maddykate Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 So, you know the sad situation we have been dealing with regarding bil (and his building/not fiinishing our house), how to pay him, mil acting ridiculous, and sick nephew. Well, now we have another WWYD question.... We have unexpectedly come into a substantial amount of money (at least, it is substantail to us). It is $10,000. We were notified of this money on the same day the poop hit the fan with bil/mil. My dh is feeling lead to give the entire amount of money to his brother. The whole $10,000. He feels that if we do something "big" to help his family that we will have resolution and can live in peace with them; that they will never be able to say that we are more concerned with money than family. He wants to give something so they know we love them and are in this fight for nephew together and that nothing is more important than family. I am completely torn. I have strong feelings on both sides of this. Part of me thinks that no matter the amount that we gift them, they will never change their opinion of us. Also, part of me still feels extremely angry about how they are treating us and how they feel about us. Giving them money that we could use to finish this house project may not change anything. I struggle with thinking that they are "winning" and we are buying ourselves back into their good graces, when no one is concerned about getting back into our good graces. I also think we are being naive if we think they will change their ways by this act, but my dh thinks we are proving that we are not the moeny-hungry people they are claiming us to be. I think if it isn't this situation, then another one would be fabricated to create stress. Also, I think of a million ways that we could really use that money ourselves and how angry I will be if we do this and it doesn't help the situation. One the other hand, this money is not something that we had ever even thought about, much less counted on. It is completely like it dropped down from Heaven. We have been praying for us to find a way to resolve this issue and now, my dh feels convinced this is the way. It would be a HUGE blessing to his brother and his family and could help ease a financial burden, not just pay him for services he did or did not earn. If we do this, I want to be able to give BIL the money freely and with no expectations, and with my whole heart. I will truly have to pray that my heart be changed, so that I don't harbor ill-feelings if they continue to treat us this way. A little background that I have never mentioned before: the land that we own is a large portion of dh's family's farm. In 2004, fil/mil were in terrible financial shape and were going to lose the entire farm. To keep that from happening, dh and I bought 90 acres, which allowed them to keep the rest of the property and their house. BIL owns 10 acres and has a house on his property. So, I am mentioning this to show that even though we "saved" them from losing everything, they are so quick to forget that and judge us as money-hungry and unscrupulous. My dh's point is that with this current money situation, is that it is an outright gift. We would get nothing in return, so they can't say that we are benefiting from it at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tntgoodwin Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I would maybe try to give it anonymously. I am afraid your bil would reject it as charity, but can't return it if he doesn't know where it came from. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lolly Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 The world is an odd place. People have odd reactions to being saved. Believe it or not, everyone hates a hero. Saving people by giving them money or buying them out of a bad situation will usually lead to resentment. It puts the giver in a position above the recipient. If you truly want to help your brother out, a gift of money would need to come anonymously if you do not want to cause more ill feelings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shelly in IL Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 (edited) In my experience with bad family situations, things rarely go the way you think (hope) they will. In fact, I'm frequently the bad guy :confused:, and things never change unless i completely humble myself and accept what they want me to accept (that it was my fault or whatever). Good luck. Could you split the money and just give brother half? Be prepared to give that money freely if you give it. I know you are. It would just be so hard with giving that kind of money... Praying for a change of your family's hearts. (your extended family, i mean) Edited March 17, 2011 by Shelly in IL Clarification Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plansrme Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Everyone's being too nice here--I am so not in a mood for that today, so I'm just going to tell you, since you asked, that your husband needs to grow a backbone. You and your children are his family now. "Leave and cleave," as they say. His primary loyalty should be to you and your children and your needs, not his brother's or parents' needs. Besides, even if you give the money, nothing will change, except that you'll be out $10,000. Keep it. Finish your house. Break or minimize ties with scamming/scheming/bratty relatives. Terri Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Oh, no. You can't buy love and acceptance. You certainly should not reward bad behavior. If he wants to give it away, give it to whatever foundation studies the type of disease nephew has in nephew's name. Otherwise, keep that money for your own children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyfaithe Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I wouldn't do it. Nope. Not because I am being mean...but because