My parents are selling their home and buying a camper and I can't be supportive of this, help....

[Ann.without.an.e]

They are excited about their sudden big plan to sell their home and buy a camper and be nomads. They are 62 and 65 so not 70's or 80's (thankfully) but this is stressing me out, y'all. My dad opted out of social security since he's a pastor and they have no retirement savings. My dad will retire and my mom will need to quit her job (she's been the primary wage earner the last few years). And they will galavant, I guess? They have never even camped. We used to camp and my dad would say that he would never do that because he needs an air conditioned condo for vacations. Granted, a camper has more amenities. They don't really have savings. They expect to clear around 100k from the sell of their home but they need to use a portion of that to buy a camper and truck to tow it. My mom can't even stand to be with my dad that much? What is she thinking?

My brother and sister are still very dependent on my parents (at 28 and 35) and they are not mentally or physical handicapped, they are just entitled. They give, give to my siblings and don't even care to spend much time with us but I know from convo that they totally depend on me to pick up the pieces and take care of this mess later. I know they view me as their safety net but we are struggling to save for our own retirement and that is stressing me out. My mom was 17 when she had me and I'm just so tired of feeling like the adult. I take care of everyone, I host all holidays, and I'm the only one they would fall back on. I asked "what happens when you're tired of traveling?" and my dad said "we'll just park it at your place and live with you".  My dad doesn't even like to be around us, lol. He is too unsettled, always ready to leave, his values don't necessarily align with ours.

I'm mostly just venting because I know this is totally out of my control. They are determined to do it. I've watched them make one stupid financial decision after another and I was already nervous about how to take care of them in their older years. My hope was that they should have low cost housing. But they won't have that if they sell and then have to buy again in this market and with these interest rates. 

How can I be more supportive?? 

Edited January 11, 2023 by Ann.without.an.e

[Lecka]

There is no need for you the be supportive of this.  

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

I’d just smile and nod.  Once they start actually researching, they’ll probably find that a camper and a truck cost more than they’re expecting and will eat up most of the 100K.

This is actually a dream of mine  and DH’s, but we already have the camper and truck.

[Corraleno]

I would not even pretend to be "supportive" of a plan that is going to ruin your own life! I would be totally upfront with them and tell then in no uncertain terms that moving in with you is NOT an option, because that is exactly what's going to happen in a year (or less) if they go through with this. You have the right to set boundaries and protect your own family.

[Ann.without.an.e]

Just now, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

I’d just smile and nod.  Once they start actually researching, they’ll probably find that a camper and a truck cost more than they’re expecting and will eat up most of the 100K.

This is actually a dream of mine  and DH’s, but we already have the camper and truck.

I think it is a great dream, if you have a retirement plan and have sat down and crunched the numbers. They have not. They are willy nilly about it all. They are hoping to buy a camper today and are traveling to Tennessee to look at it. They are looking at an older camper, which doesn't make me feel any better. 

[marbel]

2 minutes ago, Corraleno said:

I would not even pretend to be "supportive" of a plan that is going to ruin your own life! I would be totally upfront with them and tell then in no uncertain terms that moving in with you is NOT an option, because that is exactly what's going to happen in a year (or less) if they go through with this. You have the right to set boundaries and protect your own family.

This exactly. "No, you are not going to park your camper at my house and live here. You need to come up with a better plan because what you are proposing is not happening."  I'd put it in writing too so there can't be a claim of "misunderstanding" later. 

I mean, it's going to be hard. It wouldn't be easy for me to say that to my parents. But they have no right to expect you to support them after their vagabond dream falls apart.  

[Pawz4me]

I'm sorry. That's a really bad decision on their part. Sure there are a lot of full timers who truly love it, but I've never heard of someone who had never camped deciding on that lifestyle. Almost always it's people who have camped/RV'd for many years who go on to decide to do it full time.

[ScoutTN]

Agree on clarifying, probably in writing, what is not going to happen when their plan falls apart.

Sorry you are in this situation! 

