S/O what size house for the empty nest?

[teachermom2834]

We are currently in 2700 sq ft that we launched 3 of our 4 from. We have one left at home (starting 9th grade in the fall). She will probably go away to college but of course she is welcome to remain home and commute if she chooses and our house will be home base for her for awhile. 
 

We want to move but we are waiting until the market settles some but we also just have no idea what we want. Some days I want a sprawling compound with a pool and awesome rec areas for visits and enough space for anyone who needs to come home and regroup to move back. Other days I want a city apartment with one parking space and 1200 sq ft. 

The real destination is surely somewhere in the middle but we will have more flexibility and more money to spend than we ever had house shopping before. For the first time what we actually want (vs. what is safe and can fit our family on a minimal budget) is in play and we really don’t know what we want. 

What do you want or what did you choose? Regrets? Considerations I may not have thought of? 
 

We definitely have to move eventually. Our house has tons of stairs and isn’t practical long term and there is nothing tying us to it. So staying isn’t on the table. We know the general small city we are headed to but we could go downtown or suburban. Condo or house. Big or small? Lots of choices. 

[almondbutterandjelly]

We downsized from a house to an apartment that has a fitness center, walking trails by the water, lots of green space, lots of trees, a basketball court, two pools, some grills and picnic tables.  None of which we are responsible for maintaining, yay!  The location is also right off two roads that we use to get everywhere.  It's great!  Highly recommend apartment living if you are DONE with yard work and house maintenance, like we were.

[Laura Corin]

We only downsized a bit. The original house was around 2,800 square feet and this is I think around 2,100. More importantly,  it has a small,  attractive garden/yard rather than three acres to maintain.  It is also in a walkable village with a shop, pub, two cafes, church, post office, etc. And with good bus connections.  The house has a completely livable downstairs and an upstairs that could be partitioned for rent or for a carer.  We love it.

Edited March 28, 2022 by Laura Corin

[Arcadia]

22 minutes ago, perky said:

Highly recommend apartment living if you are DONE with yard work and house maintenance, like we were.

My condo complex has quite a few retirees. Yesterday there was a power outage (3rd time this year) and all the elevators won’t working. Anyone who have difficulties with stairs or are wheelchair bound would have difficulties going out. Otherwise, we could easily walk to the library, supermarket and pharmacy which makes it a convenient location for the elderly. 
We are hoping to move but our real estate prices here are still red hot. Our consideration is how elderly friendly the layout would be versus the square feet. My parents are staying in my previous condo and luckily that home is wheelchair friendly and power outages are rare. They were looking for a ground floor unit to buy but there wasn’t any suitable ones (size, location) on the market. 

[TexasProud]

 

I though my MIL and FIL were nuts when he got transferred and they were just starting their empty nest. They bought a huge 2 story house. The upstairs has three bedrooms that has the original furniture from my husband and his sisters growing up. ( Like us, they bought solid wood, furniture for their kids.  It is in pristine condition.)  2 bedrooms upstairs along with a big room. Downstairs it had a formal den and dining room and  then living room, master bedroom and kitchen.  I did not understand why in the world they moved into the huge house with just the two of them. Well... over the last 30 years we have filled that house so many times.  We would come with our three kids, my SIL/BIL and her three kids so many times. My nephew lived with her for awhile after college.  SIL/BIL and remaining one kid moved in with her when there house flooded. It was such a wise decision for them to stay there. 

So now us. We are staying where we are. Our house is 3500 square feet: 4 bedrooms, a study, living room, playroom/media room, breakfast room and kitchen.  We want to be able to host people just like my MIL.  For spring break I had 5 girls staying here. Over Easter my MIL is coming, as well as my two sons. MIL will sleep in daughter's room since she isn't coming home.  

Now, that said. My MIL is approaching 80. My FIL died a few years ago. My SIL/BIL moved 10 minutes from her. My other SIL has always lived 5 minutes away from them in her own house. It would probably be wise for her to move from that big house as my nephews and nieces.  They are currently going through the house trying to clean things out, but even so... Going through that house is going to be a nightmare when she passes. My FIL bought every sing precious moment figurine and doll that ever existed for my MIL. There is a whole wall of built in bookcases that doesn't have books, just these figurines and dolls. In each of the kids' massive closets are games and toys in pristine condition: Alamo playset, all of those Little People sets from the 60's and early 70's that I am sure are outlawed because the people are too small. 

Anyway, it depends on what you want. My husband wants our land to "piddle" on. He is planting our large garden tomorrow. I think we are through with cows, but he is considering bees.  For him to be trapped in an apartment/senior complex.... he would be dead in a year without something for him to do. For other people, it would be less stress for them to live in an apartment and not have so much to take care of. Let their children/spouses/grandchildren stay in a hotel or AirBnB. Nothing wrong with that at all. So that is what you have to decide. What will take priority. For us, it is having space for any and all family to come anytime they want and room for my husband to have projects to work on. 

 

[KatieJ]

Depends on lots of things. We raised our family in 4 bedroom , 3 bathroom hime , with finished basement and 3 season porch. Our oldest is 13 years older than our youngest, so we were grandparents before he graduated high school. As the grandkids came, we were happy to have the bigger home. Now that our kids are all married and settled in their own homes, we don’t do all the celebrations and family get together as the kids have bigger houses. Dh retired and we sold that home and are settling into a smaller patio home, no stairs, no yard work,  it also no real space for grandkids to play. It’s a trade off. 
Questions are, how old are you, when will retirement happen, how big might your family get and do you want to be the gathering place for a few years.

