WWYD? Difference in financial situation, promises to children, making things equal

[Tap]

A friend is struggling with this right now, so I thought I would ask for input.

 

 

She and dh are in their 50s.

 

They have 4 kids, spaced about 12 years total.

 

They promised all the kids that they would buy them a reasonable used car if they graduated high school with a 3pt GPA. This was told to the kids all the way through high school to keep them motivated to get good grades.

 

First dd graduated, received car valued at about $3000. She got married, they paid about $5000 toward wedding.

 

The wedding wasn't a promise, just something they did for a dd.

 

Second and third child , chose different paths (not important details, but they are doing fine). These kids have not received the car because they didn't graduate. Neither have wed at this point. Both, did get the same $3000 financial contribution as they left the house, just in different ways (ie rent deposit paid, help buying things to set up a house etc).

 

Fourth Child, dd, is graduating with a 4pt and is in a serious relationship, considering marriage in a few years (wants to get degree first). The car was a promise told to the child, consistently throughout the past 4 years.

 

 

 

 

Parents are now almost retired, and due to the economy and unexpected injury, are on a limited income. They absolutely can not afford to buy a car now (not even a $1000 one). Due to retirement, income will not change. There is no savings left. Only the wife can work at this point (her dh is permanently injured and limping along until he can retire) and since she was an at home mom w/ no education, she would only be able to get a minimum wage job. Their situation changed very fast in a matter of a couple of years due to the injury. They didn't expect the early retirement.

 

They don't live in a college town, so they can't switch the arrangement and say something like "live at home for free in lieu of the car, while you go to school". They don't have an extra car around to give to the child. They don't have any other assets of value to try to trade out the 'promise' with.

 

 

 

Should the parents add debt, to make good on the car promise, even though they know they will have to pay it off VERY slowly, at a high-ish interest rate?

 

Should they pay for both the car and wedding even it means putting it on a credit card?

 

Should they tell the child, sorry, but we didn't expect this financial situation, and can't help you with a car after all? (or wedding or other expenses like you siblings)

 

Other?

[AHASRADA]

I think the other 3 siblings should graciously chip in $1,000 each (or the greatest amount financially feasible). They each got their 3K they were promised, and have grown up and moved on.

 

This would be a way of thanking their parents for their financial backing when the children needed it and the parents were in a position to offer the help by in turn helping their parents to avoid further debt in their time of need, while providing their youngest sibling with the same "leg up" they received.

[Parrothead]

I think the other 3 siblings should graciously chip in $1,000 each (or the greatest amount financially feasible). They each got their 3K they were promised, and have grown up and moved on.

 

This would be a way of thanking their parents for their financial backing when the children needed it and the parents were in a position to offer the help by in turn helping their parents to avoid further debt in their time of need, while providing their youngest sibling with the same "leg up" they received.

:iagree:

[Tap]

I think the other 3 siblings should graciously chip in $1,000 each (or the greatest amount financially feasible). They each got their 3K they were promised, and have grown up and moved on.

 

This would be a way of thanking their parents for their financial backing when the children needed it and the parents were in a position to offer the help by in turn helping their parents to avoid further debt in their time of need, while providing their youngest sibling with the same "leg up" they received.

 

Not really an option that I know of. They are young, students/ minimally employed in a bad economy.

 

They would have to take on the debt themselves.

[QueenCat]

This won't be popular... but I'd probably take out a loan and buy her a used car.

[FairProspects]

I think this is a great opportunity to talk about life's hardships and how they build character along with faith if they practice one. I had something similar (although not financial) occur in my family when I was in high school and it was a defining moment for me in understanding that life causes hardship sometimes and how to grieve and move on together stronger as a family.

[Susan C.]