Edited January 11, 2023 by ScoutTN

[Soror]

Egads. What a horrible idea. I agree with the ladies I'd not pretend I was supportive. I'm not good at faking it anyway. I'd also clarify that moving in with you is not an option. It would be another thing it they ended up without a home through no fault of their own and you got along but this is entirely their doing.

[catz]

Maybe your parents are looking for a graceful and low conflict way of cutting those siblings loose.  I would let them know parking the camper at your house won’t work for you.  Set your boundaries firmly now.   
 

I wouldn't express my opinion on the rest of it unless asked but if I’d shut down any inclusion of your help immediately.   I don’t think you have to be supportive at all.  Good luck with that, parking at our house isn’t an option for us but good luck send a post card now and again.  

Edited January 11, 2023 by catz

[popmom]

20 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

 

My brother and sister are still very dependent on my parents (at 28 and 35) and they are not mentally or physical handicapped, they are just entitled. They give, give to my siblings and don't even care to spend much time with us but I know from convo that they totally depend on me to pick up the pieces and take care of this mess later. I know they view me as their safety net but we are struggling to save for our own retirement and that is stressing me out. My mom was 17 when she had me and I'm just so tired of feeling like the adult. I take care of everyone, I host all holidays, and I'm the only one they would fall back on. I asked "what happens when you're tired of traveling?" and my dad said "we'll just park it at your place and live with you".  My dad doesn't even like to be around us, lol. He is too unsettled, always ready to leave, his values don't necessarily align with ours.

I'm mostly just venting because I know this is totally out of my control. They are determined to do it. I've watched them make one stupid financial decision after another

First…you can’t control them but you can control your response as stated above. Let them clean up the mess. I highly recommend a good counselor to help you practice for what is coming.

Your siblings…any chance your parents are doing this as a way to cut the cord there? 
 

I’m sorry that you are dealing with this. I’m frustrated with you!

Edited January 11, 2023 by popmom

[popmom]

18 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

I think it is a great dream, if you have a retirement plan and have sat down and crunched the numbers. They have not. They are willy nilly about it all. They are hoping to buy a camper today and are traveling to Tennessee to look at it. They are looking at an older camper, which doesn't make me feel any better. 

So they’ve never owned a camper? Because—wow—their dreams are about to be crushed. 😭 Are either of them very handy with tools and repairs? 

[Tanaqui]

Well. The camper thing may be out of your control, but it certainly IS in your control to say "No. You cannot come to my house and stay with me. That is not an option." and stick to that.

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

3 minutes ago, popmom said:

So they’ve never owned a camper? Because—wow—their dreams are about to be crushed. 😭 Are either of them very handy with tools and repairs? 

We owned two older campers our first ten years of marriage.  When we outgrew the last one, DH was adamant that we buy only a new camper with a roof warranty.  He was tired of repairs.

[fraidycat]

You don't need to be supportive. 
 

Set the boundary that they cannot park the camper at your place and tell them good luck, because they're going to need it.

If you live in a city, town, or neighbourhood vs. owning lots of land out in the country, there might be rules against living in a camper in a zoned residential area. I'd be hunting down every bylaw against and keeping them in my back pocket.

Hugs. I hope they come to their senses before they go through with this.

Edited January 11, 2023 by fraidycat

[Ann.without.an.e]

36 minutes ago, Pawz4me said:

I'm sorry. That's a really bad decision on their part. Sure there are a lot of full timers who truly love it, but I've never heard of someone who had never camped deciding on that lifestyle. Almost always it's people who have camped/RV'd for many years who go on to decide to do it full time.

It really doesn't make much sense. And my dad is the type of person to book a 5 night vacation and leave after 3 because he's ready to be home, in the familiar. I just can't see them liking this? Maybe I'm wrong but it seems so untested. 

 

 

33 minutes ago, catz said:

Maybe your parents are looking for a graceful and low conflict way of cutting those siblings loose.  I would let them know parking the camper at your house won’t work for you.  Set your boundaries firmly now.   
 

I wouldn't express my opinion on the rest of it unless asked but if I’d shut down any inclusion of your help immediately.   