if you hand over 10,000 they will think you are rolling in the dough and confirm the fact that you really had all this money (in their minds,) and you were really holding out on them. They will obviously not listen to you dh...and any explanation of your sacrifice will go unheeded. I might put a part of it aside and wait for a true need of your nephew and then go in and take care of that specific need... but just handing over `$10,000 as an "I'll show him I care" is just going to backfire. It won't heal anything and that money can go towards your next step, since you are not going with plan A. Good luck and blessings of peace, Faithe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zookeeperof3 Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Oh, no. You can't buy love and acceptance. You certainly should not reward bad behavior. If he wants to give it away, give it to whatever foundation studies the type of disease nephew has in nephew's name. Otherwise, keep that money for your own children. :iagree: Chucki said it better than I could. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EJCMom Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 No amount of money will convince people that you care if they are determined to believe that you don't. It's interesting that they are fracturing the relationship over money, yet they accuse you all of only caring about money. That right there should tell you what their reaction would be to the gift. I would use the money to finish the house. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 No. This money will NOT have the effect dh dreams of. The gift will be twisted, and you will be in more pain than you were to start. Finish the house or use the money for something else. Is your land and house paid off? Stop interacting with the relatives about the whole sad situation, unless you want to write a letter that simply says, "Lies are being told about us, and it hurts. If you want to know the truth, you know where we are." Keep it that brief, and do not deviate from that message at all unless or until someone indicates a genuine willingness to hear your side (which may never happen). :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebecca VA Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Yes, I would do it. I would explain to BIL exactly what you've explained to us. Didn't you say earlier that BIL has some medical debts that he's worried about? Worry and fear make people do horrible things. Surely he realizes (secretly) that he's in the wrong. He's just talking himself into being angry because he's so afraid of losing the money. By making this extravagent gesture, you will put all the ugliness to rest. It might take BIL a little while to calm down and deal with his pride, but he should come around. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheres Toto Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I agree with the "don't do it" sentiments. If you give the money anonymously, it won't help the relationship any. If you give it openly, it may just lead to more resentment and they will claim you are "lording" over them. From your previous posts, I don't see how BIL really believes that you are at fault anyway. He knows he didn't do the work, he knows he doesn't deserve the payment. He still bad-mouthed you to the entire family and neighborhood. I think he'd find a way to turn the money gift into a bad thing, or at least use it to prove you were wrong before (that its your guilty conscience causing you to give them the money). You said there seemed to be a lot of resentment towards you and your family that was there before the problem with the work on the house, that the latest situation just caused it to come out. Without getting to the roots of that resentment, I doubt there's any chance of fixing things, even if you had $1 million to give them. It might even make it worse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
K-FL Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 No amount of money will convince people that you care if they are determined to believe that you don't. It's interesting that they are fracturing the relationship over money, yet they accuse you all of only caring about money. That right there should tell you what their reaction would be to the gift. I would use the money to finish the house. :iagree: No amount will satisfy. They've hardened their hearts toward you & yours and dh is just going to have to adjust, painful as it will be. Since your house is unfinished, that seems where the "gift" should go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kchara Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I wouldn't do it. Nope. Not because I am being mean...but because if you hand over 10,000 they will think you are rolling in the dough and confirm the fact that you really had all this money (in their minds,) and you were really holding out on them. They will obviously not listen to you dh...and any explanation of your sacrifice will go unheeded. I might put a part of it aside and wait for a true need of your nephew and then go in and take care of that specific need...but just handing over `$10,000 as an "I'll show him I care" is just going to backfire. It won't heal anything and that money can go towards your next step, since you are not going with plan A. Good luck and blessings of peace, Faithe :iagree: Yep. Been there, done that, to about the same amount you're dealing with. It backfired. Now, my brother and I don't speak at all, and I'm working on major resentment issues regarding the whole situation. I really, REALLY wouldn't do it. I would put the money into the house instead. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Your first priority is your immediate family: you and your DH & your kids. Set that money aside for a nest egg. Disease/illness/disaster/catastrophe can strike at any moment and that money can help ease your family in troubled times. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlsdMama Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Have you sincerely prayed for guidance rather than what *I* would probably do which is, "Dear God, I don't see why we should have to...." :D We always can have a reason to NOT do something. Sometimes it's even totally justifiable and a perfectly acceptable and good reason! But if it's something other than what God would have us do, there's a problem there. I'm not saying this is what God would have you do, but it's something to think on. Pray for an open heart and guidance. :bigear: Then obey. That's all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gooblink Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 One the other hand, this money is not something that we had ever even thought about, much less counted on. It is completely like it dropped down from Heaven. We have been praying for us to find a way to resolve this issue and now, my dh feels convinced this is the way. It would be a HUGE blessing to his brother and his family and could help ease a financial burden, not just pay him for services he did or did not earn. My gut reaction is to agree with your dh. If we do this, I want to be able to give BIL the money freely and with no expectations, and with my whole heart. I will truly have to pray that my heart be changed, so that I don't harbor ill-feelings if they continue to treat us this way. I will pray with you on this. I know how difficult this will be, really. My dh's point is that with this current money situation, is that it is an outright gift. We would get nothing in return, so they can't say that we are benefiting from it at all. Another reason you must be completely at peace in your heart about the decision. Your gift may or may not change anything. However, if your dh is right and you both trust God with this money - I believe you will be blessed beyond your expectation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I wouldn't do it. Nope. Not because I am being mean...but because if you hand over 10,000 they will think you are rolling in the dough and confirm the fact that you really had all this money (in their minds,) and you were really holding out on them. They will obviously not listen to you dh...and any explanation of your sacrifice will go unheeded. I might put a part of it aside and wait for a true need of your nephew and then go in and take care of that specific need...but just handing over `$10,000 as an "I'll show him I care" is just going to backfire. It won't heal anything and that money can go towards your next step, since you are not going with plan A. Good luck and blessings of peace, Faithe THIS! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeneralMom Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I'm sorry but I am going to be brutal about this: 1) BIL didn't do the work and still wants money 2) because BIL didn't do work (with understandable reasons) you are $20,000 over budget, so in essence, BIL cost you $20,000 3) now, you get $10,000 that can help cover the amount that BIL cost you, but your DH wants to give it to BIL, in essence raising the amount BIL has "cost" you to $30,000? No way would I even consider it. BIL will not appreciate the money and will most likely resent it and thing of it as DH trying to buy his good reputation back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Did BIL ever explain why he feels he is owed money for work he didn't perform? And why does everyone believe HIS version of events over your husband's? In any case, if you want to give them the remaining 2K that he would've gotten had he completed the work, that would be as far as I would take it. To give any more seems like you're bribing them to preserve the relationship, which has a high probability of backfiring. I definitely would NOT let them know you came into this extra money. That will somehow be used against you. What if you sat down with your mother and father in law and explained you decided to give him the extra 2K to preserve the peace, and see what their reaction is to that? (before you do it) I'd want to know the complete extent of the wrongs they feel you've committed so you know just how far from reality their impression is. The 2K is optional, but that's the absolute limit of what I'd pay BIL. What's so important about BIL's opinion that everyone seems to want to placate him no matter what? Why is his anger more important than your own? Someone has been wronged here, but it isn't BIL. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 How easily do you hear God? Because that's the only opinion you need. If you can pray and hear God, then you need to do what God tells you. If you don't hear him easily...then maybe you need to wait before doing ANYthing with the money, until you have a clear answer. That's what I would do. I'd pray to get clear instruction from God now, or wait until I did. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dobela Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I would not give them the money. I can just see them saying later, "Well, they didn't want to give us $2K and now suddenly they have $10K they want to give us?? " I think the relationship is already very damaged. Throwing more money at them won't help heal the pain. Only time can do that. You want them to like you because you are you, not because you are giving them this huge gift. I wouldn't give them the money for several reasons - but the biggest may be that God could be giving you money to help pay for the house or to help you move away or to give you a much needed nest egg. Or to help you pay some bill that is upcoming that you don't know about. Or, since you just received it, agree to put it in savings untouched for a period of time - 6 months or a year for example - and then decide what to do. No decision should be made when emotions of all involved are so high. In a few months you can have a clearer picture of what you want to do and it won't be a knee jerk reaction. You may decide to give it all to the brother then, or you may not. But it will be a well thought out decision that is made with a clearer mind I hope. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kamom Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 You have to really pray if you feel like God gave you the money for this situation. Would it help to get other relatives involved who could mediate and explain the whole situation to bil? Maybe some family memeber that knows the whole situation and knows you bil well. We once tried, to no avail, to please a guy that dh was building a house for. It ended up costing us a mortgage and we still ended up with an enemy. Believe me, there are people you can never. please. unreasonable. selfish with no conscience. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arghmatey Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 No. I didn't read or even see your very first post, but if you have paid him the agreed amount, then you and DH need to put on your big girl panties and move forward. By giving him the money, you are creating a precedent: anyone can kick up a tantrum and guilt-trip on you, and you will cave and give them money. Goodness. Put them all on a time out until they are ready to behave like adults, starting with letting you handle your own affairs (dealing with BIL without guilt-laden, emotional interference from others). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michelle My Bell Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 There is no way any of us could answer this for you. This is not simply a matter of opinion. I think you need to seek reconciliation with the family with the money put aside first of all. Then, as you do all you can to seek forgiveness on both sides for the way things happened, and to show compassion for each other you should at that point seek God and His will for the money. I think at this point, God will make it very clear what you should do. I can't think of any instances in the Bible where God used money to mend broken relationships. That only comes from a change in heart. I think you should start there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Oh, no. You can't buy love and acceptance. You certainly should not reward bad behavior. If he wants to give it away, give it to whatever foundation studies the type of disease nephew has in nephew's name. Otherwise, keep that money for your own children. :iagree: Everyone's being too nice here--I am so not in a mood for that today, so I'm just going to tell you, since you asked, that your husband needs to grow a backbone. You and your children are his family now. "Leave and cleave," as they say. His primary loyalty should be to you and your children and your needs, not his brother's or parents' needs. Besides, even if you give the money, nothing will change, except that you'll be out $10,000. Keep it. Finish your house. Break or minimize ties with scamming/scheming/bratty relatives. Terri :iagree: No amount of money is going to change the relationship. And *if* these ppl could be bought, are they really ppl you want in your lives? I don't understand at all paying someone for a job they didn't do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I would say only give the money if you are 100% sure that you won't be angry or even a tiny bit hurt when he doesn't change his opinion of you and resents you even more. Because that is the probable outcome. He has had time to reflect on the value of family while his son has been sick and he has shown that he does not value family. He values money, and believe it or not, he is obviously going to take the money he didn't earn, and he is going to be angry at your for making him prove that he is wrong. That said, maybe God wants you to give the money. But it doesn't mean that it will fix your problem. I have seen a lot over time, my dad's sisters just gave him $25,000 that they could really use, all of them have husbands in ministry, and he has been nothing but wasteful, and he is mad they haven't given more. I'm guessing your BIL will also be angry that it isn't more, or enough and he will be mad about having to take it from you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GreenKitty Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 :iagree: :iagree: No amount of money is going to change the relationship. And *if* these ppl could be bought, are they really ppl you want in your lives? I don't understand at all paying someone for a job they didn't do. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 It's Lent, and I'm only posting about very challenging humanitarian or spiritual issues. I have read all your posts, and this last one has really struck me. I believe that your DH may be feeling led but by a motive that he has not identified, rather than by God. I think that he may be hoping that the gift of this money is going to heal his relationship with his brother and the rest of the family and community, and that that may account for his feelings of being 'led'. Unless and until he lets go of that hope, he should be very cautious about this gift. Because it's a gift with hopes so strong (albeit righteous) that it amounts to a gift with strings attached. Strings always seem to cause resentment. I encourage you to pray that this money be a blessing whereever it ends up, and to pray for the restoration of relationships within the family and community. And I encourage you not to decide what to do with the money until your sense of God's guidance is absolutely clear and separate from any hope of healing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebecca VA Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 That was beautiful, Carol, and so true. I was using my own feelings and experiences when I posted my reply. If BIL chooses not to forgive, would the OP's husband still feel that he had done the right thing? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LizzyBee Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I would pay the remaining $2,000 on the contract even though bil didn't finish the contract, and maybe another $500 as a gift toward nephew's hospital bills. Have dh write a note to send with the check and say what he said to you about the importance of family etc. No way would I give the entire $10k. That's trying to buy love and relationship, and you can't do that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen500 Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I would put the money away for emergencies, retirement, or college funds. It doesn't seem as if your family would be willing/able to help you with any of these situations. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kwg Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Maybe you and dh could wait and make no decision for a while. Give everyone a chance to calm down. Has dh tried to talk to his mom again? I imagine if mine called me up all upset I might jump at a chance to "fix it for good"...but how is he going to feel if nothing changes or it makes everything worse? :grouphug: Honestly from an outsider point of view it is odd- why should he get paid for a job he did not do? MAybe you answered that and I missed it. A long time ago we lived away from our families and somehow forgot how wack-a-doo they were. Or they did not seems as bad because distnace made them...more agreeable. When we moved back, it took a few years for us to set boundaries, work through it......we even got a letter that said my MIL wasn't going to talk to us! zBut we got it all straight and things are tolerable now. May not apply to you but it is what the situation reminded me of......if you all still want to give it to them after you have lived there a few years :lol: then do it. If nothing else, I would make sure that everyone had heard your side of the story...otherwise it seems like guilt money or something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink Fairy Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 No. Way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LittleIzumi Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 How easily do you hear God? Because that's the only opinion you need. If you can pray and hear God, then you need to do what God tells you. If you don't hear him easily...then maybe you need to wait before doing ANYthing with the money, until you have a clear answer. That's what I would do. I'd pray to get clear instruction from God now, or wait until I did. :iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bzymom Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I suspect the issue(s) which have been brought forward during these weeks are a symptom of underlying problems within d/h's family. A dynamic wherein the brother who has not completed his share of a bargain is martyred and the brother who has had to pay another to complete this job is a villain is not one that will be helped by money. I know you are trying to give this money with pure intentions, and without strings, but since your husband's family has so twisted his actions to date, it is very likely they will do so in this instance as well. It could further erode this family relationship if they decide he is showing off, or some other ridiculous nonsense. Put the money away, and sit with it awhile. Let some of this drama shake out, and give you and your d/h time to make decisions about the property, and your future. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Not only do I agree with the posters below, after all you have said, I would be hell bent on selling and moving off the family farm. That is just way too close to the insanity for my daily comfort. Seriously. If money doesn't matter to them, which I find highly unlikely, then they don't need yours. You would be the same or better off flushing it down the toilet than giving it to the bil. Everyone's being too nice here--I am so not in a mood for that today, so I'm just going to tell you, since you asked, that your husband needs to grow a backbone. You and your children are his family now. "Leave and cleave," as they say. His primary loyalty should be to you and your children and your needs, not his brother's or parents' needs. Besides, even if you give the money, nothing will change, except that you'll be out $10,000. Keep it. Finish your house. Break or minimize ties with scamming/scheming/bratty relatives. Terri Oh, no. You can't buy love and acceptance. You certainly should not reward bad behavior. If he wants to give it away, give it to whatever foundation studies the type of disease nephew has in nephew's name. Otherwise, keep that money for your own children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AFwife Claire Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I would say only give the money if you are 100% sure that you won't be angry or even a tiny bit hurt when he doesn't change his opinion of you and resents you even more. Because that is the probable outcome. He has had time to reflect on the value of family while his son has been sick and he has shown that he does not value family. He values money, and believe it or not, he is obviously going to take the money he didn't earn, and he is going to be angry at your for making him prove that he is wrong. That said, maybe God wants you to give the money. But it doesn't mean that it will fix your problem. I have seen a lot over time, my dad's sisters just gave him $25,000 that they could really use, all of them have husbands in ministry, and he has been nothing but wasteful, and he is mad