Do you want to do yard work for awhile, and will you need to move again as you age if You buy larger right now…and are you okay with that?

 

[mom2scouts]

We had 5 kids in an 1800 sf house, but we'd still want something smaller. DH wants to build a smaller ranch someday, but it's likely financially unrealistic for us to ever build and we'd still have yard work. DH likes to have a small yard and tinker around outside, so a small ranch is most likely where we'll end up.  For long term/retirement, I might choose a first floor condo (no yardwork!) with amenities like a pool or workout room and close to highways, stores, and libraries. I would definitely make sure I had enough room for adult children or visitors to come and stay for a few days or join us for holidays.

Edited March 28, 2022 by mom2scouts

[Carrie12345]

I intend to stick with my 2400sf. I could end up with 0-20+ grandkids and want them around as much as possible. 
Even with 0, I do have parents, siblings, nieces and nephews, and friends I want to have near as much as I can.

Admittedly, that’s probably from being unable to host much in the past 20+ years. So maybe I’ll tire of it quickly, lol. 
But our floor plan does allow for first floor living with just a few adaptations. 

[Bootsie]

We upsized, which is not exactly what we planned to do.  We relocated as the last child was beginning college.  We wanted to be within a certain area for work-related/commute reasons and the options available were larger houses than we had been in.  That was not long before COVID, so we were glad to have the extra space for work-from-home, school-from-home, and all of the other at-home activities we didn't count on when we purchased.  We also have a child who lives abroad and comes home for blocks of time, rather than a weekend now and then, so it is nice to have some extra space that is a bit more private when that happens.  We wanted space to have some family visitors, most of which have not occurred, because of COVID.  We have also found that as empty nesters we have more time for the projects we had been wanting to get to for years, so it is nice to have space to spread out and do those projects.  

We did only consider places with a downstairs bedroom and bathroom.  We also chose a place where it would be reasonable to get someone to watch the house for us if we travel (again COVID has thrown a wrench in that), is near excellent medical facilities, and has a number of activities and services that are within walking distance.

[Selkie]

We're empty nesters now but don't expect to change our living situation for many years. We have a big house, a big piece of land, horses, and many rescue dogs and cats. We're only early 50s (me) and mid 50s (dh) and very active, and neither of us would be happy living on a smaller piece of land or in town at this point in our lives. I want to keep our stairs as long as possible because I get loads of exercise just going up and down them in the course of a day. We did our Swedish Death Cleaning after the youngest moved out and are in the process of working on a long list of remodeling projects and upgrades for the house.

[J-rap]

There's no right answer.  If your family is grand central station and you plan to host many big family events and enjoy doing so and don't mind the upkeep, then keeping a big house is a fine choice.

That's what my parents did, and it was a great choice for them.  They were in a central location in a large metro area;  my siblings and I were anywhere from 1-3 hours away in different directions, so it was always our meeting place and where we gathered many, many times over the years. Many of their grandchildren spent a year or two living in one of their bedrooms as they were working their first jobs after college.

It's different for my dh and I.  He became disabled several years ago, and once our last one graduated from college, we sold our home.  It was too out-of-the-way, and the upkeep had become a little stressful.  Now we live in a decent-sized, inner-city apartment -- and in more of a central location.  For now, we're still the gathering place -- no grandchildren yet!  But we have enough space to house extra people comfortably.  Our kids know they can come and stay for as long as they'd like, and there's space for them.  It's a 3-bedroom, 2-bathroom apartment, 1600 sq feet.  Lots of extra areas in the building like a pool, a fitness room, and an outdoor rooftop patio the size of half a football field.  We often host big family events on the patio there.  

So for us, being in an apartment/condo has solved a lot of problems, and it's smaller than our home, but we still have the extra space to easily have overnight visitors.  Oh, and a table with a leaf so that we can still all gather at the table together, including any spouses.

 

 

[stephanier.1765]

We are empty nesters and are actually looking for a larger house. Our current house is only 3 bdrms and less than 1200 sq ft. While we did manage to raise 3 boys here, it's really not conducive to hosting their families when they visit. We are looking at homes that will be attractive to them as well as to us. We want something that brings them to visit and to hang out around the pool, chat on the porch, or watch the kids play in the yard. I saw the perfect house for us this Sunday and did a walk-thru but it was priced out of our range, unfortunately, Right neighborhood, right size, but much higher asking price than the other houses sold there recently. Very disappointing but we do hope that we are able to find something like this soon. Good luck on your decision and your search!

[plansrme]

We are working on a house plan as we speak that would be a good bit bigger than the traditional 4/3 in which we reared our children. We want everyone to be able to come home and have space in our house. We have 3 actual kids and 2 long-term exchange students that I think of as my kids and I hope will keep in touch and come back with their eventual families. The new home is probably 5 years from completion, but it should be at least that long before we have kids and grands willing to make the trek to visit us. This is irrelevant to the space question, but my bio kids are white, but my son is dating a Black girl;  my middle daughter is Chinese (we joke that she is the whitest of all my kids); my two exchange students are Latino. I cannot wait to see the many hues of in-laws and grandbabies gathered around my finally big-enough Christmas tree.

