PinkTulip Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 Yesterday DH and I put an offer on a house and it was accepted. Our current house is not for sale yet and we have not been talking at all about moving. Our kids are not expecting this at all and it will be quite a shock for them. The reason behind all of this is that my DH was diagnosed with MS about 6 months ago and his health is quite a bit worse - he is on his third medication, and not doing very well right now. We feel like we need to downsize and consolidate our finances while DH is still able to work and earn income at our current levels. I am also going back to school in a few weeks and would be able to support us in the new house on my projected income after finishing school in 3 years. The new house is almost half the size of our current house, but is only about a mile away, so still close to friends, schools, and everything familiar. Two of my very best friends live a block or two away. We have moved about every 4 years and my kids are sick of moving, understandably. They are 17, 15, 14, and 12, so old enough that they feel invested in their rooms, and the space that we have now. They are not going to take this well - prayers, hugs, good thoughts are appreciated! 18 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 That's tough. Sorry about your husband. Sometimes kids are more flexible than you think. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 Praying for you! If there is a way to quietly ascertain what DH's disability benefits (if any) look like from his employer, that would be a really good thing to do at this time, before he gets any more impaired. I'm very sorry to hear of this diagnosis. I know several people with MS. There is a wide range of treatment options for it. A friend I admire a lot has chosen very aggressive treatment, and it has worked out really well. I know there are a lot of variables though. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 Wow. When I started reading your post, I assumed you had very young kids and that was the reason you didn't share the possibility of moving with them until after the decision had been made. I hope they take the news better than expected, but I think would be completely understandable if they are angry and react poorly to the news, at least until the shock wears off. I'm sorry about your DH's health and that you're in the position to have to move. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redsquirrel Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 Oh my goodness, best of luck to you. I think you have thought this out very well and I bet your kids are able to grasp it quickly. Of course, there will be an initial shock, but your new home is so close to your old one that life will adjust very quickly. I am super impressed with how you have thought this out. I am so sorry this is happening to you all. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amira Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 It sounds like this is what your family needs to do and it also sounds like you're trying to make this as easy for your kids as possible. Good luck! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiewindmomma Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 Is there a good reason you didn't bring this up beforehand? I think most kids can wrap their minds around needing to move to a house that can accommodate everyone and their needs. If there is a good reason why you didn't mention this before, I would bring that up as you break the news. (If I recall, you were trying to keep your dh's diagnosis on the down-low from his employer.) 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
displace Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 (Hugs) I'm sorry your family is going through this. Fwiw, I think this is a very proactive decision on you and your DH's part and think it sounds beneficial. And you're not moving far away. It can take a month or two for inspections, loan papers, selling your old house, so I think the kids will have some time to adjust. I assume they know about your DH's diagnosis? If so, it would be great to have adult conversations with them regarding finances and working, health, etc. if you don't feel they're ready for that, I'd at least mention it in sweeping topics. And perhaps the kids could choose some new decorations or paint colors? Maybe throw a moving party to make it festive? Or perhaps make the rooms for the older kids more like dorms with elevated beds and desks under? Idk if any of these are options but just trying to throw out suggestions to give a positive thing to look forward to. GL selling your old house. Maybe give a small financial incentive to the kids to help get the old house ready to sell, with chores needed (freshening paint, cleaning, packing quickly, helping pack general home things). I hate to mention it, but looking at a new home's advantages in case of disability may be a huge benefit. Idk if that pertains to you or not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 I hope it goes well. Since the new house is so close, it shouldn't have to be a huge disruption to the kids in terms of friends and other activities. And, they are old enough to come to an understanding of the need for the move. :grouphug: to you! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 Do they know your husband is ill? I think they will probably be understanding if they know the reasons. Try to make it an adventure. Good luck. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 I am sorry. What a difficult new journey to navigate. I am happy that you are right in the same area; that should make some things easier for your children. Also, with your children at their current ages, they should be able to accept (eventually, if not immediately) that this is what has to be done due to changes with DH's health and finances. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pawz4me Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monica_in_Switzerland Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 It sounds like you are making an excellent decision to protect your family's well-being. Your kids will be ok! They are old enough to understand your reasons. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllll Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 :grouphug: Praying Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 :grouphug: Hoping for a smooth transition for everyone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 :grouphug: That sounds really hard. I think I would try really hard to honor their feelings. You've made a good decision for good reasons, but if they react with anger, you need to let that be okay for a little while. Not with rudeness or anything, but with them feeling that way. Gently, I would involve kids those ages in the process a little more in the future, They don't have to have a say - you're still the grown ups - but it will likely make them feel more like a part of the family, make them feel more respected, and hopefully make them feel more like chipping in when times are tough. It sounds like you may have even harder times ahead and you may rely on them more. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mimm Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 :grouphug: I'm sorry for this difficult time. Just give your children space for their feelings. Kids can be more accommodating and selfless than you think. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 (Hugs) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom25girls Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 :grouphug: Praying for all of you as you transition to a new "normal." Praying that your new home is a place where you will all make memories and share joy. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 Praying. You are doing the responsible thing. It is hard for kids to accept a downturn in life circumstances when they often view others as doing so well and why can't they just have what their friend Kathy has, after all? Don't take it too hard if some of them are angry or disappointed. If you gave them everything they wanted on a sliver platter they would have trouble too. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
imagine.more Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 Yikes, I hope it goes well. I would preface the big news with all the whys and hows of your thoughts about moving and let them know how necessary a move is. Lay it all out logically and explain all the benefits. Then I'd say that you did put in an offer and were surprised to have it accepted right away. Expect them to be a bit shocked/angry at first but if you explain it really well and give room for them to ask questions and have input now it should help. My parents once put our house on the market without telling us...I was 14 and came home and opened the garage door (I had forgotten my key) and had "for sale" signs fall out on me. That's how I found out. I was hurt and felt betrayed and furious. There was zero warning or reason for the move besides that they wanted to move to a better neighborhood. We had been in the house for 4 years, a new record for us, and I was in love with it and the entire neighborhood and my life there. We try to be extra honest with our kids because of this, I never want my kids to have that experience I had of being dragged to new homes, new states willy nilly with no warning or input. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Evergreen State Sue Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 How did it go? I remember when my parents sold their house when I was almost 19, going to a community college and still living at home. They moved to a different city to a 1 bedroom apartment. You can use my story if they think they'll have it bad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PinkTulip Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 Thank you so much for everyone's support. DH will be home in about half an hour, I will make dinner, and then we will talk after dinner. Many of you are right in that we should have involved the kids sooner in the process. We have had our eyes on the market for several months now for a home in one of three neighborhoods and this one just came up last Saturday. We were willing to hold off for up to another year for the right neighborhood and didn't want to disrupt the kids feelings of stability until we knew for sure. In hindsight, I know I would have wanted to be more involved all along if I were them. In response to some other questions: DH is self-employed, so unfortunately, there is no employer disability. We do have a small amount of disability insurance, but not enough to be sustainable in the long-term. The kids know about his MS - unfortunately, it is very evident that dad is not well and worse than he was 6 months ago. I will completely understand and respect their feelings of anger and frustration, as I have been working through them myself. I really don't want to make this move, but I am 1000% sure that it is the right thing to do. We are leaving for a week-long family vacation on Sunday, a 10 hour drive away, so we will have lots of time during the next week to process things and hopefully regroup as a family. I am really looking forward to our uninterrupted time together! As always, so much love to the Hive - I always feel so much love and support here! 17 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 I hope it goes well. As a teen, I was in a similar situation as your kids and while I didn't like moving, I did understand the reasoning and I wasn't angry, more annoyed because moving is really annoying even when you want to move. Best wishes to you and your family. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiewindmomma Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 Hugs! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PinkTulip Posted July 18, 2015 Author Share Posted July 18, 2015 Update: it did not go well. The three youngest started crying, the oldest left in his car after about 10 minutes, and then the second took off on his bike shortly after for about 2 hours. DS2 is home now but not talking to us, and DS1 will be home at his curfew in an hour. I talked with each of the three youngest individually and agreed with their feelings of anger, frustration, and disappointment. I told them that they don't have to like it but I do hope they eventually get to a place of understanding. I will have the same conversation with DS1 when he gets home. DS3 brightened a bit at the thought of new paint colors and maybe a loft bed to make more room for his Lego creations, and DS4 and I went on a long drive (looking for his brother on his bike), and he feeling more at peace. As exhibit A as to why this needs to happen, the stress of tonight caused DH to have his most severe flare to date. He was so unsteady on his feet that he used our cane for the first time and had to slide down the stairs on his bottom to get down safely. At some point I'm sure I will have my own meltdown, but my family needs me to be the glue right now. Sometimes being a grown up really sucks! 