they haven't given more. I'm guessing your BIL will also be angry that it isn't more, or enough and he will be mad about having to take it from you. I really agree with this. We were in a very similar situation. One of Dh's brothers was going through a tough financial situation last May, and he was about to lose his house. We had just gotten a very large tax refund (because active duty base pay isn't taxed and we have a ton of dependents), and so we gave the money to him. Dh was also hopeful this would help them become closer, be a good testimony, etc. BIL was thankful and even said he would pay us back, although we have actually gotten very little back. What ended up happening is that all of Dh's family pretty much assumes now that we are rolling in dough, and that BIL was entitled to what we gave, since he has less. Of course, he lives in a MUCH lower cost-of-living area, and we have 4X the number of kids he has, not to mention Dh has worked very hard to get to where he is, and we are incredibly frugal, esp. compared to the rest of Dh's family. Unfortunately, they choose to ignore the sacrifices we make (buying all clothes used, rarely eating out, not taking cruises and expensive vacations, not having big flatscreen TVs or iphones, etc.). and just think of it as unfair. Also, it is very easy to spend someone else's money. Your husband must not assume that his brother will spend your money to pay off debts or whatever! They may very well see this as a windfall to them and buy a new car or go on vacation. That is very hard to see, that's for sure, and it has happened in a smaller scale than new cars, etc. with Dh's brother. And frankly, Dh is working hard to not be resentful that BIL is giving his kids stuff that we can't afford for our own (like iphones)--with our money! And the relationship between Dh and BIL has not become closer at all. If anything, BIL has stepped back. I'm sure he's embarrassed or something, but still, it's hard, because that was not Dh's intention at all. Giving money definitely didn't solve any problems, and in fact created some new ones. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5wolfcubs Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 If I felt one of my siblings had "wronged" me and then offered me money, I'd probably take the money (feeling I was "owed") and continue to harbor my bitterness. I feel bad even saying that but I'm pretty sure that is how I'd react. :( Note to self: do not financially entangle with siblings! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amey311 Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I would be very hesitant to do this. It smacks of "buying someone's love" and I fear that it might be interpreted as such. That might not stop your family from taking the money (because money is money), but it might not change the hard feelings because for so many people it will look like you're giving them the money so they will love you again. As if you are so wealthy that when you have an argument with someone, you can just write a check and expect that all negative feelings will be erased. It can create further bad feelings in both parties: The person receiving the money is now more bitter (how nice that they have $10K they can just throw around like this, what kind of jerk thinks that cash can erase all the wrong that's been done to me, etc) The person giving the money is now angry (i thought giving this money would fix everything and they're STILL upset?!, why can't they just let this go? what exactly do they want from me in order to get things repaired? etc). It's a very murky mess, this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amey311 Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Oh, and if you think you want to do a good deed and pay the medical bills, it might be possible to pay the hospital/doctor's office directly. With HIPPA, you might not be able to find out that information, but that's an option. Particularly if you WILL care what BIL does with the money. DH says he's giving it freely, but will he be upset if it's spent on "fluff" rather than on debt or medical care? You can't make people be responsible with money you're giving them as a gift. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Everyone's being too nice here--I am so not in a mood for that today, so I'm just going to tell you, since you asked, that your husband needs to grow a backbone. You and your children are his family now. "Leave and cleave," as they say. His primary loyalty should be to you and your children and your needs, not his brother's or parents' needs. Besides, even if you give the money, nothing will change, except that you'll be out $10,000. Keep it. Finish your house. Break or minimize ties with scamming/scheming/bratty relatives. Terri I agree. Maybe the money was sent because you may need it yourself soon for some reason!!!!! If Bil was meant to have the money, it would have been "sent" to him in the first place. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plink Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 The world is an odd place. People have odd reactions to being saved. Believe it or not, everyone hates a hero. Saving people by giving them money or buying them out of a bad situation will usually lead to resentment. It puts the giver in a position above the recipient. If you truly want to help your brother out, a gift of money would need to come anonymously if you do not want to cause more ill feelings. I didn't read all the replies, so forgive me if I'm repeating, but the above is EXACTLY what we have experienced. Gifts of help have been turned into "You have more therefore you are more obligated to always help - and how dare you judge us for having less" Have you considered contacting BIL and telling him that his debt/obligation is forgiven. Then quietly using the rest of the money to finish the job with another contractor? It lets BIL off the hook without you having to actually "give" him anything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dangermom Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I think you'd have to be very, very certain that God was telling you to do this. Because IMO it's almost sure to backfire, and will not have the results that your husband is hoping for. It's much more likely to foster resentment and do further damage. No one is going to believe that you just happened to get an unexpected $10K so conveniently. Over the years, we have given quite a lot of money to my in-laws. They needed it, and I don't grudge it, but it has not helped our relationship one bit. Indeed, my FIL has accused my husband of being greedy and said some very hurtful things about money. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Socalmom Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I don't post often but have been thinking a lot about this situation. I hate having any family tension and tend to be a peacemaker. I have learned over the years to keep family and business totally separate. We invested in a family member's business a couple of years ago. We examined the business plan and signed a legal agreement spelling out all terms and conditions as if we were any outside investor. We also only put in what we felt we could afford to lose and not cause a hardship to our family if the business is not successful. It is totally separate from our personal relationship. I agree that giving him the money would not help. I would send a note to BIL saying "I'm sorry for your pain. What can we do to make this right?" Don't say anything else. You are not admitting that you did anything wrong or explaining your side of the story, only asking how can you mend the rift in the relationship. I would not involve any other family members. If MIL calls, tell her it is between you and BIL and change the subject. You can decide from his response (or lack of response) how to proceed. :grouphug::grouphug: to you! It will be hard to choose whether living near them will be a good thing for your family. The farm and new house sound wonderful but may not be worth the continuing family drama. Margie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LostSurprise Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Lots of good posts. I also think this will bring the entire issue back up, not put it to rest. Everyone will assume that you always had the money and were just holding out, especially if how you got it is really unexpected. Be thankful for a big hearted husband, and ask that the money be put away for a time (invested, in savings). If your BIL needs help with medical bills, it might be better to parcel out *small* amounts later, as needed...not a large lump sum. I don't think the money will bring the family back together but it might help nephew. With small amounts, dh can see how BIL reacts as well. Either his feeling will be confirmed or disproved. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom0012 Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I wouldn't do it. Lisa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Veritaserum Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Everyone's being too nice here--I am so not in a mood for that today, so I'm just going to tell you, since you asked, that your husband needs to grow a backbone. You and your children are his family now. "Leave and cleave," as they say. His primary loyalty should be to you and your children and your needs, not his brother's or parents' needs. Besides, even if you give the money, nothing will change, except that you'll be out $10,000. Keep it. Finish your house. Break or minimize ties with scamming/scheming/bratty relatives. Terri :iagree: But my opinion is colored by the gifts we have given to members of Dh's family (tens of thousands of dollars and space in our home). A few weeks ago I finally put my foot down because there seems to be no end to what dh is willing to sacrifice in order to help his parents/siblings. He was giving so much that it was hurting me and our children. When we communicated to his parents that we needed them to continue on without our assistance, MIL threw all of my sacrifices back in my face. She later apologized, but it doesn't leave me in a charitable mood. Anyway, I've learned the hard way that it is not always good to mix charity and extended family. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Not only do I agree with the posters below, after all you have said, I would be hell bent on selling and moving off the family farm. That is just way too close to the insanity for my daily comfort. Seriously. If money doesn't matter to them, which I find highly unlikely, then they don't need yours. You would be the same or better off flushing it down the toilet than giving it to the bil. :iagree:I wouldn't want to live near "family" that treated me that way, and I sure wouldn't pay them for the privilege either. I don't see how giving them money is going to improve the relationship at all. If they think you're greedy now, they will continue to think so and worse if more money complicates the relationship further. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5kidsforME Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I haven't read the whole thread so I apologize if this has already been said. The only reason you should give them the money is if you are certain the Lord wants you to. Do not do it if you have any expectations on the outcome other then being content for obeying Him. IMO it sounds like your dh is doing it for the wrong reasons. If you are doing it for any orthe reason then obeying Him, then it will not work out the way you want or think you want it to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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