[Pawz4me]

I agree that there's no right answer. You have to figure out what fits you best and would make you the happiest.

We had a large house on a tiny lot and moved to a slightly smaller house with a bigger yard as our retirement home. DS23 still lives with us, and there's plenty of room even when DS26 is here for a weekend or holiday. But it's not so ridiculously large that DH and I feel lost when we're here alone. It is two stories, but totally livable downstairs (master suite and laundry room are on the main level). Mostly we bought it for the setting and location. I totally get the appeal of an apartment and not having any maintenance to deal with, but our previous house taught me that for my mental health I need outside space of my own, a home where I can step outside and not have to wonder if multiple neighbors might be looking out their windows at me. I need to be able to look out my windows and see trees and squirrels and birds. Our yard is big enough for us to play around with gardening (mostly flowers) and other things, but not so large that we can't afford to pay someone to do the mowing or any other upkeep we don't want to do ourselves. It works for us. 

[Night Elf]

I still have one at home and we have a 3BR 2BA home with a bonus bedroom downstairs. No one likes being down there because you have to come upstairs to go to the bathroom or kitchen. My ds wants to move out but in reality he's stuck with us until he graduates from college and gets a job that will allow him to support himself. Right now he's using the 2 small bedrooms upstairs. DH and I have the master and ds is using our library room for a bedroom and the other room as his computer room.

I want to move so much!! The main reason is my mom will need a place to stay when her mom dies. Mom is living with and taking care of her mother. It's grandma's house. Mom and her sister have already decided when grandma dies, the house will be sold. So mom needs to go somewhere but I don't think she should live alone. 1) She probably can't afford it, and 2) I want to be there for her and take care of her the way she's been doing for her mother.

We downsized in 2005 when we had 3 young kids. Dumb move. Now we want to upsize! This house is too small for 3 people, let alone 4. I need a 4 BR house with an inlaw suite that has no stairs. Mom has a bad leg and can't do stairs and I don't want to have to move again when I'm older and maybe can't do stairs. Heck, with my sore knees I have trouble with our stairs. And I can't get in or out of my house without going up and down stairs. So no, this is not our forever home.

We'll have a nice sum to put towards a new home. I want something I can take care of but that is big enough to allow us to grow old in and be a safe place for anyone who wants to come live with us. Our main problem will be location. We can't stay in the same city because it's too expensive now. We'll have to move farther away to a place that isn't so built up and that will allow us to have a big house for not so much money.

[Faith-manor]

We bought a retirement home this past summer in the area we intend to land when dh retires in 4 years. Our daughter and her family are living in it right now.

It is big. We have been concerned for a while that we needed a multi-generational home. We know that in so many areas housing has outpaced wages by an unreal amount and this is going to make it very hard on our adult sons to get their heads above water. There are a ton of job opportunities for all of them in that area. So if they need a place to crash, they have it. Dd and hubby are saving money for a down payment on a place of their own. I have my mom who may eventually need to live with us too. Her house is crap, a dump and she doesn't have enough money to make all the necessary repairs. And totally fixed, the house would still not be worth the cost of that investment. She cannot afford rent, but is also not anywhere close to needing a nursing home, so we took that into consideration as well.

We have 3300 sq ft on the main floor all handicap accessible, and 680 ish square ft in the finished, walk out basement which currently functions as "the bachelor pad" for our adult sons when we are all there for the holidays. There are four bedrooms and three baths up, and when we are done remodeling, a full bath for the bachelor pad. We also have plans to eek out one more bedroom downstairs.

We don't expect to downsize for 15 years or so, but it could be never if it is still functioning as a multi-generational home, and adult kids are able to help us when we need assistance caring for the house and grounds. 

I always thought we would downsize and have no yard work after retirement, but it isn't working out that way.

[Corraleno]

I plan to stay in my current home (4 BR/2.5 BA, 2400 sq') as long as I can, hopefully at least into my mid-70s. I would have preferred a one-story house, but when I bought this one 8 yrs ago inventory was really low in the area I wanted, houses were being snapped up in days, and I did not have a lot of time to look, so I ended up with a tri-level. But as long as I'm fit and healthy I don't worry about the stairs too much. The yard is more of a concern for me, I will eventually have to hire help for that, but I really like the location (outskirts of a major metro area and half an hour from an International airport). Once it becomes impractical for me to live here alone, my plan is to sell this house and then help both of my kids buy homes with an ADU or MIL suite, so I can split my time between them, wherever they settle.

[Brittany1116]

We have a family of 4 under 2000sf. Once the kids are out, we could easily live 1500sf, assuming we wanted to move/sell/downsize. My grandmother (widowed over 20 years now) has been living under 1200sf and I could do that solo. Maybe 1000sf, honestly. But I am a bit of a minimalist.

[Wheres Toto]

The house we are raising our kids in is smaller than everyone's "down sized" houses.  😆

We have 750 square feet with 3 bedrooms and 1 bathroom.   We have a serious lack of storage (no attic, no basement, no decent garage) but it's worked okay for 17 years.   We had plans to add on or tear down for years but now dh is 65 years old and I finally convinced him we should leave things alone except for fixing up things that had been neglected over the years of planning to tear down.   We have only a single step up to the house, a really nice quiet yard with room to putter (but we recently hired someone to do the bulk of the maintenance) and it would be perfect to age in place if we pave the driveway and walkway.    It's also extremely affordable in a high cost of living area, close to anything we could possibly need including lots of options for medical services, yet in a quiet neighborhood with access to a pool and lakes.  