 

 

29 minutes ago, popmom said:

First…you can’t control them but you can control your response as stated above. Let them clean up the mess. I highly recommend a good counselor to help you practice for what is coming.

Your siblings…any chance your parents are doing this as a way to cut the cord there? 
 

I’m sorry that you are dealing with this. I’m frustrated with you!

I've wondered about this some? If maybe it isn't a last ditch effort to force my siblings to figure life out? My dad called me in December with this whole plan and in the convo said he was on the marketplace website signing my sibs up for insurance because they need to be more independent.  Neither of them have ever had insurance and my parents just pay their medical bills. 

 

 

24 minutes ago, popmom said:

So they’ve never owned a camper? Because—wow—their dreams are about to be crushed. 😭 Are either of them very handy with tools and repairs? 

 

 

 

No, they've never even been in one, borrowed one, etc. They've never camped ... ever. It makes no sense lol. 

Edited January 11, 2023 by Ann.without.an.e

[prairiewindmomma]

Maybe it’s not about camping and it is about anxiety about what retirement will look like for them? It sounds like anxiety driven decision making…..no housing, no savings, no healthcare…and they think this will be a way to be “free”. 
 

I agree with the others, say your piece and tell them they won’t be able to come live with you. It’s a heck of an uncomfortable situation, but it needs to be said. 
 

Keep in mind that if they are emotionally immature and anxiety driven they aren’t likely to change their minds….but you need to be at peace and protect yourself for the future.

[Spryte]

What gave them this crazy idea?!

Do they often make rash decisions and decide to do things like this?

The having-no-experience camping part of this is mind blowing. Aside from the repairs and work that it takes, they might not even like the camping culture, the other people.

I would suggest helping them come up with an alternative plan. If they are set on this, absolutely hard no on parking at your place.

Have they even rented a camper like that, to see what it might be like under the best of circumstances? (Camper in good repair, etc.) Doing that could be a turn off, right there.

[Grace Hopper]

You don’t have to be more supportive. You don’t have to do it meanly, but you can be firm and clear. Say to them the words you shared here:

“I cannot be your safety net.” 

“You can not plan on moving into my house for elder care.”

Add that you can’t be a resource for your siblings, either.

I will say, in your parents’ defense, is that this may be mostly a way for them to get your siblings off the entitlement train. I had an aunt and uncle that swapped their nice big family home for a 1 bedroom cottage specifically to get two of the adult children off their payroll.

[Carol in Cal.]

This is just about the craziest thing I have ever heard.

[alisoncooks]

Oh wow. Idk what romanticized book or show they've been influenced by, but (for most) camping life isn’t care free or inexpensive. Sheesh, have they priced campgrounds at all? They’re not inexpensive, even at state parts. And yep, camper repairs and etc. Yikes. 

I suppose they don’t have enough money to finance the dream without selling the house? Could they rent the house out for a year or two and try the traveling on a smaller scale? Then they have a *real* backup plan. 

[marbel]

1 hour ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

My dad opted out of social security since he's a pastor and they have no retirement savings.

I get this, but didn't his church/denomination have a provision of any sort for this?  

[lauraw4321]

Wow. I have no idea what I'd say other than, wow. And no, you can't park at our house, so please don't assume that.

[catz]

1 minute ago, Grace Hopper said:

 

I will say, in your parents’ defense, is that this may be mostly a way for them to get your siblings off the entitlement train. I had an aunt and uncle that swapped their nice big family home for a 1 bedroom cottage specifically to get two of the adult children off their payroll.

This is what I'm really wondering.  If it lasts for 6 months, they'll still have gotten those siblings off their backs.  They're young enough that they could get a job if needed.    Is it possible they have any other savings?  

But be firm on saying no on parking, being a safety net, etc especially if you're struggling with your own retirement set up.  That will be important your own kids futures.  And honestly physical and mental health.  I'm seeing the affects of that with some friends who've had parents suddenly have to move in, etc.  Those siblings who've been on the payroll can step up if needed.  