Well..... we didn't make any promises to begin with.... have had two job losses and long periods of time in "just making it" mode. We did tell ds we would throw in a used car if he went to local college since it was less money. Well, dh job cut his pay and we don't have it, and we have another about to enter college. Both dc know finances are tight and we do what we can. I did say we MIGHT be able to get a used car for both kids to share IF they get money together for gas, repairs and insurance. Neither work except for odd jobs (mowing/babysitting). Ds got a scholarship that covers most of his tuition and I told him we would pay the balance and books as we can. So he asks every semester if he needs to loan the balance (it isn't much), and so far, we haven't had to do that. And, I share my car with him so he can get around some (I can't be stranded all of the time and there is no bus system here). It looks like we will be able to get him through without any debt (which is the goal). He will have to loan if he does a masters, though, because dd will be starting college. We will try to offer the same deal to her. So far, so good as long as the job holds out...

 

Maybe the older three kids in this situation could chip in toward the 4th's car since they all got help? And the wedding, I would still pay for a basic one and give a limit. I couldn't not pay for a dd's wedding, that would hurt.

[Sherry in OH]

Can the parents afford to give the daughter a monthly allowance for the next few years in lieu of a car? The daughter would then have the option of using the money toward school/living expenses or saving it it buy a car.

[RahRah]

The wedding money ($5000) doesn't sound like a pressing issue to even bring up at this point - while the DD is in a serious relationship now, things change over four years and if her goal to get her degree before getting married, then the parents have four years to set aside some money to help with the wedding.

 

The car is a pressing issue - parents promised a good reasonably priced car upon graduation with a GPA of 3.0 or better....she's got a 4.0 and now parents haven't set aside any cash to make good on their promise and are struggling financially due to unforseen circumstances.

 

Such a situation, IMO is one where the child should be able to understand that perhaps she should voluntarily approach mom & dad and say I understand things have changed, please don't feel you have to keep that promise, I understand why you can't - your intentions at the time you made the promise were good and that means more to me than the car or the money.

 

What is the likelihood she is mature enough to reach that on her own, or with some gentle suggestions from siblings and/or family friends - is there someone who can talk to her, without her parents, to make such a suggestion to her? Will she be disappointed or resent her siblings/parents if she doesn't get the car or at least the same money?

 

On the other hand, do the parents really want to try to do this? Can they get creative? Are there other family members (maybe one of the siblings who got a car) willing to give the car to the DD, if it's still in good condition, and buy another car now that they're out and moving up in the world? Is their a friend or family member with a car whom they could buy it from, on a monthly payment plan, with little or no interest to make this happen? Something else?

[ChristusG]

Wow, tough situation. Hmmm....I would honestly try to swing getting the car. If it was absolutely just not feasible, then I would hope that I raised my DD well enough that she would understand the situation and be okay with it. Disappointed a little? Maybe....but I hope she could see and understand.

[Carol in Cal.]

If it were me, I would work another 5 years to keep my word.

 

However, if I were the kid, I would probably gently say that I didn't need the car just yet.

[vonfirmath]

Question: It sounds like they continued to make this promise even after their conditions changed/they knew things were going south. Is this true?

 

If so, I think they need to at least make good on their promise. (Best if the siblings can help out!)

[LND1218]

Is the car a necessity? If this student is going away to college, the car could be a financial burden the dd doesn't need. In some cases a car is a necessity and in others it's not. It depends on the college town and all. In some cases, having a car can just be an added expense with insurance, maintenance and all.

 

I would first figure out if it's needed or not.

 

If it's not, I would say I am sorry you will have to wait. Then I would start saving pennies to pay for it.

 

If it is a necessity, here is what we would do. We would do is find some additional source of income even if temporary to come up with the money. If it meant a few hours babysitting, delivering papers or doing temp work, that's what we would do.

 

We'd also be on the lookout for a decent car that is cheap. There are people trading in cars because they don't want to bother with selling. Someone they know may have a car they are willing to sell for cheap. (We buy cars all the time from family and friends - once the car is checked out, we know it's our responsibility.)

 

I would check auto auctions and all.

 

And I would pray that God would provide the funds and/or the car.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

I think I would be honest with the youngest that giving any kind of a car just isn't possible at the moment. That they are sorry they put her into the position of feeling like something promised was being withheld.

 

I would formally appologize for the breach of trust and hurt feelings. I would ask the daughter to forgive me for not coming through with the promised car.

 

However, I would not take out a loan, especially a high interest one, if income were in question.