We were going to build a small addition/MIL suite for my mom when she sold her house.  She LOVES sitting in our backyard with the birds looking at the river that's at the back of our backyard.   Instead she decided to buy a two story (when she's struggled with stairs for years!) townhouse that is about an hour away from us (so we can't help or even visit very often).   Now she says she wants to come spend a weekend with us so she can enjoy our yard, when we really don't have space for that since we didn't do the addition.  🙄  

[Eos]

5 minutes ago, Wheres Toto said:

The house we are raising our kids in is smaller than everyone's "down sized" houses.  😆

Same.  I think if we enclose a part of the living room on the first floor for a bedroom and build a ramp to the door we can probably stay here.  And put in a heating system.  We currently only have wood heat which is pleasant but hard going. 

[Wheres Toto]

4 minutes ago, Eos said:

Same.  I think if we enclose a part of the living room on the first floor for a bedroom and build a ramp to the door we can probably stay here.  And put in a heating system.  We currently only have wood heat which is pleasant but hard going. 

We just recently put in mini-split systems and are getting a fireplace insert in the next year or so.

Our "bedroom" is actually just walls built around our bed in the corner of what used to be a fairly large living room.    It's still a decent sized living room with cathedral ceilings and a skylight so it feels even bigger.  My cousin used to say our house was the "little house that's bigger on the inside".    Lots of windows and light. 

[Insertcreativenamehere]

We've raised our kids in a house that is about 1600 sq ft -- we moved here with 2 kids and now have 4. The layout is not the best and we have minimal storage. (needed with a high medical needs kid and his medical supplies.) I love our yard, though, and the location is very convenient.

We're moving in a few weeks to a house about twice the size. It was a unique opportunity we couldn't pass up although we certainly don't need quite that much space. There is a massive amount of storage room. It is possible to set up the basement as separate living quarters which might be helpful for our youngest who will never live independently and will need a great deal of support. I'll care for him as long as I can but he will need the level of care given in a medical group home and I'm not comfortable with that at this point. I'd rather hire caregivers to care for him in our home. It's also possible to live primarily on one level which will be good as we age. 

[teachermom2834]

My dh says he doesn’t mind the yard work but I don’t believe him. So I definitely have to keep in mind what it would take to hire it out even if he thinks the yard is not an issue. Hiring it out doesn’t even seem like the best answer to me because it just isn’t that easy to find workers and keep them and have them show up when expected, etc. But when we discuss these things dh is more optimistic about our abilities and desires to do all these things indefinitely than I am.

I daydream about living urban and having one car and being able to walk places and use public transportation. I grew up that way and have romanticized it some. But I haven’t lived that way in 30 years and when I think hard about it I realize it is probably not for me anymore. 
 

So dh and I both need to be really honest about what this next stage of our lives looks like. We really were under so much pressure for so many years raising the kids that we are getting to this stage and wondering what the heck happens now? But we are still not yet 50 and healthy. It is fun to think of what we can do now but also unsettling because we really don’t know. We were so busy and stressed for 25 years that we are just now getting around to thinking these things through and looking at the choices. 

I am grateful to have choices though! 

[QueenCat]

When we moved six months ago, we went a bit bigger than before & are at 5000ish sq ft. One adult child still lives with us. We're in our mid-late 50s. Unless dh's job moves us again, we plan to stay in this house until we can't do stairs anymore. We like having space for everyone. Guest rooms are a must for us. A nice yard is as well. 

The bottom line is that it's subjective. No right or wrong answers. Everyone's needs and wants, as well as budgets, are different.

[skimomma]

We are empty-nesters but our house was smallish to begin with at 1200 sq. ft.   It is not at all suitable for anyone with mobility issues so it is likely not our forever house unless we committed to a lot of modifications.  But we are still pretty young and everything about it is fine for our current lives.  In practicality, I see us staying here for up to 20 more years then moving to a condo when stairs and yard work are no longer easy.

But, for the last ten years, I have cooked up elaborate "dream plans" for a custom built house.  It will likely never happen due to finances and the fact that what I want does not mesh well with most zoning ordinances.  I have even sketched some of these up in AutoCAD.  If money were no object we would love a very small and efficient purpose-built house right in our small city.  We currently live in the city and want to maintain that, but there are often lots for sale that are in the city but back up to trails and/or waterfront.  It would be single level with a finished basement.  The finished basement would have a guest room, second bathroom, gear prep/storage area for skis, camping equipment, and other outdoor gear, and a sauna.  This whole area could be taken out of use if we both became unable to handle stairs.  The upstairs would be an open-concept plan for entertaining (and ease of mobility should that be needed) with a single bedroom and bath.  Attached garage (very uncommon here) and LOTS of easy accessible storage/pantry/laundry/mudroom.  This will never happen but it is fun to dream.  Having spent the last 17 years in a house with no closets I am content to ponder on storage options alone for hours.