[Tap]

If they buy this camper, how are they getting it home? If they do decide to do this, I would encourage them to rent a space somewhere and park the camper to live in for a few weeks, before putting the house on the market. If they need to make payments on the truck/camper, can they just rent out their house?  It would be easier to resell the camper and truck, than rebuy a house! 

I would also look into the laws surrounding if you can even have someone living in a camper on your property. If is isn't legal, that could be one more thing for them to consider in their back up plan, and something you can use to help prevent them trying. I do know people who have done this, and it can be great for the right people.....your parents don't sound like those people. I wonder if you dad is thinking having the camper will make it possible to travel and take the familiar with him. 

They also need to consider the price of gas/diesel, truck maintenance/depreciation on a rig that his hauling a camper. Campsite fees and the cost of living on the road. It is more expensive because you can't buy in bulk and need to shop constantly. I lived this way for 2 years growing up. It isn't an easy life.

((((hugs)))) Like others....you don't have to support this decision. Be kind, but be firm. 

Edited January 11, 2023 by Tap

[BusyMom5]

Camper plus a truck to haul it will be over 100K- not to mention insurance on both plus health insurance.  This 8s such a bad idea.  8d encourage them to rent one first and go on a vacation or two this next year,  to be sure its what they want to do.  I wouldn't be supportive either!  

[fraidycat]

3 minutes ago, alisoncooks said:

Oh wow. Idk what romanticized book or show they've been influenced by, but (for most) camping life isn’t care free or inexpensive. Sheesh, have they priced campgrounds at all? They’re not inexpensive, even at state parts. And yep, camper repairs and etc. Yikes. 

I suppose they don’t have enough money to finance the dream without selling the house? Could they rent the house out for a year or two and try the traveling on a smaller scale? Then they have a *real* backup plan. 

My parents had a decorative sign for their campsite that said something like 

Welcome to our campsite, where we spend a fortune to live like paupers - something similar to that.

Unless they're tenting in the backwoods, camping can get very pricey.

[catz]

Parking a trailer permanantly on a property may or may not be legal depending on where you on.  But it can also be spendy to set up the hook ups to do it right as well.  It's not like they can just be self sufficient on any old plot of land.  My parents dragged a camper during their retirement for a number of years.  They ended up selling it and buying a 2nd home.

[sassenach]

Have you said anything? I think I would word vomit all over them. I don’t think you have anything to lose by being straightforward with them. 

[Jaybee]

I would be unequivocally clear before they see that camper that you are not picking up the pieces from this. They might say they'll move in, in a joking manner, but I would respond with a dead serious response. There needs to be no doubt in their minds that you are not rescuing them.

[Scarlett]

My sisters in-laws did this and it was a complete disaster on every level. And in the end it was OK because they did have a substantial savings and Social Security. But I agree with everyone else in this situation. I would not support the idea at all. And I would establish clear boundaries about how much you are willing or able to help them when it all falls apart.

[Tiberia]

If they "park" on your property, they will end up living in your house. They will first just park and draw your electricity to power the camper, then they will be in frequently for bathroom and kitchen use, then they will just never go back to the camper. Set your boundaries now; they have given you a warning of what's to come. 

 

[Faith-manor]

I am so sorry! First of all, you are absolutely NOT under any obligation to safety net for your siblings. Make that abundantly clear. Write a letter, state the boundaries, send it to the parties involved. Make sure that among these boundaries is, "camper will not be parked on our property except the driveway, and visits are not to extend beyond one week and it will be enforced".

I suspect that this plan, which is not smart because they do not have SS nor retirement savings so they are giving up an income and a home thus their stability, is to get out from underneath the financial drain of your siblings. If they don't have a house, and they are nomading around the country, they become inaccessible to the sins for mooching. Yes, they want to stick you with it. Too bad for them. They didn't ask first, and you are not playing that game.

Try to step back, be strong, but don't otherwise have an opinion and get involved other than protecting yourself and your marriage and kids. Let them travel around. Maybe they will have fun and make some memories. When they get back, your mom can find another job of some kind, and they can move into subsidized retirement apartments that are income based. We have some in our county and rent is only $400 a month. Lots of the folks without retirement savings sell out and move into them. 