 

Fair is not always equal.

 

There is a risk that this will cause permanent pain between the parents and the child. But it is also an opportunity to model being honest and responsible.

 

I am assuming that the parents are paying for the college. It would seem that this is pretty hefty support, given the cost threads on the high school boards.

Edited April 13, 2011 by Sebastian (a lady)

[AngieC]

I would do what I had to do to make good on the car promise, but probably not fund a wedding unless my situation changed in the mean time.

[Unicorn.]

 

 

 

Their situation changed very fast in a matter of a couple of years due to the injury. They didn't expect the early retirement.

 

 

 

 

Other?

 

The situation changed over a 2 yr. period. This isn't going to come as a complete shock to child # 4, and if he/she has a 4 pt grade ave, then he/she is smart enough not to expect anything. I would help my child out as best I could, and that is that. I might put away as much as I could to help w/ wedding expenses some day, but wouldn't take out a loan if it were going to be a burden. Or I might put a codicil in my will stating that child number four get $3000 before the rest is split evenly 4 ways.

[Tap]

Question: It sounds like they continued to make this promise even after their conditions changed/they knew things were going south. Is this true?

 

If so, I think they need to at least make good on their promise. (Best if the siblings can help out!)

 

They did. They were hopeful the injury would heal and that life would go back to normal. I also don't think they wanted to accept the reality of the finacial situation was permanent. :(

[Jenny in Florida]

As I understand it, the wedding was not a promise, right? Just something they did for the older child?

 

If that's right, and if, throughout the last couple of years when their financial situation was still deteriorating, they continued to promise the car as an incentive, I think they should get the darned car.

 

In that situation, I would do whatever was necessary to honor that promise, especially since this child has more than met the requirments.

 

I might sit down with said child and explain that, although we are going to honor that promise, we likely won't be able to help with wedding expenses in the near future. I would NOT in any way attempt to make that child feel guilty that I was working extra hours or selling belongings or whatever to buy that car. But I would want the expectations for the future to be clear.

 

Promises are important. I'd do my level best to make it work.

[Night Elf]

Other: I didn't like the 'none, sorry kids' answer because it sounds flippant.

 

I was the younger child in this scenario. My mom and dad bought a car for my sister when she graduated high school in 1979. It cost $5500. In addition to that, my sister had $2000 in savings that was hers to use on anything she wanted. By the time I graduated, my mom and dad couldn't afford to give me anything. I had $2000 in a savings account just like my sister, but I had to use that to buy a car and pay the first 6 months of car insurance. I had a full-time job and needed a car to get to work. My parents didn't really apologize. It was more the 'sorry kid, plans changed' and I was tremendously hurt. I was very resentful for years, even after I truly understood their financial situation.

 

I don't think these parents should go into debt. I do hope they acknowledge the child's feelings and explain the situation to her in a sincere way.

[justamouse]

I think the other 3 siblings should graciously chip in $1,000 each (or the greatest amount financially feasible). They each got their 3K they were promised, and have grown up and moved on.

 

This would be a way of thanking their parents for their financial backing when the children needed it and the parents were in a position to offer the help by in turn helping their parents to avoid further debt in their time of need, while providing their youngest sibling with the same "leg up" they received.

:iagree::iagree:

 

Yup. It's what I'd tell my own kids to do.

[TheReader]

I would probably try and do the car; reason being, they continued to promise this over the full course of the four years of high school, including the last two years or so that this financial situation has been worsening.

 

Now, if I'm reading that wrong and the injury that has brought about early retirement/inability for dad to work is a very recent (like, in the last few months) thing then that is different. But if the financial situation has been going steadily downhill for the last "couple of years" and they continued to promise the car if she maintained the right gpa, which she's done, then I would do whatever I could to make good on that promise.

 

I think the time to change their minds would have been at the first sign things were going downhill, and I think they should have been setting aside money to keep this promise, but that's just me.

 

I would leave the wedding out of it, since that was not promised and may or may not happen any time soon. But I'd get a car, somehow, some way.

[Mom0012]

This won't be popular... but I'd probably take out a loan and buy her a used car.