All that said, I would not consider maintaining a large house for occasional hosting.  Most families I know are happy to dog pile for the once-or-twice-a-year holiday gathering.  The cost and waste of heating extra house is just too much for me.  If I were in that situation, I would handle overflow with a rented RV in the driveway or even renting a whole vacation house for people to spread out.

[Eos]

43 minutes ago, Wheres Toto said:

We just recently put in mini-split systems and are getting a fireplace insert in the next year or so.

Our "bedroom" is actually just walls built around our bed in the corner of what used to be a fairly large living room.    It's still a decent sized living room with cathedral ceilings and a skylight so it feels even bigger.  My cousin used to say our house was the "little house that's bigger on the inside".    Lots of windows and light. 

Our little house is very old and so has low ceilings and little light.  We would have a window in the future room, though, so that's key.  The downstairs right now is open plan - the person we bought it from took out all the old walls and combined 4 tiny rooms into the kitchen, dining area, pantry, living room, and the corner where large musical instruments lurk.  Honestly, if we got rid of all the harps and the piano, our living space would increase fairly dramatically.  Dd says she plans to live here, though, so that plan will never fly (pun intended.)

[Meriwether]

When I consider it, I think about a largish house (maybe 3500) but with most bedrooms on the 2nd floor on a separate thermostat. We'd live on the main floor and have bedrooms for visits from the kids. We have 5 kids who want to have more than the average number of kids. I want them all to be able to visit. Now, if several kids end up living close to is, we'd likely go smaller.

[mlktwins]

Our current house (the 2nd my boys have lived in) is 5,000 sq ft above grade with an unfinished basement.  3 levels above grade and will be too much for us to grow old in.  Our current plan is to stay here until the boys graduate from college.  I will be 55 in June.

After caring for 3 elderly parents, our plans look different than they would have before we went through this with them.  We are looking for a one-level house in a nice retirement community.  3 bedrooms, an office (or 4th bedroom) and 2.5 baths.  Small yard.  Our master bath will be ready for us to grow old with - no lip to step over in the shower, etc.

If I am alone, I will do a nice 2 bedroom/2 bath condo (probably in a retirement community) with no outside upkeep.

After clearing out our parent's houses, I am determined I will grow old with minimal stuff.  Things I love.

I want to have minimal responsibilities/upkeep, friends to grow old with, and to take the burden off my boys.  

[Pawz4me]

1 hour ago, teachermom2834 said:

Hiring it out doesn’t even seem like the best answer to me because it just isn’t that easy to find workers and keep them and have them show up when expected, etc.

We haven't had any trouble with that, but we went with a very well established company that's been in business for over 30 years. The father started it and the son stayed in the business (the father is still in it, too). They're most definitely not the cheapest around, but they're super reliable and have great customer service, the yards they do look fabulous, they have an easy online billing/payment system, etc. They do several of our neighbors' yards and have contracts for the property maintenance for some of the HOA communities in the area. OTOH, I've heard some horror stories from people who relied on fly-by-night, I'll-start-a-mowing-business-on-the-side type people.

[fairfarmhand]

1 hour ago, teachermom2834 said:

 But when we discuss these things dh is more optimistic about our abilities and desires to do all these things indefinitely than I am.

 

This is the man I'm married to.

I can picture us moving to a smaller place and a smaller yard when we're older and unable to handle it. But my dh says, Oh, I'll just get our kids and grandkids to handle the maintenance when we can't. I'm thinking we mow over 2 acres of grass every week and weed eat and trim it all. Our kids and grandkids will have their own yards to maintain and families to raise. Why would they want to come over and spend 3-4 hours each week cutting our grass? I'd rather they come over to visit.

One thing I saw in his family with the unwillingness to downsize is that yes, family will pitch in and help. But then there's little time to visit because visits are full of trimming hedges and dragging limbs and cutting grass. 

[wintermom]

18 hours ago, Laura Corin said:

We only downsized a bit. The original house was around 2,800 square feet and this is I think around 2,100. More importantly,  it has a small,  attractive garden/yard rather than three acres to maintain.  It is also in a walkable village with a shop, pub, two cafes, church, post office, etc. And with good bus connections.  The house has a completely livable downstairs and an upstairs that could be partitioned for rent or for a carer.  We love it.

This is exactly what I'd like to do as an empty nester. I have a local town picked out, too.

My question to you is: how much of a headache is dealing with older homes when it comes to maintenance and renovations? My favourite town has lots of cool older homes, and I look at them and think "Major headache" because of the age of the building (and all the potential for poor quality previous work). How do you tackle that, or can you try to avoid some homes before buying by looking strategically at what will be major issues.

Sorry if I'm heading down on a bunny trail for this thread.

[gardenmom5]

19 hours ago, teachermom2834 said:

We are currently in 2700 sq ft that we launched 3 of our 4 from. We have one left at home (starting 9th grade in the fall). She will probably go away to college but of course she is welcome to remain home and commute if she chooses and our house will be home base for her for awhile. 
 

We want to move but we are waiting until the market settles some but we also just have no idea what we want. Some days I want a sprawling compound with a pool and awesome rec areas for visits and enough space for anyone who needs to come home and regroup to move back. Other days I want a city apartment with one parking space and 1200 sq ft. 

 

I admit the bolded makes me laugh.  I don't know where you are, but our hcol market just gets more insane every year - for years. (2dd is moving to silicon valley, which is even worse. A place came on the market last night - dsil put in an application immediately and he was able to talk to the owner on the phone.  They'll go look at it today. they only plan on being there two years.)