[KungFuPanda]

You HAVE to put your reservations in writing.  Tell them you are concerned about your own retirement and worried about theirs as well.  TELL them that you are not convinced that this is a sound financial plan.  Explain that you are unable and unwilling to deal with ANY of the consequences of this plan.  TELL them you are not in a position to parent them or your siblings. TELL them you are not prepared to live with them full time.  Suggest that they downsize their home as much as possible, but keep a small residence.  It is cheaper to travel by car and stay in a hotel than it is to own a camper.  Suggest they try this for a year to see if they can really enjoy so much time in the car together.  Also, they're not even getting a camper and new truck for that amount . . . not one they don't have to put a ton of money into.

 

ETA:  You're not allowed to park an RV in my neighborhood for more than a few days at a time, so if you have an ordinance like that let them know about that too.  Or, just tell them you won't allow it.  You really can say no to all of this and refuse to cushion the natural consequences of their actions. You can support their right to make their own decisions AND maintain your own boundaries.  Putting it in writing and giving it to them will be awkward, but awkward is free and it's best to tell them up front.  Be clear and detailed.  You may visit for x days at a time y times a year.  "I hope it works out for you, but it if doesn't I'm not taking ANY responsibility for the fall out."

Edited January 11, 2023 by KungFuPanda

[HomeAgain]

Oh, gosh, dh's relatives did this at about the same age.  They got in a good 5-6 years of traveling before his health issues cropped up and she needed to stabilize and take care of him.  They went from having equity and a home to scrambling to live in a tiny apartment and working fast food to supplement social security. 20 years later, they finally passed but without anything they had worked for.

It would have been so much wiser to rent out their home, even using a management company to handle the day to day stuff, and spend time traveling if they wanted.  That way there was still an option to come back and have their community.

[Dianthus]

Camper and truck are more than 100k, but also what about fuel and park fees? They don't have the budget. I'd say upfront that it cannot be parked at your house.

[Dianthus]

Tell them to go on a cruise instead. Can shop deals on last minute cruises. Maybe once they try that, they'll prefer the catering.

[Arcadia]

If the aim is to “kick out” the entitled siblings, would moving to a one bedroom apartment in a senior community (over 55) housing be a viable choice? My upstairs neighbor downsized from a house to a one bedroom condo because the HOA fees for senior housing cost more. It is a lot easier to take care of a small condo: 

Since your parents have been using you as a safety net for so long, maybe its time for your husband to really rant on them. My in-laws know that if they push past my tolerance limit, I stop being diplomatic while my husband is more polite because it is trained behavior for him. They treat him as the ATM.

When my in-laws hint at shopping and vacation money during the pandemic, I just tell my husband we didn’t have enough savings to pay for college (which is true) for both kids. So my husband has learned when his parents asked to say our household expenses are high and getting worse (inflation is real so not a lie).

[prairiewindmomma]

I would .02 that they couldn’t afford a cruise, or to rent out the house, or any of the other options. If they have owned their house for a while, even rent at a low income place is going to be high given that they will have no income and no retirement.

I would also .02 that inflation is putting a pinch on their current finances and they are becoming desperate. Tapping the financial nest egg of their home equity seems like their only way out.
 

Looping back on this….there is a whole subcurrent on a certain news channel about retirement + RVing. Likewise, you can fall into an algorithm on YouTube about this also where it seems feasible. The budget math certain influencers suggest doesn’t work out but it will seem like it does. 

 

 

Edited January 11, 2023 by prairiewindmomma

[HomeAgain]

8 minutes ago, Dianthus said:

Camper and truck are more than 100k, but also what about fuel and park fees? They don't have the budget. I'd say upfront that it cannot be parked at your house.

That's a good point.  Especially right now.  Dh's basic truck was $30,000 ten years ago.  It would go for about the same today, and isn't rated to pull a large camper. 