 

:iagree: Certainly anyone could understand if they couldn't fulfill their promise. However, if I were the parent, I would make it happen no matter what I had to do, especially if I had followed through with the other children the way they have.

 

Lisa

[regentrude]

Situations can change. The parents were wealthy when they gave to the siblings - now they are not. The kid needs to deal with it. The parents can show that they are sorry, that they would give equally if they could, make clear that it is not a question of unequal love, but of changed financial circumstances. Life happens.

I would not advise an older adult to go into debt to buy things - not even a car for the kid. He is young, he can work.

As far as wedding goes: I would be even less inclined to spend thousands of dollars on a wedding. That is pure luxury and can be done if the money is readily available - but far from a necessity. Marriages celebrated with expensive weddings do not last longer than marriages celebrated with inexpensive ones. A smart kid will be able to figure this out.

[Sahamamama]

The car was a promise told to the child, consistently throughout the past 4 years.

 

Why did they promise this? Why did they go on promising this, even after the father's injury, the change in the economy (which didn't happen yesterday), and the change in their income/financial status? Why?

 

Why didn't they save up for this sooner? Or, if that was not possible, why didn't they take the "carrot" away? A student with a 4.0 GPA has been working hard at academics for years, probably even before starting high school. She didn't slack in 9th, 10th, and 11th, and only pull it up to a 4.0 this past year. They should have seen this coming -- and either (a) told her that their situation had changed, or (b) found a way to make the car thing happen.

 

But now, to change their tune?

 

FWIW, I think a student with a 4.0 GPA has other reasons -- beyond the promise of a mere car -- to work hard at academics. Was she truly motivated primarily by the car to make straight A's? That wouldn't have been enough to motivate me in high school. :D

 

Actually, I would tell her, "We are as committed to you as we are to your siblings, we love you as much (if not more than ;)) your siblings, we are head over heels crazy about you... but... we are here." Then they should simply tell her what their situation is, why they didn't plan ahead better (be honest), why it was so hard for them to accept the downward slide, and how they will do everything they possibly can to help her get launched into adulthood...

 

And then I think they still should find a way to get her a safe, decent car.

[EJCMom]

Situations change. If I were the child I would be ashamed that my parents put themselves into debt that they can't afford (putting their future solvency at risk) just to buy me a car. At the time they promised it they intended to follow through. I presume that they weren't in a situation where they could have just "continued to set money aside" to follow through. It was a very generous promise, and even though she held up her end, their end has become out of their control. I'm sure that they have raised a good girl and she will understand.

[Audrey]

I voted "other," and I'll say upfront that I have no sympathy for this situation.

 

Never make promises you can't keep. It doesn't matter that situations changed. I would never have promised a car for grades and graduation. Actually.... that's more like a bribe or something... but I digress.

 

Now that they can't keep the promise, I think they should suck it up and tell the kid honestly why they can't. The kid will probably feel slighted and hurt, and if she feels like throwing a whole load of guilt back on the parents for that, well... I guess that'll be the cost of breaking a promise you shouldn't have made in the first place. They shouldn't go into further debt for this either. That's just compounding the problem.

 

Chalk it up to lessons learned in the school of hard knocks.

[Meriwether]

Why did they promise this? Why did they go on promising this, even after the father's injury, the change in the economy (which didn't happen yesterday), and the change in their income/financial status? Why?

 

Why didn't they save up for this sooner? Or, if that was not possible, why didn't they take the "carrot" away? A student with a 4.0 GPA has been working hard at academics for years, probably even before starting high school. She didn't slack in 9th, 10th, and 11th, and only pull it up to a 4.0 this past year. They should have seen this coming -- and either (a) told her that their situation had changed, or (b) found a way to make the car thing happen.

 

But now, to change their tune?

 

FWIW, I think a student with a 4.0 GPA has other reasons -- beyond the promise of a mere car -- to work hard at academics. Was she truly motivated primarily by the car to make straight A's? That wouldn't have been enough to motivate me in high school. :D

 

Actually, I would tell her, "We are as committed to you as we are to your siblings, we love you as much (if not more than ;)) your siblings, we are head over heels crazy about you... but... we are here." Then they should simply tell her what their situation is, why they didn't plan ahead better (be honest), why it was so hard for them to accept the downward slide, and how they will do everything they possibly can to help her get launched into adulthood...