Do you know the joke: How many kids do you have?  "three".  How many live at home?  "five. two got married."

Sometimes, kids come back when they graduate from college.  Sometimes they don't actually graduate and need somewhere to fall to regroup before starting a new path.  

Even when everything goes according to plan, there are visiting kids with grandkids . . My mom's condo building had a "guest suite" residents could reserve (max two weeks) for visitors. a lot more convenient than a hotel for out of town guests.

[teachermom2834]

9 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

I admit the bolded makes me laugh.  I don't know where you are, but our hcol market just gets more insane every year - for years. (2dd is moving to silicon valley, which is even worse. A place came on the market last night - dsil put in an application immediately and he was able to talk to the owner on the phone.  They'll go look at it today. they only plan on being there two years.)

Do you know the joke: How many kids do you have?  "three".  How many live at home?  "five. two got married."

Sometimes, kids come back when they graduate from college.  Sometimes they don't actually graduate and need somewhere to fall to regroup before starting a new path.  

Even when everything goes according to plan, there are visiting kids with grandkids . . My mom's condo building had a "guest suite" residents could reserve (max two weeks) for visitors. a lot more convenient than a hotel for out of town guests.

Yeah where we are living isn’t equivalent the the west coast HCOL. We have a recent craziness in the market that I don’t think is sustainable. I know y’all laugh at us but I don’t think what is happening in our markets here is comparable or sustainable. Of course I can’t see the future but what happens on the west coast really isn’t applicable to most of the country. The “experts” seem to agree.

I did mention in my OP that I am aware adult kids sometimes need someplace to regroup and I am considering that. 

[Annie G]

We didn’t downsize much, but we did buy a house that suits our retired life better than the one we lived in while raising a family. Current house is newer by 100+ years, so less maintenance and lower utilities. But it has enough rooms for me to have a dedicated sewing room, dh has his drum/modeling room, we have a dedicated guest room, etc.   Our master bathroom is handicap accessible if that is ever a need.  The yard is much lower maintenance because more than half is wooded and needs almost no care.
Our home isn’t smaller, just more suited to our needs now that we’re retired. 

[Laura Corin]

2 hours ago, wintermom said:

This is exactly what I'd like to do as an empty nester. I have a local town picked out, too.

My question to you is: how much of a headache is dealing with older homes when it comes to maintenance and renovations? My favourite town has lots of cool older homes, and I look at them and think "Major headache" because of the age of the building (and all the potential for poor quality previous work). How do you tackle that, or can you try to avoid some homes before buying by looking strategically at what will be major issues.

Sorry if I'm heading down on a bunny trail for this thread.

It's really important to look at serious surveys, plus assessing the companies who did previous work, previous architect plans and any legal sign off on buildings standards. Try to get a feel for the previous owners' upkeep style too. 

This house is early 19th century. It's stone built and slate roofed. We have replaced the boiler and are adding extra radiators, but the other building work we are planning is optional  - the house itself us in decent condition.

[gardenmom5]

1 hour ago, teachermom2834 said:

Yeah where we are living isn’t equivalent the the west coast HCOL. We have a recent craziness in the market that I don’t think is sustainable. I know y’all laugh at us but I don’t think what is happening in our markets here is comparable or sustainable. Of course I can’t see the future but what happens on the west coast really isn’t applicable to most of the country. The “experts” seem to agree.

I did mention in my OP that I am aware adult kids sometimes need someplace to regroup and I am considering that. 

Because of that - some of those areas in other parts of the country are attracting development that will sustain growth.  It can be cheaper for companies to locate there - and employees will come. 

I remember when this started here in the '80s - I didn't think it would continue like this.  It's just gotten worse.

[teachermom2834]

Just now, gardenmom5 said:

Because of that - some of those areas in other parts of the country are attracting development that will sustain growth.  It can be cheaper for companies to locate there - and employees will come. 

I remember when this started here in the '80s - I didn't think it would continue like this.  It's just gotten worse.

Okay if that happens we will just stay where we are and all of this is just daydreaming. Of course anything is possible. 

[Jaybee]

If we stay where we are, our house is great for empty nesting. It's 1800sf, but easy maintenance inside and out. 3 bd, 2 ½ bath, flat smallish yard. One bedroom is too small for a couple, but could be fitted with bunks for grandkids. Sadly, we can't host more than one family at a time, but I guess we could vacation together somewhere in a vrbo or something. If we move across states near our most-settled daughter and some other relatives, we'd probably downsize a little, maybe to 15-1600sf. Smaller if costs keep rising. Other kids would still be far enough away to need to stay overnight on visits, but between dd and us, we could probably make it work. We'd look for another easy-care yard.

[Lecka]

For us, I think it’s too soon to know what our kids will be doing in 10-15 years.  
 

I am open to staying where we are (current home) and I’m also open to moving closer to adult kids someday.  
 

Our current home could work for a long time, but I’m not attached to being here until I die or go to assisted living.  

[Faith-manor]

3 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

This is the man I'm married to.

I can picture us moving to a smaller place and a smaller yard when we're older and unable to handle it. But my dh says, Oh, I'll just get our kids and grandkids to handle the maintenance when we can't. I'm thinking we mow over 2 acres of grass every week and weed eat and trim it all. Our kids and grandkids will have their own yards to maintain and families to raise. Why would they want to come over and spend 3-4 hours each week cutting our grass? I'd rather they come over to visit.