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little Nyssa Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 ((Hugs)) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sneezyone Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 :grouphug: Hope your upcoming family vacation goes well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Junie Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Hugs for all of you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 Praying for you, your dh, and your children. :grouphug: Honestly, I can understand their shock and anger. At their ages, I would have been terribly upset that I wasn't informed of anything or invited to be involved in the process. That said, you and your dh are under tremendous pressure due to his health issues, so I hope your kids will try to be understanding. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kroe1 Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 Prayers from Florida. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult time. I'm sure your children will come round to understanding the whole situation. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mumto2 Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllll Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 nm 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: You , Your Dh and your children are in my thoughts Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
displace Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 (Hugs). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 I agree with the other poster that said your childrend are reacting to more than just the move, they are reacting to the reality of what your dh is facing as his disease progresses. Maybe it's time to find a support group for them? Hugs, K 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MeghansMom Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 Prayers for your Dh's health and for the move and your family in general. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PinkTulip Posted July 18, 2015 Author Share Posted July 18, 2015 Thanks all for the hugs and responses. It really resonates with me that my kids are probably responding more to their dad's worsening status than moving a mile away. I have looked up local support groups this morning, and will also look into family counseling as a possibility to work through this. Our current home is quite large, and we moved here because it was a great house for teenage boys - lots of space for many friends, and big bedrooms. My kids have decorated their rooms quite uniquely to them and feel quite attached. Also, we live at the end of a long cul-de-sac of about 20 houses and there are tons of kids on our street the same ages as mine. They love to go out and long board down the street, and often other kids come out to join them. The new house is nearly half the size, so they will still have their own rooms, but not much space for anything other than a bed. The street is more of a hill, so harder to long board safely, and also, just the fear of the unknown. We will get through this, I know that, but it's going to take some time. DS1 was 2.5 hours late for his curfew last night, so I am trying to tread lightly with that today - making sure that he understands that is unacceptable while giving him the space he needs to process things. 15 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kristi26 Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 :grouphug: I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this. Prayers for you and your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kwg Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 :grouphug: I am sorry, that all sounds so hard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunflowerlady Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 Hugs to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
speedmom4 Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 I think you are making a very wise decision. I also hope your current home sells quickly! I have children near the ages of yours. I can imagine that initial reactions could be negative. I'm sure that after sulking for a day or so they will come to see the wisdom in your decision. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 Hugs and a prayer for your family. Moving even a mile away is hard on some. It was on me, as a 13yo. I still have fantasies of buying my childhood home. I'd just say, gently, that grief in teens often presents as anger. Anger is safer for some kids. I'm sure it's a combo of leaving "home" and that the reason they have to move directly confronts them with their dad's possible death. So very hard. Hard for you, too--I think you've done brilliantly, esp in seeking some support. You have my utmost respect for way you are handling this. Your kids and your husband are blessed to have you. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 :grouphug: I hope you enjoy your vacation time and that it reduces the stress level for everyone. Do you have any kind of local support system for yourself? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kbutton Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I'm sorry your kids are taking it hard, but I totally understand having an opportunity come up faster than what you've prepared for--if you had talked about a move well in advance but didn't know when it would be for sure, then they might have sulked about that as well or felt very uncertain waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am happy for you that you've found a workable house, and I hope your kids are able to process this gracefully going forward. I have an aunt with MS and my hubby's grandmother had it--both diagnosed young (when they had small children). Your kids will have a lot of adjusting to do, but the fact that you've planned things out so well after just 6 months is fantastic and will help them in the long run. There is no perfect way to grieve big changes, so I hope you are kind to yourselves. I think a support group is a wonderful idea. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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