 

And then I think they still should find a way to get her a safe, decent car.

 

:iagree:100%

[KidsHappen]

If I made a promise to my child, I would do everything within my power to keep that promise. In my opinion this is no different than if they already incured the debt and now have the obligation to pay it back. Not only that, but it is very important in teaching the child the importance of a promise and honoring your word. These are critical life lessons that need to be conveyed with actions not just words. Finally, failing to do so could very likely convey to the child that the parent is not to be trusted (with good reason, IMO). This kind of breach may not be easily forgiven or forgotten. I say suck it up and buy the car. Cut as many expenses as possible to make up the difference. Macaroni & cheese for a year if necessary.

 

I specifically told my children that I could not afford to buy cars for eight children so none of them should expect cars. Unfortunately, the youngest two seem to think that they should get a car. I have explained to them that at this point even if I could afford to buy them cars, it would not be fair to their sisters for me to do so.

 

Our finances have gotten progressively worse over the last five years (actually my hubby makes less than he did 12 years ago not accounting for inflation) but we are helping with costs of college for the child that is just turning 18 as well as room and board. We are also contributing to caring for hubby's aging mother. This has required us to take on way more debt that we would prefer and still tighten our belt but as long as we have the ability to continue to do so, we will. I would like to say that if I had it to do all over again, I would say never make financial promises or take on debt that may be difficult to repay in the future but I would still feel obliged to take care of my children and parents as long as I possibly could.

Edited April 18, 2011 by KidsHappen

[DawnM]

This!

 

My husband comes from a family of 5 children and treating them differently, esp. when it comes to finances, causes hard feelings.

 

Dawn

 

:iagree: Certainly anyone could understand if they couldn't fulfill their promise. However, if I were the parent, I would make it happen no matter what I had to do, especially if I had followed through with the other children the way they have.

 

Lisa

[AvasMom]

How does the child in question feel about this? Does she know that there is a problem with the car promise? What has she said about it?

 

If I were the parents and had been promising this for years and years I would do whatever it takes to make it happen. Honestly, maybe I'm just selfish but if I were the kid I would feel really let down, strung along, etc. I would not be happy.

[Cheryl in NM]

I have to say this idea of everything given to each child must be equal is tedious. Every child has unique needs. Your friends exhibited this when the gave the ones that didn't graduate the $3000 (that was specifically promised only to the graduating ones). When they did that, they threw their rules out the window. They promised a reward for a graduating child, then they rewarding the non-graduating children in the same amount. It's the same as the car. They did what was right. You help your kids as you are able. If they have 2 cars, then they can give one to the 4.0 student. The 4.0 student can pay for her wedding or have one her parents can afford (mine cost $1000 and was nice). A wedding is about the vows, not the stuff that costs all the money. If they've done their job with 4.0 kid, she will understand that her parents are not in a situation to give her $8000.

[MaMa2005]

I think this is a great opportunity to talk about life's hardships and how they build character along with faith if they practice one. I had something similar (although not financial) occur in my family when I was in high school and it was a defining moment for me in understanding that life causes hardship sometimes and how to grieve and move on together stronger as a family.

 

:iagree: Very well stated.

[elegantlion]

I voted life is tough, don't get a loan.

 

It sucks, but life changes. Being the youngest I saw a little of that as a growing teen. My sister got the car, I didn't.

 

You know what, 30 years later I buy cars I can afford, my sister goes deeper into debt with each car she buys. Anecdotal, but true. I bought my first car on my own.

 

Parents don't stop being parents once a child moves out. My parents didn't have money to do things for us as kids, they have more than made up for it over the years. My dad still makes a point of saying "This is to help make up for______(insert whatever incident of the past)."

 

If I were the parents I would find ways to help out in years to come, things that will much more appreciated than a car. Maybe start saving a little for the wedding, or to help with household expenses a little over time.