One thing I saw in his family with the unwillingness to downsize is that yes, family will pitch in and help. But then there's little time to visit because visits are full of trimming hedges and dragging limbs and cutting grass. 

This happened here with the two mothers who have insisted on aging in place in homes with large yards and requiring tons of maintenance help. We were wearing ourselves out, and it got to the place that we did not spend any time with them, just doing the work. They have yard people coming now, and a house keeper once per week provided by the county center for aging. We have cautioned them that soon they will have to make some hard choices because even with that help, Mark and I are very stressed. I need to go back into the work place, and he has not retired yet. He cannot take care of three houses at once nor can I. I think my mom is going to relent, sell her place, and start going back and forth between France, and our Alabama home since Dd and hubby are very close with her, and happy to have her with them. We will probably have to force the issue with mother in law who is just getting all kinds of problematic for Mark. His brother is coming up in a couple of months to try to get her to understand her situation better since she isn't listening to us.

We will downsize from the multi generational home if none of our adult kids need it after the grandmothers are gone. So it is possible that in our 70's-80's, we will be in a retirement condo with zero yard work and very little maintenance to think about.

[HomeAgain]

We will stay in our house as empty nesters.  It's two stories, but the house is incredibly well set up for changing needs.  Each zone (one for each bedroom, one for the main floor, and one for the basement) has its own thermostat and doors to block the zones off to keep from heating and cooling without people living there.  The main floor tv room was designed to become a handicap-accessible suite should the need arise.  It's near a grocery store and senior citizens' center.

When we finally leave it'll be because we don't have a range of independence anymore.

[Beth S]

This thread is so helpful.
We've had an Empty Next for 1 1/2 years, & will downsize when we move after retirement, to be closer to 80% of our kids.

We have 2400 sq ft, 3 acres, 2 story, 4 BR, raised 5 kids here.
We are looking for 1800 sq ft, 1/2 acre, 3 BR ranch.

In the past, our kids have eagerly rented an AirBnB when needed for family gatherings elsewhere.

We're trying to budget for retirement, & a smaller house would help that goal.
 

 

[fairfarmhand]

2 hours ago, Faith-manor said:

This happened here with the two mothers who have insisted on aging in place in homes with large yards and requiring tons of maintenance help. We were wearing ourselves out, and it got to the place that we did not spend any time with them, just doing the work. They have yard people coming now, and a house keeper once per week provided by the county center for aging. We have cautioned them that soon they will have to make some hard choices because even with that help, Mark and I are very stressed. I need to go back into the work place, and he has not retired yet. He cannot take care of three houses at once nor can I. I think my mom is going to relent, sell her place, and start going back and forth between France, and our Alabama home since Dd and hubby are very close with her, and happy to have her with them. We will probably have to force the issue with mother in law who is just getting all kinds of problematic for Mark. His brother is coming up in a couple of months to try to get her to understand her situation better since she isn't listening to us.

We will downsize from the multi generational home if none of our adult kids need it after the grandmothers are gone. So it is possible that in our 70's-80's, we will be in a retirement condo with zero yard work and very little maintenance to think about.

YES!

And I kind of think it's a little bratty to expect people to spend that kind of time taking care of WANTS. Of course I would LOVE To have a nice big yard with none of hte headache of maintenance (shoot, I wouldn't mind that right this minute!) But when you look at it , that is a WANT not a need. I really hope that we can figure something else out for my dh and I to get older. I don't want to participate in an entitled mindset of expectation that our family will turn themselves inside out for our WANTS. Hopefully, we will have the $ to pay a landscaping company to manage it for us. That is the trajectory we're on. Fingers crossed!

[Faith-manor]

9 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

YES!

And I kind of think it's a little bratty to expect people to spend that kind of time taking care of WANTS. Of course I would LOVE To have a nice big yard with none of hte headache of maintenance (shoot, I wouldn't mind that right this minute!) But when you look at it , that is a WANT not a need. I really hope that we can figure something else out for my dh and I to get older. I don't want to participate in an entitled mindset of expectation that our family will turn themselves inside out for our WANTS. Hopefully, we will have the $ to pay a landscaping company to manage it for us. That is the trajectory we're on. Fingers crossed!

Right.

Case in point. Mother in law is getting exceptionally bratty about HOW the yard work is done. Mark told her if she offends the lawn company and they won't come back, she better figure out something else because he and I are NOT going to be responsible and get snarled at because we didn't have the time to weed whack the 3 acre wood line behind her place, etc. She has to pay for it, and be able to keep a decent business relationship with the workers.

She is all kinds of demanding. And we found out from the neurologist and psyche eval that we fought to get that this isn't dementia. She just actually thinks she is entitled to work her son to death to have things just so, her way. Ugh. He gave her an earful the other day. It is terrible when you have to treat your own mother like a wayward preschooler!

[fairfarmhand]

4 minutes ago, Faith-manor said:

Right.

Case in point. Mother in law is getting exceptionally bratty about HOW the yard work is done. Mark told her if she offends the lawn company and they won't come back, she better figure out something else because he and I are NOT going to be responsible and get snarled at because we didn't have the time to weed whack the 3 acre wood line behind her place, etc. She has to pay for it, and be able to keep a decent business relationship with the workers.