[gardenmom5]

I'm sorry your parents are attempting to put you in this position.  I was in my 20s when I realized I was being groomed to take over as "enabler" for my sister.  Um - no. I have a family.  you will make them angry- but that is not your problem.   you do not have to pick up the pieces of their poor choices.   you especially do not have to pick up the pieces of your siblings not having stable employment.  You could be gracious and hand them the names of employment agencies, or the names of some stores/restaurants that are hiring.  there are people that are always looking for roommates if they can't afford an apartment of their own.

Let them know now - they will not be able to park their camper at your house.  - there are RV parks in cities (there is in mine).  You can give them the names of some near you so when they come try to park at your house, you can tell them where they can go park with pertinent hook-ups.  Have some names of senior agencies available for when they decide this isn't working and they have blown through all their money.  It's one way to protect  yourself.

let all concerned know now - you're not available to provide for them.  start now asking your siblings "what are your plans when mom and dad sell the house?" -oh we're going to come live with you.  "that won't work for me, you will need to find another place to live."  rinse, repeat.

[alisoncooks]

Could this be them blowing through their assets so they’d qualify for something like govt aid? Just a thought. 

[itsheresomewhere]

If they haven’t, tell them to join Facebook and boards for this.  We know several who did/do this.  They will often work a season at a camp ground for pay/rent and then travel on the rest of the year.    They can make a nice amount for  just a season.  Some just do the books, some run the camp diner, some run the office.  Maybe they have this planed already to do this and didn’t tell you.  

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

48 minutes ago, HomeAgain said:

Oh, gosh, dh's relatives did this at about the same age.  They got in a good 5-6 years of traveling before his health issues cropped up and she needed to stabilize and take care of him.  They went from having equity and a home to scrambling to live in a tiny apartment and working fast food to supplement social security. 20 years later, they finally passed but without anything they had worked for.

It would have been so much wiser to rent out their home, even using a management company to handle the day to day stuff, and spend time traveling if they wanted.  That way there was still an option to come back and have their community.

This is our plan. Of course who knows what will happen, but we don’t want to give up equity or our house.

[KungFuPanda]

Would they consider a truck camper to try it out?  That might be more financially reasonable if they won't give it up.

[happi duck]

Many (hugs)

I was pushed into the safety net role and had to set clear, firm boundaries.  My relationships survived and that particular stress was lowered.

For your sake I hope you can set that boundary clearly today.

I suggest not trying to sugarcoat it with reasons.  "I am not your safety net and you can not park here or live here."

[fairfarmhand]

1 hour ago, Dianthus said:

Camper and truck are more than 100k, but also what about fuel and park fees? They don't have the budget. I'd say upfront that it cannot be parked at your house.

We just bought a new truck last year for 70K. It costs my dh over $150 to fill his truck with diesel. 

Our old beater farm truck that starts intermittently (and never on cold days) with 300K miles on it would sell right now for 10 to 15K. 

Edited January 11, 2023 by fairfarmhand

[Spryte]

Yes, make the boundaries clear. You may park here for visits of X length, but you cannot park here indefinitely.

Not to catastrophize, but here’s a scenario I can see playing out, based on my own experience: mom and dad park in your driveway without an end date, but the plan is that it’s not forever. Dad falls exiting the RV one morning. Hospital. Rehab. “Of course Mom can stay in the driveway!” Dad is released — to your care, because there is no where else to go. And that’s how they could come to live with you, without a real plan, with it just happening. Once that happens, it is very, very difficult to wind back the clock and for you to disengage. 

[KungFuPanda]

Ohhhh . . . or what if they just did the Amtrak cross country trip.  That's a much cheaper way to see if they can take the confinement.

[cintinative]

I would recommend that they rent a camper first. Our neighbors bought one of those huge camper things and then ended up selling it months later because my neighbor hated driving it, finding a place to park/camp, and the hassle of storing it. She was surprised at how much she hated it--they had grand dreams of driving around and going on trips with grandkids. But the reality was way, way different.

I would encourage them to do this before they assume that this life is what they want. 

Edited January 11, 2023 by cintinative