[Sukale]

I voted other. I get that dad can't work. But if it were me I (mom) would get a job to make the $3,000 to get the car. I would save every dime from my check to get the car, then if I didn't like the job I would quit. The wedding money isn't even an issue right now, so I would cross that bridge when I came to it.

[Barb_]

Oops. They broke the Ultimate Parenting Rule: Never Promise Anything (corollary: Too Far in Advance)

 

Are they the type of family who can depend on one another, siblings included? If I found myself in this situation, I would appeal to the older, I'm assuming financially independent, siblings. Maybe they could make it a group effort where everyone chips in what they can to make up the difference?

 

Barb

[Hwin]

If I were the child I would not want to do that to my parents. Does the daughter know how bad the financial situation is?

[Crimson Wife]

Situations change. If I were the child I would be ashamed that my parents put themselves into debt that they can't afford (putting their future solvency at risk) just to buy me a car.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

The kid may be upset at the change in financial circumstances and the fact that the older one lucked out, but that's life.

 

My youngest brother grew up in very different financial circumstances than I did. He got all sorts of things that my folks couldn't afford when I was the same age (trips to Europe and the Caribbean rather than a trip to visit relatives and the use of a Jeep Grand Cherokee rather than the economy Hyundai I had). A certain part of me feels a bit jealous, but as a Christian, I turn to Him to help me reject those sinful thoughts and be less selfish.

[Peela]

If I were the child I would not want to do that to my parents. Does the daughter know how bad the financial situation is?

:iagree:

 

Its hard to say....for us, we would probably do whatever we could just to buy a cheap car, but we would sell something...we wouldn't go into debt.

 

DH promised dd16 a trip to Paris a couple of years ago- for her 16th birthday. Just before things went downhill financially.

Its been a struggle but they are going in a couple of weeks- it has taken that long to get the money and appropriate time together. Dh has apologised to me- he recognises it was a mistake to promise such a thing before the money was actually there- but he still wanted to follow through with it. I am ok with it- I want her to have the experience. We are not going in debt for it but it hasnt been easy.

But it does leave the question of what to do with ds. We simply cant afford to offer him something as expensive. I dont think he expects it either- and we havent promised it- but it has been a concern of mine that he feel neglected because of the whole thing. I am sure it will balance out in the long run though.

[JennyD]

They absolutely should not go into debt to buy the child a car, much less pay for a wedding, IMO. As others have said, things change, life happens.

 

Honestly, it sounds like between the health issues and the financial disaster, these poor folks have way bigger problems than the car.

[Danestress]

I would tell her the truth - that we made a promise that we couldn't keep, that we thought we could keep it when we made it, that a lot of people with debt are in that situation, and that we believe we have a "debt" to her that we can not pay.

 

The wedding I would not worry about.

[jujsky]

This won't be popular... but I'd probably take out a loan and buy her a used car.

 

:iagree: Me too, but I would let her know we wouldn't be able to financially contribute to the wedding. If my financial situation changed in the future, I would help out the last child in other ways (helping w/the down-payment of a house, taking over one of her college loans, etc.).

[Mejane]

:iagree:with Audrey, Barb and Danestress.

[babysparkler]

I think the other 3 siblings should graciously chip in $1,000 each (or the greatest amount financially feasible). They each got their 3K they were promised, and have grown up and moved on.

 

This would be a way of thanking their parents for their financial backing when the children needed it and the parents were in a position to offer the help by in turn helping their parents to avoid further debt in their time of need, while providing their youngest sibling with the same "leg up" they received.

This was my thought as well.:iagree:

[happypamama]

What a tough situation! I think if they really can't do it now, they need to sit down and have a talk with their DD about how things have changed. And then I think they should put her first in their will, and/or help her first in the future as they are able.

[Joanne]

"Sorry, plans changed."

[StephanieZ]

To some degree, a promise is a promise. Unless the change of circumstances was really just within the last few months, I think the parents should follow through. If they've been reiterating these promises recently, even after circumstances had changed, then I think they really must follow through.