She is all kinds of demanding. And we found out from the neurologist and psyche eval that we fought to get that this isn't dementia. She just actually thinks she is entitled to work her son to death to have things just so, her way. Ugh. He gave her an earful the other day. It is terrible when you have to treat your own mother like a wayward preschooler!

Has she always been like that? 

Does she spend much time around other people?

The older people that I know who are invested in community and involved in the lives of other people of all ages are much sweeter than those who are lonely or those who only spend time with other senior citizens who grump about "kids these days." 

I truly. truly hope that I don't get bratty and hard to be around when I get older. I don't want my kids to have to deal with me as a cantankerous old biddy.

[Faith-manor]

15 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

Has she always been like that? 

Does she spend much time around other people?

The older people that I know who are invested in community and involved in the lives of other people of all ages are much sweeter than those who are lonely or those who only spend time with other senior citizens who grump about "kids these days." 

I truly. truly hope that I don't get bratty and hard to be around when I get older. I don't want my kids to have to deal with me as a cantankerous old biddy.

She has never wanted to be with people outside of her narrow range of both acceptable beliefs, as well as economic status, and age range. She keeps her bubble tight, even before covid. I do think covid isolation has had a very negative impact on already there, but previously controlled, character traits.

[Sweets]

We upsized our home from 1800 to 3600 sq ft. We raised three kids in an 1800 sq ft, 5 acre home. We liked the location and have been here 22 years. After my husband retired in 2014, we started looking for a home that would better suit our needs:  mainly the master bedroom suite on the main floor. We had originally wanted to move to East Tennessee, but our plans got changed when my granddaughter was born and we had to help out with babysitting. We looked in our local area but couldn't find anything that was even as nice as the home we currently owned. So, one evening, my husband sat down and designed a master bedroom addition to our home (adding about 900 sq ft). We got the rough drawing designed into blue prints by an architect, who then convinced us to add on a "bonus room." The additional cost was only $10,000 to add the bonus room because it had no plumbing or duct work. We put a mini split in the bonus room. To save costs, we did most of the work ourselves - really insane and will never do that again! Right now, we are finishing up the trim work and bathroom fixtures. I love it now that most of the work is done. The bonus room is my space. It's not finished completely yet, but I have my sewing and crafts area in it after years of sitting at the diningroom table. My granddaughter has her own room next to our new master bedroom, and upstairs we still have 3 bedrooms and 2 baths. My youngest moved home in 2020 due to the pandemic and is finishing college. He decided he liked living at home after all, especially since he has the upstairs to himself. My middle son moved home for 9 months in 2021 to save and buy a home, and we had plenty of room. Now, my oldest, who travels a lot for work, is seriously thinking of  renting out his home and staying in a travel trailer on our property when he's in town since our granddaughter has a room at our house. That said, we do think at some point we will sell the house, unless one of our kids wants to live in it, in about 10 years. At that point, we will be ready for a small condo or house with a small yard. The real estate market here is absolutely insane (Nashville) though so we would have to move to a rural area in Kentucky to find something affordable. It's been an insane amount of work to finish off this addition, but all in all, for us, we like the bigger home, even if we got a lot of comments about NOT downsizing from our friends. My sister went from renting a 2 bed, 700 sq ft apartment to buying a 2700 sq ft home recently with her daughter and her family because they could afford it easier than just paying rent. It has 4 beds, 3 baths and a MIL suite. They are thrilled. My sister has since lost 30 pounds she says because she has to walk so far in her new house! So for my family, upsizing was a better choice, but I agree with everyone else.  It's really an individual choice.
"

[Meriwether]

9 hours ago, skimomma said:

 

All that said, I would not consider maintaining a large house for occasional hosting.  Most families I know are happy to dog pile for the once-or-twice-a-year holiday gathering.  The cost and waste of heating extra house is just too much for me.  If I were in that situation, I would handle overflow with a rented RV in the driveway or even renting a whole vacation house for people to spread out.

We visited my parents 10-12 times a year for most of my kids' lives. Now that we have kids working, it is harder. We only go 5-10 times, but we do stay weeks at a time sometimes. I'm really glad they still have their 4 bedroom house. We'll have to see what the situation is when the kids are grown, but they did grow up in a family culture where family visits were prioritized. We could have multiple families visiting each month.

[DawnM]

N/M

Edited March 30, 2022 by DawnM

[elegantlion]

SO and I have a lot of books (even compared to homeschoolers, lol), so we're hoping to find a house with some space. We also like having our own bedrooms and we each need a home office. Ideally a four bedroom or bedroom-ish house would be nice, probably around 2k sq ft, so not huge. We live in a town filled with older home (like pre-1920s) so we're hoping to find an older home. 

We're both 50+ but still would consider a two-story house. My mom is 85 and still doing stairs. She swears it keeps her healthy. I'd kind of a like a bungalow with a full second floor, even if it's just a finished & usable attic space. 

As important, I'd like something with a nice deck or patio and a fenced yard so I can get another dog. 

So far, no grandchildren on either side and none of his children live here. 

Whatever we do I would like to be our permanent home. I've moved about every 5 years of my adult life, I'm done with that. 

Edited March 29, 2022 by elegantlion