town and the girls just don't match up yet. Some day. I know it will be fun to watch and a little scary, but that's part of letting your children grow up. Put the worry into safe ways for them to interact, talk to them honestly, and pray or cross your fingers. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 I would like to add that I do see my ds13 is viewing girls differently these days. I have a friend with a 13 yo boy and she says he is not a bit interested in girls 'that way'. I don't know if that is true or the mom is clueless. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrs.m Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Yes, but she moved away. :( She cracked me up. She would come over to play out in the yard with toy swords and nerf guns but would always have pink lip gloss on. :laugh: She's awesome! He's also friends with girls at CC. The class sits together at lunch. I never thought much about him being friends with a girl. I was friends with boys back then too! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Much depends upon how you have taught them to think and how the girl has been taught to think. Much depends upon personality. My older children have friends of the opposite gender and they are truly JUST FRIENDS. They look for other teens that are drama-free and they are drama-free (this is the personality issue). I do have a tween that is boy crazy and a bit dramatic. I'm glad that she really doesn't have opposite gendered friends right now. But, honestly, I don't think it does any good to ban them from opposite gendered friends. It can create an unhealthy view. Instead guide them in HEALTHY relationships and APPROPRIATE behaviour. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LostSurprise Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 I would like to add that I do see my ds13 is viewing girls differently these days. I have a friend with a 13 yo boy and she says he is not a bit interested in girls 'that way'. I don't know if that is true or the mom is clueless. I don't try to tease that kind of information out of them (my oldest are 14.5 and 13). I do tell them its normal to like different things about different girls and that this is a good time to get to know them and figure out what kind of things they like without any pressure. 14 year old tells me girls his age are catty, mean gossips and he's waiting for some nice girl who doesn't make fun of everyone. (Not a commentary on all 13/14 year old girls we just live in a tiny town and the girls his age are few.) 13 year old is totally clueless. When he was 12 and homeschooled we saw a former classmate at a concert, a very pretty girl, and she tried to talk to him. He was so flipped out he actively ignored her. She was following him calling his name and I think he would have kept walking if I hadn't told him to be polite and at least say hi. Poor kid. I think it would be easier for him if he had female friends, less pressure. When there's a (self or adult imposed) separation of the sexes every girl-boy interaction seems overloaded with subtext and every peer is watching you. :P Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wildcat Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 I just sent my son off to college, but had to reply. :tongue_smilie: My ds has had close girl friends for most of his life. In fact, his close friends are still mostly girls. The only 'issues' that have arisen is when one of them falls for a guy and texts or posts on FB about it... ds says "ugh, I didn't need to know that", or "that's all she talks about any more". They are all good friends and have been for about six or seven years. FWIW, my best friend from kindergarten on up took me to my high school prom. There was never anything romantic between us. And, although you didn't ask about girls, dd has good friends who are guys. Again, there is nothing between any of them. They all hang in groups, and actually ask each other "when he/she said this, what did he/she mean?" I think it is wonderful to have friends of the opposite sex. It will become obvious if the friendship starts to change into something more (sideways glances, a little hesitant to talk about the person, a little blushing, sudden 'looking nice' when getting together), and that is when you can start to talk about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom-ninja. Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Yes. He does. He does not view them with the eyes of a predator despite what many people think of preteen boys. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caitilin Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Ds12.5 has several girl friends, not girlfriends, and has for many years. One of them has been his best friend for several years. He likes her and he "likes" her, but they are primarily friends. I think this is a marvelous thing, frankly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Yes and I do not see that changing. His best friends are boys currently, but most of his life he has had more friends that are girls than boys. Mine are older now but mine are the same. Both of my sons have always had more friends that are girls than are boys. It's never been a problem, even as teens. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 My 12-year-old DD's friends are mostly boys, including her best friend. She is not a girly-girl (neither was I at that age or even now), and she simply has more interests in common with boys. She did have a friend she considered a boyfriend, though, so I understand the concern. They were still mainly just friends who had feelings for each other. I talked about it with her and tried to discourage the boyfriend/girlfriend thing, but I didn't want to forbid her from seeing him either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Florida. Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Mine will be 16 in a few weeks, but he did and still does have friends who are girls. Some are new friends; others are girls he's known since he was 6 (when we first joined our hs group). When he was little, they'd come over for play dates or he'd go to one of their homes. As he got older it became mostly boys, only because he had more in common with the boys. When we'd go to a group activity, he hung out with both boys and girls. He still does this at homeschool teen hangouts. He wears his heart on his sleeve, so it's obvious when he likes a girl as more than a friend. There's a girl next door his age who he sometimes hangs out with. He also does homeschool art club in which he's the only guy. According to him he has no romantic interest in any of the girls in the club, and none of them are interested in him as far as he knows. They're just a group of friends who enjoy art. I agree with those who say forced segregation is not good, regardless of age. Not all opposite gender friendships will turn romantic. It's a good idea to keep your eyes and ears open at this age and as he gets older, but that's all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PinkyandtheBrains. Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 My 13 year old has female friends. Most of my friends growing up were boys, and I still find it easier to make friends with boys. I keep my eyes and ears open, but I do that with any of their friends regardless of gender. Never know when they might decide to try something off Mythbusters. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 He does at co-op and within our homeschool group, but not on an individual hang out basis. He's anti mushy stuff at this point, though many of his friends are crushing on girls. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stayseeliz Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Kinda sorta? My DS12 and DD9 are both on swim team so they are around and joke with members of the opposite sex a lot. We also do a lot of activities with entire families that have boys and girls, etc. But DS hasn't asked to have a girl over. I'd discourage that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pretty in Pink Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 When my son was 10 and 11 one of his best friends was a girl and they did get together to play at her house and ours. IDK if either of them ever thought about the other as more than a friend, maybe they did. It wouldn't bother me to know that they had liked each other. They weren't sneaking off into the woods to be alone or anything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paige Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 My DS (12) has several female friends. He has 3 little sisters so he is used to playing with girls all day. He has more female friends than male friends just because of how our social circles and neighborhood has worked out recently. He is not at all interested in a "girlfriend" right now. I really think that girls are into that more than boys at this age. I've had a few girls his age or even younger tell me he's cute and they have a crush on him but have never heard anything from DS or his male friends about girls. Fortunately, the girls who have (admitted) crushes on him aren't his closer female friends. I think it is good for him to have female friends and good for his future spouse that he has a bunch of little sisters because he sees girls as equals and relates to them normally without having everything filtered through a potential boyfriend/girlfriend perspective. My girls are younger, but they don't have many male friends. I wish they did, but we haven't connected with any. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lynn Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 My ds(13) will talk to the girls at co=op but does not have "friends" that are girls, he is on the shy side. However, from my personal experience I'd watch such relationships closely. I was shocked :huh: :confused1: :ohmy: :svengo: :w00t: to see what a 12 year old girl, who was just a friend to my ds, would to text or im to my ds. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 I don't have a tween son yet, but my tween daughter has several friends who are boys. They are friends because they get along well and have similar interests and personalities. They're all nice boys, and if she ever dated them, it wouldn't break my heart, but I would never ever push for that and wouldn't encourage that sort of thing at her age. At some point, we may need to be more cautious about how she hangs out with them (like, right now, they all enjoy stomping around in the woods together, and at some point, we may need to put limits on how that's allowed to happen), but right now, I hear her speak about hanging out with the boys the same way she speaks about hanging out with her BFF, who happens to be a girl. I'm glad she is friends with people because they get along well and have similar interests, rather than limiting herself to "girls being friends and boys are icky unless I have a crush on them," at least at this age. I think it helps that her BFF's older brother is one of their pals, and that some of her friends, boy or girl, have younger brothers DS1's age, so it's generally one big conglomeration of kids who happen to enjoy the same sorts of things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erin Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Buck has several girl friends. But he also knows there will be no "dating" until he's older... So far he's not particularly interested, so it's really not an issue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TKDmom Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 No. But my dd12 is friends with boys. Most of my friends have boys close to her age, and she participates in a male-dominated sport, so she spends more time with boys than with girls. She would probably prefer it to be otherwise. She really treasures her time with girlfriends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 When ds was that age, the only peer in our neighborhood was a girl. They had a very nice friendship. My dds socialize with boys at different activities, but our block is full of tween girls, and then a handful of teen boys who have better things to do that hang out with little kids. *I* grew up spending most of my time with boys. It was never problematic, and I liked it so much better than mooning over glitter and unicorns. ;-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ali in OR Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 I only have girls and they don't have a lot of close friendships of any kind. But I wouldn't be surprised if, as they get older and more involved with peers, they have friends who are boys. They're not into a lot of the stuff their female peers are into--no boy bands, pop music, definitely no drama, don't watch t.v., aren't boy-crazy, etc. I could see them preferring the company of other down-to-earth, sensible, not highly emotional people, and while some of those may be girls, a lot of them may be boys. And the youngest is pretty athletic/competitive--would probably enjoy competing with boys. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Yes, ds18 did; a girl who was exactly one year younger than himself.. Around age 12-13 they started going in different directions and didn't hang out as much but they were good buddies for many years leading up to it. She did end up dating one of the neighborhood boys for a while, but it wasn't one that she was buddies with. DD14 has always had friends who were guys. I don't think much of it. We have always had guidelines in place like 'no boys in the bedrooms' etc from the beginning so it hasn't been an issue. Once a boy moved from being a friend to a 'boyfriend' she was very open with me about it and we revisited the rules, clarified a few and so far it hasn't been an issue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redsquirrel Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 My 13 year old son's best friend is a girl. They have been friends since I met her mom at a LLL meeting. My son is a ballet dancer and one of a handful of boys in the whole school. He spends a whoooole lot of time with girls. He's acting sort of 'over' girls these days. In his opinion the girls at the school are mostly an impenetrable mass of giggling, in-fighting, and hair care discussions. His friend is a 'normal person' and he can talk to her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DianeW88 Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 My boys didn't but I did as a child. We'd been friends our whole lives, and that friendship continues to this day. We only kissed each other once...we were 15, and it was New Year's Eve. We were both totally grossed out by it, and it never happened again. :lol: We're like brother and sister, and we know more about each other then our respective spouses do...in a "growing up together" sort of way. In fact, he reminded me of my 4th and 5th grade childhood crush the other day (Michael Landon), and then said, "You know your dh looks exactly like him, right?" Holy cow, he's right. I unknowingly married Michael Landon!!! :eek: Which I'm totally fine with, btw. :D :wub: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bobbeym Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Both my boys have always had a good mix of girl and boy friends. We've taught that dating and having a girlfriend wasn't allowed until they are ready to find their future spouse, which you can't do if you don't have friends that are girls. DS19 only ever had 3 girlfriends. His first one moved away when they were 14, and because he felt certain she was "The One", we encouraged him to date a couple of other girls to be sure. He did, and was. They reconnected after 1.5 years apart and strengthened their friendship during a 2-year cross-country relationship. She moved back home May of last year, and they were married May of this year. DS15 has never had a girlfriend, and doesn't mind not having one. He said he's glad that he homeschools now because he doesn't have to put up with all the girl drama and peer pressure that he encountered at the junior high. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 DD12 informs me that most boys are "Gross - like pick-your-nose-in-public Gross". She does have a couple of friends who are boys that she sees at various activities (church and sports). When I reminded her of this, she said "well, I said MOST". I think this in-between age is a time when the kids start to split up a bit because of different interests. Her really close friends share the same interests that she has or are on the same teams. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheApprentice Posted August 20, 2013 Author Share Posted August 20, 2013 I would love for my boys to have friends as girls, but we are just not in circumstances that lends itself to the exposure very often. And my middle son is beginning to see girls in a less than platonic way. Friends that are girls now would be something he would have to cultivate, and he wants to, he's just unsure how. I think he sees girls as potential "girlfriends", and that's what I want to avoid. Just nice, appropriate friendship is what I'm after. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 My son only befriends the girls who can have an educated conversation about his favorite video games. It's a small, but select group of young ladies. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SunnyDays Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 My son will be 11 in a few months. He still has friends of both genders. The other day we had a get-together with two other moms and their kids.... My son, another boy his age, and three girls all about their age. They had a fantastic time together. These same kids used to play together when thy were 3-4 years old, and it's wonderful to see that they're still part of one another's lives. DS has another best friend who is a girl, they met in kindergarten. They are very fond of one another, but it's all still completely innocent. Growing up, in middle and high school, one of my best friends was a guy. We're still good friends, and now we get together with our families. I think that, while appropriate supervision and discussion are needed as they age, it's very healthy to have a variety of relationships, including platonic ones of the opposite gender. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hillfarm Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 My dd wanted a coed slumber party for her 11th birthday. It never occurred to her that it would be inappropriate to invite her 1 female best friend and her 5 male best friends. In the end, all 3 families went camping together in a local state park - and everyone slept in their family tent! The mother of one of those families told me a story once. She was fixing dinner while her oldest son was on the phone with my dd. (I think he was 13 at the time.) She continued to walk in and out of the room where he and dd were talking on the phone about a computer game they were both logged onto. Finally, she heard him say, "I love you, 'bye." She said she nearly lost it! "What did you say?", she demanded. "Oh, Mom. Calm down. I was talking to Grandma. Maggie and I hung up 5 minutes ago and Grandma called while you were in the laundry room." This same friend once told me (around the same time) that she had heard that word on the street was that my dd was pretty popular with all the boys in the area. Through gritted teeth, I asked if she knew why. She grinned and said, "Because she isn't afraid to bait her own fishing hooks and is willing to poke dead things with sticks." So keep in mind that attractiveness may be based on something different than what we adults expect. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Yes, mine did.I think that even thinking of "slippery slope" in this context defines a perspective I don't embrace. I neither encourage nor discourage the romantic thing for my kids. I go with whatever presents and parent them through it, consciously and deliberately. My oldest had a couple of crushes/girlfriends during those years. He learned a lot, and I believe much more was gained by me "allowing it" rather than trying to avoid it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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