 

At $6/hr take home pay, 500 hours will pay for the car. That is 20 hrs/wk for 6 months. Or fulltime for 3 months. Since she is able, Mom should get a job and pay for the car, IMHO. Sounds like they are strapped enough that they could really use the income long term anyway, so she can continue working after paying off the car, and have some extra income for themselves.

 

FWIW, I agree that it'd be nice if the older sibs chipped in and took care of this for the parents, but that'd be very hard to pull off unless OP is one of the siblings and either has plenty of her own $$ to spare or lots of influence over her sibs.

 

:)

[lionfamily1999]

If Mom and Dad are as bad off as it sounds the debt could end up reverting back on their daughter anyway. I voted, "Sorry." My parents are in a similar health/financial situation. At her age, I would probably be angry (woe is me, life is so unfair). Then, when I realize Mom and Dad are having issues making it work from month to month (when Bones Thugs N Harmony's "It's the First of the Month" is the first song that comes to mind when I'm talking to them) I'd feel like a selfish jerk for having been angry in the first place.

 

Things happen, things change. That's life.

 

I agree with the posters that said the promise was a bad thing to do and that the parents have to suck it up. Kids get so much credit for thinking their super heros and it'll never happen to them, but adults can be just as bad.

[OrganicAnn]

I think they should ask the siblings to chip in a little bit (maybe not $1000), but may a few $100 - especially the oldest who got both a car, wedding and is probably more settle in job/life. I would have mom try to get a job. I would cut costs (in case they are still living like they have a larger income). Then come up with a budget for the car. Then all talk together and shop together. Parent take out a modest loan for a car if necessary. If #4 gets a job, then helps pay back loan if possible.

[TechWife]

I have to say this idea of everything given to each child must be equal is tedious.

 

As the youngest of five children, I agree entirely. It also seems that many people equate equal treatment with the identical treatment, and that is not always true. There are many things that parents do that can't be financially quantified.

 

I voted life is tough, don't get a loan. .. life changes. Being the youngest I saw a little of that as a growing teen. My sister got the car, I didn't.

In my case, my older brothers & sisters were able to participate in little league, had dance lessons, etc. By the time I came along, there were more mouths to feed & I didn't get those things. When I reached my teen years, the olders were out on their own & I then took some music lessons, did marching band, etc.

 

As far as cars go, my oldest brothers & sisters lived in a city with public transportation when they were teens. They were within walking distance to school, work and a few city bus stops. They did not need cars. By the time I had a drivers license, we had moved to a rural area with no public transportation. In addition, I was needed to work in the family business after school. It saved my parents a lot of time & money for me to have a car. My parents bought my next older brother a car to use & we shared it until he was able to buy his own, then it was mine to use. I will say this, my parents retained the title to the car until it was totaled in a car accident. They then graciously let me use the $500 insurance payment as a down payment on a car for which I carried the loan.

 

Situations can change. The parents were wealthy when they gave to the siblings - now they are not. The kid needs to deal with it

 

:iagree:

I would not advise an older adult to go into debt to buy things - not even a car for the kid. He is young, he can work.

 

Again, :iagree:. It just isn't a reasonable risk to expect an older parent to take. There is much more at stake than a car for them - it's their financial future.

 

FWIW, I think a student with a 4.0 GPA has other reasons -- beyond the promise of a mere car -- to work hard at academics.

 

Probably so. I know that I worked hard getting grades so that I could eventually be an independent adult (college, career, etc.).

 

Then they should simply tell her what their situation is, why they didn't plan ahead better (be honest), why it was so hard for them to accept the downward slide,

I agree. An apology for not planning better and not being honest about their financial situation is in order.

 

and how they will do everything they possibly can to help her get launched into adulthood...

I diverge here. I think that if they have been loving, attentive parents who have made the best decisions that they knew how to make, that they have already done what they could to launch her into adulthood. The rest is up to her - she's an adult now. Any future financial support is icing on the cake.

 

I must say that my answers are very different now than they would have been xxx years ago when I was finishing high school. I don't think I would have seen the parents point of view quite so much. Time and maturity will lend perspective, however.

[Dad 4 Boys]

"Sorry, plans changed."

 

Ditto